Iris Ruth Pastor's Blog, page 5

I Am So Annoying

I am so annoying. If I had a friend like me, I think I would ghost her.
 
Here’s why: 
I constantly interrupt people
AND 
when someone tells me a story, I one-up-them. 
 
Do you know what THE WORST THING is?
 
I don’t even realize I am doing it!!!!!
 
Thank goodness for my little sister – whom I can count on to point out my less than stellar qualities. As I age, she is pointing out my flaws with a consistency and rapidity I didn’t think possible. She is keeping me in line, as my ability to filter seems to be less than it used to be.
 
So, since the New Year has arrived, my mindset is riddled through with big plans for a brand new ME.I will listen with an open mind and a closed mouth no matter how much I am tempted to sputter forth with my “wisdom.”I will willfully resist the temptation to share my similar  experience with the speaker, even if my motive is not to boast or outdo someone else’s experience.  
I’ve always felt that my one-upmanship is my way of inching closer to a person, letting them know they are not alone – that I can relate to what they are saying. 
 
The problem is that half the time I don’t even wait until the person is done speaking to interrupt and respond. I just speak over them in a louder voice.
 
For instance, here is an interaction I recently had with a buddy:
“You had one root canal!” I retorted to my friend. “Whoa, I had a root canal, a massive infection invading my system and an extraction – all in one day. You got off easy!”
 
A little lacking in compassion, would you say? My reply lacked support and awareness of her suffering with a dental issue. 
 
Here’s one more example of my great conversational skills:
“So, Joanie, your daughter is two weeks late delivering her baby? 
That’s nothing – my first kid was three weeks late and even then I had to be induced. Relax.” 
 
A little lacking in compassion, would you say? My reply gave no recognition of the difficulty of being overdue to deliver nor did I give any thought to how I could help my friend cope with a situation she couldn’t control.
 
My lack of empathy is a difficult revelation to wrap my arms around. I never thought of myself as competitive or boastful in interactions with others, but who knows? Rather, I always preferred to consider myself one who entertains, is self-deprecating and makes people laugh. Wow – I guess I have to re-think that one too.

I’m sharing not because I feel my life is so much more interesting. I’m sharing not because I feel I can present a similar situation in a more entertaining manner. 

I’m doing it so that the person I’m speaking with will feel less alone. It’s my way of letting them know that their experience is something I can understand and relate to. 


I have a lot of work to do. 
I have spent too much time being myself and not enough time improving myself. 
I have spent too much time speaking and too little time listening.
 
In the meantime, in 2025, I wish for you all:
Good health
Meaningful conversations with those you hold dear
A good night’s sleep
Synchronicity and harmony
And embracing the mindset that life need not be that hard
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

Finding the Perfect Phrase for Year’s End

It’s that time – time to write my yearly newsletter ushering in the New Year. 
 
This year, I wanted to find something that would snap synapses, engender good spirits and be truly inspirational. I was looking for a phrase in which to ground my column – a phrase that would realistically mirror my naturally optimistic mind set, while recognizing the challenges and hurdles we face, at present, both here in the United States and worldwide. 
 
And I found it.
Hope no matter how complex
 
You may notice the small TM beside it. That’s because this phrase is not original; it is trademarked. And it stems from the website of a non-profit organization, the TSC Alliance, that deals with a health issue called Tubular Sclerosis Complex (TSC)
 
There is no cure for TSC. The management of TSC focuses on the treatment of the symptoms and their complications.  
 
People who suffer from TSC live under a shadow of uncertainty and fear – never knowing when a manifestation of the complex will suddenly appear. 
 
Quite simply, TSC is a genetic disorder. Often discovered in utero, it is characterized by the growth of benign tumors in various organs, including the brain, kidneys, skin, heart and lungs. Caused by either a rogue mutation or an inherited proclivity, the life span of these individuals is usually normal. However, about 90% of the population living with TSC have seizures – varying in intensity and frequency – which need to be properly managed – along with degrees of possible cognitive impairment and dermatological issues. Ongoing research, raising awareness, proper management of the complex and early intervention all help families and individuals manage care and cope with their individual health concerns. 
 
