Cristina Guarneri's Blog, page 4

The Serendipity of Relationships

Society has a way of telling people that being single isn’t a good thing, but in reality, it’s healthy to be single. Movies, television, and books are constant reminders that we have to find our soul mate. That there is this rush to find that one person to complete us, and that single people are unhappy because they don’t have a significant other. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, single people self-reported levels of well-being that were similar to participants in relationships. Being in a relationship can be expensive, not in the sense of money, but rather partnerships have an unconscious ability to clutter our emotions and can affect our overall mental well-being. It’s challenging to focus on ourselves when our focus needs to be on the other person. There is a period within relationships that is called winter when people spend their time worrying about their partners and focus on even the smallest of quarrels. This may be called the price of love, but in the end, it keeps people from being truly happy and living in the presence of their relationships.

The emotional side of being in a relationship can be ever-consuming. It takes a person out of the present-day moment of their relationships, and instead in the resent-day situation. This is when the internal worries and fears become arguments and we begin to fight with our partner. Many may see this side of being in a relationship as being healthy, but ultimately it can harm our health.

By being single, we can rid our bodies of being consumed with the emotional worry of being in a relationship and focus on our dreams. We can make room in our minds to breathe and to grow. We can be open to the possibilities of what’s out there in life. We’re more willing to go with what is meant to be and be open to having choices. Life as a single person brings us to be more self-sufficient and free from having any constraints. There’s no one hindering you from setting out and chasing your ambitions. You’re more likely to take the risks and go on adventures with more time to get in touch with yourself.

When you’re in a relationship, you can lose yourself within that relationship. We risk losing touch with who we are as individuals, and to focus on our personal development. Probably one of the most common issues heard when in a relationship is how individuals feel like they have lost touch with creative sides. When you’re single, you can continue to stay in creativeness, and although we can stay in touch with our creative side, it’s difficult to balance creativity with a relationship. When you’re single, you have the time to figure out your mission statement for your life. It’s a critical time to find out who you are. When you’re not in a relationship, you can clear up inside of you what matters most and what is it that is valued.  Take the classes that we want, develop career goals, learn a new hobby, or live the life that you love.

Being in a relationship isn’t for everyone. We can be happy single if we pay attention to mindfulness and practice as much happiness by living in the present moment. By doing this we bring more quality to our lives and the lives around us. We can strengthen our friendships and have a lot of freedom at the same time. If you’re someone who worries about not being in a relationship, how you’re going to meet someone, or if you worry about what’s wrong with you; then you miss that opportunity to design your best day.

As a single, you no longer have to share financial burdens that many in relationships share. Instead, being single can push a person to be resourceful with what you have and not rely on someone else. You make yourself a priority. We can share our ups and downs with the friendships that we create and learn to focus on your self-improvement.

Single and lonely doesn’t have to be synonymous, instead, being single brings a person to appreciate their time alone. It frees us to be content and away from the need to chase others. Solitude brings self-reflection and self-reflection brings about confidence. Absolute solitude can’t happen when you’re in a relationship. Having your best relationships means first having a good understanding of your needs, wants, and values. That is what is truly what is meant to be. It’s the serendipity of relationships, more importantly, in being single.

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Finding True Serendipity

Society has a funny way of making its demands known to people, that at times, it seems challenging to make decisions on our own. One demand, in particular, is that we need to be married. It isn’t often that I meet people who say that they wish to find a good job, buy a home, and stay single. It always seems to be the opposite. They want to find a good job and buy a home and get married. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be in a relationship or to get married? And then I got to thinking, it’s the old world view that getting married means that we won’t ever be alone. That thinking couldn’t be further from the truth. If anything, we find ourselves in our older years alone.

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, even fifty years ago, the idea was to get married so that when you grow old you wouldn’t have to worry about who would take care of you. But also, there was the belief that if you were married, you would live longer. That philosophy has changed dramatically. There was a time when marriage was seen as the first non-biological factor that was used to identify with a long life. The thinking was that married people took fewer risks with their health and had better mental and emotional health. It was also believed that marriage provided more social and material support, meaning that there would be someone there to take you to the doctor or care for you when you got sick. However, when looking at the difference between married people and single people, especially with regards to health, that belief has narrowed. The reason is that the definition of marriage is changing, and there are many more options for care.

