Cristina Guarneri's Blog, page 2

Single at Heart

I was never one to focus on marriage or even being in a relationship growing up. I guess I was so used to being on my own that the thought of sharing my time didn’t interest me that much growing up. It wasn’t that I didn’t have good role models. My family was filled with happily married couples, but the idea of being a couple didn’t strike me as fun. Instead, it looked like hard work and a lot of compromise, and as the years went on, and I got older, the opportunity to be in a relationship became less appealing to me. I spent my younger years being a part of wedding after wedding. First, as a bridesmaid, then as a maid of honor to some of the most important people in my life. In my twenties, I had already caught so many bouquets that I thought for sure that was the real reason for staying single for so long, but in reality, that wasn’t entirely true. The truth was I was just interested in being married, and I soon came to the conclusion that would be okay by myself. Fast track many years later, and it seems that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

In today’s day and age of dating and relationships, men are more likely to feel more lonely than women. Single women who had been previously married have no interest in trying again. The assumption that everyone is looking for a relationship is just that, an assumption. Not everyone is looking to be in a relationship. A study by the Pew Research Center found that people who were single, not married and not cohabiting, and not in committed relationships, half of them were not interested in being in a relationship or even to date. Some years later, that same study was conducted again and found that the number rose even higher than people who were just not interested. Whether they were men or women and whether they had already been married or always single, more than 70% of women weren’t interested in a relationship. Among men who had previously been married before, 50% had no interest in dating.

The idea of getting married just isn’t the same anymore. We have different priorities in life; the older we wait to be in a relationship, the less likely people will be interested in being in a relationship. The attraction to the single life has so much to offer because single people can appreciate what it has to offer them. They are not so much avoiding romance as embracing the freedom, the social connections, and the psychological richness of a single life. Being single allows us to appreciate the solitude rather than being afraid of it. We are doubtful to feel lonely. What is meant to be is having the experience of nurturing ties with family and friends. As a single person, maybe it’s just that we have learned through experience that the promise of a marriage or a relationship isn’t a cure for loneliness or a guarantee in life that we will always have someone with us. Regardless of the reason, the single life is becoming the preferred choice, and because of it, we will find that being single at heart beats much differently and encourages a free living than for those who choose to be in relationships. No matter what your reason is, being single can be just as meaningful, joyful, and rich as those who choose to be married or in relationships. The choice is yours for the taking. The age-old thinking that everyone should be married is long gone because there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. If you are like me, then you know that being single at heart is more about learning to be comfortable with your solitude, and this is what helps us to be better in our relationships, and because of it, we are more likely to be healthier than people who are in relationships when we stay single at heart.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It was Andy Williams that gave us the idea of the winter holidays. “Parties for hosting” and “marshmallows for toasting” and “caroling out in the snow” it’s the most wonderful time of the year, the 1960s song that brought the thinking of how much cheer we should have during the holiday season, but the truth is that for many of us, the holidays can be the most challenging and stressful time of year. There are many who go through the difficulty of just getting through the holidays. The loss of loved ones, the challenges of being alone, and even the anticipated dread of being with family members.

There’s a reason for holidays being so stressful, and it’s far from a bedtime story. Holiday stress is overwhelming. It’s that all-encompassing feeling where we think that we can’t cope. Social isolation is another reason because of the lack of personal relationships and little to no social support or interaction. The holidays can feel for many as lonely and feeling disconnected from others. Other reasons such as grief can cause regret for what we have lost and the remorse that was done, and because grief effects the ones that were most near and dear to us, it is also all-encompassing, but also the idea of spending time with people that you may not see all year round adds an added layer of stress to the mix of finding cheer in the holidays. It amazes me that the people who we may argue with the most or hardly see, are actually the people that we end up spending holidays with from November through December. No matter what your reason may be for being less cheerful this holiday, know that there are things that we can do to help ourselves feel better.

