Rania Mallouk's Blog

The World is Ending…Maybe it Needs to

Now that I have your attention, let’s be honest, no, the world isn’t ending, but perhaps pieces of it needs to. 2020 has shown us the ugly side of human nature – racism, sexism, nationalism, to name a few. Perhaps 2020 is the year we needed to realize how perverse our way of life has become. Instead of championing change for the masses, we have paved the road for a tiny few. Instead of creating a world of diversity and inclusivity, we have built a place that treats people differently based on their skin color, religious beliefs, socio-economic status. Instead of realizing a person’s true worth is based on how they treat others (and themselves), we have bought into a belief that a person’s worth is more about how wealthy they are or how popular they are on social media.

Throw in a pandemic (real to some, a farce to others), racial reckoning (hello white people), historical questioning (good bye statues and flags), and a recession (the middle class and poor continue to get poorer) to name a few and you have quite a melange of world shattering shit. But will it be enough for us to start dealing with the problems we ourselves have created? Is it enough of a shitstorm for world leaders to re-evaluate what is truly important to their sovereignty? Or, will it sadly continue as it had prior to 2020? What exactly will it take for us to realize that what is going on in the world is no longer ok?

I am not an expert in any stretch of the imagination, but I do have an opinion on how to make things better. I am only the voice of one, but I like to think that others out there may share a belief in some of what I am about to say. This is not an article to tell people what to do or what to believe, but rather, it is a compilation of words and thoughts that will hopefully help people rethink their own beliefs and possibly challenge them to learn and evolve toward a new way of thinking, acting, and being.

First of all, the color of one’s skin does not define an individual or a group of people, rather, it is only one piece of their story. Add in their culture, their upbringing, their thoughts and ideas, and you have an entire human being. My whiteness is just that, it is the color of my skin. But the color of my skin and what is afforded me because of it must be acknowledged, just like that of my black and brown brothers and sisters and what is not afforded to them. Our stories, our journeys, our struggles are affected differently by the tint of our skin, yet it should not be ignored, or maimed, or weaponized. These differences should be celebrated and understood and loved. Because, in the end, all lives can’t matter until black lives matter (feel free to exit this post if you are now offended).

Secondly, a person’s religious views, ideologies, and beliefs should not be used as a political weapon nor as the reason to alienate or undermine them because of the god they choose to worship. Not all Muslims are terrorists. Not all Catholic priests are child molesters. Not all Christians are bible wielding praise worshippers. At the same time, religion cannot be used only when it suits people, especially in advancing national policy or reform. Separation of church and state exists for a reason. We cannot be a unified nation if we are constantly being told what can and cannot be done because of someone’s religion. That is a personal decision and should not be used on the national stage. This does not mean religion is not important, it means the tenants of religion are important, NOT the religion itself. Yes, love and kindness and treating your neighbor as you want to be treated should be a part of our governance, but not providing birth control to your employees should not be based on your religious stance (once again, feel free to exist this post if you are further offended then when you started reading).

Lastly, a person’s self worth in the eyes of the world should be based on how they treat others, what type of life they led, what good deeds they did for those around them. Material things, money, and power have somehow become the measuring stick of a person’s worth (no, this is not just for 2020, but has been around for centuries). And to be honest, those things have caused us to lose sight of how we can all become better people: by helping one another. The divide that is growing between rich and poor, black and white, Republicans and Democrats is occurring because we no longer see ourselves as one nation, but rather, as a group of people who are mainly concerned with what’s best for oneself versus the collective group. Socialism is an overly used term for the idea of helping others. Politicians use it to scare people away from policies and programs that are geared toward helping those who need it most, labeling those individuals as lazy or only wanting things to be given to them. There is nothing wrong with helping those who are less fortunate. Don’t you think our world would be better off if more people were enjoying their lives without having to work 2-3 jobs simply to survive? Don’t you think we’d have less problems if we tried to create a fair playing ground for everyone, not just the well off and white?

To be clear, once again, I am in no means an expert on any of these topics (which I’m sure a lot of you agree with). But hopefully, this post has caused you to take pause, to reflect on what changes you personally need to make and what changes the world needs to make. We are all human. And in the end, we all bleed the same.

