Cristina Guarneri's Blog, page 3

Soul Mates

I decided that today was a good day to just sit down and actually read through the entire newspaper. It’s not something that I do often, but after reading all of the news that I could handle for one day, I came across an advice column. In it, there was a letter from an anonymous person that stated that she had met her soul mate. After going through a divorce and finally being single to date, her soul mate married someone else. She couldn’t stop thinking about him and wondered if she should choose between marrying someone that she didn’t really want to be with, or staying single for the rest of her life. The advice columnist answered by saying that he may have been your soul mate, but you weren’t his soul mate. There is still time to find someone else that will fulfill you.

I came to think about what it really meant to have a soul mate. I’m not one that believes that there is just one single person out there, but many if we allow ourselves. There are people with that we will feel a connection, but to hold ourselves to just one person can cause a great deal of unnecessary heartbreak. It instills this thinking that there is this one perfect person out there for each of us. We have accepted the world’s idea of finding true love to mean that there is a match made in heaven. The thinking that we find in the book, “and they lived happily ever after,” is the fairy tale ending that many single people are looking for in life. It’s a cultural norm that insists that a single person should search to find their one perfect match, a soul mate.

In the Bible, for example, we don’t see this idea that God has one special someone for you and that you need to search to find this person. In the Garden of Eden, God creates Adam a suitable companion for him and that man shouldn’t be alone. Godly companionship is more of what is being conveyed. However, the issue is that society’s idea of a soul mate is that it looks to accomplish the same goal of companionship apart from the knowledge of God. Even so, the Bible is not completely quiet or silent on soul mates. In verses such as 1 Samuel 18:1, “And it came to pass when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” It is clear in this scripture that the biblical view of a soul mate is described as a close friendship. Just like the friend who is able to finish all of your sentences. Jonathan and David, they shared a strong bond of friendship, willing to risk their lives for each other. The Bible describes this as a soulmate. The capacity to connect deeply on the soul level can be found in Deuteronomy 13:6, “..thy friend, which is as thine own soul,” as husbands and wives are connected entirely, including at the soul level. Lastly, Song of Solomon 3:5, “I have found the one whom my soul loves.” The most romantic Bible verse shares that there are some people we are attracted to, or our soul loves, more than others. However, attraction can’t substitute God’s wisdom for us. Let’s think about this since it is about the love story of the young King Solomon and the Shulamite. We all know that King Solomon had many wives by the end of his life. So attraction at the soul level wouldn’t be an indicator of lasting, true love.

Soul mates are mentioned in the Bible, but it’s not the same idea that the world has in finding or creating that one person. Rather than looking for a soulmate, look to God’s wisdom for what He has for you. True love is sacrificial love, not self-serving. Instead of looking for that one perfect match, be the perfect match, remembering that love is patient and kind. It isn’t envious or boastful or proud, but instead protects, trusts, hopes, and endures in every situation. So as the advice columnist had stated that there are choices for the heartbroken woman, don’t get caught up in the hype of what you think is meant to be, but rather, submit your love life to Him, and you will find your soul mate.

Testing Your Friendships

There are friendships that are said to go through long periods of time without talking, and those two people can proceed into their relationship together like no time has been lost. I often think twice about this saying, not because I don’t think that people couldn’t get back on the beat, but like any relationship, it needs to be nurtured and cared for if it’s ever going to grow. Friendships have a positive effect on our lives. It’s not just about having a shoulder to cry on, but the health effects are essential for every one of us. I think that we focus on the friendships built since childhood and adolescents, but in reality, it’s the quality of friendships well into adulthood that have an effect on our health and well-being.

It’s our friendships that tend to rank high on our lists that bring us satisfaction. It’s not to say that the friends we made as children and teenagers don’t rank, but as people grow older and move away, we become closer to our adult friends, even sharing characteristics from our childhood friends, but the truth is, as we grow older, our expectations change in our friendships. That’s not a bad thing either. We may even have fewer friendships as we become adults, as quality is the focus over quantity. Having thousands of friends doesn’t afford deeper, shared friendships to develop over time. As adults, we don’t need to win popularity contests, but rather, a handful of strong friendships have a higher value than tons of shallow ones. Late in life, friendships form with neighbors and co-workers and can instead sustain mental health for us.