The truth is that having that piece of paper that tells two people that they are married is going to improve their health. Fifty years ago, being married did improve life, but not anymore. Nowadays, you can be single and never married, but have good friends or be in a relationship to reap the benefits of living longer without having a marriage certificate. What is being learned is that being single can be healthy. Single people, especially men, are living longer than ever before. In years prior, men, who never married had a lower life expectancy, but that is changing. Instead, single men are living just as long as men who are or have been married. The belief is that there are more support systems out there and health resources that are taking the place of having to have a life partner. In other words, over forty years ago, married men had the advantage over single men because there was someone there to take them to the doctor and they took care of themselves. Now, men and women are taking more responsibility for their health and wellness, and they are taking action to take better care of themselves. In actuality, being married may cause a decrease in living longer because of the effects of becoming a widow or widower.

Losing a partner, the one person that you have lived with perhaps your entire life can be devastating to the person who is grieving. As a result, people who become a widow or widower develop worse health than those who are married or single. It’s an issue that is becoming worse and now living without their partner lessens the years of their lives. I believe that this is because, at one time in life, we lived in a community of neighbors and extended family. That is rarely the case anymore, and because of it, the widow and widower are more likely to be isolated and alone.

Regardless of whether you are single, married, a widow, or widower is to be able to improve our lives on our own, outside of a relationship. It’s more than okay to be single and not have to worry about who will be there to take care of me. With so many resources out there, and choices to take care of ourselves, it shows that we don’t have to live with so much pressure to live up to society’s standards to be married. To me, that’s the true serendipity, and what is meant to be in life.

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I’m Sorry

One of my friends always says “I’m sorry.” It doesn’t matter what I say, but for whatever her reasons are, she only answers with sorry. I realize that it’s probably because she just doesn’t know what to say, but I also have come to feel the frustration that comes with hearing the same response all the time. That’s when I began to think about why people say that they’re sorry, and I’ve come to realize that it’s probably one of the most over-used words. Why is it that we are at a loss for words, that we turn to an expression that is used to show sympathy or to apologize?

Sorry is defined as feeling regret, sadness, and pity. The last thing that I want to feel is pity from anyone, but it still doesn’t answer the reason why sorry is so often overused. It’s a reflex that sends the wrong message. It’s not said that when we need to own up to being responsible for our actions, we rely on saying sorry to fill the gap of awkwardness when being told of news that affects someone else. Sorry finds its way into statements that don’t have anything to do with feeling remorse. One of the most concerning issues is that apologizing too much can lead to a person sounding insincere.

As a strategy for being polite, sorry has become the go-to word for keeping the peace without sounding too passive-aggressive. By changing to words such as thank you, we immediately can change the tone of our message to one that is positive.  Apologizing for simply existing isn’t enough. Instead, changing the words we use can make a difference in our conversations and our relationships with each other is more beneficial, and what is meant to be. Rather than staying in the habit of saying sorry, we can practice using words that give real meaning to what we are feeling and putting the unnecessary apologies away for when they are most needed.

Over-apologizing has become a common way of reacting to those around us. What many may not realize is how we lessen its meaning and its value, the more that we say we’re sorry. It can also show low-esteem and that we fear confrontation. Remembering that unless we have done something that is our fault, finding words that express what the other person may need, such as encouragement, could be the better option than saying I’m sorry.

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Tommorrow Isn’t Promised

Over the past year, we’ve experienced so much pain and loss. Some were due to the current virus, and others have passed for various reasons. No matter what the reason was for it happening, it still hurts us. Losing someone is never easy and it can leave such emptiness within us. I think sometimes that pain comes from not only the loss but realizing that while here on this earth, it will take before we see them again. We won’t have the chance to build new memories with that person. Fortunately, we have memories to keep that person alive in our hearts.

