Scott LaPierre's Blog: Scott LaPierre | Living God's Way | Pastor, Author, and Speaker, page 40

Husbands get the wives they prepare for themselves

Husbands get the wives they prepare for themselves based on Ephesians 5:26–27:

That [Christ] might sanctify and cleanse [the church] with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

This is discussing what Christ does with His, Bride, the Church. Since the context is marriage, it’s also explaining what husbands should do with their wives. Christ “sanctifies and cleanses” His bride, so husbands should sanctify and cleanse their brides. This makes a husband at least partially responsible for his wife’s sanctification.

Just as Christ gets the church He prepares for Himself, so husbands get the wives they prepare for themselves

There is a tremendous truth contained in these words. Christ does what He does in verse 26—sanctifying and cleansing the church—so that He can obtain for Himself the glorious church, or bride, described in verse 27 that “has no spot or wrinkle but is holy and without blemish.” The simplest way to say it is: Christ gets the church He prepares for Himself.

Since this is a picture for husbands and wives, what else is the apostle Paul implying by this truth? Husbands get the wives they prepare for themselves. Wives respond well to love, holiness, and obedience to God’s Word. When husbands treat their wives:

Forgivingly, lovingly, and tenderly, they will generally receive more forgiving, loving, and tender wives
Unforgivingly, unlovingly, and harshly, they generally find themselves with wives who are less forgiving, loving, and tender

If a husband:

Takes his wife to church
Reads the Word with her
Prays with her
Helps her grow spiritually

He will receive a more spiritually mature wife. What kind of qualities will be produced as a result? Galatians 5:22–23 record: “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”

Conversely, if a husband does not lead his wife spiritually he will receive a wife who is less spiritual. What is the opposite of spiritual? Fleshly. Galatians 5:19–22 list the “works of the flesh” and here are just a few: hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, envy, even adultery.

How many husbands see these works in their wives because they are poor spiritual leaders? How many wives might be more spiritually mature if their husbands were better spiritual leaders? Tragically, I have listened to some husbands talk terribly about their wives when in fact they have simply received the wives they prepared for themselves.

Husbands reap what they sow in marriage

Galatians 6:7 says: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.” The context of this verse is giving to the church, but the principle also applies to a husband’s relationship with his wife. Husbands generally reap what they sow in marriage. If husbands will invest in their wives by sowing seeds of love and interest, if they will plant spiritual seeds of sanctification, they will reap what they have sown. Let’s summarize by keeping two truths in mind:

There are two great reasons husbands should be strong spiritual leaders:

First and foremost because this is what God commands and we will be held accountable for doing so.
Second, so husbands might have loving, spiritual wives.

The good news is that God’s commands to husbands benefits them as much as it benefits their wives. A husband who loves his wife as God commands will bring great blessing to himself. This is why in the very next verse, Paul says:

“He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Discuss: 

Wife: What are some ways you want your husband to sanctify and cleanse you?
Husband: What are some ways you sanctify and cleanse your wife?

A few other things:

Here’s all the info you need for the upcoming Christian Heritage Marriage Retreat
Be sure to check out this other video: “Can a wife love her husband without respecting him?”
Much of this post is from my book,  Marriage God’s Way . Let me know if you’d like a signed copy!
Here’s the Facebook Live video with all the comments and discussion…

The post Husbands get the wives they prepare for themselves appeared first on Scott LaPierre.

Generational curses: are children punished for their parents’ sins?

If you’ve been in the church for any length of time, you’ve probably heard generational curses discussed. There are two conflicting opinions:

God punishes children for the sins of their parents.
God doesn’t punish children for the sins of their parents.

Why the confusion?

Verses seem to support and argue against generational curses…

Exodus 20:5, 34:7, Numbers 14:18, and Deuteronomy 5:9 indicate God punishes children for the sins of their parents:

You shall not bow down to [idols] nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me.

