Brené Brown's Blog, page 25
April 15, 2013
Ordinary Courage Book Fair: Being Brave
When my agent told me that she was heading to the UK for the 2013 London Book Fair (which starts today), I thought, "Man, that sounds amazing. I really want to go to a book fair." Seriously. What could be better than a reading carnival?
After thinking about getting on another plane I realized that the only thing that could be better for me is being at home, so I decided to hold my own "Ordinary Courage Book Fair" this week. If you've been a member of our community for any time you know that I have a sidebar where I share the titles of the books that are literally on my nightstand (look down and to your right).
In addition to sharing my nightstand, I thought it might be fun to share some of my favorite book finds with you once every couple of months. I always appreciate it when someone tells me why they like a book and what they took away from the pages.
If you've seen my Amazon Shop, you'll know that my taste in books is as diverse as my taste in music. When it comes to my iPod, I can go from Beethoven or Loretta Lynn to Vanilla Ice and Metallica. What my playlists have in common is the ability to move me. To make me roll down the car window and sing along, or simply to feel inspired.
The same goes with books. I don't have a favorite genre or author. I just want to be transported or cracked open a little. I want to see myself - my dreams and fears and heartbreaks and hopes - reflected back to me in a new and meaningful way.
One thing that's important to mention is that I don't review books or do paid product endorsements of any kind. I read books that are recommended by friends or family, or, on occasion, I read books by people I know from the blogosphere. A lot of people send me books - sometimes I get ten in one week. I can't read them all and I often donate them to the library at a home for women transitioning from prison back to the community. Please don't send books.
I do, however, love and appreciate your recommendations in the comment section - that's how I found The Book of Qualities - one of the two books featured today. The topic today is books that made me braver!
The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler
I'm so glad I found this book. It was published 25 years ago and it's magical. Author J. Ruth Gendler explores all of the emotions and qualities that we know so well and brings them to life. Excitement wears orange socks. Faith lives in the same apartment building as Doubt, and Worry makes lists of everything that could go wrong while she waits for the train.
I learned so much about myself as she re-introduced me to these old friends - the ones that have travelled with me since birth.
Here's what Gendler writes about trust:
"Trust is the daughter of Truth. She has an objective memory, neither embellishing nor denying the past . . . her presence is subtle, simple and undeniable . . . Trust rarely buys round-trip tickets because she is never sure how long she will be gone and when she will return . . . She has a gambler's respect for the interplay between luck and skill: she is the mother of Love."
Isn't that gorgeous? And true? And meaning-making? As a storyteller, I'm a huge fan of personification. I don't think I've ever seen it done this well.
This week I'm reading the book to my family at the dinner table. One quality per night - right after grace. It's powerful.
The Power of Starting Something Stupid: How to Crush Fear, Make Dreams Happen, and Live Without Regret by Richie Norton (He's on @richienorton Twitter here)
Richie Norton's new book The Power of Starting Something Stupid is already getting me in a heap of trouble. As I was reading it, I made notes to Steve (my husband). When I was done I handed it to him and said, "This could change the way we live."
It took me an hour to figure out what to share with you because every third page looks like the one in the picture. There are little pieces of wisdom everywhere. But here's a truth that took my breath away:
"People wait.
They wait for the elusive day when they'll finally have enough time (guess what? - you never will), enough education (there's always more to know), enough money (no matter how much you make, someone will always have more) . . . People wait until that fateful day when they wake up and realize that while they were sitting around paying dues, earning their keep, waiting for that elusive 'perfect time' their entire life has passed them by."
Not only did the "paying dues" get my attention in the most uncomfortable way - it also made me re-examine some old gremlins.
I love that Norton gives us a playbook. Real solutions to getting unstuck. This is a powerful book to read on the heels of writing (or reading) Daring Greatly. It's the one-two punch of "Show up and be seen. Here's the plan." I love his ideas on projects vs. abstract ideas, and I'm a complete convert to his SMART plan: Serve, Thank, Ask, Receive, Trust.
