Andy Zach's Blog: The Unlikely life of Andy Zach - Posts Tagged "zombie-turkeys"

Hey, Zombie Turkeys fans! Here's a treat: a Zombie Interview.  The hero of the 'Zombie Turkeys', Sam Melvin, Zombie Turkeys: How an Unknown Blogger Fought Unkillable Turkeys interviewing the heroine of 'My Undead Mother-in-law', Diane Newby. My Undead Mother-in-law: The Family Zombie With Anger Management Issues

“Hi. This is Sam Melvin lead investigative reporter for the Midley Beacon. Andy Zach, author of the zombie documentaries 'Zombie Turkeys' and 'My Undead Mother-in-law' asked me to interview Diane Newby, the zombie heroine whose adventures Andy details in 'My Undead Mother-in-law.' Diane, welcome to our blog.”

“Thanks so much Sam! Although we’ve known each other for years, I’m still excited as a school girl to be interviewed online!”

“Yes, we met years ago. Why don’t you tell everyone about how we met?”

“It was soon after I turned zombie, along with my husband George, my son Donnie, er, Donald, and his girlfriend Maggie.  I had my non-zombie son-in-law Ron Yardley and daughter Karen over for Valentine’s Day dinner. Donnie and I got into a little dustup and Ron blogged about it, which caught your interest in our family.”

“Um, yes. For our audience’s information, the ‘little dustup’ involved lots of blood and dismemberment and cracked plaster. That certainly got my attention. Not much was known about human zombies at that point, and I and the readers of the Midley Beacon we dying to know more.”

“That was the first time we met, Sam. You interviewed me and my family about our life as zombies.”

“Yup, why don’t you tell our blog readers what it’s like to be zombies?”

“Why, we’re just like normal human beings! We hold down jobs and go to church like any normal Americans. We just happen to have glowing red eyes. And we’re twice as strong as we used to be. And we move twice as fast. And we can regenerate lost limbs and heads.”

“Other than that, you’re perfectly normal?”

“Perfectly!”

“So, you don’t think you’ve changed at all since you’ve become a zombie, your personality, I mean?”

“Oh, I notice I’m a little more emotional, I guess.”

“Like how?”

“I seem to lose my temper more easily. But most of the time, I feel happier than I ever had before!”

“Why is that, Diane?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I feel so gosh-darned great all the time! I have no aches or pains and I’m almost 50. My husband George feels great too. We can eat all the food we want and we don’t gain weight. In fact, if we don’t eat about twice our former diet, we lose weight! Isn’t that close to paradise?”

“I guess, it’s a zombie paradise. You mention you’re more emotional and you have doubled your appetite. Have you noticed any other effects of zombiism?”

“Yes, we’re all more sensitive to light. Our glowing red eyes come from a layer of blood vessels that grow in our eyes enabling us to see in the dark, but increasing our sensitivity to light.”

“How do you handle that?”

“We wear sunglasses in the day and stay awake at night. Oh, we don’t need to sleep more than two to three hours a day.”

“How have your friends and neighbors reacted?”

“Badly, at first. Everyone was so standoffish! Just because we have glowing red eyes doesn’t mean we’re not human! Even my church members avoided me, at first. That’s why I started SPEwZ.”

“Please explain to our audience what SPEwZ is.”

“’’Society for People Equality with Zombies’ is SPEwZ. We, zombies, and regular humans work together for equal rights for zombies. We advocate for fair and equal treatment of zombie people with other humans.”

“How do you counteract the years of anti-zombie stereotypes?”

“Mostly by doing good deeds. We’re first on the spot for invention in zombie turkeys attack, we file lawsuits if zombies face discrimination, and we use our super strength and basic invulnerability to help our police and armed forces fight criminals and terrorists.”

“Sounds exciting! How can people find out more about you and your society?”

“Simply read Andy Zach’s book ‘My Undead Mother-in-law’. He explains our origins and our adventures very well. And a portion of the proceeds goes to help the cause of zombie equality.”

“Who can say no to that? That’s all the time I have Diane.”

That's all that Sam Melvin sent to me. Let me know if you want longer interviews with Diane or any other character.

Andy Zach
Andy Zach

Zombie TurkeysMy Undead Mother-in-lawParanormal Privateers Andy Zach Cruises the Internet and Gives Stuff Away
This is one of those posts where you will laugh and get free stuff. How? Andy Zach Cruises the Internet--that's how I find funny stuff.

But what about the free stuff? I'm in touch with a lot of authors and I find free stuff on the internet. Let's start with the funny things.
Andy Zach Cruises the Internet--the First Funny
How about Thor: Rangarok set to ABBA's 'Dancing Queen'?