Other such as Deuteronomy 24:16 and Ezekiel 18:2-4, 20 indicate God doesn’t punish children for the sins of their parents:

Ezekiel 18:2-4, 20 The LORD says, “What do you mean by this proverb, ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge’? This proverb shall no more be used. Behold, the soul who sins shall die…The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father…the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself.

The people said they were punished (their teeth were bad: “set on edge”), because of their parents’ sins (the “sour grapes” they ate). God said, “Don’t say this anymore. You’ll be punished for your own sins!”

So which is it?

Generational curses: the  solution…

God doesn’t punish children for the sins of their parents, but often the sins of parents are passed down to children. When children commit those sins they are punished. So the following is true:

Children are punished “for the sins of their parents”
Children are punished for their own sins

The second half of Exodus 20:5 says, “…visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me.” By engaging in idolatry these children are showing they “hate” God.

Idolatry is often passed down from parents to children. Children practice the idolatry they learned from their parents and are punished for it. But it’s not as though the children are punished without sinning.

Generational curses: an example with King David

Frederick Meyer said, “A man never sees the worst of himself until it reappears in his child.”

One of the painful realities for David is that his children embraced his sins. David saw a beautiful woman, took her, and slept with her (2 Samuel 11:1-5). To prevent the discovery of his sin, David got Uriah drunk, then had his servant (Joab ) murder him (2 Samuel 11:6-17). David said, “I don’t care if the woman is married, if I want her, I’ll take her.” Consider:

David’s son Amnon saw a beautiful woman (Tamar), took her, and slept with her (2 Samuel 13:1-14). Amnon said, “I don’t care if the woman is my half-sister, if I want her, I’ll take her.”
David’s son Absalom became angry with Amnon, so he got him drunk and had his servants murder him (2 Samuel 13:23-33).

David looked very cunning when he plotted sexual sins and murder. Amnon and Absalom looked equally cunning when they plotted sexual sins and murder.

The lesson for parents

I’ve seen two situations with parents:

Great parents whose children rebel. The children rebelled despite the way the parents raised them.
Parents whose children rebel and they feel at fault. They saw their sins in their child.

The strongest reason we should live holy, godly lives is we love God and want to serve Him. Another reason is so we don’t see our sins passed along to our children.

Discuss:

What are your thoughts on generational curses?
Do you think Scripture supports them, argues against them…or both?

Final notes:

There are still spots available for the Christian Heritage Marriage Retreat in Leavenworth, WA on February 16th and 17th.
See Katie and I discussing “The Art of Apologizing Well.”
The Marriage God’s Way Workbook should be sent to the publisher as early as tomorrow. This could make it available before the end of February!
Here’s the video on Facebook if you’d like to see the original comments and discussion…

 

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Why are wives commanded to submit to their husbands?

Wives are commanded to submit because it’s necessary

We see the clear need for submission in all other areas of life. No organization can be successful without authority or headship:

Businesses have CEOs.
Sports teams have coaches.
Governments have presidents or prime ministers.

Just as we recognize the need for a leader, or a head, we also recognize that there cannot be two heads. We don’t see two head coaches, two presidents, two head pilots, or two head surgeons. Imagine how uncomfortable you would feel:

Flying on a plane with two head pilots arguing over the flight plan
Being operated on by two head surgeons quarreling over the proper procedure

Instead we always see a:

Head coach and an assistant coach
President and a vice-president
Pilot and a co-pilot
Principal and an assistant principal

The second-in-command submits to the authority of the leader. Since we recognize this need in all other areas of life, we should recognize this need in marriage too.

Wives are commanded to submit because of disagreements

One of the most common arguments I have heard from wives who do not want to submit to their husbands is: “I would submit to my husband if I agreed with him.” Can we see the problem with this logic? If a wife agreed with her husband, she would not have to submit. Submission is in place entirely for when husbands and wives do not agree.

