Iris Ruth Pastor's Blog, page 20

My Terror Meter Is Vibrating Like Crazy

My sister and her husband just spent a week with my husband and me at our home. They left yesterday morning. 

Due to her “influence,” my closet is fuller with more stuff that I have few occasions to wear.
My checking account balance is lower due to buying more stuff I have few occasions to wear.
And my weight, when I finally work up the nerve to gingerly step on my digital scale, is showing a steady northward trajectory due to her “influence.” 

Just like we did at the outset of COVID, we also spent hours sitting on the family room couch, eyes glued to the television screen, anxiously awaiting each bit of breaking news on the Ukrainian situation. 

Just like we did at the outset of COVID, we also began realizing that in spite of the crisis, life must go on. I rescheduled my previously cancelled dentist appointment. I took careful inventory of my supply of toilet tissue as news of shortages were beginning to trickle in along with daily updates on the number of new Covid cases state by state. I gradually pulled myself away from watching the 24-hour news cycle and began adjusting to the new reality of mask wearing, curtailed activities and remote living. 

It’s kinda the same now. Except I can’t stop watching TV. I can’t face the fact that our reality is being drastically altered. 
And every day, my terror meter is vibrating like crazy as I watch the carnage and the indiscriminate bombing. It seems to me that the Russians want to kill as many civilians as possible. It is unrelenting. 

It’s March, 2022. Gas prices are climbing precipitously higher daily. Average Ukrainian citizens, who just a few short weeks ago were living normal lives, are now refugees fleeing their bomb wracked neighborhoods – leaving loved ones and belongings behind. Others are choosing to stay and defend their streets, their city, their country, while food shortages prevail and danger lurks around every corner. 

I don’t know what the answer is. 
It’s all so complicated. 

Institute a no-fly zone over Ukraine?
Supply Ukraine with planes?
Continue with harsher economic sanctions against Russia?
Pray Putin will come to his senses and stop the plundering? 

I gleaned a new word from one of my sons this week: SANGUINE. It’s an adjective that means remaining optimistic or positive in the midst of an apparently difficult or bad situation. For example: He is sanguine about prospects for global peace.

I like to think I am sanguine, but as the carnage mounts, the number of casualties climb, and more buildings are bombed, my spirits are sagging.

Yes.
I’m writing my Congress people expressing my views.
I’m donating money to carefully selected organizations providing aid and comfort to the citizens of Ukraine. 
I’m still incessantly watching the news – switching from one station to another at commercial breaks. 
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that world leaders can find a way to stop Putin’s madness without igniting the spark that starts a higher and more deadly escalation of hostilities. 
I’m keeping a close eye on new and dire developments within the Zaporizhzhia nuclear power plant the Russians have seized. 
I’m praying for a return to normalcy for the Ukrainian leaders and their people and I’m praying for world peace and survival for us all.

I’ve said it before. 
I’m saying it again.
Let’s all follow British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill’s advice during the darkest days of the Second World War:
WHEN YOU’RE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING. 

And Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

Iris Ruth Pastor 

This Week’s Newsletter Message Got Up-Ended

I was going to write about what is wrong with me.
Why, at age 74, I’m not quite as motivated to go after new endeavors as I was just a decade ago – such as increasing the number of my Instagram followers and pursuing speaking opportunities now that COVID restrictions are eased. 
 
I was going to write about the very insightful book I read by Arthur Brooks entitled From Strength to Strength.
 
One reviewer wrote that Arthur Brooks is “one of the few intellectuals who can reliably weave scientific research and everyday observations into what we all really need: succinct advice for a good life.” After reading that short review, I couldn’t resist binge reading all 217 pages – eagerly looking forward to penning numerous newsletter posts on the fascinating subject of turning declining cognitive strengths into assets and opportunities as we age. 
 
But then real life got in the way and Putin invaded the Ukraine. 
 
Brooks spends a ton of time citing examples of great innovators making magnificent strides in their fields early in their careers and then unable to duplicate their success as they age – and not for lack of trying. Often these super stars experience, as they age, diminished raw smarts and higher levels of distractibility. Fortunately, many, to compensate, gain wisdom and how to use that wisdom wisely. 
 
I was going to try to tie Brooks’ well substantiated observations to the hideous situation in the Ukraine. However, my computer keyboard does not readily pound out political pontifications. And my comfort zone is writing about what I know, not what I don’t know. And I don’t know governmental policies, geographical boundaries and European history. 
 
In high school, when I should have been learning about the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962, I was focused on wearing down my mother so that she would finally allow me to shave my very hairy legs – in order to be more alluring to Richard Newhauser – who sat next to me in Algebra 1 class. 
 
