Donavon Roberson's Blog, page 5

Not Religious but Spiritual…and what that means to me!Recently I shared that last year was My...

Not Religious but Spiritual…and what that means to me!

Recently I shared that last year was My Year Without God and I had several questions come in about that, so I wanted to take some time to unpack why I did this and what I learned from that time. I had several friends write me off right away, which was part of it honestly, and I had several friends get behind me and were excited about my journey…again to me this is what it was all about.

You ready to dig in with me? Here we go!

What really set me off on this journey, the proverbial “straw that broke the camels back” for me was a football game. Yep, I said it…a football game. Ok so maybe not the game itself but a comment that was made after the game AND I suspect that if you have ever found yourself in a place where you have questioned God or the church or Christians in general, you probably know the comment before I even say it. The comment isn’t even something that was unique to this game, it’s a comment that I have heard from several players and coaches throughout my life time of watching sports but it was this time, this game and this moment that stuck with me and started my path and motivated my year without god.

Are you ready for it?

“I want to thank God (my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ) for this win tonight. We won because of Him and without Him we wouldn’t be here right now. He gets all the glory.”

Now hear me out, some of that sentiment sounds perfectly fine and resonates with my Judeo-Christian background - I think it is a great thing to thank God for moments in life that bring about joy. Seriously, bring it on! But what if they had lost the game, would they be thanking Him then? Would they be giving Him “all the glory”? Would they have done the same had they lost because of Him?

And this had me going down a rabbit hole that was amazing:

Had they had lost the game, would they be thanking God?What about the opponents that are praying for a victory as well?Does God care who wins or loses a football game?Do we get any credit for the work we put in or is it “all glory to God” for all things because God does all things despite our efforts?If God gets all the glory when things go right, is it safe to assume that we can then blame God when things go wrong?Why do so many simply praise God in the good times and loath God in the bad times and during our painful season?What is my role in all of this and how do I take ownership of that which is good and bad in my life?What if we give God WAY more credit for things in life than really deserved? Is it ok for me to take some credit for my life?

On and on it went…question after question, deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole I went. Then something interesting happened, with every question I raised, the “good christian answer” that I was taught and that I have taught others, surfaced but it didn’t feel right. I was calling bullshit on myself and my own answers. I decided I needed to detox and take time away from the situation in order to answer the questions that were digging at my head and my heart.

So in that moment, the very first question that came up for me was this: is there a God? The answer I came to is simply stated as YES BUT…what if God was what I called something that was at play in my life and there was so much more going on below the surface? That led me to the idea of spirit…let’s not call it god yet but let’s call it spirit and see if we can find out how spirit moves in daily life.

Now I am still working through this in my mind but here are some thoughts that I have on what spirit means and what it means to be spiritual. A disclaimers as we begin, in fairness, some of the ideas I have come to are derived from Rob Bell’s book Everything Is Spiritual, a book I listened to at the end of My Year Without God.

It is fair to call me out for cheating by using a spiritual book to better understand the spiritual, however if you are familiar with Rob Bell he has been labeled an apostate by most of the church and I appreciate his fresh take on god, the bible and all things spiritual…he has a very different approach that makes sense to me and resonates with me. Lest it end there, I also read a book by Abraham Joshua Heschel, a Jewish Rabbi, entitled The Sabbath to help me understand the Jewish concept of God and how it might differ from my christian roots. To top it all off, I am currently working through a book on paganism, entitled Fire in the Dark by Jack Donovan, highlighting the ancient beliefs and traditions held about gods and man…so lest you think I settled back into the familiar, please know that I am pushing the boundaries of my understanding of these topics to this day.

Ok…so here we go, let’s talk about Spirit and what I understand Spirit to be (and why not simply call Spirit God). I needed to devoid myself of the “Sunday school answers” I was used to and find another way to talk about this. For me (and I know not everyone agrees) I quickly came to the conclusion that there is a part of life that exists in our daily lives holding all things together and giving meaning and purpose to all that exists, even if I couldn’t name it.

It’s that element of life outside of my natural, physical body that draws me to a higher level of thinking and reasonIt’s those moments in time that I have experiences that are hard to quantify or be put into wordsIt’s the sunset that takes your breath away, the news that gives you pause and forces reflection or an intended outward expressionIt’s the joy and elation that causes me to utter the words thank you whether from my lips or from my heart…even if I don’t know where to direct that simple expressionIt’s the tension in my life that stands in those moments I experience the deepest pain and suffering

I think of spirit as those moments that happen in us, to us and through us that can’t be fully explain, it’s the “something bigger than ourselves” that we sense in the pockets of time that stand as a great mystery residing beyond understanding…and somehow it is this very entity that ties us all together, unites us and gives life meaning.

Maybe that is the better word or description, the great mystery, but for the sake of this conversation let’s stick with spirit and spirituality.

This description even falls short because it makes it sound as though anything not in the aforementioned space isn’t spiritual (concluding that some things are spirit and some things aren’t) but I don’t believe that to be true either. I believe Spirit is that which runs through all things, connects all things and gives life and meaning to all things…therefore, in my opinion, all things are spiritual because it is Spirit connects them all.

Rob Bell talks about the distinction between form and spirit; spirit gives life to the form and the form gives shape to universal truths, the spirit that is behind it. The catch is that we often give form to the spirit and fail to progress into the deeper meaning or essence that lies within. When we continue to dig in and see the spirit behind all things we begin practicing spirituality - the constant progression to discover spirit at the deepest level of all things.

Bell gives a great expression for how spirituality shows in in our lives, he states “You, that is the expansive, connected, struggle-overcoming you, is alive and invited to play a part in the ever-increasing awe-factory that is our universe; this is what it means to be spiritual.”

I think there is more to the spirit than any religion or religious institution can hold…I was brought up in the church and the ideology of “God” is what resonates most with me and why I am resisting the temptation to immediately draw the conclusion that “given the definition I have laid out so far, I should just call Spirit God.” That is the easy way out for me and why I am exploring other philosophies and ideologies. The truth is, I’m fine calling this entity God but I am not fine equating this new understanding of God with what I have experienced from the church. I think the church is missing out on what connects Spirit to the traditions and teachings of the ancient texts and traditions. I want to better understand that realm at the deepest, most sacred places and discover how all of this fits together - I want to keep digging into this ever expanding world of spirituality!

