Brené Brown's Blog, page 26

i heart generosity day (with a giveaway, of course)

 

I love Generosity Day. The idea is simple: Let's reboot Valentine's Day as a day of "sharing love with everyone." You can read more about the origins of the movement here. 

I love this idea! For me it's really easy to forget about real love on Valentine's Day. When I was a tween and teen, the entire day was cringe-worthy. It was always about watching the popular girls get the crappy $1 roses sold at school. When I was was dating and first married to Steve I felt pressure to "get it right" which launched all of my shame gremlins.

As a mom it's about running to Target at 8PM on 2/13 to rummage through the picked-over cards.  As you can see, my perspective has been about how the day makes me feel. Where's the LOVE in that?

Here's the call to arms hearts:

"Give to people on the street.  Tip outrageously.  Help a stranger.  Write a note telling someone how much you appreciate them.  Smile.  Donate (more) to a cause that means a lot to you.  Take clothes to GoodWill.  Share your toys (grownups and kids).  Be patient with yourself and with others.  Replace the toilet paper in the bathroom.  All generous acts count!" 

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Radical Generosity?  I'm in.

My goal for tomorrow is to practice random acts of kindness all day. Last week I took Charlie to the neighborhood self-serve yogurt store and when I was checking out I asked the woman behind me to put her yogurt on the scale with Charlie's. She looked confused so I said, "My treat." We both got teary-eyed. It was awkward and vulnerable (people aren't used to kindness anymore), but worth it. It was connection.  

Last year I celebrated Generosity Day with a book giveaway. This year I'm giving away three beautiful blank journals from Anthropologie. They're my favorite journals for keeping gratitude lists. 

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Do something generous tomorrow - anything - and leave a comment telling us about it! I'll draw three names on Friday! You can also check out the Generosity Day Facebook page here.

sounds true: new adventures + a giveaway

To celebrate this new adventure I'm giving away two copies of The Power of Vulnerability and two copies of Men, Women, and Worthiness. Just leave your name in the comments section and tell us what you're grateful for today! 

Last year I said "yes" to a wonderful invitation from Sounds True.  I love the Sounds True Mission: We are an independent multimedia publishing company that finds teachers and artists who serve as a gateway to spiritual awakening. We produce, publish, and distribute their work with beauty, intelligence, and integrity. 

Their invitation was simple:

"You're passionate about your work. You're passionate about teaching. You're passionate about limiting your travel time away from your family. How would you like to create a six-hour class based on all three of your books and teach it in person. We'll take the content and create an audio CD and an online class?"

The answer was YES! 

Sounds True just released The Power of Vulnerability (6 hrs / 6 CDs) and Men, Women and Worthiness (2 hrs).

And here's what's really cool: You can download the audio or buy the CDs, and helping professionals can even get continuing education credits. 

And, if you want to do more than listen, we're launching our first online course next month. 

The great thing about this course is that you can do it on your own schedule! Of course, I think it would be really powerful to do it with a friend or a small group of friends.

The online course includes all of the following. 

Six 60-minute Video Learning Sessions
Two LIVE Video Q&A Sessions (Submit your questions during these live interactive sessions with Dr. Brené Brown on March 28 and April 11).
Written Instruction (We developed key questions for deeper reflection to help you uncover your own vulnerability triggers and areas of growth).
Interactive Online Forum (Join the online community with this forum for connecting to other course participants, asking questions, and sharing your own experiences).
Complete Downloads of All Course Materials (The entire program of The Power of Vulnerability Live with Brené Brown is yours to keep and enjoy).

Here are links for each of the offerings:

The Power of Vulnerability 6 CD Audio (with download and CEU options)

Men, Women and Worthiness 2 CD Audio (with download options)

The Power of Vulnerability Online Course

Again, to celebrate this new adventure I'm giving away two copies of The Power of Vulnerability and two copies of Men, Women, and Worthiness. Just leave your name in the comments section and tell us what you're grateful for today! 

And . . . one last thing. Thank you for all of the Super Soul Sunday love! It was the experience of a lifetime. I'll share more soon. 

standing in courage

I just got an email today from Liz Garcia, one of the amazing professionals going through our Connections Certification process.

During our national trainings we talk about shame being a "full contact" emotion. Shame doesn't just happen in our head or heart, we experience and hold it in our bodies. We always ask participants to identify where shame shows up for them. Liz shared, "In my feet because I use them to walk away from situations when I should stay." 