The presence of TSC engenders many emotions: 
Fear of the unknown
Uncertainly about the future
Confusion/exhaustion
Lack of a clear way forward
 
Sound familiar? These feelings are not unlike what many of us as citizens of the United States feel every day too.
 
But even when circumstances appear threatening to our well-being, we can persevere by clinging to the belief that we have the strength to power through.
 
That’s what hope is: resilience under adverse circumstances.
 
And what does the word complex call to mind? Complex refers to something that is made up of multiple interconnected parts – something that is complicated – something without clear answers or a delineated path to solutions.
 
Hope no matter how complex
 
The TSC alliance, like other disease-oriented organizations, brings those afflicted and their families together. It’s harnessing the power of community when faced with intricate challenges. Together, under one umbrella organization, personal growth can flourish and understanding, inner strength and fortitude can emerge 
 
What does the TSC Alliance do that we can mirror? 
They advocate
They donate 
They research
They educate
They raise awareness
 
They gather together 
They share their stories of struggle
They create a future where everyone can live their fullest lives 
 
And they get up each day and begin anew 
 
Let’s embrace that mindset going forward in the New Year of 2025.
We’ll need it.
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

P.S. I am embarking on a new adventure in 2025:  I am up-cycling garments for re-sale and I am looking for someone who sews and has a keen eye for design and embellishments. 

If you know someone who fits that description, I’d so appreciate your reaching out to them for me. I can be contacted at funkycreations47@gmail.com.

Thank you so very much.

The only caveat? They need to live in easy driving distance to South Tampa.

Thank you!

Part 2 of my Holiday Letter to my Grand Kids

Dear Sophie, Benjy, Charlie, Bobbie, Lucy, Levi, Remi and Zoe,

It is now December, 2024.

By the way you measure time, I’m sure you are thinking I am ancient – since I am 77 years old. You may be wondering why I am still putting myself out there – pushing limits and boundaries? That is because I am still consciously trying to lead the best and most interesting life I can.

The following is very important to me and what I want to pass on to all eight of you:

You have been born into a remarkable family on all sides and you have been fortunate to be given an opportunity for an excellent education and given caring and loving parents. 

And because you have been given so much, certain things are expected. And one of them is that you take good care ofyourself. That you do good things for yourself. That you treat yourself with the same kindness and consideration with which you treat your friends and, hopefully, your family members.

What have I accomplished?

At age 22, I gave birth to my first-born son Harry. As you can see from the picture, I was a very “sophisticated” young mother. 

I ended up raising five “very fine sons” – who were the model of decorum.

Oh yes, and before I had kids, I married a fine man the first time and my soul mate the second.

We had known each other since grade school. (The circled faces are your grandfather and me.)

I’ve been writing a weekly column since Uncle Louie (Daddy to some) was three years-old.

I started a parenting magazine called Cincinnati Kids.

I was a host of my own weekly radio show for two years called “Sunday Night With Iris” and your grandfather introduced me each time I went on air.

I have written two books.

I am a motivational speaker. 

I am a creator of many hand-knitted items. 

And I design and market vintage jean jackets.

Why am I laying out what I did with my life for you to read? Because I want you see that a personally handcrafted life based on following your own path is achievable. I did it and you can do it too.

Yes, at times it is exhausting.

Yes, at times it is overwhelming.

Yes, at times it is very discouraging.

Has it been worth it? Absolutely!

Have l leaned perseverance even when things are difficult and take a long time? Yes!

And what did I learn from the most? My successes or my failures?

Definitely my failures. I learned different ways not to do something which helped me figure out how to do something. 

The famous poet Mary Oliver asks a very important question in her poem “The Summer Day.” I’d like to conclude with asking each of you that same question: 

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
 
You’ve got lots of time to figure it out, but please don’t waste it. Go for the gusto. You will never be sorry.

