Jad Abdallah's Blog, page 4

The Pros & Pros of Dictatorships

(excerpts from ‘Adonis Expelled from Yoga’)

French cookies in the office — Oil & war in Iraq from a T.V perspective— The kind dictator—The homogenization of quote loving & well-being — The lame jokes of your general manager

The day at the office started horribly. It was raining outside. It was even worse inside. Adonis’ colleague was drinking her coffee vehemently and grinding cookies like a ruminant animal chewing herb. She was coldly citing the advantages of the French cookies compared to other sweets. The small cards she hung behind her desk were a source of torment for Adonis. Those were cards with some lame and stupid quotes like “love is the key to success” and “smile at life.” Adonis pictured himself as a dictator. He would ban these ruminant noises and lock such people up. He would also impose fines on useless morning discussions that made no sense. He will distribute the revenues to creative people who enjoyed the morning silence. Such people would have quiet children who will not talk bullshit to fill the void around them when they grow up. They would probably not buy books titled “How to reach your goals” or “The eight habits of ambitious people” or even worse “The lessons of a vegetarian yogi.”

Time went by very slowly. Adonis looked at his watch every five minutes. His watch always showed 10 AM. Yet, this was a well-functioning Casio. He pretended to work but his thoughts were elsewhere. In his head, he sang the song that was playing this morning on his neighbor Bechara’s radio. He thought about the bookstore girl. He wondered where she was right now. She could be on the bus or still in bed under her covers that smelled like tobacco, jasmine and a French shower gel. She was probably wearing the pink silk panties that she bought one Saturday afternoon in early summer when she was feeling lonely and careless.

Adonis’ colleague interrupted his thoughts with a cold and irritating voice, like the voice of the McDonald’s drive-thru machine.

- I’ve been waiting for Mr. Rizkallah’s file since yesterday.

- Be patient. Have a fruit juice or somethin’. It will be ready tomorrow. I am finishing up Jamil Zarif’s file.

In fact, Adonis had been working on this file for a month but hadn’t opened it for the past week. Still, Mr. Nkoula liked him and gave him a two percent raise.

- You’re wasting my time. Give me that file as soon as possible; otherwise, the general manager will be upset. I have career projects. I smile at life! Your nonchalance will cause me some serious problems and ruin my reputation.

When she said “I smile at life,” Adonis was troubled. His nervous system most likely failed to analyze this phrase. “Why did this bitch have to utter all these words?” he wondered. Then, he calmly opened the window to his right and threw the documents out, one by one. He did that coldly while looking at the sky and the diverse buildings behind the flying sheets. The day ended at the office of the general manager. The man started the conversation with a quote probably by Georges W. Bush or Jacques Chirac. Mr. Nkoula had come along Adonis but he remained silent all the time.

- Adonis, our firm is a large family striving on respect and solidarity and one that has a social objective and well-defined values, concluded the general manager.

The young man recalled he had heard that exact same speech yesterday on TV. The director of a powerful British oil group was launching some exploration operations in Iraq. This is definitely one of the outcomes of the war launched against the people who lived peacefully between the Tigris and the Euphrates.

Adonis decided not to speak for himself. He thought that justifying one’s actions was useless. He wondered if the general manager always memorized speeches like the speech of the Oil God. Did this asshole know that the museums of Mesopotamia were torched and that some precious art works were on their way to London, Switzerland and some rich Arab capitals? Of course not Adonis thought. Had he known that, the manager would have warned Adonis’ colleague and banned her from eating cookies. However, he opted for giving a first warning to Adonis. He also deducted five days of pay from his salary. Adonis responded with a head nod. He left the office of the general manager calmly along with Mr. Nkoula who seemed sad. When he went back into his office, all his colleagues eyed him in a funny and strange manner. Everything was similar in this place, even people’s looks he thought. He went out on the balcony of the tenth floor and lit himself a cigarette. Mrs. Oum Chayban brought him a cup of coffee with a smile.

- She’s a shlekké. Everyone knows she provides private favors to the general manager, the old lady said.