Thor: Rangarok but instead of Immigrant Song it's Dancing Queen by Abba pic.twitter.com/VB69PNl2il

— jazmin 🌨 (@thorsbanners) August 8, 2018

If this isn't funny enough for you, post something funnier in this blog's comments or send it to me. I'll give a free ebook to the funniest link I get.
Andy Zach Cruises the Internet--the First Freebie
How about a free newsletter from me? How about a free book? I've got these:

Andy Zach's three novels in his Life After Life Chronicles, the comic paranormal animal zombie saga.

I hold one drawing every month for my newsletter subscribers. Join now!
Your Next Funny
Did you like Thor: Rogarnok set to ABBA? How about Captain America Winter Soldier?

a tumblr user set the fight scene in winter soldier to abba and there is truly no dignified way to tell you all i almost wet my pants laughing https://t.co/vC8QVO3Pl7

— emma lord (@dilemmalord) July 3, 2018

Your Next Freebie
Okay, maybe you don't like books. How about audiobooks?

Listen to a free sample of Zombie Turkeys by clicking here:

Zombie Turkeys audiobook cover. Click to get!

Or listen to My Undead Mother-in-law here:

 



My Undead Mother-in-law audiobook cover. Click to get yours!

If the vocal actors Phil Blechman and Raven Perez portraying my wacky characters appeal to you, then get on the newsletter mailing list. I have a monthly drawing for a free audiobook, including the end of this month.
The Last Funny Bit

The Last Freebie
One of my author friends, Rik Ty is giving away free stories. Grab yours while you can!

Click here to get them!



And now, here's some free nostalgia:

One More Thing
I love Weird Al Yankovic! Who else can out bizarre Lady Gaga?

Original post here: https://www.andyzach.net/andy-zach-cr...

Here's a blog post I wrote for Michael Dinich's blog, "3 Tax Tips For Authors, Business Owners And Side Hustlers From Zombie Turkeys".

Enjoy!
3 Tax Tips from Zombie Turkeys For Authors Business Owners
Zombie Lady Maximizing Tax Returns

More precisely, 3 Tax Tips from the author of Zombie Turkeys, the comic paranormal animal adventure. Turkeys, even zombie turkeys, are good at gobbling, not at taxes. So I, author Andy Zach, must step in for my paranormal animal friends.

I don't know about you, but I start my taxes in December, finish in January, and file in February. Yes, I know that's early, but since I usually plan to get a refund, I want to get my money as soon as possible. Since this is my third year as an author, but my fortieth year filing my own taxes (you do the math!) I thought I'd share what works for me as an author: 3 Tax Tips From Zombie Turkeys.

Public Domain 1040 image
Objections?
What??? You don't care? You're not an author? Well, do you pay taxes? If you do, you still might find this post useful. Otherwise, go read Zombie Turkeys!

Zombie Turkeys front cover. Click to get a copy!

You wonder why you should listen to the foremost paranormal animal author of comic urban fantasy, instead of say, your tax advisor? Good question! If you have a tax advisor, great! Listen to him or her. But, if you're running on a shoestring budget, like me, and you're cheap, like me, and want to do it yourself, then read on! Or maybe you're the artistic type and you hate taxes and numbers.

No worry! What I will cover doesn't involve numbers at all! It's just the best practices I have found over thirty years of tax filing, plus four years as a Management Science major, plus three years of training for my MBA. Finally, plus two years as a published author. Also, later on I give you a free spreadsheet to track your book numbers, the same one I use for Zombie Turkeys.
My Attitude Toward Taxes
Authors Business Owners - Play the tax game and win $ - Monopoly public domain

 

Perhaps you view taxes and filing for taxes as slightly worse than death. Here's a different approach: treat it as a game, like Monopoly! You go from step to step on your tax form, make sure you fulfill all the requirements, and try to keep as much of your money as possible. If you have money coming back at the end, you win!
Ass-umption
First of all, I'm assuming that you're using IRS Form 1040 throughout, since you're an author and you're running a business. These steps also apply if you're not an author or businessman. If you use the 1040 short form or the EZ form, the tips work, but you'll need less of this information. Just follow the IRS instructions for these shorter, simpler forms then review the steps below and pick up what you need.
Authors Business Owners Tip 1: Get all your income documentation
This includes:

All your W-2 forms. These forms document your income. Everyone you work for must give you one of these by January 31st of the following year.
All your interest statements (IRS Form 1099-INT) from all the banks or credit unions where you had any money at any time during the year.
All your business income receipts for the year. You're an author. You've sold books. Track every sale, the price, and the discount off retail.
All your dividend statements from all your stocks your received during the year. (IRS Form 1099-DIV) This may also include insurance companies and credit unions who sometimes give dividends to their depositors.
Any retirement payments from your IRA. (IRS Form 1099G) Yep, they're counted as income, unless you've already paid taxes on them (Roth IRA). Also include any Social Security income you receive. That may be taxable. If you don't know for sure, talk to a tax advisor.
Any unemployment payments you received during the year. This is illogical; why would one part of the government give you money and another take it away? But taxes have nothing to do with logic.
Your state income tax refund from the previous year. I know this sucks. But the Federal government taxes the tax refund as income.

Authors Business Owners Tip 2: Get All Your Expenses and Gifts
This includes:

All your charitable contributions:  cash, credit/debit card receipts
Any physical gifts receipts
Include all your business expenses. Get all your credit card statements, all your checking account withdrawals, all your Paypal statements. This is a good place to note that your business should have its own bank account, checking account, credit cards, and Paypal account. You might also want to go through your business emails looking for any reference to cash. Why devote so much effort? Every dollar of expense you find reduces your income and your taxes.
Don't forget all your tax receipts. This includes all state and local income taxes, all sales taxes or all property taxes. The Federal Government allow you to pick one or the other as a deduction. Pick the larger amount.
Finally, collect all your medical expenses. If you're a Corporation Sole, like I am, then your medical expenses count. Perhaps you're an LLC or a corporation. In this case you should have recorded your business medical expenses. If this is confusing, skip it and talk to a tax advisor.

Authors Business Owners Tip 3: Get a Good Tax Program
Now that you have all your documentation, use an online tax program like Turbo Tax or TaxAct and follow their instructions step-by-step until the end. I've used both Turbo Tax and Tax Act, so I know they're good. I'm sure there are other good tax programs online. Do a search and check recommendations.

I had you get all the documentation first, because you produce that all year. You need to start at the beginning of the year and collect it all year. We have a simple file folder called "2018 Taxes" and put in documentation all year. Do it.

For my author business, I have email folders for expenses and revenue. I also have paper folders for each. I record all my expenses and book revenues in my Excel spreadsheet. If you'd like a copy, send me a request. I'll send you a copy free.
You're All Done! Except for . . .
Double and triple checking your numbers. I ensure that I've captured every expense and every piece of income. If you miss an expense, your taxes go up. If you miss an item of income, you can go to prison or be penalized for your missing income taxes, plus ten percent.

I go through each paper receipt, income or expense, twice. The second time I ensure the number is correctly entered in the tax program and if it is, I check the paper.

Electronically, I go through my business income and expenses and ensure the net income or loss on my spreadsheet matches that of the tax program. If not, I review the income and expense entries until I find the error.

Finally, I also count all my book copies so that my physical inventory matches my reported inventory. If it doesn't, I review my sales and purchases until I find my error.

I just did this for Zombie Turkeys and I was tickled when the income/loss and book totals matched.

That's all for 3 Tax Tips from Zombie Turkeys! This is author Andy Zach, signing off.

Andy Zach, the foremost comic paranormal animal author in the comic urban fantasy genre.

Andy Zach Author photo
LEGAL DISCLAIMER FOR For Authors Business Owners
"Any tax-related opinions in any part of this document or website (including any links) are not tax advice. The above is a general explanation of tax law and should not be relied upon for your individual circumstances. Tax advice cannot be provided on a general basis, and must be specifically tailored for each individual by his or her particular representative. Any user of this website should seek the advice of a competent, independent tax professional regarding that user’s particular circumstances.

In addition, any tax advice given herein (and in any attachments) is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used, by any taxpayer for the purpose of (i) avoiding tax penalties or (ii) promoting, marketing, or recommending to another party any transaction or matter addressed therein."

What do I mean by "A Zombie Turkeys Thanksgiving to You"?

Click on the Zombie Turkeys book cover to read a free excerpt.

 

 

 

 

 

First, I want you to be as happy as a zombie turkey on Thanksgiving. How happy is that? They can't be killed by ax or gun to start with. Check this out.



Next, zombie turkeys get into places for free, like Navy Pier in Chicago. The back cover is a picture of the stairs up to the Shakespearean theatre at Navy Pier.

Zombie Turkeys Back Cover - click to get a copy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Shedd Aquarium, next to Navy Pier in Chicago. The zombie turkeys got in there too.