Liz, a courageous educator in Texas, has since gone back and shared the shame resilience work with colleagues. Recently they held  a "Power Statement Photo Shoot" where folks wrote a personalized power statement on a meaningful part of their bodies. 

Now they're tossing around the idea of having a gallery showing. Amazing! 

When I asked Liz if I could share the story and offered to make it anonymous, she said she knew all about the vulnerability hangover and was ready to practice some courage. 

I love this story and this photo. This is connection. This is resilience. This is Daring Greatly.

light, love and martin luther king, jr.

I used to turn to this quote in the midst of crisis or tragedy (or whenever I was in personal struggle). Now I realize that what started as shared wisdom has become my central prayer and a daily practice for me. 

Anger, judgment and blame are go-to emotions for me. This is especially true when I'm tired, anxious, or feeling vulnerable. When I'm not being mindful, I can try to overcome hate with hate. I can drop quickly into resentment and judgment. 

When there is darkness in the world, I can slip into the dark place. I can start rehearsing tragedy and let my fear take over. I can turn to blame even though I know that blaming is simply a way to discharge pain and discomfort and has nothing to do with holding people accountable.

This incredible wisdom from Martin Luther King has become a prayer to me because it is everything I believe about my faith. I want to stay in love when fear drives me to hate and judgement. I want to practice gratitude and cultivate joy in the darkness. That doesn't mean that I can't be afraid or sad or vulnerable, it simply means that reacting to tragedy by living in fear doesn't create empathy, it breeds more fear. 

Here's to love and light. As an imperfect practice. As a daring prayer. Thank you, Dr. King. 

creativity rocks.

These make me smile so I thought I'd share them with you. 

My friend Karen Walrond tweeted about this a couple of days ago. I love the ukulele and I love "Freeze Frame." This is genius! Read more about The Seattle Castaways here. 

This one has been a household favorite since a friend at NASA sent it to us. I love that Charlie now sings, "Hey, science lady" rather than "sexy lady." Houston REPRESENT! 

Have a creative and daring weekend! I'll be back Monday with information on a new class! 

If you subscribe to the blog via email, click here to watch the video. 

shame v. guilt

 

 

Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful - it's holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. 

I don't believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.

From Daring Greatly: 

I believe the differences between shame and guilt are critical in informing everything from the way we parent and engage in relationships, to the way we give feedback at work and school. 

From Daring Greatly

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A couple of weeks ago Steve McCready (a friend on Twitter) sent me a link to a from researcher Dan Ariely. I love Dan's work and highly recommend his book, The (Honest) Truth about Dishonestly. 

In a set of experiments, the researchers investigate a very subtle difference in language and labeling. They don't look at it through the shame/guilt lens so we may be evaluating different constructs, but I think it's very interesting (although counter to what I've found and believe).  

"In a series of three experiments, participants were given a chance to claim unearned money at the expense of the researchers.  There were two conditions in each experiment, and the only difference between them was in the wording of the instructions. In the first condition participants were told that researchers were interested in “how common cheating is on college campuses,” while in the second, they wondered “how common cheaters are on college campuses.

This is a subtle but, as it turned out, significant difference. Participants in the “cheating” condition claimed significantly more cash than those in the “cheater” condition, who, similar to when we tempted people who had sworn on the bible, did not cheat at all. This was true in both face-to-face and online interactions, indicating that relative anonymity cannot displace the implications of self-identifying as a cheater.  People may allow themselves to cheat sometimes, but not if it involves identifying themselves as Cheaters."

I believe that if we want meaningful, lasting change we need to get clear on the differences between shame and guilt and call for an end to shame as tool for change. That also means moving away from labeling. 

What do y'all think? What's been your experience? Could Dan's research tell us how to motivate better behavior while the findings about shame and guilt point to the danger of labeling in the process of changing behavior? Lots of good questions! I heart my job (and my grad students who push me).

ushering in 2013 with three new books (and a trip to Birmingham)

I'm back from a wonderful three week technology sabbatical! Key learnings from my computer-free time?  I missed the community-based connection (blog, Twitter, etc). I did not miss email one bit. 

I spent the holidays resting, playing, reading, and painting with my kids and parents. It was exactly what I needed. There are three books that totally grabbed my attention and I'd love to share them with y'all (and yes, those are my new reading glasses). 

Dan Pink and Seth Godin both have new books out and they're fascinating. 

