Fiona Murden's Blog

Breaking Free: Escaping the Trap of Toxic Positivity

I remember the day vividly, the day that while I was at school my dad, despite his healthy lifestyle, had a heart attack. For a time it shattered my world with the fear that we may lose him. But, in the aftermath, my dad’s response was nothing short of remarkable. Instead of succumbing to despair, he chose to focus on the positives, finding joy in the smallest of moments and expressing gratitude for the wonders of life. Something he continued to do with complete authenticity for many years to come. 

Perhaps it was this that led me to pick up ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’ by Norman Vincent Peale when I was browsing a second-hand book shop as a teenager. The book published in the 1950s with a hard-plain cover, dulled gold print and yellow pages offered hope of breaking free of my teenage angst. I treasured that book and took everything to heart in an attempt to rid myself of my troubles. But this book potentially contributed to my downward spiral into what ultimately became severe clinical depression. 

Back then, I wasn’t a psychologist—I was simply trying to navigate life. It’s only now, after years of experience, that I’m beginning to understand the nuanced yet pivotal distinction between my Dad’s approach to positivity and the advice I’d earnestly attempted to live. The authors advice was genuine and heartfelt but written in a time before we fully understood the traps and nuances of the brain. 

But despite knowing so much more about how the brain works now, society is slow to drop the messages of what’s become known as toxic positivity. Notebook covers tell us to “stay positive”, social media posts urge us to “look on the bright side” even well meaning friends will tell us “It will all be fine. Everything happens for a reason.”But while cultivating a positive outlook can be beneficial for our mental well-being, there’s a fine line between applying this in a healthy way versus one that is as the term suggests is ‘toxic’ to our brain. 

Toxic positivity is the relentless pursuit of happiness at the expense of acknowledging and processing negative emotions. It’s the belief that we should always maintain a cheerful demeanour, regardless of any challenges we face. This mindset invalidates genuine emotions and can foster feelings of guilt or shame for not “being positive enough.” It can even be seriously harmful to mental health. 

On the other hand, healthy positivity involves acknowledging the full spectrum of emotions while seeking out moments of joy and gratitude. It’s about finding balance, allowing ourselves to experience sadness, anger, or frustration when necessary, but not allowing these emotions to define our entire outlook on life. Here are some examples of how these differences can look: 

1. Acknowledging Emotions

   – Healthy Positivity: Embraces the full range of emotions, encouraging you to validate your feelings, both positive and negative e.g. “I feel sad about the situation, and it’s okay to feel this way. I will give myself the space to process it.”

   – Toxic Positivity: Dismisses emotions, pressuring you to maintain a relentlessly positive outlook, which can lead to the invalidation of natural feelings of sadness, anger, or fear which prevents healthy processing e.g. “Don’t be sad; just think positive! Everything will work out in the end.”

2. Having Emotional Flex

Healthy Positivity: Recognizes the natural ebb and flow of emotions, promoting a mindset that allows for the coexistence of positive and negative feelings. e.g. “Today has been challenging, but I also had moments of joy. It’s normal to have both good and bad days.”

Toxic Positivity: Contributes to “all or nothing” thinking, creating a sense of inadequacy when we’re unable to continuously maintain a positive attitude e.g. “I must be happy all the time, no matter what challenges I’m facing. Just ignore the negativity.”

3. Being Compassionate

Healthy Positivity: Fosters self-compassion by allowing us to acknowledge and work through difficult emotions without judgment, promoting a more realistic approach to well-being e.g. “I made a mistake, and it’s okay. I will learn from it and do better next time. I am human, and it’s natural to have setbacks.”

Toxic Positivity: Can lead to increased feelings of shame and guilt when we’re unable to maintain a positive attitude at all times, hindering genuine emotional processing e.g. “I should always maintain a positive attitude. Feeling down is a sign of weakness.”

4. Asking for Help

Healthy Positivity: Encourages seeking support when needed, recognizing that it’s okay not to be okay at times e.g. “I’m going through a tough time, and I could do with talking to someone I trust.”

Toxic Positivity: Can make it difficult for individuals to seek help when they’re struggling, as they fear being judged or rejected for not positive enough e.g. “You don’t want to hear about my problems. Just focus on the good things in life.”

5. Sharing Openly 

Healthy Positivity: Promotes a balanced approach that acknowledges the full range of human emotions, fostering authenticity and genuine connections with others e.g. “I appreciate your honesty about your feelings. It’s important to me that we can talk about things openly.”

Toxic Positivity: Sets unrealistic expectations that individuals should only experience positive emotions, failing to acknowledge the complexity of human emotions and experiences e.g. “Just be positive and everything will be fine. Don’t bring everyone down with your feelings.”

It’s taken me many years to figure out the difference between using positivity in a way that’s healthy versus a way that’s toxic. Like many things psychological it can be hard to wrap your head around, especially when it comes to applying knowledge to ourselves. It’s so nuanced which is why it’s really important to try to keep learning both for ourselves and in order to respond in the right way to people we care about and want to support. Understanding the distinction really is crucial for promoting mental well-being and resilience, improving our enjoyment of life (which of course doesn’t mean always plastering on a smile) and improving our relationships.

My dad’s journey serves as a poignant example of genuine optimism in action. Despite facing significant health challenges, he chose to focus on the positives, embracing gratitude and finding joy in everyday moments. Rather than dwelling on what he couldn’t control, he shifted his perspective, choosing to see the good in people and situations. Like my dad, I’m now striving to find joy in the journey, embracing life’s ups and downs with grace and gratitude and learning how to work with my brain in a way that’s helpful. 