One of the ways that has helped over the years is listening to the heart. Don’t give in to the holiday pressures. It’s okay to know that you’re not ready, but I also like to challenge myself and allow some of those painful feelings and emotions come out. I ride the waves because by letting those emotions out, I’m able to monitor them and their frequency and for how long that I have them. It helps me to know who is best for me and who’s not. We’re not for everyone, and by allowing these feelings to become aware of and to monitor your relationships so that when you can look for the support that you may need from others. It can even help you with starting a new tradition.

It’s important when getting through the stress of the season to use communication even before the holidays arrive. Try using video chat to help keep you engaged and connected well before the holidays. This can help with any awkwardness that can happen, especially if, like me, you don’t see family often. Remember to stay healthy, and if you haven’t yet, get to know your neighbors. You never know who might be next door. 

The holidays are often seen as a time of cheer and celebration, but when someone isn’t feeling in the holiday spirit, it only adds to the stress that can weigh us all done. Whether feeling the holiday blues or just not getting along with family, it’s important to be mindful of how we are holding our feelings and what we do in response to the holiday season. As the song tells us that what’s meant to be is the thoughts of mistletoeing, hearts will be glowing when loved ones are near it’s the most wonderful times of year. Cheers.

When You Brag

This past weekend taught me a valuable lesson on bragging. For many, if bragging was an Olympic sport, I know a few who certainly would win a gold medal in it. I know that I’m not alone when it comes to dealing with braggers. Almost no one likes a show-off, but most people like to show off, even a little bit.

Whenever you show off, you run the risk of looking too satisfied and downright conceited. I’ve learned that the best way to brag about yourself or your family is by not bragging at all. Let other people brag for you. Since our feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence rest on being able to take pride in our achievements, it’s not okay, but healthy to brag about yourself if it’s bragging about yourself to yourself. Giving yourself a mental pat on the back for doing a good job can help boost your feelings of self-efficacy, prepare you for future successes, and even avoid the experience of depression, but when you are downright drawing attention to yourself or your children on great personal qualities or something that you’ve done, it’s the least desirable way to brag.

Bragging shows that a person has a powerful negative trait information about the sender. It is not easy to be on the listening end of all the bragging that goes on around us, especially from parents. We live in a culture where most parents strive to raise “star” children; we want them to shine. There is nothing more blatant than boasting.  It doesn’t offer any substance or insight. Its subtext is, “Admire me. I am amazing. My kid is smarter than you or anyone else’s.” It diminished my opinion of this individual considerably. Unfortunately, when I started listening to others, I found they were abundant in their boasting. Posts on my social media feeds were filled with people bragging frequently. Boast posts typically begin with phrases like “I am so humbled to…,” “I am so proud to…,” or “my kid got into…” and then go on to describe an accomplishment boastfully.

What exactly is bragging? Sharing positive events and achievements from our lives, per se, is good to do and supports our happiness. When we inform close family and friends, or even acquaintances, about a job promotion, an engagement, or the arrival of a new child, we provide useful positive knowledge about ourselves that increases everyone’s happiness. It is when the sharing is done not to share happiness, but mainly to arouse attention, jealousy, envy, or other negative emotions and doesn’t have any useful, informative purpose for the audience that it becomes dysfunctional. When bragging, the information you share and the people you share it with both matters.

Individuals who tended to brag when they shared their positive events were less agreeable, less conscientious, and showed less empathy, whereas those who tended to brag and mass-share reported the highest levels of narcissism. They are less likely to listen to someone else’s point of view or experiences. What is worse, braggers believe that they are gaining approval or someone’s favor, who are typically lower in status and have ulterior motives in forming or maintaining a relationship with the bragger. In other words, if you want to gather an entourage around you, bragging is an efficient way to achieve this level of attention. Perhaps bragging is needed so that others can feel better about themselves, but what I’ve learned is that it is meant to be and will be.

It doesn’t matter how much you brag. still doesn’t make you a better person. By far, it won’t win you a gold medal in self-promoting. Rather, all that it does show is that without attention, your self-worth is reliant on seeking favor from other people, but it’s also a warning sign of bigger self-efficacy problems. Bragging causes people to behave badly. By advertising their good deeds and accomplishments. It signals a selfish motive for behaving and can negatively impact your relationships.