 Not long ago, I spoke at a funeral, for a woman, who I’ll call Phyllis, that I’ve known a good part of my life. She was someone that I looked up to. I remember the day that one of her good friends and I were to speak.  Phyllis’s good friend went first and she said the nicest things about her. I thought about what her good friend had to say and wondered why we wait to say the best about people after they pass away? Why do we wait until they’re gone? It seems backward to appreciate and to speak highly about others when they aren’t here to listen to our words of kindness and love.

I often think that it’s hard for people to say nice things about one another when we’re alive. We get caught up in the things of this world that we forget that tomorrow isn’t promised. It is a gift to have another day. It makes saying the nice things so much more important than waiting for the person to pass away. Birthday parties, Anniversaries, and many other life events allow us to say what’s on our minds. We celebrate a person once they’re gone, and yet I think it’s more important to celebrate a person when they’re alive.

Perhaps the reason we wait to say the nice things about a person when they are gone is that we take the time to reflect on the memories that we have together. It lessening the loss that we feel, but it goes with the saying you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. It’s important to remember that time is short. Eat the cake, absolutely, but also while the people that we have in our lives are still with us, spend time together, and like many, spending time together is the chance to laugh about old times, the good and the not so good, and even the flaws that we all have within ourselves.

As I think back about Phyllis, her life, and the wonderful things that were said about her, I am reminded that we all have good qualities. No matter what we are going through in the world, one thing is for sure, we are only here on this Earth for a fraction of time. Sometimes it’s expected to happen from a long illness or other circumstances, and other times it’s unexpected, and it catches us off guard. However, no matter if it’s expected or unexpected when that time does come, we will always celebrate a person’s life when they have passed away, but it’s also good to celebrate that person when they are alive and with us. It’s a gentle reminder of how precious time is, but also what is meant to be, that tomorrow isn’t promised to any one of us.

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Pictures Are Worth a Thousand Words

This weekend, I was looking around my Instagram account and a picture of someone familiar to me came up in my news feed. I felt my heart sink when I looked closer at the picture. At first, I felt envious, even angry at one point. I analyzed the picture and tried to make sense as to why the girl in the picture would post it up, even if it was their first anniversary. Let’s face it, one year together is a great thing, but in reality, today’s couples go the distance and a year is a mild milestone to me. I tried to make sense as to why they would this picture up, then I thought about how many couples clog up our news feeds with gushing statuses about each other, oversharing comments or selfies of themselves and even in the most mundane of situations, they may be doing it so to mask their relationship insecurities. Many times, couples who share the most on social media are often just seeking reassurance about their relationship from others.

Often it’s the people who post the most who are seeking validation for their relationship from other people on social media. They thrive on the likes and comments, which can be validating, that when someone is struggling, that’s where they get their up from – not the person making the gesture, but what other people say about it.

It is couples just like the one who was on my search feed who are the ones that are so keen to take pictures of each other and upload them to Instagram that is often missing and not living in the moment with their partners. You see people who will focus so much on taking a ‘relfie’ – a relationship selfie – and getting the right filter and hashtags that they’re missing the moment. I think, why don’t you take a photo because it’s a nice memory and a moment you want to look back to, instead of posting it on Instagram? It is couples that are taking these photos and putting them online and then watching the likes and comments instead of being with their partners.

Other things, such as common captions for relationship photos like ‘my man’ or ‘my girl’ could be signs of possessiveness. I think that some people don’t want to post about their relationships and some do, but if you are going to post… keep it fun and entertaining for people, not mushy and possessive. Of course, this all serves as another reminder that social media is not reflective of real life. While two people sharing a gushing selfie may appear like the most fun and in-love couple going, you never know what is going on behind closed doors, or computer screens.

I tried to remember a time before social media when my only means of connecting with friends and family was through calling or writing letters. We had little to no access to even my favorite  celebrities, whom I now feel like I “know” thanks to their readily available Instagram feeds. While social networking has had a hand in strengthening relationships, such as allowing us to keep in touch with friends and family across the globe, advancing our careers, and even helping us find love, it also has a mostly negative influence on romantic relationships.

