Ellen Gable's Blog, page 136

Novena to Marry the Right Girl

This is the second in my series of excerpts from Full Quiver's upcoming book, "Come My Beloved: Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship." Today's post is entitled "Novena to Marry the Right Girl," and tells the story of Leon and Mary Lou DuBois, who are originally from Philadelphia, and who have been married for 58 years.

Lee: I was overseas in the Navy and I had made a novena on board, and the intention of the novena was that I would marry the right girl. Of course, I had been going around with a girl for more than four years. Normally, I would get letters from her and at the bottom, it would always say, "All my love, Your Peggy." I did get a Christmas card, and when it finally came sometime in January, it said "Peggy." So I figured there was something wrong.

When I returned home, I called her and I said, "Is this what I think it is?" She said, "Yes." As it turned out, her father told her that now that I'm in the Navy, sailors can't be trusted.

For some reason, I wasn't completely all broken up about this. I had called two girls to go out, and neither one of them would go out with me because they figured, "He's going with Peggy."

John, my best friend, went around with Mary Lou's best friend, Helen. We were going to go out on a double date and I said, "I can't get anybody to go out with me." John said, "I'll take care of that."

I didn't have a car, but he did and so they came around to my house to pick me up. When I opened the door, who was in the back seat but this good looking girl, and that's what attracted me. I don't know, we just hit it right off. She was going with somebody else at the time. I told her that I had to go back overseas again and said, "Don't do anything until I come home." So when I came home, we got together.

Mary Lou: I knew about Lee from all the dances we went to; we would go to the dances. Back when I was a freshman, he was a senior and he always won all the jitterbug contests. He was so handsome. I never thought that I would ever have a date with him. At the time, I was actually engaged to another fellow, and I had accepted the ring. So Helen called me and she said, "You remember Leon DuBois? He doesn't have a date. He's only home for a few days. Could you break your date?" So I broke my date.

He didn't have the sailor suit on; he had this navy blue pinstripe suit with a white shirt and I thought, Oh, he's so handsome. And everybody in that group was so funny. We just laughed all the time. So I said, "Where are we going?" They said, "We're going to go over to New Jersey." There were all these clubs where you can have a drink and we all loved to sing and dance, so they ordered me a Brandy Alexander, and I had quite a few of them. We got up on the stage and we sang, "Abba Dabba Honeymoon." The next day, I said to my girlfriend, "I'm so sick. It's a good thing my mother isn't home," because I would have been grounded for ten years. So my friend said that Lee had to go back soon. Lee called me up the next day and I thought, well, come on over. So the big thing back then for going on a date was the movies and the ice cream parlor. Again, he came in his navy blue suit, and we talked about the fun we had. We used to sit on the sofa before he went back overseas and we would talk. We had the music on, just talk, talk, talk, lots of kissing, but nothing else, just kissing and talking.

Our romance, really our courtship, was mostly by mail because he was away for six months. We started writing back and forth. I have every single letter he ever wrote. And we used to do a poem together. I would write a line and the next letter, he would write a line.

Lee: One of the things that I think is really great is that we got engaged in the 69th Street Terminal in Philadelphia. We were waiting for the train. I got down on my knee and I proposed to her, and I gave her an engagement ring.

I believe the most important thing is to have a sense of humor and to be able to laugh at yourself. A sense of humor is so primary because people don't realize what effect it has on your metabolism. If I start thinking, I'm old and can't have a sense of humor, I'm going to sit here like this, that's not the way it should be. I believe this is one of the things that has helped us, that we have a sense of humor and being able to laugh at yourself.

Now, my father wasn't a big churchgoer, just my mother. But here's the thing. Back then, if you went to a Catholic school through grade school, you had to go to Mass. There was no ans, ifs or buts and they took attendance. In high school, the church paid your tuition. And they would also take attendance. Now, if you didn't go to Mass, the priest would come to your house and say, "Do you want to pay your tuition yourself? No? Then make sure your son starts going to church on Sunday."

Mary Lou: You wouldn't think of not going to church. And even if we were away on holiday, we used to go down to the seashore, and the first thing Sunday morning, you go to church. And we always went to daily Mass during Lent. We used to take the subway to go to Mass.

Lee: Even when I was in the Navy, they had Mass aboard ship, and it would be jammed with people.

Mary Lou: Anyway, not only do you have to love the person, you have to like them. A lot of people are madly in love. After you're married and all that glitter wears off, you have to like the person.

Lee: Like Mary Lou says, love is one thing, but you have to genuinely like each other, and I think that's really paramount.

Lee and Mary Lou DuBois live in Arnprior, Ontario and have been married for 58 years. Their courtship story, in its entirety, is included in "Come My Beloved: Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship."

Text and photo copyright 2011 Full Quiver Publishing

An Old-Fashioned Love Story

My maternal grandparents, John and Bessie May, met as teenagers. In this photo from 1916, they look very much in love. They went on to build a happy life together, welcoming and raising five children. My mother was their fourth living child, and the first to proudly graduate high school.

