Stephan Pastis's Blog, page 16

The Old Woman, The Cartoonist and The Cheese

I'm in the deli section of the grocery store heading for the checkout.  But a very old woman is walking in front of me.

She is also headed for the checkout.

But she is moving extraordinarily slow.  Which I suppose is what happens when you're 92.

I want to walk around her, but I feel guilty.

Because a voice in my head says I shouldn't race her to the checkout.

A voice in my head says I shouldn't take advantage of her physical limitations.

But we both have brains.

So I use mine.

And take a shortcut through the cheese section.

When she finally gets to the spot in line behind me, I look back at her.  She looks winded.

I want to comment on the cheese shortcut.  How I bet she wished she'd thought of that.

But I don't.

Because I have too much class.

It's a Small World, Then I Pick Up Chalupas.

The drive-thru lane that wraps around my Taco Bell is narrow with high curbs on either side.

If you filled it with water and put multi-ethnic singing midgets along its sides, you'd have the "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland.

So that's what I made it after pulling up to the pick-up window at Taco Bell yesterday.

I reversed the car all the way back to the intercom where I ordered and re-drove the fifty feet at a snail's pace, singing the "It's A Small World Theme" as I waved robotically down the entire length of the driveway.

This would have been okay except for the fact that my thirteen year-old son was in the passenger's seat trying to cover his face.

I guess he didn't want to be seen by the angry Taco Bell employee I left holding our food in the pick-up window.

By the look on her face, I'm guessing it's not every day that a customer in her drive-thru window puts his car in reverse and sings the "Small World" theme.

It's okay, though.  I think I taught my son a lesson about world unity.

I'll Get You, My Pretty Book, and Your Little Dog Toto Too.

Okay, I just signed a big bunch of the new book, "When Pigs Fly", as well as a bunch of the older books, at a Borders bookstore in Lawrence, Kansas.I also drew a character in each (including Rat, Pig, Goat, Zebra, Larry, Patty, Guard Duck, Snuffles, Danny Donkey and even me, although I badly screwed up an Elly Elephant I… tried to draw).This may be the only signing I do for awhile, so if you want one, call now and they'll ship to you. The phone number is 785-331-3226.They do tend to go...

Our Best Work Is Behind Us: A Plan To Save This Nation

The man in front of me in Starbucks was wearing sweatpants. Then he bent over.

There, on his ass, was the word "PINK."

After thinking the obvious (Where can I get my hands on a pair of sweatpants like that?),  I had to address a few other issues.  Like…

Why was I staring at his ass?

Why he is putting words there?

And…

Maybe our country really is collapsing.

I haven't read enough history to know, but I think this ass-writing business is the beginning of the end.

Because no great people ever became...

I'm Tapping My Heels Together Three Times and Going to Kansas (Well, Missouri actually)

I'm flying to Kansas City next week to film the follow-up to my last trip, which didn't go well.

I'm hoping this one goes a wee bit better.  Suggestions are welcome.

Enter the Contest to Win a Signed Pearls Book

Just click HERE to see it and enter.  And good luck.

By The Time I Get to Phoenix, She'll Be Eating Zeebas

I don't want to be arrogant.

And I think it's rather arrogant for a cartoonist to publicly claim credit for the influence his or her strip has had upon popular culture.

But mine has.

I refer specifically to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's opening statement at the recent gubernatorial debate in Arizona, where after a 13-second brain-freeze, she said this:

"We have did what was right for Arizona."

Yes…

Croc-speak has taken over.

While I never intended the language of Larry and the Zeeba Zeeba Eata...

When Pigs Fly

The latest Pearls collection is now in stores.  It's called "When Pigs Fly."  You can get it at your local bookstore or right HERE.

The intro is about a very important topic, namely, which cartoonists I can beat up and which I can't.

Like all collections, it contains around 9 months worth of strips, but unlike other collections, it includes 11 strips that were never published in newspapers.  They're from the early days of the strip when it was internet-only.

And let me just say this — Those 11 s...

The Red Badge of Stoopid

Not long ago, the deli in my grocery store put mayonnaise on the sandwich that I asked for with no mayonnaise.

Admittedly, the instructions I gave were vague.  I said, "Please, whatever you do, don't give me mayonnaise."

The next week they left the turkey off a turkey sandwich.  That's an item most turkey sandwiches include.

Yesterday, they topped even themselves.

They failed to make the sandwich entirely.

That's a weird thing about a sandwich order.  You need to remember the sandwich.

I now see...

I Know Why Russians Drink So Much

I just finished reading two plays by the Russian writer Anton Chekhov.

In the first one, the main character shoots himself in the head in the last line of the play.

In the second one, the main character shoots himself in the head in the last line of the play.

I thought maybe I'd read the same play twice.

But I hadn't.  I checked the titles.  They were different.

I can't help thinking of the conversations Anton Chekhov used to have with his editor.

"I have a new play," Chekhov says.

"What about?" ...