Men and women are constantly being shown images of what the ‘ideal’ relationship looks like, and this can put a lot of strain on relationships that don’t live up to the ridiculous standards set by celebrity couples. It gives many a “grass is greener” mentality, where they’re not just wondering if there’s someone better out there for them, but they actually “see” better options. Much of how we express, or we don’t express our relationships on social media says a great deal about the status of them. However, if we look closer at what these couple posts reveal, we can learn the truth about their relationships. Here are some ways to understand these pictures better.

You Vent About Your Relationship

Whether it’s out of frustration or humor, taking your relationship grievances to social media in the form of a post for all the world to see will most likely come back to bite you, experts say, especially if you’re doing it to the extent where your partner feels exposed. This is a violation of both your partners and the relationship’s privacy and only shows your desperate need to feel important and be noticed.

It’s more important to look at your relationship through your own eyes than portray it for the world to see and judge. Instead, she suggests keeping any bit of information you’d consider private just that—private.

You Rarely Post Anything About Your Relationship

If you’re not someone who uses social media often, then it’s no surprise your few posts don’t center on your significant other. But if you’re someone who posts on the regular and only a handful are dedicated to your significant other, it can mean one of two things. Your lack of focus on your relationship could mean you are ashamed of it, or your partner, and simply do not value it as much as other aspects of your life. Or it could mean that privacy and intimacy are important to you and you don’t feel the need to share your relationship with friends and strangers.

You Post About Your Relationship Nonstop

If the only time you think to log on to social media is to say something or post a photo about your relationship, it says you have something to prove to the world. This may be a sign of insecurity as an individual or in your relationship. Commenting and including your partner on everything you do is what an insecure or codependent relationship looks like. If it’s your partner who is constantly commenting and including you on everything he or she posts, he or she is either trying to claim you as his or her property or showing signs of codependency.

You Post About Your Relationship Now and Then

If your relationship posts are in balance with other topics you post about, be it work, your passion for animals, or your exercise regimen, you are most likely in a healthy relationship and post about your significant other because he or she makes you happy. This kind of posting behavior is giving people a glimpse into your relationship without putting your whole life on display. This says that you have a healthy relationship that doesn’t need to be validated by other people.

You Frequently Post Love Letters to Your Partner

If you often feel the need to write love letter-type posts to your partner for all the world to see—not just on his or her birthday or Valentine’s Day,—it is most likely insincere. Showing your love for your partner is a beautiful thing, however, like all things, it is good in moderation. Give your followers a break and mix it up with your other interests.

You Only Post Photos If They’re Perfect

How we post photos on social media says a lot about who we are and our level of happiness and security in the relationships we find ourselves in. For example, if you’re someone who refuses to post a photo unless both people look their very best and, perhaps, even find yourself constantly enhancing features with one of the hundreds of photo-enhancing apps available, you are likely unhappy with either yourself or your relationship. This might mean that you’re either trying to convince yourself or the world that the relationship is perfect when it’s less than ideal and are avoiding the problem areas that need to be fixed.

Most of the Photos You Post Are Selfies

While there’s nothing wrong with a good old selfie, especially when the lighting is too good to pass up, if every photo on your feed features you and only you, it shows that getting attention is your number one mission. If you only post selfies, crop you, so out of photos, and mention very little about him or her, then it is clear your relationship with him or she isn’t a major priority. You’re more seeking attention and self-promotion than hoping to display your relationship. When one partner is receiving constant attention, whether wanted or unwanted, from total strangers all the time, this can create issues in a relationship.

Posting pictures on Instagram is just one way of sharing yourself with the world around you. However, once we get past the pictures of ourselves with friends and family, and we cross the line with posting personal pictures, and even private to a relationship. We should think about what the message is that we are trying to send to people. I have pictures that I was fortunate enough to have taken with someone important to me. I wouldn’t share them with Instagram, or any online presence. It’s not because they don’t have worth, rather, it’s just the opposite. Because these pictures and the person is so important to me, they have an added value to my life, and I don’t want to share them with anyone. That’s what’s meant to be, they are personal and special to me. We all take pictures of our life and we want to share the joys and pleasures with the people we care about, but we should find that comfortable balance between the two of you. That’s what makes a picture worth more than a thousand words.

