Becky Eldredge's Blog, page 8

Nature As A Holy Teacher: Into The Infinite Deep

I grew up near the coastal waters of the Pacific Ocean about 10 minutes from the beach. It was mesmerizing to stand on the shoreline shading my eyes, when as a child I’d gaze at the vastness of her beauty. Years later, I would make an Ignatian Long Retreat (the experience of the Spiritual Exercises over a silent, immersive, consecutive 30 day period) at the same beach; what a gift to behold what the moon and tide do to a shoreline over the span of a month! I watched this living, breathing entity model for me what it means to fully surrender to the Creator.

Karl Rahner, a Jesuit German theologian, and one of the most influential minds of the 20th century, was also captivated by the sea. Perhaps it was as an effective, fluid balance to his rigorous approach to life, faith, and church. 

Rahner spent much time explaining to others what God was not, in a concerted effort to get his students out of their heads. As humans, we seek to acquire knowledge of God the way we acquire knowledge about everything else in our lives. We learn the boundaries and the shapes of things in order to categorize the information. Thus, many of our ideas of life, people, and the Divine have historic, situational parameters. Rahner once said, ‘Knowing God is more important than knowing about God.’

Ignatius pushes us to consider God in a similar way…using the intellect, but not as the end to the exercise, but as the means. Imaginative contemplation becomes the bridge from the mind to the heart, prying our fingers off our heady ideas by offering a rich alternative. 

Like Ignatius, Rahner helps me use my imagination to paint a picture. He offers me a living metaphor that resonates so completely it remains a recurring image for me of how I visualize my journey toward and within the Divine. In one of his efforts not to define God, Rahner famously mused that God is mysterious, like an Infinite Horizon. 

At this point in my life, the Divine presents less like a Rock upon which to build than as Rahner’s metaphor of the open sea…an ocean with an endless horizon.

Taking the long view, I picture my spiritual progression as climbing into a small rowboat and paddling out on warmly familiar waters, full of anticipation of what I already know I will find on the horizon. Logically, an infinite horizon is endless. Thus, I keep paddling and paddling. The horizon seems to move forward. Why does the God I love feel just beyond my grasp?

This has been a personal experience at critical times in my life. Situations that groan for intimate connections with the Divine and yet seem, when I can’t imagine how, that God invites me to move forward without the consolation of a sense of Presence. The more I work to get to the horizon, the more ocean there is, and the farther away God feels.

Why then, should we consider this powerful image when it may simply feel like a horrible tease? Two things come to mind. One, imagine if I could actually row to the horizon and cascade over the edge. What exists there? Pause with this thought. This would mean that ‘the earth is indeed flat’ and that all I had previously known to be true and steadfast was questionable

The second consideration builds on the first. If I decide to commit to this journey of what I think I know but likely don’t have a clue, the magnetic nature of the Infinite Horizon necessitates the surrender of my oars and the map I have made for myself, demanding that I relinquish control over projected moorings and destinations. I am called to the deepest kind of faith.

Perhaps it is only in rowing over the edge of my knowing that I allow God to be for me what I never dared to consider before; what I was afraid to hope possible. Here, I surrender to the beckoning of a God who has eternal knowledge of me and seeks to draw me further and further ‘out to sea.’ At sea, there is only God. God is all there is. 

The image of God as Infinite Horizon becomes for me an occasion to ponder what I first experienced on the Long Retreat. What can I learn from the sea and the way the tide erodes the beach upon which I build my realities? The sand beneath my feet shifts as my life and relationship with God ebbs and flows, but the model of the ocean sustains my imagining of God as one who is alive, vibrant, and full of surprises. A God who caresses the shore upon which I stand and invites my total trust to wade into the infinite deep.

Go Deeper:

Pray Psalm 139, especially verses 1 – 18, as a foundation for your deeper reflection today.Allow yourself to be led into the deep through Becky’s SoundCloud Ocean MeditationLift your heart with the gentleness and warmth of composer Dan Schutte’s voice as he makes his song, You Are Near, his prayer.The British Jesuit website and APP, Pray As You Go, offers a simple exercise on how to lead yourself in Imaginative Ignatian Prayer. Use the image of God as Infinite Horizon.Learn a little more about Karl Rahner’s spirituality by spending 13 minutes with Paul Schutz in his Fordham TEDx talk.As mentioned in the blog, read more about Karl Rahner’s view of God as mysterious, like an Infinite Horizon.

Photo by Monique Jacobs

Embracing Our Greater Yeses: The Wonder of God

These past weeks have all been about the search for the “what.”  What is God asking of me?  St. Ignatius gave us a simple process to know what to do next with our lives.  His First Mode of Discernment was to ask questions, get facts to consider, and ask for the grace of clarity without doubt. What a gift that is!  The certitude this grace offers allows for the freedom to see the path forward.  If God gives us this gift, discernment is over.  We know what to do.  We can take a cleansing breath.  The facts, the clarity, the freedom from doubt allow us to say “Yes” and peacefully walk down this new path of God’s will.