I miss you Dad!

To read more about ‘Healthy Positivity’ try Barbara Fredrickson’s book “Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the 3-to-1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life”

Photo: Pexels 

Next Level Leadership

In my adventures through the corridors of leadership and personal development, I’ve been privileged to walk alongside many extraordinary leaders. Moving to California 7 months ago has given me the change that enables a great deal of reflection. One theme I keep returning to is this: 

The essence of sustainable high performance and meaningful growth lies not in tirelessly correcting our flaws but in embracing and cultivating our strengths.

You may well roll your eyes. Perhaps it sounds flaky or like a soft approach. When working with leaders it often takes a surprising level of cajoling to get them to think about how their strengths can be the key to taking their leadership to another level. We’re conditioned to think about what we can fix or what gaps we have rather than learning how to use our gifts to propel us forward. And do so in a way that’s far more enjoyable. 

Rather than striving endlessly to become good at the things you can’t do, don’t enjoy or struggle with, focus on what you can do and take it further. 

Sarah, the CEO of a retail company, leant into her knack for making people feel valued in order to improve her leadership skills. Instead of spending time trying to get better at crunching numbers – something she always found challenging – she doubled down on her ability to boost team morale. She worked hard to use this to create a positive work environment where her employees felt appreciated and motivated. This focus not only made her company a market leader, but also helped Sarah grow into a more confident and inspirational leader.

We still need discomfort

Yet, the human experience is beautifully complex. Embracing our strengths doesn’t mean we turn a blind eye to our challenges, stop pushing our boundaries or ignoring the areas where we’re less adept. Sarah for example couldn’t just disregard her tussle with numbers. She needed to recognise and ensure that she was still trying to grow in this area, continually building a toolkit for how, and knowing when to leverage others’ skills to fill her gaps. 

It’s not an excuse 

A strengths focus is not an excuse for our less helpful behaviors. Take Tim for example, a founder and leader known for his boundless creativity and ability to inspire with visionary ideas. While these strengths sparked innovation, when I met him this was not balanced by an awareness of the impact his strength had on others. Being a founder meant that until his company was bought by a Private Equity firm, he had no one to answer to, no reason to be assessed and no awareness of a need to ask for feedback. He often used his creativity as an excuse for not planning and frequently changing direction saying ‘I’m a creative thinker – it’s just what comes with the territory, without it we wouldn’t be where we are today’. Once he had feedback from his reports and we explored this in more depth he began to understand that this behaviour really wasn’t optimal either for him or for his organisation. But instead of forcing Tim into a mold that didn’t fit, we worked on how he could learn to appreciate the value of structure for others. He began to look at ways of integrating planning to support his team’s needs in a way that didn’t stifle his own creative essence. He leant on a direct report whose strengths complemented his, who could help him to translate his visionary ideas into actionable plans that the team could rally behind while feeling a greater sense of security. And he remained aware of needing to watch the impact of his behaviour on those around him.

Behaviour change or fine tuning?

As people get more senior the need for behaviour change decreases but does not disappear. It decreases because typically they will have had multiple opportunities for feedback and development over the course of their career. But there are still times when even a ‘good’ leader needs to change. For example, take someone who transitions to a role as the CEO role with a highly skilled and cohesive top team. They may have to dramatically step back their evolvement acting more as a facilitator than they are used to, which will mean overriding many years of operating differently. 

Leaders typically know their blindspots, but a good leader will also understand the need to make sure they remain aware of these, that they continue to fine tune how they behaviour and ensure open communication with those they are impacting. That is of course is where mentors, coaches and trusted allies can be invaluable. 

Understanding the delicate dance between pushing for growth and recognizing our limits is an art refined over time. It demands deep self-awareness, an honest assessment of our capabilities, and a willingness to listen to our inner voice and to invite the voices of those around us too. This balance is where exceptional leadership occurs, allowing leaders to grow and flourish in a way that’s positive and helpful, role-modelling others on their path to discovering and leveraging their strengths also.

Square Peg, Round Hole – Why the Route to High Performance is Different for Men and Women

Venturing into the world of personal development is a bit like embarking on a journey through a maze. Some turns look promising, signposted by charismatic figure congratulating themselves over their life-changing revelations, but if taken will typically lead us to a dead end. Other turns look less exciting, such as the ‘science of potential’ but actually lead us to where we want to go. I’m a big fan of the latter, and a self-proclaimed

cynic of the former. However, this summer my cynicism began to waver where one ‘guru’ was concerned. 

I’d previously been sceptical, but when a friend shared what he was gaining from this ‘guru’s’ book I was intrigued and took a look. It really was quite good: his claims were backed by evidence, it was easy to digest, and it made pragmatic sense. So, when he had an event 20 minutes from my house I decided to go. 

Arriving at the event I resolved to hold on to my judgement even as the ‘guru’ unrelentingly told us how incredible he was. I popped to the bathroom and returned to see strangers hugging and proclaiming each other’s greatness. Despite wanting to run (and fast) I convinced myself that perhaps I was just being ‘too British’. I had after all come here to learn and that’s what I would do. And I did, but what I learnt wasn’t quite what I’d expected….

It was when he started talking about ‘consistency’ that it suddenly struck me. The reason his ‘wisdoms’ were irritating me (aside from his self-proclaimed brilliance) was because – here was a man, talking to a two-thirds female audience about how to achieve high performance, HIS way. What he was suggesting might work for men BUT it would not work for women because it simply didn’t take account of the female brain.