Perhaps a husband and wife have discussed a decision together, presented their ideas, shared their thoughts, and tried to come to an agreement. But they cannot. At this point, what do they do? How do they decide? Do they resort to arguing? Do they flip a coin or play “Rock-Paper-Scissors”? Just as in all the authority structures we have discussed, there is a clear answer here, and it is an answer God has decreed, not man. For the marriage to be able to move forward, the husband has been designated to make the final decision.

Discuss: Do you see the same need for submission in marriage as in all other areas of life? How do you handle disagreements in your marriage?

Here is the Facebook Live video with all comments and discussion:

 

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Can a wife love her husband without respecting him?

Can a wife love her husband without respecting him? Not only would I say it’s possible, I would say it’s common! Most women will say they love their husbands, and I believe they do. But many of these same wives might not respect their husbands. I’ve met men who have told me they feel loved by their wives but not respected.

In marriage counseling, when I hear wives expressing their frustrations about their husbands, it typically sounds like this: “I don’t feel that my husband loves me. I wish my husband loved me more. He never tells me he loves me.” But when husbands express frustration, it more often sounds like this: “I wish my wife respected me more. I wish my wife followed my lead. I wish my wife supported my decisions.”

In truth, it is much easier for a wife to say she loves her husband than to show it through respect. But it is through respect that a wife expresses her love for her husband. If a wife does not show respect, her husband will not feel loved. A good perspective for couples to keep in mind is that feeling unloved is as painful to a wife as feeling disrespected is to a husband.

An example from scripture of a wife loving her husband without respecting him

In answer to the question, Scripture gives us a perfect example of a wife who loved her husband without respecting him. There’s actually only one woman in all of Scripture SAID to love her husband:

1 Samuel 18:20 Michal, Saul’s daughter, loved David.

This is not to say other women in Scripture did not love their husbands. I am sure many of them did—but it is not emphasized. Why is that?

I admit I am being a little speculative here. Perhaps it is because—as we have already discussed—the priority is for women to respect their husbands rather than to love them. As a result, Scripture emphasizes a wife’s respect more than her love.

When David brought the ark into Jerusalem, he danced and twirled as he led the procession. Michal thought David’s behavior was terribly unbecoming. Her father, Saul, was all about appearances, and he would never act this way. Perhaps this had rubbed off on Michal, so she found David’s behavior far below the dignity of a king:

2 Samuel 6:20 Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, “How glorious was the king of Israel today, uncovering himself today in the eyes of the maids of his servants, as one of the base fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!”

You can hear the ridicule in her voice. No matter how much she loved David, we can be sure he didn’t feel respected at this moment. So to answer the question, yes, a wife can definitely love her husband without respecting him!

Discuss: Do you think a wife can love her husband without respecting him? Can you think of any other examples fro Scripture that apply to the question?

A few other things:

Here’s all the info you need for the upcoming Christian Heritage Marriage Retreat
Be sure to check out this other video: “How should I respond when my husband mocks my Christian beliefs?”
Here’s the Facebook Live video with all the comments and discussion…

The post Can a wife love her husband without respecting him? appeared first on Scott LaPierre.

Do you know why you believe what you believe?

Instead of, “Know what you believe,” a more appropriate statement might be, “Know why you believe.” 1 Peter 3:15b says, “Always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.”

We’re supposed to be ready to explain why we believe what we believe. The words “make a defense” are one word in the Greek: apologia. It means, “verbal defense; a reasoned statement or argument.” Apologetics is the branch of theology concerned with defending Christianity, and we get this English word from apologia.

Not just knowing why you believe, but defending those beliefs humbly

People loosely quote 1 Peter 3:15 saying something like, “As a Christian you’ve got to ‘be able to give a defense of your faith.’” But they often leave off the last few words: “with gentleness and respect.” Peter first commands us to be ready to explain our beliefs, but he also tells us how we should do that—with gentleness and respect.

These words are important, because they prevent Christians from looking arrogant, condescending, or hostile. When that happens, even though Christians are trying to defend their faith they actually make Christ look bad.

