Cristina Guarneri's Blog, page 5

Someone that Inspires

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Have you ever met someone, either on social media or in person, and immediately realize that this was the person that has influenced you in some way, you just want to get to know them better. Maybe not in the way that many people would categorize “getting to know someone.”  It could be a friendship, or perhaps for some it could be something more, but whatever that feeling takes you, it’s really about the idea of meeting someone that brings you to wanting to be a better person than you are today. These are the types of people that seem so hard to find in society, yet when you find them they are the most special people that we could have in this life.

There are so many self-help books, blogs, and articles that talk about finding that one or many influential people. Advice is given, a guide to recognizing them, and even pointers to developing such relationships in your life, but the truth is that it doesn’t really work that way. In my experience these types of individuals are often times felt from within. Your heart is all knowing. It has the ability to signal what is good from what’s not so good, and if we allow ourselves to lead, the possibilities become endless.

Influential people are one of a kind. They put themselves out there for the people who are in their lives. They work hard and in turn inspire us to work just as hard as they do. They have this ability to create a drive to those around them, and the overwhelming feeling that they give others makes us want to be around them often. It amazes me how influential people do it, but I’ve only known of one in my lifetime, and I will never be the same again. I think that when you meet influential people it’s what’s meant to be as an everlasting relationship, that no matter how far apart you are from them, there’s the feeling that they are right with you.

There is a song performed by Chicago entitled, You’re the Inspiration . A few of lyrics state, “You’re the meaning in my life. You’re the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life. You’re the inspiration. Want to have you near me,  I want to have you hear me saying

No one needs you more than I need you.” I think the words of this song say it best. Finding inspirational people are those that we want to have near us, but also they are people that we need more than anything. Finding that someone who inspires you may not be as difficult as we may think. All that you have to do is look within your heart because they will change you forever.

The Heart Doesn’t Lie

I often think about what is that makes people fall in love with someone. There are so many reasons for why we feel a connection to a person, but what if you feel this attraction for someone that you haven’t even met. Is it possible to find an instant love for a person from afar? My answer would be yes, love has no boundaries.

It takes less than 8.2 seconds to fall in love at first sight with a person. I don’t know how, but our heart tells us differently. You can see someone crossing the street, on television, or even through social media and know within a short period of time that there are feelings. We can’t help who we fall in love with and to tell ourselves differently would mean lying to ourselves.  Our heart is our compass that directs us to our emotions and what we feel for people.

Think about it, falling in love with someone that you haven’t met isn’t superficial. People do it every day online. We meet countless numbers of people on a daily basis. Easily, we can delve into learning about a person’s personality just by reading a social media post.  It’s one way that I think people learn about their likes and dislikes, and who they are as people. That’s important when building relationships. At the same time, recognizing that our feelings are real is important. They are your innermost feelings.

Maybe you have daydreamed about that person, a future life together, what your lives would be like, and how you envision the relationship. You realize you care for that person deeply and have started to fall in love with them, even though you haven’t physically met. You begin to discuss that person with your friends and they may tell you, you are just in love with the ” idea ” of the person, telling you to wake up and smell the coffee, it’s a fantasy, they aren’t real, you haven’t met yet and it couldn’t be love.

You find you are questioning yourself, asking, is it really possible to fall in love with someone you have yet to meet? Yet despite all of this, you can’t get this person out of your head, you know the person is genuine and you know how you feel. Even with all of these thoughts running through our minds, as long as there is respect for the person and their comfort level you can be deeply in love with someone that you have never met.  I am a firm believer in what is meant to be will be. Faith makes everything possible. All we need to do is believe and let the journey take its course. There are no right or wrong answers to love. What’s important is what is in your heart. The heart never lies.

 

 

Our Grandparents

Growing up, it was the Sunday dinners and shopping trips to the Italian market, where no one spoke English. I remember standing in line with our groceries and watching the numbers being rung up. I had no idea what the total amount came to, but fortunately, my grandmother understood it, as the cashier told her in Italian. These are the experiences that I remember most growing up. Our holidays were filled with relatives and friends, who could have been considered just as close as a relative. I learned many of the traditional Italian recipes from my grandmothers. Although, as I am getting older, I realize how much my grandparents kept our family together.  Family traditions and the closeness that we once had are gone. The truth is that grandparents are what keeps the family together.