I Cried Today, Did You?

The tears weren’t sobs of sadness or waterfalls of happiness. The waterworks were simply an overdue release of pent up stress and ignored emotions. They weren’t a sign of weakness or an outpouring of self-pity, yet rather an opportunity to cleanse myself of unhealthy toxins that had built up within me as a side-effect of my aversion to being emotional. Crying was never a ritual I partook in growing up and it definitely wasn’t something I did when I entered young adulthood. Between the societal image of being weak if you cried and my own self-made ideas around the act of crying, I had never really allowed myself to shed any tears unless they were of pain. I imagine I am not the only one who is wired this way. And I suppose, even further, is that men feel this way even more than women.

So, back to my question, I cried today, but did you? If so, how did you feel afterward? Also, are you lying and saying no you didn’t cry but in fact you did because you feel ashamed of your tears? I’m sure many of you would answer this question with an affirmative response because you’ve been wired and programmed to feel as though the act of crying is shameful, or weak. But in fact, it’s quite the opposite. Being able to show your emotions and work through your emotions – whether alone or around others – is actually a sign of strength and confidence in one self. It is also a very healthy and productive release of emotions. It is not a “female” act or something only “weak” people do. Rather, it is a way to connect with oneself on a deeper level, a way to allow yourself to express what you are feeling, something that scares people because we don’t talk about the normalcy of being emotional.

With mental health issues on the rise and emotional well-being often ignored, we must change the narrative around how to deal with our own feelings. We must learn to talk about what we are going through, ask for help when we can’t walk through it on our own. To help us deal with our stress, anxiety, self-doubt we must be ok to seek out the expertise of those who specialize in this arena and we must lean on our friends and family to help us through the darkness. We must remove the stigma that society has placed on crying and being “emotional.” Because if we don’t then depression will cloud the lives of too many more people, depression will overtake the joy that life can bring, and depression will win in a space that it has no place being in.

So, if you didn’t cry today, do you need to? Do you feel comfortable doing it? They can be tears of sadness or tears of joy. You can do it in the shower or in a room with your dog for comfort. It doesn’t matter where you are, but just know that if you need to cry, you aren’t the only one. I did and so can you. I promise, you’ll feel better afterwards and it will be worth it in the end.

Bucking Societal Norms

I would have entitled this blog post something a bit more obscene but there are still some societal norms I tend to follow. Cursing in a title is one threshold I am not yet ready to cross, you can thank my mom for that (and the fact that she reads this blog!). However, there are a few norms I think we can all leave behind in 2020, or at least try to. And you can go ahead and roll your eyes if you’d like, but a lot of these norms are directed at women and annoy me profusely. You may not know me personally (or you do, so this will come as no surprise), but if there is one thing that truly aggravates the hell out of me it’s that women tend to live life by a set of “rules” that men are not required to follow.

Here are my top three “societal norms” I’d like to ignore in 2020:

Women are more attractive when they are “put together”: i.e. wearing makeup, their hair is done, and they are in clothes other than gym wear. Let’s get one thing straight, a woman is gorgeous no matter what – in sweat pants, with no make-up on, and her hair thrown up in a messy ponytail. She has not “given up” on herself because she would rather be comfortable than all dolled up. I for one would rather be in gym attire with a fresh face and my hair pulled up because I’m COMFORTABLE that way. It doesn’t make me a tom-boy or whatever, it makes me, ME. And for crying out loud, why am I “letting myself go” if I choose comfort over glam?
Women can have it all: This one doesn’t work because it’s impossible to “have it all.” At some point we need to stop telling ourselves that we NEED to have it all.  It’s ok to be without. And by without, just fill in the blank: a relationship, large sums of money, work-life balance, etc. We have been primed to think that everyone out there is killing it, everyone is happy, everyone is perfect. That is BS because it’s impossible. But it’s OK to not have it all, it doesn’t mean your life isn’t precious or your family isn’t adorable or your relationship isn’t fulfilling…it simply means that we are human and we are NOT perfect and that’s OK. Let’s start to focus on the fact that what we have is ENOUGH – let’s turn a blind eye to the media and the marketing and the advertising for all the things we don’t have that we are told that we should have and let’s start appreciating the good that we have already in our lives and know that it is enough.
Moms are selfish for taking alone time (or focusing on themselves) : oh boy, this one sets my feet on fire. I can’t explain how much this “norm” truly pisses me off (can you feel the energy emanating from the keyboard as I type this?). We live in a society that pretty much shouts moms must solely focus on their children 24/7 and when they don’t, they aren’t raising/loving/appreciating/doting/sacrificing/blah blah blah. Children do not measure their mom’s love based on the fact that she is constantly by their side all day, every day. Children base their love for their mom on the fact that she wipes their tears when they cry, that she laughs at their jokes, that she helps them with their homework. They also realize when their mom is stressed, upset, sad, or angry. Children want their mom happy. They want their mom healthy and able to enjoy herself. They do not feel abandoned if mom misses a game or a practice or a rehearsal because she is traveling for work, grabbing dinner with other moms, or getting a manicure/pedicure. Society is the one who makes women feel inferior to one another by portraying what they deem to be the perfect mom. That mom does NOT exist. Nor do dads feel this pressure (at least not to the extent that women do). It is healthy (and often needed) to take care of yourself as a woman and as a mother. IF you are not taking care of yourself then there is no way you can effectively give of yourself to your children. The best analogy a therapist shared with me regarding this was the following: if an airplane is about to crash the adult is told to put on their mask first before helping a child – simply put, if you can’t breathe yourself then how do you expect to help your child?

So, I hope moving forward we can put these norms behind us. We won’t feel pressured to look perfect or feel perfect. We won’t hold ourselves to standards that are not attainable. We will take time for ourselves and not feel bad for it. The world will be a better place if we are able to take care of ourselves, be ourselves, and love ourselves.

Here’s to New Beginnings…

People often wait until the New Year to try something different: a new haircut, a new diet, a new job, a new significant other, you name it. Humans are creatures of habit who believe that with January 1st comes the magical time to rid themselves of their old skin, to journey down the path unknown, to blossom into some mystical version of themself that somehow didn’t exist on December 31st. Why does it take the start of a new year for us to ignite a fire within ourselves that hopefully won’t diminish and burn out only a few days or weeks later?

Are you a believer in starting fresh and coming out of last year’s cocoon? Do you make up, write down, or say aloud your own new year’s resolutions? I for one have not done it in years and I’m beginning to think that maybe I should. Research shows that people who write down their goals with realistic timelines often achieve them more often than those who do not. The data also points us to successful people who have spoken their dreams out loud to others in their inner circle – thereby forming a type of accountability with someone who is significant to their life. Why do you think this is? Why are dreams more likely to be accomplished if they are written down or spoken out loud?

Accountability plays a key role in a person’s desire to accomplish a goal in their life. By sharing their vision with another person, they speak into existence their desire to do something, be something, try something.  Having a cheerleader so to speak helps keep us afloat when we feel as though we are sinking, it helps us breath when we feel like our life’s dream is suffocating us, it helps us keep a clear mind when we are muddied by thoughts of self-doubt. I often hold my ambitious dreams to myself, not vocalizing them to others and definitely not writing them down on paper. I do this because I fear failure. I fear that I will not be good enough or not strong enough to make my dreams become my reality. So maybe this new year I will change this about myself – I will speak my dreams and goals aloud and have someone hold me accountable to myself. Why not? Truly, what is there to lose? Working towards our dreams should make our lives more fulfilled, more enriched, more engaged. When we challenge ourselves we allow every nerve within our bodies to fire on all cylinders, we allow every fiber to spark and be alive. Isn’t this what life is all about? To take a chance on ourself? To push our own boundaries to see how far we can take ourselves?

So, for 2020 here is my new start: I will be leaving a company I have been a part of for the last 14 years of my life. I am starting a new venture with a different company in an industry I know nothing about. But I am up for the challenge, I am excited for what new journeys I will embark on with this new role. Yes, I know there will be failure and I’m sure I’ll fall flat on my face once or twice, but I also know that I will grow as a person, that my mind will be stretched to learn new and exciting things, that my soul will come alive with the excitement of the new and unknown. I challenge you to find something that you will do that is new and different for yourself. It doesn’t have to be large or small, just something that makes you a little bit uncomfortable, one that leaves you a little breathless, one that sets your own soul on fire. And I wish you the best of luck – but don’t forget to write it down and say it aloud so that someone else can help you celebrate the success you are about to achieve just by believing in you.