And then there was the Fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989 – kinda missed that benchmark event too – five kids and keeping up with them, their activities and their lack of follow through on homework assignments left little time for current events and world crises.
 
So I hesitated to write a column on something so serious – so consequential – as the Ukrainian invasion by Russia. 
 
And then it all came together when I heard pundits and newscasters alluding to Putin’s mental state and stability. 
Pondering his grip on reality. 
Is he unhinged? Is his mental acuity diminished?
Or is he just pretending to lesser mental faculties to unnerve the West and appear as irrational?
 
Putin is 69 years old. He is the president of Russia, a position he has filled since 2012, and previously from 1999 until 2008. He was also the prime minister from 1999 to 2000, and again from 2008 to 2012. Even though holding such powerful positions, I certainly wouldn’t consider him a super star and he is obviously not utilizing any late life wisdom.
 
Did he really think the world would stand by while he initiates a pre-meditated and unprovoked attack on the Ukraine? 
Did he really think NATO and the West wouldn’t respond when his military hammers civilian targets and missiles pummel Ukrainian cities? 
When 1000’s of Ukrainian citizens are being killed? 
When women and children flee the country – unsure when or if they will see their loved ones again?
 
I think Putin is suffering from striver fatigue. He needs to go quietly into the night and let more rational minds prevail. I think Arthur Brooks would agree.
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom and Pray for Peace,
 
Iris Ruth Pastor 

It’s All My Best Friend’s Cousin’s Fault

It’s all my best friend’s cousin’s fault
She came to visit my friend and insisted giving my friend lessons on her favorite new gadget: an Instant Pot.
 
And my friend insisted I share in the experience.
 
Part of me loves learning new things.
The other part?  Totally resistant to venturing out of my comfort zone.
 
Early one morning, in anticipation of my first lesson, I order an Instant Pot from Amazon. Three hours later, I hear a thud on my front porch and see the retreating back of an Amazon truck pulling away. To my utter surprise, my Instant Pot had arrived. I had no excuse to beg off the lessons.
  
Geez. My friend’s cousin is a taskmaster. I would have preferred starting off with throwing a sack of frozen veggies in the pot and marveling at the one-minute cooking time. That didn’t happen. We started in immediately with a more daunting culinary tutorial: 
Chicken Soup. 
 
Here is the recipe:
  
Whole organic 5lb chicken, frozen
6 large carrots
1 yellow onion​
4 sticks of celery
1 T. Minced garlic​
Kosher salt and pepper
1 T. dried parsley
2-32 oz. cartons of chicken stock•Remove plastic from frozen** chicken and place on trivet in the Instant Pot; add 1 c water to the bottom of the pot.  Close lid, turn valve so there is no venting and cook at HIGH pressure for 65 minutes (13 min per pound)•Chop celery, carrots, onion and mince the garlic.•When Chicken is done, “natural release” for 15 minutes; remove chicken to a large cutting board and let cool. Remove the chicken from the bones and chop the chicken into bite size pieces.Wipe out bottom of the pot; add a tablespoon of Avocado Oil and set pot to sauté. Add all the chopped vegetables, salt and pepper and stir for 2 minutes.• Add Chicken broth, parsley and cut up chicken back into pot. Set the pot on High Pressure for 2 minutes and “quick release”. 
     ** If using thawed chicken, cook 8 min per pound
 
    Cook’s Notes:   If you would like to add noodles, cook them separately and add before serving.  Use more of broth.
 
The Chicken Soup was delicious. Even better the next day.
 
If you can’t mooch off friends’ and relatives’ Instant Pot experiences/recipes, heed this site:
https://www.sixsistersstuff.com/10-things-to-never-do-with-your-instant-pot-instant-pot-tips/
 
I found some a very informative, hands-on video for those of us who need constant and repeated instruction and hand-holding when learning something new: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXAd9BYDPJQ
  
When you get tired of roasts and casseroles, and feel like venturing into the unknown with your Instant Pot:
https://thesaltypot.com/weird-wacky-and-delicious-instant-pot-ideas/
 
Happy Instant Potting and Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
 
Iris Ruth Pastor
 
PS The most important link is this one – on safety precautions:
https://www.cnet.com/home/kitchen-and-household/safety-tips-every-instant-pot-owner-should-know/

Is There Anyone Out There That Feels Like Me?

This Valentine’s Day marks ten years since I stopped purging – since the ravages of bulimia ruled my life.
       
I have spent the last decade normalizing my eating, which also, for me, entailed finding a way to keeping my weight within in a reasonable range. Hence, I bought into the diet mentality. 
 