Dan's new book, To Sell is Human: The Surprising Truth About Moving Others is an eye-opener. My first reaction was, "I'm not in sales and I don't even like being pitched - I'm not sure this is for me." I was wrong.

Dan writes, "We devote upwards of 40% of our time on the job to moving others - this is non-sales selling - it's cajoling and convincing others in ways that don't involve anyone making a purchase. And it is critical to our professional success." This makes so much sense to me - I think we all want to move others in some way. 

You can learn more about To Sell is Human here and check out the great trailer.

 

I probaby don't have to tell you how excited I was when I got this box in the mail:

And, let me tell you that the inside was as thought-provoking as the outside! Seth Godin's new book, The Icarus Deception: How High Will You Fly is all about courage, art, and why we need to fly a little closer to the sun. I love this:

Art isn't pretty.
Art isn't painting.
Art isn't something you hang on the wall.
Art might scare you.
Art might bust you.
But art is who we are and what we do and what we need.
Art isn't a result; it's a journey. The challenge of our time is to find a journey worthy of your heart and soul.

Need I say more? You can check out The Icarus Deception: How High Will You Fly here! 

 

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Seth's other new book is V is for Vulnerable: Life Outside the Comfort Zone. It's a full-color ABC book for grown-ups. It's full of powerful messages about doing great work. It highlights twenty-six of Seth Godin’s principles about treating your work as a form of art, with illustrations by cartoonist Hugh MacLeod. 

You know it makes me happy to see that V is for vulnerable and S is for shame! 

You can learn more about V is for Vulnerable here.
 

To celebrate 2013 and the possibility of more art, more vulnerability, and moving people, I'm giving away three sets of these books. Leave one of your favorite words in the comment section (e.g., A is for Awesome) and I'll draw names on Thursday. Mine is D is for Daring! 

Also - if you're in Birmingham, come out and join us on Thurday, 1/10. I'll be St. Luke's Episcopal Church. Info and tickets are here. 

 

wishing you love and light

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I'm signing off for the next couple of weeks to spend time with my family and friends. My plan is to rest, play, and practice a lot of gratitude. 

Nothing has been a greater gift to me than the three lessons I learned about joy and light from people I've interviewed who have spent time in sorrow and darkness. Even before Sandy Hook I was reflecting on these learnings as a way to stay centered during the holidays. They're from Daring Greatly (p. 125). They feel very relevant today.  

1. Joy comes to us in moments—ordinary moments.

We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary. Scarcity culture may keep us afraid of living small, ordinary lives but when you talk to people who have survived great losses it is clear that the most profound joy we experience is in those small moments that are so easy to overlook.  

My intention: I'm going to slow down enough to recognize the joy in these moments. 

2. Practice gratitude for what we have.

When I asked people who had survived tragedy how we can cultivate and show more compassion for people who are suffering, the answer was always the same: Don’t shrink away from the joy of your child because I've lost mine. Don’t take what you have for granted—celebrate it. Don’t apologize for your healthy parents or your great relationship. Be grateful and share your gratitude with others. 

One quote that I heard over and over was simply: "When you honor what you have, you’re honoring what I’ve lost.”

My intention: To let the people I love know how grateful I am to have them in my life. I'm also joining the #26Acts movement started by Ann Curry. 26 random acts of kindness to honor the lives lost in Newton. 

3. Don’t squander joy.

We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into "I better not let my guard down and feel too happy - that's inviting disaster" we actually diminish our resilience.

Yes, softening into joy is  uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen—and they do happen—we are stronger.

My intention: To lean into joy. To remember that traumatizing myself with too much news or letting my imagination run wild doesn't create empathy - it generates fear and blame. I'll try to remember that joy requires vulnerability and that if I want more joy (and I do) I need to stay openhearted. 

I'm wishing all of you love and light this holiday season. Thank you for being a part of our wholehearted community. Thank you for sharing yourselves, your stories, and your light with us. I am grateful. 

our stories matter because we matter: thoughts on the power of our voices

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I can’t remember what I wanted for my fourteenth birthday, but I’m pretty sure “battery-operated socks” were not on the list. That November I got those fancy socks along with an Ocean Pacific wallet, a new belt buckle for my cowboy belt, and an AC/DC tape. My dad thought I’d love the socks because I always complained about my feet getting cold in the deer blinds. 

I was raised in a hunting family. We weren’t gun collectors or enthusiasts, but we hunted and we shot skeet so we had guns. And they were serious business in our house. We were all responsible for cleaning, loading, and storing our guns. By the time I was in high school I could probably take a gun apart and put it back together.