The way to avoid this is found at the end of the previous verse: “Have no fear of them, nor be troubled” (1 Peter 3:14b). We don’t need to fear those we’re speaking to, but we do need to fear God. This fear motivates us to be humble when defending the faith. We’re “afraid” of making God look bad, so we deal with people gently and lovingly. The same truth is committed elsewhere in the new Testament:

2 Timothy 2:25—Correct opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth.
Colossians 4:6—Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

Both verses highlight the need to use “gentleness” and “grace.”

If you don’t know why you believe what you believe, don’t be dogmatic

Here are two things that make us look foolish:

Thinking we’re right and others are wrong, but not knowing why
Having strong convictions, but not being able to defend those convictions

We’ve probably all had discussions (or arguments) with people who were opinionated, passionate, and possibly angry, but when pressed they didn’t know why they were so convinced they were absolutely, beyond-the-shadow-of-a-doubt correct and anyone who disagreed with them was wrong. And we have also probably been this person! If they (or we!) are honest they (or we) would have to say:

“This is what my parents told me.”
“I want to believe this.”
“This is what I’ve always heard.”

All these statements are code for: “This is what I think without investing time determining if it’s true.”

If we don’t know why we believe what we believe, we shouldn’t argue for it. If we were being honest we’d have to say, “I’m right and you’re wrong, but I don’t know why!”

Learn why you believe what you believe…because it might cause you to change your mind

If we want to know why we believe what we believe we should:

Study God’s Word
Pray for wisdom and spiritual illumination
Seek counsel from godly individuals the Lord has placed in our lives
Have an honest desire to learn the truth

One of the benefits of doing this is one of two things will happen:

We’ll become more convinced that what we believe is true
We’ll learn that what we believe isn not true

Both outcomes are good! And both have occurred in my life:

The first has taken place and given me greater confidence in essentials, such as the Gospel.
The second has also occurred enough times that I’m less inclined to be completely rigid in some other areas.

Discuss: 

Have you been guilty of holding beliefs that you couldn’t defend?
Have you held some beliefs, but changed them after studying them more closely?

The post Do you know why you believe what you believe? appeared first on Scott LaPierre.

The Art of Apologizing Well

Katie asked me six questions about apologizing. Here’s the outline for the video:

0–4:17—Have you always been good at apologizing?
4:17–6:54—What are wrong ways to apologize?
6:54–13:00—What are right ways to apologize?
13:00–19:35—What is your favorite story about apologizing?
19:35–24:04—Should we apologize to our kids?
24:04–27:39—How can apologizing or lack of apologizing affect marriages?

1. Have you always been good at apologizing? Elaborate on your “history” with apologizing and how you grew in it.

When I saw this question, my first thought was, “If I’ve learned too apologize well, it’s from making so many mistakes.”

As a pastor you’re going to learn to become comfortable apologizing, because it’s a necessity to have a healthy church body. I’d go so far as saying don’t become a pastor if you’re not comfortable apologizing. You’re going to have to apologize for your own actions and the actions of others. Nothing looks worse than shifting blame, even if the blame belongs elsewhere.

As far as when I learned to apologize, I’d have to give credit to LTC Richard Brewer, my commander in Army ROTC. He didn’t teach me to apologize. He forced me to apologize. I couldn’t make excuses or shift blame.

2. What are wrong ways to apologize?

When we should apologize our sinful nature wants to flare up, get angry, make excuses or blame others. Some people – whether intentionally or unintentionally – act like they’re apologizing, but their “apologies” are simply excuses disguised as apologies.

Two words destroy apologies:

The most obvious is “but”:

I’m sorry, BUT if they hadn’t done that…
I am sorry, BUT this happened…
Oh, I’m sorry, BUT I never would’ve done this if not for…


Less obvious is the word “you”:

I’m sorry YOU did this…
Well, I’m sorry YOU are mad…
I’m sorry YOU are offended…

The word “you” allows people to subtly shift the blame to the other person. It’s a manipulative way to make the other person feel bad about being hurt or upset.