And know that your loving, crazy, eclectic family will always be there to be “the wind beneath your sails”.

I love you all,

Nana

Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

A Keepsake for my Grandkids

I do a lot of reading about the fine art of grandparenting. Even so, I always seem to run short of the ideal matriarch. 
 
I love when experts urge us to give voice to sharing our past struggles and challenges with our grandkids so they will know that difficulties are surmountable.
 
I find this hard. When we are together, we are all on our phones too much –  or heedlessly running from one planned activity to the next – often embroiled in our own reality. 
 
In an effort to afford my grandkids the opportunity to know my truth – to read of my journey – I decided to compose a booklet for each of my eight grandkids as a holiday gift and keepsake – hoping it would introduce them to my struggles, my triumphs and the wisdom I have gained in the last 77 years. 
 
Here is an excerpt:
 
Dear Sophie, Benjy, Charlie, Bobbie, Lucy, Levi, Remi and Zoe,
 
Did you ever think about trying something new? Something that scared the heck out of you?
 
I did and I want to share that experience with you.
 
Years ago, when we hit hard financial times, I went to work to supplement our income. I chose to sell insurance, AFLAC, to be precise. After passing the test to become certified to sell insurance, I then had to learn the products. I also had to  figure out how to find the right person in each company to pitch to and then convince them to let me present Aflac benefits to their workers. The next step was learning how to make presentations to the employees and learning how to use a computer to sign them up for the benefits. (Remember, this was 24 years ago.)
 
I absolutely hated it so much. Suddenly I was making friends and connections, not because of the joy of it – but to sell friends and their connections a product.
 
So what happened? I buckled down because I had to. I studied how the top salespeople overcame objections and were able to get into businesses to pitch ALFAC products. I then, with a pit in my tummy and a heart beating wildly, approached a fairly new friend who was CFO of a huge paper making company. I was still at the point that I didn’t quite understand thoroughly the products I was selling – which added to my stressed-out mindset.
 
My friend actually got the permission needed for me and a team of AFLAC agents to enter the factory, hold meetings with the employees and educate them on the benefits of AFLAC products.
My team and I sold so much insurance to this one company in three days that I became AFLAC Rookie of the Year for the State of Ohio. It was a big deal. It meant I sold the most insurance of any new AFLAC agent in Ohio for that time period. 
 
But I still hated it.
 
So what did I do? I begged my district manager to convince the big guys in Columbus, Georgia (where AFLAC had their headquarters) that my highest and best use was to travel around the country teaching other AFLAC insurance agents how to cold call and sell. (Unbeknownst to me at the time, this was actually the start of what would be a very long and lasting motivational speaking career for me.)
 
I didn’t hate it as much after that. But, when out of the blue, I was offered a dream position as the editor of the Jewish newspaper in Cincinnati, I grabbed it.  


What had I learned? Selling was the hardest experience of my life. 
 
What stayed with me long after I stopped working for AFLAC, though, was the self-confidence and empowerment I gained from doing something so challenging and doing it well.
 
That experience literally gave me proof that I could do anything I put my mind to. And that feeling has never left me – even when the going gets tough. (And in our family, my dear grandkids, when the going gets tough, we get going.)
 
There’s not a wimp among us.
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

I am Internally Emigrating

I realize that some of my readers have views in contrast to mine. In all due respect, I submit the following:
 
I am not proud to say this, but ever since the election I have stopped watching the news. I am concentrating on cleaning closets, rigidly following my to-do list and nesting with great intensity. While driving, I have switched from NPR to classical music. And at home, I rely on Pandora from my phone as background noise, not the 24hour news stations normally providing backdrop.
 
I know there is a danger in this break-up, but I need a pause. There is a term for this turning inward: internal emigration. Instead of dealing with political reality, I am directing my attention elsewhere – into such things as self-improvement and home enhancement. My Amazon orders of candles has increased exponentially, as has my visiting the nearby plant shop to purchase an overabundance of philodendron – the one plant I don’t seem to kill.
 