Before I continue, I should dispel a common myth. Women’s and men’s brains are actually more similar than they are different. However, any woman and any man who has lived with a woman knows that our level of happiness, clarity of thinking and self-esteem are just a few things that can dramatically fluctuate. And this, surprise surprise is because hormones impact brain function and our hormone levels are not consistent. We don’t enjoy this monthly ride, but it comes part in parcel with being female. 

Worryingly it’s not just ‘gurus’ who are gendered in their approach, academic research is too. For example, neuroscientific studies are predominantly carried out on male brains because ‘hormonal cycles complicate studies in female research’. But the scant research that has been done on females shows that there are links between ‘emotion-dependent cognitive processes’ and menstrual cycle phase, which at times negatively impacts performance.

Looking to sport where performance is more overt, there’s also a significant lack of research into women. However, what does exist shows that during menstruation women have a reduction in power and increased fatigue. Strength and aerobic performance are also impaired during certain phases, and anaerobic performance in others. Psychologically confidence, focus, reaction to criticism, motivation, competitiveness and sleep quality are also impacted at different times in the cycle.

I’ve coached and profiled senior men and women for the past 20 years. I’ve spent hours and hours listening to the differences in how they experience the world and how, the ongoing hormonal changes impact performance. So, I did begin to question why I had never ‘joined the dots’ on this before? Well…

I was trained by men on approaches developed by men, for men and I probably didn’t notice the significance of this because as a woman I’m also unconsciously biased. Research by the UN Development agency found that “close to 90% of men AND women hold some sort of bias against women”.When working one-to-one I look for what fits the person in front of me, I don’t apply a blanket solution. When working on team high performance the most critical factors are not heavily impacted by fluctuations in hormone levels.

From now on I am going to continually assess my work to make sure I’m consciously taking account of women’s needs. So, Mr Guru, thank you for the incredible lesson.

What can we all do to help women perform at be at their best?

Women, support women. While we may not overtly believe it, we have been brought up to compete rather than support one another, but research shows that we thrive on collaboration. Be cautious about what you read and who you listen to. Even when it comes to science question – What is the evidence based on? Most research focuses on performance in men. Women try not to compare your performance directly men. For instance, even training for a 10k race should look different and tailored to your specific needs. Why? It’s known that declining hormones at certain times of your cycle cause an inflammatory response, impacting energy levels, compromising recovery and putting you at higher risk of injury. If you use a male training model you could well end up out of the race. When it comes to environments that are not dependent on physiology we can and do equal men in our performance capabilities, but how we get there still needs to take account of being female.As a result, we should offer women coaching, mentoring and/or peer support to explore and take account of their personal needs and how the science of performance does and does not apply to them. 

Yes, it’s harder working out what works when and keeping track of how hormonal levels impact us. But at least if we try and find the right personal fit, we may be a little kinder to ourselves when we don’t tick all the boxes on ‘the rules of high performance’ written by a man. 

For more on finding your personal fit or helping women in your team to find their route to high performance please join our waitlist or our contact list at Oka.Life

Campa, F., Micheli, M. L., Pompignoli, M., Cannataro, R., Gulisano, M., Toselli, S., … & Coratella, G. (2021). The influence of menstrual cycle on bioimpedance vector patterns, performance, and flexibility in elite soccer players. International Journal of Sports Physiology and Performance, 17(1), 58-66.

Carmichael, M. A., Thomson, R. L., Moran, L. J., & Wycherley, T. P. (2021). The impact of menstrual cycle phase on athletes’ performance: a narrative review. International journal of environmental research and public health, 18(4), 1667.

Castanier, C., Bougault, V., Teulier, C., Jaffré, C., Schiano-Lomoriello, S., Vibarel-Rebot, N., … & Collomp, K. (2021). The specificities of elite female athletes: a multidisciplinary approach. Life, 11(7), 622.

Lise Eliot, Adnan Ahmed, Hiba Khan, Julie Patel. Dump the ‘dimorphism’: Comprehensive synthesis of human brain studies reveals few male-female differences beyond size. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 2021

Paludo, A. C., Paravlic, A., Dvořáková, K., & Gimunová, M. (2022). The effect of menstrual cycle on perceptual responses in athletes: a systematic review with meta-analysis. Frontiers in psychology, 13, 926854.

Read, P., Mehta, R., Rosenbloom, C., Jobson, E., & Okholm Kryger, K. (2022). Elite female football players’ perception of the impact of their menstrual cycle stages on their football performance. A semi-structured interview-based study. Science and Medicine in Football, 6(5), 616-625.

Weber M.T., Maki P.M., McDermott M.P. Cognition and mood in perimenopause: A systematic review and meta-analysis. J. Steroid Biochem. Mol. Biol. 2014;142:90–98

Woolley, C. S. (2021, January). His and Hers: Sex differences in the brain. In Cerebrum: the Dana Forum on Brain Science(Vol. 2021). Dana Foundation.

Image – Andrea Piacquadio

My Route to Gender Equality Took a Detour

Growing up with a big brother as my idol, I was all about embracing the ‘boyish’ side of life. Despite my long, blonde locks and occasional dress wearing, I was determined to do everything he did – climbing trees, playing football and even shooting a rifle (thankfully just targets, not living creatures). I often came home to my Mum exclaiming, ‘What have you been up to? You look like you’ve been through a hedge backward.’