According to my mother, and from what I observed as a young child, they continued to grow in love and remain happily married. Over the years, my grandmother gained a lot of weight, but my grandfather told her that it didn't matter to him, because there was "a lot more of her to love."

In July of 1967, my grandmother died of a stroke. My grandfather passed away a year and a half later (on the 7th of February, 1969), my mother said, of a broken heart.

"May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen."

Text and photos copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Staying Connected

Another reason I love the 21st century is because it's easier than ever to stay connected to your spouse. Email and texting allow me to contact James while he's at work without interrupting him with a phone call.

Back in 1979, at the start of our long distance romance, we only had snail mail letters (sometimes taking up to two weeks to arrive). While I'm grateful that we have boxes and boxes of those beautiful and heartfelt letters, texting and email would have made the long distance relationship less frustrating.

In retrospect, I think the separation allowed us to realize that we could remain "close" even though we had 500 miles separating us. And…absence truly makes the "heart grow fonder." Living in different countries also made us appreciate those times that we were able to be together (and we continue to be thankful for our togetherness, even after nearly 29 years of marriage).

However, if I could do it all again, I'd want the texting and email. Although our cartoon takes it to an extreme, these modern conveniences truly do help a couple "stay connected."

Text copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Image copyright 2011 James and Ellen Hrkach/Full Quiver Publishing

You Should Get Married Again

This month on my blog, I will be featuring excerpts from Full Quiver Publishing's new book, "Come My Beloved: Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship" to be published this summer. Most of the stories are taped and edited interviews.

Today's excerpt is entitled "You Should Get Married Again," and it tells the powerful story of David, a widower and Posie, a widow:

Posie: As part of my discernment, it just worked out that someone anonymously gave me this amazing gift of a trip to Medjugorje in 2004. I was so thrilled, and felt so confirmed and cared for that someone would do this for me. On that trip, part of my discernment was "God, show me; Our Lady, show me. If you have anyone for me, tell me. If you don't, tell me that, too. I'll follow wherever you want me to go, whatever life that you ask of me."

During that pilgrimage, I really felt God saying to me, "Give me your heart and I'll give you mine. I'll give you a new heart." It was sort of like my heart had been broken by losing my first husband, and He wanted to heal it, and really did. I experienced a very deep healing, which was a really profound spiritual experience for me. But there weren't any concrete answers, other than that, just that my heart was healed, that I was whole, and I had this heart that was Jesus' heart. How can you really love again with a broken heart? It was very shortly after I got back from Medjugorje that David came back into my life as friends.

Whenever I thought about the idea of getting married again, I knew it would have to begin with friendship, and be built on that foundation. I just couldn't imagine getting into the dating scene, and I couldn't imagine ever falling in love without it being based on mutual faith and trust and sharing of our deepest values. I began to realize what a precious and rare thing that is.

When David came along, I was really glad to see him again, because we had been quite close as families, but as you can imagine, we'd known each other as married to someone else, so of course I didn't fall in love with him back then. It really showed me how love is from God. When He wants to manifest what we call "falling in love," He can do it. But it's not the way it's often portrayed in movies, where these married people are so attracted to each other, they end up having an affair because they cannot resist it. I think that would really be 'falling in lust.' I think of falling in love as more like falling into God together, and allowing His love to be made manifest between us. It's still a very powerful attraction, as I was to find out.

David: The last year of Anna's life was a very intense time. So when Anna did pass away, I was really burned out. Anna died in February of 2003, so when I did come up to our family cottage the following summer, in June, I was looking forward to just being in nature and resting. I wasn't in the mode of wife-hunting by any means. I just relished the thought of some down time, and my children came up now and then through the summer. So we had some good quality time with the children, good tears. Then in the summer of 2004, the Lord just somehow chose that time for Posie and I to meet once again and begin our courtship.

Posie: There was one night – it was the Feast of the Assumption which has always been a really powerful feast for me – he made me dinner again. And there was something electric going on in the air, but we weren't really talking about that yet. It was just something unspoken was going on. I was trying to figure out if I was imagining it or not. But when I went home that night to my house, my mind was going around and around and I couldn't sleep. I think it was fairly early the next morning, I drove back to the cottage because I just had to talk to him. I just had to ask him. I figured I've got nothing to lose because if there isn't anything going on in his heart, then I'll just carry on the way I have been going; we'll be friends. But if there is something going on, then maybe we can talk about it. I had gotten to the cottage and he was already out sitting by the water. I went down and I just spoke from my heart. I said, "It just seems like I'm falling in love with you and I don't know what to do and I just have to say that."

I remember thinking, it's getting real now, speaking from the heart, being vulnerable and yet not jumping to any conclusions, trying to do it gently. But then the topic was opened, and we started talking more about a relationship and what was going on and yes, there was something happening and what is this? Neither of us had any other relationships since our spouses had died. I remember one time, probably a few days after that, when we saw each other at Mass, I invited him back for brunch. We were sitting on the porch and he said, "Hmmm…that would be 14 children…" This was sort of the first time we started to talk about marriage. He was really genuine and sincere: "…how would we do that?" Then gradually, we talked more and more about it. We started to talk about marriage and what that meant and how it would happen, and how it would impact our families. Then we started talking about the timetable of it all. We didn't want to wait around too long. We knew how short life can be.