I feel guilty, about my withdrawal, of course, and suppose one day I will return to avidly following politics and presidential activities. And when I do, I have promised myself to be more aware of innate biases that can impact my judgments and interactions with the world. 
 
There are many. Here are a few: 
 
Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret and remember information in a way that confirms with one’s existing beliefs. In politics, a person who strongly supports a particular political party may predominantly watch news channels or follow social media accounts that align with their views, while regarding opposing viewpoints with skepticism, thus reinforcing their existing beliefs.
 
Bandwagon effect bias is the tendency for people to adopt a particular belief or behavior because they perceive that many others are doing the same – reflecting a desire to conform. In politics, when polling data shows a particular candidate leading significantly, many voters may begin to support that candidate simply because they perceive them as the likely winner and they want to align themselves with a successful campaign.
 
Ingroup bias is the tendency to favor the members of one’s own group over those in other groups. In politics, one would support policies that align with their own political party, even in the face of contradictory evidence, and to criticize the opposing party more harshly than their own.
 
Optimism bias is the tendency of individuals or groups to believe that future events will turn out better than they realistically might. An example would be a political candidate who promises significant economic growth and job creation, but who does not adequately address potential obstacles and challenges. 
 
Anchoring effect bias is the tendency to rely heavily on the first piece of information encountered on a particular topic when making decisions even if that information is misleading or irrelevant.
 
These biases also play out socially too. So, if you are also doing a deep dive into isolation after the election, be aware of these too when you decide to re-surface.
 
Confirmation bias in a social context: An example would be a person looking to the news media or social media to support his belief that a vegan diet is the healthiest way to eat. That may result in that person ignoring or dismissing any research or personal accounts suggesting the potential downsides of a strict vegan diet.
 
Ingroup bias in a social context: Best observed in sports fandom. Fans exhibit strong loyalty and support for their team and readily accept negative comments about the opposing team. (OMG! In my family the OSU-Michigan rivalry fits the bill perfectly – GO BUCKS!!!!) 
 
Bandwagon bias in a social context would be adopting a particular style or brand of an item based on perceived popularity rather than personal choice, reflecting a desire to confirm. Think of your choice of sneakers. I got hooked on Hoka that way.
 
Optimism bias in a social context may be the tendency to expect things like planning a wedding to turn out well – leading to less preparation and attention to detail and therefore not having as seamless as an outcome.
 
Anchoring effect bias in a social context can occur when a group of friends are discussing where to go out for dinner. One friend suggests a highend restaurant that has a reputation for being expensive. This initial suggestion serves as an anchor for the group’s thinking. If another friend proposes a more moderately priced restaurant, the group may perceive it as more reasonable even if the moderately priced restaurant is still above their usual budget. 
 
Time to go listen to Bach and water my plethora of philodendron. 
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom, 

PS This is my first rodeo with using AI (Artificial Intelligence) for definitions and examples. And I must say, IT’S AWESOME!

A Tsunami of Nostalgia

Thanksgiving was my Mom’s holiday. Not only did she host it for years, but anyone she knew who didn’t have a place to go, knew they had a welcome seat at her and my Dad’s Thanksgiving table. So it’s not surprising I am waxing nostalgic this week and to counteract my churning feelings, I hunted up some of her poems. (Like mother, like daughter.)
 

 
Little Joe
It was a difficult birth on this cold, wintery night
Prayers were answered when all went right
At last, a dark haired, beautiful baby boy
They named him Joseph, this long-awaited bundle of joy
Oh how complete their young lives seemed
Happier than they ever dreamed
His life span wasn’t long
Six days later he was gone
Not a day goes by that I don’t mourn
For my brother, who died before I was born.
(My mother always intensely hated being an only child. Perhaps this is why.)
 