Grandparents have a way of bringing unity to the family. Either it is through daily phone calls to weekly meals, it was about spending time together.  There is the chance to teach family values, instill ethnic heritage, and to pass on those traditions to family members so that they can be carried on. Grandparents have a significant role, as they provide a sense of identity. They give insight and they serve as a reminder of events that helped shape the family. Grandparents strengthen family bonds because we are frequently sharing traditions that help to build a stronger connection. Traditions provide an all-too-rare chance for face-to-face interaction, help family members get to know and trust each other more intimately, and create a bond that comes from feeling that one is part of something unique and special. They also offer comfort and security to the family.

The ever-changing world that we live in needs the comfort and security that grandparents are able to offer to families. Grandparents offer us constants that we can depend on. Either it is pasta on Sundays or fish on Fridays, no matter what it may be, we come to find comfort in the stability that those traditions will be there for us each week. We may not realize how those Friday night fish dinners instilled values within us, but they did since they instilled a culture within us. It added rhythm to our lives, and what I mean by that it was a cycle that we followed. Growing up, my grandmother made the traditional fish feast on Christmas Eve. It was hard work for her, but there was a cycle that brought my family excitement. A family tradition that had been passed down from prior generations to my grandmother. We looked forward to in anticipation, and look back on with satisfaction.

I’ve had a lot of great memories with my grandfather, as we walked often to McDonald’s for lunch, while my grandmother cleaned the house. Often times I wish that they were still here, as what I have learned is that our lives and childhood of the simple, everyday traditions like family dinners, holiday get-togethers, and bedtime stories are needed. These are the positive memories that are what is meant to be in helping to make us happier and more generous as we grow older.

Our past experiences with our grandparents can provide a myriad of positive benefits that can counteract loneliness and boost generosity towards strangers. To get the full benefits of nostalgia, though, we need to have a well-stocked “nostalgia repository.” What better way to fill that repository than by creating and maintaining meaningful family traditions!

Notion of Remembering

 

Loss comes at different seasons of our lives and for different reasons. It triggers an emotion within ourselves as a result of some life circumstance. There are many who believe that mourning is best when we find closure, but the idea of getting over it and the extent of the emotions triggered is a myth. I’m not sure if we really ever get over the loss of someone, as much as we learn to cope.

There is this misguided belief that mourning and getting through a loss is a process that people work through, where any significant loss, later and repeatedly, brings up longing and sadness. That the reason why a person hasn’t been able to find closure is that our emotions don’t work through the loss by closing it out of ourselves. This thinking isn’t true. As time passes the feelings may become less intense. We learn to distract ourselves and start to create new memories. However, those deep emotions aren’t erased. Mourning does not have the goal of finding closure. Rather it’s about what we will do with those emotions more than anything.

Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and any landmark event that comes up may trigger emotions of anxiety and depression because we wish to spend these days with those that we have lost. These are the external reminders that are triggered within us. Most people try to get over it, but that’s just the opposite of the purpose for emotions.

I remember reading about mourning. What it said was this, Grieving such losses is important because it allows us to ‘free-up’ energy that is bound to the lost person, object, or experience—so that we might re-invest that energy elsewhere. … Healthy grieving results in an ability to remember the importance of our loss—but with a newfound sense of peace, rather than searing pain. I thought further about what I read and came to realize that mourning is a part of the journey to healing.

You can remember what you learned from the person you lost, remember what you enjoyed, and you can cry if you feel like crying. Even if your grief is about a relationship gone wrong. There is always something that you can learn through recollection. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow expresses his lifelong experience of grief in the first 3 lines of his poem, Secret Anniversaries of the Heart: The holiest of all holidays are those. Kept by ourselves in silence and apart; The secret anniversaries of the heart.

This is the notion of remembering someone within our hearts. Rather than thinking about how we can get over others and try to get past the loss and emotions that we feel. What may be meant to be instead is to try to lessen the pain and loss that we feel inside by learning for ways to remember ways that we can do to remember that person.

The Notion of Remembering

 

Loss comes at different seasons of our lives and for different reasons. It triggers an emotion within ourselves as a result of some life circumstance. There are many who believe that mourning is best when we find closure, but the idea of getting over it and the extent of the emotions triggered is a myth. I’m not sure if we really ever get over the loss of someone, as much as we learn to cope.