I’m hardly alone. According to the CDC, nearly half of American adults attempt to lose weight each year. I assume they are all looking for the secret formula to shedding those unwanted pounds. 
 Wanna hear something funny?My husband and I went out to dinner last summer with a couple we hadn’t seen in over a year. The husband is a retired physician. I noticed he had dropped a lot of weight.
 
Bursting with curiosity, I brazenly asked him his secret.
 
“I stopped eating so much,” he replied simply.
 
“That’s it?” I screeched in disbelief.
 
“That’s it,” he reassured me.
 
Obviously, for most of us, it’s not quite that easy. Just think about the millions of people who turn to popular weight loss programs and pay big bucks to aid in the scale’s southward decline.
 I turned to Weight Watchers  Weight Watchers is a global company that offers weight loss and maintenance plans. WW helped me figure out portion control and aided me in identifying when I was actually hungry, as opposed to when I was just bored, restless or frustrated. 
 
Here’s a trick I learned at one of my Weight Watcher weekly meetings on the topic of gauging hunger: If you are truly physically hungry, you will crave biting into a big juicy red apple. Otherwise, you are responding to other non-biological cues. 
 And then came NOOM
Noom is a psychology-approach app that helps people make behavioral changes in order to live healthier lives. Noom taught me a lot too. 
     I learned that an effective way to combat thought distortions is recognizing the danger of  all or nothing thinking . Example: “I ate an enormous lunch today; I’ll never be able to improve my eating.”
     Noom raised the bar on my awareness of delusional thinking – convincing myself of something to justify a decision. Example: “This small sliver of cake doesn’t really count.” 
     Noom made me more mindful of exaggerated thinking – making a situation into something bigger than it is. Example: “I had a donut for breakfast, so my entire day is ruined.”
 
I’ve also learned about healthy substitutes: 
Craving cheesecake? 
Dip some fruit in low-fat Greek yogurt, then freeze it for at least 1 hour for an icy treat. 
 
Fixated on Crème brûlée?
Split a ripe banana lengthwise, broil for 4 minutes, and watch the natural sugars caramelize.
 
Zoning out over apple pie? Toss a diced apple in cinnamon, then sauté it in a nonstick pan until soft.
 
And when that doesn’t work?
I’ve learned to give into the craving! No one ever got fat from wolfing down one slice of pizza, one chocolate chip cookie or one slice of carrot cake – even when slathered in velvety cream cheese frosting.
 And then there are TriggersEek! All kinds of triggers:
Environmental – just seeing or smelling food can cause me to eat the mound of caramels in my beautiful ceramic bowl, next to my family room couch or the pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream languishing too prominently in my freezer.
 
Emotional – a positive or negative feeling that causes me to eat. Examples include mindlessly eating for comfort when I am  angry, lonely, sad or even happy and excited.
 
Mental – anything in my mind that causes me to eat. Examples include reading a description about food or even thinking about a favorite food – mac and cheese or a biscuit smothered in butter.
 
It took a long time for me to identify triggers, but once I did, I removed the caramels from the family room and stashed the ice cream in the back of the freezer.
 
One of my biggest accomplishments over the last ten years has been centered on learning to enjoy and savor both food and its preparation. I’m back to baking banana bread and experimenting with making chicken soup in my new Instant Pot. 
 
I know many people tie their self-worth to the number on the scale. Where the needle falls each morning that I step on my digital scale (religiously at 9am) still impacts my mood, but not my self-esteem. It determines how much I will eat during that day. Period. 
     It no longer colors my self-image.
     It no longer impacts my mastery over both emotional and mindless eating.
     It no longer curtails my social life. 
     It no longer diminishes my great pride in having overcome a demon that I never thought I could eradicate from my life: BULIMIA.
        
Is There Anyone Out There That Feels Like Me?
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
 
Iris Ruth Pastor

Super Bowl LVI And Valentine’s Day – It’s An Enticing Combo -Laced Through With Uncertainty.

Two burning questions:
The Super Bowl: Who’s going to ultimately triumph?
The LA Rams in their home stadium?
Or my beloved underdog: The Cincinnati Bengals??? 
THE BENGALS HAVE NEVER WON A SUPERBOWL AND THE LAST TIME THEY PLAYED IN ONE WAS THIRTY-ONE YEARS AGO!!!!!
 