So let’s tie a bow on this…what does all of this mean?

I’ve come to understand spirituality as authentically embracing and engaging the greater mystery every day and in every way to become the greatest version of myself while I experience life to the fullest!

Am I a religious man? Nope I can truly say that I am not BUT I do believe that I am a very spiritual man. I am a man that sees that there is a greater mystery at play in life and in the lives of others and I can’t explain what’s going on, I am committed to spend the rest of my life engaging with that mystery so that it becomes more expansive, more connected, more alive to me in every moment of every day.

[BTW, this is part one of three because Everything is Spiritual was one of three books that influenced me greatly last year.]

Do you want to win at life? Find your tribe!

In the gym today I was struck with a statement by Tim Glover (trainer of Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Charles Barkley and more)…the statement cut to the bone and helped me see what I have had been missing in my life. I say had because things changed for me last week and I found everything that this statement represents and I couldn’t be more thankful and grateful than I am right now.

ATTENTION: I’m about to get real here, so please know that I’m not holding back (much) on this post, I’m speaking my truth.

I don’t know about anyone else but I have longed for deep, meaningful relationships with other men.

I’m talking about:

men that are open to debate and disagreement without being dicksmen that hold you accountable and call your ass on the on the carpet when you don’t do what you say you will domen that have your back when shit hits the fan and won’t allow you to make excuses when some of that shit is your ownmen that inspire you to push yourself harder than you thought possible while encouraging your progress no matter how smallmen that are committed to being and building better men because they know that it is necessary for our families, for our communities and for our world

I’m not talking about male humanoids that are just barely standing upright, a hair away from dragging their knuckles, grunting and living life as though the world revolves around them. This isn’t the “boys will be boys” mentality that has taken over our society and this is sure as hell isn’t the infamous “bro culture” that permeates so many “men’s ministries” and programs designed for dudes today.

I am talking about real men, that understand what it means to be a real man and are committed to helping other real men come into their own. I am talking about a brotherhood that lives by a code, holds others to that same code and protects that code because they understand the value that this code means for our families, our communities and our world.

I have been looking for anything that closely resembles this for years and haven’t found a place to go and truly relate with without having to give up a part of who I am and what makes me tick. There are communities like this but I found I had to hold back, I couldn’t say what was really on my mind, I couldn’t ask the hard questions and truly be myself without risking the backlash of / from the group.

That is until last week…I found a brotherhood of men that are there committed to inspire my growth, support my efforts to become a better men, call me on the carpet for not doing what I said I would do and who aren’t asking me to be anyone but myself as I seek to become a better version of myself every day. I have found my tribe.

I was tired of the bullshit posts that littered my Twitter feed everyday. It was the same old shit everyday; this party hates these people, this politician has corrupted this party, in one breath we have to love one another and in the other we need to cancel this person because we don’t agree with them, the world is a disaster and without hope because of this person, everything is meaningless and hopeless because of that person…words words words - words but nothing meaningful or of value for me.

It was getting old and it was time to start looking for new content, new people to follow or a new space in which to engage all together. I happened upon a post that resonated with me and called me to be a better man…and then another and another and soon I found several accounts to follow that were giving me the feed I was looking for. I found a group of men that were engaging and inspiring me to greatness…and I wanted in. I started to reach out to some of them, started conversations and realized that I might have found my tribe.

It’s been only one week and I can tell you now that I am a more real and authentic version of myself than I have been for years. I can talk about the issues that concern me, I can speak to my fears, insecurities and doubts, I can step up and lean into my strengths and trust that these men have my back every step of the way!

I have found a strength that has translated into every area of my life (body, mind and spirit) and can’t even tell you how excited I am to see this continue to play out over the coming weeks and months.

Here is why finding your tribe is important (and the quote to which I referred at the beginning of this post…did you forget about that?):

to win at life you need allies more than you need friends

Allies have common goals, values and languageAllies pool their resources for the greater goodAllies build larger networks and work for a higher causeAllies have what it takes to win any challenge facing them

For a moment I had the thought that this is also what friends do but to be honest I have found that most of the time, friends tell you what you want to hear above all else. Friends stick around as long as they get something out of the exchange. I know that is a broad brushstroke and not always true but allies work with you to find success because your success impacts their success and the success of those who’s lives are touched by the collective tribe.

I am tired of “getting by in life” and hearing what “I want to hear”, I want to win and win in a big way. I know that in order for me to win, I need men in my life that won’t tell me what I need to hear or make me feel good about who I am in life, where I am in life or what I do in life…I need allies that will get in my face and call me out to become the greatest version of myself possible!

I found my allies. I found my tribe. I thank god for the brotherhood that I found and cannot wait to continue down this path with them.

What about you? Are you surrounded by those that will call you to greatness and will not let you quit when things get rough?

My advice: If you want to win at life…find your tribe. Whatever that looks like for you…find your tribe.

Do you want to win at life? Find your tribe!In the gym today I was struck with a statement by Tim...

Do you want to win at life? Find your tribe!

In the gym today I was struck with a statement by Tim Glover (trainer of Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Charles Barkley and more)…the statement cut to the bone and helped me see what I have had been missing in my life. I say had because things changed for me last week and I found everything that this statement represents and I couldn’t be more thankful and grateful than I am right now.

ATTENTION: I’m about to get real here, so please know that I’m not holding back (much) on this post, I’m speaking my truth.

I don’t know about anyone else but I have longed for deep, meaningful relationships with other men.

I’m talking about:

men that are open to debate and disagreement without being dicksmen that hold you accountable and call your ass on the on the carpet when you don’t do what you say you will domen that have your back when shit hits the fan and won’t allow you to make excuses when some of that shit is your ownmen that inspire you to push yourself harder than you thought possible while encouraging your progress no matter how smallmen that are committed to being and building better men because they know that it is necessary for our families, for our communities and for our world

I’m not talking about male humanoids that are just barely standing upright, a hair away from dragging their knuckles, grunting and living life as though the world revolves around them. This isn’t the “boys will be boys” mentality that has taken over our society and this is sure as hell isn’t the infamous “bro culture” that permeates so many “men’s ministries” and programs designed for dudes today.

