Rania Mallouk's Blog, page 3

A Letter to My Boys

To my boys –

My how much you have grown: from infants clinging dependently to my chest, to toddlers firmly holding my pinky, to young boys now fleetingly wrapping your arms around my waist.  Though the time with you both has moved quicker then I care to mention, I wouldn’t change any of it even if I could.  The secrets, the giggles, the full blown dance parties are like fireflies in my eyes, dancing from dawn till dusk, preserving every possible memory that we have already made together.  And though I know you will soon want to hang out less, tell me less, I know that you will always need me (even if you won’t admit it), and I will always need you.  But the time will soon come where you will go out into the world on your own, and because of that, I have a few pearls of wisdom I want to impart on you while I still can:

Always know where home is, and don’t be afraid to return – though you may not want to, you may need to
Always love with an open heart and an open mind – even when you have been hurt
Always treat people with respect  – you are no better than anyone else in this world
Always show kindness – you never know what someone else may be going through
Always act with humility – your actions will always speak louder than your words
Always give of yourself when you can – helping others will never go out of style
Always give credit where credit is due – give praise to those who deserve it the most
Always ask for forgiveness when you have done wrong – your heart will thank you
Always be truthful – lies have a way of resurfacing when you least expect them to
Always treat others like you want to be treated – people are different, their uniqueness is what makes the world special
Always have fun – it will forever keep you young

I will forever love you and you will forever have my heart.  Promise me that you will go out into the world with an open mind, a loving heart, and a lively soul.  Be kind to others, be open and inviting to different thoughts and opinions, and realize that not all walks of life are the same, and that is ok, just know that one walk of life is not better than another.  We are all here to leave our footprint in the sand, make sure that the legacy you leave behind will be for the better of those who are yet to come. I love you forever and always.

–Mom

Dream Chaser or Dream Sabotager?

We’ve all heard it before – if you dream it, chase it.  But how many of us actually take the time to put forth the effort to go after our dreams?  To sacrifice other things in our life so that we can dedicate our energy, passions, and never ending commitment to what is required to achieve our goals and dreams in life? How many of us stay focused, stay driven, stay hungry for our dreams, especially when we face failure and obstacles over and over again?  Chasing our dreams is not an easy endeavor, it is not for the faint of heart.  It takes determination, dedication, thick skin.  The pursuit itself can cause heartache, pain, and loss – in the form of critics, personal attacks, and possible loss of friendships.  So I ask you this: are you a dream chaser or a dream sabotager?

What is a goal that you have for yourself?  Either personal, professional, or for your family?  Have you written it down?  Have you thought out the necessary steps it will take to accomplish your goal?  Do you track the milestones as you hit them?  Do you stay true to your vision or do you change it along the way based on what people tell you or criticize you?  Are you willing to put other things on hold as you chase your pot of gold?  Are you committed to the cause?  Committed to ignoring the naysayers as you continue to climb toward your full potential?  Is your goal what drives you, what fuels you, what pushes you through the long days and endless nights as you strive to overcome the bumps and bruises you endure along the way?

Dreams take time, they must be nurtured, they must be loved.  If you cannot commit your entire being – your heart, mind and soul – then I must tell you, you will NOT achieve what you desire.  You must NOT be willing to sacrifice your time and energy for mundane, every day things so that you can stay focused on your golden ticket – because then, and only then, will you deserve and achieve what you are chasing.

I can talk freely about this topic because I can honestly say that I have failed in many pursuits of my dreams because I didn’t put forth the proper commitment to seeing them through.  I didn’t take the time to plan out my journey, to ignore the “noise” around me telling me I wouldn’t accomplish what I was setting out to create for myself.  But once I learned how to shut down the haters, learned how to tune into myself and not pay attention to what was going wrong at the moment, learned how to plan out my day so that I gave the proper amount of time to bettering myself and growing closer to my goal, I was able to envision myself not only chasing my goal but REALIZING my goal.  The feelings I encountered were immense and nearly paralyzing.  I finally understood that I was GOOD enough, STRONG enough, DEDICATED enough to realize my full potential.