Valentine’s Day 2022: Are my husband and I going to make it through to another Valentine’s Day– in spite of all his annoying habits? And mine?
     Turning on the light in the middle of the night to blow his nose 
     Not putting the top back on the magic markers everytime he uses one, thus continually drying them out
      Insisting on keeping an oversized and ugly plastic bin of dog food in my carefully curated butler’s pantry 
 
To be fair, my husband’s list of MY annoying habits are quite extensive too. Here are just a few: 
     I constantly criticize his driving 
     I get mad when he runs late and I honk the horn incessantly in the driveway until he appears 
     I constantly scream “What? What? What?” at him when I don’t have my hearing aids in (which is most of the time).  
As for Super Bowl FOOD, here are my suggestions: Go Native. Cincinnati may not be noted for the most sophisticated palate, but so be it. Try the following at your Super Bowl gathering: 
     Graeter’s Ice Cream (available at Fresh Market) 
     Skyline Chili (in Clearwater) and frozen and canned Skyline available at most Publix Markets
     Montgomery Inn Barbecue Sauce for ribs -can be ordered online 
https://www.cincydirect.com/ProductDetails.aspx/Montgomery-Inn-Store/Montgomery-Inn-Barbecue-Sauce/Montgomery-Inn-Barbecue-Sauce-18oz/
     Buckeyes Balls – because Ohio is the BUCKEYE STATE. Click here for an online recipe: 
https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/9909/buckeyes-i/
 
And after the Super Bowl, wildly celebrate or drown your sorrows depending on whether your team was victorious.
Doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship….. 
Whether in a relationship or pining for one…
On your honeymoon…
Or knee-deep in divorce proceedings, while divvying up your grandmother’s Royal Doulton China…
We all can benefit from a little romantic movie watching post- Super Bowl.
 
Here are some of my binge-worthy favorites for Valentine’s Day:

When Harry Met Sally Dirty Dancing  
 The Before Trilogy (1995, 2004, 2013)  Dr. Zhivago  
 Splendor in the Grass  
And as for outcomes:
     I love The Cincinnati Bengals, win or lose. 
     I love my husband too – in spite of all his quirks and irritating habits. 
     And I always root for the couple in the movie to stay together.
 
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
 
Iris Ruth Pastor

What Women Really Want for Valentine’s Day

Every year around this time, I start getting anxiety attacks because I know Valentine’s Day is coming and I will probably be disappointed again by my husband’s response or lack of response to this very romantic and love-filled day.
 
To counteract my frustration, this year I decided to survey some friends and find out what they really wanted for Valentine’s Day and how they would most enjoy spending this holiday. 
There were the usual requests for flowers, nighties, fine jewelry, and romantic dinners.  However, the funniest request came from a 44 year-old mother with toddlers who wrote that all she craved was “sleep, no screaming kids, no one watching me go to the bathroom and five minutes alone in the closet.”
 
Another uninhibited woman wanted a massage by a muscular, male Swede, while one of my good friends only wanted her husband, after 20 years of marriage, to carry her and her additional 20 pounds over the threshold and not suffer a hernia while doing it.  
Also desirable were good books on a specific interest of the recipient (not the giver); diamonds; week-end get-aways; gift certificates for something indulgent such as manicures, pedicures and maid service; a bottle of wine; bubble bath; and clothes.
 
Most appreciated were things that reflected thought and a personal touch on the recipient’s behalf.  One wife stated that, “a wallet was the most appreciated thing I ever received from my husband on Valentine’s Day, because I needed it and he really listened to me.” 
 
Another said, “I like when my husband gets me a card that I can tell he spent time looking for. You know, it seems to be written just for us.”
 
On the subject of candy, the vast majority of respondents emphatically stated that they did not want candy for Valentine’s Day. It was too fattening and too tempting to have around.
 
The most disappointing gifts were those that were purchased without thought, originality or care. The biggest no-no was anything purchased perfunctorily after a million hints or in a hurry on the way home from work on Valentine’s Day.  
Besides candy, kitchen gadgets of any sort were definitely not wanted, followed closely by any kind of appliance.  Other undesirables were:
         The exact same thing he gives his mother
         Something with a bill to pay off
         Ill fitting or unrealistic lingerie (One of my best friends told me she had a real problem with the very sexy nightgown her husband surprised her with. The gown made the fat on her back bulge and her breasts were quite a bit lower than the area of the gown they were supposed to be put into. Being very practical, she just hung it on her bathroom door to look pretty.)
         Cheap flowers such as mums, colored carnations or rosebuds that don’t open at all.
 