David and Posie Douthwright were married in December 2004. Together, they are the parents of 14 children. The complete version of their courtship story is included in Full Quiver's new book "Come My Beloved: Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship" to be published this summer.

Copyright 2011 Full Quiver Publishing

Going Courtin'

One of my favorite movie musicals is "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers." In this entertaining number, sister-in-law Milly explains to the six brothers how to "court a girl."

God's Natural and Beautiful Design

My new column at Amazing Catechists is entitled "God's Natural and Beautiful Design."

"The fact is, as experience shows, that new life is not the result of each and every act of sexual intercourse." Paul VI, Humanae Vitae

God's natural and beautiful design is that women are only fertile for a short time each month. Taking into account ovum life (48 hours at most) and sperm life (up to five days depending on the type of mucus in the woman's body), there are approximately seven days in each cycle that a woman is fertile. Other factors include each woman's particular level of fertility: the type of mucus, their age (the younger they are, the more fertile) and the man's level of fertility (sperm count and quality of sperm).

As Pope Paul VI writes in his encyclical, Humanae Vitae (On Human Life),"…new life is not the result of each and every act of sexual intercourse." And contrary to popular belief, the Catholic Church does not teach that a couple must actively seek pregnancy each time they engage in marital relations. But she does teach that intercourse must at least implicitly retain its procreative meaning. Contraceptives destroy the conjugal act's procreative aspect. Therefore, if the couple has serious need, and spacing or avoidance of pregnancy is desired, they may use Natural Family Planning, that is, relations during the infertile time.



Natural Family Planning is safe, healthy and effective and works as good, if not better, than most of the popular birth control devices and without the unhealthy side effects of contraceptives.

Let us pray each time we approach the marital bed: "I promise to be faithful to you. I come here freely, I love you totally and I am open to creating children with you."

Copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Happy Marriage Increases Longevity

To celebrate Valentine's Day, throughout the month of February, I will be featuring stories of happily married couples. I'll also be including excerpts from Full Quiver's new book entitled "Come My Beloved, Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship," tentatively scheduled to be published this June.

In a recent article on LifeSiteNews , researchers have concluded that "stable, long term, exclusive relationships" lead to "more healthy lifestyles and better emotional and physical health," and have a marked effect on longevity.

"The take home message is simple," the authors conclude. "Exclusive and supportive relationships confer substantial mental and physical health benefits that grow over time."

Image copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Marriage: A Noble Purpose

"Blessed are you,

O God of our fathers;

praised be your name

forever and ever.

Let the heavens and

all your creation

praise you forever.

"You made Adam and

you gave him his wife Eve

to be his help and support;

and from these two

the human race descended.

You said,

"It is not good for the man to be alone;

Let us make him a partner like himself"

Now, Lord, you know that I take this

wife of mine, not because of lust,

but for a noble purpose.

Call down your mercy on me and on her,

and allow us to live together to a happy old age."

Tobit 8:7

This beautiful prayer was the second reading of our Nuptial Mass in 1982 when my husband and I were married. When I first read these words many years ago, they affected me deeply, especially when I learned the history of why Tobias said this prayer.

After losing seven husbands before she could consummate her union with them, Sarah entered into marriage with Tobias. Tobias knew the history and understood that he could die if he married her. But he trusted God, recited the above prayer fervently and went on to a happy marriage with Sarah.

Nowadays, many Catholic couples live together or are sexually active before marriage. As much as they may desire to love one another – and most, I'm certain, really do feel love and affection towards the other – they cannot love each other in the way they are called to: freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully, truly loving as God loves. Sexual relations are meant to be the renewal of a couple's marriage vows. If there is no marriage, there are no vows and there can be no renewal. Essentially, pre-marital sex is a lie.

I realize that this may not be an easy thing for engaged couples to hear, especially if they are already living together. But if a couple wants to be close to each other and to God, it is essential for them to live the truth of God's laws on marriage: chastity before marriage and no contraception within marriage.



"God help us to love each other freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully. Help us to love and not to lust."

Copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Link to Catholic TV Interview

Thanks to everyone who was able to watch my Skype interview on Catholic TV's show "This is the Day." If you haven't seen it yet, it's now listed in the archives at the following link:

http://www.catholictv.com/Catholic-Re...

"This is the Day" Catholic TV Interview

I am scheduled to appear via Skype on Catholic TV's "This is the Day" program tomorrow, January 21st at 10:30 a.m. You can watch it via Live Streaming here: http://www.catholictv.com/this-is-the-day.aspx Click on the "Watch Catholic TV Live" link in the upper right-hand corner.

Or watch it in the archives:

http://www.catholictv.com/this-is-the-day.aspx