Jad Abdallah's Blog, page 3

Thank you!

Thank you!

HOW TO GET THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS: …..PUNCH HER

Our team based in Valletta, Malta (after being kicked out from Beirut by a group calling itself TTR or Tourist Turned Refugee backed by another group called WTM Woman Turned Man and a rising group called MTW Man Turned Woman) has intensively researched the above-mentioned topic. Getting the girl of your dreams has never been that easy. You might believe that classical methods are still efficient: calling her, surprising her, buying her gifts and all this shit. You’ve been fooled by your friends who are most probably filling divorce applications right now (3 months after their Carribean wedding party). The most efficient strategy is to punch her. Period. Thanks to our research, your dream can now come true. Just follow the steps describe here-under.

Ask your little cousin Toni Yellow to follow her and watch her moves for an entire week. You’ll then decide on the strategic place to surprise her. Her neighborhood isn’t recommended. Her seven-pack ex-boyfriend Alexy Brax (he added an additional pack last week after spending more time at the gym than the 20h/24h receptionist) might be inspecting her. He’ll be sitting right in front of her residence sipping a girly caffè latte. Also, if you’re caught, you’ll lose her fat mom’s support. The best place to attack is the mall parking (that was built after erasing six traditional mansions leaving two people dead). She’ll definitely have no time to run with six bags of H&M, Samira’s Secret & Furla women’s clothes (two identical pieces were bought accidentally). What you wanna do to avoid being recognized is to wear an animal mask. You can buy those cheap masks for 3$ in the North-African-Refugee neighborhood or 4$ in the Arab-Refugee-Camp (a biological mutation of 3 different origins). You’ll get it for half the price in the city’s southern suburbs but make sure you exchange local currency or dollars against Iranian rials (the only currency used there). If you wanna be decent, buy it for 8$ from the local shop whose owner, Hamilcar, inherited 2500 years of trading skills but whose lifespan is unfortunately under threat and will be most probably outlived by refugee 1 and refugee 2.

Now comes the punch time. Don’t waste time. Surprise her when she’s opening her car door. The first punch should be strong enough to make her faint. If you don’t succeed with your first punch, keep punching her until she totally loses consciousness. Take her to the nearest hospital. When she awakens tell her softly that two refugees were trying to rob her and that you’ve saved her life. Congratulations. She is yours now.

The success rate of the above strategy is 99%. 1% of the subjects usually face one of the following hurdles:

- Disappear in the Arab-Refugee-Camp. Fate remains unknown for most of them.

- Couldn’t get a visit visa to travel to the southern city suburbs.

- The female target is the Alpha type and strong enough to defend herself.

UBER BLACK

If you think that the punch strategy is extremely violent, you might wanna try a second trick: Uber Black. Although the success rate is lower, this trick requires no big effort. Uber Black has a wide range of luxurious cars including: BMW 5 & 7 series, Mercedes G Class, Infiniti Q70, Jaguar XJ or similar cars that you usually borrow from your best friend Victor Lotus whom you only call when you need something important like reserving a place at SkyBarBar (yes even Barbar has a rooftop now). With Uber Black, Victor will no longer hear from you. When you order your Uber Black, call directly the driver and ask him to act as your chauffeur. You want your date to believe that the car is yours. If the chauffeur is kind enough, you can both practice some brief expressions to make the scene look more genuine: “Hey Labib! Aunt Therese’s little Chihuahua is still pooping near the building entrance. Can you shoot him tomorrow morning or something?” Or also “ Hey Labib, go to Librairie Antoine later and get me a copy of “Adonis Expelled from Yoga” (click on the link for more info).The same methodology applies when you wanna book your return trip.

The success rate of the Uber trick is 74%. The unlucky 26% are doomed when the driver turns out to be the girl’s cousin or brother-in-law who recently lost his job at a job-hiring company and is working now with Uber. Obstacles also arise when there ain’t no Uber black in your area or your phone battery is dead. You’ll be forced to take a taxi-service and share it with five to six other people. Your girlfriend might be forced to sit on an old man’s lap. Just hold her hand tight along the way and tell her that the old man is like her daddy.