I'll be back in a couple of days with some thoughts on three memoirs that I just finished. I hope you enjoy the book fair. If I could I'd send over some tea and scones so we could pretend that we're in London - riding the book ferris wheel together.
I'd love to hear any suggestion or ideas for the Ordinary Courage Book Fair!
April 1, 2013
"for the bullied and beautiful" by Shane Koyczan
From the poem To This Day by Shane Koyczan:
" . . . and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit."
Thank you, Shane. I love this with my whole heart.
If you're receive these posts via email and you want to watch the video, click here.
March 22, 2013
Now we're talking. It's a shame smackdown with Oprah!
This Sunday is the second part of my Super Soul Sunday conversation with Oprah. If you missed Part I, you can watch the entire episode here. The preview for Part 2 is here (put on your boots, we're going deep).
I love this picture from the second episode! I feel like there should be a thought bubble over Oprah's head that says, "Did she really just say that?" I have no idea what I said - I guess we'll have to wait and find out together on Sunday.
Two of the big questions I got after the first episode were, "What do I do when I'm in shame?" and "Who do I turn to?" I partnered with OWN to share my thoughts in an online article titled, Finding Shelter in a Shame Storm (and Avoiding the Flying Debris). You can read it here.
I'll be live-tweeting the episode again. I'm @brenebrown and she's @Oprah. You can also follow tweets at @SuperSoulSunday.
On the show I read the Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto from Daring Greatly. You can download a free copy here or buy the special Kelly Rae Roberts edition to benefit charity: water.
My goal for this episode (besides not cussing and losing it): Kicking shame to the curb!
It'll be fun!
March 20, 2013
Public Shaming is a Better Example of "If it feels good - do it" than Teen Pregnancy
Richard Reeves’ New York Times Op/Ed arguing that shame is an
essential ingredient of a healthy society is not only wrong, but also
potentially more dangerous to parents, children, and society than teen
pregnancy – the example he uses in his argument.
Last week New York City unveiled its public education campaign
targeting teenage pregnancy. Taking a page from the Georgia obesity campaign
and Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet
Letter, the campaign features pictures of tear-stained toddlers admonishing
their teen mothers for ruining their lives.
The ads are painful, and in a moment of sheer frustration and anger,
I thought about ditching this article and just sending both Reeves and Mayor
Bloomberg pictures of tear-stained pregnant teenagers staring out and declaring:
“Please don’t attack my self-worth. I’m already lost and desperate for love and
belonging.”
Having spent the past decade studying shame, courage, and
vulnerability, I know that ploy is cheap, easy, and ineffective. I’m going old
school – with facts.
To be effective, all shame- and stigma-based campaigns rely on the
intended audience’s feeling empathy and guilt when they see the images. In New
York the goal is for teenagers to see the forlorn toddlers and think, “I don’t
want to do that to a child.” In anti-obesity ads, the goal is for parents to
see a desperate child saying, “Please help me. I don’t want to be fat,” and
think, “I’ve got to start making better choices for my family.”
Here’s the rub:
Shame diminishes
our capacity for empathy.
Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change.
You can’t depend on the empathetic connection to make a
campaign effective, then crush the needed empathy with shame.
Researchers June Tangney and Ronda Dearing, authors of Shame and Guilt, explain that feelings
of shame are so painful that it pulls the focus to our own survival, not the
experiences of others.
Example: A man shakes a bottle of pills in his wife’s face, “Look
around you! Your pill-popping is destroying our family. Our son is failing out
of school and our daughter is literally starving herself for attention. What's wrong with you?”
Does the shame of what she’s doing to her family lead her to get
help, or does it lead her to slink away and get high? After-school specials tell
us she gets help. Data say she gets high. In fact, new research shows that some
addiction may be born of shame and that shame leads to relapse rather than
relapse prevention.
A man is convicted of domestic abuse and the judge sentences him to
stand downtown during rush hour holding a sign that says, “I am a wife beater.”
