Exponent II's Blog, page 141

Mother’s Day: The Manliest Day of the Year

Sunday was Mother’s Day. As it sometimes can, it brought up feelings of frustration for me. While we pay lip service to mothers and may give them breakfast in bed or a chocolate bar at church, we do almost nothing to recognize any of their power, authority, or divinity. We tell moms that their hard work on earth is seen and appreciated, yet we continue to absolutely ignore them in the eternities.

The first thing I saw on my social media newsfeed Sunday morning was a Mother’s Day message from Russel M. Nelson, already shared, liked and commented on by several of my good friends. I read the first paragraph, and what he said jumped out to me. It read, “I never cease to be amazed that when Heavenly Father created women, He not only gave them the capacity to bring life into the world, but He also endowed them with the gifts required to shape and teach all of us.”



There was no mention of Heavenly Mother, whatsoever, in this thought. What if I had posted something similar, ON MOTHER’S DAY, about my own family?

Me, with a picture of my dad: “I never cease to be amazed by my incredible father, and how when he created me and my sister, he gave us so many of his gifts and talents.”

I know what would happen next. Everyone would say, “Actually, Abby – your MOTHER did a whole lot more work creating you than he did, and it’s literally Mother’s Day, so maybe you should talk about her instead of him right now.” I would sound ungrateful to my mom, and very out of touch with the reality of how childbearing actually works. Dads are great, but they rightfully get almost no credit in the creation of their child, because their part (while critical) is infinitely less demanding physically, emotionally, and mentally than what mothers do.

And yet, President Nelson only talks of Heavenly Father and how he created all of us, apparently all on his own, on Mother’s Day, and many LDS mothers are sharing his words and thanking him for saying them. I honestly don’t understand why we are all okay with this. If we have a Heavenly Mother, then she deserves so much more, especially on the one day set aside each year to honor motherhood.

Later in the morning, I received the card below with two small chocolates from my ward. For a Mother’s Day message, the quote on it felt overwhelmingly masculine. It was from a man (President Gordon B. Hinckley), and said, “You are very precious, each of you, regardless of your circumstances. You occupy a high and sacred space in the eternal plan of God, our Father in Heaven. You are his daughters, precious to him, loved by him, and very important to him. His grand design cannot succeed without you.”




There was also a copy of a painting of a young woman kneeling in communion with her Heavenly Father.


Once again, the message was about Heavenly Father and His eternal plan, and His relationship to the daughters that HE created, with no mention of Heavenly Mother, or Her connection or hopes for Her daughters. And it’s on Mother’s Day – how is this not seen as strange? And why do I often feel like I am the only one around noticing these things?

Several years ago, my ward’s relief society lesson on Mother’s Day was about Joseph and Hyrum Smith. On the one day set aside to honor women specifically, in the women’s organization’s meeting of just women studying the official Relief Society message – it was a lesson about two men. I pointed this out to my bishop in the hallway afterwards, and he said, “Oh. I guess that is kind of weird, isn’t it?” I was so glad that he recognized the strangeness of what had just happened, but it didn’t mean much. We didn’t make the men study the words of two prominent Latter-day Saint women the next month on Father’s Day to balance it out or anything.

The very next year in Sacrament Meeting, we sang, “Oh, My Father” as the closing hymn in Sacrament Meeting. This isn’t unusual, as it’s one of the very few places Heavenly Mother is mentioned explicitly and is thus a popular choice for Mother’s Day services. However, it struck me as frustrating that the hymn we most immediately jump to as being about mothers is literally named after a father. The majority of the song is about our Father in Heaven – being nurtured by Him, learning to pray to Him, learning that you came from His presence, and then at the very end of the third verse Heavenly Mother is mentioned for the very first time.  And she’s only first mentioned as someone in connection with her husband – because Heavenly Father couldn’t be single. That’s not to downplay the importance and beauty of Her being sung about in beautiful lyrics in a worship setting, but it’s to point out how tiny the crumbs are that we’ve come to live off of as women looking for our exalted place in the afterlife. We will happily sing a song about Heavenly Father and call it a Mother’s Day song because Heavenly Mother is mentioned at the very end of it. Where is the song called, “Oh, My Mother”, that actually talks about Her (and Her power and glory and ability to create) for all of the verses? That would be a real Mother’s Day song.