 
On describing how wives would like to spend Valentine’s Day, here are some representative samples:
         My husband and I would have the day to ourselves.  Pancakes for breakfast, a long time in the shower with each other, a fire in the fireplace and a back rub.  We would have time to talk, think and share without distractions
         Take a long walk
         Share a family meal, without arguing – simply enjoying each other’s company
         Do needlepoint in bed while watching old movies – ALONE.
         A massage in the late afternoon, and then home to fresh flowers and a catered candlelight dinner
         Camp in a secluded wooded area with my husband.  He would cook out and then we would eat before the fire, sharing a good bottle of wine
         Fly to New York City with my husband, go to the Museum of Modern Art, grab a hot dog for lunch and that evening eat at my favorite Chinese restaurant and see a play
 
The reality is that New York City for Valentine’s Day is out of reach for most of us. The answers to the question about what things have you received in the past that were the most heartwarming and appreciated had little to do with money, travel or culture. The same respondent that fantasized about a day’s trip to New York City said the nicest thing she ever received from her husband was a pair of electric gloves because she has bad circulation.
 
Here are a few other responses that seemed to touch the heart:
         Note from my husband found on Valentine’s morning on the kitchen counter, “Linda, Dinner tonight at The Heritage at 7PM.  Baby sitter is arranged.  Love, Mike.”
         A special little trinket hidden in a raisin box
         Initiating doing something outrageous together, like flying a kite
         My husband calling me during the day just to say, “I love you.”
         The gift of listening to me when I need to talk and loving me when I am at my most unlovable. I’d like a coupon for 1/2 hour of uninterrupted listening and a coupon for 1 prolonged bear hug when I am acting obnoxious
         Not getting mad at me when something does not go right and being understanding, calm and accepting of the overall, unpredictable annoyances in life.
 
The most frequently cited item my contemporaries would like to receive for Valentine’s Day is a handwritten note, poem or letter from their husband expressing kindness, appreciation and love. 
Draw your own conclusions concerning what you feel is appropriate and desirable to give.  The present I am giving myself is to be, just for that day, as frivolous, fun loving, flirty and feminine as I have ever yearned to be.
 
As for my husband, the rest is up to him.
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
 
Iris Ruth Pastor

My Bucket List vs My Always More Sh*t To Do List

Somewhere on the Internet, I came across the following bucket list ideas people have come up with:
      Change someone’s life for the better – 52%
      Get to my ideal weight – 47%
      Go on a safari – 45%
      Ride a hot air balloon – 45%
      See the Northern Lights – 45%
      Go to the Super Bowl – 43%
      Swim with dolphins – 39%
      Travel through Europe – 38%

Of course, the first thing on any list I have ever made or will ever make is to reach and maintain my ideal weight. Ha Ha! That’s not happening. 

Here are a few of MY choices: 
Change someone’s life for the better? Hopefully, I’m doing that through my writing and speaking already.

Go on a safari? Nope. I‘d rather stick closer to home and bring together lots of wild beasts (normal people with eclectic experiences) together in a salon setting at my house on a regular basis.

Ride a hot air balloon? No Way. Done it. Never doing it again. Terrified of heights. Instead, I’d like to try haggling at a street fair, re-learning how to do a cartwheel and seeing a sunrise and sunset all in the same day.

See the Northern Lights? Sure, if I could organize and execute a family trip with all five sons and their families.

Go to the Super Bowl? Hell yes! If the Cincinnati Bengals are in it – which this year they may very well be.

Swim with the dolphins? Nope, I’d rathefr learn how to read tarot cards, finally figure out, after 12 years of having one, how to work my convection oven and learn the techniques of operating a potter’s wheel.
. 
Travel through Europe? Sure, but also visit Sedona, Key West and Israel. 

I also get very confused between my two lists. I’m trying to keep them separate but they keep bleeding into each other.

On what list do the following belong – my Bucket List or my Sh*t To Do List? It’s all so perplexing. 
     Try all the new owner operated restaurants that have opened up in my neighborhood
     Figure out how to combine my love of collage and knitting into saleable art
     Learn to use an electric drill
     Get more henna tattoos
     Own a pair of stilettos with red bottoms
     Attend another high school reunion
     Host a family reunion
     Put a purple streak in my hair
     Get a few more earring holes in my ears
     Hike a bunch of local trails and the beach

Even with all my whittling, my bucket list grows longer and longer every year – it’s now ginormous. It’s become my buddy – my security blanket. I take it out when I need soothing and I proceed to analyze it. Alter it. Highlight it. Cross items off. Write in items again. Update. Revise.

And my life seems to be busier than ever – getting in the way of crossing off items on my Bucket List.

How could that be?
I raised five children without ever seeming to have a spare moment and now they are out of the house, and I still can’t find the time to pare down my list and accomplish each item.