Good Luck,

The summer is pretentious. Antonio Red has a small ‘Pecker’

(Excerpts from my next fiction “The Gambler”)

In our village there is this ancient place called “The Mass”. It’s a place where you grow up smelling the scent of thyme, rosemary, and apricot jam. It’s also a place of legends: some are false and some are true. Old Yoakim, “The Gambler” and the bitter storyteller had legends of his own. Most of his legends were frightening as hell. “If you shoot and miss the goddamn wooden pole the Ottoman sunovabitches will devour you boy”. We would all gather at “The Mass” and start shooting with the Gambler’s gun. You had to pay 250 pounds per bullet. I paid 1500. Antonio Red paid only 250. Labib the Thin paid 3250. We all learned later that the Gambler used all this money to plant a dozen of pine trees.

.. teenage summer lovers used to meet under the Pines of Yoakim… Also, when we were kids, Badra, the scout guide of our troop “Flower of the future” (I don’t know how they invented this damn name) would take us behind the pines to piss. She would hold our little stick and adjust it horizontally so that we don’t pee ourselves. She held courteously everybody’s stick, one by one, except that of Antonio Red. Poor Badra. She received a warning from his mom saying that her kid didn’t like when Badra takes him to pee. Antonio’s mother, a mammoth of half a ton had the same red face as her kid. That’s why we called him Antonio Red. I’m sure poor Badra had nightmares that night. In this troop of “Flower of the future” we were divided into subgroups. I was in the “Mountain cedars” division and Melita in the “Rosemary” division. The two divisions only met during those boring games where you had to shout aloud the name of ancient cities or invent a five-minute theatrical play. You were always given the role of a tree or something that does not move or talk…

…I remember that day in September 1989. I do not know why all things that leave a mark happen in September. Great generals and nations fall in September. You meet your new and bored teacher in September. People are born or dead in September. Love also. In September, lame and pretentious summer ends to give way to a less arrogant autumn. I was sitting under the pine tree eating my apricot jam wet sandwich. I was gazing at this giant mountain in front of me. Melita came. I asked her if she wanted a slice of my sandwich. She said she did not want. Then she asked me if I knew what was behind this giant mountain. I told her that maybe there is the sea. They call it the Mediterranean I said. She laughed and I looked at her. She asked me if there were boats in the sea. I told her yes there are many but we cannot go to see them. I told her only adults go to the top of that mountain and contemplate boats. She then asked me if I would take her her to the top of the mountain when we grow up. I promised her we’d go together.

…At that time, everybody was collecting world cup stickers (even Father Jameel). In 1990, it was the world cup in Italy. We used to buy the little cans of Pampa juice that tasted like piss only to collect the stickers attached on them. You had to buy more than fifty cans to get those of great players like Maradona or Jurgen Klinsmann. Stickers of the American Peter Vermes, you could get them very easily (even Father Jameel had five). Anyway, I remember how I had distracted Therese from the grocery so that Antonio Red could fill his bag, his pockets and his underpants with those tiny cans. I swear, he stole twenty fucking cans. There wasn’t any picture of Klinsmann. We got eight stickers of Vermes and other stickers of bench players with funny curly hair…

I hope u r surviving this in the office

I hope u r surviving this in the office

11 fragments of FACEBOOK statuses & photos you never knew about

(not suitable for pseudo-politically-correct people who read self-help books)

After being fired from his job at a “Job Hiring” Company, Nimrud Astirys was contacted by a head-hunter for a very weird and exciting part-time job: Antiquity Social Media Archaeologist. What he found out is mind-blowing (luckily, some “hashtags” were still in a great condition). From Moises, to Alexander and the Titanic, here are the most stirring Facebook fragments:

ONE- Moses updated his status

MOSES — travelling with 600,000 others from EGYPT to ISRAEL #travelling #globetrotter #friends #exodus #promisedland #family #love #adventure #desert #newbeginning

TWO- Hannibal uploaded a new photo

HANNIBAL — CHILLING with , HASDRUBAL and 45,000 others at — THE ALPS #mountains #chillingwithfriends #ihaterome #carthage #phoenicians #punicwar #baal