I dreamt of becoming a fighter pilot, drawn to the thrill of it (although the thought of taking a life didn’t sit so well with me). My ability to ‘do’ science and my affinity for male companionship made this feel like a natural fit.

While that dream didn’t materialize, my career still led me into male-dominated fields. I started with business consulting, where women made up just 25% of the workforce compared to 75% men. Later, I entered the realm of organizational psychology, where the gender balance only slightly favours men at 52%. But, since my work focused on leadership, where only 9% of FTSE 100 CEOs were women, I mostly worked with men.

Not My Issue

Naively, embarrassingly in fact I never saw gender diversity as an issue. I could see why it was for ‘other people’ but it didn’t bother me. However, I now believe think that by ignoring the differences for so long I have been doing a major disservice to women. While I’ve always confronted bullies and injustice, stubbornly refusing to be a bystander, when it comes to gender diversity, my unconscious attempt to try to blend in arguably let me down.

Imposter Syndrome and Invisible Barriers 

Before I left the UK, I met one of my mentees, Gill. As we sat in a cozy Soho coffee shop, our conversation flowing over steaming cups of tea, I truly began to feel the weight of my neglect toward my fellow females.

Gill is a brilliant scientist, poised to make ground-breaking discoveries in her field, but when I saw her she was struggling. The weight of imposter syndrome had settled heavily on her shoulders, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that she didn’t belong among her peers. Her worries echoed what I have seen time and again across industries but that I have never paid enough attention to. Stark gender disparities that persist throughout women’s career, even when they are leaders in their field. Women, being held back by their own limiting beliefs which are fed by social norms and then amplified significantly by the myriad of invisible barriers put up by organisations and society. 

Perhaps I was woken up by the fact that these barriers have hit home for me over the past two years as a founder. In the UK, for every £1 of venture capital (VC) investment, all-female founder teams receive less than 1p. While it’s challenging to quantify the direct personal impact of this, I’ve undeniably felt that this time the boys have left me out in the cold. 

What Women Need, Not What We Think They Need

It’s often disheartening to see women’s achievements overshadowed by men accomplishing the same feats. Consider the utterly brilliant woman I spoke to for the podcast last week whose accomplishments listed on Wikipedia include being the:

First woman and first American to reach the summit of Lewis Nunatak in Antarctica.First woman and first American to ski to the South Pole.First woman and first American to row across the Atlantic.

N.B. Would her gender have been mentioned if she were a man?

She wondered out loud if she would have received more public recognition as a man. Her conclusion? Likely, yes. And it’s therefore easy to assume that’s what she should get, that’s what she wanted. She may have received less attention, but she also went on to say that she wouldn’t have ‘wanted’ that level of fame. The key point here being – we must understand what women truly need, not assume what they need is the same as men. 

A Long Overdue Change of Perspective

What matters most to me today is being mother to two incredible girls, on the verge of stepping into a world still grappling with unfairness and inequality. This together with these nudges of experience have profoundly rattled my convictions, prompting me to acknowledge the harsh realities at hand.

If we genuinely seek a more peaceful, equitable, and inclusive future, we must realize the potential within every individual. It’s our shared responsibility to nurture that potential and work towards a better world for all.

Initially for me that means harnessing Oka as a tool to empower women, enabling them to uncover their intrinsic needs for growth and success, backed by the essential human support. It’s about supporting one another, especially in the face of global challenges.

If you would like to support a woman, regardless of your gender then please sign up as a mentor with Oka. If you are a woman looking for support please also sign up to our waitlist here https://oka.life/waitlistpage

Photo – pexels.com

My Route to Gender Equality Took a detour

Growing up with a big brother as my idol, I was all about embracing the ‘boyish’ side of life. Despite my long, blonde locks and occasional dress wearing, I was determined to do everything he did – climbing trees, playing football and even shooting a rifle (thankfully just targets, not living creatures). I often came home to my Mum exclaiming, ‘What have you been up to? You look like you’ve been through a hedge backward.’

I dreamt of becoming a fighter pilot, drawn to the thrill of it (although the thought of taking a life didn’t sit so well with me). My ability to ‘do’ science and my affinity for male companionship made this feel like a natural fit.

While that dream didn’t materialize, my career still led me into male-dominated fields. I started with business consulting, where women made up just 25% of the workforce compared to 75% men. Later, I entered the realm of organizational psychology, where the gender balance only slightly favours men at 52%. But, since my work focused on leadership, where only 9% of FTSE 100 CEOs were women, I mostly worked with men.

Not My Issue

Naively, embarrassingly in fact I never saw gender diversity as an issue. I could see why it was for ‘other people’ but it didn’t bother me. However, I now believe think that by ignoring the differences for so long I have been doing a major disservice to women. While I’ve always confronted bullies and injustice, stubbornly refusing to be a bystander, when it comes to gender diversity, my unconscious attempt to try to blend in arguably let me down.

Imposter Syndrome and Invisible Barriers 

Before I left the UK, I met one of my mentees, Gill. As we sat in a cozy Soho coffee shop, our conversation flowing over steaming cups of tea, I truly began to feel the weight of my neglect toward my fellow females.

Gill is a brilliant scientist, poised to make ground-breaking discoveries in her field, but when I saw her she was struggling. The weight of imposter syndrome had settled heavily on her shoulders, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that she didn’t belong among her peers. Her worries echoed what I have seen time and again across industries but that I have never paid enough attention to. Stark gender disparities that persist throughout women’s career, even when they are leaders in their field. Women, being held back by their own limiting beliefs which are fed by social norms and then amplified significantly by the myriad of invisible barriers put up by organisations and society. 