For me, those moments came to fruition when I published my books, when I competed in a fitness competition, when I got promoted at work, when my children hugged me and told me I was the best mom ever.  Everyone’s goals are different – in meaning, importance, you name it.  So I ask you: what are your goals and how are you setting out to achieve them?

Finding Time for YOU

[image error]

We live in a busy world, one filled with an insane amount of distractions.  It’s no wonder we are a society filled with stress, anxiety and depression.  Everyday we are bombarded with noise – work, family, society – and too often we are unable to disconnect, to find peace and solitude in the quiet inner workings of our minds.  Being truly present has become increasingly more and more difficult as we multi-task and attempt to survive a lifestyle that has become too noisy, too demanding, too hectic for our own good.

How then, do we find time to be still with our own thoughts?  To find peace with silence? To find comfort in the lack of movement?  It is as though we have been trained to constantly be on the move, constantly be involved in too many things, constantly be a part of every event going on around us.  We have taught ourselves that in order to find happiness we must be the best, do the best, give our best at every second of every day.  Sadly, this measure of who we are as a person has left too many of us overworked, overstretched, and overly stressed.  It has also taken away the notion of being alone, of being comfortable in being alone.  Spending time with ourselves has become taboo, it has become a selfish act that too many of us overlook and discard as though it is unneeded.  But I beg to differ.  I say that we are doing a disservice to OURSELVES and each other by NOT taking the time to be alone, to self-discover who we are.

[image error]

By taking the time to reconnect with ourselves, we are able to quiet the noise in our heads, silence the inner voice of discontentment in our hearts, and mute the static of everything else around us.  Whether our alone time is found in the form of prayer, meditation, fitness, etc we must use that time to clear the clutter, to reconnect with ourselves and allow our minds, hearts and souls to find peace with who we are.  WE must turn a blind eye and deaf ear to the sounds of the world for just a little while so that we may recenter ourselves and regain our equilibrium.  If we do not attempt to do this for ourselves, how then, can we find the strength and determination to help those around us?  How do we become a better person for not only ourselves but those in our lives if we are not comfortable and accepting of who we are as individuals first and foremost?

 

It isn’t selfish to take time for yourself.  On the contrary, if you don’t take time for yourself what good will you be for others?  Remember when you are on an airplane and the safety video tells you to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before helping another in need?  Well, think about it, if you aren’t getting the air you need to stay alive, how in the world could you possibly help someone else get the air they need to survive?  As a mother, wife, daughter, friend, you name it, we are only as good to one another as we are to ourselves.  Their is no guilt or shame in finding time for you.  Don’t be a martyr and give all of yourself to those around you because if you do, then you’ll have nothing left for yourself.  Take the time to find you, whether that is a five minute morning prayer or an hour at the gym, make the time to take care of yourself and not someone else.  When you are strong, those around you feel your strength.  When you are at peace, those around you feel your peace.  And when you are centered, those around you feel your centeredness. The same is for the opposite.  So, I leave you with one question – are you good at finding time for yourself so that others will benefit from it also?

What’s your life purpose?

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself this question a million times. Exactly what were you put on this earth to do? Who are you supposed to be? And I’m sure the answer has escaped you time and time again. Believe me, you are not alone. This is the hardest question for us to answer, and it often takes a lifetime to figure it out.

I wish I had an easy answer, a simple equation we could use to find the answer to this head scratching question. But I don’t. And neither does anyone else. The only advice I can give is to find something you are passionate about, something you love doing so much that when you do it you are at complete peace and filled with abundant joy.

It may take years to find the answer you are looking for and it may seem like an impossible task. I still haven’t found my purpose and I look for it daily! But the biggest threat to finding this inner peace is giving up hope. We cannot give in to the overwhelming desire to throw our hands up in the air, to wave the proverbial white flag. We must persevere each and every day in this ultimate pursuit of happiness.

It seems like some people know their purpose from the moment they were born. And I greatly envy them because they seem to have what I have been looking for all my life. But then I remember- we each have a different path to walk in this lifetime. Some of us will find our joys through helping others, while some of us will find our joys through the life we lead on a daily basis. Whichever path we choose must be the right path for ourselves. We cannot judge ourselves against the paths and journeys of those around us. For what is important and valuable to us may not be the same for those we are comparing ourselves to. And, we cannot compare our chapter one to someone’s chapter thirteen. Life doesn’t work that way.