St. Ignatius knew that it’s not always so easy or so clear.  Often, there are no facts at first.  This was as true for him as it is for us. God gave us our intuition, our senses and God loves to help us use them.  I think of this Second Mode of Discernment as God’s whispers.  We are like wind chimes and it is easy to picture and hear the gentle notes play against that breath.  Soft chords attract my heart to the sound.  Sometimes the wind keeps up without stopping getting stronger until I must stop and listen.  All are whispers which speak to the heart and for St. Ignatius, his feelings and his tears were his guides.  He understood that they were the language spoken by the Holy Spirit.  Noticing these feelings of consolation and desolation and the context within their presence were like a compass for him. They can be so for us. 

It wasn’t until I was praying the Spiritual Exercises that I learned the fact that feelings are treasures and when experienced as consolation or desolation were the language God chooses to speak to me, too.  Those whispers have been my guides throughout my life.  During the Exercises and within Ignatian Spirituality, I found my belonging in the Sacred Heart. Like the creation of a piece of art, discernment is a process.  It requires time and noticing.  We are paying attention and tracking how we feel…calm, content, eager or are we anxious, afraid, alone?  Discernment of spirits and discernment of God’s will combine in each of us.  God uses our spirit to inform us of our belonging.  In time, there is clarity and understanding which companions us forward.  Bringing all this to God in prayer, journaling and praying the Examen has become my essential support. Working with a spiritual director or a trusted person is an important component that St. Ignatius advises and both have helped me.

There are times when the Second Mode is still not enough.  It doesn’t mean we flunked discernment.  St.Ignatius wants us to be persistent and turns us to a Third Mode and it is the most analytical and clear cut of all.  We pray to know the advantages and disadvantages of a decision. God’s grace steps in to confirm the “this or thats” of our choices.  

Each of these modes can bring us to a conclusion and through God’s grace a courageous decision is before us. How do we know?  Take a breath, take a walk.  Think about all that has gone before in this discernment process.  The big question is how do you feel?  What do you notice?  Do you feel ready? Does it feel like it’s time to get to work?  Feeling nervous is normal.  Still not sure?  God might be encouraging you to sit within the Holy Spirit’s grace and let it steep a bit more.

You will know when you are ready to boldly answer God’s call.  When you are, it can be like the theme from the movie, “Rocky” playing in your ear.  It could also be that profound sense of rightness you felt holding your baby during the quiet night feeding.   Clarity quiets the nerves and helps us know what God asks of us.  However daunting or surprising the “what” is, keep in mind that God isn’t going to ask anything of us that we can’t do…and our “Yes” is all God needs to shower us with even more grace and courage to support us.  We truly are not alone on this adventure.   

St. Ignatius thought of everything.  His check and then check back approach to prayerful discernment reminds us to also check the fruits of our decision, of our actions.  When I first heard this, not all that long ago, I had no idea what he meant.  Fruit? I still struggle to check back and reflect on what is happening.  I’m happiest when I am digging in and “doing” something!  Well, so is the Holy Spirit. The fruits of the Holy Spirit have become my mile markers.  Looking back to see what happened, how I am feeling has become a welcomed pause.  The more I remember to tap into the Examen, the more centered I feel on this new path.  What does the Spirit’s expression of happiness look like in my life in this moment of missioning?  That is a frequent question I ask in prayer.  I’ve learned that the Holy Spirit has a gift basket full of fruit…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control.  What of these do you notice within you?  How do you feel?  Can you say “peaceful” and smile in surprise?  Can you say “patient” and then laugh at the wonder of it?  This is true discernment of spirits and it is that grace which draws us into the deep…and “deepens God’s life” in each of us on this bold, Pilgrim journey of Love.

 

Go Deeper:

Ponder:  “Our only desire and our one choice should be this: I want and I choose what better leads to the deepening of God’s life in me.”– St. Ignatius as paraphrased by David l. Fleming, S.J. from the beginning of the Spiritual ExercisesMeditate:  Meditating on these words has offered me comfort and reassurance:“I am obscurely convinced that there is a need in the world for something I can provide and a need for me to provide it.  “Someone else can do it.  God doesn’t need me.”  But I feel like He is asking me to provide it.  “If you love me, feed my sheep.”  The wonder of being brought by God around a corner and to realize a new road is opening up, perhaps which He alone knows.  And that there is no way of travelling it but in Christ and with Him. This is joy and peace…whatever happens. The results don’t matter.  I have something to do for Him.  If I do that…everything else will follow”.  ~Thomas Merton“God has created me to do Him some definite service.  He has committed some kind of work to me which He has not committed to another.  I have my mission. I may never know what it is in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. God has not created me for nothing.  I shall do good.  I shall do God’s work. I shall be an Angel of peace, while not intending it if I do but keep God’s commandments. Therefore, I will trust God, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness serves God, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve God.  God does nothing in vain.  God knows what He is about.  God may take away my friends.  God may throw me among strangers.  God may allow me to feel desolate, my spirits sink, hide my future from me.  Still…God knows what He is about.”  ~John Henry NewmanListen: Consider prayerfully listening to Take Me There and Meet Me There

 

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Embracing Our Greater Yeses: Bringing the Practical Steps to Prayer

In college, I majored in Mathematics. Even though I engage less with Mathematics these days, some of the essence of being a mathematician has stayed rooted in me. I love a concrete answer. Even if the path towards it is winding, I love being able to get to an end point and say: “There it is! I found it!” I like that things make sense in math. You are often able to balance both sides of the equation. Most of the time you can solve for x. When you can’t, you often can see fairly clearly that the problem itself was wrong. It was set up to fail. 

