Margaret Robinson Rutherford's Blog, page 22
March 30, 2022
SelfWork YGTG: The Power of Pause
If you’ve been watching March Madness recently, hopefully you’ve seen the new commercials, sponsored by Powerade, supporting the power of pause. They feature premiere such as Simone Biles, Premier League soccer manager Antonio Conte and Olympic Gold diver Tom Daley as they take pause to relax and enjoy unexpected hobbies. Also featured are former NBA stars Chris Webber and Jason Williams.
Let me quickly say that I have no relationship with Powerade; my fascination is with the power of this campaign – not only for athletes but for driven perfectionists - no matter what their field.
“I’ve come to recognize the power of the pause and the Powerade brand’s campaign is a timely reminder to take a moment when we need it—whether for a deep breath, a timeout or even a season out,” Biles said in a statement. “We push ourselves hard physically and emotionally to achieve our dreams but if we are not our best mentally, then we are not maximizing our full potential. I want to help encourage everybody to be kinder to themselves, because that’s when we’re at our strongest and we can achieve the most.
Here's the commercial!
Important Links:
Adweek Article talking about The Power of Pause
You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
March 24, 2022
275 SelfWork: The Why, How, Who, What, When, and Where of Sharing Your Story
This question came up in a couple of scenarios this week. So, I decided to go with the synergy of that and focus on the decisions surrounding self-revelation - or telling your story. Here's the question: “How do I talk to someone about what’s really going on with me? I’m scared they’ll feel like I’m dumping on them, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Or even worse, I’m scared they’ll take it on like it’s their problem.” I know some of you rarely if ever do that; some of you may do it too much. So, what’s a middle ground? How can you filter your own need to be listened to, to be understood, so that you set up a situation where you get what you want and need?. Or for those of you who stay completely away from sharing parts of your story, how can you begin to do it at all??
The listener email is from someone who saw my Pinterest feed – and more specifically the pin on PHD – took my questionnaire and was shocked by her score. So ,what should or could she do now? This is a question I get a lot so wanted to bring it to the forefront again today.
You’ll also hear from Athletic Greens, or AG1 – about their conservation commitment and how you can not only benefit from their product, but how they trying in turn to benefit the world.
So sit back and relax -as we focus together on sharing – the why, how, what, when and where of sharing. And how do you know whether you’re venting, dumping, or simply sharing your story…
Important Links:Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
A great article on the difference between venting and dumping
The USA Today article on trauma dumping
My SelfWork episode (008) on how to be a good listener
You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
March 17, 2022
274 SelfWork: "Weeds Are Flowers Too" : Working Thru Disappointment
A.A. Milne's character Winnie the Pooh - Eeyore - the droopy eyed donkey who Winnie loves, has many famous quotes. But this is one of my favorites, especially when thinking about how to work through disappointment. "Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." Disappointment is something we all have to work through. Yet it’s important to know that you can do it - because it's one of those things that happens to everyone. Something you thought would happen, had counted on and put energy into - won't happen. And that hurts.
So in today's episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll offer seven steps to do just that. What are they?
Grieve first. Start getting perspective right off the bat. Consider and acknowledge what your own part and what you were disappointed in is or was. That's utilizing your internal locus control. Acknowledge what you couldn't control, utilizing your external locus control. Build back your energy, enthusiasm by choosing to do things that will bring you pleasure. And those dopamine receptors will love that. Look for the windows that are opening as that door closes. Again, you might need friends to do that. Reassess your disappointment. Take time in the next two or three months or even six months to look back and say, “All right, how do I perceive that disappointment now?"We'll talk about all of these - so that those weeds do become lovely enough and you can move on.
The listener voicemail is from someone who listened to my YouTube talk about enmeshment – not only has she recognized that she and her mom were highly enmeshed, now she’s obsessed with finding out information about it – and doesn’t know what to do. She has a label but now what? I’ll do my best to give her some ideas.
Other Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
A great article explaining locus of control
The neurobiology of disappointment - what's going on in your brain when you're disappointed?
Another article about the lateral habenula and its role in disappointment and depression
Harvard Business Review article on disappointment
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
March 10, 2022
273 SelfWork: Perfectly Hidden Depression, Rabbit Holes, Healing from Narcissists, and Boundaries with BPD
The third question is from a woman whose mom was narcissistic, and she's realizing that she was drawn to partners who also had narcissistic traits. Why does this happen? And fourth, a listener's mom seems to have borderline traits, and doesn't realize the negative impact of her actions and behaviors on others. So the question is how to go forward setting boundaries - and I have two ideas of how she could proceed.
Lots of great topics! So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I'll offer my ideas to all four listeners - and am so grateful for not only their questions, but I'm happy that all have sought help from therapy.
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
March 3, 2022
272 SelfWork: Three Vital Questions To Ask Your Doctor (And Other Fascinating Info) Your Life Depends On It: A Conversation with Author Talya Miron-Shatz
I loved this review of Talya Miron-Shatz' new book Your Life Depends On It (certainly an attention-catching title!) “People who expect to stay healthy forever need not read this wonderful book. The rest of us should. With a fine combination of humor, compassion and vast knowledge, Talya Miron-Shatz offers clear and useful guidance for the hardest decisions of life.” Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman. I'll add my own humble praise for her work, for as I read, I remembered all the times I'd fumbled around at a doctor's office, forgetting to ask what I really needed to ask, even forgetting some important detail of what exactly was wrong!
So I was eager to bring you her work, as literally your life may depend on it. She gives all sorts of great information in her book and in this interview, but she also offers the three most vital questions to ask you medical practitioner. A great thing to know!