So, what then? What now? I say continue shaping your life around the people and things you love, the people and things who bring you joy and happiness. From that energy you will find your passion and purpose in life and you will feel all of it’s positive energy from your head to your toes. It won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight but if you keep the faith, then it will happen when the time is right.

Moms can Have it All

[image error]Females of my generation (and earlier) grew up on the notion that one day they would get married and have kids. They didn’t often hear that they could also develop and maintain successful careers, be into fashion, or workout at the gym daily all while raising children and being in a healthy and committed relationship. Furthermore, cultural values and traditions often highlighted the typical female roles as being: a loving wife, a nurturer of her children, and a staunch supporter of the OVERALL family well-being over and above that of the individual goals and aspirations of the Mom herself. Thankfully times are changing – whether or not the mindsets of the individuals around us have changed or not is irrelevant- there will always be those who think a woman’s place is only in the kitchen tending to her family. This is not an article to pit working moms against stay at home moms, nor is it to highlight that one “type” of mom is “better” then another – it is to inspire and help women realize that it is OK to be a mom AND still have a life and have other joys outside of being a mom to their children.

[image error]

I’m a firm believer that Moms today can wear many hats and can become many things, in addition to holding the amazing title of “Mom.” Moms can be #fashionmoms, #fitmoms, #workingmoms, #funmoms, and so much more. We are only limited by what we deem not “appropriate” for ourselves simply because we have children. The choices we make should be in alignment with our personal goals, morals, and inner compass. Yes, we have a family and decisions should be discussed as a unit, but we should not allow the title of MOM to hold us back from the things we are passionate about in life.

If you are a working mom, help educate your children about why you like to work and what the benefits of your job are- both personally and professionally. Be a role model to your children, showing them that if they put their minds to something, that they too can be successful and driven. Also explain that it’s ok for Mom to miss some school events or sporting events – that she’s always there in spirit. Help them become independent. Help them understand that both men and women have an equal desire to be in the workforce and that that’s ok.

If you’re a mom who enjoys working out and wearing fashionable clothing, that’s great too! Just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you don’t deserve time to yourself to go to the gym nor does it mean you have to wear sweats and tee shirts because you’re running all over town shuttling kids from practice to practice. Taking time for yourself to stay fit is necessary to succeed at all the other demanding responsibilities you have in your life. Schedule time for the gym like you would a teacher inservice – you wouldn’t skip that, would you? Stop short-changing your health and fitness because you don’t have time- make time. It can be as simple as doing sit-ups and pushups in front of the tv during a commercial or by going walking with the family dog and your kids. Outside of fitness, don’t forget you were once 20 and wore clothing that actually fit you and showed off your curves. Now isn’t the time to forget about date night, or girls night out. Your children will survive if you leave them at home with a sitter. They will survive seeing their mom dressed up, in heels and with makeup. They may not recognize you, but they’ll figure it out.

[image error]

We as moms must stop letting the pressures of being a perfect parent stress us out, stop making us question everything we do every second of the day. Do we see dads doing that? We as women must realize that we are people, too, with real needs to be ourselves at times. No one is perfect and we need to be ok with that. We need to embrace who we are as individuals so that we can coexist with our title of “mom.” Remember, you were “you” before becoming “mom.”

Galas, Fundraisers, and Proms galore…Finding the Right Dress for your Special Occasion

[image error]It seems to be that time of year, when fundraisers, charity auctions, and high school proms are in full effect.  No matter the occasion, finding the perfect dress that complements your figure is a daunting task for each and every female I know.  Whether it is a fitted dress, a strapless dress, a mini or full length dress, there are a few key elements to look for when shopping for just the right ensemble.  Patience (and a full belly) is key, as you may have to try on one after another, but I promise if you take the time to understand what works best for you and your curves, your height, and your overall build, then I guarantee you’ll find the right gown for your needs.