Adonis never really liked the general manager who always made some loud, old-fashioned jokes. He then waited for his employees’ positive feedback like Kim Jong-un but with much less charisma and authenticity. He was so devoid of ethics that he fired his previous secretary, Marie. She was pregnant at the time. He told her that a machine could easily perform her tasks at a lower cost. But the truth is, Marie was replaced by a young, “devoted” girl, with big boobs. To partially mask his stratagem, the general manager purchased a Japanese copying machine. He convinced the others that the machine and the new secretary cost the firm less than Marie’s salary.

(excerpts from my first fiction “Adonis Expelled from Yoga) to be soon published

https://www.facebook.com/adonischasseduyoga/

Dear Michael, it will be on your own risk..

Dear Michael, it will be on your own risk..

statistics show that most of lions dont fall into this trap (we call is bear-trap).. usually their recorded reactions are “hey pal you think I am a bear?!”, then they eat the prey

beautiful

beautiful

10 WAYS TO WIN A FIGHT AGAINST A LION -touristifaction of minds in modern society-

While millions of people are preparing to go on holidays this summer to post photos on social media, I thought about those who do not want to get eaten by wild animals. In this article I focus on Lions. Sorry if my article came a bit late (I know that some backpackers are already in savannas.) I was trying to deliver my study in May but researching such a subject was not an easy task (I haven’t found any serious and constructive studies about the subject) especially that many documents date back to Greek and Phoenician eras and are in drastic physical conditions (moisture, missing pieces, etc). Although I am allergic to self-help books and manuals that start with “10 ways to” or “how to”, I am confident that my article will save lives.

1- PROCRASTINATE

Tell the Lion that you have no time to fight today. Do not let him decide on the next date. Be the master of negotiations. Tell him you are busy this week and that you will get back to him later with an answer. Once the negotiations are concluded, disappear.

The Romans worshiped someone who delayed fighting: Fabius Maximus also known as Cunctator or the Procrastinator. He drove Hannibal of Carthage (who had clearly a military superiority) crazy by avoiding and delaying engagement.

2- BE YOU

Your first reaction was: no way! Especially in modern times. Anyway, this reaction will not help you when you face a hungry Lion. Concentrate, control yourself, and just be you. A lion was not appointed King by coincidence. Lions have people skills and know if you are acting fake. Once they feel that you are natural, they might respect this and leave you alone.

3- TELL HIM YOU ALREADY KILLED LIONS BEFORE

He might freak out and change his mind. Even if you are the best sales guy, convincing him with words may not be enough. Prepare photos of you stepping on a Lion’s head. This can be done in minutes on Photoshop. Just consult one of the million girls on Instagram or Facebook and they will assist in Photoshop editing. Always have these photos with you.

4- LAKE FIGHT

Always have a strategic approach. Choose a deep lake. Lions are not great swimmers. Strategically, you will have a greater advantage. Once you feel that he is exhausted start punching him on his face.

5- ACT WEIRD

You might look like a clown or a comedian. But who cares. Animals are not judgmental. Anyway, your goal is to survive, not to listen to what others say. Doing weird stuff is one of the most efficient tools (except if you sing Despacito in front of him, he’ll eat you and share the meal with his pals). Thus, try to perform a dance, or make weird noises. Laugh out loud for no reason. The lion will think that you are preparing for something, or that something weird is going on. He will walk away slowly.

Hannibal’s most famous trick was the one he used in Campania to get his army out of a trap. It was a weird trick. His army was in a valley locked in by mountains and Fabius’s army was all around him. There was only one way out: a pass through the mountains; and it was heavily guarded by Roman troops. What did Hannibal figure out? Along a path that ran parallel to the mountain road he stampeded a herd of cattle at night with flaming torches on their horns. The guards, thinking the cattle were Hannibal’s soldiers, rushed to confront them, abandoning their positions on the mountain. While they were dealing with the animals, Hannibal quickly sent his army through the pass and got free.

6- INVITE HIM FOR DINNER

Tell him that you wish to have the last supper with him. Just invent any reason. Say for example that you come from a certain ancient Eastern minority (Maronite, Assyrian, Yazidi, etc) and that it is a tradition for one to have the last supper with his killer. Bring a gazelle, cook it then poison it. Be careful; do not use made-in-china products as this might not work well.