I have discovered, however, that life is not a lot like Math. There are many times when you can’t balance the equation or solve for x or clearly see that the problem was wrong to begin with. The endpoints are a lot more… variable. Despite knowing this, part of me wants to apply practical math skills to discernment as often as I can. So, when I discovered Ignatian Spirituality, I was so excited that Ignatius himself agreed that gathering the facts and weighing the data were as important a step as feeling the feelings. I think one of the greatest connections I feel to Ignatian Spirituality is that it lets me bring all sides of me to discernment and prayer.

Quite often, mode 2 (the mode where I’m invited to look at the consolation and desolation I feel regarding a decision I am about to make) doesn’t lead me all the way to actually making the decision. I often need more. I need more time. I need more data. I need more analysis, I need to go back to the drawing board.

So I’m grateful there’s a mode 3. What is mode 3? It’s the mode you enter when there is no clear choice after praying with the movements of consolation and desolation. It’s when you return to some basic tools of discernment, using one at a time in prayer to see where God leads you. It gives you an opportunity to go back and see where all the points are leading. 

The tools are: 

Make a Pro/Con List: Oh, man. I love this one. This is my mathematical brain’s happy place. I love putting things out on a chart and seeing how the lists play out. It’s often how I can see my feelings at play in more concrete ways. Recently, I made a pro/con list about where my twins should go to second grade. Even seeing it all laid out for me, I still needed someone to confirm what I was seeing. So, I imagined God sitting next to me saying “Come on, Gretchen. It’s so obvious! Can’t see it? Ok. Would you like to color code the list now?”Act as if You Made a Decision and Ponder the Outcomes: A Jesuit friend of mine always suggests this when I’m bent out of shape trying to make a decision. When I express to him my uncertainty, he usually says: “Choose something right now, and for the next 24 hours that is what you are doing. No more debating. It’s decided.” I usually only last a walk to Starbucks and back, but I still try it. It’s amazing how living in one reality can help me process what might be the right way forward. Act as if a friend came to you seeking advice for your similar situation. What advice would you give them? I should use this one more often. I love giving advice. I’ve got a good suggestion for everything. I think it’s because I’m an outloud processor. If this is the tool I decide to use in this mode, I go for a drive and pretend a friend is on the phone with me laying out their anxiety about an upcoming decision. Then, I give them (myself) all my sagest wisdom. By the end of the drive, I often have a whole lot to bring to prayer. Pondering the situation at your death This one is not my favorite tools. However, I will say it can be quite helpful. I’ve never benefited from people who have told me “you are going to regret doing this or not doing this later”. But I have benefited more often than not by imagining what my 102 year old self (because that’s totally how long I’ll live) will say to me instead. 

If you left mode 2 with a lot of uncertainty, I feel you. That happens to me a lot. But don’t lose heart! Move onto mode 3 and try one of the tools out for size. It might just give you the clarity you seek!

 

 

Go Deeper:

Check out our resources on discernment here. The next time you are in a discernment process, consider using the Four Steps of Discernment handout.

 

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Embracing Our Greater Yeses: Pay Attention to Your Gut

Remember, discernment involves small and large decisions through intentional  thought and prayer, an ongoing and dynamic process. Please take time to review the Four Step Discernment Process intro and the first mode, “Facts Matter”, explanations.  

In the process of discerning big and small decisions, someone might say: “I feel it in my gut” or “I just know.” Decisions like job opportunities and changes, family patterns, choosing college, child care, a spouse, or even small decisions can move us interiorly. My family, for example, engages the gut constantly as we consider colleges and next steps for my daughters. I teach my daughters that their gut, or rather, their spirit is a valuable indicator that informs them where God might be calling them. We often give facts more weight and value, but our ability to know the movements in our spirit is, according to St. Ignatius of Loyola, an essential tool for discernment. 

Desolation

Saint Ignatius taught, through the Spiritual Exercises, how to understand the movements of our interior self. He begins by explaining desolation, or the movement away from the voice of God. We know, in music, for example, when we hear a note or even a couple of notes that sound “off,” like they don’t belong in the chord or in the song, that something should be adjusted to create melody or harmony in our lives. This is what desolation feels like–notes that are being played off-key. 

During times of desolation, when there are notes creating discord in our lives, it becomes more difficult to hear God. Desolation feels heavy and dark. We might experience “a lack of faith or hope or love”  or restless and half hearted in prayer and other service of the good. We might even feel “rebelliousness, despair, or selfishness” (Fleming Spiritual Exercises 313–327). We have all felt some sounds of this in our lives– the tunes of our life are not in sync. 

In making decisions, we must pay close attention to the movements of our heart. Ignatius invites us to consider your decision and ask yourself:

  Does this bring me farther from God (desolation)?

Consolation

Consolation feels the opposite of desolation. When we are leaning into the voice of God and yearning to move toward the voice of God, we are able to freely and easily move in that direction. We “begin to see everything and everyone in the context of God, the Creator and Giver of all good gifts.” We hear the harmony of God all around you. Freedom rises inside of us and we see clear paths for our decisions. We feel “an increase of our faith, our hope, and our love” and the voice of God feels like home–like the voice that created us and loves us (Spiritual Exercises 313–327).