I’m still yearning to:
     Master the art of snapping great photos with my iPhone
     Take a weekly Yoga class
     Bake challah regularly
     Rent a luxurious RV and embark on a road trip –freeways off limits – destination: small towns along the way
     Organize my columns to preserve my newsletters 
     Learn Canasta
     Take a weekend jaunt with each of my grandkids    
     Divide up my prized possessions among my grandchildren to prevent squabbling when I pass on 

And most of all, on every list I will ever compile, I will always leave room for more Sugar Cookie Moments.

Here are some of yours:

From Julie  C.
This is a picture of my dad,  who never got to meet his great granddaughter in person, meeting her via a photograph and giving her a kiss. This is one of my many sugar cookie moments. j
Susan H.
This is a photo of my husband, myself, our son, his wife and their 3 children on Christmas morning.  We thought it would be fun to wear matching pjs to open gifts. We wore them all day!!  
Until next time, Keep Preserving Your Bloom (and by the way, put that on one of your lists, too),
Iris Ruth Pastor
PS For all of my loyal readers who sent in pics of sugar cookie moments, thank you so much.

WHAT’S ON YOUR BUCKET LIST?

What Happens When Someone Else Gets What You So Desperately Want

I received the following reader’s comment from a column I wrote about the December Dilemma – when your offspring are in mixed marriages and sharing holidays are problematic. And feelings are intensely painful.

Here is the reader response to my column, whose daughter is intermarried: 

My daughter drives to upstate New York with her husband and their two teenagers to spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family.

My husband and I live in Maryland. We don’t get any visits. Instead, if we want to see our daughter and grandkids we fly to their city and stay at a hotel near our daughter’s house. These trips cost us $1,500 to $2,000 each time we go. (They don’t have room for us to stay with them at their house). Our granddaughter is a theater kid, and we have flown to see nearly every one of her school and community theater productions. We’ve flown up to see our grandson play in little league games. 

Since 2010, we have rented a house near them for three weeks every summer, and drive 12 hours each way, just so we can spend some time with our daughter and her family (again, on our dime). Our grandkids are now 13 and 17, so we’ve been doing this for a long time. 

We have consistently paid for airfare for our daughter and her kids to fly down to visit with us for their February winter break. We send them gifts all the time. We rarely get acknowledgments. 

I am always upset at this time of the year. My daughter posts pictures on Instagram of her husband’s family’s celebrations. That’s how I know they are there. I feel very sad and alone every year from mid-November to January. And now that my husband and I are older, it feels like we’ve been abandoned. The pull of our son-in-law’s family is insurmountable during this time. 

Since we are now in our mid-70’s, travel is becoming harder and harder. It irks me that they spend so much time with the my son-in-law’s family. The last time my son-in-law came to our house was 5 years ago. 

Every year it gets harder and harder to deal with this dilemma. Our son-in-law is the youngest of 6 children, so our grandchildren are drawn to his big family with lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. We have an unmarried son who lives far away. We can’t compete. 

Do you have any advice for abandoned grandparents during this time of the year?

Of course, I was immediately intimidated by the prospect of trying to solve my reader’s heart wrenching dilemma. And so I hesitated to offer my opinion. Why? I have no impressive letters after my name giving me credence as having an expertise in psychology and/or counseling. I am not a life doula, life coach or member of the clergy. I am a writer, speaker and  storyteller. Period. 

However, those “incidental” facts don’t stop my gut from reacting to her woes. And my gut reaction is as follows:  

Dear Abandoned Grandparents, 

You can change your behavior, but you risk compromising your values and taking away the joy of giving – along with seeing your grandchildren in their element.

I’d try lowering my expectations.
I’d try finding other sources of joy.
I’d try talking to your daughter honestly about this and asking her for suggestions.
I’d try establishing a one-on-one with each of your grandkids based on their interests.
ALL EASIER SAID THAN DONE, I ADMIT! 

Very uneasy with my answer, I looked to the best resource around: Ruth Nemzoff. A wise, wise woman and author of the book: Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with your Adult Children.

Here is Ruth’s response:
People often talk about money when really they have hurt feelings. This seems to be the case here.

Different families offer different things:
It seems like one family is much wealthier and can offer gifts, trips and attention.
It seems that the other family is offering an extended family of support.

Ideally, the grandparents should be glad that their daughter and her family have this experience and level of care.

The grandparents who wrote in set-up this situation –  does it need to be updated due to a change in the couple’s finances? Can they still afford it? If it fiscal, they need to say that.

Does the situation need to be updated due to health concerns? Aging issues? We run the continuum with kids when viewing their parents as they age. Some kids think their parents are infallible and will live forever. Others think their parents are frail and need protection. 