3. What are right ways to apologize?

We don’t want to let sin and pride have victories in our relationships. We need to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness. There are primarily two steps:

Begin by saying, “I’m sorry I…” or “I’m sorry for…” followed by the offense.
Then you have to say, “Will you please forgive me?”

The second step does two things:

Shows you recognize you’ve done something that requires forgiveness. Demonstrates you’re not minimizing your actions.
Engages the other person; requires a response.

As a note, if you say, “Yes, I forgive you” you’re obligated to do that! You have to do your best to forget about the offense, not hold it against the person, refuse to bring it up, etc.

4. What is your favorite story about apologizing?

Please watch the video itself for the two stories I shared:

13:00–16:15—A man spent lots of tax payers’ money building sidewalks that didn’t the traffic situation. He would’ve been destroyed by reporters in a press conference, but he humbly acknowledged his fault and asked for forgiveness.
16:15–19:35—When I taught elementary school my students lost lots of books. The librarian was (understandably) upset with me. I apologized and asked for her forgiveness and our relationship was restored.

5. Should we apologize to our kids?

A good rule for parenting is we should do whatever we want our kids to do. There are exceptions. For example our kids were in bed when we filmed the video, but we don’t have to go to bed at 8PM. For the most part though, we need to model what we want to see from our children. If we want our children to apologize and ask for forgiveness, we need to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Generally children who accept responsibility for their actions have parents who accept responsibility for their actions. Children who make excuses often have parents who make excuses.

6. How can apologizing or lack of apologizing affect marriages?

Apologizing well can diffuse aggression. An insincere apology that shifts blame or makes excuses increases frustration and hurt.

Hebrews 12:14-15 Pursue peace with all people…looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.

Some couples who have been married for a long time have become more like roommates than people in love. Often this is because they have built up years of bitterness between each other. They have hurts toward each other piled on top of other hurts. Often this is because they let pride and stubbornness prevent them from taking responsibility for their actions. Their marriages have suffered terribly as a result.

A few other things:

Here’s all the info you need for the upcoming Christian Heritage Marriage Retreat
Be sure to check out this other video: “How should I respond when my husband mocks my Christian beliefs?”
Here’s the Facebook Live video with all the comments and discussion…

The post The Art of Apologizing Well appeared first on Scott LaPierre.

Don’t be discouraged when confused by Scripture!

Every Christian has been confused by Scripture at times. Here’s part of a message I received from someone after a study I taught:

Last week, I took the entire chapter [from the study], copied it to Word, and then made spaces for notes. I thought I was prepared. But I wasn’t as prepared as I was hoping. I will just keep working on it.

I can tell the person was discouraged, and this is something I’ve encountered regularly. Here are two passages that should discourage us from being discouraged:

“Our beloved brother Paul, according to the wisdom given to him, has written to you, as also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand“(2 Peter 3:15-16). The Apostle Peter himself read Paul’s letters and found them difficult to understand at times.
“Of this salvation the prophets have inquired and searched carefully, who prophesied of the grace that would come to you, searching what, or what manner of time, the Spirit of Christ who was in them was indicating” (1 Peter 1:10-11). The prophets were given the very words of God. Even they had to “inquire” and “search carefully” to understand the revelation in each other’s writings.

Why does God allow certain parts of Scripture to be confusing?

God’s Word offers wisdom that can’t be found anywhere else. This makes it unbelievably valuable and reveals why it is is compared with precious jewels:

[Wisdom’s] proceeds are far better than the profits of silver, and her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies (Proverbs 3:14-15).
How much better to get wisdom than gold (Proverbs 16:16a).
Wisdom is better than rubies, [its] fruit is better than gold, yes, than fine gold (Proverbs 8:11a, 19a).