Perhaps I was woken up by the fact that these barriers have hit home for me over the past two years as a founder. In the UK, for every £1 of venture capital (VC) investment, all-female founder teams receive less than 1p. While it’s challenging to quantify the direct personal impact of this, I’ve undeniably felt that this time the boys have left me out in the cold. 

What Women Need, Not What We Think They Need

It’s often disheartening to see women’s achievements overshadowed by men accomplishing the same feats. Consider the utterly brilliant woman I spoke to for the podcast last week whose accomplishments listed on Wikipedia include being the:

First woman and first American to reach the summit of Lewis Nunatak in Antarctica.First woman and first American to ski to the South Pole.First woman and first American to row across the Atlantic.

N.B. Would her gender have been mentioned if she were a man?

She wondered out loud if she would have received more public recognition as a man. Her conclusion? Likely, yes. And it’s therefore easy to assume that’s what she should get, that’s what she wanted. She may have received less attention, but she also went on to say that she wouldn’t have ‘wanted’ that level of fame. The key point here being – we must understand what women truly need, not assume what they need is the same as men. 

A Long Overdue Change of Perspective

What matters most to me today is being mother to two incredible girls, on the verge of stepping into a world still grappling with unfairness and inequality. This together with these nudges of experience have profoundly rattled my convictions, prompting me to acknowledge the harsh realities at hand.

If we genuinely seek a more peaceful, equitable, and inclusive future, we must realize the potential within every individual. It’s our shared responsibility to nurture that potential and work towards a better world for all.

Initially for me that means harnessing Oka as a tool to empower women, enabling them to uncover their intrinsic needs for growth and success, backed by the essential human support. It’s about supporting one another, especially in the face of global challenges.

If you would like to support a woman, regardless of your gender then please sign up as a mentor with Oka. If you are a woman looking for support please also sign up to our waitlist here https://oka.life/waitlistpage

Photo – pexels.com

Thank You for Your Patience…

Earlier, as I sat down to help my 10-year-old daughter with her maths homework I was itching to tackle my own ‘to-do list’ and had to battle the urge to blurt out the answers in order to speed things up. Instead, I made a conscious effort to watch patiently as she worked through problems, stepping in with gentle course corrections when necessary, but also withholding until assistance was genuinely required. This was not easy. In any situation, where ‘we know’ how to do things (even when we don’t have a ‘to do list’ to complete) it’s tempting to jump straight in with the answers, to tell someone how to do something or to share our own ‘wisdom’. 

Parenting my 16-year-old daughter stirs up another unique blend of emotions, revolving more around life’s intricacies than mathematical equations. With Libby it’s the heart-wrenching fear of allowing her the freedom to chart her own course, make her own mistakes and fail her own way that overwhelmingly occupies my thoughts.

While I was reflecting on this, I realized that many of our nurturing relationships share similarities. The common thread whether it’s parenting, mentoring, managing a team or providing any other kind of developmental relationship is the need for patience. Patience and gentle guidance. Rather than seizing control and dictating the course (which is at times is very hard to resist) it’s about finding the strength to step back, let go and provide support only when it’s needed. And doing so without judgement, with the other person’s best interests at heart (i.e. not what we ‘think’ is in their best interests). This is not easy to do (especially when we have lots to do) but there’s something profoundly moving in witnessing someone work through challenges and discover solutions on their own.

Learning from Guiding Others 

In the same way that’s there’s an art to letting go there’s also an art to learning from the act of helping others discover their own path. When we proactively seek to nurture someone, it deepens our level of empathy and patience. We learn or are reminded of the nuances of authentically connecting and actively listening, recognizing that sometimes the most valuable discoveries come not from our words but from the silent spaces in which others find their own answers. This process also teaches us the beauty of celebrating diversity, for each and every individual’s journey truly is unique and to be celebrated as such. These essential aspects of our human experience impact us both individually and collectively. 

Our Individual Need to Guide

We all possess an innate need for relationships that encourage exploration and discovery. Talk to any parent or mentor who has watched someone grow. They won’t describe it as being a task or something that they were duty bound to do, rather a gift for which they are typically deeply grateful. They have found themselves thriving through watching someone they care about grow and develop. It gives energy and a sense of being alive like few other experiences. 

The Collective Power of Nurturing Relationships

Collectively, we often fail to recognize both the immense power and critical importance of these relationships for the broader human community. They serve as the bedrock of humankind’s progress. As we encourage others to discover their unique potential, we contribute to a society enriched with diverse perspectives and capabilities. Such relationships foster tolerance, empathy, and unity, allowing us to overcome challenges and find innovative solutions to complex problems. They create ripples of positive change that extend far beyond individual moments or individual lives, shaping the very fabric of our society.

Oka Life

To help foster these nurturing relationships I’ve spent the last 2 years creating a platform called Oka Life that connects people, primarily as mentor and mentee, based on psychological compatibility. Through meticulous research and development, our platform ensures that users not only swiftly establish the trust essential for these relationships to be most effective but also provides guidance on the most effective ways to offer and receive support.

We’re looking for Founding Mentors who will set the standard for mentoring in Oka. Founding Mentors will be a tight community of like-minded people who are core to our ambition. Sign up to our waitlist at https://oka.life/waitlistpage to become part of this. 

Be quick though, as our available spaces for this opportunity are limited.

