Exponent II's Blog, page 5

Confronting the Abusive LDS Doctrine of Eternal Polygamy

During the past few months, the LDS Church has worked to make polygamy more palatable to children and adults. First, it created a series of children’s picture slides that made sexual grooming and abuse appear acceptable:

 

After much online criticism, the disturbing pictures suddenly disappeared.

Then, the Church released the controversial John Taylor revelation in which Taylor declares that God said: “My everlasting covenants [of polygamy] cannot be abrogated nor done away with.” All who wish to enter into God’s highest glory “must and shall obey my law.”

Today Mormon polygamist groups use this revelation as one of main reasons they practice the “principle.”

Then, Dallin Oaks told Belgium members that there are “Mothers” in Heaven, which infers that Heavenly Father has many wives birthing trillions of spirit children.

The new temple endowment ceremony mentions the “new and everlasting covenant,” a clear reference to D&C Section 132, which tells women they will be destroyed if they don’t practice polygamy.

The top two leaders of the LDS Church are sealed to two women whom they assume will be their wives for eternity in the hereafter. Oaks even referred to polygamy in a conference address, when he said:

“A letter I received some time ago introduces the subject of my talk. The writer was contemplating a temple marriage to a man whose eternal companion had died. She would be a second wife. She asked this question: Would she be able to have her own house in the next life, or would she have to live with her husband and his first wife? [Laughter from the audience.] I just told her to trust the Lord. [More laughter.]

Fourteen of my direct ancestors practiced polygamy, and I have read the awful accounts of the women, who were left to fend for themselves and whose children seldom saw their fathers. All were coerced to practice polygamy by LDS leaders, who told them it was the only way to achieve eternal salvation. This practice included the sexual trafficking of vulnerable young female converts who came to Nauvoo and Utah from other countries, unaware that some would be snatched up as the property of powerful old men.

My mother was terrified of dying. As a second wife sealed to her husband, she told me she would rather be eternally single than live in a second-wife status. I am conflicted about how this will work out in the hereafter, since I love both of my parents dearly. Although my dad said his first marriage was awful and that he hope his spouse finds another husband, part of me is scared that I won’t be part of a forever family in eternity. Thank you, LDS Church, for this awful doctrine!

I will save for a later post the link between polygamy, the dehumanization of women, sex abuse, and domestic violence in the LDS culture, but research shows there is a statistical correlation in high-demand religions.

My faith crisis began with researching Joseph Smith on FamilySearch and seeing the 30 women they he “married” during his life. I already knew about Joseph’s polygamy, but I suddenly felt the suffering of these women and was  overwhelmed with feelings of grief, sorrow, and anger. I realized that these women, some of whom were little girls or already married, were victims of sexual abuse.

Hundreds more women were sealed to Joseph posthumously, including my great-grandmother. That sealing was ratified in 1966 by President Howard W. Hunter. So, technically, Joseph is my great-grandfather.

I have a few questions to ask Joseph:

Why did you practice polygamy?

How did it work out for the women in polygamous “marriages”?

 Why did you repeatedly lie to Emma?

Why did you choose to marry so many women if you loved Emma?

What are your views about polygamy now?

To all the polygamy deniers out there, I say,”I hear you. I don’t want to believe it, either, but facts show otherwise.”

To all those who say it will work out in the afterlife, I say, “I prefer to be married to one man only. I can’t see that strong feeling ever changing for me and many women I know?

The LDS church must eventually grapple with these issues:

About an equal number of men and women have been born. Where are all the polygamous wives coming from in heaven? Does this leave many men eternally single?
How do exalted Goddesses of flesh and bone produce spirits who do not have bodies?
Why would a loving God require people to enter into marriages that by their very nature create jealousy, loneliness, and even abuse?

The LDS Church must also confront current societal contempt for men like Warren Jeffs who groomed  and married multiple women, some of them very young.  The Church must decide if polygamy is good?  true? loving? equitable? kind?

For those still questioning whether or not polygamy is a fulfilling relationship for women, I would recommend former polygamists’ books, Carolyn Jessop’s, “”Escape: A Memoir,” and Elissa Wall’s, “Stolen Innocence,” and Ann Eliza Young’s, “Wife No. 19: Or he Story of a Life in Bondage.” Carol Lynn Pearson’s book, “The Ghost of  Eternal Polygamy” is a must read for anyone wants to better understand the subject. There are many, many books that document the abuses inherent in polygamy. Also, take a careful look at the difficult, dehumanized lives of women and chldren in Biblical poligamy, including Hagar, Leah, Bathsheba, and others.

The fruits of polygamy are bitter indeed.

I don’t know about you, but if polygamy is required in the highest part of the celestial kingdom, I would rather be somewhere else.

To Hold a Temple Recommend or Not: That is the Question

By Anonymous

This summer I went to the temple at the invitation of my visiting parents-in-law.

My husband and I haven’t gone frequently in recent years. The last time I went was about ten months ago I went to support a friend who was going to try to decide whether to continue to pay tithing and to renew her temple recommend. This time I came to the temple facing the same kind of dilemma myself.

Over the past few years, my once good feelings about paying tithing and attending recommend interviews have gradually run dry. Now, my body tenses and shudders when I think of continuing to do these things indefinitely. What caused this? My children have had negative experiences at Church. They aren’t queer, though current policies regarding queer folks have certainly contributed to the repellent vibes. They just don’t feel loved there or like it’s a place they can belong. Church is not functioning well as a place to explore spiritual things. They understandably don’t like being told exactly what to believe or do. I can see how decisions made in recent years by GAs have contributed to their disappointing experience.

The whole experience of trying to raise them to be Latter-day Saints has left me feeling unheard, unimportant and betrayed as a “mother in Zion.” I was always told my role was so important, but I am treated like someone whose wisdom and insight is consistently off, and who actually doesn’t matter much at all. Local leaders haven’t listened to my input (and have sometimes chastened me for it), and the institution in general acts as if it is not responsible to reciprocate my decades of devotion.

I no longer feel good about putting personal trust in Church leaders or giving them money. I disapprove of the ways tithing is being stored, invested, and used. The resources are not coming back to help people around me or causes I care about nearly enough for me to feel committed to paying it at this point. While I still believe in the restoration of the priesthood, it seems to me this priesthood has long been exercised unrighteously, and the Church consistently fails to acknowledge or deal with this shadow side of itself. To echo a recent woman who submitted a voicemail to ALSSI, in some ways I feel like we’re being asked to live Satan’s plan, not God’s.

It was unpleasant facing such thoughts while attending an endowment session with my in-laws, to whom the temple is very important and helpful. I haven’t told them the extent to which my experiences have eaten away at my desire to be “all in.” They struggle to understand what I’m going through, partly because their children grew up loving the Church community and the gospel. Even though some of their adult children differentiated later, at least they had a decent chance to belong in the community and to learn the gospel in a way that worked reasonably well for youth during that era.

During the endowment session, I was troubled by the thought What would my in-laws think if they knew my bleak and cynical thoughts during the endowment session? 

I felt more mindful than ever of how the ritual revolves around male creators and Adam. Even after all the recent changes to the endowment, so little is given to Eve in terms of words or blessings. She functions as an appendage to Adam’s story, who is to be exalted higher in higher proximity to God as a male priest. Adam covenants with God, and Eve covenants with the new and everlasting covenant, which Exponent bloggers have taught me includes eternal plural marriage. Yuck!

I sensed Russell M. Nelson’s characteristic thinking in the assertion made in the temple narration that each of us can be convinced of the power and truthfulness of temple covenants through prayer. In recent years, I’ve had the opposite experience. Opening up more to our Heavenly Parents has led to spiritual growth and revelations that have challenged the idea that the temple provides the one essential spiritual practice or path to God’s presence.

Another line in the current endowment that was probably recently added by Nelson promises that obedience to covenants will yield spiritual progress. Does obeying and giving our all to the church actually foster the spiritual growth God intends for us? Certainly God’s commandments and the gospel do help us grow and live good lives, but many of us hit a point when the growth made possible by delegating the spiritual authority in our lives to the Church is spent. Continuous sacrifice and following leaders can start to do the opposite, leaving us stagnant, complacent, or stuck. If we want to continue to progress spiritually, we need to face life’s changes and transitions without leaning on someone else telling us what to think or do.

I’m confused why we need the endowment at all. I don’t think I need extra covenants beyond baptism to be committed to sexual morality, Christ’s gospel, or prudent, honest living. And while I resonate with the idea of consecration as a solution to the world’s problems, this is not at all what we actually practice in the Church. The wealth we sacrifice is not redispersed, the Church takes and takes while the funds largely sit there. Last year I spent a couple hundred dollars on my calling because the ward didn’t have any budget to provide for my calling area.

Other covenants are downright questionable, even cultish. I no longer consent to the covenant to give all my time, talents, and everything I possess to the Church, let alone my life.