Photo credits: Archaeometry JournalTHREE- Alexander updated his status

ALEXANDER -feeling GREAT today

FOUR- Moses: 1 new notification

GOD has poked you

FIVE- Jesus’ Friends

JUDAS has unfollowed YOU

SIX- Mahatma Gandhi updated his status

MAHATMA GANDHI is eating — KALE #kale #foodporn #foodie #eatlight #lowcalories #healthy #healthylifestyle #love #peace #india #lowcal #vegan #yoga #broga

SEVEN- Monalisa changed her profile picture photo credits — Tomas Cejka (Pinterest)EIGHT- Ariel Cohen updated his status

ARIEL COHEN has just checked in at — “AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP”

NINE- Rosette Haddad updated her location

ROSETTE HADDAD has moved with JAMIL HADDAD and 3 others to -OTTOMAN EMPIRE

TEN- Joseph the Apostle CALENDAR EVENTS

1 New Event: LAST SUPPER — Five of your friends are going

ELEVEN- Maximus Pontus updated his cover photo

MAXIMUS — Chilling with JULIUS, MINIBUS and 55 others at — MY PALACE #aboutlastnight #tbt #party #partying #love #nofilter #liveloverome #romans

13 fragments of FACEBOOK statuses & photos you never knew about

(not suitable for pseudo-politically-correct people who read self-help books)

After being fired from his job at a “Job Hiring” Company, Nimrud Astirys was contacted by a head-hunter for a very weird and exciting part-time job: Antiquity Social Media Archaeologist. That was certainly the perfect fit career for Nimrud who had a deep nostalgia for antiquity. Excavations were undertaken for more than 15 years. Mostly in the East-Mediterranean area (Also some parts of Europe and Asia). What he found out is mind-blowing (luckily, some “hashtags” were still in a great condition). From Moises, to Alexander and the Titanic, here are the most stirring Facebook fragments:

ONE- Moses updated his status

MOSES — travelling with 600,000 others from EGYPT to ISRAEL #travelling #globetrotter #friends #exodus #promisedland #family #love #adventure #desert #newbeginning

TWO- Hannibal uploaded a new photo

HANNIBAL — CHILLING with , HASDRUBAL and 45,000 others at — THE ALPS #mountains #chillingwithfriends #ihaterome #carthage #phoenicians #punicwar #baal

Photo credits: Archaeometry JournalTHREE- Alexander updated his status

ALEXANDER -feeling GREAT today

FOUR- Moses: 1 new notification

GOD has poked you

FIVE- Jesus’ Friends

JUDAS has unfollowed YOU

SIX- Mahatma Gandhi updated his status

MAHATMA GANDHI is eating — KALE #kale #foodporn #foodie #eatlight #lowcalories #healthy #healthylifestyle #love #peace #india #lowcal #vegan #yoga #broga

SEVEN- Monalisa changed her profile picture photo credits — Tomas Cejka (Pinterest)EIGHT- Ariel Cohen updated his status

ARIEL COHEN at — “AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP”

NINE- Rosette Haddad updated her location

ROSETTE HADDAD has moved with JAMIL HADDAD and 3 others to -OTTOMAN EMPIRE

TEN- Joseph the Apostle CALENDAR EVENTS

1 New Event: LAST SUPPER — Five of your friends are going

ELEVEN- Maximus Pontus updated his cover photo

MAXIMUS — Chilling with JULIUS, MINIBUS and 55 others at — MY PALACE #aboutlastnight #tbt #party #partying #love #nofilter #liveloverome #romans

Nice…

Nice…

I also recommend Nassim Taleb’s “antifragile”

True, honest, natural and biological

True, honest, natural and biological

CHEAP PLACES TO EAT IN LEBANON THIS SUMMER

Kale cannot replace Kebbeh — Your Aunt Thérèse is the last woman standing — Beirut is still a multicultural city — On weddings and fat wives with annoying kids holding Ipads

1– 3AMMTAK THERESE (your Aunt Thérèse)

Located in Ehden, on one of the highest hills in the Lebanese mountains, the house of your aunt Therese is the perfect place for free meals this summer. If you want to eat Kale, this is not the right place to be (Also if you want to eat Kale, please skip the whole article). Your aunt Thérèse is probably one of the few people struggling to preserve the local cuisine culture.