I am talking about real men, that understand what it means to be a real man and are committed to helping other real men come into their own. I am talking about a brotherhood that lives by a code, holds others to that same code and protects that code because they understand the value that this code means for our families, our communities and our world.

I have been looking for anything that closely resembles this for years and haven’t found a place to go and truly relate with without having to give up a part of who I am and what makes me tick. There are communities like this but I found I had to hold back, I couldn’t say what was really on my mind, I couldn’t ask the hard questions and truly be myself without risking the backlash of / from the group.

That is until last week…I found a brotherhood of men that are there committed to inspire my growth, support my efforts to become a better men, call me on the carpet for not doing what I said I would do and who aren’t asking me to be anyone but myself as I seek to become a better version of myself every day. I have found my tribe.

I was tired of the bullshit posts that littered my Twitter feed everyday. It was the same old shit everyday; this party hates these people, this politician has corrupted this party, in one breath we have to love one another and in the other we need to cancel this person because we don’t agree with them, the world is a disaster and without hope because of this person, everything is meaningless and hopeless because of that person…words words words - words but nothing meaningful or of value for me.

It was getting old and it was time to start looking for new content, new people to follow or a new space in which to engage all together. I happened upon a post that resonated with me and called me to be a better man…and then another and another and soon I found several accounts to follow that were giving me the feed I was looking for. I found a group of men that were engaging and inspiring me to greatness…and I wanted in. I started to reach out to some of them, started conversations and realized that I might have found my tribe.

It’s been only one week and I can tell you now that I am a more real and authentic version of myself than I have been for years. I can talk about the issues that concern me, I can speak to my fears, insecurities and doubts, I can step up and lean into my strengths and trust that these men have my back every step of the way!

I have found a strength that has translated into every area of my life (body, mind and spirit) and can’t even tell you how excited I am to see this continue to play out over the coming weeks and months.

Here is why finding your tribe is important (and the quote to which I referred at the beginning of this post…did you forget about that?):

to win at life you need allies more than you need friends

Allies have common goals, values and languageAllies pool their resources for the greater goodAllies build larger networks and work for a higher causeAllies have what it takes to win any challenge facing them

For a moment I had the thought that this is also what friends do but to be honest I have found that most of the time, friends tell you what you want to hear above all else. Friends stick around as long as they get something out of the exchange. I know that is a broad brushstroke and not always true but allies work with you to find success because your success impacts their success and the success of those who’s lives are touched by the collective tribe.

I am tired of “getting by in life” and hearing what “I want to hear”, I want to win and win in a big way. I know that in order for me to win, I need men in my life that won’t tell me what I need to hear or make me feel good about who I am in life, where I am in life or what I do in life…I need allies that will get in my face and call me out to become the greatest version of myself possible!

I found my allies. I found my tribe. I thank god for the brotherhood that I found and cannot wait to continue down this path with them.

What about you? Are you surrounded by those that will call you to greatness and will not let you quit when things get rough?

My advice: If you want to win at life…find your tribe. Whatever that looks like for you…find your tribe.

My Year without God

Many of you may not know that I was a Youth Pastor for nearly 13 years, part of that time I was in college, much of that time I was in West Virginia and then for a hot minute I was in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I grew up in the church, some of my earliest memories were walking down to the altar to receive communion in the Episcopal church with my grandparents (something that I have enjoyed even into adulthood, especially around the holidays). I have tried almost every flavor and brand of Christianity on the market; Episcopalian, Methodist, Evangelical Free, Lutheran, Baptist, Independent Bible, American Baptist, Church of the Brethren, Assemblies of God and I am sure there are a few that I failed to mention.

I was “first” saved at a Whiteheart concert back in the day. Then again in my kitchen when I felt like I needed to “redo it and mean it”. I went on a missions trip to Norway, I got “saved again” on that trip. I was baptized as a teenager, thinking if I got wet then I would lock everything in place and wouldn’t lose it. I went through a whole ritual (of sorts) with a mentor of mine, equipped with candles, music and an open Bible to take it a step further and lock it in (only to have this man sexually abuse me later…but that’s a topic for another conversation). I event went to the Assemblies of God church looking for the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, thinking that if this could happen to me then I was in a really good place and ready to “rock fo Jesus” (only to have the youth pastor say that there must be something wrong with me after several failed attempts to speak in tongues and experience the onslaught of the Holy Spirit). I was saved again, for real this time, while I was studying to be a Youth Pastor in college. And again, I am sure that I am missing a few events in here but I think you get the point.

I was all in for God…well I wanted to make sure that I was all in for God by going through al of the motions, doing the steps, saying the things, living the life, cleaning up my act, seeking the gifts…all the things that good Christians are supposed to do.

I knew my calling in life was to be a pastor to lead people and guide them into a right relationship with him. I knew I would start as a Youth Pastor and eventually get my wings to become an Associate Pastor, then Executive Pastor and then finally the coveted title of Senior Pastor (or whatever the coveted title is today…I’ve lost track).

Everything I did, I did for the church. I was there early and stayed late. I took on multiple responsibilities and roles to help grow our congregation and minister to the people. I dug in, head down, hands up, heart open and trusting that even though I had a lot of room for improvement…I was on the right path and God was smiling on me.

And then I was let go. I won’t go into the details here but my last experience was a disaster; church politics at play in a big way, pastors fighting for the scraps of leadership left behind by the pastor that started the church, families leaving in droves, elders and deacons turning on each based on who they thought they next “senior pastor” would be. It was awful.

I did my job. I did the work. I was even doing some research for a Master’s Project that would help the church get back on their feet and be a light in the community again, I presented this to the leadership team and elders and they all agreed with my work and my conclusions and stated that it was helpful for them to determine our next steps….and then they let me go. In the same meeting where I was being praised and honored for my work, I was also let go and told that I had to leave because they couldn’t pay me anymore.

It made sense from a logical perspective; people were leaving, money wasn’t coming in, I was the most recent hired and so I was one of the first to be let go…in fact there were a lot of people let go that day.

But from a personal perspective I was crushed; hadn’t I been following God, hadn’t I been doing the work, hadn’t I just made a really good speech and wasn’t I God’s chosen? Ok that last part was a stretch but you get my meaning. I had so many questions and nobody to talk to. But it was ok, I was strong and I would look for work right away. I would apply to several church positions and see what I could get into…surely there was something for me.