Counting My Blessings
For us it was love at first sight
That long ago, cool summer night
The Second World War was raging on
Stars in the window for the boys who were gone
Ration stamps, shortages at home, being sent to our servicemen overseas
Telegraph boys – don’t stop at my house please! 
After years of waiting for the war to cease
My Air Force hero returned to a world at peace
It was a struggle adjusting to domestic life
We were so young to be man and wife
I was 17 and he was 21and I counted my blessing every day
For the past 68 years we shared before he passed away.
 
90 Already
Unable to fly, so I gaze at the sky and the jets from afar,
Thankful I’ve got keys and can still drive my car.
Don’t hear as well as I’d like,
And my legs fold at the thought of a hike.
I remember things I’d sooner forget,
And forget to remember what I came to get.
More time with my kids, this they can’t give
Yet they’re the very reason I want to live.
It’s lonesome here without my mate
And I refuse to question the hands of fate.
When my time is up I’ll be ready to go, 
but while I’m here I want you to know,
“The Greatest Generation” is where I played a part,
An interesting, exciting lifetime from the very start.
I’m told my experiences were unusual – I tend to agree,
But as a kid that didn’t dawn on me. 
I earned every wrinkle and each gray hair,
And at 90 I really don’t care.
To my precious family and very dear friends I have this to say,
Thanks for the ride – it’s been a “trip” all the way.
(Yep, Mom, I get it NOW. I too long for more time with my kids.)
 
In Good Hands
A people watcher at heart am I,
Watching everyone hurrying by.
Here I am in this huge mall,
Remembering when it was very small.
The shops were few, but quite unique,
From modern and clever to old and antique.
It wasn’t as crowded as it is today,
A safe area for the children to play.
 
Nothing is as it used to be.
Well, neither am I, just look at me.
Sitting here like a lump on a log.
I can hardly walk, no less still jog.
 
Our next generation, in plain sight,
Energetic and so very bright.
Contented I’ll be when laid to rest,
That I leave the future to the very best.
In good hands, from what I see today,
To love and protect our U.S.A.

(My mother passed away on her 91st birthday on February 17, 2018, from pancreatic cancer. She was surrounded by her kids.)
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
(I miss you, Mom.)

Advice for living

I was thinking yesterday about what advice for living would I give my eight grandchildren if they asked me when I see them over Thanksgiving.
They probably won’t ask, but just in case this is what I would tell them:
Consciously “handcraft” your own life.

What does that even mean?

A hand-crafted life is a life that is consciously assembled from pieces that you yourself select and put together. It’s self-created. It’s not a life pulled off the rack having been put together by others or unduly influenced by our culture and society. It’s a reminder to chart our own course and then – as I so often say – “Control Your Own Remote.”

The bedrock of my “handcrafted” life is the three-word phrase PRESERVE YOUR BLOOM. What does it mean? It simply means using your talents and resources to be the best version of yourself. Not perfect – because that would be courting disaster, but certainly  good enough.

Here are some things I would implore my grandkids to consider and that will help you do just that too:

·     Approach problem solving creatively. I have a giant fear of disjointed thoughts and typos creeping into my weekly newsletter. After writing it, the more I re-read my column, the more likely my eye reads what is supposed to be there, not what is. I solved this problem by sending my ister, my brother or my husband a copy to look over carefully BEFORE publication. 
 
·     Adjust plans. Roll with the punches. If the way you have always done it doesn’t work, try a new way. If the time that you have always done it, doesn’t work, try a new time. We break down barriers; we don’t resist them.
 
·     View an event as a situation to be managed, not a crisis that will derail you. In my grandchildren’s case, I advise them to break down complex issues into smaller doable steps. Some examples: Studying for your Bar or Bat Mitzvah, getting acclimated to a new situation such as sleep-away camp, and/or applying for college. 
 
·     Collaborate/ask for or accept help. I am good at collaborating and very deficient in asking for or accepting help. My stock reply: “No worries, I’ve got this covered.” Even if I don’t. 
 
Unlike me, I implore you to start early in life to seek help if you need it and accept aid when offered.
 