Much of the content of the endowment was unhelpful or dissonant to me. As I went through the veil, I grieved for the peace I once enjoyed in the temple, and for the times I found the content more interesting.

In the celestial room, I prayed: God, help me know what to do. Should I keep coming here for the sake of my relationships? 

Faith in Heavenly Parents, Jesus, and the hope of healing for all God’s children mean a lot to me. I believe in the restoration; I love many of the messages of the Book of Mormon. The problem is how the Church happens to have turned out (due largely to what I see as chance foibles of human history). The particular version of the Church we have violates my moral conscience and can’t support me well at this point. It could have been much better. 

Something happened to me in the celestial room that usually doesn’t: God showed up. I felt the spirit as I prayed. Should I keep going just for the possibility of moments like these? 

After I prayed, I sat on a couch in the celestial room with my husband. He hugged me tight and told me he loved me. This brought back vivid memories of our newly wed days that brought me to tears. I fear what I could lose going forward. Should I stay all in with my practices for the chance at moments like these that tie us back to our first months together? I’m scared of losing his love and approval, even though I know it would be unfair for him to withdraw this if I make different religious choices than him.

Some nuanced LDS men seem to have an easier time than women like me at continuing to be “all in” without feeling too much resentment. Men’s garments are easier and cause fewer issues. And they sometimes have a very different relationship with money; they tend to earn more and some of them value paying tithing because it helps them detach from money. The temple is generally less oppressive to them. It can be hard for men to really understand women’s pain or to support their instincts to set firm boundaries with the institution.

I looked over at his parents. Only a handful of their children and grandchildren are temple goers at this point. I feel immense pressure to stay all in. Every time someone has had a faith transition it has caused them a lot of grief. How could I inflict this on them all over again? Family and the temple are everything to them. How would it change our relationship? Could my actions negatively impact their mental health or spirituality during their final years? 

My dilemma is not at all about what people at Church think. Just today, my bishop gave a talk about how it is time for the many slackers in our ward to pay their tithing and renew their recommends. Why should I listen to Church leaders if they won’t make any real space for women to have power or authority? Frankly, I just don’t give a d**** anymore. I know the leadership in my ward senses I’m one of the natural spiritual leaders in the community–one of the people who many look to as a role model and whose voice and spiritual support to others does a great deal to make our gatherings worth attending. I know they wouldn’t like me moving to the edge and might be angry or puzzled about it, but if I make the move to the edge, let it be a sign to them that they and the institution are failing to retain the continued loyalty of women like me.

My personal question and crisis all hangs on family. My family loves, appreciates and supports me so much more and better than the Church does. For me, family love is the great sacred experience of life. My in-laws’ visit was a highlight this year, a time my mental health was recharged by their loving encouragement and care. I don’t want my choices to hurt the people I love most. These are the folks I’d do just about anything to encourage, support and stay close to.

And their spiritual views and hopes are sincere. They deserve a better, more inclusive, ethical, and caring Church– one that our family members would actually stay connected to. One that would include our family members who have differentiated at weddings and rituals that are meant to strengthen us as families like the endowment. The broken and divisive temple entrance system is not the fault of anyone in my family, we didn’t create it, but we have become its victims. We don’t deserve to be hurt in this way.

People could say it’s not a big deal either way: Just bite the bullet, and make a choice. Or that the choice should be easy and obvious, but it isn’t to me. My heart feels anguish stepping to the edge due to how it might pain and strain my family relationships. And my body rejects the continuing to be all in because of the way it requires me to submit to controlling and unrighteous traditions. It’s a catch-22. Both feel like some kind of spiritual or emotional suicide: betrayal and division within myself or in my family.

There are a lot of vexing decisions to make as a member of the Church today, but whether to maintain a recommend might be the most difficult. The temple recommend system demands that we choose a side– in or out. Which side of our families will we stand on? This alone makes the temple recommend system spiritually and emotionally abusive. I hold the Church responsible and guilty for such unreasonable conditions.

There are so many questions I’m asking myself. Will setting boundaries with the Church prove necessary for me to forgive it and to heal such that this is the only healthy or viable option? Is my dilemma actually that important– are my expectations too high or idealistic? Is the urge to be a liminal member a selfish cop-out or a courageous, values-based instinct?

I’m genuinely not sure what path I’ll take.

Temple photos are from lds.org

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Guest Post: How to Support a Childless Friend or Family Member

Guest Post by Erin N. Price

Image by Natalia Lavrinenko from Pixabay

Note: This is a companion piece to “On Being Childless in a Family-Centered Church,” published in the summer edition of the Exponent II Magazine. Look for that in your mailbox in a few weeks.

For most of my life, I didn’t understand why some people turned away from the Church or cut off relationships from family or friends because they were offended. Why couldn’t they realize these people are human and choose not to be offended?

When going through infertility, miscarriage, and childlessness, however, my perspective changed. I was taken aback by some of the thoughtless actions, comments, and inaction by family members and friends who had always been a huge support system in the past. My previous mantra to “just choose not to be offended” was not working any longer, as I experienced deep pain from some of these situations.

Still, I clung to my conviction that it was not anyone’s fault. People who hadn’t experienced my same challenges, at least not to the same degree I had, seemed to be at a loss to know how to support me. Because they felt their own pain about watching me go through pain, they tried to employ strategies to dismiss their pain, which only caused more hurt for me.

While I still believe we need to give people grace and realize that they are trying their best, I also think we can all do a better job at supporting people going through deep anguish by following Christ’s example to bear one another’s burdens. 

When someone was in deep pain, Christ did not lecture them, judge them, or ignore them. He did not blame them as the cause of their own pain or give them quick fix solutions. Most importantly of all, He did not dismiss their pain. He healed them, wept for them, and felt compassion for them. 

When Lazarus died, Christ felt the pain of his loss and wept with Lazarus’s sisters, even though He knew He had the power to raise him from the dead. 

When a woman was taken in adultery, He told her He did not condemn her but that she should “go, and sin no more.” 

When He was asked whose fault it was that a man was born blind, He said it was no one’s fault, but that the works of God could be made manifest in the man. 

When His apostles did not help watch with Him in the Garden of Gethsemane, but instead fell asleep, He told them to rest; He knew that they too would be affected by the events to come.

So how can we support someone going through a deep challenge such as infertility, miscarriage, or childlessness without adding to their pain? How can we help them feel loved and supported rather than alienated or misunderstood?

Things Not to Say and Do

The following types of comments can be hurtful or triggering to someone who is going through the painful challenge of infertility.

Dismissive comments: You just need to have more faith. / Just relax and it will happen. [This is discounting the struggle and pain and blaming them for something they can’t control.]Hopeless comments: Maybe you just need to accept that you won’t have children. / Are you sure you should be doing these invasive infertility treatments? [This takes away someone’s ability to have hope. You don’t have a right to judge their path or the revelation they’ve received.]Comparison comments: So-and-so dealt with infertility, and now she has seven kids! / Most women have a miscarriage at some point. / So-and-so struggled to get pregnant, then went on vacation, and voila, she was pregnant! [Comparisons aren’t helpful. Pain is individual. Just because others got lucky doesn’t mean everyone will—some people will continue to struggle with infertility for years at no fault of their own.]Suggestion comments: Why haven’t you tried acupuncture, the Mediterranean diet, such and such supplement, enter other solution here? [Chances are they’ve tried many things. There is no magic bullet for infertility. Only bring up ideas if they are actively seeking them.]Adoption comments: Why haven’t you considered adoption? / Why don’t you just adopt? [It’s okay to ask this in the right time and way, but recognize that people need to seek their own revelation on what’s right for their family, and they have most likely already considered adoption. Adoption is not easy and not for everyone at every time in their lives.]“Just accept your life” comments: But you’re still an aunt/sister/daughter! / You’re already a mother in eternity. / You’ll raise children in the next life. / You are still a mother or have experienced aspects of motherhood, so you should be content with that. [Your friend knows this, but saying this doesn’t change the broken dreams and loneliness that are happening right now. If there is still hope that your friend will raise children in this life, comments like these make it seem like you’ve lost hope it will happen.]Miscarriage comments: Well, at least you were able to get pregnant. / Miscarriage is not a  big deal; it will work next time around. [This is not comforting when you lost a child you desperately wanted. The pain of loss cannot be overcome by these kinds of statements.]Judgmental comments: Why don’t you have kids yet? / Young people these days are delaying having kids. [Not helpful to say to anyone when you don’t know their story.]

I know this sounds like a lot, and there are probably even more ways to offend someone, depending on their personal pain points and where they are in their infertility journey. To summarize, I would avoid statements that compare, judge, dismiss pain, take away hope, or try to problem solve.

For me, I think the hardest thing to take is when family members or friends question whether I’m going against God’s will. Quite the opposite. If it was up to me, I would be done with fertility treatments, but I’ve felt inspired to keep going, and hopefully they can trust that. I’m the one who has to live with my decisions, so what I need from them is their support, not their judgment.