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Do you LIE to yourself?

How many times a day do you tell yourself a lie? No matter how big or small, do you speak a non-truth inside the confines of your own head? MAYBE it doesn’t seem like an issue to you because come on, who doesn’t say a white lie every now and then? And what’s the big deal if it doesn’t hurt someone in some way? But it does…it hurts YOU. By creating a false image of, let’s say what truly makes you happy, you are forcing out reality and instead scripting a fairy tale that does not truly exist.  For example, if you hate your job but tell yourself every day that you love it, then you are piling on so many layers of added stress and anxiety to your existence by that very lie. You are holding yourself back from your true potential because you are not allowing yourself to break free and create a reality that is an actual truth.

My words may seem confusing because this isn’t a simple problem we can fix. When we lie to ourselves we think we are somehow protecting ourselves from the truth, as if the truth is something we cannot handle. We CAN handle the truth, but we may NOT want to hear it. By lying we further submerge ourselves into our own issues and problems. If you are in a bad relationship but keep telling yourself it will get better, you aren’t helping yourself at all. Instead, you’re making things worse. You have to value yourself enough to tell yourself the truth. If you are living an unhealthy lifestyle but continue to tell yourself that you’ll change yet you never take the steps to change, then you’re lying to yourself and you will continue to spiral out of control.

We lie to ourselves in order to somehow “protect” ourselves. The fear of what may be on the other side of the lie paralyzes us and we stand frozen in the quicksand of our lies. Don’t we teach kids not to lie? Don’t we tell them that the truth, no matter how bad, is always better than a lie? So why as adults do we not follow that same moral guidance? Why do we allow ourselves to hurt ourselves and others by continuing to lie? Simply put – it’s easier to lie. We are creatures of habit and once we realize how simple it is to lie to ourselves, how simple it is to bury the truth, how simple it is to repeat the lie, we will continue down that path.

I challenge you to tell yourself a truth that you need to hear. I challenge you to take a chance on yourself and repeat a truth instead of a lie. It may seem like a small thing to you now, but once you get in the habit of being honest with yourself you will be less likely to spin future lies about who you are and what you are about. Stand in your truth. Bask in its iridescent glow. And live your truth so that others will see it and be amazed.

Invisible Pain

We all experience different types of pain – emotional, physical, spiritual, mental.  The way it affects us is never the same as it often manifests in many different forms.  Sometimes the pain comes and goes, sometimes it lingers, sometimes it leaves a dark shadow over our daily existence.  How each of us deals with this pain may differ, but one thing is for certain: how we overcome that pain is never easy, yet it is always possible.  The recipe for trying to overcome that pain is the same, to a certain extent: personal validation, personal strength, and asking for help when needed. By no means will we overcome the pain without any lingering scars, but we can come out of that period of darkness as a newer version of ourselves.

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Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

When the pain is invisible –  emotional abuse, physical pain with unknown origin, spiritual misgivings, depression/anxiety – we often feel alone, misunderstood, confused, and scared.  It soon takes over our lives and we begin to feel hopeless, unable to find a way to express just how we are feeling.  When that pain is not easily categorized, diagnosed, or understood we go through many emotions that range in significance to our daily existence.  And sometimes existing is all we can do.  We begin to live life without any purpose because it hurts too much to do anything more than to just breathe.  We lose our drive to find the light at the end of our turbulent tunnel.  Instead, we turn to things that help us to lose sight of our pain, to numb ourselves from the inside out – drugs and alcohol, shutting out friends and family, food binging or starvation to name a few.

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Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com

But there will come a day when our existence WON’T be painful, our thoughts WON’T be dark and disturbed, our emotions WON’T be used against us.  In order to get to that state of existence, though, we must first validate that we are GOOD enough to be alive, that we POSESS the necessary strength to see better days, and that we can ASK for help from those in our lives.  We are all worthy of living fulfilling lives, we are all worthy of enjoying the sunshine, we are all worthy of being our best selves.  At the same time, we will not always feel 100% ourselves but if we know our own worth and fight for ourselves every day, then we will get through the pain, we will get stronger with each passing day and we will be the best versions of ourselves, both inside and out.