In making decisions, we must pay close attention to the movements of our heart. Ignatius invites us to consider the decision that you might make and ask yourself:

Does this bring me closer to God (consolation)?

I invite you to spend time with your journal when you enter this mode of discernment. After you have gathered the facts and noticed if you are in a Mode One discernment (God clearly makes it known), you may enter  Mode Two, considering the movements of the spirit towards consolation and desolation, write your interior movements. In Mode Two discernment, we pay attention to the choice that continues to bring consolation.  The permanence of writing something down takes the internal and brings it to the external. It helps make the important spiritual movements outside of yourself so that not only others can see it, but you can see your own spirit in words so that you can bring it all to God. 

 

 

Go Deeper:

Check out our resources on discernment here. The next time you are in a discernment process, consider using the Four Steps of Discernment handout.

 

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Embracing Our Greater Yeses: Facts Matter

In his great wisdom, St. Ignatius gave us realistic, practical, applicable tools that we can use when we’re faced with dilemmas and decisions. When we feel stuck in a spiritual rut or when we’re feeling called to something beyond what we can envision in this moment, among other notable and mundane life happenings, Ignatian discernment offers a way forward. As much as Ignatius emphasized the importance of our feelings, emotions, inner compass, and certainly prayer life in discerning decisions, he also believed in the role our intellect plays in the spiritual life generally and discernment particularly. 

As our Into the Deep team continues to move through aspects of Ignatian discernment, this week, we’re invited to consider an important piece of the discernment process, the data-gathering step. This is the step where we find and name the facts related to our discernment. Ignatius’s spiritual writings remind us that one’s inner compass and prayer life go hand-in-hand with one’s intellect. We need both to fully hear and heed God’s different calls in our lives. Facts, data, reason, intellect–these things are not the enemy of prayer or relationship with God, but rather, they all complement each other and work in tandem.

I have lived in intentional community in Jesuit-influenced settings for more than six years, and when I add to that a number of years of marriage and family life in my adulthood plus participation in several types of faith-based communities where discernment played a central role, I can easily see the importance of facts and nitty-gritty details as woven through my–and our–discernment processes. Often in communal settings, working from a starting point of consolations and desolations doesn’t lead to consensus or agreement on how best to proceed, and it’s helpful to let other facts and pieces of information also inform our group decisions.

As a twenty-something Jesuit Volunteer in Central America, my fellow JVs and I had committed to values of living simply, seeking justice, building community, and growing spiritually. As we tried to find our way in a new culture and with these values as guideposts, our fact-finding missions included everything from determining which foods and meals were cheapest and most ethically sourced, to ways we could engage in counteracting the lingering impacts of colonization and racial injustice as foreigners and historic oppressors. Facts helped make decisions about how we spent our time as individuals and a group and how things like transportation, safety issues, and cultural norms might impact that. In all of these things, there was a place for prayer, for purposeful conversations and sharing, and, yes, for concrete information.

Participating in ministries and teams at parishes requires more than just all of us sharing how we feel about something. We can have great intentions, driven by calls to Gospel justice and working to build the Kin-dom here on earth, but there might be important reasons that we aren’t able to move forward right now. Trying to grow a recycling program is dependent on things like parish finances, pick-up arrangements, and volunteer commitment. Offering assistance for parishioners with economic hardships to attend an annual social justice conference hinges on budgets and money earmarked for this purpose. Space available and volunteer capacity directly impact whether a parish can host two weeks of a rotating winter shelter for unhoused neighbors. 

And now, as a spouse and parent, the details and logistics that drive daily life show up in decisions big and small in our house. While my science- and data-driven mind does love information and facts, I find that being in touch with my heart, my gut, and my inner voice of wisdom–all of which, I think, are extensions of God speaking to and moving in me–can easily overshadow the fact-finding invitation Ignatius extends to me as part of my decision-making processes. On the contrary, on one of the many personality assessments available, the Kolbe Index, my spouse is classified as a “fact finder,” and he lives up to this in always seeking to be informed, well-researched, and thorough in his own thought processes. We balance each other well when we’re discerning decisions for our family and are able to call the other to consider what might not come as naturally. As much as we may or may not want to make a particular choice for our family, awareness of concrete things like our individual schedules, community commitments, financial situation, and transportation options often have to factor into our discernment process.

Ultimately, what we’re encouraged to consider in this aspect of discernment is that facts matter and are not to be given an insignificant role. Sometimes, taking them into consideration will affirm what we’re feeling about a potential decision in terms of consolation or desolation, and other times, we realize that the thing we’re considering just isn’t feasible in the present moment. But bringing them together with our prayer lives and our inner awareness will help us figure out what’s best and what God might have in store for us.

 

 

Go Deeper:

Peruse and use our discernment resources here.Be sure to take a look at the Four Steps of Discernment handout.Consider using one of the following prayers in your personal or communal discernment.

Prayer for Communal Discernment, by Debra Mooney

Good and loving God, our source of love and light,

Thank you for bringing us together today in a spirit of generosity.

May we honor one another by keeping an open mind.