The Issue here doesn’t seem to be the money, but hurt feelings. The “abandoned” couple needs to ask themselves what they feel and what they really want.

Do they think their daughter doesn’t love them?
Do they feel they are being taken for granted?
Do they yearn for more attention from their daughter?

Perhaps It’s time for a discussion – as difficult as it may be.
     What would make them feel less taken for granted?
     What do they want?

What can parents of married children do around the holidays to make themselves less lonely and more engaged when their married children are with the spouse’s family? Ruth suggests one might want to look at some activities that could dispel the gloom and make ourselves happier. 
     Reach out to others who are alone.
     Zoom with long distance friends and relatives.
     Volunteer at a shelter or food kitchen on the actual holiday. 

A woman Ruth knew moved to a new town. She rented out the party room in her complex for Thanksgiving. She put a note up at the local synagogue that anyone who didn’t have a place to go could come to the party room for dinner (and to please bring a dish). The event was a roaring success.

Let us all remember the above advice when someone else gets what we so desperately want.

And Keep Preserving Your Bloom,

Iris Ruth Pastor

The Secret to Getting Through January With Your Sanity Intact

Getting through the disgusting month of January with its snow, sleet, freezing rain and bitter winds can be challenging  – unless, of course, like me, you live in sunny Florida. Our temps hover in the 70’s all through the first month of the year. And the sky? Pure blue.
 
If you reside in a less hospitable part of the world? Release the cookie monster within and start baking!
 
 And start eating and sharing those goodies!
 Here’s a few of my favorite desserts by a few of my favorite people:
My niece, Courtney, one of those people who, whatever she attempts, she does not only well, but with flair and delight. And baking cookies since she was a little kid is “her thing.”
Courtney says, “Attached is a picture of me on my 30th birthday with a cookie cake I made from the recipe below. I make a chocolate chip cookie cake every year for my birthday, because I don’t want any other dessert but this.” 
Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 cups + 2 tablespoons flour1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
12 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled (use good quality butter)
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 egg yolk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Any amount of dark chocolate (bittersweet) chips (I use Ghirardelli or Godiva)

Preheat oven to 325.
Mix flour, baking soda, salt. Set aside.
Beat butter and sugars on medium speed for 2-3 minutes.
Beat in egg, yolk, and vanilla.
Add in dry ingredients and beat until combined.
Stir in chocolate chips.
Bake 15 minutes. DO NOT OVERBAKE. The cookies will look somewhat raw when they come out. Let them cool on the baking sheets. My sister-in- law, Pam, simply the warmest and kindest and most nurturing person I have ever met: Pam says, “This recipe is from a cookbook we made with my class and another classroom when I taught multi-handicapped children in a two-room school in Covington, Kentucky in the early 1980’s. The original recipe came from a student named Carlos and his grandmother.” 
Banana Bread½ cup butter
¾ cup sugar
3 mashed ripe bananas (1 and ½ cups)
2 beaten eggs
1 ½ cups flour
I t. baking powder
I t. salt
Ground Cinnamon – use your judgment
Nuts (optional)
 
Slice up butter and let it get soft. Cream butter and sugar. Mash bananas with a fork and then add bananas and eggs to the mixture.
Sift the dry ingredients together and mix  with the other ingredients until the batter is moist.
 
Fold in nuts and pour into a well buttered loaf pan. (I use Pam spray)
Bake in 300 degree oven for 1- 1 1/4 hours or until tester comes out clean.
 
Cool before slicing. This cake is even better the second day and also freezes nicely. 
 
 My very best friend, Gloria, who always has both my back and my best interests at heart, is a cook and baker extraordinaire. The following recipe is for Blonde Brownies, which, her youngest son, Andrew, always referred to as Tannies. Gloria says, “These tannies are still a fan favorite today – often requested by my kids and their friends from grade school. And an unnamed relative has been known to eat a whole pan!!! 
Tannies
Preheat oven to 350 degrees 
Grease a metal brownie pan with butter or spray
 
1 stick of unsalted butter, at room temperature 
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar 
Cream sugars and butter for a couple of minutes 
until smooth 
 
Combine in a small bowl the following three ingredients 
1 1/2 cups flour
Pinch salt
1 teaspoon baking powder 
Then add half of the dry ingredients to the sugar and butter mixture.
 