That is where I was wrong…it didn’t. I couldn’t find a church and my faith in God started to wane and everything that I had once held dear was being stripped from my hands. While I can sit here and say that it was all for a purpose and there was a hidden meaning in it all, I can also sit here tell you that I have had some of the darkest times in my life as a result. To numb the pain, confusion and hurt I was experiencing I turned to alcohol, sex and porn…I really turned into the prodigal son and I was hurting in a big way.

That was nearly 15 years ago and my relationship with God hasn’t been the same since. I have gone to church, listened to Christian music, tried to read the Bible, lead worship, attended a Bible study…you know all the things a good christian man is supposed to do but I wasn’t having it. I was tired of the superficial, fake and meaningless faith I was living and that I was seeing from so many people in the church.

In 2019 I hit a wall and enough was enough…I was taking a year off.

I was tired of feeling bad for the mistakes I had made. I was tired of feeling not good enough to be forgiven. I was tired of not feeling like I had control of my life but that I had to “give it all to God and just trust”. I was tired of seeing the fake smiles of people sitting in pews and raising their hands KNOWING that they lived a life similar to mine but didn’t seem to care. I was tired of the bullshit, fake and phony megachurch movement that set standards that nobody can truly attain. I was tired of feeling God was waiting for me to “f up” my life more than I already had…man I was just friggin tired!

I was going to take a year without God. A year without God meant I wasn’t going to mention God, I wasn’t praying to God, I wasn’t going to church, I wasn’t going to feel bad about bad decisions, I wasn’t going to feel bad about the mistakes I had made, I wasn’t asking God for anything and I wasn’t thanking God for anything - nothing!

I was taking a year without God and I was open to whatever that meant in the end; if God and I worked things out then great AND if not then that was fine too. I needed to detox from all of the religious and “christian” baggage I had been carrying for years.

Of course I was afraid of what others would think or say. Of course I told people and “friends” walked away and left me standing there alone. Of course I was afraid of what would happen had I died during the year…I knew the price that I was going to pay.

but you know what….

Of course I made it out ok, in fact I would say better than when I started. Of course some friends stayed with me and encouraged me along. Of course I have a better understanding of what I was after and what I needed to remove from and add into my life. Of course it was one of the most fulfilling endeavors I have ever taken in my life…and of course I am going to share about it over the coming weeks and months and hope that you find inspiration for your life through my experience.

I close with this…don’t take what you have been spoon fed as “gospel” about any subject; religion, politics, family of origin, etc. If something doesn’t resonate right in your soul, it’s ok to simply take a step back for a period of time, it’s ok to ask questions, it’s ok to seek for answers, it’s ok to put it all on the line and go for real meaning and real purpose…it’s ok. Take the time. You do you and know that we will be here with you in it, through it and for it AND we will want a full report on all that you uncovered and discovered!

My Year without GodMany of you may not know that I was a Youth Pastor for nearly 13 years, part of...

My Year without God

Many of you may not know that I was a Youth Pastor for nearly 13 years, part of that time I was in college, much of that time I was in West Virginia and then for a hot minute I was in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I grew up in the church, some of my earliest memories were walking down to the altar to receive communion in the Episcopal church with my grandparents (something that I have enjoyed even into adulthood, especially around the holidays). I have tried almost every flavor and brand of Christianity on the market; Episcopalian, Methodist, Evangelical Free, Lutheran, Baptist, Independent Bible, American Baptist, Church of the Brethren, Assemblies of God and I am sure there are a few that I failed to mention.

I was “first” saved at a Whiteheart concert back in the day. Then again in my kitchen when I felt like I needed to “redo it and mean it”. I went on a missions trip to Norway, I got “saved again” on that trip. I was baptized as a teenager, thinking if I got wet then I would lock everything in place and wouldn’t lose it. I went through a whole ritual (of sorts) with a mentor of mine, equipped with candles, music and an open Bible to take it a step further and lock it in (only to have this man sexually abuse me later…but that’s a topic for another conversation). I event went to the Assemblies of God church looking for the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, thinking that if this could happen to me then I was in a really good place and ready to “rock fo Jesus” (only to have the youth pastor say that there must be something wrong with me after several failed attempts to speak in tongues and experience the onslaught of the Holy Spirit). I was saved again, for real this time, while I was studying to be a Youth Pastor in college. And again, I am sure that I am missing a few events in here but I think you get the point.

I was all in for God…well I wanted to make sure that I was all in for God by going through al of the motions, doing the steps, saying the things, living the life, cleaning up my act, seeking the gifts…all the things that good Christians are supposed to do.

I knew my calling in life was to be a pastor to lead people and guide them into a right relationship with him. I knew I would start as a Youth Pastor and eventually get my wings to become an Associate Pastor, then Executive Pastor and then finally the coveted title of Senior Pastor (or whatever the coveted title is today…I’ve lost track).

Everything I did, I did for the church. I was there early and stayed late. I took on multiple responsibilities and roles to help grow our congregation and minister to the people. I dug in, head down, hands up, heart open and trusting that even though I had a lot of room for improvement…I was on the right path and God was smiling on me.

And then I was let go. I won’t go into the details here but my last experience was a disaster; church politics at play in a big way, pastors fighting for the scraps of leadership left behind by the pastor that started the church, families leaving in droves, elders and deacons turning on each based on who they thought they next “senior pastor” would be. It was awful.

I did my job. I did the work. I was even doing some research for a Master’s Project that would help the church get back on their feet and be a light in the community again, I presented this to the leadership team and elders and they all agreed with my work and my conclusions and stated that it was helpful for them to determine our next steps….and then they let me go. In the same meeting where I was being praised and honored for my work, I was also let go and told that I had to leave because they couldn’t pay me anymore.

It made sense from a logical perspective; people were leaving, money wasn’t coming in, I was the most recent hired and so I was one of the first to be let go…in fact there were a lot of people let go that day.

But from a personal perspective I was crushed; hadn’t I been following God, hadn’t I been doing the work, hadn’t I just made a really good speech and wasn’t I God’s chosen? Ok that last part was a stretch but you get my meaning. I had so many questions and nobody to talk to. But it was ok, I was strong and I would look for work right away. I would apply to several church positions and see what I could get into…surely there was something for me.