It’s Hard to Feel Ignored

More and more, I find that people have lost compassion for one another. Your thoughts are disregarded and you feel that what matters to you is ignored, and it’s not even so much from strangers, but rather from those that you know well. I know that it’s happening to me more than it should be and it’s an intentional act that doesn’t need to be tolerated. Being ignored hurts. It triggers the same part of the brain that registers physical pain. Truth is, from your perspective, you perceive that you’re being ignored and excluded, and it has its effects on you, whether or not it was intended to be that way or not. That sensation of being invisible feels bad because it takes away some human and psychological needs within you.

Whether it be a friend, a parent, or anyone that you have conversations with, intentionally disregarding another person can have different effects on people. When someone ignores us, naturally we feel hurt, confused, and even frustrated. It feels like an intentional dismissal of our presence and feelings, and it takes just a few minutes to feel the pain of being ignored. There are times when people may choose to ignore to assert a power dynamic, to avoid confrontation, or the only way they know how to deal with personal issues, and while confronting them may seem like the best course of action, it’s not always the case.

Going through times of being ignored requires patience and being open-minded. It isn’t easy to feel ignored because it can cause emotional distress for both people who are involved. You feel sadness, rejection, and worthlessness for the person being ignored. For the person who’s ignoring, they may feel guilt or shame for their actions. Either way, communication breaks down and a barrier is created between them. That breakdown in communication stops any chance of resolving conflicts and addressing important issues, but it also strains the relationship. When we ignore someone, anyone at all, it causes a strain on the relationship to a breaking point. This is because the communication breakdown causes resentment and hostility between them. Easily it can cause feelings of isolation, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. This is where a negative cycle of thoughts starts, and those unresolved emotions and concerns soon worsen.

The more that we ignore others, the harder it becomes to mend that relationship. Instead, it increases conflict and even questions about your worth and your sense of self. Being ignored is one of the worst feelings to have to go through, and it can cause a lot of self-doubt about ourselves. Ignoring a person can cause serious damage. Trust is brittle and once it starts to get lost, the damage can be hard to reverse. Something to think about before you decide to ignore someone. Without trust, there’s no relationship. There’s no need to ignore one another, rather having open communication and acknowledging the other person’s feelings can go a long way. You don’t have to agree with the other person’s thoughts, but it is important to consider what those feelings mean to the other person. I always feel that if a person has enough courage to bring it up, then it’s important enough to pay attention and find some sort of middle ground where everyone feels valued.

When you feel ignored, take time, no matter how frustrating it may feel, to reflect on it. Before jumping to conclusions, take a moment to reflect on the situation. Consider possible reasons for why you might be feeling ignored. Understanding the underlying factors can help you. Also, seek support from others. It’s important to not keep your emotions inside, especially during a time when there’s confusion and frustration. Reach out to people that you can trust, who you know will support and provide you with guidance. These are the ones who have your best interest at heart. Sometimes just discussing your feelings with others can offer a fresh perspective and can give you insight into the reason why you may be ignored.

As hard as it is to feel ignored, remember that you matter most, and keeping a focus on self-care, can help us from spiraling into negative thinking and negative self-talk. Instead of dwelling on the reason for being ignored, focus on taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Remember that dealing with being ignored is not easy for anyone, but by approaching it with you in mind will help get you through it. More importantly, what I find is going through challenging times with grace and strength is what is meant to be, so that we can come out of it ahead. Every situation where we’re being ignored happens for different reasons. It’s important to understand why it’s happening, but it’s also okay to be patient with yourself. When we hurt, it takes time to heal. With time and a conscious effort, that pain and hurt do get better, and you soon can feel like yourself again. Stay strong, and remember, that your worth isn’t defined by any one person’s opinion or actions about you.

Feeling Alone or Lonely

It feels lonelier in this world. I often find myself people-watching, and I find that unless you’re in a grocery store, most people don’t want to be bothered talking. Maybe it’s because technology has made it so that our interactions with each other can be easily done through computers, cell phones, and even robots. Think about it, you can go into a store and check out by a computer without ever having to talk to a human. Such ways of living are causing more chances of feeling lonely.