You have to diligently search for precious jewels. Since wisdom is more valuable than them, how much more diligently should we study the truths in Scripture?

Proverbs 2:4 Seek [wisdom] as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures.

There has to be an investment made in obtaining wisdom. This is why we should experience joy after obtaining it:

Proverbs 3:13a Happy is the man who finds wisdom.

A helpful illustration when confused by Scripture

Someone shared this with me some years back:

The Bible is like the ocean, offering a number of ways for us to interact with it. We can:

Look at it and admire it from a distance
Get close to it, even walking out and getting our toes wet
Dive in and swim with the waves
Swim down and look at all the beauty that’s below the surface

But the greatest blessing is for people who dive to the bottom. They look at all that’s offered and take some of the treasure with them.

This illustration:

Impacted the way I read God’s Word. I always look to take some treasures with me.
Influenced the way I preach. I hope to give others treasures to take with them.

I am constantly amazed by the truth and application that can be mined from God’s Word. Many weeks in my sermon preparation I approach passages that I’m familiar with. I wonder what I’m going to share with people that they haven’t already heard. As I study, I find treasures I’ve never seen before.

An encouraging example when confused by Scripture

Daniel the prophet was a student of God’s Word:

Daniel 9:2 I, Daniel, understood from the Scriptures, according to the word of the LORD given to Jeremiah the prophet, that the desolation of Jerusalem would last seventy years (Daniel 9:2).

Nebuchadnezzar asked Daniel to interpret his dream. Daniel said:

“God gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding. He reveals deep and secret things” (Daniel 2:21-22).

This was true in Daniel’s day, and it’s still true today. As a result, if we’ll faithfully spend time in God’s Word, and diligently look for the treasures it contains, God will give us wisdom and knowledge. He will reveal “deep and secret things.”

While it can be discouraging at times when we’re confused by Scripture, God wants us to be diligent in learning His Word. Rather than give up, He wants us to seek, search, and dig into the Scriptures. When we find some of the precious treasures God has for us we can rejoice, because we’ve found something more precious than gold.

Discuss in comments section:

I was recently asked to share my best tips for studying God’s Word. Do you have any tips you’d like to share?
When you’re confused by Scripture, how do you avoid being discouraged?

The post Don’t be discouraged when confused by Scripture! appeared first on Scott LaPierre.

Hope Initiative Ministries receives Marriage God’s Way

My desire for Marriage God’s Way has been two-fold from the beginning—strengthen marriages and exalt Christ. I’ve seen this prayer answered in different ways. One of the most recent took place on November 9, 2016. I received the following message from Efumbi Vicent, the program director of Hope Initiative Ministries:

We are so much in love with your marriage teachings. In the near future this could turn into big workshops here as we keep sharing and working together on fully establishing our ministry in Kampala. The need for knowledge of Christian marriages is high. We can end up asking for a big number which may not be managed at the moment.

I shared this message with the elders at Woodland Christian Church. They decided to send two boxes (80 books total) to Hope Initiative Ministries. The books were given out as an outreach in HIM’s main centers at Bugiri and Kampala (in eastern Uganda).

I understand the question people will have, so let me answer it now. The books were given to Hope Initiative Ministries (HIM) for free. Woodland Christian mailed them, and I did not receive any money.

Hope Initiative Ministries plan for Marriage God’s Way

Here’s what they shared with me:

After the launch on December 17th, they formulated sixteen groups of five.
Groups will meet to discuss the book with close monitoring for three months: January through March, and then April through June.
Each group is assigned an educated leader. Although everyone can read English, they still benefit from a leader’s guidance.
At the end of the three months they will organize a workshop lasting two days.
Finally, each participant is rewarded with a certificate representing their church and Hope Initiative Ministries.

They also have a plan for accountability. Those who receive books sign something like a contract demonstrating their commitment. After the study Hope Initiative Ministries will collect responses from participants to discuss the impact. People will share their marriage experiences and questions, and learn how best to use the learned skills to strengthen their marriage and the marriages of those around them.