There is this misguided belief that mourning and getting through a loss is a process that people work through, where any significant loss, later and repeatedly, brings up longing and sadness. That the reason why a person hasn’t been able to find closure is that our emotions don’t work through the loss by closing it out of ourselves. This thinking isn’t true. As time passes the feelings may become less intense. We learn to distract ourselves and start to create new memories. However, those deep emotions aren’t erased. Mourning does not have the goal of finding closure. Rather it’s about what we will do with those emotions more than anything.

Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and any landmark event that comes up may trigger emotions of anxiety and depression because we wish to spend these days with those that we have lost. These are the external reminders that are triggered within us. Most people try to get over it, but that’s just the opposite of the purpose for emotions.

I remember reading about mourning. What it said was this, Grieving such losses is important because it allows us to ‘free-up’ energy that is bound to the lost person, object, or experience—so that we might re-invest that energy elsewhere. … Healthy grieving results in an ability to remember the importance of our loss—but with a newfound sense of peace, rather than searing pain. I thought further about what I read and came to realize that mourning is a part of the journey to healing.

You can remember what you learned from the person you lost, remember what you enjoyed, and you can cry if you feel like crying. Even if your grief is about a relationship gone wrong. There is always something that you can learn through recollection. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow expresses his lifelong experience of grief in the first 3 lines of his poem, Secret Anniversaries of the Heart: The holiest of all holidays are those. Kept by ourselves in silence and apart; The secret anniversaries of the heart.

This is the notion of remembering someone within our hearts. Rather than thinking about how we can get over others and try to get past the loss and emotions that we feel. What may be meant to be instead is to try to lessen the pain and loss that we feel inside by learning for ways to remember ways that we can do to remember that person.

Time Flies

Often I hear so many people ask the question: “where does the time go?” It’s not an unusual question, especially with so many graduations taking place during this time of year. I often have to hold myself back from saying what is really on my mind, “time didn’t just slip away, you allowed yourself to become too busy.” I think that this is very true. We’ve trained ourselves to keep our lives filled to the brim with work, errands, and chores. It’s easy to understand why many feel that time has slipped away from them.

I can remember growing up with face-to-face conversations and talking on the phone. We built relationships with people, not by hiding behind computer or cell phone screens to communicate. Instead, we made friendships, lasting ones, the right old fashion way. We played rope, played hide and seek, and rode our bikes. As a young person, my mom would sit outside on the front steps. We talked with our neighbors and became a part of one another’s lives. We didn’t build what I like to call surface friendships, the kind of relationships that give way to the minimum. The type of relationships where we choose what we share and how much information we are looking to share with others — a lot like social media friendships. The idea of building real-life relationships seems to have vanished.

Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who still has friends that you see often, but for the rest of us, they are far and few between them. We look at co-workers, television, and Facebook to bridge the gap in our lives because we’ve become too busy. The truth is, your child didn’t grow up in a blink of an eye. It took years and years for that to happen. Instead, life’s events kept you preoccupied. Time doesn’t fly by, but depending on your age and how busy you make life to be, there is this tendency to think that events happened much longer ago than they did. Perhaps the accelerated sense of time may stem in part from the repetition of activities, such as birthdays or holidays that are happening for you. Each year they’re more familiar, so it seems as though they just happened. However, let’s face it when was the last time that you took time out of your day to sit and listen to your surroundings. When was the last time that you met that friend for coffee instead of saying, “we should get together?”   Being social is a part of being human. It’s what we are meant to be.

Imagine you had a little counter in your head, an internal clock, which most people believe the brain has, in some form. To monitor the passage of time, you have to control time, or add up, and count and collect those little clicks. Right? You have to keep track of how many are going by. But if your attention is devoted to a different task, like the visual search task, then you sometimes will miss the clicks that come by your attention. Time only flies whenever your attention is engaged in an activity, and you’re trying to monitor the passage of time.

Fearing Change

When thinking about fear, it is a vital response to what we see and feel. If we didn’t feel fear we wouldn’t know how to protect ourselves from potential threats. Today, our common fears have to do with the ability to impress others, and how their judgments affect our self-worth. This is especially true with so many people using social media. However, here is something that many may not talk about, and that’s how fear comes out of anxiety.

Anxiety can be a good thing. It can increase attention and help us to enhance our ability to perform. However, many people anxiety can be debilitating and impair one’s ability to function. Knowing how to tell the difference between helpful anxiety and anxiety that can be detrimental to your performance is important because it can be the difference between success and failure. It’s an emotion that sends a message about how you are feeling about the environment around you.