7- WEAR AN ELEPHANT COSTUME

The only other wild animal lions really fear is the elephant. Elephant costumes are usually tailor-made (again be careful, no made-in-China products). However, be cautious. Do not act arrogantly once you feel superior as an elephant. Remember, you goal is to survive and not to provoke the lion further. Just wear the goddamn costume and act like eating herbs or something.

8- TAKE A GROUP SELFIE ON SNAPCHAT AND ADD FILTERS

Ask him politely for a selfie. Once you take the photo, add those weird filters. It is preferable to add a ‘dog’ filter to your face and a ‘flowers’ filter to his head covering his mane. He will feel stupid and pathetic. This will demoralize him.

9 — SHOW HIM A PHOTO OF PRE- AND POST-WAR BEIRUT

When he sees how its authentic architecture was massacred by interventionistas and nouveaux-riches real-estate tycoons, the lion will kill himself.

10 — RUN AWAY

(If you are still alive, follow me)

The Tweets of ALEXANDER THE GREAT or Christian Jihadists on Instagram

It was a very ordinary day of May 332 B.C. Amnanu was awoken, like every morning, by the noise of the giant city doors of Nineveh opening for the merchants. He barely had time to drink the espresso his wife Istar made for him. Amnanu’s WIFI connection was down. He connected to his wife’s hotspot to read the latest news and check the recent tweets of people he follows. The recent tweets of Alexander the Great were shocking. The Macedonian commander was proudly tweeting about his military campaign achievements in the East-Mediterranean lands. It was normal for Alexander to have more than 350,000 retweets (if you count the number of Greek citizens, Macedonian soldiers and supporters in Egypt, Phoenicia and Assyria). Some of his soldiers did not hesitate to tweet photos of burned houses and massacred Phoenician citizens.

“Did you see that? “Phoenician Tyr has fallen” tweeted Alexander! Shall I retweet this? I never liked Phoenicians!”

“I don’t know.” Answered his wife indifferently while tweeting a selfie. She was dressed in her new ostrich-feather attire.

“This world has become crazy! I wish we lived in Homer days.” Istar clearly gave no shit about Amnanu’s words. She seemed busy adjusting her lips for the perfect selfie. She did not care about what her cynical husband was uttering.

“Amnanu! For Baal’s sake! Stop jumping to conclusions!” murmured his wife. “The world has always been the same” Added Istar.

Political and economic situations have pushed Amnanu and his family to migrate north to Anatolia. Amnanu was seeking a brighter future there. They first rented a small flat on Airbnb in Cappadocia before moving to Smyrna where they finally settled in 318 B.C. Amnanu would thank the Gods (mainly Aphrodite) every morning for his wealth was multiplying throughout the years (his wifi connection was also 3 times faster). Amnanu Textiles Corp. prospered for the next three centuries under the management of Amnanu’s sharp and clever descendants. Unfortunately, when the Romans occupied Anatolia in the 1st century B.C, Ablerus had to move the family’s textile empire south to Assyria where trade was flourishing at a faster pace. Believe it or not, Amnanu Textile Corp. stood and prospered for the 1100 years that followed.

However, a new type of enemy was at the doors of the East Mediterranean with the coming of the second Millenia: the crusaders. The crusades are often pictured as a series of bloodthirsty religious wars comparable to modern-day jihad terrorism. It has been said that when the crusaders captured Jerusalem in 1099 they massacred every man, woman, and child in the city until the streets ran ankle deep with the blood. It is also reported that, in Assyria — Al Maara town — (where Amnanu Textiles Corp. prospered for 1100 years), some crusaders began to cannibalize the civilians, boiling and grilling the dead bodies before devouring them. Crusaders were armed with huge swords and Instagram accounts, posting heartlessly horrible war photos and sharing them on Facebook.

(By the way, Al Maara was the town of the famous blind poet and philosopher Abu Ala Al-Maari. It is interesting to note that Al Maari had only 230 followers on Instagram, whereas his neighbor, the hot and curvy 18-year old Yasmina had more than 3400 followers. This is absolutely logical and understandable. Al Maari is famous for his quote: If one asks me, what is my doctrine, It is clear: Am I not, like others, An imbecile?)