That is where I was wrong…it didn’t. I couldn’t find a church and my faith in God started to wane and everything that I had once held dear was being stripped from my hands. While I can sit here and say that it was all for a purpose and there was a hidden meaning in it all, I can also sit here tell you that I have had some of the darkest times in my life as a result. To numb the pain, confusion and hurt I was experiencing I turned to alcohol, sex and porn…I really turned into the prodigal son and I was hurting in a big way.

That was nearly 15 years ago and my relationship with God hasn’t been the same since. I have gone to church, listened to Christian music, tried to read the Bible, lead worship, attended a Bible study…you know all the things a good christian man is supposed to do but I wasn’t having it. I was tired of the superficial, fake and meaningless faith I was living and that I was seeing from so many people in the church.

In 2019 I hit a wall and enough was enough…I was taking a year off.

I was tired of feeling bad for the mistakes I had made. I was tired of feeling not good enough to be forgiven. I was tired of not feeling like I had control of my life but that I had to “give it all to God and just trust”. I was tired of seeing the fake smiles of people sitting in pews and raising their hands KNOWING that they lived a life similar to mine but didn’t seem to care. I was tired of the bullshit, fake and phony megachurch movement that set standards that nobody can truly attain. I was tired of feeling God was waiting for me to “f up” my life more than I already had…man I was just friggin tired!

I was going to take a year without God. A year without God meant I wasn’t going to mention God, I wasn’t praying to God, I wasn’t going to church, I wasn’t going to feel bad about bad decisions, I wasn’t going to feel bad about the mistakes I had made, I wasn’t asking God for anything and I wasn’t thanking God for anything - nothing!

I was taking a year without God and I was open to whatever that meant in the end; if God and I worked things out then great AND if not then that was fine too. I needed to detox from all of the religious and “christian” baggage I had been carrying for years.

Of course I was afraid of what others would think or say. Of course I told people and “friends” walked away and left me standing there alone. Of course I was afraid of what would happen had I died during the year…I knew the price that I was going to pay.

but you know what….

Of course I made it out ok, in fact I would say better than when I started. Of course some friends stayed with me and encouraged me along. Of course I have a better understanding of what I was after and what I needed to remove from and add into my life. Of course it was one of the most fulfilling endeavors I have ever taken in my life…and of course I am going to share about it over the coming weeks and months and hope that you find inspiration for your life through my experience.

I close with this…don’t take what you have been spoon fed as “gospel” about any subject; religion, politics, family of origin, etc. If something doesn’t resonate right in your soul, it’s ok to simply take a step back for a period of time, it’s ok to ask questions, it’s ok to seek for answers, it’s ok to put it all on the line and go for real meaning and real purpose…it’s ok. Take the time. You do you and know that we will be here with you in it, through it and for it AND we will want a full report on all that you uncovered and discovered!

What are Your Words Saying?

I was in a meeting today, listening to everyone talk….and talk and talk. I don’t know about y'all but it drives me nuts to site in a meeting that ends up with the group talking in circles without going anywhere.

Now listen, I understand the need for this type of “processing” to a point. I am one who processes externally; I like to talk through what I am thinking, feeling or believing and my hear myself say the words. Often when I say something “out loud” I change my mind, adjust my thinking or hold firmly to my position. My goal in processing this way is to work it out “out loud” in order to come to an internal consensus.

But that isn’t what happens in these meetings most of the time. Often it feels like we talk without any direction or purpose in mind.

Have you ever watched as someone talk just to hear their own voice? Someone will pick up the mic, say words, use buzz words, drop corporate speak and industry lingo in order to impress OR to convince the group that they have something to say but often they don’t know what they are talking about (or have an understanding of what is really even going on in the meeting).

I sat in the meeting today for a moment and thought “what are your words saying?” Truly, what is it that you are trying to say?

And then I thought about the amount of words they were using and asked “what are [the number of] your words saying?”

I started to wonder if people talk, “just to talk” OR if they talk because they are afraid to get to the point OR if they talk because they don’t want to appear unknowledgeable about the topic at hand.

I don’t think people go into meetings without reason or purpose. I don’t think most of the people that I interact with are there without an opinion or an idea. I don’t think that most people are completely full of shit and just run their mouths to take up space or to use words (that is unless they are on Twitter where this is seems to be the accepted culture)

I do believe that there really could be something deeper at play with the idea of “words for the sake of words”…and then I turned the question inward and think I struck gold! (at least it was gold for me)

I asked myself…Donavon:

Do you ever talk just to hear yourself talk? Do you ever talk without having a purpose or direction? Do you ever talk without an idea worth sharing?Do you ever talk with the underlying fear of just “making the ask”?

And then I answered myself:

No but there are times that I don’t have an answer and I feel that I am expected to say something. My strategy here is to start talking and keep the answer as close to the topic as possible in order to give the appearance that I know what I am talking about and hopefully stay close enough the subject to answer the question.see above… and I don’t ever start talking without purpose but there are times that I am not comfortable getting to the purpose because I feel like it is “off topic” or that my “purpose” is juxtaposed to the group and I don’t want to muddy the waters. It then becomes easy to talk around the topic rather than speaking to it directly.Unless I am supporting another idea, I seldom start talking without an idea or thought that I believe would valuable to the group. My struggle is, as a dreamer and forward thinker, often my ideas are out of scope or V2,V3 or V4. So I can easily derail the group (which isn’t healthy either). There are times that I have to keep my ideas in check to make sure that I am not the one muddying the waters.I don’t want to answer this…because honestly this “underlying fear” is true more often than I care to say. So now I am compelled to dig into this “underlying fear” a bit more…why am I so afraid? afraid to ask questions? afraid to share my ideas? afraid to speak up? afraid to offer my opinions? afraid to make an ask?

So let’s dig in…some of it goes back to what I shared recently around feeling like I don’t have a voice or that nobody wants to hear my voice. Some of it has to do with the fact that I don’t take the time to plan out my conversations enough ahead of time but the truth goes deeper…I’m afraid to make the ask because I don’t want to “put anyone out”.

I don’t know if y'all have ever heard that saying but as a kid my grandma would always hold back and not ask for help because you didn’t want the other person to suffer…I think there was some sense of “it is better for me to suffer by doing without than to make the other person suffer by going without”. As I am thinking about it, there was probably a sense of “humility” and “strength” in there BUT I now believe that to be a false sense of humility and strength.