Additional ingredients:
1 teaspoon vanilla 
2 eggs, at room temperature 
1/2 bag chocolate chips, whatever kind you like 
1 bag Heath Bits o’ Brickle (in chocolate chip area of the store)
 
Mix in egg
Add other half of the dry ingredients 
Then the other egg and vanilla 
Add in brickle bits and chips until combined 
The batter will be stiff
Spread in greased pan 
Bake 20 minutes or until just golden brown depending on your oven

   My good buddy Margie – no matter how long it’s been since we have talked, we pick up effortlessly where we left off without missing a beat.  
Zucchini Bread
Grease all sides of the loaf pan
Preheat oven to 325 degrees
 
Beat together:
3 eggs
I cup oil
2 cups sugar
2 t vanilla or almond flavoring
 
Mash or cut-up 2 cups unpeeled zucchini (5 medium zucchinis). Remove some of water by placing zucchini in a thin dish towel and squeezing out excess water and then stir into the top ingredients. 
 
3 t cinnamon
1 t baking soda 
1 t salt 
3 cups flour
Sift all together and then add to the moist ingredients
 
Put parchment paper on the bottom of the loaf pan and grease loaf pan or spray with Pam the sides of the loaf pan.
 
Bake for one hour.
 
Happy Making
Happy Baking
Happy Eating
 
Keep Preserving Your Bloom,
 
Iris Ruth Pastor

An Open Letter to my Grandchildren on the Benefits of Reading

Dear Sophie, Charlie, Lucy, Benjy, Bobbie, Levi and Remi,
 
One of my favorite activities when I was 12 years-old was sulking.
I became a world-class sulker 
In case you aren’t’ familiar with the term SULKING, the definition of sulking is to be silent, morose and bad-tempered – out of annoyance or disappointment. Think of it as having a resentful attitude. 
 
I indulged in sulking quite often – beginning around the age of eight and intensifying exponentially through my teenage years. 
 
I sulked regularly – it was a way of putting some distance between myself and the person irritating me – mostly my mom, but sometimes my little brother or my best friend. 
 
When sulking, I removed myself. I went off by myself. Thus, I was forced to figure out how to occupy myself when in my self-imposed bubble of solitude. I had to do something that got my mind directly off what was bothering me – something that provided me with a pause – a time to cool off and relax – take a break, so to speak. 
 
Maybe you do that already with 
     Video games
     Face time
     Tik Tok
     Instagram
     Surfing the Internet
 
I didn’t have those diversions growing up, so I turned to flopping down on my bed with a good book. Sulking was the perfect opportunity to read. 
And what did reading do for me? 
Reading helped me make sense of the world.
 
When I read Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl, I was able to begin to grasp the enormity of what she faced as an adolescent – making my bad mood over my mother’s rules about bedtime pale in comparison to her challenges of living in a confined attic, unable to go to school or play outside, under the constant threat of being discovered, torn from her family and sent to a concentration camp.
 
When I read about amateur sleuth Nancy Drew in The Hidden Staircase, I began to understand how exciting life can be when you embark on an adventure. And how your sense of self deepens when you are able to do something you like well.
 
Read what interests you – all I read for years in junior high were mushy romances like Seventeenth Summer while one of my best friends was reading more high-brow books like Miracle at Carville – about leprosy. I taught her how to flirt with her cool next-door neighbor and she taught me there was more to life than gazing longingly at Marvin Kaplan in Math class. We learned from each other.  Benefits of ReadingReading increases your general knowledge – when I read about my ancestors who lived in tenements, without running water, and electricity, I felt renewed gratitude for the house I lived in, my driveway where I played hop scotch and the basement where I played monopoly on a card table in the corner of the rec room. And I gained immense respect for my great grandparents who had it so much tougher than I did. 
 
Fiction taught me about how people think and interact with each other.
Non-fiction taught me about how other people – similar and not similar to me – learn how to navigate life’s challenges and seize opportunities.  
Here’s my suggestion: 
Put down your electronic wonders and pick up a book.
Why? 
     It expands your vocabulary because you will come across words you have never heard 
     It improves your writing skills and your grammar 
     It enhances your imagination
     It will keep you occupied during the pandemic
 
Books are easily accessible and reasonably priced. 
And reading is something you can do on your own. 
 
All the above are reasons that will give your mom and dad (and grandparents) immense pleasure.
So what’s in it for YOU? 
Reading is fun and entertaining.
 
Reading allows you to experience the vastness of the world from the comfort of your own home, at your own pace and convenience. It doesn’t matter what genre you gravitate to. Just Read.  
 
Find a designated space for your books and start your own collection. Just like I have all over my house.
 
Take pride in yourself as your bookshelves fill up. 
 
And maybe, just maybe, you will pass those prized volumes down to your own children one day. 
 
Until then, I will continue to send you books. 
 
Love,
 
Nana