I’ve spent years coming to understand the role that these hidden and almost invisible messages played in determining how I saw myself and other women. If every time a little girl learns about God she’s told it means Heavenly Father, and Heavenly Father alone, she won’t see Heavenly Mother as God-like or powerful. If every time she hears Heavenly Mother discussed at all, it’s whispered and hidden, she’ll see that her intended place is to someday shrink into nothingness and disappear. The way we teach about Mother in Heaven isn’t empowering to any girl. It’s damaging and teaches her that her worth as a female is to be praised with breakfast in bed once a year, then forgotten about for the rest of eternity. Meanwhile, her male peers look forward to becoming Gods and creating universes with numberless children they will have a meaningful relationship with.

I see this clearly every Mother’s Day, and it makes the whole holiday depressing, even if I like being a mom. I have maybe 40 or 50 more Mother’s Days left, where I’ll get a gift or meal, but then after that I’ll become a Heavenly Mother who will basically cease to exist. Every time my children talk about me, they’ll omit me from the story and say that Dad created them (with no help from me, it would seem). It makes me think Mother’s Day is actually just another holiday for the men, not me.

New Language for Outdated Theology: “Salvific Coverture” and Modern LDS Temple Practice

When I sat down to casually read something from the April 2021 Journal of Mormon History, I expected to find something interesting (because, clearly, I am very cool). I did not expect to have one of those rare moments as a reader when I suddenly felt seen and understood. I was given words to describe something for which language had evaded me for years.

The article was, “‘I Would Not Risk my Salvation to Any Man’: Eliza R. Snow’s Challenge To Salvific Coverture,” by Brooke R. LeFevre, a history master’s student at Utah State University. LeFevre worked at the Church History Library on the new Discourses of Eliza R. Snow, and I was pleased to see an article emerging from this project. But as I came to understand the meaning of “salvific coverture”—a term that LeFevre coins and defines—I realized that this article was going to be personally important to me.

As LeFevre explains in the article, “salvific coverture” has two main parts. “Salvific” means something that leads to salvation, and “coverture” refers to the common law practice in which the legal existence of a married woman is suspended and consolidated into that of her husband. Under coverture, women do not have individual rights or legal standing upon which to enter contracts, own property, vote, etc. Their rights are under the protection or “cover” of their husbands. And thus “salvific coverture” refers to “the tendency within Mormonism to believe that female salvation came through the husband to whom she was sealed, that husbands were salvifically responsible for their wife or wives, and/or that a woman could rely on her husband for salvation.”[1]

The focus of the article is how salvific coverture functioned in the public teachings of Brigham Young and his contemporaries, and how Eliza R. Snow challenged these teachings in favor of women taking individual responsibility for their own salvation. While Brigham Young taught, “Let our wives be the weaker vessels, and the men be men, and show the women by their superior ability that God gives husbands wisdom and ability to lead their wives into his presence,”[2] Eliza wasn’t having it.

Eliza R. Snow

Eliza, temple High Priestess and acting General Relief Society President, travelled throughout the Utah Territory speaking to women to train them in the female auxiliaries. She was not a modern feminist, and she regularly deferred to male priesthood leaders, but she did not believe that women could defer to their husbands in the matter of salvation. For example, she said, “Remember, you have to work out your own salvation: neither father, brother, or husband can do it for you. Your eternal existence depends on how you spend your life.”[3]

If you have access to the Journal of Mormon History through a personal subscription or via a university or local library, the entire article is worth a read. To be clear, LeFevre’s argument is limited to public discourse related to salvific coverture by nineteenth century Mormon leaders—she does not detail how it plays out in temple liturgy. But from a personal standpoint, I could see the way that salvific coverture has lingered in Mormon theology and temple practice.

It is hard to overstate the cognitive dissonance I experienced going through the temple in 2008. It was the first time I noticed salvific coverture in Mormon theology. I didn’t have a term to describe what I saw, but it seemed clear that in the Endowment, the Atonement of Jesus Christ was presented as functioning differently for women than for men. After Eve and Adam partake of the fruit and are informed of their consequences, Elohim explains that because Eve partook of the fruit first, she must obey the Law of the Lord and harken unto Adam’s counsel, as Adam must harken unto Elohim and obey the law of Elohim; a Savior would be provided that he [Adam] may return to the presence of God. Eve then covenants to Adam, while Adam covenants to Elohim. Eve does not make covenants with Elohim directly. Her salvation is presented as coming through her obedience to Adam—her husband.