·     Find every opportunity to laugh with your family and friends. This one is self-explanatory.
 
And then I would remind them that because they have been given so much, certain things are expected of them. One of them is that they take care of themselves.That they do good things for themselves. That they treat themselves with the same kindness and consideration with which they treat their friends and, hopefully, their family members.

Each of us can consciously choose what to do with our own life.
We can achieve our dreams – construct the kind of life we want to lead – buck the system – blaze new trails and fulfill our potential. 
It starts with celebrating our achievements, forgiving our mistakes and embracing our uniqueness. 

It’s about being kind to ourselves in moments of struggle and cheering for ourselves in times of success.

We then can experience exhilaration, joy, and the peace that comes from knowing that we are living our life to the fullest.  And in doing so, we will leave this world a little bit better than it was when we came into it and we will be a happy and satisfied person.

Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

PS Happy Turkey Day – May your heart be as full as your belly! 

Things Change, But Also Remain The Same

I am the first to admit I am no scholar of American History.
 
In 11th grade, when our curriculum dictated we learn about the American Revolution and the Civil War, I was way too busy learning how to pluck my eyebrows, apply mascara and, most of all, attract boys. 
 
It’s only in later years, having acquired knowledge of how to tweeze, having mastered the art of thickening my eye lashes AND how to attract males, did I finally settle down and start learning about the checkered history of our beloved United States of America. 
 
Think this past election was contentious? Think again!
 
It’s 1828 and Andrew Jackson is running against incumbent John Quincy Adams, the son of past president John Adams.  
 
It was a nasty presidential race marked by extreme personal attacks that highlighted their contrasting backgrounds and political ideologies. Mudslinging was rampant. 
 
Jackson’s supporters emphasized his military exploits and his identification with the West and the frontier, characterizing him as the champion of the common man. His supporters accused Adams, a Harvard graduate, of being patrician, elitist, corrupt and too tied in with Eastern backers.
 
Jackson’s supporters attacked Adams for engaging in immoral behavior, including allegations about his past dealings and a supposed “prostitution” scandal related to a servant. Jackson’s campaign used the scandal to portray Adams as morally corrupt and unfit for the presidency. 
 
Adams’ supporters attacked Jackson as an uncouth, unrefined, violent and  dangerous frontier savage whose election would bring the reign of the mob.
 
Jackson’s personal life, including his marriage to Rachel Jackson, was marred by controversy. She had separated from her husband before she met Andrew Jackson. But the divorce was not finalized when she began her relationship with Jackson – leading to accusations that she had committed adultery and that their marriage was illegitimate. 
 
The public scrutiny and personal attacks took a toll on Rachel and exacerbated her health issues. She died shortly before Jackson’s inauguration, leaving Jackson devastated by her passing at age 61.
 
Jackson forced relocation of Native American tribes to land further west – believing that it was essential for America expansion and progress – has had lasting reverberations. Thousands of Native Americans were forcibly removed from their homes. The Trail of Tears refers to one particular march where 15,000 Cherokees trudged 1000 miles under brutal conditions. Four thousand died. Jackson’s ideology underscored the tragic consequences of forced displacement.
 
Today, due to the above, controversy still reigns on why or why not 7thU.S. President Andrew Jackson should be the face on the U.S. $20 bill. Jackson has been featured on the $20 bill since the late 1920s. There have been discussions and proposals to replace his image with that of Harriet Tubman, an abolitionist and political activist, but as of now, Jackson remains on the bill.
 
Andrew Jackson died in 1845, surrounded by many of the household servants he had enslaved. 
 
He told them: “I want all to prepare to meet me in heaven….Christ has no respect to color.”
This was very ironic because his patronage practices contributed greatly to a racially discriminatory enviroment within the federal workforce.
 
The Jackson- Adams nasty election was just one of many nasty occurrences in our presidential history – proving that our democracy is designed to be vastly resilient and able to handle falsehoods and rampant unproductive untruths.