Another form of hurt comes when people get so worried that they will say or do the wrong thing that they do nothing at all. Whether your friend is going through a rough patch or not, don’t hesitate to reach out, but let them take the lead on talking about their infertility. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you and hope your treatments are going okay. No pressure to talk about it if you’re not ready.” Then let your friend decide how much they want to talk about it. Sometimes they may not want to talk about it at all, but other times, they might feel alone and be so glad you asked.

Also, remember that infertility is not the only thing about this person. Sometimes when I see relatives or acquaintances I haven’t seen in a while, all they say to me is something like, “I’m so sorry about your situation. We’re praying for you.” I wish people would try to include me more, to ask about my job or hobbies or anything else, to not see me as some poor wounded soul on the outskirts of family life. 

If an acquaintance you don’t know well is childless and you wonder why, don’t say anything about it at first. Resist the urge to ask about what is probably their deepest pain. If you truly want to get to know them, they may share their story once they trust you. Otherwise, the only reason to dig into the information is to satisfy your own curiosity or ego, and that’s incredibly hurtful. Only seek out the story if you are committed to being their friend and standing beside them as they go through this journey.

Things to Say and Do

If you have said something hurtful, I wouldn’t beat yourself up; you probably didn’t intend to hurt anyone. But next time, maybe try something like the following, if you’re talking with a friend going through one of the rough stages of infertility; I know these types of comments really helped me:

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I wish I could take your pain away.I don’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but I know what it’s like to lose a dream. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen.Even though my experience is different from yours, I’ve also experienced infertility and miscarriage, and I know how difficult it is. Life can be so unfair.I know life is hard for you right now. I would like to pray for you. Is there anything specific you want me to pray for?What would be most helpful to you right now? Would you like me to bring you dinner, go on a walk with you, or anything else?

Notice that most of the above are questions. You are acknowledging their pain, reaching out, and inviting the suffering person to respond how they feel most comfortable. When in doubt, “I’m so sorry; this is so hard,” is all you really need to say.

The following actions can also be very helpful when needed:

Listening to them without interruptingSitting and crying with themGiving them a hugGiving them a thoughtful and meaningful giftOffering to do something with them, such as going to lunch or having a movie night (anticipating that they might say no if they’re not ready)Offering to go to the temple with themIf you are a Priesthood holder, offering a Priesthood blessing

Sending an inspiring scripture or quote can be helpful at times, but be careful about this. For example, if your friend is in deep mourning after a recent loss, it might not be the best time to send a quote about choosing to be joyful or grateful.

If your friend doesn’t accept your offer at this time, or even reacts negatively, give them some space, but try again in a few days. Don’t abandon them when they might need you the most.

Truly bearing another’s burdens can be uncomfortable because it involves acknowledging someone’s pain, then, rather than trying to make that pain go away, learning to sit with them in their pain. In Hebrews 13:3, it says, “Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.” While we can’t feel the exact pain someone else is going through, we can expand ourselves to try to understand their pain so we can know how to comfort them. With the right time, sensitivity, and encouragement, we can help our friend turn to the Savior to receive relief from the greatest Bearer of Burdens, whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light.

Example of Bearing Burdens

An example in my life of someone who helped bear my burdens is my friend Rachelle, who was my ministering sister and Relief Society president. 

My husband and I have wanted children for over 10 years, but due to health concerns and infertility, that has not yet happened. Over the past couple years, I went through many painful infertility procedures. We were thrilled when I became pregnant—we thought we had finally gotten our miracle. We went to the temple to thank God for this long-awaited blessing. Shortly after, I lost that pregnancy. I was so angry that this blessing was taken away. It seemed like cruel irony that this happened right after going to the temple to thank God, so I wasn’t sure if I could go back to the temple and be forced to relive those terrible memories.

Rachelle was there to listen. We went on walks and went to lunch. We talked about spiritual things, but she didn’t tell me what to do or dismiss my pain. She felt that she should invite me to go back to the temple with her, but she also felt that I wasn’t ready yet and that she shouldn’t push the issue. 

Finally, she felt like it was the right time to invite me, and I accepted. She gave me a ride to the temple and we were able to do initiatories, where I felt comforted by the wonderful healing blessings in that ordinance. This gave me the courage to go back to the temple. Eventually, I began to see that maybe having the miscarriage after going to the temple was actually a tender mercy from Heavenly Father, because I had just a little more spiritual power and perspective before going through a difficult challenge.

Rachelle continued to be there when I needed to talk. I set a goal to do a 5k so I could try to get my broken body back in shape, and she agreed to do it with me. Even though she is no longer my ministering sister, we still keep in touch. This is what bearing burdens looks like.

Bearing burdens can be messy in practice, but it is a crucial part of keeping our covenants and living a Christlike life. I hope that we all can do a little better about bearing the burdens of those who are childless, as well as others who feel like they are outside the norms of traditional Church or family life. By doing this, we can all get a little closer to building a Zion-like atmosphere in our wards and communities.

Erin P. works in publishing rights and permissions and writes young adult novels on the side. She lives in Virginia with her husband. Follow her work at https://erinpricewrites.netlify.app/

Guest Post: Ministering

Guest Post by Kate Baxter

December 3, 2022

10:32 am  Clara Allred  Hi Kate! This is Clara Allred, your Ministering Supervisor. We just want to remind you to check in with your Ministering Sisters this holiday season. Thanks!    11:10 am  Kate  Hi Clara. I have no idea who these sisters are. Our ward has changed so much, and I’m busy with Primary. Can you tell me a little about them?2:18 pm  Clara Allred  I think they are in the new subdivision by the high school. Just send them a text or drop something off at their houses for Christmas. You can find their contact info in LDS Tools. It’s important that no one feels forgotten at this time of the year. Thanks for all that you do!!!!     

April 7, 2023

4:26 pm  Clara Allred  Hi Kate! We’re checking in with all the sisters to see how Ministering is going. How are your sisters doing? How is it going with your Ministering Companion? Let us know how we can help!!    9:18 pm  Kate  Honestly, Clara, it’s been rough. Things are really challenging right now. I haven’t met my Ministering Sisters or my companion. I dropped off loaves from Kneader’s at Christmas, but didn’t speak with them. Sorry I can’t tell you more about how they’re doing.   9:38 pm  Clara Allred  That’s okay!!! Ministering is not about monthly visits. It’s about creating connections. You can send them a text, drop a postcard in the mail, or even just say hi in the hallway at church. It’s simple. You’re doing great!!!     

July 25, 2024

10:51 am  Linda Peterson  Hi Kate. I’m your new Ministering Supervisor. We’re checking in with each companionship. With so many new sisters, we’re thinking about redoing the assignments. How are your sisters doing? Do you have any concerns?       1:36 pm  Kate  Hi Linda. I don’t think we’ve met. Welcome to the ward. As I told Clara, I haven’t had any ministering contact with anyone in the ward for a couple of years. If you guys are redoing the assignments, I’d really like to be placed with a companion and sisters I already know. I think that would make it lots easier for me. Thanks.   

July 27, 2024

2:51 pm  Linda Petersen  Hi Kate! We’re excited to share your new Ministering assignment with you. Please log into LDS Tools to see your new sisters and companion. Thank you for all the work you do on behalf of the Lord. Remember, without your loving and dedicated service, his hands are tied. 🙏    6:37 pm  Kate  Hey Linda. I just looked at LDS Tools. I don’t know my companion or the sisters I’m supposed to minister to. I asked to be partnered with people I already know. Can you please make that happen? Thanks.   

July 29, 2024

7:04 am  Linda Peterson  Hi Kate. I looked over the assignments and discussed it with Sister Jones, our new RS Pres. She and I feel that you are the perfect person to welcome all these new sisters in. I know they don’t live close to you, but remember, you don’t have to visit each month. Just an occasional text is fine.    11:23 am  Kate  I have a lot going on right now and am not sure I’m able to reach out to new people. Just sending a text every once in a while doesn’t feel right to me. For that reason, Ministering would be easier for me if I visited sisters I already know and who live by me. Could you check one more time if there’s another way I can serve? Thanks.   11:42 am  Linda Petersen  You’re over-thinking this, Kate. It’s natural to feel a bit overwhelmed. ❤️ Ministering is an opportunity to get to know new sisters. As someone who’s been in our ward for a decade or more, we feel you are the perfect person to help new sisters make connections in the ward and neighborhood. Remember, Jesus doesn’t ask us to do things without preparing a way. You got this! 👍     

October 15, 2024

3:17 pm  Linda Petersen  Hi Kate! I was talking to Joanna Fairchild, one of your Ministering sister assignments, and she said you two have never met. Joanna would appreciate a call, text, or visit. Thanks.     