Image – pexels.com Ron Lach

Thank you for your patience…

Earlier, as I sat down to help my 10-year-old daughter with her maths homework I was itching to tackle my own ‘to-do list’ and had to battle the urge to blurt out the answers in order to speed things up. Instead, I made a conscious effort to watch patiently as she worked through problems, stepping in with gentle course corrections when necessary, but also withholding until assistance was genuinely required. This was not easy. In any situation, where ‘we know’ how to do things (even when we don’t have a ‘to do list’ to complete) it’s tempting to jump straight in with the answers, to tell someone how to do something or to share our own ‘wisdom’. 

Parenting my 16-year-old daughter stirs up another unique blend of emotions, revolving more around life’s intricacies than mathematical equations. With Libby it’s the heart-wrenching fear of allowing her the freedom to chart her own course, make her own mistakes and fail her own way that overwhelmingly occupies my thoughts.

While I was reflecting on this, I realized that many of our nurturing relationships share similarities. The common thread whether it’s parenting, mentoring, managing a team or providing any other kind of developmental relationship is the need for patience. Patience and gentle guidance. Rather than seizing control and dictating the course (which is at times is very hard to resist) it’s about finding the strength to step back, let go and provide support only when it’s needed. And doing so without judgement, with the other person’s best interests at heart (i.e. not what we ‘think’ is in their best interests). This is not easy to do (especially when we have lots to do) but there’s something profoundly moving in witnessing someone work through challenges and discover solutions on their own.

Learning from Guiding Others 

In the same way that’s there’s an art to letting go there’s also an art to learning from the act of helping others discover their own path. When we proactively seek to nurture someone, it deepens our level of empathy and patience. We learn or are reminded of the nuances of authentically connecting and actively listening, recognizing that sometimes the most valuable discoveries come not from our words but from the silent spaces in which others find their own answers. This process also teaches us the beauty of celebrating diversity, for each and every individual’s journey truly is unique and to be celebrated as such. These essential aspects of our human experience impact us both individually and collectively. 

Our Individual Need to Guide

We all possess an innate need for relationships that encourage exploration and discovery. Talk to any parent or mentor who has watched someone grow. They won’t describe it as being a task or something that they were duty bound to do, rather a gift for which they are typically deeply grateful. They have found themselves thriving through watching someone they care about grow and develop. It gives energy and a sense of being alive like few other experiences. 

The Collective Power of Nurturing Relationships

Collectively, we often fail to recognize both the immense power and critical importance of these relationships for the broader human community. They serve as the bedrock of humankind’s progress. As we encourage others to discover their unique potential, we contribute to a society enriched with diverse perspectives and capabilities. Such relationships foster tolerance, empathy, and unity, allowing us to overcome challenges and find innovative solutions to complex problems. They create ripples of positive change that extend far beyond individual moments or individual lives, shaping the very fabric of our society.

Oka Life

To help foster these nurturing relationships I’ve spent the last 2 years creating a platform called Oka Life that connects people, primarily as mentor and mentee, based on psychological compatibility. Through meticulous research and development, our platform ensures that users not only swiftly establish the trust essential for these relationships to be most effective but also provides guidance on the most effective ways to offer and receive support.

We’re looking for Founding Mentors who will set the standard for mentoring in Oka. Founding Mentors will be a tight community of like-minded people who are core to our ambition. Sign up to our waitlist at https://oka.life/waitlistpage to become part of this. 

Be quick though, as our available spaces for this opportunity are limited.

Image – pexels.com Ron Lach

Friendsick – Navigating the Pangs of Missing Connections

Sitting here in California, having moved thousands of miles away from my home in the UK, I find myself grappling with a deep longing. Not for the place so much as the relationships I’ve left behind, the connections that have grown through life with me. It’s these key people who remember things about us that we have forgotten, forgive us and even love us for our quirks in a way that someone new simply doesn’t understand and make up part of our life narrative. And when they’re not there, we feel it – well I do.  I’m friendsick! 

Tiny Interactions Matter 

Moving to a different location, let alone a different time zone, has brought into sharp focus the daily interactions with friends and family, or lack there of. I often reach for my phone to share only to realise that ‘they’, my closest connections, are asleep on another continent. The people who would get my crappy joke (or at least pretend to find it vaguely amusing) or silly concerns are simply not available. It stirs up a sense of emptiness, reminiscent of when my Dad died. For months after I was struck by a daily reminder that he’d gone every time I went to call. 

As a psychologist, these experiences underscore the profound human need to be seen, heard, and believed in by the people who know us. Often it isn’t the big gestures of support that are foundational so much as the tiny everyday occurrences. When this connection is lacking, it becomes glaringly apparent. 

Navigating Life Through Relationships 

Having moved beyond the first few weeks of the ‘novelty of life in LA’ I’ve also become increasingly aware of feeling very lost socially, unable to navigate the nuances of the collective environment. It reminds me of a recurring dream I have where I’m driving but I can’t see. It’s pitch black and there are no lights on the car. I’m terrified of what I might hit but I can’t slow the car down. 

Until now I had not fully realised how much I depended on the unwritten and unspoken information in my environment. When people trust us with their thoughts, feelings and confidences, it helps us to create a more comprehensive understanding of the world. For me the absence of this continuous stream of information, the undercurrent that arises from intuitively piecing together fragments of conversation with familiar acquaintances, is suddenly also very palpable.