Loneliness is a social isolation from what is around us. It impacts our health and increases the chances of disease. As people, we all look for social connections. It’s a fundamental human need that brings us a wish, a hope that we will feel a sense of belonging, empathy, and trust. Although being lonely isn’t all bad, and we can confuse being lonely with being alone, but there is a great difference between the two.

There will be times in our lives when we may feel alone at certain life stages. This is a crucial part of life and it can hold significant value. Unlike loneliness, which feels like you’re being deprived of interaction, being alone is empowering. Whether you’re alone or with others, aloneness is used to mindfully grow in your mindset. It represents freedom from being attached to objects or overwhelming circumstances. Being alone is an emotional attitude that stands apart from feeling lonely. Instead, being alone embraces a sense of wholeness. It allows for moments of solitude that foster inner peace and allow for introspections to move you forward, this includes decision-making. Being alone with your own thoughts can help you to enable mindful experiences. Those experiences can be anything from quiet self-reflection to engaging with others, or simply being present.

Being alone helps to give a balance to your emotional life and it involves being able to go between moments of loneliness and moments of being alone. It can integrate self-compassion with being able to find compassion for others. For some, embracing being alone helps to bring in solitude as a deliberate part of life. Understanding this way of living can empower you to cope with loss and to separate emotions so that your emotional well-being can be worked through, especially when going through regret and sadness.

Being alone is very different from feeling lonely, and many confuse the two to be the same. Being alone allows us to feel a social connection with others, even when we are taking time to reflect. It’s completely different than feeling lonely, where we feel total isolation. Now more than ever, feeling a social bond with others influences how we connect with others. If we are going to maintain being alone, we also need to know how to not feel lonely. That’s where investing in relationships and supporting others by expressing gratitude is so important. It allows for us to feel a sense of belonging and purpose ultimately develops within us. It also helps to limit the amount of social media use and seek support when feeling lonely. Being engaged and creating authentic relationships is essential in today’s world. It’s what is meant to be to not feel lonely. The aim is to create a flourishing world by strengthening social interactions with others by building resilience, even during those times when we feel less social. There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. When you’re alone, it’s time for that quiet and rejuvenation. When feeling lonely, seek out the connections of others. It’s a difference between taking time to invest in ourselves and taking time to invest in the people around us.

I’m Sorry

Saying I’m sorry can be pretty powerful words to say, especially since apologies are a sign of empathy. At the same time, over-apologizing, or excessively saying sorry when you don’t need to could also hurt your self-esteem. It’s easy to make assumptions about people who seem to never say that they’re sorry when they’re wrong. We start to think that they are arrogant, or maybe over-confident, and don’t believe they are in the wrong. However, some say sorry all the time. Let’s face it, when you’ve done something wrong, it’s natural to apologize. While saying sorry is hard to say for some people, others get into the routine of saying sorry too much.

Saying sorry may seem like the polite way to handle scenarios. For example, someone blocks your driveway and says, “I’m sorry, could you possibly move your car so that I can get out?” or the supermarket may be empty and all of the store employees are chatting and you approach them by saying, “I’m sorry to bother you.” The question here is are you really to blame? More than likely you’re not, but for those of us who say sorry too much, saying these powerful words can reveal something about ourselves.

For some, saying sorry too much is a quick and easy way to avoid confrontation such as an argument or a situation that makes us feel uncomfortable. People who are afraid of confrontation will say that they are sorry to avoid confrontation. They immediately accept responsibility for something that they didn’t do rather than directly address the issue. Often, children who grew up in hostile environments or environments where wearing and anger were the norm, as adults, will resort to apologizing too often. As a child, if there was the feeling that you weren’t good enough, or were punished when making a mistake, you may now lack the confidence as an adult to speak up. You think that you can’t possibly be right about the discussion or the argument, so instead you apologize. It becomes submissive behavior because you automatically assume that you are in the wrong and the other person is right.

Another reason for over-apologizing is that you don’t want to cause offense. Having empathy toward others is a good character trait. However, hiding your feelings isn’t healthy. We all want people to like us, but having opinions and beliefs is what attracts us to other like-minded people. We can’t like everyone, and we can’t expect everyone to like us back, and that’s okay. Getting your sense of value from within, not from keeping people around you happy all the time will help.