Efumbi passed along the following encouraging sentiment to me:

“At the book launch I was so impressed by the way the marrieds embraced this outreach! I have seen many other couples register to be part in the future. This is the very first marriage outreach in this community! God is so good who made us connect for His own glory.”

How can you support Hope Initiative Ministries?

Efumbi told me, “If we can distribute these materials twice per year, it will be a great blessing. We’d like to give out the books in January and June.”

Hope Initiative Ministries is going to need more books in the future. If you’re interested in helping sending them copies, please let me know!

Here’s the Hope Initiative Ministries Facebook page
Here’s the Hope Initiative Ministries website

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“How to respond when husband mocks Christian beliefs?”

Outline for video:

0–6:43—Scott’s question
6:44­–8:11—Katie’s thoughts on Scott’s question
8:12–12:54—Katie’s question
12:55–17:37—Scott and Katie’s thoughts back-and-forth on Katie’s question
17:38–19:17—Katie shares from Marriage God’s Way
19:18–24:56—Discussion of Christian Heritage Marriage Retreat

Scott’s question: “How should I respond when husband mocks my Christian beliefs?”

How should I respond when my husband mocks my Christian beliefs? My husband claims to be a Christian, but he randomly says the church is really his wife’s church and it’s ridiculous to believe in creation over evolution. Occasionally he does this in front of the kids too.

There’s a chance your husband might be saved, but it’s hard to reconcile your description with the behavior of a Christian. People can be saved and believe in evolution, but they wouldn’t Christianity. That sort of hostility toward the Gospel seems incompatible with regeneration.

Here are the two encouragements:

Pray for his salvation. It might be tempting to pray that he embraces creationism or stops mocking your beliefs, but these issues are symptoms and not the problem itself. If he becomes a Christian, hopefully these issues will improve or resolve themselves.
Strive for peace. When he mocks Christianity in front of the kids it will be tough not to argue with him. I would encourage you to do your best not to become hostile in return. Consider the following…

1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.

Verses such as Romans 12:18 command us to pursue peace with other believers, but in the above verse Paul specifically has marriage in mind. He says peace is so important a believer spouse shouldn’t engage in conflict over an unbelieving spouse’s departure. The two reasons for this are:

People aren’t won over through conflict. That often only causes the flesh to flare up.
Christians have a testimony to maintain, and this is especially important before your children.

You’re legitimately concerned about what your children are observing from your husband. When they see you respond lovingly toward your husband when he’s acting unkindly, that will make a big statement to them. They need to see your respect for your husband, not your anger. This is the best way for them to see Christ through you.

The alternative is your kids see you argue with your husband, which will be a poor witness to them. As it stands now, you’re the only parent influencing your children for Christ. You have to put forth extra effort as a result. Your children will look back on the way you treated your husband and know the Gospel worked through you.

Katie’s question: “What should I teach kids when husband and I disagree?”

In a situation where the husband and wife don’t agree on theological things (probably non essentials) with the wife doing most of the teaching of the children, which should she teach them? And how should EITHER husband or wife respond to the kids noticing or questioning the inconsistencies? Like if I’m talking to my kids about something theological and they say “but daddy said…” or daddy is talking them and gets ‘but mommy said…”

Scott and I have this situation!

“Leave this church?” and “Hubby likes kids more than me!”

Outline for the video:

0-0:49 Intro and explanation of some of our adorable kids joining us
0:49-9:18 Question for Scott: “Should we leave this church?”
9:19-14:13 Question for Katie: “How can I get my husband to pay more attention to me than our kids?”
14:14-15:35 A few thoughts from Scott on the question given to Katie
15:36-16:06 Marriage God’s Way book giveaway
16:07-19:27 Update on Marriage God’s Way Workbook and closing

Question for Scott: “Should we leave this church?”