The Myth of Independence 

I grew up as someone fiercely independent. Partly by nature – I’m feisty and headstrong, partly as a protective shell brought about by life events. But for any of us in the West, regardless of our own personal tendencies the media and society consistently feeds us with messages that celebrates independence over interdependence. This I am realising more and more is not a healthy way to live. 

Our interconnectedness impacts us far more directly and profoundly than we often realise. From nourishing our souls to helping us navigate complex social environments to living as part of a global community. During the pandemic, many of us experienced at least a partial loss of these vital connections which has woken the world up to how much social ties really mean. We are inherently designed to depend on one another, to learn from one another, to glean insights from unspoken knowledge, and to support each other’s endeavours. But despite copious headlines stating ‘Loneliness is a more potent killer than smoking’ cultural norms still prevail suppressing this natural way of being. 

It is however a reality that we all really need to embrace and to appreciate. We need to abandon the notion that we can go it alone because, simply put, we cannot. This doesn’t negate our uniqueness; rather, it emphasizes the potential for our uniqueness to contribute to a greater whole when shared and combined. But how, how can we turn this knowledge into a daily reality? 

Mentoring and allyship provide a natural means of fostering these connections in a meaningful way. Do I personally need a mentor, yes I believe everyone does. It’s a hole that I’ve been trying to fill following the death of my amazing mentor Brenda Trenowden.  Mentors not only provide meaningful connection but also tap other fundamental human needs —the desire to grow, evolve, share, and help. Being part of a mentoring community that is backed by psychological guidance is even better – for meaningful connection and for:

how much we grow, how quickly we evolve, how much we learn from sharing and how much we can help and be helped. 

Keep following us, no actually I should say please join us because we don’t want you to follow, we want you to belong. Please join us as our story unfolds. And for a limited time, you can also join the waitlist for exclusive early access to our app at Oka.Life. 

Are You Reliably You?

In the quiet town of Crestwood, where everyone knew everyone else’s business, there lived a lady named Jemima. Jemima was well-known for her unwavering routine, punctuality, and desire for order. She was the kind of person who, you could set your watch by. But one day, something peculiar happened….

Jemima was a creature of habit. She left for work every morning at precisely 7.30am, returned home every evening at 6.00pm and she never missed her evening walk at 7.00pm sharp. But on this particular day, she left late for work, came home early and skipped her evening stroll. This continued for more than a fortnight. 

Her neighbours were baffled by this and Jemima became the topic of conversation. “Maybe she’s not feeling well,” “Perhaps she’s having a midlife crisis!” or “Has she finally met a man?”  The fact was, no one really knew why she had strayed from her routine, leaving everyone confused. 

This scenario begs the question: how do we make sense of behaviour? 

As humans, we seek patterns and consistency in our interactions. As a result, we all naturally operate from some sort of system for understanding people. We generalize, explain, and predict our own and others’ behaviour based on our perceptions, experiences, and beliefs. When things don’t fit with those systems or expected patterns, we become unsettled. 

So, how does this work from a psychological viewpoint?

Psychology uses personality theory to help explain behaviour in a scientific way (i.e. with less bias than our personal systems). Personality theory is built on the foundation that each of us possess unique traits which influence our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours and also allow us to broadly predict certain behaviours, in particular circumstances. 

For example, it can help us understand why some people thrive in social settings, while others prefer solitude, why some are risk-takers, while others are cautious. 

Don’t put me in a box

I have a particular dislike for being ‘type cast’ which is literally what a personality measure does. Similarly I’ve met people who feel that it’s wrong to sort people into different behaviour types suggesting it oversimplifies the complexity of human nature or pigeonholes people into rigid categories. Sadly, I have seen personality measures being misused for example: 

As a reason not hire someone (which btw goes against psychological ethics) To explain away unhelpful behaviour. For example, the colleague who announces: “I’m an extrovert sorry, I can’t help talking over people.” And then continues to do the same thing time and time again not allowing you to get a word in edge ways. To restrict someone’s potential – ‘You’re really never going to make it as a sales associate – I mean come on you’re an introvert’

But when used correctly personality measures can also be hugely helpful. Never losing sight of the fact that of course we are all unique, but also that certain aspects of our behaviour can be measured and can be predictive of how we will behaviour in different future scenarios (even for me). More of a compass guiding us through the intricacies of human behaviour than as a tool for labelling people.

The Everyday Implications 

Leadership – I’ve used personality tools to help leaders discover their blind spots, play to their strengths, and boost self-awareness. To foster better teamwork, smoother communication, and a happier, more productive workplace.

Personal Growth – We all have quirks in our personalities that we might not love or find challenging. For instance, you might find yourself obsessing over details in one area of your life, or your friends might get miffed when you repeatedly bail on plans for alone time. Personality theory can help us create plans that play to our strengths and make smarter choices in our personal and professional growth lives.

Relationships – understanding personality can be a cornerstone of healthy interactions. By recognising the factors that influence our behaviour we can gain deeper insights into the dynamic between ourselves and others, fostering mutual understanding of differences and more meaningful connections. 

Personality theory is used across many other areas of life too – e.g. to better navigate preferences when it comes to things like exercise, making it easier to stick to a healthy routine; for athletes helping them understand how to handle pressure or as a parent helping us to understand how to motivate and encourage our children. 

Why Use A Psychologist-Built Tool? 

While ‘proper’ personality theory is powerful, not all approaches are created equal. There are countless personality assessments that do little more than predict whether you prefer orange or green (some free, some that you pay for, and even one used by the CIA! – Listen to my interview with a former covert agent for more on this). 

