Nicola An's Blog
January 9, 2020
Illuminated New Decade
Another decade has commenced, may we live in ILLUMINATION INSTEAD OF ILLUSION, that we get rid of this grotesque mask that overshadows our authentic self and choose to shape a renewed reality by becoming real. May we learn to be honest with what we want and what we don't want anymore, have the courage to follow what our heart longs for and drop everything else that does not make us feel comfortable, appreciate what we already have and work for what we aspire with a clean conscience, and may we dare to acknowledge our insecurities and make them a huge part of how beautiful we are as imperfect humans. May we all see that the true light we are looking for in the dark, the LOVE we deserve is in our keen and full acceptance of who we really are inside and outside.
YOU ARE THE LIGHT YOU SEEK, WAKE UP. -Infinitely,
Nicola An
YOU ARE THE LIGHT YOU SEEK, WAKE UP. -Infinitely,
Nicola An
December 29, 2019
Year-end Dreams
Might be another long post:
Dreams are the most vivid everytime the year ends and I even get a sleep paralysis, I don't know if it's just me because I believe that we all get a fair share of psychological and physical fatigue and for me, the effects are these outlandish sleep adventures.
Last night I dreamt of a meteor shower and every second I saw a meteor, it exploded in the sky as a firework, imagine a meteor shower and pyrotechnic show! Phantasmagoric,spectacular, auspicious? Maybe, just maybe because the scene was too extravagant. I am thinking that it's a reflection of my desires being all over the place, they're all scattered in my head. Lol. Everything is beautiful, lots and lots of them that they're exploding anywhere in my imagination and yes these past months have been silently explosive, it's okay to be both happy and lonely, confident and ashamed, healthy and sick, inspired and daunted.
The ups and downs are equally conducive to becoming appreciative of every now, every present, every day has been a day of healing because while life puts so much pressure, I always choose to decompress. One of the worst things you could ever do to yourself is to join those that encumber your path. Time flies and I am well aware of expectations, but then I am not comfortable with "having plans", I don't have plans and goals,I HAVE VISIONS and instead of focusing too much on schedules like how plans are being executed, I'd rather let go and surrender. I'd rather anticipate than expect so there'll be no regrets.
My mind is so full and I sometimes end up feeling so frustrated, it's always about tests and challenges and the reality of being awake is mostly you get lost in multiple realities like you are in one place and somewhere else even though in times when you think you're stuck, it has been a dilemma to decide. Now I am not sure where I'm going with this "gibberish", it's just that I hope you don't feel the burden of having the need to have a major change for the New Year, I hope that you'll remain hopeful that life is happening even when you feel like there's nothing going on for you. Even if hoping can be exhausting, don't get tired of dreaming!
-Nicola An
Dreams are the most vivid everytime the year ends and I even get a sleep paralysis, I don't know if it's just me because I believe that we all get a fair share of psychological and physical fatigue and for me, the effects are these outlandish sleep adventures.
Last night I dreamt of a meteor shower and every second I saw a meteor, it exploded in the sky as a firework, imagine a meteor shower and pyrotechnic show! Phantasmagoric,spectacular, auspicious? Maybe, just maybe because the scene was too extravagant. I am thinking that it's a reflection of my desires being all over the place, they're all scattered in my head. Lol. Everything is beautiful, lots and lots of them that they're exploding anywhere in my imagination and yes these past months have been silently explosive, it's okay to be both happy and lonely, confident and ashamed, healthy and sick, inspired and daunted.
The ups and downs are equally conducive to becoming appreciative of every now, every present, every day has been a day of healing because while life puts so much pressure, I always choose to decompress. One of the worst things you could ever do to yourself is to join those that encumber your path. Time flies and I am well aware of expectations, but then I am not comfortable with "having plans", I don't have plans and goals,I HAVE VISIONS and instead of focusing too much on schedules like how plans are being executed, I'd rather let go and surrender. I'd rather anticipate than expect so there'll be no regrets.
My mind is so full and I sometimes end up feeling so frustrated, it's always about tests and challenges and the reality of being awake is mostly you get lost in multiple realities like you are in one place and somewhere else even though in times when you think you're stuck, it has been a dilemma to decide. Now I am not sure where I'm going with this "gibberish", it's just that I hope you don't feel the burden of having the need to have a major change for the New Year, I hope that you'll remain hopeful that life is happening even when you feel like there's nothing going on for you. Even if hoping can be exhausting, don't get tired of dreaming!
-Nicola An
July 25, 2019
Life Lesson from Books Part 1
"How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment"
-Eckhart Tolle
Life Lesson:
This is the most satisfying passage I’d come to read recently just in time when I had to hold so much patience just to simmer down since being angry was both inevitable and corrigible, but this always applies to every challenge and every self-defining moment, when you have to let go of what does not serve you right anymore, when you have to appreciate your flaws even though they constantly smudge your self-esteem, when you have to acknowledge the things you cannot change; and most of all, when you have to surrender everything to the Source because faith is all that you have to make everything work at the given Divine time. Instead of complaining or pretending you are perfectly doing fine, embrace this now with an open mind and brave heart, to accept that sometimes there is unhappiness and sometimes life is asking you to learn from the joy of small things and to be grateful for what you still have because that is exactly where you are needed. This is just a single step in this infinite path, you won’t stay there any longer because life is an everlasting flow.