Suleiman (the descendant of Amnanu and Ablerus) had to migrate again with his family to Nineveh. Hopefully, he can re-build again his textile empire that was destroyed by the crusaders. He had to pay five pieces of gold to a Persian merchant who will transport Suleiman and his family to Nineveh. The voyage should take around one month. Sitting in the carriage, Suleiman would spend his time reading online newspapers and articles to get the latest news updates (except for 4 days when the carriage crossed the desert and 3G was down). News made headlines such as “Cannibal crusaders attacking”. Suleiman, the sharp businessman who has traded for more than 40 years with people from different cultures and religions would not jump to conclusions like some of his friends. He used to get furious when some of them argued that cannibalism is associated with Christianity. Anyway, Suleiman was sick of the era he lived in. He had nostalgia for ancient eras, probably the periods of the Roman civilization.

Today, nothing has really changed. Amnanu Junior (his father Kamal had clearly a strong nostalgia for ancient days, hence his son’s name) was happily sipping his espresso in a small café in Beirut and contemplating the Mediterranean. The war in Syria made the headlines. Amnanu Jr. who had a passion for poetry was about to throw up when he read that jihadists in Syria beheaded the statue of the famous poet Abu Ala Al Maari. The news on the second page was not less horrible. Troops, militias and jihadists were fighting around “Krak des chevaliers” (One of the most admirable and best preserved crusade castles in the world). The castle was built by the crusaders in the same area and around the same period of Al-Maara massacres 1000 years ago. Drone footage clearly showed the significant damage made to the castle. Same as with cannibalism and Christianity 1000 years ago, some news headlines associate Islam with terrorism. News also makes people feel less secure. Amnanu’s state of mind in 332 B.C is not different from that of Ablerus in 50 B.C, that of Suleiman in 1100 A.D or that of Amnanu Jr. in 2015.

Had social media really existed in 320 B.C wouldn’t have Amnanu Sr. felt more cynical and paranoid, more prone to jump to conclusions? In other words, had social media not existed today, wouldn’t have Amnanu Jr. felt less cynical, less prone to jump to conclusions? It is clear that newspapers and social media facilitate the process of jumping to conclusions…

Clearly, one should not jump directly to conclusions and if possible stop reading newspapers or share horrible videos. This is what Amnanu Jr. decided to do. He unfollowed Catherina Lavinia on Instagram and threw away the newspaper. Had he decided to keep on reading bullshit articles in the newspaper, he would have felt more miserable as it is hard for human beings to avoid jumping directly to conclusions. His trick worked and his days got brighter.

Human beings psychology (doubt, fear, judgement) and biology (Yasmina or Catherina Lavinia boobs bring more followers) have not changed. What has changed is the delivery method of the same type of news. You have the choice of unfollowing Ms. Lavinia, like our friend Amnanu Jr. did and use your own tricks to stop reading/believing all what the media circulates or at least re-adapt and re-adjust your judgement. By the way I sill haven’t unfollowed Catherina Lavinia but will make an effort to do it now…

On “Jumping to conclusions” (Daniel Kahneman — Thinking fast and Slow)

“What do the three exhibits in figure 6 have in common? The answer is that all are ambiguous. You almost certainly read the display on the left as A B C and the one on the right as 12 13 14, but the middle items in both displays are identical. You could just as well have read them as A 13 C or 12 B 14, but you did not. Why not? The same shape is read as a letter in a context of letters and as a number in a context of numbers. The entire context helps determine the interpretation of each element. The shape is ambiguous, but you jump to a conclusion about its identity and do not become aware of the ambiguity that was resolved.

As for Ann, you probably imagined a woman with money on her mind, walking toward a building with tellers and secure vaults. But this plausible interpretation is not the only possible one; the sentence is ambiguous. If an earlier sentence had been “They were floating gently down the river,” you would have imagined an altogether different scene. When you have just been thinking of a river, the word bank is not associated with money.”