I have taken on that false sense of humility and strength -

“I will just continue to suffer through and take the pain and others will see this and acknowledge how amazing I am.”

psst…the truth is that this is bullshit thinking

The TRUTH is that most people aren’t thinking about me and what I think when I am not there. The TRUTH is that most people are more than willing and able to provide value if asked. The TRUTH is that nobody is going to fight for my needs and wants more than me and I won’t get the support I need unless the “ask” comes of out of my mouth. The TRUTH is that keeping my mouth shut and not sharing my voice, speaking my truth and “making the ask” is weakness and nothing more AND it is on ME to make the change.

IF I need to prepare for the meeting beforehand in order to be ready to share insights that add value….that’s on me.

IF I need to stay engaged in the meeting in order to answer the questions that are being asked…that’s on me.

IF I don’t know the answer to the question and need to admit such in order to get back to them with an answer…that’s on me.

IF I need to make the ask…that’s on me to be precise about what needs said and what needs to be asked for the result I am looking for.

[I am going to let you in on a secret…this applies to everything from meetings to conversations. Personally, I find these struggles to be true at the office, with friends, in the home, etc.]

Hopefully you have caught on that “what are my words saying?” really has two meanings and applications:

am I running my mouth and using a lot of words to do so?am I precisely speaking my truth and making my ask?

That said, I am going to make some changes and challenge you to consider the same if you find yourself in a similar situation.

My goal for conversations moving forward:

Prepare to share my point of view if asked and prepare to make my ask if anything is needed.Stay engaged in the meeting/conversation to understand what is being said and how I need to adjust my POV or ASK accordingly.Clearly and precisely state my point of view (this is the Twitter Version or the TLDR - Too Long Didn’t Read Version).Boldly make my ask…period. If they say “no” then we can have discussion but make the ask and let the chips fall where they may!

So there it is…what are your words saying?

My words haven’t been great at times…that is going to change as I put the “goals” into action on future conversations / meetings.

What are Your Words Saying?I was in a meeting today, listening to everyone talk….and talk and...

What are Your Words Saying?

I was in a meeting today, listening to everyone talk….and talk and talk. I don’t know about y'all but it drives me nuts to site in a meeting that ends up with the group talking in circles without going anywhere.

Now listen, I understand the need for this type of “processing” to a point. I am one who processes externally; I like to talk through what I am thinking, feeling or believing and my hear myself say the words. Often when I say something “out loud” I change my mind, adjust my thinking or hold firmly to my position. My goal in processing this way is to work it out “out loud” in order to come to an internal consensus.

But that isn’t what happens in these meetings most of the time. Often it feels like we talk without any direction or purpose in mind.

Have you ever watched as someone talk just to hear their own voice? Someone will pick up the mic, say words, use buzz words, drop corporate speak and industry lingo in order to impress OR to convince the group that they have something to say but often they don’t know what they are talking about (or have an understanding of what is really even going on in the meeting).

I sat in the meeting today for a moment and thought “what are your words saying?” Truly, what is it that you are trying to say?

And then I thought about the amount of words they were using and asked “what are [the number of] your words saying?”

I started to wonder if people talk, “just to talk” OR if they talk because they are afraid to get to the point OR if they talk because they don’t want to appear unknowledgeable about the topic at hand.

I don’t think people go into meetings without reason or purpose. I don’t think most of the people that I interact with are there without an opinion or an idea. I don’t think that most people are completely full of shit and just run their mouths to take up space or to use words (that is unless they are on Twitter where this is seems to be the accepted culture)

I do believe that there really could be something deeper at play with the idea of “words for the sake of words”…and then I turned the question inward and think I struck gold! (at least it was gold for me)

I asked myself…Donavon:

Do you ever talk just to hear yourself talk? Do you ever talk without having a purpose or direction? Do you ever talk without an idea worth sharing?Do you ever talk with the underlying fear of just “making the ask”?

And then I answered myself:

No but there are times that I don’t have an answer and I feel that I am expected to say something. My strategy here is to start talking and keep the answer as close to the topic as possible in order to give the appearance that I know what I am talking about and hopefully stay close enough the subject to answer the question.see above… and I don’t ever start talking without purpose but there are times that I am not comfortable getting to the purpose because I feel like it is “off topic” or that my “purpose” is juxtaposed to the group and I don’t want to muddy the waters. It then becomes easy to talk around the topic rather than speaking to it directly.Unless I am supporting another idea, I seldom start talking without an idea or thought that I believe would valuable to the group. My struggle is, as a dreamer and forward thinker, often my ideas are out of scope or V2,V3 or V4. So I can easily derail the group (which isn’t healthy either). There are times that I have to keep my ideas in check to make sure that I am not the one muddying the waters.I don’t want to answer this…because honestly this “underlying fear” is true more often than I care to say. So now I am compelled to dig into this “underlying fear” a bit more…why am I so afraid? afraid to ask questions? afraid to share my ideas? afraid to speak up? afraid to offer my opinions? afraid to make an ask?

So let’s dig in…some of it goes back to what I shared recently around feeling like I don’t have a voice or that nobody wants to hear my voice. Some of it has to do with the fact that I don’t take the time to plan out my conversations enough ahead of time but the truth goes deeper…I’m afraid to make the ask because I don’t want to “put anyone out”.

I don’t know if y'all have ever heard that saying but as a kid my grandma would always hold back and not ask for help because you didn’t want the other person to suffer…I think there was some sense of “it is better for me to suffer by doing without than to make the other person suffer by going without”. As I am thinking about it, there was probably a sense of “humility” and “strength” in there BUT I now believe that to be a false sense of humility and strength.

I have taken on that false sense of humility and strength -

“I will just continue to suffer through and take the pain and others will see this and acknowledge how amazing I am.”

psst…the truth is that this is bullshit thinking

The TRUTH is that most people aren’t thinking about me and what I think when I am not there. The TRUTH is that most people are more than willing and able to provide value if asked. The TRUTH is that nobody is going to fight for my needs and wants more than me and I won’t get the support I need unless the “ask” comes of out of my mouth. The TRUTH is that keeping my mouth shut and not sharing my voice, speaking my truth and “making the ask” is weakness and nothing more AND it is on ME to make the change.