You may wonder what is the definition of friendship, which can be defined as a voluntary and mutual relationship, involving companionship, a shared history, and mutual appreciation plus friends treating each other as peers. Sharing emotions, and thoughts, having trust, having similar qualities, and being respectful are all important to find in a person that you call a friend, but think about what your current friendships are like, and how do those friendships affect your life? How does your closest one measure up? Here are sample questions to give you an idea of what took place in the focus groups. See how you would answer them:

What does friendship mean to you?What does your best friend mean to you?Does your friendship affect your life habits?Has your perspective on friendship changed over time?What do you share with your best friend?Do you argue with your best friend? What do you argue about? How do you solve the conflict?

After thinking about your friendships, you may want to further ask yourself whether the friendships that you have now would be different from the ones that you have had in the past.  You should be able to relate to the major themes, such as:

Behavioral processes:

Sharing emotions, thoughts, and activities.Maintaining boundaries even while having a relationship.Self-sacrificing for the good of your friend.

Cognitive processes:

Trusting your friend; feeling safe.Being in harmony; complementing each other.Willing to maintain the friend relationship.

Structural characteristics:

Being transparent, sincere, and honest.Having similar qualities as your friend but also enjoying the differences.Reciprocating emotions and behavior.

Developmental qualities specific to emerging adulthood:

Contributing to the other person’s growth.Accepting the friend’s flaws.Learning from prior friendship experiences.

Perhaps the key distinction for younger vs. older adults has to do with fitting a friendship into a larger social structure, the one that develops as your range of experiences widens. It might also take more effort to maintain that sense of a “partner in life,” but deep down, this may be a quality that has endured over time.

Looking at the previous four features of friendship from above, how many boxes can you check off when it comes to the person you consider your closest friend? Would you go out of your way to help this person, even if it comes at some cost to you? Do you and your friend share a good laugh from time to time?

All relationships have the potential to affect an individual’s well-being, it’s what’s meant to be in life. Friendships have this distinctive feature that can contribute to that well-being, especially once you gain insight into the factors that can help you realize their ability to contribute to your fulfillment and that of your friend over the course of your life, that’s the true test of friendship.

Friends that Never Leave

There are tried and true signs of whether a friend wants to be in your life or not. A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only know your smile. This quote has no known author, but it speaks to the heart. Over the years, I have put myself out there for all of my friends. Unfortunately, there is one friend who hasn’t made any effort. Through the ups and downs, I’ve made myself available to listen to her tears, agree with her when wronged, and even helped her learn the truth of some of her relationships, but she just isn’t there for me. It’s difficult and even heart-wrenching to evaluate some of my friendships, and as I get older, I’m less tolerant of anything less than having people who will present. Not just some number that amounts to an added social media friend, but real friendships with people like the ones you see on television and in movies.

You think that they are your friend, maybe even your best friend, but in reality, they’re just looking for the next best thing. We all have them, and it may take a few times or more to figure them out, but soon you will find that your true friends are the ones texting you in the early morning hours, double-fisting ice cream and a roll of cookie dough after you just had an argument with someone in your life, but when you find yourself all alone, you have to come to terms with whose there for you and just who is not. It’s one of those heartbreaking moments when you realize that your friend no longer wants to be your friend.

It’s not that you’ve drifted apart or a big fight over something that wasn’t even worth fighting about, it’s rather personal on their part. They want nothing to do with us anymore. The person that used to be your go-to when you wanted to go on an adventure or talk about anything under the sun is now giving you a signal that they want nothing to do with us. You start to wonder what happened that they’re no longer interested in being friends, and truth be told, you may never find out. They will probably make up some excuse such as they’re busy or have a lot to do, but when you realize that you’re being pushed aside to hang out with the “cooler people,” makes it difficult to believe a lie.