Here are some examples:
 
The election of 1860 (Abraham Lincoln vs. Stephen A. Douglas, John C. Breckinridge, and John Bell) took place amid rising tensions over slavery.
 
The Election of 1884 (Grover Cleveland vs. James G. Blaine) was peppered with brutal personal attacks and vitriolic rhetoric.
 
The election of 1960 (John F. Kennedy vs. Richard Nixon) involved significant issues, such as religion and allegations of communism against both candidates.
 
Things change, but somehow they still seem to remain the same. 
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

History Repeats Itself

The election is over. I have very strong emotions – as many of us do – about the outcome. Too soon to process it all. Maybe in another few weeks…..

For now I’m writing an unrelated column.
 
My mother was an only child. When my parents married, my mom became very close to my dad’s only sister. Her name was Melva – at times dubiously called “Hurricane Melva” because she had a tendency to cause havoc wherever she landed. 
 
Nevertheless, my mother adored her sister-in-law and when my beloved grandmother died when my mom was just 27, my mother took great comfort in the knowledge that my childless aunt and uncle could provide many things a grandparent normally would provide for their grandchildren. And she was right. 
 
When my high school boyfriend broke-up with me our freshman year in college, I was bereft. My parents turned to my aunt and uncle for guidance. They suggested I apply to the University of Florida and assured my parents they would be close enough if I needed anything.
 
I applied. I was accepted and off I went to UF as a sophomore transfer student. 
 
I met a frat boy from the Tampa Bay area and we started dating. Months later, we told our families that when he graduated we wanted to marry.
 
My mother assumed I’d come back to Ohio and get married there – as most brides in the 1960’s married in their hometowns. My aunt disagreed vehemently and insisted the wedding should be in Florida.
 
And that’s when it all went downhill. My mother and my aunt never resolved their differences over the wedding city and bitterness and jealousy reigned supreme between them for the rest of their lives.
 
I did end up marrying my husband in Ohio – but not with a lavish, joyous wedding, but a quick and simple ceremony in the rabbi’s study – leaving shortly thereafter to live in Tampa. My mother never forgave me for either of those events. 
 
My marriage lasted seven years and produced my oldest two sons – Harry and Frank. After an amiable divorce and with my ex-husband’s okay, I then sold our family home, packed up my belongings and relocated back to my hometown. My mother was ecstatic. 
 
My aunt, upon hearing news of my impending move from Tampa back to Cincinnati, played it low-key.
 
“I am sad for me,” she quietly stated, “but this is obviously something you want, so I am happy for you.” 
 
I visited Tampa often in the years following. The first time I visited after relocating, I realized that my aunt’s family room area looked different, but I couldn’t quite figure out why.
 
I asked her.
 
“Oh,” she remarked both carefully and casually, “after you left, I took the table leaves out of the dining table and stored them in the garage. I don’t much need an expanded dining table – not really hosting big family get-togethers anymore.” 
 
I didn’t pursue it.
 
Fast forward to 2021. My parents and my aunt and uncle have passed away. I have since remarried and have had three more sons and – ironically – moved back to the Tampa area. 
 
Like my aunt, I have no daughters, but my sister does and one of them got married and moved to Tampa. 
 
Within just a few weeks of her relocating here, I noticed that every other week or so, I was schlepping the leaves of my dining table in and out of the garage. I decided it was just easier to leave them in place to accommodate the frequent visits from my niece and her husband. It proved to be a very logical move because in no time they had a child. 
 
Unlike my aunt, I am super sensitive to the fact that as much as I adore my niece, she has a mother and I always kept that in mind in my dealings with her.
 
At the same time, having my niece here opened-up a whole new world for me. We visited  local street fairs and she introduced me to restaurants and events I never knew existed, even though I have lived in Tampa for almost 20 years.

2024: I begin to hear some rumblings. I hoped that was all they were. But the rumblings turned to reality when my niece one day told me that she and her family were moving back to the Washington DC area – closer to where she had been raised and closer to her parents.
 