October 17, 2024

4:22 pm  Linda Petersen  Just a reminder for all the sisters to reach out to their Ministering assignments this holiday season. Sister Jones has challenged us with 100% outreach through December. She has a super cute refrigerator magnet scripture quote you can pick up from her house to give to your sisters. We’ve made it super easy, so don’t hesitate. We (and the Lord!!!) appreciate your service!!!     

October 28, 2024

9:11 am  Linda Petersen  Hi Kate. Just circling back. Joanna Fairchild told me this morning that you two still haven’t gotten together. Her contact info is in LDS Tools, but let me know if you need me to send it. Thanks.     

October 29, 2024

  10:52 am  Kate  Hi Linda. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good minister. Things are really difficult right now. Could you please assign my Ministering sisters to someone who has the bandwidth to reach out? Thanks.   10:50 am  Linda Petersen  So many of our sisters are already visiting extra people—are you sure you don’t have time to send one text or chat with someone in the hall? Are you asking to be removed from the Ministering Sister pool? I’ll have to talk to Sis. Jones about that.       11:02 am  Kate  Of course I want to serve and help people. Absolutely call if someone needs a meal or something. I’m happy to do things like that. It’s just hard to minister to people who don’t live by me, and I don’t know them. I can barely get through the day as it is. I feel like I’m drowning. Can we adjust the assignments?   11:27 am  Linda Petersen  I talked with Sister Jones and we agreed that we’ll look at making Ministering changes in February. The Elders Quorum made it clear that they don’t want to do anything until after the holidays. Maybe around ward conference. Thanks for all you do!!! We sure appreciate you. 🙌     

December 9, 2024

7:27 pm  Linda Petersen  Merry Christmas, Sisters! This is a reminder to visit your Ministering Sisters before the end of the year. Our goal is 100% outreach. You have just a few more weeks before this opportunity to serve our Lord this year disappears forever. Don’t miss it! 🎄     

February 12, 2025

3:41 pm  Linda Petersen  Sisters, we need everyone to sign up for a time to meet with a member of the Relief Society Presidency to discuss Ministering Assignments. Be sure to sign up using the following link. Thanks!     

February 17, 2025

8:18 am  Linda Petersen  Hi Kate. We’ve noticed you haven’t signed up for a meeting time with the RS Presidency. We’re trying to get this done this week. Here’s the link again. Thanks! 🥰     

February 25, 2025

9:22 am  Linda Petersen  Hi Kate. I signed up you for an 8:45 pm slot tonight to meet with Sister Jones about Ministering. We’re finalizing the new assignments. Let me know if that works for you. See you there!!! 👍     

March 9, 2025

8:10 am  Kara Brighton  Good morning, Sisters! I’m Kara, the new Ministering Supervisor, and I’ve got exciting news!!! Check out LDS Tools for your new assignments. Come prepared to meet your new partners and the wonderful sisters who will become your best friends! 👩‍👩‍👧‍👧 See you at Relief Society!!!     

March 13, 2025

7:38 am  Kara Brighton  Good morning, Sisters! We want to remind everyone about the cupcakes we’ll have at church this Sunday in honor of the Relief Society’s birthday! Stop by Sister Jone’s house for a cute cupcake flyer to take to your Ministering Sisters. We want everyone there, so be sure to stop by. 🧁     

June 25, 2025

9:34 am  Kara Brighton  Hi Kate! We’re checking in to see how Ministering is going for you. I realized we haven’t met. Are you in Primary? Hope your day is extra fantastic!!!     

Kate Baxter is terrible at small talk, but pretty good at bringing in meals and helping at funerals. At RS events you can find her hiding in the kitchen near the desserts. She blogs about Wayfinding Mortality on her new website https://katebaxterauthor.com/.

A Mormon Mother Revisited: Obeisance/Obedience

My great-great-great aunt was a second wife in late-1800s polygamous Utah. Her autobiography first lived on my parents’ bookshelves and then migrated to mine. I read it once, as a teen, but otherwise, it’s been left to age quietly in the background.  

It feels like time to revisit.  

Down that family line, two generations became ensnared in polygamy. Two sisters, daughters of a polygamous marriage, married polygamously, and that was the end of it. Monogamy won. Only two generations ensnared in polygamy, and yet a long, long, long tail of effects.  

Growing up, polygamy was at once something that had to be explained away and also not talked about at all. It was difficult. It was confusing. It was always there, but never fully understood or explored, especially in public. Private conversations, most often with my dad, were one thing, but at church polygamy needed to be tied up a neat little bow and placed on the shelf labeled ‘Already Resolved Issues.’    

In my immediate family, Annie Clark Tanner, whose life story sat on our shelves, was admired because she publicly criticized polygamy in her autobiography.  That was the thing to be proud of, mainly. I used to wear that pride – that progressivism – easily. My family connections to polygamy wouldn’t bother me. They had been on the right side of things by the end of it. And, after all, it’s not something we do anymore.   

I think I’d rather be bothered, a bit.  

The book is a bit faded from sun exposure, but the binding still holds.  

I have to spend a minute on FamilySearch to remember exactly how I’m related to Annie. In typical Mormon fashion, there’s a solid 21 children to wade through between two marriages before I reaffirm that Annie Vilate Clark Tanner, daughter of Susan Leggett, the second wife of Ezra Thompson Clark, is the older sister to my direct ancestor Sarah Lavina Clark.  

Clark became my grandfather’s name and my son’s middle name. The roots reach further than you think they do. 

Annie writes in the chapter describing her childhood, “the principle of obedience dominated the teachings of my girlhood, whether it applied to the home, the State, or the Church” (2).1  

She alludes to her father perhaps being something of a harsh disciplinarian, particularly to her older siblings with his first wife, but also that she loved her father’s praise so much, she never wanted to disobey and therefore enjoyed a good relationship with her father.  

It hits differently today, that obeisance as obedience.  

I know that euphoric feeling, of being so good and knowing, deep down in your soul, that that goodness radiates and you don’t have to worry about a thing because it’s obedience that will keep you safe and well and loved.  

How much of being a Mormon woman is wrapped up in reaching for the approbation of the priesthood – the men – in our lives? How many of us have met the harsh disciplinarian in the friend, family member, or the church leader because we couldn’t take the obeisance/obedience any further without sacrificing something vital? 

Annie wrestled with this cognitive dissonance too.  

She both admired and struggled with an exacting mother, which she attributed to her mother’s origin as an English immigrant, while she was a born and raised American (we may be descended from colonizers on colonizers, but I do get a kick out of the idea that Annie wasn’t immune to the challenges of being a first generation American daughter with an immigrant parent).  

When Annie writes, “it seemed so serious to me that I did not always agree with my mother” (5), she’s representing all of us good girls who make obeisance/obedience their whole personality.      

She loved and respected her father, but notes that her value to him was that she had good manners, dressed well, and could help out when there were social events at the  main house. Her father may have asked her to pick out presents at the local ZCMI, but she also never chose anything without his approval. Several times in her stories about her childhood, she balances out the kindness of her father with the truth that she never tested the strength and endurance of that love.     

The dissonance grows when she describes the state of relationships between the two wives of this family, first claiming that all was well and then immediately describing all the ways in which this polygamous family was, in fact, not well.  

In particular, “Aunt Mary,” the first wife, had complete control of the allotment of monthly supplies to both families. Annie’s father wouldn’t intervene if his second wife told him she wasn’t being given enough, a choice which Annie attributes to her father’s desire to follow the example of Brigham Young.  

Annie writes she was welcome at the home of the first wife, and she was. They couldn’t play with the toys unless the first wife’s children were also playing, they couldn’t eat the apples from the orchard, and the chicken coop was always locked to them, but they were welcome.   

Although she spends a few pages defending Aunt Mary’s actions, Annie balances her defense by noting the difficulties facing her mother, who was often put in the position of begging at the door while her husband turned a blind eye to the situation. 

A family struggling to make polygamy work widens out the lens to the wider community, which operated under what Annie called authoritarian management. She writes, “if one had a surprise party, it was with the consent of the Bishop. Indeed, all public gatherings were under the direction of the Church authorities…” (18). 

I mean, can you imagine such an environment? Who would want to live like that? If we learn nothing from Brigham-Young-era Utah, perhaps it’s that we ought to be fighting very, very hard in our own time to avoid authoritarian government. But I digress.  

Here’s the childhood Annie that I am imagining: 

The second-oldest-and-oldest-daughter of 11 children, with 10 more half-sibling ahead of her, spread across two houses, lives with inequitable hierarchies at home and strict societal demands in her wider community, where religion and state boundaries are blurred enough to be rendered meaningless. She sees the inequities and the challenges of her home life and her community life, but she’s doing the best she can, because sometimes good things happen too. She really, really loves her family. She wants to know that God still loves her when she goes to sleep at night. She reads every edition of The Woman’s Exponent that comes to their home. 