We can all take a hint when someone isn’t interested, but when you’re the only one making an effort, this is by far one of the most important behaviors when determining if someone wants to be your friend or not. Look at how much effort you’re putting into it, compared to the other person. Do you send holiday cards or birthday wishes with nothing in return? If not, then there’s a sure sign that it’s a one-sided relationship, and a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. This is when you have to take a step back. Clearly, you’re being shown that no matter what you do, you will be no more than a memory.

Other signs such as they have time for others but not you are just as painful as putting in the effort, and getting nothing in return. With social media just about everywhere, it makes it nearly impossible to not be able to contact each other. It also makes it so that we can see when our friends are lying to us, and excuses no longer mean much anymore. Social media has made it so that there isn’t anything hidden, so when friends are constantly telling you that they are busy, it’s the realization that they don’t want to be bothered and is a gentle reminder of how when conversations are kept short and they only contact you when they need something, that even well into adulthood, behavior speaks volumes of who thinks we matter in their lives.

No one deserves to feel less than second best. Friendships are important and it’s what help us not feel alone. Every friendship will give you a signal, but if you’re not getting the friendship that you deserve, it doesn’t define who you are as a person. It just means that there is someone better out there for you, it’s what’s meant to be. Having one or two good friends seems much better than having ten who give you excuses. The saying is true, The people who want to be in your life show up. Not because they will get something in return, but because they are truly on your side. True friends aren’t about who came first and who you’ve known the longest… it’s about who came and never left.

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Misery Loves Company

Who hasn’t heard the saying, “misery loves company?” I’m not sure if its true meaning, but I’ve heard it often during my lifetime. I think what gets the most is does misery love the company, or is it the other way around? It’s a question that I’ve asked myself time and again. When I looked it up in the dictionary, it states that it’s people who are unhappy and want to share their troubles.  Other definitions were that because people are unhappy, they like to share their troubles with others. For years, there’s been this thinking that we are drawn to people who are equally miserable as ourselves. Although wouldn’t that be the same as saying that we are all miserable to some level? It’s a saying that makes me wonder if we are depressed together because another person’s mood affects our own.

Let’s face it, people do gravitate to other people. It’s who we are, we look for others with the same traits. From the very beginning of our relationships, the emotional tone is already set. The longer that we interact with someone, the more likely our moods, our thinking, and emotional state start to mirror each other. There isn’t much change. The company that we keep remains with us over weeks, months, even years.  It may have been an age-old proverb, but the sentiment gives us comfort in the fact that others are suffering with them. This doesn’t mean that we want other people to be suffering along with us, but there is comfort in knowing that we aren’t alone, that there is a feeling of togetherness. For example, people who complain more often feel comfort from telling everyone about their problems. This is because when others hear the complaints, they feel a sense of empathy for them, and their mood ends up getting disturbed.  It makes sense to how telling others about your misery helps people to feel better. It’s one of the most sincere ways to respect another is by listening to what someone else has to say. I know it’s not easy to hear someone else’s complaints, especially if it happens often. Think about how that person would respond and feel if they had no one to talk to about what was angering them, what was making them afraid, and the list can go on and on. In a way, listening to even just one person could mean that you’re helping someone to feel better about themselves and their situation.

Neighbors, friends, or strangers, we support each other and spend time with those around us. We all don’t have the luxury of having people live with us. We are built to behave in a way that works for us, and the most unnatural thing to do, especially if you’re afraid, is to avoid others. Yet for years, that’s exactly what society has told us to do. Instead of seeking out others in a time of need, we are told to avoid others. We isolate ourselves. That goes against the very core instinct that we need as people. People need people and when misery comes out, we no longer feel isolated in our emotions. It’s what is meant to be in life, social, and if that social includes telling others what gives us misery could very well be the key to helping someone to feel better in life. There is age-old thinking that is true, happy people seek out other happy people, and those who are down and out may seek the same.