The Attraction Question

I often wondered what made us become attracted to some people and not to others. Is it something within our DNA, or is it that stars align themselves in such a way, that we can’t deny our feelings? These are the questions that I asked myself, and yet, hadn’t been able to find the answers, that is, until now. The biology behind what brings about attraction for some and not others can be as simple as where we live and having a sense of humor. If we think about the many celebrities who have fallen for a co-star, it’s easy to see how attraction can flourish. Having repeated exposure increases the likelihood that we will become attracted to them. Being in proximity to someone is the most powerful indicator of attraction. We are drawn to people we see frequently.

Other factors such as our environment teaches us who we think is attractive. This goes beyond just physical features, but rather the people who are or have been in our lives plays a role in attraction. Personality traits such as kindness also influences who we might like, but it is also possible that the thinking that opposites really don’t attract truly does exist. Think about how many times we have heard the saying that opposites attract. It couldn’t be further from the truth. The more we have in common with a person, the more likely we are in taking that chance in getting to know someone. Having common interests is a factor for attraction, and without them, some relationships are able to withstand the time for only so long.

The majority of people believe that the idea that opposites attract. However, what really causes attraction is when two people are similar to each other.  This is known as the “phantom stranger technique.” The greater the similarities, the more likely we are to find an attraction for someone. It’s what is meant to be when thinking about what causes some people to be interested in some and not others. Since most people have an idea what they are looking for in someone, but we are likely to be unaware of how common qualities bring someone to seek another person out. It is our past experiences, where we live, and our biology all bring attention to what attracts us most about a person.

Living with Courage

Courage is something that so many people want to have in life. It represents character and earns respect, it is symbolic of bravery and self-sacrifice. However, it’s not just about physical bravery. There are other types that range from physical strength, endurance, mental stamina, and innovation. Courage has brought people to follow their dreams, but having the courage to do something, no matter what, can be challenging. It can mean doing something even when afraid, and yet still moving towards your goal. It’s the triumph to succeed when you’re scared. Its action over reaction, and it can lead us to following our hearts.

It takes courage to finding self-discovery, rather than to challenge ourselves. It means following our desires to become who we really want to be. We all know what we want out of life, but going with your heart requires us to not take second best. Instead, we persevere in the face of adversity. It isn’t uncommon to be afraid, but it also means that aren’t occupying ourselves with endeavoring to prove that there isn’t a danger. Rather, we strengthen ourselves to go on in spite of the danger. I don’t think that there is any one person that’s braver than the next person. It’s about being bold and taking the courage to roar. To try again tomorrow and standing up for what we feel is right. Although it also means being open to expanding your horizons, and letting go of what is familiar.

It was once said that man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. The world demands that we live with qualities of youth, where it’s not about a time in our life, but a state of mind. Life has the ability to grow the more courage that we have, and it can require shedding tears to get where we want to go. There is no need to be ashamed of tears because our tears show that we have the greatest courage. We make the best of our circumstances and continue to live full of faith.

Think about a time when you were strong, and what was meant to be for you. Think about a situation when you felt afraid, yet you chose to face your fear. There was something about that time or something that you said to yourself that brought you to help yourself in facing that fear. Remember what you observed, what you thought, and how you felt during that time. You are inspiring, beautiful, courageous, and amazing. I always think that when fear feels too much, it’s time to remind ourselves that we have the skills to become stronger and face life with courage.

The Green-Eyed Monster Within

There isn’t one person who is immune to the emotions that are found with jealousy and envy. At some point in life, we have all experienced it. Either it is at work, within friendships, or something else; jealous and envy are very real feelings that have a way of effecting your life. Fortunately, there is a way to not let these emotions overpower your life. There are ways of getting through it, but it’s also important to understand the difference between being jealous and being envious.

I use to think that I was jealous of this one person because she has the guy that I could only dream of having in life. I wished with all my might to have her life and to be in her shoes. I believed for a long time that it was jealousy that was overtaking me until I realized that I was really envious of her. Envious that she had the opportunity to talk and see this person whenever, wherever she wanted to, on any given day. For me, that way of living is really just a dream. While most may say that’s jealousy, there’s a difference between these two emotions. Often these two words are used interchangeably, but they are both quite distinct. Jealousy comes about whenever there is a threat to something that is of value to a person, that feeling you get when something is being taken away from you. Envy happens when somebody has something that you want for yourself.