I can hold love and grace for Annie, her mother Susan, and her Aunt Mary in this heightened environment of Obedience/Obeisance and Patriarchy.  

Is Annie’s childhood steeped in obedience really that different from my childhood, which took place in the era of Modesty and Patriarchy?  

There, too, obedience, hierarchy, inequity were at play.  

Annie’s religious leaders taught her “obedience is Heaven’s first law” and mine told me, “blessings bestowed by God are always predicated upon obedience to law.”2

And while I am not going to ever argue that the modesty push is the same as polygamy (polygamy is way worse, full stop), both issues are cut from the same Patriarchy cloth.  

Patriarchy tells us to push aside what we’re seeing, hearing, and feeling in favor of strict obedience. It says to make choices based on the idea that there will be some sort of heavenly reward that will make any and all sacrifices worth it. Patriarchy is all about looking for approval from others for our perfect obedience.   

For me, obedience was covering my shoulders and wearing knee length bottoms. For today’s youth, it’s probably going to be something temple-related. For Annie, it was embracing the Principle. 

When obedience demands that we stop listening to ourselves, that we relinquish our agency, that we lose the ability to critically question, that we look to others, typically those with patriarchal power (read: men), for approval, we get to the heart of what Annie is describing as a throughline in her childhood. 

I don’t know what Annie would think of her great-great-great-grandniece who wears pants and pride pins to church, openly critiques the poor effects of our church policies, and neither sustains nor dissents during those ceremonial sustaining exercises. She probably wouldn’t like my messy-middle boundary-grounded version of Mormon participation.  

Probably, I’m a bit too disobedient for her taste.  

 And yet, I’m someone who also wants to know that God still loves her and reads every edition of The Exponent ii that comes to her home.  

I have to hope that a part of Annie would understand why I don’t see the value in being an obedient and obeisant Mormon woman. She might understand why I couldn’t look away from the inequities and the injustices any  longer, no matter how safe that obedience bubble truly felt at times. It did feel so safe at times. But the rest of Annie’s story might show that obedience isn’t always exactly safe either.

Annie Clark Tanner’s A Mormon Mother published by Tanner Trust Fund University of Utah Library 1976 Russell M. Nelson “Endure and Be Lifted Up” April 1997 General Conference   

Book cover image via Wikimedia

Photo by Mikhail Pavstyuk on Unsplash

In our town, as it is in Heaven

I was running errands on a Saturday morning, and I drove past a church that had a banner out front that read “In Phoenix, as it is in Heaven.” That fresh take on the Lord’s Prayer, likening the scripture unto ourselves, really struck me.

While preaching the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus instructed his disciples on how to pray: “After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.” Matthew 6:9-10

The earth is vast, and in that vastness, it’s easy to hand-wave away. A million is a statistic. I have no power over the whole earth. I have little power over my country, modest power over my state, and a bit more power over my city and community. Things are distressing in the world right now, and it’s overwhelming to see all of the need. It’s hard to know where to start, and it’s easy to feel powerless because I can’t do everything.

I can’t always do anything about whatever problem is happening over there. But I can do something about whatever problem is happening right in front of me. God’s kingdom come, God’s will be done in Phoenix, as it is in Heaven. If I make my city heavenly, and the rest of God’s people make their cities heavenly, then we will make the whole earth heavenly.

Guest Post: Nobody in our Ward (or Yours Either) Blesses the Sacrament

Guest Post by Su Ferrel

Last Sunday I again listened more closely to the Bishop’s comment after the ordinance of the sacrament than to the sacrament prayer itself. And, yes, he did it again. He thanked ‘the Priesthood’ (not the priesthood bearers or the young men) for blessing and passing the sacrament. We know, because it has been widely taught from the pulpit, both locally and from Salt Lake, that men who hold the priesthood are not ‘the priesthood’, so ‘the priesthood’ shouldn’t be thanked for blessing the sacrament. And unless the trays are moved by some non-human power, it is also inappropriate to thank ‘the priesthood’ for passing the sacrament. And yet, my bishop continues to make that same verbal and doctrinal error whenever he conducts.

I determined I had let this concern live rent-free in my head for long enough. I had sustained this bishop, and sustaining him meant, among other things, that I would support him in his calling. If I truly wanted him to succeed in his calling then it would be not only appropriate, but mandatory, for me to mention his error in phraseology, in a kind and loving way, of course.

As we were left the chapel I found the bishop and took a moment to relay my concerns, but was dumbfounded at his reaction. He scoffed at me (literally) and said it WAS ‘the Priesthood’ that blessed the sacrament, because that’s the power the priests used. He said I was parsing words and splitting hairs. I reminded him that the brethren had made a clear distinction between ‘men’ and ‘the Priesthood’, and that the stake president had directed ward leadership to specifically NOT thank ‘the Priesthood’ for the administration of the sacrament. I told him that both his counselors followed the recommended phrasing and that it was hurtful for a woman to hear the term ‘priesthood’ used as a synonym for ‘men’. He said I was taking offense where none was intended, that the exact words in his off-hand comment of thanks made no difference. I suggested that, if he truly believed there was no difference, then him using my (and the brethren’s and the stake president’s) preferred phrasing would harm nobody, while benefitting some. He said I was being overly sensitive and woke. I asked him to consider my request to change his verbiage. He gave me a dismissive hand wave and said he’d ‘consider’ it, but with such an inflection on the word ‘consider’ that I knew it wouldn’t happen.

That less-than-two-minute conversation made me wonder if perhaps I didn’t know enough about priesthood in general, and blessings in particular, to have communicated my concern effectively. My message was so poorly received that I wondered if I was being overly sensitive, woke, or splitting hairs. I began to delve more deeply into a variety of blessings bestowed by people in The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, specifically blessing babies, blessing the sick, blessing food, and blessing the sacrament.

General Handbook of Instructions, section 18.6.2, specifies that the Melchizedek Priesthood holder acting as voice during the blessing of a baby does the following:

Addresses Heavenly Father as in prayer.States that the blessing is being performed by the authority of the Melchizedek Priesthood.Gives the child a name.Addresses the child.Gives a blessing to the child as guided by the Spirit.Closes in the name of Jesus Christ.

Similarly, General Handbook of Instructions, section 18.8.2, specifies that the Melchizedek Priesthood holder acting as voice during the Confirmation and Gift of the Holy Ghost do the following:

Calls the person by his or her full name.States that the ordinance is being performed by the authority of the Melchizedek Priesthood.Confirms the person a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.States “receive the Holy Ghost” (not “receive the gift of the Holy Ghost”).Gives words of blessing as guided by the Spirit.Closes in the name of Jesus Christ.

In both instances the speaker himself blesses the child. Yes, the blessing is given by the authority of the Melchizedek Priesthood. Yes, the speaker is guided by the spirit. Yes, the blessing closes in the name of Jesus Christ. But the blessing is NOT a prayer asking Heavenly Father or anyone else to bless the child. (Although Heavenly Father is addressed in the baby blessing ordinance, the blessing portion itself is addressed directly to the child by the Melchizedek Priesthood bearer. Heavenly Father isn’t even mentioned during the Confirmation and Gift of the Holy Ghost ordinance.) In both instances the blessing is from the Melchizedek Priesthood bearer/s themselves (as guided by the Spirit), voiced as ‘I/WE bless you to …’ God Himself is not called on to administer the blessing.

I considered other blessings, such as the blessing on the food at mealtime. My husband generally asks me, or a child or a grandchild (yes, we follow that patriarchy in our home) to ‘please bless the food’, and then the called upon person does as asked.

However, there is a great difference in how food is blessed and how children are blessed. Food ‘blessings’ are actually prayers to Heavenly Father asking HIM to bless the food. The person charged with blessing the food does not actually ‘bless’ the food. The person ‘asks a blessing on the food’, directed to Heavenly Father. We discussed this subtle difference at home and decided to replace the request of ‘(name), will you please bless the food?’ with ‘(name), will you please ask a blessing on the food? The new-to-us phrasing flows so easily that it’s likely we’ve heard it in other settings but hadn’t internalized the nuance.

Then I reviewed the sacrament PRAYER, not BLESSING. It dawned on me that nobody in our ward (or yours either, for that matter) actually blesses the sacrament. Like the blessing on the food, there is no statement that the work is being done by ‘the authority of the priesthood that we hold’ or ‘we bless this bread/water…’. Like the blessing on the food, the sacrament prayer doesn’t actually bless the bread or water. It is a prayer asking Heavenly Father to bless the bread and water: ‘Oh God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread or water)…’

Priesthood members do NOT bless the bread or water during the sacrament portion of our meetings. Just as we ASK Heavenly Father to bless the food in our home, priesthood members ASK Heavenly Father to bless the bread and water during the ordinance of the sacrament.