With this dress, it is all about color and sparkle.  Find a jewel tone that complements your skin tone and hair color and have fun with it.  With or without jewels, this one shouldered dress plays off of your figure and works well for individuals who are on the taller side as the train can be a bit of an issue (unless of course you can rock tall heels, then anyone can pull this off!). When shopping for a fitted dress, find one that doesn’t make it impossible to breath…going up a size is better then dying, remember that my friends.  Also, this dress has some boning as it is what creates the shape for the individual wearing it.  IF you are looking for something to give you a bit of shape, this type of dress gives you just that.  But be patient as you will have to try on different cuts to find the one that fits your shape and complements your curves – or helps create curves if you have more of a straight figure.  Seeing as though this type of dress has a lot going on, I would recommend keeping the jewelry simple so as to not steal away from the gown.  Hair and make-up can be done in numerous ways so feel free to play around with what you like.

[image error]

For women looking to find a dress that may hide unfavorable parts of their body or simply skims their actual curves, then look for a dress that shifts, one that lacks “boning” so that it allows for your figure to have room to “breathe.”  Adding geometrical shapes that are not overwhelming also helps in hiding so called “trouble” spots.  And, if you are looking to add some girth to your hips, bottom, or overall size then this type of dress works well for you also.  It’s like a chameleon, taking on the shape of the woman within the dress.  Plus, it allows for you to actually eat and stay comfortable all night as there is no extreme tightness or shape other then the true curves of your own body.  Lastly, for those with nicely toned arms and shoulders the strapless cut allows for your physique to be on full display! As for hair, this type of dress allows for either an updo or a simply- styled relaxed look.  Play with your jewelry, as necklaces can be worn, yet not needed and earrings that are long and dangly pair nicely as well.  Some simple bangles work also if you’d like to add in additional accessories.

[image error]For my friends looking for a classy and elegant look, then try something in black with simple beading.  You become the showstopper as your dress showcases YOU the entire night.  Once again, the floor length appeal works for all heights, simply have the dress altered if it is too long, or if you love heels like me, then pull out your stilettos and hit the dance floor.  If black isn’t your color, then look for another deep hued dress and go with what works for you…blues, greens, you name it.  This silhouette is similar to the one above except for the fact that the lack of a print makes it more versatile and pairs well with all types of body shapes – those with curves as well as those without. As for accessories, little is better then a lot.  Dangling earrings or chandelier earrings would pair well with hair up or down.  Keeping the neck and wrists bare allow for the dress to hold center stage so feel free to skimp on the accessories.

Whatever the occasion may be, always remember to wear what makes you feel like a queen.  Finding a dress can be daunting and time consuming, but it can also be fun and exciting.  Look for dresses that you may not otherwise wear, try on a bold color or a funky pattern just to step out of your comfort zone.  There are so many shapes and sizes that should be celebrated and not hidden – but you have to be comfortable and confident in yourself for your internal beauty to show through your clothes.  Let your inner princess out, I guarantee you’ll have way more fun!

Dear Depression…

[image error]Dear Depression,

You are a chameleon of utmost proportion.  One day you’re a friendly smile and the next an evil frown.  You have the power to turn light into darkness even as the sun shines brightly overhead.  Your breath turns a friendly laugh into tears of sorrow while your ironclad grip on one’s life and on their very existence is methodical and without remorse.

The toughest part of dealing with you is that you work in disguise – no one can physically see you, but they can feel you within the depths of their souls.  You suck the life out of your victims and cause them so much pain and agony.  And the toughest part is that they often can’t explain to others what is going on in their head, heart, or body and so they feel as though no one understands what they are going through or they can’t explain what it is that they are feeling or thinking or experiencing and they begin to lose hope.

Even worse is that you have different approaches for all of your conquests and your victims come from all walks of life, not sharing race, gender, ethnicity, age or economic status.  You don’t care what the individual looks like or what is going on in their life – you strike as you see fit.  And you attack in many different ways: fast and furious, slow and over time, or come and go.  You relish in the fact that people often suffer in silence, often afraid (or sometimes ashamed) of sharing their journey with another.