There is a reason why people often have mistaken a jealous reaction and a reaction of envy because they are both so similar. Envy has what is known as a gap between what you have and what the other person has, that another person has something that you want, just like me. The goal is to reduce the gap by either bringing the other person down or bringing yourself up. With jealousy, the thinking is to protect yourself from having something taken away from you. Both of these emotions can elicit aggression, this is what makes knowing the difference between the two to be difficult. With envy, that feeling of aggression comes out because you don’t want that person to be superior over you. With jealousy, you don’t want someone to take whatever it is away from you. At times, jealousy can also attach itself to feelings of envy, but not always. While envy can easily be felt without having feelings of jealousy, where you have the fear of something being taken away from you.  Although, the real question remains, how do we stop ourselves from having these emotions interfere in our lives?

Jealousy is oftentimes rooted in self-esteem. The main feeling of jealousy is the person’s own feelings about themselves. Self-esteem, whether we have high or low, is a great predictor by the quality and the strength of our relationships. Being about to change these feelings is about changing how we think about ourselves. This can help lessen the feeling of jealousy. Focusing on the positive traits about ourselves can help to boost self-esteem. People who are good at shifting how they think about themselves always highlight the positive is really good at decreasing jealousy. The emotions of jealousy are not easy ones to have, but these are feelings that are based on protecting a relationship.  On the side of it, not feeling jealousy at all, can be an indicator that there isn’t much value for the relationship that a person is in, that the person doesn’t really care.

Envy is emotional pain, and often times that emotional pain translates into physical pain. It’s painful to be inferior to someone else. The goal of an envious person is to do whatever it takes to reduce the pain, and while envy is considered to be a negative emotion, it’s all an extremely important one.  This is because envy is a very important emotion in terms of survival and keeping to a relative status. Envy is related to competitiveness. The more envious a person is, the more competitive that they are in succeeding in life.  Although not easy, admitting that you are envious of an envious person, allows for a person to find the areas where they can excel, as it is very specific to one thing or aspect in a person’s life.

Being able to surround yourself with true friends and family can help to remind ourselves of our value in social interactions when you do feel jealous or envious, so to keep away from the feeling that many of us have felt when we have encountered jealousy and envy. William Shakespeare had called it the emotions of the green-eyed monster in Othello.  That feeling of how jealousy, even envy, can still up a person from a fit of green-eyed jealousy. It’s the visual idea of just how powerful and dangerous of a monster it can be to a person. It shows that what is truly meant to be is to understand what is our driving force, and no matter what our circumstances may be in life. It’s what’s meant to be, to find that balance and perfect peace from the influence of the green-eyed monster from within.

 

A Disappointed Heart

I rarely find myself disappointed by others. Perhaps it’s because I try to think of the worst situation, but hope for the best.  It was something that I was taught years ago, but every so often someone will bring about those feelings that I feel frozen, and my heart breaks into what feels like a million pieces. I call this feeling a disappointed heart. Disappointment puts us in a place where we are standing still and we aren’t always sure what to do. We feel anger, anxiety, and sadness altogether. We begin to ask ourselves questions about how we become disappointed, to begin with. Truth is, it’s not difficult to fall into a place where we begin to point the finger of judgment with the person, but instead, treating people with respect and with thinking as to how you would want to be treated is one way of getting through the disappointment.

There is nothing wrong with taking a step back and really think about the situation before reacting. Think if you did do anything to cause this person to disappoint you. We all have a role in our relationships. Ask as many questions as you can think of, this is the only way to logically work out what had happened. It also allows us to think about if we have put an expectation on the person. Often times, disappointment happens because we may have put too high of an expectation on them, which causes us to become disappointed.

Other things to consider is being able to imagine what the other person will feel like, or how they would react to your reactions. I find that I don’t just react. I do think about it. Once I’ve looked at the situation from all points of view, from all angles, then I am able to understand how I became disappointed, to begin with, but also getting the perspective of others helps because the other person can look at the situation objectively. Having someone else’s perspective means that we need to keep an open mind and to take the parts that feel true to you.