Although a priesthood holder offers the sacrament prayers, it is Heavenly Father, approached through the authority of the priesthood and in the name of Jesus Christ, who actually blesses the sacrament to the souls of those who partake. If anyone is to be thanked for blessing the sacrament, it should be Him. The deacons could appropriately be thanked for passing. However, if thanks are to be given, perhaps it would be best to simply thank those who ‘participated in the administration of the sacrament’.

But, wait, haven’t we been taught that blessing the sacrament is a responsibility of the Aaronic Priesthood? It certainly appears that way according to the General Handbook of Instructions, section 18.9.2, ‘Priests and Melchizedek Priesthood holders may bless the sacrament.’ In actuality, however, they do not bless the sacrament. Again, it is Heavenly Father who blesses the sacrament after Priests and/or Melchizedek Priesthood holders ask for that blessing through the authority of the priesthood and in the name of Jesus Christ.

Perhaps instead of looking to the ever-evolving General Handbook of Instructions for doctrinal guidance, we should instead look to the canonized Doctrine and Covenants, which states in 20: 46 ‘The priest’s duty is to preach, teach, expound, exhort, and baptize, and administer the sacrament (emphasis added).’

I’m unsure whether my bishop will change his verbiage, but I now understand that nobody in our ward (or yours either, for that matter) actually blesses the sacrament. I am grateful for those who administer it. And will gladly appropriately thank them.

Su Ferrel is a septuagenarian feminist living in Amarillo Texas where she does her best to sustain church leadership, even while playing Bishop Roulette.

Guest Post: The Other Secret Lives of Mormon W(ives)omen

Guest Post by Kate Lloyd

I walked into Lululemon in a suburb of North Austin after attending an interfaith activity. The bubbly worker chatted with me while my husband tried on clothes. I was just thinking how nice it is to be a normal person in Texas. No one dropping conspicuous hints about their religious allegiance, checking to see if I was wearing garments, or even assuming that I could be affiliated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I asked her what she had planned for the weekend. “Have you heard of the show “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives?” 

I resist the urge to roll my eyes, and instead I drily mention that I’m from Utah, so yes I’m familiar! If I were a better Mormon* I would have taken a page from the Playbills of “The Book of Mormon” (the shockingly racist musical, not the book of scripture) and invited her to “come and see”. Or I would have shared why the term “Mormon” isn’t representative of a church centered on Christ’s teachings. Having grown up in Utah, I have spent my whole life navigating the tension between the gospel I love and the complicated culture it spawned in Utah.

And that’s the truth- I followed #MomTok as it gained popularity. Momfluencers brought the concept of “soft swinging” to phone screens across the globe, mine included. I wanted to watch The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives with an open mind. I recognize that the main issue I have with the show is not with the women, as much as it is with the practice of pop culture. These are mostly White, upper middle class women who may experience issues within their culture but have ultimately gained wealth and fame from their participation in the show. Perhaps a better title would be the “Secret Lives of Utah Wives.” These are women who certainly may be “Mormon,” although they don’t talk much about their beliefs. It’s more reminiscent of the catty and sometimes hurtful behavior among friends that I observed growing up in Utah.

Despite my general frustrations, there are a few moments that resonate with me and highlight important conversations happening among Mormon women. I appreciate the candor around sexuality, like when Whitney speaks frankly with her mom about how the absence of conversations about sex in her youth left her unprepared. In a later moment, Jen comments on her friend’s divorce, saying that “it’s courageous for Layla to walk away from that.” Mayci tells Taylor she sees red flags in Dakota that remind her of her own experience with her ex-boyfriend. It’s great to see women from our faith supporting each other and working to identify unhealthy patterns in culture and relationships.

On the other hand, this show encapsulates a lot of my frustration with living in Utah, and particularly living in the state where one religion constituted the cultural majority. When a rift begins to form between the “saints” and the “sinners” aka the “devout” and “non-devout,” Jen briefly mentions the work she does to appeal to her mother-in-law. She offhandedly mentions that her own Ecuadorian mother is a “cleaning lady in the same hospital that Zach’s dad is a heart surgeon.” The show demonstrates its priorities by glossing over this interaction. It seems clear that the writers are uninterested in exploring the classicism and racism underpinning Utah, and by extension Mormon culture. Instead, it prefers to center the shallow, petty squabbles that reaffirm sensationalized stereotypes of Mormon “weirdness,” like the obsession with soda, the “secret” temple ceremonies, and the fake swear words used to replace the real ones. 

As I continued watching the show, my initial sense of dread quickly melted into boredom. It was nothing I hadn’t seen before. I could honestly tell juicier stories from a single month of living in Utah, and I lived over 200 months there. Because it’s reality TV, I have to remind myself it’s not that serious. Ironically, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Come Follow Me from August 2024 had a comment that “followers of Jesus Christ are not easily offended,” showing a willingness to listen and learn.

However, it does feel serious to me. While attending BYU, I took a Mormon Women’s History class and never felt more connected to the Mormon culture surrounding the gospel of Jesus Christ. Mormon feminist and scholar Laurel Thatcher Ulrich is credited for the phrase “well behaved women rarely make history.” While this quote is often taken to mean that women should “misbehave,” she actually meant it in the sense that we should celebrate the accomplishments of everyday, unassuming women. When I think about the women in my religious community, a slew of faces come to mind. I think about my friends who are pursuing various passions, such as attending masters programs, raising children, and working to make change in their various fields. I think about the woman who lived down the street from me growing up, who texted me frequently to tell me how smart and wonderful I am- she also supplied a healthy dose of neighborhood gossip, which kept me feeling connected to home. I think of my sister in laws, who are juggling careers and families and severely challenging life circumstances. And I think of my mom, who is one of the smartest people I know and often underestimates her power and influence.

I also think of the women I interacted with in my North Texas congregation. I spoke with one woman who had been told she shouldn’t be attending church if she wasn’t paying her tithing. I like to think there must have been a miscommunication, but it broke my heart to think that kept her away. I also think of the woman who was my co-leader for activity days, balancing a full time job, caregiving for her mother and putting her daughter through school. Her life was touched by heartbreak after heartbreak, and she was one of the most devout and caring people I’ve ever had the pleasure of serving with.

Pursuing a fulfilling career is a luxury reserved for wealthy women. Most women, in and out of our church, have to work due to necessity. The show skimmed the surface of gender roles within Mormon culture. At one point, Jen complains that her husband Zach thinks “his job is more important because he’ll be doing it for his life.” She’s putting him through med school and is acting as the sole provider. The unofficial mandate that men be the sole provider has been a source of grief in my own life. Not because my husband wants to be the sole provider, but because of the cultural pressure and general consensus among Mormons in Utah that the ideal scenario is for women to be full time stay-at-home moms.

This conflicting messaging has not gone unnoticed in pop culture, particularly in light of Mormon influencers like Ballerina Farm and adjacent Nara Smith. Monica Hesse of The Washington Post said that The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives “highlights the irony of social media influencers who promote traditional homemaking while being the primary earners.”

Beyond career concerns, I’ve seen priesthood power exploited. To outsiders, this often seems like an abstract concept of power meant to reinforce traditional gender roles. The role that men play as mediators between women and God sometimes place women in a compromised position, at the mercy of the careless and subjective authority of men during temple recommend interviews or other confessions. I’ve had beautiful experiences of forgiveness through soft spoken men who asked for no details during confessions I went into seeking healing. On the other hand, I also had not one, but two separate Bishops, ask me if I orgasmed. I held a lot of anger toward these men but have come to understand that they were just doing the best with the tools they were given. Unfortunately, those tools did more damage than they repaired. 

What I’ve come to understand about frustrations regarding women and the priesthood is that often, power is filtered through the men closest to you. So if the men closest to you, including local clergy, are careless or worst case abusive, the power of the priesthood can be tainted. This is not to say that it’s an issue of “a few bad apples.” As a religion, we’re taught that people are imperfect and it’s very important to give people grace. We’re also taught that authority and respect is important and that we should not question or challenge ideas. My ultimate hope is that with time, women will feel empowered to push back and speak out about their own revelation and spiritual guidance in response to men who overstep their roles as leaders. 

Beyond the half hearted attempts to display patriarchal systems within Mormon culture, the show did a great job at displaying the worship of aestheticism in Utah. One woman comments, “[my] body is a temple, so let me get botox. [The church doesn’t] really care about plastic surgery.” This one gets my blood boiling because she’s right. Culturally, there is much judgment passed when a woman gets a tattoo, but no one bats an eye at botox anymore because it’s insanely common in Utah. A 2017 study found that Utah has more plastic surgeons per capita than Los Angeles. Beyond plastic surgery, there is also an obsession with having beautifully curated parties. At her baby shower, Taylor comments “I came back to the church to get my life back together, but I feel like I have distanced myself from all of my friends. I don’t know who’s going to show up and who’s not.” She’s throwing this fancy baby shower, and wondering if her friends hate her. That part felt a little too familiar- not that I was often invited to fancy parties, but I was well aware of the ones I wasn’t invited to.