But your time has come.  Voices are rising against your evil ways and they are here to help.  We can no longer allow you to hold your spell over those we know and love, as well as those we may not know but are aware of their struggles.  We must work to help one another deal with the blindness you create, by building a world of understanding and compassion.  For those who are suffering from your delibitating ways, I want to say one thing: it will get better and you can get help.  You don’t have to suffer in silence but you must break through the fear of sharing your pain.  It WILL get easier with time even if it seems impossible.  You will be able to breath again, love again, live again.  But it will take time and there will be moments of darkness that feel overwhelming.  You are worth fighting for and your friends, families, and even strangers are here to help, here to remind you of how important you are and how life itself is worth fighting for.  Depression is an ugly fact of life that can strike at any moment, but it is in how you fight back that will bring you the peace you are praying for.

If you find yourself suffering either silently or openly with depression or mental health issues, know that you are not alone.  Millions of individuals are held captive by this unwavering evil force.  Please seek out help.  Talk with a friend or family member, visit with a therapist, join a support group – anything that will help you learn how to deal with and cope with depression.  Know that you are worth fighting for and ask for help in that fight – don’t try to do it alone, and don’t be embarrassed to ask for help.  And when you start to get the help that you need, and start to have a glimmer of hope return to your life, your days will grow brighter and you will grow stronger, believe me, I know.  You will begin to live life again and start to see joy in the littlest of things.  It will take time and there will be stumbles along the way, but if you continue to face down your challenges and put importance upon your own self-worth, then you will find yourself again and you will learn to live again.  Just remember: you are worth fighting for.

Why Fitness is my “Drug” of Choice

[image error]

Our lives are full of so many things that pull us in a million different directions – family, friends, work, and hobbies to name a few.  Hectic schedules and competing demands create stress and cause both physical and emotional tolls on our bodies, not to mention our minds.  To combat the negative undertones of our daily routines, we must find ways to overcome the negative side effects of what we call life.  For some, that may amount to a full glass of wine at the end of the night while for others it may be comfort foods or a good hour or so of tv or even reading.  For me, it is fitness in all of its different forms – the gym, yoga, dancing, you name it. I have found that the gym brings me mental clarity and peace, both of which are needed when you are a busy working mom of two young boys.

I would be lying if I said that our lives are constantly on the up and up and that there are never moments of darkness or sadness.  But let’s be honest, we all know that that isn’t true.  Life is full of ups and downs, joys and sorrows, stress and tranquility.  Harmony in our existence has both a yin and a yang.  It is all about how you cope with the roller coaster of life that either makes you happy or sad, stressed or chill.  And as we get older, sometimes the things we turn to to find that balance is either good or bad for us. I recommend that you find a good habit to turn to, but what that habit entails is completely up to you.  I won’t push my “drug” of choice on you, but I will vouch for it and share my opinion as to why I turn to it for moments of “me-time” and the benefits it has brought to my life.

Growing up as a child, we were often full of energy, constantly on the go, constantly playing with friends or ourselves.  We laughed often, smiled constantly, and found joy in the littlest of things.  We were constantly on the move, so much so that our parents would often ask us to calm down.  However, as we have aged, we often lost some of that spunk, some of that energy, some of that vibrancy.  Why not reclaim some of that joy in the form of fitness where we can grow physically and mentally?  Where we can be confident in knowing that we are doing something good for our mind, heart, soul and body?

[image error]

Working out has become a passion of mine.  It allows me to reconnect with myself, to push the “mute” button on everything else that is going on in my life.  My brain is able to turn off the outside noise (though some days it doesn’t do it so well) and simply focus on the task at hand.  Pushing myself physically has taught me just how strong and capable my body and mind are when put to the test.  I have learned how to use my physical strength as an asset – for example, on those days where nothing seems to be going my way, whether at work or with my kids, I can go to the gym and “run it out” or “rep it out” thereby pushing some of those negative toxins out of my body.  By the time I am done, I have increased the positive vibes in my system and have a clearer mindset for the rest of my day.  In all honesty, have you ever left the gym after a workout and regretted it (forget those days where you are sore or tired!)?