May we voice our truth and listen with an open heart.

May we discern your will to unite in fruitful outcome.

We ask for your wisdom and grace to use our talents for the betterment of others.

With gratitude, we offer this prayer in your name. Amen.

 

Deep Listening (Author Unknown)

God of silence and God of all sound, help me to listen.

Help me to do the deep listening to the sounds of my soul, waiting to hear your soft voice calling me deeper into you.

Give me attentive ears that begin to separate the noise from the sounds that are you–

You who have been speaking to me and through me my whole life, for so long that you can seem like background noise:

Today, help me hear you anew. Amen.

 

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Embracing Our Greater Yeses: Discernment Starts Here

Ignatian Spirituality is known for finding God in all things and being very practical.  There is such a beauty in recognizing God in the ordinary, everyday moments: a cool breeze, birds chirping, and a giant hug from my children when I pick them up from school just to name a few. We can also find God when we are discerning a major change. These big (or even not as big) decisions become discernment when we include God in the process. Today, we will walk through the four steps of discernment. I’ve used this process both formally and less intentionally many times in my life. Here, I would like to share how our family used these steps to help us discern the decision between me being a working mom or stay at home mom when I was expecting our second child.

We found out I was pregnant with our first son when our daughter was about 16 months old. We had moved back home to Louisiana only a few months before. As I started a new job teaching, there was a season of transition as our daughter and I adjusted to her no longer coming to work with me to attending daycare.

The transition to sending my daughter to daycare was not easy for me. I struggled for months not being there in the morning when she woke up and never being able to drop her off at daycare since my morning started earlier than my husband’s. We all eventually adjusted and settled into our new routine, our new normal. As the school year and my pregnancy continued, we started our search for a daycare spot for our baby-to-be. As we were looking at different places, we realized having two children only 23 months apart in daycare was going to be quite the expense! Once we realized almost the entirety of my paycheck would go to paying for daycare, we had a decision to make- would I go back to work, or would I stay home with our children?

I became overwhelmed with the decision I had to make. My husband was supportive either way, it was really my choice to make. I quickly realized I needed to bring my overwhelming decision to God in prayer. I told God about all my mixed emotions. I asked my parents and my in-laws what they thought I should do, and told them my concerns for both choices.

After this, I was still not ready to decide, so I gathered my data. The thought of leaving my tiny baby in daycare made me feel guilty. I quickly realized this guilt could be fear of the unknown, so I continued to ponder my decision with my husband and with God in prayer. With no clear answer in mind, I took out a notebook and leaned on one of Ignatius’ tools, make a pro/con list. I listed all the pros of staying home and the pros of returning to work. I also listed the cons for each. Neither of my lists were very long, but simply writing down the different reasons I wanted to return to work and the reasons I wanted to stay home helped me come to a decision free of any guilt. After writing my list and bringing this list to prayer (and to my husband and my Dad), I was ready to come to a decision. 

While I knew the gap on my resume may not be ideal for future employment, after much discernment, I made the decision to stay home with our children.I felt consolation in this decision because I felt a new sense of confidence after this discernment process, which helped me to remember I made this decision after several prayerful conversations with God. I knew I was fortunate to have the choice to stay home with them, and I felt reassurance that work would be there for me when I was ready to return. I lived into this decision by continuing to work until our sweet baby was born that April. Once our discernment was complete, I felt such freedom knowing my husband and I had not made this decision alone, we made it with God. 

Over the next several years, the urge to return to work would come and go, and I would bring it back to God in prayer. More than once I was able to hear the whisper from God, “not yet” and trusted I was where God wanted me to be. When it was time for me to return to work, God made it clear to me in prayer, and my job basically fell into my lap! I realized these decisions, these discernment moments became much easier and less overwhelming when I remembered I was not doing this alone, God was with me every step of the way.

Over the next several weeks, our Into the Deep writers will go even deeper into the different parts of the four steps of discernment. If there is a choice you are trying to discern yourself, check out our Four Steps of Discernment handout. And don’t forget to bring what you are discerning to God!

 

 

Go Deeper:

Check out our discernment resources here.The next time you are discerning something, consider using our Four Steps of Discernment handout.Read about the Four Strategies for Discernment from Vinita Hampton Wright. 

 

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Embracing Our Greater Yeses: The Cost of the Call

After retiring, I had luxurious time to look back on my life and the surprising twists and turns it held. How was it that an introvert was thrust into a career meeting families from around the world?  How was it that 26 years before that, I went to volunteer at a nursing home and found myself hired that day to be its Recreation Director…then its Admissions and Social Services Director…then its Administrator?  I never thought  any of this was because God wanted me there, because there was work God wanted me to do. While I didn’t know anything about discernment back then, in those moments of invitation, however nervous I might have been, I just knew that I had to say yes.  

I can laugh at myself now when I think back on those twists and turns that I called coincidence or “accident.”   Each was God calling me to help someone…a call to comfort, to console, to encourage, to teach, to defend, to companion, to feed. 

The COVID pandemic emerged several years after I retired and submerged the world into isolation.  My husband and I were already home and had a very quiet lifestyle which I loved, but now there was more time than I knew what to do with.  I grew restless.  The “Overwhelmed No More” retreat popped up in my email and I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  I knew I needed to register. I had the time. I had run out of excuses.  I tapped the REGISTER box.  