I hope the women of our faith continue to be an influence for good. I would consider myself radical, so I ask people who have agreed with me up until this point to continue to hear me out. Power and wealth are inherently corruptive, as seen in 3rd Nephi of the Book of Mormon. It takes a very conscious effort to counteract the inherent corruption, and most people aren’t willing to humble themselves when they find themselves in these positions- I know I struggle with this. I believe the capitalism we currently practice as a nation is ungodly. And at risk of coming on too strong, I believe that those who support Donald Trump’s policies and practices value wealth more than they value the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I won’t be watching any other seasons of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. There are too many better shows to watch, and I am busy worrying about how to save our democracy. At a happy hour recently, one of my classmates remarked that he “knew I was Mormon” because I was “one of the f*cking nicest people [he’s] ever met.” I loved this comment because it sometimes felt like the opposite of my experience growing up in Utah. I also would remark that we’re actually just like most other communities, some of them religious—wonderful, kind, community-focused, and trying our best to navigate the horrors and joys of being alive. We can also be incredibly imperfect and frustrating with policies and cultural practices that actively harm people.

But I stay for lots of reasons. But mostly because I love the gospel of Jesus Christ as it is taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And the community of 5.5 million women doesn’t hurt either. The real secret about Mormon women is that we come from a legacy of political organizers and religious refugees who were forced to shun traditional gender roles of the time in the name of survival. In modern times, women join the church all over the world from all walks of life, often working outside the home and rarely as influencers. But what I hope is not a secret is our devotion to the gospel of Jesus Christ and our commitment to family, both our families of origin and the human family collectively. I miss Utah, my mountains, my people, my little city. But I sure don’t miss the culture that sometimes left me doubting my worth based on appearance and righteousness. 

*A note on the use of the term Mormon: while I identify more with the title of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I use Mormon and LDS throughout this piece, the former because I feel it better encapsulates the cultural aspects. I believe in Christ, not in being a “Mormon.”

Kate is a graduate student living in Austin, Texas. She was born in Seattle and moved to Salt Lake City as a child, where she spent over 20 years before moving to Texas. She loves politics, being social/social change, her husband, and Jesus Christ.

Wearing a garment top gave me a health scare on my birthday

A month and a half ago, as the summer heat arrived, it was my birthday. I got up and went to work. It was a hot, humid day and due to the facilities team losing our work order, window AC units hadn’t been put in my office yet. I worked at my desk for a couple hours, but was increasingly uncomfortable as sweat dripped from the top of my head in the humidity.

My boss let me go home to finish. She was coping okay because she had a big fan in her space. After work, I celebrated my birthday with my family. That night as I got undressed, I realized I had developed a very disturbing looking rash. Bright red, bumpy and blistered, itchy and painful. I’m very ignorant of the details of up-close realities of cancer experiences, but this rash reminded me of illustrations I’d seen of breast cancer rashes and scared the crap out of me. I suffered a very unpleasant health scare just as I was ready to wind down for sleep.

I searched the internet for info. and realized I was suffering from heat rash. I found another rash on my back.

I had thought I was okay wearing garment tops, even though in recent years I’ve come to accept that the bottoms are simply unsuitable for periods and the vulva’s and vagina’s needs for air flow, esp. for someone like me who is prone to suffer from pelvic pain and other issues. But now I realize in a way I hadn’t before there are fundamental problems with garment tops in hot weather, even if we remove the capped sleeves. Extra layers make us hotter and sweatier, keep our skin from breathing, and put us at higher risk of health issues caused by overheating.

According to the Mayo clinic, “Heat rash occurs when sweat is trapped in the skin. Symptoms can range from small blisters to deep, inflamed lumps” and “adults usually develop heat rash in skin folds and where clothing rubs against the skin.” Garments add a tight layer close to the skin, and many women wear garments under their bras, adding heat and trapping sweat against the skin. Either way you wear it, the addition of garments means there are too many layers close to the skin for hot, humid weather. According to WebMD, heat rashes are often caused by  “Not enough airflow between your skin and clothing.”

WebMD gives this advice for avoiding heat rash: “Wear fewer layers of clothing. Wear loose clothing that allows airflow. Choose cotton fabrics, which are more breathable.” In other words, if you want to prevent this kind of problem, garment tops are a no-go.

Are garment tops, women’s bodies, and hot, humid weather compatible? While many of us might be getting by fine wearing garments this summer, the reality is garment tops put us at greater risk of overheating and problems like what I experienced. LDS garment tops aren’t a truly acceptable pairing with boobs, bras, and hot weather! Wearing a garment top made the end of my recent birthday truly frightening, and my skin still hasn’t fully recovered.

It’s true that my office should have had AC. But it is also true the heat I was in was not extreme (it was actually an overcast day), and that many LDS women live in places without much AC in more extreme weather than I experienced. I live in one of the coldest large cities in the world. If this is happening to me in Canada, it’s happening even more in other places. And heat rash is just one bad outcome of being overdressed. We could also talk about heatstroke, heat exhaustion, or heat cramps. And even if there are no significant outcomes, wearing garments in summer is make us more uncomfortable and irritable than we need to be. It becomes more of a burden than a blessing to be wearing them.

The AC wasn’t installed in my office for another two and a half weeks. The summer heat only cranked up. Do you think I wore garments to work during this period? It was simply not a safe or healthy environment to do so. Sometimes, for reasons out of our control, garments aren’t an acceptable or safe option, and Church admins need to face this reality instead of continuing to impose strict rules on women’s our personal clothing habits.

It turns out wearing garments isn’t working out well in general where I live this summer. Montreal is breaking temperature records; there are heat warnings and long streaks of days in the 90s with high humidity. It’s a pedestrian heavy city, with fewer cars and lots of time spent walking on the street and sitting in hot underground subway stations. Many apartments don’t have AC. Most people don’t have cars. Wearing garments isn’t simply isn’t comfortable or wise in such conditions!

The current garment policies best accommodate suburban people who spend most their time in air conditioned houses, cars, and offices. Garments are less suited to blue collar high activity jobs outside jobs or other kinds of work in the outdoors, poorer people and urban people without AC or vehicles, and even nature lovers in the summer months.

In a world that is heating up, requiring members of the Church to wear an extra layer of clothing 24/7 year round is a bad idea. Many places and buildings that once faired okay without AC are now hazardous during heat waves, as we’re seeing in the city I live in. To respond to rising temperatures, we need to adapt, and our adaptations shouldn’t assume that all members live some kind of Utahn suburbanite-like life with a car, AC at home, and an office job. The Church should no longer treat wearing garments as something expected outside of the temple. It should make space for members to use their best judgment and treat the practice more like fasting– use your best personal judgment, accommodate your own health, do it when its meaningful and spiritual for you, etc. From what I understand, this would be closer to how garments were originally used. I learned in Mormon Enigma that the saints only started wearing them 24/7 after Joseph Smith was murdered because they were worried about being attacked themselves. Anxiety about being murdered is not a very inspiring reason for this to have become an “all day, everyday” practice. I would like to see the Church consciously work on shedding rigid trauma-based traditions like this one.

We could also discuss the many other ways besides incompatibility with heat and humidity that garments cause health issues. Some people are allergic to the white dyes used to color them. For some women, the lack of airflow to the vulva causes bacterial infection, yeast infections, or vulvar irritation and pain. Others report increased susceptibility to get UTIs. There are many causes for rashes and discomfort and also psychological distress that make garments impossible to wear for many women, beyond what I can name here. The bottom line is that garments aren’t actually inclusive to everyone and don’t really support women’s health. It is time for Mormon women to choose their own underwear, use the garment in the way that is best for them, and be treated as the capable, self-determining adults we are.

Our commitment to our Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ need not rely on symbolic underwear. A couple nights ago while not wearing garments, I felt God draw close. I felt God’s pure love for me for me profoundly, and also God’s appreciation for the love and service I give others. God wasn’t chastising me for any supposedly leader-framed failings such as not wearing my garments. God wasn’t withdrawing the holy ghost or telling me to repent by obeying church leaders concerning such shibboleths. I feel God’s love and approval and receive revelation just as much during times I don’t wear them as when I do. My experience is that God simply doesn’t seem to have the expectations or thoughts that Church leaders have when it comes to this practice.

I have enjoyed and benefitted from symbolism in the Adam and Eve story, and I think garments are a creative, effective idea for a spiritual practice. But I don’t need them to remember, love, serve and draw close to God everyday. (I also resent it when leaders tell me exactly how the should be treated and thought of symbolically as if I’m a young child). I agree with Kaylin Hamilton Conradt in her recent beautifully articulated guest post. She argues that in the garden story, it is clear the garment made for Eve is intended to be a gift, and it should still be experienced as a gift today by using our personal agency. As Kaylin writes: “It was never about how much of Eve was covered or for how long. The garment was a gift of emotional and physical comfort from her loving parents. And as a daughter of Eve, I claim the right to that comfort and reject a compliance-only mindset. I retain the privilege of wearing the garment for what it truly is: a gift of heavenly love.”