My intense emotions mirrored my aunt’s. 
 
I know now I won’t be seeing my niece’s child on a regular basis. I know now I can take down the crib in the guest room. I know now there will be less frequent visits to Tampa from my sister and brother-in-law. I know now there will be no new sites to explore or projects to work on for my niece and me. 
 
In spite of all that, my words to my niece echoed the ones my aunt had so carefully chosen to say to me so many years ago: “I am sad for me, but this is obviously something you want, so I am happy for you.”
 
And just like my aunt did so long ago, in a few weeks -when another family occupies my niece’s house, when the final goodbyes are said and their heavily loaded car heads north – I, too, will pack away the leaves from my dining room table.
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

PS If you need a break from post election craziness or just want to treat yourself to a heck of a good time, come to my friendship event for a little TLC!

To register:
https://www.jewishtampa.com/bloom

Resilience and Loss

I’ve been thinking lot about the subject of loss lately – all around me there are people I know who have lost their homes due to Florida’s two unwanted visitors: Helene and Milt.

And, of course, the election is just days away. And someone will win and someone will lose – even if the results are contested.

Loss is hard. 

One of my all-time favorite authors, Judith Viorst, wrote extensively on this subject in her book Necessary Losses. She notes that the way we cope with loss defines the way we live because loss is inevitable and essential for us to grow personally and develop fully. 

I embrace that. 

Loss is a part of life – no one escapes it. 

Coming to terms with loss is essential, Viorst points out, as is acknowledging the concurrent grief that accompanies loss and working through that emotional response. And then, though it may seem counter intuitive, loss, Viorst adamantly stresses, actually allows us to be more appreciative for the blessings we do have.

Resilience is the bedrock of our ability to recover and adapt in the face of this adverse condition.

Unsurprisingly, a good sense of humor helps – lightening the mood and providing a different perspective – when immersed in the grieving process of loss.

I can’t count how many times in the last couple of weeks I have repeated silly quips to my friends and relatives who have experienced the wrath of Florida’s back-to-back hurricanes. And every time, I witnessed a smile.

Here’s a few:

Why are resilient people like good coffee? Because they can stand the heat and still come out strong
 
What do you do when life gives you lemons? You make lemonade and then add vodka for good measure. 

What’s the definition of resilience? Hitting the snooze button on life’s challenges and then getting up again like nothing has happened. 

One of the primary reasons resilient people can adapt to changing situations and conditions is that they are flexible in their thinking and outlook and they embrace change. Doing so leads them to being open to new ways of thinking – especially in the face of loss. 

Hillary Clinton, after losing the presidency in 2016 to Donald Trump, is a prime example of this approach – an approach which can lead to innovative solutions for recovery. However, before that sea change, she had a lot to deal with regarding her defeat.

In her book something lost, something gained, she admits to her great anger about how she lost the election.

At an event shortly after the election, a retired senior FBI official came up to her and apologized for how the FBI mishandled the investigation into her e mails and how sorry he was that he hadn‘t stopped Jim Comey, the FBI director, from trashing her in public just days before the election. 

Hillary Clinton stared at him for a minute, trying to contain her anger.

Finally, she said, “I would have been a great president and walked away.

“It wasn’t easy,” she states, “to accept I would never serve as president. But I kept busy, trying new things, cultivating new dreams. I kept going and kept learning and stayed open to new experiences and new ideas.”

And one of her new experiences was becoming a major producer of a show now on Broadway called “Suffs” – a musical focusing on the women’s suffragist movement during the early 20th Century. 

And, not surprisingly, the play echoes the importance of perseverance and resiliency as women from diverse backgrounds and experiences fought valiantly for the right to vote. 

Here’s a bit of the opening song to give you a taste of how uplifting new directions can be:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImFUUwwAeKQ

What can we learn from Clinton’s experience? 

We keep going in spite of the fact that “progress is possible, but not guaranteed.” 

And that’s what it’s all about.

Keep Preserving Your Bloom,