Because we hunted there was no need to fantasize about what a gun could do or rely on violent television shows for imagery, we knew exactly how it worked (plus, we weren’t allowed to watch much besides Disney, Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, and presidential debates). 

There was absolute respect for hunting as a sport. We ate what we shot. Our family was to venison what Bubba Gump was to shrimp (chicken-fried, baked, sausage, jerky – you name it, we made it and ate it). My father had little tolerance for trophy hunting or any kind of “horseshit about playing around with super guns.”

While I don’t hunt anymore, I respect and appreciate the culture. I also fully support a ban on assault weapons and multi-magazine, combat-style weapons. I believe in criminal background checks and waiting periods. I write letters to my legislators and I give to The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. And, as a teacher, I absolutely do not support the idea of arming more people to stop the violence. 

Like so many Americans, my experience doesn’t align with the politics of either side. My story is not political – it’s about family and culture. It’s also deeply personal.

In 1989, my uncle – my mom’s only sibling – was shot and killed in a random act of violence. My first response to the Sandy Hook shootings on Friday was prayer, not politics. I was very politically active when my uncle was killed so several people wrapped their sympathies in gun control arguments and it was devastating to me. I just wanted to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually held. I just wanted my pain and disbelief to be acknowledged.

Here are my five observations from the past couple of days:

Prayer and activism are not mutually exclusive.

For many of us they are inextricably connected. We don’t need to criticize those who are praying. You don’t have to pray or even believe in prayer, but be respectful (or at least quiet).

Politics is easier than grief.

To skip over feeling and rush to policy-making dehumanizes the process and weakens policy.  

Blame is simply the discharging of pain and discomfort.

It has nothing to do with accountability. Accountability requires long, difficult, respectful conversations. Blame fizzles out with rage, where accountability is in for the long haul.

Self-righteousness is a sign of fear and uncertainty.

It has nothing to do with activism or change. The loudest and most vitriolic among us are often the most afraid. As my friend Harriet Lerner says, “Change requires listening with same level of passion that we feel when we speak.”

You can't shame a nation into changing any more than you can shame a person into changing.

Shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, violent behaviors than it is to be the cure. We need courage, vulnerability, hard work, empathy, integrity (and a little grace wouldn't hurt). 

I believe we need common sense gun laws. I believe we need better access to mental health services. Neither one of these things will happen unless we’re willing to listen and to speak up about our own experiences and share our ideas. We can’t afford to be the silent majority on these issues. 

I'm not a member, but I seriously doubt that the NRA always speaks for the NRA membership. I don’t believe the media are in service to the public as much as they are in service to advertisers and ratings. When I see the media interview children or jump on the autism/Asperger’s storyline it confirms that they know very little about mental health (otherwise they wouldn’t be so careless with their reporting).

I know some people will read this and think that my beliefs are part of the problem. Others will agree with me. Some of you aren’t sure what you think. I’m not lobbying for my ideas, I’m asking that we all take the time to figure out what we believe, why we believe it, and then share those beliefs with our legislators.

In times of national crisis we often think, “My stories don’t matter – this isn’t about me” or "I'll stay quite because I'm somewhere in the middle of the obnoxious people raging on TV." The truth is that in the midst of tragedy nothing matters more than our stories. Our complex, nuanced stories are the path to healing and change. They are the truth and there's no better foundation for change than the truth. 

We need politicians and policies that reflect the stories of our lives, not the stories that are easy to sell because they create fear and blame.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories. Any name-calling, meanspiritedness, etc. will be deleted. 

prayers for the sandy hook elementary school community

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I'm feeling heartbroken for the people in Connecticut. I'm turning off the TV and turning toward my family, faith, and deep prayer.

Lord, help me send love and light to those in pain. Let me stay calm and openhearted while I manage my own fear and anger. Help me remember that news coverage is traumatizing for me, not healing, and that my children need safety and information, not more fear. 

Here are resources that I find helpful for talking to children about violence and death: 

The American Academy of Pediatrics on School Shootings 

University of Minnesota on Talking to Kids About Violence Against Kids

National Association of School Psychologists on Talking to Children About Violence

What I consider to be one of the best articles on talking to children about death (by Hospice)

Explaining the news to our kids from Common Sense Media.

And this wonderful advice from Mr. Rogers (shared by Angel Marie):

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world." 

No matter how experienced the helpers, their lives will be changed today. Thank them. Pray for them.