Anytime that you make a change you are causing yourself to grow, but to also be outside of your comfort zone. If you’re someone who is looking to make new friends and would much rather stay home. Leaving the house to go to a few parties or events is necessary and may even put you outside of your comfort zone, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable anxiety. Pushing through the anxiety is one way towards making that change. The idea is that if you push yourself through the anxiety you will get past the anxiety and achieve what you are wanting. The problem is that it only works if you do actually achieve the goal. When you push yourself outside the comfort zone and you feel like it is a failure instead of a success, it can reinforce your fear and thinking that being outside the comfort zone is a dangerous place and causes many to be afraid.

We’re all afraid, of what might or might not happen, of what we can’t change, or what we won’t be able to do, or how other people might perceive us. It’s easier to hesitate, to wait for the right moment, to decide we need to think a little longer or do some more research or explore a few more alternatives. Meanwhile, days, weeks, months, and even years pass us by, and so do our dreams.

Don’t let your fears hold you back. Whatever you’ve been planning, whatever you’ve imagined, whatever you’ve dreamed of, get started on it today. If you want to start a business, take the first step. If you want to change careers, take the first step. If you want to expand or enter a new market or offer new products or services, take the first step.  Put your fears aside and get started toward is meant to be in life by doing something. Otherwise, today is gone. Once tomorrow comes, today is lost forever. Today is the most precious asset you own and is the one thing you should truly fear wasting.

 

 

Finding Home

 

The Japanese use the word kenzoku to describe family. It suggests that there is a bond that two or more people have with each other that is very similar to a commitment, and even the same destiny. It is also the most profound connection of friendship. There are so many of us who have people in their lives that share what feels like a distant past. We have this strong bond with them, and we consider them to be just like family, kenzoku. They may be a parent, sibling, or even a friend from high school that we haven’t spoken to in years although time and distance don’t diminish the type of bond that we have with these people. I often wonder, why do we have this kind of chemistry and why does this kenzoku is only shared with a few people? We may never know the actual answer to that question, but the background to kenzoku and these kinds of relationships can be defined.

Common interests that bring people together, stressful situations, shared values, and having the ability to support and encourage another person is what draws people together. It’s what brings us to make friends and to be worthy of being called a friend.  A true friend is someone who is unshakably willing to put your happiness before your friendship. They don’t lack giving mercy over correcting when their friend is wrong or is dealing with a problem. True friends don’t ask to compromise on your principles but inspire you to live up to your best potential. You may have friends who fit this thinking, but still, they don’t quite feel kenzoku.

Becoming a true friend yourself, as Gandhi has said: “Be the friend you want to have,” we all tend to invite people into our lives that mirror our character. You don’t have to be something that you’re not, all to have that person’s friendship. No matter what interests you, there is always someone who will share it somewhere. It’s about taking action to build like-minded people into our lives.

I can count on my hand the number of people in my life who are kenzoku, those true friends. They are like my family. It’s difficult in today’s world to find these types of people, but when you do, it’s like finding a rare diamond. It’s what’s meant to be. They’re like finding home.

Saying I’m Sorry

Two words like “I’m sorry” can be the hardest words to say for some people. I’m not sure what makes them be so difficult, but perhaps it’s the idea of having to admit wrong. It means having to step out of your comfort zone and admit that it could have been better. The truth is, many people are either stubborn or even afraid to admit mistakes. We all make mistakes, but there is something humbling about telling someone “I’m sorry.”

The Merriam-Webster dictionary states that to apologize for means to express regret for something we have done. It is an action that takes place where we consider what we have done, an excuse or defense for a fault that we may have committed. Saying “I’m sorry” or an apology, shouldn’t be difficult in a relationship of any kind. We all need to apologize, after all, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, since but are all capable of hurting another person’s feelings through our behavior and our actions. No matter if it was intentional or not. Here’s a story, although minor, it shows how relationships can become damaged when someone can’t say that they are sorry.

Laura and Cara had been friends for over ten years. Over the years, Cara showed less and less interest with including Laura in her life. Birthdays, shopping, and other events; Laura found herself becoming more distant from the one person that she thought that she could call a friend. Laura was more reserved and lived a more quiet life compared to Cara and her ability to hold too many friends. On one particular birthday, Cara’s friends held a dinner for her. Laura realized that she wasn’t invited by any of Cara’s friends, and that was okay. When Laura asked her about it, Cara’s responses were “they are one of my best friends.” Getting such a response stung Laura.  She began to realize that all the while that Cara was calling her a “good friend,” it really didn’t mean much to her. It was at that moment that Cara took to Facebook to lash out at her. She had accused Laura of being offended, but that wasn’t even the case. It was a matter of hurt feelings. Cara wouldn’t do anything, not even apology for Laura’s hurt feelings. It was a tough decision, but ultimately, she had to end their friendship.