Zombie Turkeys Chapter 11 Icon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fourthly, zombie turkeys get into Soldier Field for the Thanksgiving Day football game for free. Listen to me read this dramatic scene in the video below.

Finally, zombie turkeys get to have a scene with the President. You'll have to read it in the book. But you can get an ebook for .99 (free, if you're on Kindle Unlimited).

Or you can get it for free on Audible, if you sign up for the free trial.

You can also win a free copy by signing up for my newsletter on this site or at my Mailchimp page.

You have a lot to be thankful for, just like Zombie Turkeys.
How Will You Spend A Zombie Turkeys Thanksgiving?
Reply and let me know. Put a comment below or email me. I'll give a free ebook for the best comment!

As for me, I'll spend the day eating turkey with my family, my nephew and his family and my mother-in-law. Say, did you know I wrote My Undead Mother-in-law while she was living with us?

My Undead Mother-in-law front cover. Click to get for free!

Further, did you know my mother-in-law is still living with us? And that I dedicated the book to her?

Here's the dedication:

To my mother-in-law, Barbara Beyer, who lived with us as I wrote this book. You're not a zombie, but you're almost as unusual.

 

 

 
Finally, What Will You Do After Thanksgiving?
Me, I'm going to Chambana Con!  This 'relaxacon', relaxed book convention just suits me. You can get my books, Zombie Turkeys, My Undead Mother-in-law, and Paranormal Privateers there for discount prices of $10, $10, and $14, or all three for $30! Compare that with Amazon.

Andy Zach and Brenda Sutton at Chambanacon
Guest of Honor
Eric Flint
Golden Guest of Honor
Gene Wolfe
Also Appearing at ChamBanaCon

Author and long-time Chambanacon attendee Glen Cook
The Never-Ending Filk Panel moderated by Bill Roper, Bill Sutton and our Leerless Feeder Brenda.
Martial Artist Randy Pardue
Glass Artisan Extraordinare Steve Scherer
Our own T-Shirt Maven, Logo Artist, and all-around Really Cool Dude Ray Vantilberg
Author Andy Zach

What is 'Christmas, Zombie Turkey Style'? How do Zombie Turkeys celebrate the 12 days of Christmas?

Christmas Zombie Turkeys Style

Regardless of what you've imagined or dreamt about celebrating Christmas with zombie turkeys, it's far, far more. Let's begin at the beginning.

Christmas, Zombie Turkey Style - It Starts NOW

That's right, today. To every newsletter subscriber I'll send out the chance to get a free book, every day, for twelve days, from December 25th to January 5th.  Here's the start of the Wikipedia article:

The Twelve Days of Christmas, also known as Twelvetide, is a festive Christian season celebrating the Nativity of Jesus. In most Western ecclesiastical traditions, "ChristmasDay" is considered the "First Day of Christmas" and the Twelve Days are 25 December – 5 January, inclusive.[1]

"But wait, Andy!" you say, "How does it start now?"

Thanks for asking! Because YOU have to prepare to receive the gifts from me. You see, I'm offering these books to new newsletter subscribers and people who get new subscribers.

Christmas, Zombie Turkey Style - How You and Your Friends Get Free Books

Zombie Turkeys in Shedd Aquarium. Click to get audiobook

 

First, if you're not yet a newsletter subscriber, subscribe here. You'll also get a free story!

Every new newsletter subscriber gets entered into this twelve day drawing for the twelve ebooks I'll give away. Your choice.

Life After Life Chronicles available as a series! Click to get!

But that's not all!

Christmas, Zombie Turkey Style -What's in it for existing subscribers?

The second way to get your name in my golden turkey list of gifts is to get your friends and family to subscribe to the newsletter. After they subscribe, send me their emails and you'll get an entry for each new subscriber. This is actually a better deal for my faithful fans, for there is no limit to the number of entries you can get.

But wait--there's more!

 

Christmas, Zombie Turkey Style -The Third Way to Win

Let's face it: the best gift you can give me is a book review. For any book of mine. You can write it on either Amazon or on Goodreads.

Then, afterward, just send me a note through my contact page here or email jms61614-andyzach@yahoo.com. Tell me where you wrote the review, your email, and which ebook of mine you want: Zombie Turkeys, My Undead Mother-in-law, or Paranormal Privateers.

My Undead Mother-in-law front cover. Click to get! Paranormal Privateers front small Click to get your copy!

All of this is in addition to my monthly drawings for two free books, one paperback or ebook, the other audiobook for subscribers.

Christmas, Zombie Turkey Style -Start Now!

Reviews, new subscribers, new subscriptions--on your mark, get set, go!