I wanted to ask about leaving our church because of their misunderstanding of some doctrines. I don’t think I’ve handled the situation well. We’ve been checking out other churches, so instead of being a voice of reason the awkwardness has us not going there at all. My desire has been to continue going there, but my wife does not enjoy it. Though the people are sincere, the church is dead and there is a heavy spiritual attack going on. Another reason my wife doesn’t want to attend is my former fiancé from three years ago is there. The girl and I have no interest in each other, but it’s still hard for my wife to see her.

Every church we visit there is a lack of sobriety, or the they seem to be off base somewhere important. Perhaps they allow female teachers or there’s a “pop Christianity.” I’ve suffered way too much to attend a ho-hum church. I want seriousness, Scripture, and the life of Christ.

I met with the pastor a few times to reconcile our differences. He’s a very intellectual person and familiar with Scripture. But he’s come to a different interpretation of almost everything I believe God has taught me. I don’t see the pastor changing his mind, and I don’t know if I should bring up to the rest of the church the things I think are wrong.

What should I do?

My response…

I appreciate your sensitivity to your wife. I’m glad you’re not discounting her thoughts, because I believe God wants to use our wives to speak to us as husbands. With that said, you’re still the head of your marriage and you need to do what’s best for your family.

Good and bad reasons to “leave this church”

You seem to want to leave because they’re neglecting to address sin, which is a good reason. Your wife says the church is dead. I’m not sure what she means, so I can’t say whether that’s a good or bad reason to leave:

If she means not much is happening, that’s not a good reason to leave. Maybe God would use your family to “bring life” to the church.
If she means spiritually dead – like Revelation 3:1 discusses – because they’re not preaching the Gospel, that’s a good reason to leave. The Gospel is a deal breaker.

Regarding your ex-fiancé, I think that’s a good reason to leave. You need to treat your wife as the weaker vessel as 1 Peter 3:7 commands. That means being sensitive to your wife’s feelings, and that means not putting her in a situation such as this. Additionally, although you said your fiancé doesn’t have feelings for you, you can’t be completely sure so your presence could be a stumbling block to her too.

Talk to your pastor, but not the congregation

When you leave this church you should let the pastor know, and explain the situation. You owe it to him to be honest. As a pastor, that’s what I would want.

But unless you’re asked, you shouldn’t share with the rest of the church why you’re leaving. Sometimes there’s a fine line between being the cause for righteousness and being divisive.

Resources for finding churches

Since I don’t know what’s important to you, I can’t recommend a certain church. But there are some good websites to help you search:

Family integration is important to us, so we’d check NCFIC (National Center for Family Integrated Churches)
Acts 29 network
The Gospel Coalition

Question for Katie: “How can I get my husband to pay more attention to me than our kids?”

I am jealous of my husband’s affection for our kids. How can I be more enjoyable and gain his affection? Also, any tips for turning off my jealousy?

I can relate to this! My husband loves our kids more than any Daddy I know. This is definitely something to be thankful for! Many fathers want to get away from their kids. I think this is because some mamas do such a poor job training their children. Daddy wants to stay away because they’ve become spoiled brats.

So here’s what I would recommend…

First, praise God your husband loves your children so much. And praise your husband for showing them affection. Thank him for not being like other fathers who don’t show their kids any attention.

Second, as wives we need to be attractive. Sometimes our children are flat out more enjoyable than us. Here are two things that I think make my children so attractive to my husband, and perhaps it’s the same with yours:

My children aren’t stressed out. No husband wants to spend hours with a wife who is grumpy. Throughout the day practice giving your burdens to the Lord so that when your husband gets home it’s not thrown in his face.
My children aren’t controlling. They don’t tell Daddy what he should and shouldn’t do. I struggle with that. Let the Holy Spirit be in charge of him.

I am preaching to myself by the way with all this advice :).

Here’s the video if you’d like to see (and/or participate in) the discussion on Facebook:

Discuss

How would you answer these questions? What thoughts or advice would you like pass along?

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