However, the most reliable ones are developed by psychologists who specialize in this field, are grounded in rigorous research and undergo extensive testing to ensure their validity.  

Email our waitlist (putting waitlist in the title) to be the first to try our very own psychologist built Oka personality tool for free!

The power in understanding personality is that it helps us navigate the complexities of human behaviour, fostering our own growth as well as empathy, tolerance and the opportunity to build more meaningful relationships. But you don’t have to have a measure or the guidance of psychologist to meaningfully connect. Real connection also comes down to keeping an open mind, being non-judgemental and making the effort to put ourselves in others’ shoes. Perhaps all Jemima’s neighbours needed to do was ask if she was OK. That would have ‘scratched their itch’ to know more and given Jemima the opportunity to tell them, in her own words what was going on (or ask them to mind their own business!).

Image – Andrea-Piacquadio on Pexels.com 

Are you reliably you?

In the quiet town of Crestwood, where everyone knew everyone else’s business, there lived a lady named Jemima. Jemima was well-known for her unwavering routine, punctuality, and desire for order. She was the kind of person who, you could set your watch by. But one day, something peculiar happened….

Jemima was a creature of habit. She left for work every morning at precisely 7.30am, returned home every evening at 6.00pm and she never missed her evening walk at 7.00pm sharp. But on this particular day, she left late for work, came home early and skipped her evening stroll. This continued for more than a fortnight. 

Her neighbours were baffled by this and Jemima became the topic of conversation. “Maybe she’s not feeling well,” “Perhaps she’s having a midlife crisis!” or “Has she finally met a man?”  The fact was, no one really knew why she had strayed from her routine, leaving everyone confused. 

This scenario begs the question: how do we make sense of behaviour? 

As humans, we seek patterns and consistency in our interactions. As a result, we all naturally operate from some sort of system for understanding people. We generalize, explain, and predict our own and others’ behaviour based on our perceptions, experiences, and beliefs. When things don’t fit with those systems or expected patterns, we become unsettled. 

So, how does this work from a psychological viewpoint?

Psychology uses personality theory to help explain behaviour in a scientific way (i.e. with less bias than our personal systems). Personality theory is built on the foundation that each of us possess unique traits which influence our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours and also allow us to broadly predict certain behaviours, in particular circumstances. 

For example, it can help us understand why some people thrive in social settings, while others prefer solitude, why some are risk-takers, while others are cautious. 

Don’t put me in a box

I have a particular dislike for being ‘type cast’ which is literally what a personality measure does. Similarly I’ve met people who feel that it’s wrong to sort people into different behaviour types suggesting it oversimplifies the complexity of human nature or pigeonholes people into rigid categories. Sadly, I have seen personality measures being misused for example: 

As a reason not hire someone (which btw goes against psychological ethics) To explain away unhelpful behaviour. For example, the colleague who announces: “I’m an extrovert sorry, I can’t help talking over people.” And then continues to do the same thing time and time again not allowing you to get a word in edge ways. To restrict someone’s potential – ‘You’re really never going to make it as a sales associate – I mean come on you’re an introvert’

But when used correctly personality measures can also be hugely helpful. Never losing sight of the fact that of course we are all unique, but also that certain aspects of our behaviour can be measured and can be predictive of how we will behaviour in different future scenarios (even for me). More of a compass guiding us through the intricacies of human behaviour than as a tool for labelling people.

The Everyday Implications 

Leadership – I’ve used personality tools to help leaders discover their blind spots, play to their strengths, and boost self-awareness. To foster better teamwork, smoother communication, and a happier, more productive workplace.

Personal Growth – We all have quirks in our personalities that we might not love or find challenging. For instance, you might find yourself obsessing over details in one area of your life, or your friends might get miffed when you repeatedly bail on plans for alone time. Personality theory can help us create plans that play to our strengths and make smarter choices in our personal and professional growth lives.

Relationships – understanding personality can be a cornerstone of healthy interactions. By recognising the factors that influence our behaviour we can gain deeper insights into the dynamic between ourselves and others, fostering mutual understanding of differences and more meaningful connections. 

Personality theory is used across many other areas of life too – e.g. to better navigate preferences when it comes to things like exercise, making it easier to stick to a healthy routine; for athletes helping them understand how to handle pressure or as a parent helping us to understand how to motivate and encourage our children. 

Why Use A Psychologist-Built Tool? 

While ‘proper’ personality theory is powerful, not all approaches are created equal. There are countless personality assessments that do little more than predict whether you prefer orange or green (some free, some that you pay for, and even one used by the CIA! – Listen to my interview with a former covert agent for more on this). 

However, the most reliable ones are developed by psychologists who specialize in this field, are grounded in rigorous research and undergo extensive testing to ensure their validity.  

Email our waitlist (putting waitlist in the title) to be the first to try our very own psychologist built Oka personality tool for free!

The power in understanding personality is that it helps us navigate the complexities of human behaviour, fostering our own growth as well as empathy, tolerance and the opportunity to build more meaningful relationships. But you don’t have to have a measure or the guidance of psychologist to meaningfully connect. Real connection also comes down to keeping an open mind, being non-judgemental and making the effort to put ourselves in others’ shoes. Perhaps all Jemima’s neighbours needed to do was ask if she was OK. That would have ‘scratched their itch’ to know more and given Jemima the opportunity to tell them, in her own words what was going on (or ask them to mind their own business!).

Image – Andrea-Piacquadio on Pexels.com