IF I need to prepare for the meeting beforehand in order to be ready to share insights that add value….that’s on me.

IF I need to stay engaged in the meeting in order to answer the questions that are being asked…that’s on me.

IF I don’t know the answer to the question and need to admit such in order to get back to them with an answer…that’s on me.

IF I need to make the ask…that’s on me to be precise about what needs said and what needs to be asked for the result I am looking for.

[I am going to let you in on a secret…this applies to everything from meetings to conversations. Personally, I find these struggles to be true at the office, with friends, in the home, etc.]

Hopefully you have caught on that “what are my words saying?” really has two meanings and applications:

am I running my mouth and using a lot of words to do so?am I precisely speaking my truth and making my ask?

That said, I am going to make some changes and challenge you to consider the same if you find yourself in a similar situation.

My goal for conversations moving forward:

Prepare to share my point of view if asked and prepare to make my ask if anything is needed.Stay engaged in the meeting/conversation to understand what is being said and how I need to adjust my POV or ASK accordingly.Clearly and precisely state my point of view (this is the Twitter Version or the TLDR - Too Long Didn’t Read Version).Boldly make my ask…period. If they say “no” then we can have discussion but make the ask and let the chips fall where they may!

So there it is…what are your words saying?

My words haven’t been great at times…that is going to change as I put the “goals” into action on future conversations / meetings.

Let’s talk about Wholehearted Living!

Ok…I said something today on Twitter that really kicked my ass (at the heart level). I decided it was time to stop “talking and start doing”.

“Everyone has potential but potential doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t do anything with it!”

I have wanted to blog, tried to blog, committed to blogging but I have never simply “blogged”.

I have written blogs. I have posted blogs. I have written about my journey. I have written about my faith. I have written about my recovery. I have written about culture. I have written about small business. I have written about coaching and living the life of your dreams.

I have done the work of “blogging”….but I have never stuck with it.

I haven’t stuck with it because I didn’t have a huge following that was promoting my blog, sharing my posts or interacting with my ideas. I quit because I felt like my voice didn’t matter…hell at one point I was convinced that I didn’t have a voice.

I allowed the fear, doubt and insecurities that I have dealt with my life to date influence my present life. I allowed the opinions of others to shut me up and silence me. I have allowed the thinking of the “empire” to penetrate my heart and support the belief in my heart that nobody wants to hear what I have to say because in reality I have nothing of value to bring to others.

You know what? It’s simply not true!

I have a longing in my heart to speak, to write, to share, to influence others and to help steer and guide the hearts and minds of men.

Oh, while we are at it…you know being vulnerable and all, I have TRULY held the belief that I don’t have anything to share with men. You know where this belief stems from, the belief that I am not a “real man” and that no “real man” would ever listen to me. Guess where that belief came from…the emasculation that has take place in my heart by my mother, step mother, ex girlfriends and wives, weak minded men and a society that is committed to shutting me up.

Enough. Truly - Enough is Enough!

I know I am not the only one but I have been through some shit in my life and I have something to say about all of it; being bullied in middle school and high school, working through my military experience, physical - sexual - emotional abuse (by men and women in my life), sever debt that nearly bankrupted me, dealing with tragic death of loved ones, starting a business, losing a business, buying a house and foreclosing on that house, navigating two nasty divorces, working through my personal recovery from addiction, navigating through blended families, having to set boundaries from toxic relationships, dealing with a crisis of faith and coming back from that in a healthy manner, working through depression and anxiety issues and much much more.

I have learned a great deal from each and every experience mentioned in that life and I want to share those discoveries with those that need to hear it. You can’t tell me that I don’t have a voice and that there aren’t others that need to hear it.

So let’s talk about Wholehearted Living!

As I stated earlier in the year, I am focusing on the following:

CourageConnectionC(K)indness

And these values lead to the following sub-actions:

VulnerabilityBelongingLove

All of these areas of focus will lead to Wholehearted Living.

For me, Wholehearted Living means that I have found balance, I have success in each of the areas above by focusing on them on a regular basis and doing the hard work of giving them prominence in my life. Wholehearted Living means that I am going to lean into my potential and STOP talking about it…I am going to START doing it!

(remember the quote from above….I had to close the loop for you)

I recently got a fire in my heart to get back to going after a Wholehearted Life. I am tired of seeing men kicked down by life, by society and by themselves. I am tired of feeling that I am alone and that we are all living in a hopeless state. I am tired of feeling like life is a lost cause….with no hope to find out what it means to find balance in life. I’m tired…and I have decided to do something about it.

I don’t know how often I am going to blog but I am going to blog.

I don’t know what I am going to write about but I am going to write.

I don’t know if anyone is listening but I am going to continue to share my voice and opinion and look for a tribe of men (and women) that need to hear what I have to say.

I am Donavon. I am going after a Wholehearted Life and this blog is a simple representation of what I am going through on a daily basis. Like it or Not…I would love to hear your thoughts, connect with you and talk about how we can all get to the place of Wholehearted Living together in this crazy life in which we live!

Let’s talk about Wholehearted Living!Ok…I said something today on Twitter that really...

Let’s talk about Wholehearted Living!

Ok…I said something today on Twitter that really kicked my ass (at the heart level). I decided it was time to stop “talking and start doing”.

“Everyone has potential but potential doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t do anything with it!”

I have wanted to blog, tried to blog, committed to blogging but I have never simply “blogged”.

I have written blogs. I have posted blogs. I have written about my journey. I have written about my faith. I have written about my recovery. I have written about culture. I have written about small business. I have written about coaching and living the life of your dreams.

I have done the work of “blogging”….but I have never stuck with it.

I haven’t stuck with it because I didn’t have a huge following that was promoting my blog, sharing my posts or interacting with my ideas. I quit because I felt like my voice didn’t matter…hell at one point I was convinced that I didn’t have a voice.

I allowed the fear, doubt and insecurities that I have dealt with my life to date influence my present life. I allowed the opinions of others to shut me up and silence me. I have allowed the thinking of the “empire” to penetrate my heart and support the belief in my heart that nobody wants to hear what I have to say because in reality I have nothing of value to bring to others.

You know what? It’s simply not true!

I have a longing in my heart to speak, to write, to share, to influence others and to help steer and guide the hearts and minds of men.