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Finding Direction

Sometimes it can be challenging to know what direction life is taking you. It may be in our careers, relationships, or just everyday living. Our hearts tell us to go one way, but our mind challenges us to do the opposite. It’s frustrating to know who to listen to, our hearts or our minds. Truth is, having direction leads to a happier life. Our internal maps lead us to feel fulfilled and it helps us when making decisions when to make those decisions, set goals, and slowly make progress in what matters to us in our lives. However, it’s not always easy to know what direction to take, and it’s not always easy to set goals that you can achieve. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to recognize your direction, the one that would help you to live up to your purpose?

If you ever feel like your lacking meaning and purpose, more than likely you haven’t found the direction that works for you. We all can understand right from wrong, but there are times when we wish that we could just close our eyes and go with it because we don’t understand our purpose in life.  Direction can be found in several ways, through trusting instinct, finding your strengths, and living by your values.  Finding direction isn’t something that is found overnight, it takes time to know and experience what it is you value the most, but it helps to have supportive people around so that you can learn from their experiences and find focus.

Truth is, life has many opportunities for us to grow, but we have to be willing to initiate the steps that will provide us with direction. That means if you are someone who procrastinates, getting out of your comfort zone and starting planning is the first step to gaining direction. Think of it this way, if you are satisfied in your current state, you will have a difficult time finding direction in life. It also helps us with finding the focus that we need, since we can easily find people who are losing focus by looking at their habits. If they are someone who keeps switching jobs and changing their narrative, they are probably living without focus. It’s difficult to have direction if you don’t have focus, and without focus, then there can’t be action taking place.

Action is where we set goals into motion. It takes time to take action and to achieve, but by taking action, that’s when you can begin to resolve your problems and decrease whatever obstacles that are preventing you from believing in your path and your purpose in life. We all have a purpose for being here. We all have strengths, and they may not be the same as the person next to you, but that doesn’t mean that your abilities have been lost. Always remember to be kind to yourself and to stay positive, no matter what happens in life. Stay positive and stay hopeful because the right path is out there for you. It’s yours for the choosing, and even though our paths can become difficult, and yes there are hardships along the way, facing them with a healthy and positive attitude helps you to face the challenges ahead. This is also how we find out what makes us happy.

There are people out there who believe that being happy is the only important thing in life and everything else must follow, but happiness is much more than that. Happiness is a state of mind and you can only have it when you know that you’re on the right path. Remember to trust your instincts, even when at a crossroads, because often our decisions are based on our past experiences. Listen to what others have to say about you and your goals in life, but ultimately, be your own judge and never forsake your values just stand out in a crowd. This is just another way to recognize the direction and your goals. It’s what’s meant to be if you are going to live your life with integrity. Always be honest and fair if you want to find the direction that works for you. Living with integrity helps us to maintain balance in life, and who doesn’t want to live life without a roadmap, and living on your own terms.

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Living Single

There is so much pressure to be married today. I’m not sure where thinking came from that if you’re married that you would never be alone. Life doesn’t work that way. I’ve seen so many people get married, have children, and find themselves without their partner and their children away. The truth is, being single seems to still be taboo today. There is a false way of thinking that people will be your security. Where did the stigma of being single and never marrying become an issue?

I can’t tell you how many times I am asked why I never married. It’s as if people want to believe that something is wrong with me just because I made a conscious choice to stay single. I get this especially from married couples and women who are in the latter days of their lives. I never dreamed about getting married, the big wedding, or having children. It just wasn’t a part of my make-up. Instead, I always dreamed about having an education, a career that I would love, and good friends. I feel that those are the things that are sustainable.  One New York City author found herself in the same position that I was in. Here she was, in her thirties, unmarried, and at a dinner party that was surrounded by couples. When the conversation turned to her love life, she simply said, “I don’t really know if I’m going to date anyone ever again. Some people are just alone forever.” Her friends rushed to assure her that love comes when you least expect it and to made recommendations for new dating apps. Like me, she wondered, “why, when there are more unmarried adults than ever before would there be so much pressure to couple up? Why does everyone treat me as though my real life won’t start until I find a partner? Isn’t this my real life, the one I’m living right now? Is there something wrong with me, or is there something wrong with our culture?