Furthermore, the physical and physiological changes my body has taken on from my workouts has further compounded my desire to remain physically fit.  Playing with my kids, coaching their basketball teams, feeling full of energy are just a few of the “side effects” of my “drug” of choice.  Self-confidence and self-awareness have also been a by-product of my alone time.  My health has also greatly improved and my level of engagement at work and at home is off the charts.  The only negatives I have endured from this “crazy hobby” as some may call it, is feeling sore some days!  Other then that, I never leave the gym and think to myself, “what a waste of time.”  Quite the opposite is true – I always leave the gym happy with myself and ready to conquer the day.

Whatever your outlet of choice is, ask yourself the following questions: does it make you feel good, mentally and physically? does it de-stress your life, or does it yo-yo with your emotions? does it bring you a feeling of self-pride and accomplishment? would you recommend it to someone else that you love and respect? Hopefully you answered yes to all of the questions, because if you did, then congratulations, you have found something to help you counter the negative effects of the stress we deal with on a daily basis.  Keep it up and I hope you continue to see the fruits of your labor!

Here’s to being a Flexitarian/Vegetarian in 2018!

So, who had to look up what the term flexitarian meant? It’s ok, you can be honest, I won’t hold it against you.  At first I wasn’t sure what it was either so I took the time to learn more about it and what it entailed.  Simply put, you get to be a flexible vegetarian, meaning you can add in fish, or eggs, or meat as you want because you are “flexible” with your eating.  Make sense?

[image error]

Why have I decided to take this less traveled, less preferred route of eating?  Or as my mom would say, “crazy, not normal” path of nourishment (love ya, Mom!).  There are a few key reasons as to why I have finally decided to try my hand at eating more along the lines of an herbivore versus that of a carnivore.  First of all, why not?  I am a big believer in trying new things and this was something I had tried in the past but had failed at doing correctly (meaning I didn’t eat enough and simply just got skinny for lack of sufficient caloric intake).  Secondly, I was constantly feeling bloated and uncomfortable after eating meals comprised mainly of meat/chicken/etc.  And lastly, after learning more about how our meat is processed and how it is negatively affecting our environment (this is for another conversation all together, but there are plenty of documentaries out there you can watch…What the Health on Netflix is one), I knew it was time to try something new.

[image error]

I am not one to stand on a soapbox and demand that others listen to what I see as “right” or “correct,” so please don’t take this post as an assault on your current eating regimen.  I am simply sharing my journey and why I am enjoying the benefits of an animal-free (for the most part) diet. The most frequent question I get is: aren’t you constantly hungry/not getting enough protein? In the beginning I was often hungry because I wasn’t eating enough.  With veggies and grains being the main staple of my diet, I had to eat more of them to get enough vitamins, nutrients, and calories to quench my hunger as well as to provide me with enough fuel to survive my daily workouts.  By cutting out animal protein (though I still do eat fish and eggs) I had to find plant-based/grain-based options to replace it, and believe me, there were plenty of sources available (quinoa, kale, zucchini, seeds, legumes, etc).  The nice thing about eating clean as I call it, is the lack of bloating, feeling heavy, and constantly being tired.  By cutting out red meat and chicken I not only feel lighter and cleaner but I am sleeping better and I have tons of energy.  Now, I am not a doctor so I cannot scientifically say that my diet is causing all these positive changes in my life, but I can say that personally these simple changes to my diet has led to many positive improvements in my life.  Don’t just take my word for it, try it out for yourself and let me know what your thoughts are and whether or not you feel the same way.