You can even bring your girlfriend Samira. But don’t let Aunt Thérèse see her. (Even if she looks exactly the same like all your exes). Tell Samira to hide in the cherry tree and ask your little cousin Toni to deliver her food. Also, tell him to keep his mouth shut or you’ll beat him up.

Cuisine: fish on Fridays; Kebbeh bl Sayniyeh on Saturdays; BBQ on Sundays with raw meat, raw kebbeh, kebbeh 2rass.

How to get there? It is advisable to walk and avoid traffic.

Walking time: 1 day

2- CRASH A WEDDING IN ‘TERRE & CIEL’

Dress code:

- If it’s a hit-and-run technique, dress casually. Nobody will notice.

- If you want to take your time savoring food, dress elegantly to alleviate suspicion. Interact with people, especially bankers (they will not listen anyway) and talk about your next trip to Mykonos or Thailand (they all go to the same place). Anyway nobody will notice you because usually all guys there dress the same and keep their raybans after the sunset.

Timing:

- Get there immediately after the ceremony and before the dinner. Otherwise you will end up with no food. Statistics show that 40% of food disappears in the first 10 minutes following the ceremony. The remaining 60% is consumed in the next 60 minutes. (15% by the same guy with his fat wife and annoying kids with spiky hair and Ipads)

When “On va s’aimer” song starts playing, excuse yourself and leave unless you want to start a massacre.

Remark: always use the backdoor. In case it is locked you have no other choice but going through the main gate. The lady at the reception (who will most likely look like your girlfriend Samira) will ask you for your name. If Elie Khoury does not work, try Georges Haddad. If this also does not work just ignore the lady and walk in slowly. If she protests, tell her calmly to f*** off and keep walking.

How to get there? I don’t know, check Google maps, but go walking.

3- DEIR MAR YOUSSEF (SAINT JOSEPH CONVENT)

If you do not feel like walking 22 hours to reach your Aunt Therese’s place, we have found an alternative for you: Deir Mar Yousif. The convent serves free food 24/7. Do not abuse. Do not go there every day unless you are planning to be the next pope.

You may also try to be polite. This means shut your mouth during lunch or dinner time and avoid bullshit talking. People from all backgrounds and religions are admitted. The only people who are not allowed in are Paulo Coelho readers, Bourgeois-Bohemians, and people who voted for the same persons during the last elections then complained on social-media (d***-su***)

4- 3ID EL SAYDEH (ASSUMPTION FEAST)

Pros: there is a big chance that this is happening in your neighborhood

Cons: it only occurs one time in the summer on the evening of August 14th.

It is advisable to celebrate in one of the hundred Lebanese villages rather than in a coastal city. Villages have (most of them, but not so sure for how long) preserved some of the Levantine aspects and traditions of the country.

In coastal cities, not only the ceremony will be overcrowded but also, you might end up listening to the same song about the Army performed by someone most likely called Jalal (who himself is a refugee…)

5- BARBAR

Located in Hamra, Brabar is one of the places that truly gather Lebanese people from all classes and religions. Unless you are very stupid, you will never talk politics or geopolitics when you smell Barbar’s sandwiches. Barbar’s prices are fortunately not adjusted to inflation which has picked up mainly due to nouveaux-riches interventionistas (A weird brand of Marxism mixed with Capitalism and Champagne Socialism). A random sample of 1000 persons, who had food poison, shows that 85% of them got poisoned after having eaten at pseudo-five-star restaurants. (Barbar is one of the few places that kept Adonis in his country, please check this link to know more https://www.facebook.com/adonischasseduyoga/

The below illustration speaks about Barbar

Illustration by Jad Abdallah

Thanks Michael.

Thanks Michael. These are excerpts from my book “Adonis expelled from Yoga”. Adonis has lost connection with his roots due to the deterioration of culture in the society he lives in. So he struggles to find a purpose in the s0-materialistic society and has some nostalgia for ancient civilizations …