Some people tend to not be bothered about being right. All they want is an easy life, but not because they are afraid of confrontation. They will stand up for themselves if they feel the situation is serious enough, but for little matters that have no consequences to them, they are happy to just say they’re sorry and move on.  Their self-esteem is enough to shoulder whatever issues the next person has because they know enough to understand what matters and what doesn’t matter to them.

There is a psychology to apologizing. We might assume that saying sorry too much is purely a character trait, however, it’s a learned behavior, and knowing what sets apologizing in motion is important and what situations cause the behavior is needed to know how to control it. Often a good rule is to stop before you apologize and ask yourself, ‘Am I in the wrong here?’ If you didn’t do anything to say sorry, then refraining from saying it will help when over-apologizing. There are alternatives to saying an apology.

Sometimes saying the word sorry is easy to say.  There are alternatives such as excuse me, thank you for waiting, after you, go ahead, thank you for clarifying are all possible solutions to saying I’m sorry. Being grateful, instead of sorry can also help. Apologizing because someone helped you or did you a favor can be expressed by thanking them. Showing gratitude boosts the other person’s self-esteem when you thank them and it does make a difference.

It’s easy to get into the saying sorry too much, but by recognizing what causes the apologizing and trying to choose different words will help. What is meant to be is instead to begin by choosing different words such as thank you will build your self-esteem. Only when you stop apologizing when it’s not your fault will you find that the power of the words I’m sorry could end up losing the important meaning and expression that it has on those around you?

Solid Friendships

I sat down this week to watch my favorite all-time television series of four women whose friendships have taken them through the trials of this thing we call life. From dating, marriage, children, love, and loss; these four women stood by each other through it all. I wondered why I’ve always loved this series, and I came to realize it’s the friendship that they have in each other. It’s something that I keep missing in my own life.

As a younger version of myself, making friends and having those close relationships weren’t hard to come by, but as a much older version of myself, it seems impossible to achieve it. I have that there are fewer ways to be a friend than it is to live in seclusion. I spend more time alone than I do around others, more time alone driving to do errands. When did being alone become the new friendship?

 With so much time alone, I’ve turned to television to make up for what has been missing in life. I don’t think that I’m the only one who is able to identify what they want through the characters that are portrayed in television and movies. As unrealistic as that may sound, the truth is, friendships are a vital part of who we are as human beings.

The most beautiful part about pouring our time and energy into friendships is that not only do friends help enrich our lives, but we enrich theirs too! Friendships get us through the tough times in life, make things more fun and enjoyable, and all-around make our lives better. 

Having solid friendships is important for two main reasons. First, they make life more enjoyable. We get to share the beautiful aspects of life with people who enrich our everyday experiences. Second, our friends help us through the difficult times. Having friends to support us through hard times can make unimaginably difficult situations seem more tolerable, much like the four women that I have come to depend on every week.

Friendships have a major impact on health and well-being, but it’s not always easy to develop friendships. I find that many adults like myself find it hard to develop new friendships or keep up existing friendships. Friendships then take a back seat and often having to develop and maintain good friendships takes effort, but the enjoyment and comfort friendship can provide, however, makes the investment worthwhile. That’s what’s meant to be, and it’s quality that counts more than quantity. Even though it’s good to cultivate a diverse network of friends and acquaintances, there is a greater sense of belonging and well-being by nurturing close, meaningful relationships that will be supportive through thick and thin, just like the four women that I find at times jealous over not having myself. I hope that the investment in developing friendships never becomes too late.

Your Authentic Self

Ever look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Wow, have I changed?” I don’t mean physically but as a person.  I came from a town that I thought was a great place to live. Stores were at a premium, the best florist in the area, and plenty of things to do. As a teenager, I felt like it was a metropolis for shopping. At sixteen, my parents moved us fifteen minutes away to a suburban area. At first, I had a hard time adjusting, but as I became an adult, I found that I didn’t want to move away from it. I rarely return to where I grew up. I guess that I felt there wasn’t any need to go back, but tonight was different. I returned to my old hometown. It wasn’t the place that I knew it to be. Overpopulated by condos, lacks parking, and the street sounds of congestion. I couldn’t wait to return to the suburbs. At that moment I realized, wow, have I changed? I wonder how many of you have felt the same way.