As a twenty-year-old going through the temple for the first time days before my wedding, I was blindsided by this theology. I had understood Jesus Christ to be my personal Savior, and it was disorienting to be instructed that women (whether married or not) covenanted to their husbands instead of God. It was contrary to what I believed about my Heavenly Parents and my relationship to them.

In January 2019, the temple ordinances underwent significant changes that removed much of the overtly sexist language and actions. Now, Eve covenants directly to Elohim, but just as the Ghost of Eternal Polygamy haunts the temple, the concept of salvific coverture lingers on. While previously Eve was anointed to become a queen and priestess unto her husband, she is now anointed to become a queen and priestess in the New and Everlasting Covenant. After spending some time reading D&C 132, I’m not convinced that this is a theological improvement for women. It is still not an equal promise as men are anointed to become kings and priests directly unto God.

For years, I struggled to find anyone who would talk with me about this theology. When I reached out to active, temple-attending members, I would generally be shut down or shamed for finding anything in the temple problematic. I felt gaslit and alone.

Brigham Young

As I studied more of Mormon history, particularly the teachings of Brigham Young and his male contemporaries, I found that I was not misinterpreting the temple ceremony—I was identifying an oft-repeated belief of these men. While some suggest that biological sex in the temple is only symbolic, I can’t accept that interpretation when the theology surrounding biological sex also matches the public teachings of 19th century Mormon patriarchs.

The problem is not academic. There are real-life consequences in Church structure and family dynamics from a theology that holds up heterosexual, married men as the saviors to their wives and children. Bad theology hurts people. It hurts all of us, but especially the marginalized who are left out of the proposed order of heaven altogether.

St. George Utah Temple

LeFevre’s work naming this theology and contextualizing it in framework of legal coverture is helpful in understanding the particular culture of the men who wrote the temple ceremonies. I knew that while the Endowment was introduced by Joseph Smith in Nauvoo in 1842, it was not written down and standardized until Brigham Young directed an all-male committee to do so in 1877 upon the completion of the St. George Temple.[4] I did not realize, however, that even as these men secured their belief of salvific coverture into the ceremony for generations to come, there was an alternative theology being widely preached by Eliza R. Snow.

I can’t help but wonder what the results could have been if Eliza was included in the committee to write the temple ceremonies. Would she have prevailed with her belief that men and women worked out their salvation individually before God? What if the committee was equally composed of men and women?

And today, what if we fully abandoned the notion of salvific coverture and leaned into the idea that all individuals—men, women, nonbinary, and gender minorities—stand before God, every individual dependent upon the Atonement of Jesus Christ for Salvation? If human men were no longer burdened with their entire family’s salvation, would they feel renewed in Christ? Would women better trust in Christ and their own strength? Would this make room for real partnership among all genders? If heteronormativity was not presented as the only way to salvation, could we openly embrace our queer siblings? Could the Church treat unmarried adults as being whole, complete, and loved by God exactly as they are?

The ramifications of removing the vestiges of salvific coverture and really trusting Jesus Christ to be the Savior could be transformative. Healing. I hope for such a time. But in the meantime, I’m resting a little easier in my own mind, no longer searching for the language to describe a concept that I could see but not name. It is such a gift to have new language to discuss outdated theologies.

[1] Brooke R. LeFevre, “’I Would Not Risk My Salvation to Any Man:’ Eliza R. Snow’s Challenge to Salvific Coverture,” Journal of Mormon History 47, No. 2 (April 2021), 52.

[2] Brigham Young, June 15, 1862, Journal of Discourses, 26 vols. (London: LDS Booksellers Depot, 1854-86), 9:308, cited in LeFevre, 58.

[3] Weber Stake Young Women’s Mutual Improvement Association, September 9, 1881, LR 9970 17, cited in LeFevre, 64.

[4] Devrey S. Anderson, The Development of LDS Temple Worship 1846-2000: A Documentary History (Salt Lake City, UT: Signature Books, 2011), xxxi.

Diary of A Non-Tester: Lupus Your Body and You

When it was first suggested that I write about my lupus journey, I at first struggled with what to say about it. In my mind, I could only think about two words. LUPUS SUCKS! Although that would be the shortest blog post in history, I decided to share my experiences during Lupus Awareness Month (May) to raise awareness for this disease that so many persons suffer from around the world.