Over the course of the following year, she set out to answer these questions to see if there was a trick to escaping loneliness. She went on hundreds of dates, read all of the relationship experts out there, and even got into the wellness industry. She tossed it all aside to binge-watch Netflix and eat nachos only to learn that there is a bias in our culture, one that is deep, against being single. She didn’t have to deal with being hurt and the heartbreak that can happen with dating. She was done with it all. She could be alone without being lonely.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. We could be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely. We spend so much time trying to find someone to fall in love with, that we forget to fall in love with ourselves. The assumption that you have to get married is a cliché that turned many to believe that their self-worth comes from being married. I couldn’t disagree more. We don’t have to change our lives, our addresses, and professions so that we can find that one person that will give us self-worth. What is meant to be will be, and living a full life can mean many things to different people. There is also something that leaves you vulnerable when asked why anyone would want to stay single. Like a fine wine, I have never understood why we have to age in a glass when we can be easily, just as happy in our own individual bottle. It may not be the best analogy, but it’s one that sticks out in my mind. There is nothing wrong with being happy on your own and just to be living single.

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Seeing Things Differently

In every relationship, there comes a time when problems arise. We just see things differently, and sometimes, we have trouble working things out. It can be between any two people, but the effects of disagreements have the same effect on us.  Can two people having a disagreement both be right? It’s a question that I often ask myself.

The argument and the rationale seem so reasonable, and yet they see each other as anything but reasonable. Each person has their own view of the problem, their actions are understandable. However, their responses to the person are expressed as being unfair, hurtful behavior, yet their accounts of what happened between them are the same. The events, but not the interpretation, and even still, the events that led up to their disagreement are usually different in important ways. It is a lot like a pendulum that goes back and forth. It’s the result of looking at the situation from different perspectives. Each perspective is clear and even compelling, that is until the perspective is considered. I think that what becomes more important with disagreements is understanding how the pieces to the puzzle fell apart.

What is it that causes different perspectives of the same situation to happen? I’ve come to believe that the main reason is a self-serving bias. It is our human tendency to look and analyze information in a way that is favorable to ourselves, that makes us look good to ourselves. It makes us look at the situation and makes it seem good for us morally and to be absolutely right.  People can have different perspectives at times. How the disagreement begins and ends is a back and forth pattern, a sequence really, showing how comments by one person to another can develop into comments of retaliation. Disagreements are consistent self-serving biases where both people feel that it all began with a hurtful comment that needed to address by a response that was equally hurtful.

We might blow up in reaction to an ordinary comment because we are still angry over what the person said a week or two ago. When this happens, our boundary lines are drawn and we start to think back to all of the other comments that were said, the history of it all. This is where the self-fulfilling expectation starts to enter, and our reactions to them are influenced by memories of the person’s past behavior. That’s when the sequence of an argument happens. Many times the person who made the initial comment expects the argument, not for what had happened, but for what happened in the past. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We expect anger and react by becoming angry at ourselves, they often initiate anger in someone who might not otherwise have gotten mad at them. It is the expectation that what they predict will happen does and what is predicted is confirmed.  For anyone who is in the middle of a pattern of disagreement with someone, it can be hard to see what is happening, but slowly things down, taking a step back, and talking things out can show the pattern, which could help ease and prevent disagreements in the future.

We all have our reasons for why things happen, even if those reasons may not be seen. It helps to put those past memories and keep them back in time. Rather than going back to history, it’s the way to not allow expectations to overpower our thinking. At the same time, for those who put those past memories on the table for the other person to view and to discuss them if this is what is meant to be, then we then have the information that is needed to correct any misunderstandings, to reassure fears, to apologize for past pain that was caused, and to make a plan to interact with happiness for the future.