[image error]

How exactly do I eat and what do I do to keep my energy level up? It’s simple, just eat MORE, not less.  For breakfast I will have one egg/three egg whites scrambled with spinach along with a side of oatmeal mixed with peanut butter and chia seeds.  A snack may follow with things such as a protein smoothie, a banana with peanut butter, or some Larabar balls (they’re delicious and made of only a few key ingredients).  Lunch will be either a large salad with everything imaginable tossed into it, some veggie patties with avocado and hummus, and an entire side of broccoli (frozen veggies are a lifesaver – just make sure the only thing listed in the ingredients is the vegetable itself, with no added sodium…this is a cheap and easy alternative to buying fresh produce).  For dinner I may have fish or grilled falafel or spinach cakes (many recipes are available online…two websites I really like that have a lot of vegetarian options are 100 Days of Real Food and Jamie Oliver’s site).  The options are limitless to say the least.  The belief that you have to eat meat in order to get enough protein is nearly as crazy as the need to drink milk to get enough calcium.  There are other ways to get them both yet we tend to take the “easy” way out and go with our societal image of what our food plates should look like.  As with everything in life, find what works best for you, but don’t be afraid to take the road less traveled.  I believe you may just find yourself liking the way you feel and the way your body functions.  Try it for yourself and let me know how it goes!

Why the Conversation around Sexual Equality (and Misconduct) Needs to be a Movement and not just a Moment

I am certain that this title alone will cause many people – men and women – to roll their eyes, let out a groan, or simply mutter, “not another article on this topic.”  And that is exactly why writing about this polarizing issue has been something I have been hesitant to do.  Yet, the very reason as to why I am now putting my thoughts to paper is because if we do not continue the conversation then progress around this divisive issue will never occur, and not only is that a disservice to myself and other women (and men) around me, but it is also a disservice to the millions of young girls (and boys) growing up in today’s society.

Social injustice has occurred to millions of people based on their race, culture, ethnicity, age, religion – you name it – but never has there been a time (while I have been alive) where the voices of HALF OF THE POPULATION (versus a subset of the population) has risen to deafening cries.  Nor has there ever been a time where those voices were actually heard and brought to the forefront- and something is being done for it.  The fact that this is still an issue in today’s society is not a surprise.  I am not fooled by the mere fact that talking about it will make a difference, but I do believe that if we all educate ourselves around it and discuss HOW to stop it, then progress will continue to be made in this arena for BOTH men and women, as it is not an issue that only affects females.  It is a difficult discussion to have for many people, it is a difficult concept to grasp for many people, and it is a painful topic to discuss for many people – but that does not mean that we shouldn’t hold these conversations, that we shouldn’t allow for these conversations to happen, or that we should simply remain silent. It should be the very reason as to WHY we discuss it, in hopes that we will pave a clearer path and less daunting path for both men and women moving forward.

Without talking politics, or religion, or cultural ideas, we as a society have an issue around the concept of being either male or female.  And by this, I mean we tend to pit one sex against the other – whether in equality, sexuality, mentality, competency, etc. Furthermore, we often characterize the sexes based on certain qualities aligned to each sex, starting from birth: Male – tough, bold, protector; Female: nurturing, reasonable, loving.  Boys are given things that are considered “tough” – action figures, cars, video games while girls are given “girly” toys – kitchen sets, frilly dolls, stuffed animals because we ASSUME that boys should be tough and girls should not be…we create the image ourselves and so they grow to believe in these predefined gender roles (and to make it clear, I am not admonishing these things, I am simply using them to illustrate a point).  When playing pretend, boys are taught that it’s ok to be rough, to act like protectors while girls are taught to play gently, to not get dirty, to do “lady-like” things.  To take it a step further, ask yourself what chores you tend to give your daughters versus your sons?  Who is taught to do the laundry and who is taught to take out the trash?  It’s a simple task for either sex to do, but just take a minute to ponder who you would initially assign the chore to (and if you only have boys, or only girls, then does dad or mom do it instead and a different chore is assigned?).

Let’s take this thought a step further.  Let’s say those boys and girls are now functioning members of society as grown adults.  The discord between being male and female is still in full effect: men are considered to be leaders when moving up in corporate America, while women are often seen as bossy and are labeled negatively as prioritizing their careers over their family; men are seen as doctors while women are seen as nurses; men have magazines that celebrate their successes based on their intelligence and perseverance while women have magazines that celebrate their fashion sense and how to catch the perfect guy.  Furthermore, being female is in and of itself a double edged sword.  How many times have you heard that a female should “celebrate her curves”, “own her figure”?  Yet when they do (and this CAN be done without showing too much skin or wearing too tight of clothing), they are then told that they are being too sexy, that they are trying to get ahead based on their sex appeal.  You can’t have it both ways. First of all, being female is physically different then being male (duh, I know) but women shouldn’t be blamed for the sheer fact that they have curves, breasts, or a nice body.  How can a female be confident in her own skin yet at the same time be told not to be too flashy or to “ask for it” based on what she is wearing? Does anyone else see the hypocrisy in this?  How is it possible for a female to “own her curves” but then be blamed for another’s actions towards her self-confidence, as if it is her FAULT that another individual was unable to control themselves because said female was wearing a skirt and therefore “asking for it?”