07/24/‘19 Nicola An
-Eckhart Tolle
Life Lesson:
This is the most satisfying passage I’d come to read recently just in time when I had to hold so much patience just to simmer down since being angry was both inevitable and corrigible, but this always applies to every challenge and every self-defining moment, when you have to let go of what does not serve you right anymore, when you have to appreciate your flaws even though they constantly smudge your self-esteem, when you have to acknowledge the things you cannot change; and most of all, when you have to surrender everything to the Source because faith is all that you have to make everything work at the given Divine time. Instead of complaining or pretending you are perfectly doing fine, embrace this now with an open mind and brave heart, to accept that sometimes there is unhappiness and sometimes life is asking you to learn from the joy of small things and to be grateful for what you still have because that is exactly where you are needed. This is just a single step in this infinite path, you won’t stay there any longer because life is an everlasting flow.
07/24/‘19 Nicola An
May 30, 2019
"Cleaving"
Looking at old photographs, I feel entirely estranged from a familiar time. It’s like I was always borrowed by something against my will. Bleak skies and suffocating pitch-black walls I can picture out making me cringe. As I see myself now, a fresh painting with warm colors that every loving smile I wear can emulate the sight of the sun peeking at dawn, all those old photographs are such a distant,forgotten dream. Although I may ask again if we really do forget because after all,we’re made to live through our memories but just because we’re haunted doesn’t mean we should be scared.
Becoming isn’t about putting on a new self but rather, unveiling your true self. As far as being spiritually grown, I am well aware of what I was and what I still am. Sure, I have forgiven the ways I had punished myself and understood the wounds that had to teach me my biggest lessons, nights and mornings have gotten along well with me, still and serene in between and that I have learned to dance despite the unpleasant music I sometimes have to face, there come those moments when I feel awfully alone, I sit down with the same emotions calling me out as though the little devil that used to feed me lies is creeping up again, and yet for what must be a poking miracle, I can easily brush off that unwanted presence and see the brighter reality in a single blink. I know that I can be the old me and at the same time, different form that person.
You, recognizing the slave and the master in yourself can be achieved when you allow this awakening to take over all that you’ve ever been. There will always be an aching in you, hunger and loss will still greet you venomously that you may feel your past resurfacing-- this total relapse gobbling you bit by bit.
See? Like always, you fall and break but the good news is you don’t pick up those broken pieces anymore to collect and keep them but to immediately throw them away. You are both inside and outside of yourself, the one who breaks and the true Self that watches and patches up everything for you.
Remember this whenever you feel alone.
-Nicola An
Becoming isn’t about putting on a new self but rather, unveiling your true self. As far as being spiritually grown, I am well aware of what I was and what I still am. Sure, I have forgiven the ways I had punished myself and understood the wounds that had to teach me my biggest lessons, nights and mornings have gotten along well with me, still and serene in between and that I have learned to dance despite the unpleasant music I sometimes have to face, there come those moments when I feel awfully alone, I sit down with the same emotions calling me out as though the little devil that used to feed me lies is creeping up again, and yet for what must be a poking miracle, I can easily brush off that unwanted presence and see the brighter reality in a single blink. I know that I can be the old me and at the same time, different form that person.
You, recognizing the slave and the master in yourself can be achieved when you allow this awakening to take over all that you’ve ever been. There will always be an aching in you, hunger and loss will still greet you venomously that you may feel your past resurfacing-- this total relapse gobbling you bit by bit.
See? Like always, you fall and break but the good news is you don’t pick up those broken pieces anymore to collect and keep them but to immediately throw them away. You are both inside and outside of yourself, the one who breaks and the true Self that watches and patches up everything for you.
Remember this whenever you feel alone.
-Nicola An
May 8, 2019
Brief Reminder Whenever it's Hard To Fall In Love with Your Body
It takes shedding your skin to be comfortable in your own skin, to see yourself as a living spirit, to acknowledge your whole, the Soul that is, and not just this facade that others may see as insignificant, unsightly and weak. It takes detaching from yourself to be with your true Self, one that is both ethereal and eternal
-Nicola An
-Nicola An
January 31, 2018
Twin Flames Poem Inspired by Super Blue Blood Moon
"Finally, the world has
found its long lost
companion,
the possibility of
having kissed again
the Love that
wandered away
for more than
a hundred years
--this, like my old Soul
that had been running
back and forth
perhaps a lot
longer and
to be settling down
now, acknowledging
your illumination
I have not lost at all"
-Nicola An, Super Blue Blood Moon poem
found its long lost
companion,
the possibility of
having kissed again
the Love that
wandered away
for more than
a hundred years
--this, like my old Soul
that had been running
back and forth
perhaps a lot
longer and
to be settling down
now, acknowledging
your illumination
I have not lost at all"
-Nicola An, Super Blue Blood Moon poem
January 17, 2018
Aloneness
Getting on with life through moments and chances, seeing and feeling what is necessary and what is provided, gladly taking in everything that is already there and yet glimpsing at an occasional episode of a disquieting thought like a shrill of warning piercing you inside. By and by, some things make an abrupt landing on your shoulders, one is when you surrender to the realization that what if what you have been greatly mastering leads you to failing, your comfort collapsing?