But what is lupus exactly?

Lupus is a chronic long-term disease that can cause inflammation and pain in the body. It is an autoimmune disease classified by the body’s immune system that usually fights infections attacking healthy tissues instead. Symptoms of lupus include such things as painful and swollen joints, fever, chest pain, hair loss, mouth ulcers, swollen lymph nodes, fatigue I’m the butterfly rash which commonly occurs on the face.

Who gets lupus?

Statistics from the Lupus Foundation of America shows that 1.5 million Americans and at least 5,000,000 people worldwide have some form of lupus. Lupus strikes women mostly of childbearing age however men, children and even teenagers can be diagnosed with lupus. 90% of people living with lupus are women. Lupus is more common in people of color than any other group.

My first interaction with lupus was a friend from childhood who after a long health battle was diagnosed with lupus soon after she turned 11. At that age, it was a disease that many didn’t know of in my country. Less than five years later, I begin my journey with lupus myself.

I’ve been experiencing lupus symptoms for a good chunk of my life. I experienced my first symptom when I was fourteen while visiting my family in Boston. I dismissed what had happened as a figment of my imagination until my sixteenth birthday when I collapsed at my grandmother’s home.

Following years of tests and a lot of money later, I’m a bit closer to figuring out what ails me. I’ve been through every test, been told that my symptoms are all in my brain but after years of uncertainty, I am 99% percent sure that I have a condition called lupus. Now you may be asking why I’m only 99% sure with that 1% of grey area. A few years back, my rheumatologist during one of my appointments explained that I may be one of the few people who have lupus but repeatedly test negative for it even while exhibiting all of the symptoms of the condition.

I often refer to this disease as the “living cancer”. With the right outlook along with the right doctors, insurance policy and medication, it’s quite possible that you can live a long productive life. Still, what is a life with pain anyways? It’s often hard to rationalize how one should set themselves up for a life of pain. What’s it worth to endure well if enduring well is a lifelong sentence?

Knowing this doesn’t keep the lupus worries away. As a non-tester defined by my rheumatologist as someone who has lupus who fails to show a positive result even with all the symptoms presenting themselves, it’s hard to know where I fall on the spectrum. Still, I try my best to muster through life although at a disadvantage. I do my hardest as it relates to my education although, without a positive result, I cannot receive accommodations to make my college experience easier. I try my hardest to stay healthy as it is difficult to afford medical treatment for this disease without insurance. A few years in, due to having the disease, I was dropped by my insurance company). It means that’s for three years I haven’t visited the doctor.

That last paragraph isn’t me pulling a sympathy card or asking for hugs and kisses to make me feel better. Compared to others I’m doing well. Despite the setbacks, I’m in college. Despite the disease, I’ve traveled. In the years since my health challenges began, I’ve been lucky to not have an extended stay in the hospital, unlike others I know. Still, it’s hard as you mourn the loss of your life. Many times, I tell myself that I don’t deserve happiness. As a young single adult, I tell myself that no one they’ll want to marry me and that’s at the baggage that I would bring to a relationship.

Recently in my dating journey, I experienced my first and hopefully last horrible experience in finding acceptance as a lupus sufferer. In the past, my previous boyfriends had always been supportive, even when they didn’t quite understand the disease that took over my life. A long-distance boyfriend in the past often stayed with me during the day like a nursemaid and would report whether I had experienced any seizures during the day to my mother when she arrived home. After that relationship ended, he often checked in daily to ensure that I was doing well. My first serious boyfriend in my early twenties often invited me over to his house, cooked and would accompany me to my mom’s work in the city at the end of the day to ensure that I wouldn’t collapse into oncoming traffic (which has happened before).

During my last relationship (more like a getting to know you period), I walked away feeling more insecure than ever. In the past, lupus had always been a part of me but had never been 100% of who I was as a human being. In this relationship, I was under the microscope and often felt as though my illness was all that individual saw. Still, I can’t blame them. Lupus is a hard disease. Being the caregiver is even harder to deal with than it is for the individual who endures it throughout their lives. Through it all, parents have formed a method to the madness that helps them endure my periods where I am feeling unwell, but they still mourn the loss of my health.