Would you like to be the woman he comes home to that night? Are you
safer when he’s in shame or repairing shame?
Another example: Your boss is unhappy with your numbers so he turns
to you and in front of your colleagues says, “You brought the whole team down
this quarter. Are you proud of that?” Like Reeves, he believes “that emotions
like fear, disgust or shame can often have a more powerful effect on human
behavior than objective information.” Does
it work? No. There are no data that show us that shame leads to meaningful
lasting change, but we do see a strong relationship between shame and
depression, eating disorders, violence, and professional disengagement.
Reeves basically makes the good shame/bad shame argument, explaining
that shame should be used in some ways but not others.
I don’t see any evidence of “good shame.” Not in my research and not
in the research being done by other affect researchers.
I define shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of
believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Along
with many other shame researchers, I’ve come to the conclusion that shame is
much more likely to be the source of dangerous, destructive, and hurtful
behaviors than it is to be the solution.
It is human nature, not just the nature of liberals (as Reeves
argues), to want to feel affirmed and valued. When we experience shame, we feel
disconnected and desperate for belonging and recognition. It’s when we feel
shame or the fear of shame that we are more likely to engage in
self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others, or to stay quiet
when we see someone who needs our help.
Making the distinction between good and bad shame, and promoting
so-called good shame is like saying there’s “good starvation” and “bad
starvation” and that we need to address the obesity epidemic
with “good starvation.” Just like there’s no such thing as “good
starvation,” there’s no such thing as “good shame.”
The “good shame” that Reeves describes is actually a combination of
guilt and empathy. And, interestingly, there is actually significant research
on the important roles both guilt and empathy play in pro-social, positive
behavior.
Is this just a case of semantics? No. We don’t refer to balanced,
healthy eating as “good starvation” because it’s confusing, inaccurate, and
misleading. It also obscures and confuses what we really need to do to move
toward positive social outcomes.
The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between
shame and guilt is best understood as the difference between “I am bad” and “I
did something bad.” Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our
behaviors.
When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends to others,
or change a behavior that we don’t feel good about, guilt is most often the
motivator. Of course, you can shame someone into saying, “I’m sorry,” but it’s
rarely authentic. Guilt is as powerful as shame; it just doesn’t have the paralyzing
and debilitating impact that prevents shame from being an effective agent of
meaningful change.
Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s place in
order to understand what they are feeling. When we are empathetic, we can
listen and respond authentically to others, and we have the skills to consider
how our actions will impact others.
Again, why don’t we just refer to guilt and
empathy as “good shame”? Because it’s inaccurate. It clouds the fact that being
empathetic and communicating with others (colleagues, children, partners,
friends) without using shame requires most of us to develop new skills.
Labeling these skills “good shame” moves us away from the hard work of
understanding, identifying, and acquiring the knowledge we need to change.
Based on my own experiences with shame (we all have it) and what
I’ve learned about it as a researcher, I know the intense pain, isolation, and
fear it causes. I’m not proud to say this, but even with this knowledge, if I
thought shaming people would, in the long run, keep them safer and make the
world a better place, I might do it. As a parent and an observer of human
behavior, I can get extremely fearful, and that fear might allow me to overlook
the pain caused by shame if I thought it would ensure a better outcome.
Fortunately, I don’t have to wrestle with that moral dilemma because we know
that shame never works as a catalyst for healthy, lasting change.
Shame is at the core of violence, addiction, disengagement, and
fear. Shame is about anger and blame, not accountability and change. Meaningful
change means understanding the realities of these girls’ lives (and the boys
who get them pregnant) and working with them to cultivate educational
opportunities, hope, and support.
Reeves writes, “We need a sense of shame to live well together. For
those with liberal instincts, this is necessarily hard. But it is also
necessary.” I’m not sure what he means by “liberal instincts,” but what I do
know is that using shame as a tool when we are frustrated, angry, or desperate
to see behavior change in people is a much better example of the “it feels good
– do it” ethos than the teen pregnancy problem. We might feel justified in
belittling and humiliating people, but it makes the world a more dangerous
place.