There are many ways to react to a person who has disappointed us. For instance letting the person know that they have hurt us, writing a letter of separation with a note of thanks for all the good times. There are many ways to approach it. However, I’ve found that living with the highest truth is often what is meant to be since it means living by example. It’s unfortunate that we can’t be all things to all people at all times. However, we can stand up for ourselves and what we believe in. We can admit our faults, especially since we are all human. No one is perfect, but we do have the ability to move through our feelings. It’s the ones that we love that seem to have the ability to disappoint us most, but it doesn’t have to be an end all be all. We can improve the meaning you give to it a little better, see yourself in the other person’s perspective and honor the person’s perspective and ask for the change that you want, but also to get understand what you feel. Sometimes it’s a matter of saying, “I’m disappointed by the problem, but I love you.” As long as love is more important than the disappointment, you can work out just about any problem that exists.

What We Want and Deserve

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Love isn’t as easy as it was even ten or fifteen years ago. I often think about how technology is making it harder to find someone to love, but I also think about how easy it is to fall for people by what they include online. We can follow someone’s pictures and posts and think to ourselves “this person is exactly what I’m looking for, they’re cute, funny, and would make the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend.” The hard part of it all is that it’s not always completely accurate. I’m not saying that the person couldn’t be cute or funny in real life, but without that in-person interaction, it’s hard to tell. I often wonder could, can we fall in love with someone that we’ve never met before? This past weekend, one of my favorite movies was on, Maid in Manhattan. It is a great story of hope and love, but also one that defies the odds. There was a line that got to me. It was when Marissa says to her friends that she had a connection with Chris. Her friend Stephanie made it clear that Marissa and Chris were from two different worlds, and it brought to think about Rachel. Let’s think about it.

Rachel was well into her forties when she first found Sam, who was twenty years her junior. He was perfect to her. He was tall, dark hair, and a personality that could make you laugh for hours. It was the type of guy that Rachel had been looking for her whole life, but there were two bigger problems at hand. The first was he was well-known to the world. The second issue was that they had never met, yet Rachel was head over heels over him. Too many times she had heard the response from people around her, “You don’t know him, and he doesn’t know you. You don’t live in his world.” It was true, she didn’t know him, but what was Rachel to do with her feelings? It was hard enough that he was good looking and popular. It didn’t make the fact that they had never met any better for Rachel. Instead, it just frustrated her more.

With no outlet to put her feelings and tons of free advice from everyone around her, Rachel began to fall apart inside. On the outside she laughed a lot and made it seems like nothing was wrong, but inside she was hurting. She began to feel embarrassed for the way she felt. Following every social media story, Rachel felt like she knew Sam. She felt a connection to him that no one else could understand. Her feelings were real, they were undeniably genuine. All that she needed was the reality, the in-person chance to meet him. Rachel made a connection with Sam online, and it is definitely possible to have intense feelings for someone that we’ve never met. We can have strong emotional and even spiritual connection with someone that we’ve never met. At the same time, it’s an idolized version of the love that we wish to have ourselves.

Like Rachel, it’s that desire to have that relationship. Without being able to spend time with someone in person, in real life, it becomes easier to fall in lust or fall in love with the idea of who the person is vs who they actually are in real life. We are able to conveniently skip the everyday nuances and challenges that arise when you share a life together with that person. Their ups and downs, their challenges and struggles that often strengthen and develop a closeness when in a relationship.

Building feelings for someone that we haven’t met because of what we see online has built a paradox, and illusion. At the same time, it is about having an attachment with a person despite never meeting them is really about the desire to be loved. In the end, isn’t that what so many of us want to have, love and to be loved. It brings me to understand what is meant to be for Rachel, and how she felt, and her thinking: “what if I never meet Sam?” Truth it, there is always a chance to meet that one person that has sparked your emotions. That one person that you have built a strong love for someone that you have never met, there is no question that a real connection and potential for something more can exist. As long as the expectations are realistic, like Rachel, we can all have what we want and deserve.