This is how sometimes relationships fall apart. One person does or says something hurtful. Rather taking responsibility for their behavior, they turn away from it and they don’t say “I’m sorry.” Imagine how those two words could make the difference to people going through a divorce or friendships that have gone sour. Think about all of the broken relationships that are out there, and how apologizing could change a lot of feelings, even give closure for some. There are many reasons why we, like Cara, should make a sincere apology when we’ve made a mistake.

An apology opens dialogue, a conversation, between yourself and the other person. It shows your willingness to admit your mistake without letting pride or ego get in the way. Apologizing gives the other person the opportunity that they need to communicate with you, and to deal with their feelings. When we apologize, we are acknowledging that our behavior wasn’t right. This helps to rebuild trust and re-establish your relationship with the other person. It also gives you a chance to discuss what had happened. A sincere apology builds self-confidence, self-respect, and a good reputation. When we apologize, we are able to feel a sense of relief and it’s the best way to restore integrity in the eyes of others. If your one of those people who think that apologizing isn’t worth it, or it isn’t necessary, think again. When we make the decision to not apologize we add further damage to our relationships. It negatively affects us and causes animosity, tension, and pain. Although, by expressing remorse, admitting to being responsible, making amends, trying to not let it continue to happen, and not making excuses; can be the beginning of forgiveness.

Apologies aren’t always easy. It takes courage to admit that we were wrong. You might feel embarrassed about your actions that you can’t bring yourself to face the other person. Or you may be following the advice of other people to never apologize. The ultimate choice is up to you. What is meant to be will be, but those two magic words: “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” could be what is needed to build strong relationships.

 

For a Lifetime

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You do everything you can to move on from past relationships. To some extent, we have all done it. We keep ourselves busy by spending time with friends, working, even meeting new people. It becomes more work to get over a relationship then it was being in the relationship, but what happens when time goes by and you see that person again. You do all that you can to not let it affect you. Although in the end, the feelings return. They can be the most difficult feelings to overcome.

Time and time again, I have seen my friends bounce back from relationships. They have put their hearts on a shelf to overcome the emotions that they have for another person. Not an easy task to accomplish. Months go by and you think that you’re over them, only to see them again and your heart just drops. It drops again just as it did the first time you met them. It can be the most frustrating feeling because this time you have no way of knowing where to put those feelings again. Worse, it means starting the process of getting them all over again.

The heart has a way of telling us how we feel. A true diagnosis, people can pass away from a broken heart. It’s a real medical condition that no antibiotic or natural remedy can cure. However, too often, we put away our feelings because we feel that we have to move on, or someone has told you that moving on is what you’re supposed to do. It takes seconds to fall in love with someone. Maybe it takes weeks to realize those feelings, but your heart knows different. Your heart knows how you really feel. We can tell ourselves that we’re over them. We can tell ourselves that we don’t have feelings for a person, but the truth is, honesty is the best policy.

We can love people for different reasons and there are different types of love within us. However, at the same time, we shouldn’t ignore the feelings of the heart. Holding ourselves away from our feelings, from what our hearts tell us, is the way to perhaps everlasting sadness and for some, even pain. I find myself doing this lately, trying to forget my feelings, hiding for the sake of not dealing with potential hurt or disappointment. Maybe it’s due to a little embarrassment because of not knowing what to do with such feelings. For many of us, rather than recognizing our feelings for someone, we learn to adapt for the shear sake of moving on. We feel that we have no other choice, but the truth is you can’t help who you love. You’re not meant to.

When you love someone, it’s a gift and if someone has found something about you that has brought them to find deep care for you. I’m not talking about the type of love that is judgmental. Instead, the type of love that I’m speaking about is the kind that is willing to support you, that care about your feelings, and your dreams; while asking for nothing in return. Take it with an open heart and mind that someone has found a great deal of worth for you. That is what is meant to be. Those are the types of feelings when you see someone for the first time, or if you have seen them again, are the types of everlasting feelings that are for a lifetime.