I'd love to know what you think. Respectful debate and discussion is always welcome!
March 18, 2013
Super Gratitude Monday
Thank you for celebrating Super Soul Sunday with me.
Thank you for cheering me on and encouraging me to stay in the arena.
I literally couldn't have done it without this community. I am grateful.
If you missed Part I, you can watch it here.
Part II will be on 3/24. Caution: I'm wearing my boots - we're going deep.
March 14, 2013
More Fun News!
1. We just found out that Part II of Super Soul Sunday will air on 3/24! They're extending the season so the two episodes that Oprah and I taped can run on consecutive Sundays.
2. If you're hosting a brunch or having friends over to watch this weekend,email us some pictures and I'll live tweet them on Sunday. I'm having some move-a-body friends over. Rather than be self-critical, I'm just going to ring a little bell whenever I'm feeling self-conscious. It will be a very loud Sunday at my house.
3. Last . . . get ready for a new website. We're putting the final touches on a new website/blog and it will launch in the next two days. I'm so excited for you to see it. I've been working with an amazing team of folks. I'll introduce you to them next week.
The change was inspired by my photography practice. Several years ago I took photography lessons for Lent (I always try to add something that feels sacred rather than take something away). This year I'm taking an Aperture class for Lent (the Mac photography software). The new site will include a lot of pictures and quotes and creativity.
There will also be some beautiful new badges and downloads coming. I really hope you like it as much as I do!
If you missed the post from earlier this week about Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, it's here. The bell ringing will make more sense when you read that.
Thank y'all for being excited with me!
More fun news!
1. We just found out that Part II of Super Soul Sunday will air on 3/24! They're extending the season so the two episodes that Oprah and I taped can run on consecutive Sundays.
2. If you're hosting a brunch or having friends over to watch this weekend, email us some pictures and I'll live tweet them on Sunday. I'm having some move-a-body friends over. Rather than be self-critical, I'm just going to ring a little bell whenever I'm feeling self-conscious. It will be a very loud Sunday at my house.
3. Last . . . get ready for a new website. We're putting the final touches on a new website/blog and it will launch in the next two days. I'm so excited for you to see it. I've been working with an amazing team of folks. I'll introduce you to them next week.
The change was inspired by my photography practice. Several years ago I took photography lessons for Lent (I always try to add something that feels sacred rather than take something away). This year I'm taking an Aperture class for Lent (the Mac photography software). The new site will include a lot of pictures and quotes and creativity.
There will also be some beautiful new badges and downloads coming. I really hope you like it as much as I do!
If you missed the post from earlier this week about Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, it's here. The bell ringing will make more sense when you read that.
Thank y'all for being excited with me!
March 11, 2013
"Whoa. This is big, big, big. Somebody ring some bells!"
[image error]© Harpo, Inc 2013 | George Burns
Super Soul Sunday airs this Sunday! I can hardly believe it.
I have to be honest and tell you that I was scared to death. Not excited/scared, just scared/scared. When we pulled into the parking garage at Harpo - the garage that was so familiar because I've seen it a million times on TV - I had this overwhelming urge to play it cool. No big deal. I'm fine. Whatever.
Thankfully, I know myself well enough to know that "cool" is one of my favorite pieces of vulnerability armor. So, during a calmer moment the day before the taping I actually wrote my own permission slip and stuck it in my pocket. It simply said:
I give you permission to be excited and goofy and uncool.
Just show up and be seen.
Well, let me tell you . . . permission granted!
As you'll see - I was giggly and excited and totally uncool. There's this great moment during the show (you can see it here in the online preview) where Oprah says, "Whoa! This is big, big, big. Somebody ring some bells!" It was one of my favorite moments because I thought, Wow. she's excited too! Let's ring those dang bells!