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Love Is All Around

I had just finished watching a marathon of The Mary Tyler Moore Show. It had been years since I had seen the show, and it reminded me just how much the characters and the writings were so prevalent today, even after some thirty years later. The theme song, “Love Is All Around” is one of those songs that should easily be played on radio stations again. The lyrics, “Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.” The lyrics set the tone for the series about a single woman making a go of it in Minneapolis. What caught my attention to both the show and its lyrics is how the lines change in the show’s theme song. In the first season, the words are, “Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have the town, why don’t you take it. You might just make it after all.” In the second season, the last line of the song changes to, “You’re gonna make it after all.” All because she’s made it I realize how many times a chance wasn’t taken. Not only in my life, but in those around me.

Life feels like it goes by so quickly, but in reality, it isn’t as fast as we think. We have learned how to fill our days to keep busy, and because of it, life seems to pass by so quickly. As I think about the lyrics of “Love Is All Around” it reminds me that there are many chances that we can take in life. We can take a chance and return to school, change careers, find love, or learn to appreciate the silence. Rather than take those chances we make excuses for why we must standstill. Often we make excuses for our future as a habit. We limit our ability to meet our full potential and capabilities.

We all make excuses from time to time. We rationalize the reason why we didn’t follow through on commitments. Sometimes we make excuses because of our situations. We come up with excuses to keep ourselves comforted, or we experience fear. Fear prevents us from moving forward and keeps us in a comfort zone. People will stay afraid of things because they don’t understand or lack the information needed. There is the fear of failing, so whenever you try something new or take a risk, there is that risk of failing or trying something new. However, it’s important to remember that we don’t always fail at everything that we do in life. Another is comparing ourselves to other people. Some people fear being compared or perceived to be better than themselves. We begin to measure ourselves to see if we perform better or worse than others. By comparing yourself to other people, you aren’t giving yourself a chance to succeed.

Eric Thomas once said, “Be stronger than your excuses.” Tell yourself that you do have the time, money, and education to pursue something. How you decide to spend your money and your time defines your priorities. It’s important to take chances and to reinvent ourselves and stop making excuses. You may never know what you’re capable of if you have an excuse for everything that comes your way. Don’t settle for less than what you are worth because the one thing that making excuses can do is cause regret. Go after that goal, knowing you have the power to change. That’s what is meant to be in life, and to remember, you’re gonna make it after all because just like the theme song to The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Love Is All Around. There is no need to waste it. You can and will make it after all.

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True Friends

Sometimes realizing who you’re true friends are is the hardest and most unpleasant experiences. It’s a hurtful experience to have to go through, but in the long run, it’s good to know who you can and can’t depend on in life. For almost two decades, I thought the ones who were closest to me were my true friends, but I learned while going through a stressful couple of years, that they were anything but true friends. At first it saddens you to find out that someone you trusted didn’t deserve your trust at all, and as time heals all wounds. It’s better to know who your true friends are. Let’s face it, these are the people who are the essential ingredient to your happiness both now and in the future, but how can you tell who are your false friends? If you’re asking yourself this question, there are three questions to ask yourself.

The first question to ask yourself is what is the basis of your relationship with them? Take a step back and become your own observer. Do you find that the relationship is based on something that is shallow, such as doing favors, money, or making connections? Does it have a purpose in your life for internal or emotional fulfillment such as the material world or the spiritual world? It’s great to be able to offer others opportunities to help them to get ahead, but the question is can your friendship survive after the perks go away? The truth is the answer may be no. If your friendship is heartfelt, a meaningful one, then the superficial things really don’t matter. A true friendship is based on respect and appreciation for one another, which can’t ever be bought or negotiated.

The second question to ask yourself is there an even exchange of energy that exists? Friendships should be an equal give and take. If you feel like you are giving much more than the other person, then the friendship won’t last long. It’s very possible that the person you have befriended is more self-centered and overly involved in themselves and their own importance. The minute that you stop trying to satisfy them, they cut ties with you, which actually is the greatest give that they can give you. This is mostly because they believe that they are right and everyone else is wrong, because they aren’t able to see themselves as the reason for what isn’t going right in the friendship. This is the kind of person who puts the blame on other people and their circumstances for their lot in life. They believe that the world is happening to them.