Such is the case for someone who has continuously earned the solitary days. Along the journey of finding bliss in solitude, getting so used to both inner and outer self while allowing the HEART to beat and the SOUL to search, I am bound to fear the confidence of aloneness, that this being all composed and distant where I stand still appreciating the gloom, I might miss what's waiting for me behind the fog; which part of the world I must tend and nurture because as long as the skies whisper, there is somewhere that asks me to listen.
Life is always so clever teaching that what you highly gain turns out to instigate your pitfall. Maybe I have been too much at healing myself, I have forgotten that to love myself more is to manifest that love where it also belongs
-Nicola An
Such is the case for someone who has continuously earned the solitary days. Along the journey of finding bliss in solitude, getting so used to both inner and outer self while allowing the HEART to beat and the SOUL to search, I am bound to fear the confidence of aloneness, that this being all composed and distant where I stand still appreciating the gloom, I might miss what's waiting for me behind the fog; which part of the world I must tend and nurture because as long as the skies whisper, there is somewhere that asks me to listen.
Life is always so clever teaching that what you highly gain turns out to instigate your pitfall. Maybe I have been too much at healing myself, I have forgotten that to love myself more is to manifest that love where it also belongs
-Nicola An
November 20, 2017
Seasons
"The whole world is not entirely weeping, you shouldn't be despondently groveling,
this is just a season passing by;
The mere sadness --this is just the withering of the leaves, not the death of the trees,
You are supposed to grow tall
you are still about to be plentiful" -Yours infinitely,
Nicola An
this is just a season passing by;
The mere sadness --this is just the withering of the leaves, not the death of the trees,
You are supposed to grow tall
you are still about to be plentiful" -Yours infinitely,
Nicola An
October 30, 2017
Embracing Where Your Feet Touch
I know that sometimes-or perhaps right now-the thought of somewhere on the other side you call "a better place" gives you the sole comfort, as though running away is always the answer. You look at the yonder horizon and wish for someplace else where no one knows you and everyone has sweeter words that are always music to your ears, where things hurt less and everything won't be out of hand and against you,where you can stroll around or even run blithely without having to feel like you are a scene unwanted,where people have eyes to see your soul and not to look at how incorrigible the flaws you wear,and most of all where breathing and following your heart will be equally easy. Sure, there is a dream of an idyllic life, we always ask for the better, you hate it here because you don't belong here so there must be a right place where you should be. You feel like a captive now in your own present life because you are still here and freedom seems to be so far away- these are all because you just want to escape.Do not cheat on your fate. Do you know why you are here?
Because everything is already here, you are here because you belong here. Where you are is where you belong and where you are called to serve the world, even the aged tree knows it stays where it was planted because for decades it remains as the nearest tree where people run to whenever it rains.
It's the process of life not only for yourself but for others as well.
Wanting to be away from here to be "there" is the torture, you are half present and half absent. No one can walk properly with feet apart.
-Infinitely, Nicola An
original post: https://www.instagram.com/p/BEllSg9oQ...
Because everything is already here, you are here because you belong here. Where you are is where you belong and where you are called to serve the world, even the aged tree knows it stays where it was planted because for decades it remains as the nearest tree where people run to whenever it rains.
It's the process of life not only for yourself but for others as well.
Wanting to be away from here to be "there" is the torture, you are half present and half absent. No one can walk properly with feet apart.
-Infinitely, Nicola An
original post: https://www.instagram.com/p/BEllSg9oQ...
August 22, 2017
23rd Year
Here's to 2 3 years of borrowing this lifetime-this exhilarating and whimsical school of life. 2 3 years of being lost only to be found. 2 3 years of dreaming illusions before waking up to truth cannot be revoked. 2 3 years of giving and to be given more than what is expected. 2 3 years of being too much of myself and to finally let go and surrender to emptiness grandly liberating. 2 3 years of holding back and now allowing what is necessary to be there. 2 3 years of constantly feeling different yet always easily creating home. 2 3 and many years of loving unconditionally. My dear Universe, earth is beautiful, I am deeply honored, bless all the souls with me here. Happy 23rd birthday to this human I am grateful to take care of very well. My Soul loves me so much, I am infinite!
Only Love only Light
-Nicola An
Only Love only Light
-Nicola An