[image error]© Harpo, Inc 2013 | George Burns
The plan was to record a single episode of Super Soul Sunday but there was this crazy, intense connection between us so we filmed two episodes. I didn't have a second outfit - just jeans, cowboy boots, and a black shirt that looked just like the one I was wearing. Oprah said, "No problem. Wear your jeans and cowboy boots and borrow one of my shirts." I actually said, "Shut. Up. No. Way." Permission to be 14 years old granted.
I'll let you know as soon as we have the dates for the second episode.
I've never watched myself on video. I haven't even seen the TED talks. But, on Sunday I'm going to watch and live-Tweet the show with Oprah. Join us! I'm @brenebrown and she's @Oprah. You can also follow tweets at @SuperSoulSunday.
I invited some friends and family over and we're going to do brunch and watch. I'm going to write myself another note. This time it will say, Be supportive and kind to yourself. I think I look weird - I'm way more gussied up than normal. I'm sure I'll think of one thousand ways I could have been wiser or wittier. I'll be embarrassed about my gushing.
But you know what? I dared greatly and I can't wait to share it with all of you. This community is what I think about when I'm trying to be brave. So, join us! Host your own brunch - OWN has a great kit here. It even includes the tough Soul-to-Soul questions that Oprah asked me.
There's also a worldwide simulcast - you can get more info here.
March 8, 2013
daring new ideas from TED 2013
It was so exciting to attend TED this year (keyword - attend). Last year I spent the week in "speaker panic mode" which looks like lots of little anxiety attacks and a few tearful moments locked in the hotel room watching Law & Order reruns. This year I got to relax and receive. I was blown away.
As we head into the weekend I thought I'd share a few daring talks with you.
Ron Finley: A guerilla gardner in South Central LA
Powerful quotes:
"Growing your own food is like printing your own money."
"Drive-thrus are killing more people than drive-bys."
"When kids grow kale, kids eat kale."
Amanda Palmer's "The Art of Asking for Help"
Powerful quotes:
"And my eyes would say, 'Thank you. I see you.' And their eyes would say, 'Nobody ever sees me. Thank you.'"
"And this hurt in a really familiar way. And people saying, "You're not allowed anymore to ask for that kind of help," really reminded me of the people in their cars yelling, "Get a job." Because they weren't with us on the sidewalk, and they couldn't see the exchange that was happening between me and my crowd, an exchange that was very fair to us but alien to them."
"But the perfect tools aren't going to help us if we can't face each other and give and receive fearlessly, but, more important, to ask without shame."
Onstage at TED2013, Sugata Mitra made his bold TED Prize wish: Help me design the School in the Cloud, a learning lab in India, where children can explore and learn from each other -- using resources and mentoring from the cloud. Hear his inspiring vision for Self Organized Learning Environments (SOLE), and learn more at tedprize.org.
I love this quote. I know this to be true from not only from the new neuroscience research, but my own research on shame. It took my breath away:
"The reptilian part of our brain, which sits in the center of our brain, when it's threatened, it shuts down everything else, it shuts down the prefrontal cortex, the parts which learn, it shuts all of that down.
Punishment and examinations are seen as threats. We take our children, we make them shut their brains down, and then we say, "Perform."
Why did they create a system like that? Because it was needed. There was an age in the Age of Empires when you needed those people who can survive under threat. When you're standing in a trench all alone, if you could have survived, you're okay, you've passed. If you didn't, you failed.
But the Age of Empires is gone. What happens to creativity in our age? We need to shift that balance back from threat to pleasure."
Congrats to Sugata!
I'd love to know what you think about these ideas. I'm sure we won't all agree with every point, but what makes them daring is their conversation-starting power! There are a couple of talks that haven't posted yet. I'll share them with you when they do. Have a great weekend.
February 18, 2013
one of my favorite pieces of wisdom from harriet lerner
Harriet's latest book, Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and Coupled Up is just out in paperback.
You read more about Harriet on her website.
She's on twitter at @harrietlerner and here's a link to her Facebook page.