Being friends with someone with the intention of giving to them without receiving, or receiving from them without giving, creates an uneven dynamic from the very beginning. It’s a one-sided friendship that becomes an energy drainer. True friends are equals and one doesn’t drain the other one for their worth. The Universe doesn’t support this kind of relationship. The reality is that you’re not responsible for carrying their load, especially when you have enough to take care of with your own needs. Balance has to happen between two people or the relationship will fall apart.

The third question is if the friendship feels dishonest, does your intuition tell you that this person isn’t a true friends?  Asking yourself this question means that you have to look at how nice is this person to you. Appearances can be deceiving. I’ve learned the most charming people tend to be the most insincere people. Even if you have experienced a friend who isn’t true, maybe you’re even still experiencing it, you’re not alone. Acquaintances come and go, but true friends are in it for life. You can always start over and move on, lesson learned, that is what’s meant to be. And when it’s all said and done, the best friend that you’ll ever have is in yourself. When we do this, we start to attract good people into your life.

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Not a Part of the In-Crowd

Who knew that even as an adult, we would still have to deal with being a part of the in-crowd. I never liked the specific groups that were formed as a young person in high school. I didn’t understand why we all couldn’t be accepted for who we were as individuals.  The popular, jocks, the fine arts, the brains, the burnouts, the goths, and the loners were just some of the groups that we felt like we had to try and fit into growing up. As I became an adult, I hoped that these types of groups would have faded away into the woodwork. That I didn’t have to deal with trying to get another person’s acceptance, but I was wrong. Even as adults, there are still those people out there who still have to feel popular among their peers and the world around them. What makes it challenging, is when you have friends who still have an “in-crowd” mentality. How can you stay friends and still feel like you’re not being left out?

It’s becoming more so a recurring theme, that one friend who puts other friends over me. It happens every year, birthdays, concerts, dinner, anything at all, I’m usually being left out of her life. I’ve felt singled out many times for not being invited. Whenever I asked it’s the excuse that she had no control over who was being invited. The truth is, I wasn’t important enough to her to ask why I wasn’t invited, and that’s okay. No one wants to feel like a third wheel. You have to be a grown-up, but being left out is not an inherently grown-up phenomenon. It is a grade school agony that recurs throughout life. Being left out is an emotional drama that unfolds in three acts: first is discovery, the second is distress, and the third is detachment. These three acts are a rhythm of psychology that continues from within. Either it’s being left out of a birthday party or being left out of a concert, being left out in the dark of friendship, or most of us have both victims and perpetrators.

In my most recent experience being the victim, I moved beyond my ineffective initial outcry to the common fallback, staying quiet. I withdrew and waited to see if my friend would care enough to ask how I was doing. I saw the pictures and remember her excuses from past years, but nothing, and I realized that even if she believed that she was innocent, she was unlikely to defend me. It is easy to imply that it wasn’t her business, most of all, not her problem. It is, after all, only a birthday party. Perfectly true, which is why I stopped pressing these types of matters. Yet it is the absence of loyalty that is so unattractive. Exclusion hurts so much that it forces you to face having firm boundaries with people with even someone who acts with such a warm friendship. It’s that realization of being left out that leaves pain marks on your heart, but they don’t have to be permanent.

It’s best to not leave a pained heart permanent because inclusion and exclusion, sharing attention with others, and respecting boundaries are found in the strongest of friendships. You can build other friendships and social circles that are true serendipity, what is meant to be. We have those resources as adults that someone in high school may not have. When the cool crowd wouldn’t make room for you at the lunch table, you are left to sit alone. When the cool crowd leaves you out of a birthday party years later, you can find a welcome in other cool crowds. It may take some time, but they are out there.

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