Something changed in those days.  I changed in those days.  I was scheduling time, blocking out an hour each morning to “retreat.”  When the retreat was over, I kept blocking out hours on the calendar to pray.  The incidental relationship I had with God had become an essential one that I didn’t want to miss. Each day created a stepping stone on this new path. I began working with a Spiritual Director once a month, was led to the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises, and then to a Call to Interfaith Chaplaincy.  

The Holy Spirit invites us to consider the cost of answering God’s call.  We have a choice when we receive that call. Be it a whisper, a nudge, sporadic or persistent, it is gentle, it is respectful, it offers space and time…and God waits…for me, for you. Isn’t that a wonder? The tender Spirit of all patience waits for us to accept this invitation and helps us reach our decision. I asked what’s the worst that can happen and the dam opened.  There was an endless list of paralyzing worsts all meant to stop me dead in my tracks.  Desolation was a real adversary at this stage working to discourage me from saying yes to that gentle invitation. 

What was the cost of this request from God? I had to hear the whispers, open my mind and change it.  “Yes, Mary Ann, you are retired and there is still work to be done that you can do.  I would like you to do it and you have the time.”  It felt right.  I applied and was accepted to the program.  There were practical costs to going back to school; tuition expense, time for classes, clinical hours and homework, hours of winter driving and hotel stays.  Those were manageable.  

The true cost of this call did not come from my resources but from my poverty. It didn’t take long before the deep reflection necessary to work effectively with people in pain and crisis confronted me with my own deep, unacknowledged fears, pain, and losses.  I was being asked by God to surrender all of my life and my lived experiences, my memories, my fears, my intellect, my will and trust this path, this challenge, this narrow gate.  I was being led to the freedom of God’s will for me. 

“Oh, God, you made a big mistake picking me for this.  I said yes because I thought I knew what I was doing.  I could learn a few skills and build on what I already have and go “help” people.  This is so hard!  I don’t have words.  How can I do this?”  “Mare, you can’t do this on your own but together we can.  Trust me.  I will give you the words when you need them.  I will heal you. Please, trust me.”  

The Holy Trinity was asking me to live the words of the Sucipe.  That is the invitation we receive when God calls.  The true cost of my call was to surrender everything…what I know and what I don’t know…my fear of failure, my need to be perfect, my fear of vulnerability, my wounds unhealed, my fear of trusting even God…everything.  “Give me only your love and your grace…then, I will be rich enough and will desire nothing more.” 

 

 

Go Deeper:

Pray the Sucipe prayer and other Ignatian prayer resources here.  God Isn’t Finished with Me Yet by Barbara Lee (Loyola Press, 2018) – Read a story of a retired woman’s journey to discover God had more in store for her!  In the hands of God “More than ever I find myself in the hands of God.  This is what I have wanted all my life from my youth.  But now there is a difference; the initiative is entirely with God.  It is indeed a profound spiritual experience to know and feel myself so totally in God’s hands.”  Pedro Arupe, SJ. “Hearts on Fire, Praying with Jesuits”, Edited by Michael Harter, SJPsalm 23 helps me stay grounded, content within my surrender.

 

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Embracing Our Greater Yeses: The Call to Imitate Christ in Greater Yes Discernment

There is a tiny chapel tucked away off the stairwell landing at the Jesuit Retreat Center in Cleveland. The cozy space with its comfortable accent chairs and natural light is the perfect hiding place for prayer. Above the small altar, a large olive wood crucifix is firmly mounted against the reclaimed wood panel wall. A red mosaic candle flickers in the corner; a visible reminder of Christ’s presence hidden in the tabernacle embedded in the wall.

Two portraits hang in the corner honoring the memory of the martyrs for whom the chapel is dedicated – the four women martyrs of El Salvador and the Jesuit Martyrs and their companions. A laminated sign on the window sill tells the story of the four women:

Ita Ford M.M, Dorothy Kazel O.S.U., Maura Clarke M.M., and Jean Donovan responded to God’s call to be one with the poor of El Salvador. Aware that the depth of their compassion and commitment could cost them their lives, they freely chose not only to live with and for the people of El Salvador, but also to die with them. On December 2, 1980 they were brutally tortured and murdered by members of El Salvador’s National Guard. Through the memory and witness of their life and death, may we too respond to God’s continuing call to solidarity with the poor.

I have long admired the lives of contemporary martyrs – Saint Oscar Romero, Blessed Stanley Rother, the Trappist Martyrs in Algeria – and the four North American women in particular, because of the presence of a lay woman missionary among them. When given the opportunity to return to the United States, they chose to remain with the people of El Salvador, regardless of the cost to their own safety. I am envious of their courage and faithfulness. What kind of love and complete dedication is required to lay down one’s life for another?

Most of us will likely never face this kind of life-or-death decision. But each of our journeys as disciples will include moments of great love and periods of intense suffering.

How are we called to imitate Christ in our discernment? Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” (Mt. 16:24)  This scripture reminds me that my life is not my own. It is not about what I want, rather, it is about responding in freedom to God’s call. Do I recognize my own call as a participation in Jesus’ work to bring about the Kingdom? How is my own unique vocation a participation in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection?