When did I become so different? It’s clear that by the time we have lived a few decades, a lot will have happened to us. We change and meet the challenges that are expected as we get older. It’s those difficult times that test us and push us to our limits, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. Whether we like it or not, it happens, and we learn to navigate those challenging times. Yet after all of these things, these events happen to us, the basic question remains as to who are we anymore. Let’s face it, from the time that we are born, we are conditioned to be a certain way. We influence family, siblings, and friends. We then become different things to different people and how we relate to others and our environment. Those identities encourage us to get a sense of who we are, and we have the chance to just be me and for ourselves. It’s our authentic self and as we mature and grow, our experiences change us.

Many people become uncomfortable out of our normal. That was me, being in an environment that wasn’t the same as I remembered it. I had a feeling of anxiety, and I realized at that moment that my life experiences had changed me. I knew myself to be different. If you never felt this way before, it feels as the saying goes, that I know myself better than anyone else does. I knew that I wasn’t in the right place, the right environment for me. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do what feels right to you, to do what feeds and nourishes you. I understood at that moment, in those loud busy streets that this place didn’t value or respect me. I know that towns can’t respect you, but the people around those streets can, and that’s when you begin to lift and celebrate yourself for being changed to your authentic self, but there are things to think about when finding your true self.

– Take a personal inventory

When you feel the most authentic starts by asking yourself some direct questions that can help you discover who you are when you are not putting on a mask or betraying your core values. When you get clear on those values, you will find it easier to make decisions in line with your authentic self.

– Be present

The ability to be present with yourself, no matter what is going on around you, is essential to authenticity. If you are always distracted by your mental chatter or reacting to external situations, you’re not aware of your own state of being build your own social support system by taking inventory of your social circle from time to time and surround yourself with supportive people who lift you up. They can encourage you to shine as your true self.

– Speak your truth—assertively

Improving how you communicate can have a big impact on living your authentic life. What we want to say often gets lost in how we say it.  Some people tend to be passive communicators and hold back from sharing opinions. Others aggressively dominate conversations and fail to listen. With passive-aggressive communicators, sarcasm and dishonesty block the way to an authentic exchange.

– Take daily action toward authenticity

Authenticity can feel like a big, abstract concept. But when you really look at it, it comes down to your day-to-day actions. Because it’s those seemingly small moments, the things you say, your decisions, your actions, that add up to who you are. Actualizing an authentic life starts with intentional daily planning.

– Take a step back to gain perspective

When you find yourself in a rut, it makes sense to apply all your brainpower to come up with a solution. But sometimes that approach can get you nowhere, and just lead to a cycle of overthinking. 

– Recognize internal versus external influences

When you want to know how to be your authentic self, it helps to differentiate your internal motivations and external influences.

– How to be your authentic self in any relationship

Authentic connection requires balancing your own needs with caring for your partner. Practice healthy assertive communication, expressing your opinions and feelings, even when it feels vulnerable. At the same time, actively listen to what your partner needs, taking a pause to respond rather than react emotionally.

– How to be your authentic self at work

Professionalism doesn’t have to compromise authenticity. When you “play the game” to get ahead, you can alienate yourself and create an atmosphere of competitiveness, rather than collaboration. A healthy work environment encourages open dialogue and the exchange of ideas while respecting diversity. 

– How to be your authentic self in a speech

It can feel challenging to open up to a large audience, whether at a party, delivering a work presentation, or presenting a TedTalk. If you don’t want to seem stiff or rehearsed, make sure to prepare and know your topic inside and out. Using stories or anecdotes from your own life will help you open up to your audience. Plus, it’s easier to remember, and you won’t sound like someone reading a PowerPoint.