Oh, while we are at it…you know being vulnerable and all, I have TRULY held the belief that I don’t have anything to share with men. You know where this belief stems from, the belief that I am not a “real man” and that no “real man” would ever listen to me. Guess where that belief came from…the emasculation that has take place in my heart by my mother, step mother, ex girlfriends and wives, weak minded men and a society that is committed to shutting me up.

Enough. Truly - Enough is Enough!

I know I am not the only one but I have been through some shit in my life and I have something to say about all of it; being bullied in middle school and high school, working through my military experience, physical - sexual - emotional abuse (by men and women in my life), sever debt that nearly bankrupted me, dealing with tragic death of loved ones, starting a business, losing a business, buying a house and foreclosing on that house, navigating two nasty divorces, working through my personal recovery from addiction, navigating through blended families, having to set boundaries from toxic relationships, dealing with a crisis of faith and coming back from that in a healthy manner, working through depression and anxiety issues and much much more.

I have learned a great deal from each and every experience mentioned in that life and I want to share those discoveries with those that need to hear it. You can’t tell me that I don’t have a voice and that there aren’t others that need to hear it.

So let’s talk about Wholehearted Living!

As I stated earlier in the year, I am focusing on the following:

CourageConnectionC(K)indness

And these values lead to the following sub-actions:

VulnerabilityBelongingLove

All of these areas of focus will lead to Wholehearted Living.

For me, Wholehearted Living means that I have found balance, I have success in each of the areas above by focusing on them on a regular basis and doing the hard work of giving them prominence in my life. Wholehearted Living means that I am going to lean into my potential and STOP talking about it…I am going to START doing it!

(remember the quote from above….I had to close the loop for you)

I recently got a fire in my heart to get back to going after a Wholehearted Life. I am tired of seeing men kicked down by life, by society and by themselves. I am tired of feeling that I am alone and that we are all living in a hopeless state. I am tired of feeling like life is a lost cause….with no hope to find out what it means to find balance in life. I’m tired…and I have decided to do something about it.

I don’t know how often I am going to blog but I am going to blog.

I don’t know what I am going to write about but I am going to write.

I don’t know if anyone is listening but I am going to continue to share my voice and opinion and look for a tribe of men (and women) that need to hear what I have to say.

I am Donavon. I am going after a Wholehearted Life and this blog is a simple representation of what I am going through on a daily basis. Like it or Not…I would love to hear your thoughts, connect with you and talk about how we can all get to the place of Wholehearted Living together in this crazy life in which we live!

Seeking Human C(K)indness

Anyone else in this boat right now?

Given all that we went through in 2020, I feel like we could all sit on our street corners with similar signs and seek to call one another back to the greatest versions of ourselves. Come to think of it, maybe this shouldn’t be about what we each “could” do but exactly what we “should” do this year!

Personally I think we all need to step back, collectively take a deep breath and release the tensions, frustrations and stresses of last year and cut each other some slack (dare I say a great deal of slack). There are so many hurtful and hateful things being thrown around by many of us and on all sides of the aisle; quite frankly it isn’t helpful and doesn’t feel like it is getting us anywhere productive. 

Candidly, I don’t see this level of hostility and hurt changing with a new regime going into office this month (or any month for that matter) because those types of changes don’t happen when directed by others, they happen when decided upon by individuals.

I want to take is back a step further, wouldn’t it be great for each of us to individually step back, take in a deep breath and release the personal tensions, frustrations, guilt, pressure, fear, anxiety and all other negative emotions that we have carried around inside of us for so long? 

Last year certainly shined a spotlight on a pandemic that is taking place in our country and I am not directly speaking about COVID. We demonstrated that as a culture we are systemically broken in so many ways right now and the pressures of this past year became the breaking point for so many. 

Think about it this way, it really comes down to Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs…in just a few short months we went from a nation of, families of and individuals of being Self Aware to a society that will do just about anything and say just about anything to ensure our simple survival needs are met.

Lost jobs leads to lack of self worth and self confidence, even if it wasn’t your fault. Lack of income leads to the inability to provide for yourself or your families. Social Distance leads to strained and distant relationships becoming even more strained and more distant. 

We found ourselves, both collectively and individually, scrambling to figure out how to simply survive in this new norm that we all found ourselves in and honestly these circumstances revealed a great deal of what has been taking place under the surface for years…much of which we have been able to hide or disguise for several years (if not decades).

So how do we get back to “human kindness”?

I believe it first starts with demonstrating “personal kindness” to ourselves.

That’s right…in order to show kindness to others, we need to show kindness to ourselves first. I’m going to personalize this, in order for ME to show kindness to others, I need to show kindness to myself. Much like the demonstrations and outbursts of the past year are systemic at the core of our society, these same emotional “outbursts” are systemic to our individual core.

I am going to dive into this more in the coming weeks, as I have taken a great deal of my ideas from Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly…and have been thinking through a lot about this over the past year. 

I am tired of where we are as a society right now in our dealings with each other and would love to see a rise in Human Kindness this year. I believe in order for that to happen I have to get just as frustrated with how I deal with myself and demand a rise in Personal Kindness toward myself this year. 

And it starts today!

Here is a prime example…I have put on nearly 15 pounds in the past 2 years and I have beaten myself up over this in big way. 

Fat Ass! Fatty McFatterson! Sick and Tired of Being Sick, Fat and Tired! I’m just a F-ing Fat Ass!

…all things I have said about myself and it ends right now. 

YES, I am heavier than I want to be right now
YES, I don’t feel well as a result
YES, I want to make a change and feel better

All of these things are true BUT instead of beating myself up over them (which I have been doing for MONTHS now), I am going to do the following:

acknowledge the fact that I have put on weight recentlyacknowledge that I have done so because I haven’t been as focused on eating and exercising the way I have in the pastacknowledge that I have plan to move forward (a plan that has worked for me in the past and that I have confidence in to do so now)acknowledge that I deserve to feel better and that I have the means by which to make “feeling better” happen

But honestly beyond all of this…I must first acknowledge that the weight gain has simply zero bearing on my worth and how I should feel about myself.

So I am taking the time right now to acknowledge that my value isn’t tied to my weight gain (or weight loss for that matter) and that this new eating and exercise plan will help me get back to a state of being where I felt better than I do right now.

My first step in showing C(K)indess to myself is this…what’s yours?