Let’s put physical attributes aside and talk corporate knowledge and growth.  Females are just as skilled and capable as men in succeeding at all types of roles, industries, etc.  Yet if a male counterpart applies for a job that would require him to be away from home for a week or two at a time, no one questions his commitment to his family or how he would “handle” being away from his kids.  The same is not true for a woman.  And I know this from personal experience.  The first thing my female friends asked me when I applied for a temporary position that would have me in New York for a couple of weeks was “are you sure you want to be away from your kids, won’t you miss them?”  As if I was not aware of the fact that I would not be home and subsequently that my children would somehow be “hurt” in the short time period that I would be gone.  Even more daunting for most women in corporate America is the need to “balance it all.”  Meaning, females are often the ones who have to figure out how to manage work and family, often at the expense of their careers.  For example, a woman is less likely to take a promotion if it requires moving the family while the same is not true for a man. Also, if a chid is sick, the woman is often the one who leaves work to care for the child. (I understand these examples are for working moms, but they help to illustrate my point).  Lastly, sometimes we as females do not help our own cause.  For some reason we see each other as direct competition instead of as allies in furthering our own shared cause of having a seat at the table so to speak. You do not see this as much amongst our male counterparts.  Men do not make comments about other men “probably sleeping their way to the top” as women do about each other.  Why is this? Why do we tear each other down instead of building each other up based on our strengths, capabilities, etc?  We must learn to celebrate one another’s successes, not see them as a threat to one another.  The more women leaders that there are, the more our collective voice will be heard.  But if we ourselves do not have a unified voice, then what good does that do for any of us?  (and to be clear, whether or not you are a working mom, stay at home mom, or not even a mom, this applies to all of us and each of our roles are just as important – there isn’t one that is better then the other).

So, what do we do about all of this?  If you’ve stayed with me until now, I applaud you and thank you for your desire to continue this conversation.  This is definitely something that we need BOTH men and women to be a part of for it cannot be changed without both sexes fighting for a shared vision of change.  But please realize that I DO believe we have made progress, we have had brave men and women come forward to share their opinions, stories, and experiences.  We must continue to be open and honest with one another, we must not fear repercussion for sharing our ideas and beliefs around this movement.  WE cannot afford to do so as it will leave residual affects on the growing boys and girls in our world.  Personally speaking, I have fought the concept of being unable to do things simply because I was a girl since I was a child (my parents are well aware of this discussion!). I was labeled a “tomboy” simply because I would rather play outside and get dirty then play inside with Barbies and a playhouse.  Still to this day I argue with my dad (sorry, dad!) about being female and being able to do what any guy does!  I also have my own #MeToo story but in the end, it doesn’t matter whether we are MALE or FEMALE, it matters that we are all HUMAN.  We are all capable of being treated equally, fairly and respectfully.  No one ever “asks for it” – that is a cop out.  We are all responsible for our own actions and never should there be a time that we blame the victim of either assault or inequality.  We do not teach our children to be “responsible for another person’s action,” we teach them that “they are RESPONSIBLE for their OWN actions.” Furthermore, we do not teach young boys to expose themselves in front of young girls – if they do we PUNISH them.  So why now, do we forget the things we teach 5 and 6 year olds? Moving forward, we all need to be held accountable for bringing equality and change for the BETTERMENT of all humankind (and though this was an article about men and women, this concept can be vastly applied to all human beings).  We need to continue the conversation.  We need to continue to make it a MOVEMENT and not a moment – only then will we truly be heard and see change.