It can take courage to learn how to be real. But when you do, you set yourself free and begin to build a life that brings you joy and meaning. It might not happen overnight, but you can get there. As far as me, by the time the day was over, and it was time to return home, I felt a relief to know that I had changed and perhaps my personality had also matured. The same sights and sounds that I thought were great, really weren’t that great anymore. I had a new purpose in my life. A purpose, a reason for being who I am today. The town that I had grown up in, didn’t serve me anymore. Although I’m much older, maybe I was forced to change my behavior, but over time it helped me to cope with life’s challenges. This is what was meant to be for me. All that I know is that same kid who shopped in that metropolis of retailers wasn’t going to be the same for me. Many of those stores had closed and were replaced by a multitude of take-out places, dollar stores, and nail salons on every corner. In the distance, high-rise condos overshadowed the clouds, and life as I remembered it quickly disappeared, almost like it never existed, and that’s okay too. You see not only did I change, but the world around me did too. Maybe if I visited more often I would get used to my old hometown, but the reality is that I don’t want to. My authentic self tells me that it isn’t home anymore. It’s better to leave my childhood memories as I remember them and live life as I see it now. Wow have I changed, and I’m a much better person for it.

Think about a time or place that you have visited, a childhood home, friends from back in the day, or a town that you once called home. Remember what life was like then to what your life is like now. Recall how much you have changed and what helped you to become your authentic self and if you would ever go back. It’s a good thing that we can’t go back in time. I’ve changed so much that going back in time would stop me from being my authentic self. The real person that I was intended to be all along.

When you’re authentic, you end up following your heart, and you put yourself in places and situations and in conversations that you love and that you enjoy. You meet people that you like talking to. You go places you’ve dreamt about. And you end up following your heart and feeling very fulfilled. ~ Neil Pasricha, Author of You Are Awesome.

Can I Trust You?

One of the hardest things to deal with is trust.  I find this to be true with friendships. It’s not easy to know who you can let into your life. As I get older, my circle of friendships has become less and less. I find there isn’t loyalty anymore, and that takes away my ability to trust a person. The definition of loyal is an allegiance to a government, institution, religion, cause, product, or person. Being loyal is about giving constant support to another person. At the same time, there needs to be a motivation to have loyalty.

Loyalty can’t be bought. It’s not possible to buy the devotion of hearts, minds, and souls. These are things that must be earned by people. You stay with someone through it all, no matter the cost or even the disadvantage it may cause. It depends on honesty. If you can’t trust me, then loyalty can never exist. It means I support you in your interests and endeavors, even if I don’t share them. If you are passionate about something. It also means having empathy without judgment.  A firm rule that I have learned to live by is if a friend is talking about another friend to you, chances are pretty strong that the friend is talking about you behind your back too.

According to life coaches, loyalty is beneficial and comes with rewards in life.  The top reason for being loyal and for having loyalty in your life is that it will allow you to develop a stronger emotional connection with the people around you. It helps other people feel assured about you when they know you can commit to things. Some things to consider when deciding who deserves your loyalty and trust.

1. Loyalty helps build trust

Loyalty means having the ability to commit and stick with something even through difficult times. It could be in the form of staying in a relationship or a business partnership despite all the challenges. When you are faithful, it only shows your dedication to the other party, and they will see you more in bright light because they will know that they have value in your eyes. In addition, you help others develop trust in you if you can show commitment.

2. Loyalty helps form better relationships

You can’t deny the importance of loyalty when developing real relationships. People will want somebody they can depend on and feel secure when dealing with things. Romantic relationships become more robust when loyalty and trust exist between both parties. The same thing also happens in business between a company and its customers. When a company remains loyal to its customers by providing what they like, it has better customer retention and more satisfied customers. As an employee, sticking to your company for a long time can help establish reliability, and you might even get a promotion in the long run. Your co-workers can also treat you with more respect.

3. Loyalty creates security

Loyalty matters when it comes to creating a sense of security in relationships. It’s challenging to feel secure when dealing with somebody who’s got a chronic behavior of switching sides depending on what’s beneficial to him. Suppose you are a team leader or a manager in an office setting. In that case, it’s easier to entrust work to somebody who sticks to his work responsibilities rather than somebody who drops things in the middle once things start to get rough. Between friends and family, there’s a better atmosphere created when you are loyal and trust each other.