St. Ignatius speaks about 3 phases of humility, or three modes of being in relationship with God.  The first phase is marked by a desire to obey God, where we want nothing that would separate us from God. The second phase is where we are called to grow in deeper love with God, and we come to accept all things as a gift from God including poverty and suffering. The third phase is a desire to imitate Christ and live as Jesus did, including a desire for insults, dishonor, and intentionally choosing hardship in order to imitate Christ. 

When I reflect on that third phase of humility, I sometimes think “Not me!!” I might be willing to accept suffering, but I could never desire poverty or dishonor. I could never choose hardship like Jean Donovan or Sister Ita Ford. But God isn’t asking me to be somebody else. God invites each of us to respond in love to that which is immediately in front of us.

Renowned Ignatian spiritual director Joseph Tetlow, SJ describes the third phase of humility in this way, “I find it astonishing that I feel summoned to intimate friendship with Jesus Christ. I know that His way leads to dying to the self. I know His way leads to the cross. While I do not feel impelled to go looking for suffering or invited to inflict suffering on myself, I do feel perfectly ready to take whatever suffering comes along, and I will accept it as from the hand of God because then I will be following Jesus.”

Humility comes from a place of deep love. Given the choice, don’t all of us desire to do the most loving thing? Sometimes the most loving choice inevitably leads us down a road that is messy and uncertain. Perhaps we feel unprepared and pushed beyond our comfort zone. There are times when loving others comes with reputational risk, financial cost, or an inordinate commitment of time. 

Most of us will not be giving our lives over to martyrdom, but we make decisions every day to sacrifice ourselves for the benefit of others:

caring for aging parents or grandparentswalking with a friend through cancer or illnessrisking a painful breakupbefriending someone with vastly different political, religious, or social valuesextending forgiveness when we’d rather hold a grudge speaking up for the marginalized and voicelessstanding alongside communities who are facing unjust discriminationpraying for people who have hurt us

Imitating Christ is not about choosing the hard road to somehow “prove” my worthiness or to show others that I can withstand physical pain. True humility is never meant to justify actual injustice – like staying in an abusive relationship or accepting racism, homophobia, or sexist remarks. Imitating Christ is always motivated by love, letting go of our need for honor or pride, and knowing that choosing the path of greater love will inevitably entail suffering.

Sister Ita Ford says it best when she wrote to a friend, “I hope you come to find that which gives life a deep meaning for you. Something worth living for — may be even worth dying for – something that energizes you, enthuses you, enables you to keep moving ahead. I can’t tell you what it might be – that’s for you to find, to choose, to love. I can just encourage you to start looking and support you in the search.”

 

 

Go Deeper:

Tim Muldoon, 3 Levels of HumilityMaureen McCann Waldron, Courage and MagnanimityBeth Knobbe, Saying “No” In Order to Say a Deeper “Yes”

 

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Embracing Our Greater Yeses: Follow the Leader

“You are not the boss of me! You don’t even belong to our family!” 

I stepped back and took a deep breath. The admonition that poured from the lips of the stringy, little, 10-year-old redhead in front of me bounced off the walls and floor – every surface, really – of the kitchen, but she was exactly right. I couldn’t argue with truth, could I? Yet, I sure wanted to. The temptation to speak words that I would later regret passed as I swallowed and unclenched my jaw. I was caring for the daughter of my best friend for the weekend. “That sounds like fun,” I thought, “I love kids!” Ha! However, the key was to remember that I wasn’t 10 myself anymore, and there was some responsibility and expectation to be the grown up in this scenario!

As off-putting as her words were, something stuck, and I kept turning them over in my mind. I try so hard to be the boss of myself, which leads to ongoing challenges! When I am uncertain about actions to take, or positions to hold, I often press harder. Almost as though the force I apply will camouflage my inner uncertainty and help me feel better about my quandary. At least I’m doing something, goes the logic.

It is classic human behavior, that we use our social templates for the spiritual life. It’s all we know, right? As we are made in God’s image, we often imagine that what works for humans, must work for God. Jesus, however, becomes the best example, the source and model of every authentic human relationship with the Divine. The need to be the boss of our relationship with God, and to make life decisions on our own, can tie us into knots and get us into deep water and, like those tricky rip-tides, we won’t even know we’re getting sucked out to sea. The funny thing is God makes every effort to tell us that ‘being the boss’ of ourselves is not necessary! God relieves us from that stressful responsibility. Enter one of the most intimate gifts God ever gives us; enter the Holy Spirit.

Ignatius wrote in his diary, ‘…the Father gave me his Spirit to reason and discern, even though I had already spoken of the matter as something finished.’ -10. [15]H

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom”, Paul tells us (2 Cor 3: 17). By the outpouring of his Spirit, the risen Jesus creates the vital space where human freedom is fully realized. The burden of bias, implicit in every discernment, is lifted by a deep reliance on this dynamic Spirit of God. It is the invitation to be animated by the very essence of God! ‘The Holy Spirit, who searches the depths of God, is at the same time the light that illumines our conscience and is the source of our true freedom (cf. Dominum et Vivificantem, n. 36).’ 