Garments should indeed be a gift and blessing all on levels, including physical health and comfort.

As individuals, we can adapt by asserting our rights to wear what is best and safest for us. I assert my right to be fully a part of the Church while also choosing what is best for me to wear according to my health and spiritual needs, which I know best and should have the right to do as an adult woman. I refuse to treat garments as a shibboleth in the Church or my family designating the faithful and elect or as a way others can have any rights to control or judge me or my body.

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Photo by Immo Wegmann on Unsplash.

Oppressing the Widows

Every time I go to an LDS church, I’m reminded that there is still so much work to do. This week, I sat in sacrament meeting listening to talks on Doctrine and Covenants 80-83 (my thoughts on D&C here). These sections are primarily about caring for each other in the church, particularly widows and orphans. So no one thinks I’m calling a specific member out, the talks were fine. Honestly, some of the better ones I’ve heard in a while as they focused on taking care of others instead of temple and prophet worship. The reason my ears perked up at these talks (and my stomach soured) was not the talks themselves but rather, what they reminded me:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds policies in place that actively harm and abuse widows and their children.

Let me say that again. The LDS church, which should by its own scriptures be specifically caring for widows, has doctrines and policies that specifically target and hurt widows and the fatherless.

It’s clear that the canonical Christian God cares deeply about widows:

“Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor.” Zechariah 7:10

“The Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow.” Psalms 146:9

“He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing.” Deuteronomy 10:18

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress.” James 1:27

(Also note the commandment to care for the foreigner…)

The LDS church today breaks this commandment through its doctrines and policies of eternal polygamy. Once again, yes, everything is polygamy.

As I’ve written numerous times, the church still very much believes in polygamy. It’s never formally disavowed polygamy as an unrighteous practice, nor untangled its legacy and what it means for members in the future eternal kingdoms they are working so hard to qualify for. Because despite what members may say, the church absolutely continues to practice eternal polygamy today in its sealing practices.

Sealings are essentially temple marriages which, according to doctrine, bind a couple together as married for eternity. There is no “til death do you part.” Most find this a comforting doctrine and the idea of eternal family units that continue beyond death is beautiful. However, sealings are also directly tied to past and present polygamous practices.

What happens when a spouse, who you’re sealed to forever, dies?

For a man, that’s simple. The church says that a man who loses his wife can be sealed to another wife without issue. Both of the two highest men in the church are in this situation and proudly proclaim to be eternal polygamists, testifying that they will live with both of their wives in the eternities. This pattern can continue if the second, third, or even fourth wife dies. There is no limit to how many wives a man can be sealed to.

For a woman, it’s exceptionally more complicated. If a woman’s husband dies, she cannot be sealed to her next husband. Women may only ever be sealed to one man (because polygamy) and so if she desires to be sealed to her second husband she must have her sealing to her first husband cancelled. Cancelling the sealing is like a divorce but with extremely eternal consequences.

Because the church teaches that the family unit continues after death only if family members are sealed together, a husband who has been divorced from his family due to sealing cancellation now is no longer sealed to anyone, including his own children. Most women, very understandably, don’t want to cancel their sealings to their first husbands if they’ve passed away. They chose to keep that sealing even after they remarry. Her second husband then can never be eternally sealed to her. Now, the second love of her life is left out in the cold, forever separated from her and their children.

Here’s the real kicker—any children that are born to that woman and her second husband are therefore sealed to the first, dead husband. This means that husband number 2 is not only not connected through sealing to his wife in the eternities, his own biological children belong to another man and follow that family unit (again, because polygamy).

Women are forced to make a choice that will literally rip families apart and leave at least one man they loved eternally cut off. Their children must deal with the trauma of not knowing who they belong to in the eternities and that they may lose their own father. Meanwhile, men are allowed to simply grow and grow their eternal family without having to make such heartbreaking decisions. (And force their wives to eternally share him without their consent but that’s another post.)

In a church that constantly preaches temples, covenants, and eternal families, we are horrifically separating and torturing families as sacrifices on the altar of eternal polygamy.

Widows who try to date LDS men frequently report that they are treated as pariahs because men do not want to marry someone that they can’t have their own eternal family with, creating even more heartache. The men who do marry widows are faced with knowing that their own children belong to a stranger and that they will be eternally separated from them and the women they love. It’s little wonder there is grief untold in these families’ stories.

As Carol Lynn Pearson writes in her poignant book, The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy, women are actively harmed by this incredibly sexist imbalance in sealing practices. Widows are hurt directly by the church and its policies. They are forced to endure the agony of choosing between two men they love to spend eternity with and the immense pressure of who to tie their children to. Pearson quotes in her book many stories from every day LDS members living with this very real pain and suffering. (Please go read this book!) You can also find many stories shared online.

Widows—and their children who are affected by this as well—must suffer through extra sorrow and misery that widowers will never have to suffer because of the church’s policies and doctrines of eternal polygamy. This is abusive. The church that is supposed to love and care for widows is instead harming them. And that harm is completely unnecessary given that polygamy is supposedly no longer practiced today (and not even from God in the first place).

But the church hierarchy doesn’t even care. They will simply say (as I know from first hand experience trying to explain this to a general authority) to “just have faith and God will work it all out in the end.” Great, sure. Most of us have a lot of faith that God will make all things right in the end. But don’t you think God is angry that we are actively hurting the people They directly told us to take care of over and over?! Don’t you think it’s a pretty crappy God that allows women to suffer so much turmoil on earth just so Their supposed church can uphold an abusive power structure from the 19th century?! If the church and the Mormon God truly cared about widows—and women in general—they would allow equal sealing practices for men and women.

Optimistic me agrees with Carol Lynn Pearson’s conclusion: that it’s entirely plausible for the church to disavow polygamy as a bad historical practice, similar to the policy of exclusion for black members, and then equalize it’s sealing practices. Everyone could be sealed to everyone, all living together in heaven in one great community of God’s family without borders or possession.

But the cynical part of me fears that will never happen. Because the LDS church has proven time and time again that it must protect polygamy at all costs, both eternal and historical. Their entire foundation of priesthood power and authority IS polygamy. Because if they admit that Joseph Smith made up polygamy and it was never a real commandment, then how can they say they hold God’s authority passed down to them? If they change policies of eternal polygamy to equal sealing practices, then they must answer serious questions about why women are still barred from equal participation in leadership and priesthood. That would challenge their authority as men and the power structures that place them on top. Everything is tied up in the weeds of polygamy, a doctrine the Brethren can’t dismantle without taking out the foundations of the Brighamite movement.

It seems to me the modern day Latter-day Saint church worships power and authority more than it worships God. It cares more about upholding its structures of power than uplifting women, minorities, and LGBTQ+ individuals. If they pull the plug on polygamy, they might drain themselves of authority because polygamy is the main vestige that allows them to discriminate in God’s name and call it holy. Polygamy means that every one who isn’t a white, cisgender, heterosexual man is literally worth less. As Pearson puts it so gut-wrenchingly, 5 pennies of women equal one nickel of a man. When groups of people are doctrinally and eternally less than, it’s okay to continue their oppression. So long as eternal polygamy haunts us, the current hierarchy can continue to justify their sexism, racism, and homophobia because polygamy means there is an eternal hierarchy.

Yesterday the church dropped a new Q&A on polygamy in their gospel topics section. While it does take some steps forward on clearing the air around polygamy, it’s overall disingenuous and misleading, leaving out several critical things I mentioned above. It states that the church no longer practices polygamy but neglects to mention eternal polygamy through sealings. I went to bed angry and woke up angry. This kind of handwaving and half-truths does nothing but further entrenches us in the mud.

Note how in the above section it mentions men being sealed to multiple women and that deceased men/women can be sealed to other dead spouses, but it says nothing about women not being able to be sealed to a second living spouse! Until this is equalized, polygamy will always haunt us. Until the church can admit that polygamy wasn’t ever right or godly in the first place, people will still suffer and struggle under its weight.

You cannot say that no one will be forced into marriage arrangements while allowing men to seal themselves to multiple spouses when the dead can’t give consent. You cannot say that everything will just work out in heaven while you harm widows on earth, forcing them to pick between husbands and who to tie their children to. You cannot say that polygamy is part of the past while sealing practices continue to follow strictly polygamous precedents.

Equalize sealing practices. The current ones only exist to continue to uphold sexist 19th century practices that supposedly we don’t do anymore. Stop making eternity about individual family units and open it up to a wide, diverse family of God that doesn’t require male possession of women and children. Let everyone be sealed together regardless of sex, including same sex couples. Clinging onto polygamy only serves to uphold male power structures and oppress women, minorities, and LGBTQ individuals.