Her uncommonly broad perspective has crystalized into a worldview that sees health as a joint venture between patients, doctors, and even medical institutions themselves. No one side here can do this alone, or should be led to think they can . In an often funny, but very common-sense kind of way, Talya offers tangible tips on what you need to know, what you need to ask, and how you and your medical practitioner can make the best decisions for you.
And the last thing she says I also love. She's on a mission that she knows is a very difficult one. But, as she says (and I'm quoting from memory...), "I have a voice. And I must use it to at least try to help."
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
.
February 24, 2022
271 SelfWork: You Are What You Click: A Conversation with Author Brian Primack
Imagine my surprise when I heard of a great book I wanted to feature on SelfWork - and then discovered its author lived in my own hometown of Fayetteville, Arkansas! That book is You Are What You Click and its author is Dr. Brian Primack. He holds a master’s in education from Harvard (with a focus on adolescent development, psychology, and education), an M.D. from Emory, and finally a Ph.D. in Behavioral Science from the University of Pittsburgh. Those credentials might seem to be enough, but he's also an internationally acclaimed expert on the relationship between media, technology, and health.
It turns out for example that Dr. Primack's most recent research has found that there is a direct link between the amount of time you spend on social media and your level of depression. And we're lucky enough to have him right here at the University of Arkansas, as he's now Dean of the College of Education and Health Professions. So I present him and his work to you today. On top of all that, he's light-hearted and engaging to listen to, as you can hear the passion for what his research is uncovering and how we all can govern how social media is affecting us - not the other way around.
So, in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens or AG1, you can learn what social media's influence is on you and your mental health.
Important Links!Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
February 17, 2022
270 SelfWork: Five Things to Know To Help You Feel Emotionally Safe In Therapy
I get a lot of questions about therapy - how to find a therapist, how to know if therapy is working. One of the most common questions is, “How do I open up?” But here was another and different kind of comment last week. “Things I was only vaguely aware of, or knew, but was able to keep locked away from myself - have decided to pick the lock.” So, sometimes opening up can be a slow process while at other times, painful emotions and memories can come bursting out when triggered. So, in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to focus on five things to be aware of that can lead you to feel as emotionally safe as possible with your therapist.
The listener voicemail is only five seconds long… but her question is heartbreaking. I’m not sure I have answers… but I definitely want to extend comfort and reassurance.
So, let’s talk about how you build safety into beginning to open up about things that – at least initially – don’t feel safe at all.
Important Links:BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
Psychology Today article by Dr. Margaret on when you have conflict with your therapist...
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
February 10, 2022
269 SelfWork: The Dangerous Twin Towers of Burnout and Perfectionism
Perhaps the most poignant messages I receive are the ones from people who love someone who's becoming less and less “like’ themselves – and are frightened about what’s going on. This week I heard from a wife whose husband..."has always had an excuse for his extremely busy schedule. Over the past several months he has been acting very differently and has been more open about his unhappiness, and will admit to being depressed. He is also very confused. I came upon your podcast and book as I was searching... We started couples therapy... but he'll say things like" I don't think this is what's really wrong", or "She's focusing on why I'm smiling during the session, when really the problem is that I'm unhappy".
So in today's SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we'll focus on burnout and its relationship with perfectionism - and how both can lead to true classic depression.
The listener email today is also someone asking about PHD – but this time, about her own potential for it as someone with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). She'd worked through her pandemic anxiety with therapy and medications, but now, off medications, this listener is experiencing new feelings of anger and irritability. What could be happening?
Important Links:Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
SelfWork Podcast on Self-Compassion
What is generalized anxiety disorder: The article by The Mayo Clinic
You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
February 3, 2022
268 SelfWork: Ten Traits That Create Camouflage for Trauma: Perfectly Hidden Depression
I want to eagerly and deeply thank HealthLine for naming The SelfWork Podcast the "Best Overall Podcast for Depression!" Wow!! Thank you to my team and to you, the listeners! Talk about not being able to "do it without you"? We truly can't! So my gratitude to each and every listener...
Today I'm going to catch you up on what I'm continuing to learn about perfectionism. And I’ll share my new understanding of what makes PHD-perfectionism different from others. It's trauma-based or trauma-induced. I"ll also explain how the mind actually disposes (or seems to dispose) of the memory of an experience and the feelings it initially created – the processes of suppression and repression are fascinating to learn about!
I wrote a post about my reaction to this week's voicemail in Psychology Today - you might want to read it yourself and its in the links section below. I know that therapists are people too… but I want you – my SelfWork listeners – to be prepared for how to handle things if your therapist disappoints or hurts or even angers you!
So in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, who's again here with a great offer for you, we'll talk about compartmentalization and trauma-based perfectionism.
Important Links:BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
Psychology Today article by Dr. Margaret on when you have conflict with your therapist...
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
February 1, 2022
YGTG (You Get the Gist): A Thought After Cheslie Kryst's Suicide - The Need to Redefine Strength and Success
On the 30th of January, a young woman threw herself off the balcony of a New York high rise and died. She was Cheslie Kryst, who'd made history as the oldest Miss USA at the age of 28. She was highly successful, extremely driven, and desperately afraid of getting older as if when she turned 30, her time for accomplishment would disappear.
People who were trying to cope with her death said, "Don't forget to check on the strong people." That's a great first step. But there's another, even more important step. First, be vulnerable yourself. Invite those strong people to do the same. And do it more than once. Do it often. And maybe, just maybe, one day they’ll say, “You know, I’m actually terrified to let anyone know what goes on in my head.” Check on strong people. Yes. But help them – and the world – begin redefining what “strong” is. You begin defining what strong is. That’s what will help the Cheslie’s of the world.
I offer my compassion to all who knew and loved her.