This Holy Spirit, who searches the depths of God, already knows how to offer us the most vibrant life there is. This life is seamlessly reflective of the life that animates God – sourced, as they are, by the same Spirit. Thus, the burden of discernment is transferred from our shoulders to the expansiveness of the Divine. The freedom of my deeper yes is made from a place of inner confidence that God will choose the time to fan those necessary decisions into flame within me. The invitation here is, can I surrender the desire for a spiritual corner office and follow the Leader? 

Ignatius was referred to by his confidant, Fr. Jerome Nadal, as a ‘contemplative person even while he was in action.’ This was due to Ignatius’ ability to weave reliance on the Holy Spirit into all of his daily responsibilities. Father Warren Sazama, SJ writes, “Discernment of spirits takes us on an exciting adventure. When we give up control and take risks to follow God’s lead not knowing where we will end up, with the attitudes of openness, generosity, and inner freedom recommended by Ignatius, life is a lot more fun and exciting than when we try to control everything ourselves.”

Every morning, when dedicating the day to Love, I ask for that grace. Help me to cede the illusion of control to you, O gracious God, and to freely commit my entire self to the mystery of your guiding Spirit. For me, there is the aching need to pray this every day, for the tendency to want to take back the lead is a strong one. The act of faith by which we make a daily wholehearted decision for God, allows us to abandon ourselves to the influence of the Holy Spirit and becomes the highest expression and experience of freedom. What an amazing Spirit we follow!

 

 

Go Deeper:

Take it to prayer: II Corinthians 3: 2 – 5, 13 – 18Find inspiration through Imaginative Prayer with Stephanie Clouatre-Davis on Becky’s Sound Cloud by reflecting on the Call of Samuel to follow the promptings of God’s Spirit.
Have you ever felt like time has been split, into a ‘before’ and ‘after?’ Join Kathy Powell on Becky’s Sound Cloud in an Examen for a Day of Crisis when your need for the freedom of the Holy Spirit is immediate and real. Sometimes our greatest freedom to hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit is by walking outside. Take the Spirit with you as you head outdoors through this reflection by Pray As You Go.Enjoy this short video where senior Jesuit wisdom figures articulate how they see the Holy Spirit alive today and over the course of their lives.Vinita Hampton Wright shares about the freedom that comes with authentic discernment here.

 

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Embracing Our Greater Yeses: When Choices Become Clearer

Last week, I walked us through the “pre-work” stage of discernment where I talk invite directees to engage in the passive discernment posture of noticing what you notice.  This week, we turn to the active stage of discernment.  St. Ignatius offers us a lot of wisdom on this stage, which many of the other Into the Deep writers will explore.  Today, I want to focus on how we know there is a shift from the passive to active discernment stage.  

Choices Appear and the Questions We Ask: 

At some point, our posture of noticing with God brings to our awareness options of how to respond to the deep desires of our heart.  It becomes clear the decision we are trying to make, and we can actively ask God for clarity of which choice is the right one for us. 

In the active phase of discernment, I will invite my directees to notice the shift in their questions.  The questions move from high-level pondering to concrete choices.  There may be multiple options in front of us, but we see active ways we could respond to what has been stirring in our heart.  

For example, someone who was once a teacher felt called to respond to the illiteracy in young children she encountered in her decades of teaching.  While no longer a full-time teacher, her desire to continue to help children learn to read lingered after retirement.   For months she prayed through the passive discernment phase.  Suddenly she and I noticed a shift in her questions.  Instead of high-level ponderings, her choices started taking shape.  She noticed options such as after-school tutoring at a specific school, joining a program of volunteers who went into schools to read to children, and another option at the library arose.  She began placing the actual options in front of God.  

Like this woman, our questions shift in active discernment to include questions such as: 

God, of all the choices and options before me, which of these is the better way to follow you? God, which choice leads to greater service of God and of others? Which choice most deepens my relationship with God and also bears fruit in others? 

Puzzle Pieces of Active Discernment: 

We will find ourselves naturally moving from the invitation to build some unknown puzzle to a more clear image of what the call is about.  For the woman I mentioned above, she went from the stance of creating an unknown puzzle with God to suddenly understanding what God was calling her to.  She had a sense of who to move toward- young children and illiteracy.  She had a sense of what she could offer them- her decades of teaching experience.  She had an opportunity to put all together into action for greater service of God and others. 

When we are invited to the active phase of discernment, we, too, have a sense of who we are being called to move towards.  We know what we can offer in response to what we see.  We also have opportunities to put our gifts and noticings into action.  

Once in an active discernment phase, we can lean into St. Ignatius’ discernment wisdom on discerning a greater good that we will explore further in the coming weeks about of all the choices which way invites us to imitate Christ in a way that brings us to deeper trust and relationship with God.  We can dive into the four steps of discernment and also lean on the three modes of discernment.  

This week, I invite you to consider if you are in a passive or active discernment phase now.  If not in a discernment season at the moment, I invite you to reflect on times in the past where you remember God inviting you from a passive discernment phase into an active one.  How did you notice God moving you from one to the other? 

 

 

Go Deeper:

Read the rest of our series, Embracing Our Greater Yeses Download the PDF that lays out the Passive and Active Discernment stages around my acronym of H.O.P.E.  Explore our discernment resources:  https://beckyeldredge.com/discernment-resources/

 

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