Do Something out of Your Comfort Zone

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We hear it all the time, “try something new…try something unexpected.” Yet more often than not, we don’t go down the unknown path, we don’t venture past the comforts of our daily existence. But why is that? What are we so afraid of that keeps us from being adventurous in this life of ours?

Perhaps the fear of failure keeps us from trying new things. Or the fear of embarrassment hinders us from learning a new trick or taking on a new hobby. What other people think or say often deters us from thinking creatively for ourselves. We tend to go with what seems “normal” or “commonplace” for ourselves so as to not draw unwanted attention toward our existence.

When we were young we were full of wonder, full of investigative tendencies but as we aged we lost sight of adventure and excitement. We became predictable and rigid. We allowed what other people thought, what other people described as acceptable, to guide our course. And with time, we lost our ability to try new things without fear of judgement by others.

By throwing caution to the wind and trying something completely out of our comfort zone we allow ourselves to be free of societal shackles and instead be full of life and excitement and pure joy. Maybe it’s as small as trying a new workout, or eating at a new restaurant, or going dancing with friends- or it’s something much bigger like moving to a new city or dating someone who isn’t your same ethnicity or religion. By allowing ourselves the opportunity to “walk on the wild side” we will embark on potentially life altering and life electrifying experiences- ones that will teach us far more than any book or class or podcast will ever do.

So, what one thing will you do tomorrow or next week that is completely outside of your comfort zone?

Do you Have the Courage to be Vulnerable?

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Being vulnerable is never easy, nor does it come naturally to most of us. Webster’s dictionary defines the word ‘vulnerable’ as: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; or open to attack or damage. The definition itself is scary and probably makes most of us NOT want to be vulnerable because honestly, why would we want to open ourselves up to that type of pain? Why would we want to subject ourselves to added scrutiny, added judgment, added personal attacks? Easily said, we don’t.

But, sometimes being vulnerable is what allows us to grow as an individual. It allows us to see what we can become, allows us to develop and move past any self insecurities that we may have about ourselves. Now I’m not saying it’s easy by any means, but by being courageous enough to be vulnerable we allow ourselves to try new things, think about things differently, grow stronger in ways we never thought possible.

I had a conversation with a dear, dear friend of mine a little while ago and she is the one who mentioned being courageous enough to be vulnerable. She was going through a tough time and found herself struggling with something that highlighted her own personal vulnerability. The amazing thing, though, was as we spoke about what she was going through, it helped her to realize that her situation wasn’t something specific to only her…it wasn’t something to be afraid of or ashamed of, because it was something I too had gone through and so had others that we both know. But had she not shared with me her vulnerability she would never have known that I could help her and together we could help each other. Love you my friend! [image error]

If you think you’re the only one going through something difficult – depression, heartache, physical pain, work drama, family drama- please know that you aren’t. Be courageous enough to share your vulnerability with someone who is close to you because I guarantee that you’re NOT the only one going through it. By sharing your story, by being strong enough to share your pain, you’ll not only help yourself but you’ll most likely help someone else who is going through something similar.

Being courageous enough to be vulnerable may sound like a scary thing. But when you break it down, when you simplify the emotions that you are dealing with – sadness, jealousy, anger – you are more able to overcome and grow from the situation. You are allowing yourself to develop, to blossom, to grow. It won’t be easy and there will be many scars along the way, but in the end, it will make you a better version of yourself. You just have to be willing to take that first step. So, are you willing to be courageous enough to be vulnerable?

Stop Being Your Own Worst Critic

It has been said time and time again that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I agree with this statement, yet constantly have to remind myself that beauty is defined differently by different people.  Anyone can say that you are pretty or ugly or skinny or fat…but when that person is yourself, then you are in trouble.  Self reflection, self acceptance, self worth all starts with the same thing – yourself.  Yet we are often the most critical of our own appearance, worth, strengths, qualities, you name it.  And our beliefs are often reflections of how we treat ourselves, how we doubt ourselves, how we tear ourselves down, over and over again.  I am a perfect example of exactly this phenomenon.