4. Loyalty makes you commit better

Staying loyal to a cause makes it easy to work harder and exert efforts toward fulfilling goals. When we create goals, we envision the desired result in our minds, and there is some form of reward at the end. By remaining loyal to why we do things, you can commit better to working hard to fulfill them. In relationships, if you know that you are deriving happiness from your partner, you will feel more inclined to practice honesty and be loyal to them. The same thing can also happen in a friendship.

5. Loyalty returns good karma

When you show loyalty to others, expect some good karma to return your way. People can like you better. The result is that you gain more friends in your life. You also build meaningful connections with everybody, so expect people to be loyal to you. In addition, you gain respect from others because you treat them well personally.

6. Loyalty establishes good character

Loyalty also sets us who we are by showing our true feelings to others, no matter who they are. You will not appear genuine if the quality of your personality changes from one person to another. By being loyal to ourselves, we can form deeper bonds with others by interacting with them based on how we honestly think and feel. Other people will treat you with respect if they see you as a man of integrity and sincerity.

The only people I owe my trust or loyalty to are those who never made me question theirs to me. Loyalty still exists today, but it’s not necessary today. Understanding how trust and loyalty work will help you decide rationally who deserves your devotion. Nothing is better than having a friend you can always depend on, it’s what’s meant to be in this life. Finding people who are loyal deserve my entire admiration and respect. Just as they are loyal, they are reliable and morally sound, people that I can trust, and nothing compares to them. Whether you have a person in your life a day or a lifetime, ask yourself this question of each person, “Can I trust you?” It’s an important question that can save you a lifetime of hurt and regret.  I don’t chase after anyone. So-called friends who want to go can go. do not have the energy to chase what is not for me. Life is too short for me to run miles for people who don’t take steps for me.

The Silent Treatment

One of the hardest parts of life is the moment that we realize that we are being ignored. For whatever reason, it feels like being ignored seems more scary and intense than having someone argue with you. Perhaps it’s the knowing that even when conflicts arise if that one person is vocal with their anger, they are still talking to you. Either way, being ignored does something to you that puts them less at ease. Maybe you’re being ignored as a way of punishment, the silent treatment. Or they may be ghosting you because they don’t want to answer you. No matter what form of being ignored, it still doesn’t make it any easier.

As long as there are people, we will always come up against conflict. It can be a “hot form” such as an argument. Or a “cold form” such as the cold shoulder. No matter which forms you are experiencing, being ignored hurts more than being in an argument. It’s that fear of being socially isolated, but it also triggers our social receptors. It’s the feeling of being excluded that causes our surroundings to feel quieter. What many may not realize is that when it’s quieter it triggers issues with our self-esteem. Being ignored forces you to have to self-reflect in order to find out what went wrong in the relationship. It also means having to go through the negative words that have been said and having to re-experience such negativity inevitably causes a hit to self-esteem.

Lack of control is another reason for why being ignored can be more difficult. During an argument, there is communication between two people. When that communication is cut off, there is less control. When ignored there is a lack of control that can exist, making it feel impossible to salvage or repair the situation. Other reasons are the feeling that you aren’t worthy of attention. Feeling ignored can bring about the belief that they aren’t significant enough to warrant any attention. It leads to not putting in the effort to try and reconcile, and for that belief alone, many times we forgo having a friendship, rather than resolving the issue.

Consider the possible reasons for the argument and why you’re being given the cold shoulder. Think of the goal when considering what will be our strategy. What is it that you are trying to achieve? If you have received a nasty comment, consider whether you should ignore or answer it. If you want to clear up a misunderstanding, then arguing may be the option. If the comment is that you may not rank high enough on social media, the best option may be to consider silent retribution.

Being ignored is never easy, but there are ways to figure out what is meant to be by examining what it is that we want out of the disagreement.  It also means finding inner peace to realize that you are worth it. Even if you may not have the control you seek by being ignored, you still matter, and you still have the choice to either try again or walk away from the situation.