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Take this photo for example.  I would have asked my photographer (Leksi Sterritt by the way, look her up on IG @leksisterritt) to have edited out my fat rolls, which the normal person may not have even seen.  But those were the first thing that I noticed.  I like to pride myself on being fit and healthy and an avid gym goer, but this photo forced me to question whether or not I really was that person.  Insert eye roll…I know, I know.  Scroll back to the top of this blog and re-read the headline! I am definitely my own worst critic.  I see flaws in nearly everything that I am, I see a lack of self confidence and a lack of self belief in myself and in all that I do. I see abnormalities that don’t even exist.  I see failure instead of success if my entire goal was not met for whatever it was that I had set out to accomplish.  I imagine many of you feel the same way as well.

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If we step back from our own insecurities, our own self doubts, our own ideals of perfection than maybe we can truly see ourselves for what we are: perfectly imperfect, “flaws” and all.  We are amazing individuals in so many ways, ways that others see in us daily that we must begin to see in ourselves.  Once we learn to love ourselves we can learn to love who we are and what we bring to the table.  We are all beautiful, loving, and kind souls who have so much to offer.  Our uniqueness is what makes us special.  Our differences are what set us apart.  And until we can individually accept ourselves for who we are then we will never accept others for who they are.  Let’s start working on loving who we are now and working towards who we want to be in the future.  It all starts with one thing: YOU.  Are you ready to start accepting who you are, “flaws” and all?

Being a Parent is HARD

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For my friends who are parents, please pat yourselves on the back for a job well done.  Seriously, open up the champagne and break out the fine china because you truly DESERVE it.  If you didn’t lose, body slam, or go to the ER with your child today, then you are WINNING at this thing called parenting.  It isn’t easy and we don’t talk about it enough…or ever for that matter.  Too often we see images of perfect moms and dads, read books about the joys of parenting, watch movies about amazing parents and yet, that is NOT what reality is for the millions of us actual parents out there.  And too often we are afraid to talk about how difficult parenting is, how stressful parenting is, how NOT fun parenting is.  Don’t get me wrong, being a parent is awesome and all, but it also ISN’T awesome at times and that’s OK.

I have two young boys who occupy a lot of time and energy.  They are smart and funny, kind and loving, athletic and full of potential.  I love them, care for them, and protect them as if my own life depends on their very existence.  But I also have moments where I want to run and hide, cry and shout, escape and never return.  And I am sure that others out there feel the same way.  I am here today to say that that is OK.  It doesn’t make you any less of a parent to need time for yourself, it doesn’t make you any less of a parent to not want to parent for the day.  I’ve done it.  I’ve gone on strike and refused to do any parenting (within reasonable limits of course – no child was left unattended or unsupervised!) before and my children have survived.  Sure they had cereal for dinner and packed crackers for their school snack, but they’re still alive and kicking.  And they don’t love me any less as a mom.

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Society puts so much pressure on being the best parent that we often forget that being perfect is impossible.  We forget that we are human and are filled with emotion.  We don’t want to accept the fact that sometimes we just need some peace and quiet, sometimes we need alone time, sometimes we need to NOT be around our children.  Kids bring extreme joy and happiness to our lives, but in all honesty, they also bring about stress.  We as parents need an outlet for that stress (and the fear of the unknown).  Whether it’s a night out with the girls, a long hot bath uninterrupted, a call with a girlfriend to talk about nothing, or a few hours at the gym, then DO IT.  Stop feeling guilty for taking time for yourself.  Your children will thank you for it because it will give you the reprieve you needed and then you’ll be recharged and ready to play or laugh or cuddle.  Remember this: if you aren’t properly taking care of yourself then there is no way you can properly care for your children.  Don’t sacrifice everything that you are or you’ll never be able to live up to the title of PARENT.  We are all imperfect, yet we are PERFECT for our own flesh and blood.  And they love us unconditionally.  So, take that final swig of champagne, hit the hay, and wake up tomorrow knowing that you are a superhero in the eyes of your children.  You got this!