And maybe in some ways I mourn too. I’m mourn happiness. I mourn the last opportunity of a full-ride scholarship to college. I mourn my brain capacity and hate that it takes me much longer to grasp concepts than the average person. I’m mourning my faith and my relationship with God that was so strong in the past but now is so shaky and unreliable. I mourn my teeth that haven’t been strong in years.

More importantly, I mourn myself. Who was I before all of this?

Some days, I wonder if I’ll be happy again even with lupus. I wonder if people like me dealing with such a disease deserve to be happy. I wonder if I’ll find the same things my friends have found. I wonder and hope for the day I don’t have to pretend. I hope that one day that I don’t have to deal with anxiety and depression anymore as a result of something I can’t control.

Most importantly, I pray for a day where I receive a positive result. Then I can be confidently assured that I am a lupus warrior who is proudly dealing with this disease as best as she can.

* this was returned by dictation during a lupus flare on a tiny Caribbean island by a potential lupus warrior

*The month of May is Lupus Awareness Month with May 10th being World Lupus Day

Updated: Free Anti-Racism Course for LDS Sisters starts this Sunday

UPDATE MAY 9, 2021: The next session of this course will begin May 16, 2021 and is the only offering to be given this summer. Registration link for the May 2021 sessions (held on May 16, 23 & 30 at 7pm EDT/4pmPDT) is found by clicking here. 

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A few months ago I came across an invitation for a 3-part series of lessons in Anti-Racism geared toward Latter-Day-Saint Relief Society women.  The workshop is free, offered on 3 Sunday afternoons in a row, and is organized by Dr. Jennifer Keyes Adair, a professor and cultural anthropologist specializing in agency, racism and the learning experiences of children of immigrants. 

I was very interested in the class, and curious about how the topics of racism and white supremacy in Mormonism would be treated over the 3 sessions. I asked two of my friends to join me in the class so we could share what we noticed and discuss over the 3-week period.

Some of the questions we had prior to attending the class were:

Who will be leading these discussions? 

Who will be centered, and whose feelings prioritized? 

Who is the course geared toward, and what is the desired outcome for participants? 

How will the follow-up actions be organized? 

The audience and goals for these lessons of anti-racism are stated in the registration form:  

“This will be a time for non-Black sisters to learn, grow and repent for the ways we have ignored or looked past the everyday stress and trauma of racism, police brutality and other historical and current discrimination in and outside of the church.” 

The three initial classes are led by Dr. Adair (Sister Adair?) “As a white woman, her job is to help white women think deeply about the role of racism and white supremacy in their lives and be a support for women of color who are asked over and over again to explain racism to their white and white passing sisters, family members and friends.” Jenn works in close collaboration with several Black women, including Carrie Knox and Kay Montgomery, who participate and lead in the 3 initial workshops. “This session is meant to help white people take responsibility for racism and is a stepping stone to larger gatherings that are planned and led by Black and Black bi-racial LDS women that started in September 2020 and will continue throughout 2021.” 

Many Black and Black bi-racial women attended the sessions and offered feedback and context for the discussions. “Women of color are invited to participate and stay after to give critique and share thoughts.” The Black and Black bi-racial women who structured the content and were quoted in the course were compensated for their time and labor. 

The words and experiences of Black women were first and foremost. Prior to attending the course, Non-Black and non-Indigenous Latter-Day Saints committed to “approach the discussion with apology and humility.” In relation to promoting peace, “As white and non-Black, non-Indigenous Latter-Day Saints who would like to live in peace, coming to terms with our own role in racial discrimination is an important part of whether we will see peace or not.”

The course was a combination of instruction from Jenn, Carrie, Kay, and others, breakout room activities for small group discussions, reflective questions and silent journaling. 

The syllabus for the three sessions is as follows: Week One will focus on Black women’s accounts of anti-blackness as well as their advice to white and non-Black women starting to uproot white supremacy. Week Two will focus on how Black women’s experiences coming to church (those Dr. Adair has specifically been asked to share). Week Three will focus on being called out by the Black community and what it means to speak up and follow the lead of the Black community with determination and humility. In week three, participants are connected to smaller working groups based on state and city.  

Those who have completed the three sessions are invited to participate in the national meetings and on a collaborative Slack channel that organizes future groups by region and into various passion projects. 

Reflections on the course:

By Michelle Franzoni Thorley, Mexican-American artist and anti-racism educator: “Anti-racism work can be overwhelming. This 3 week class was a perfect intro. Each class built upon the last. As a woman of color, I recommend this class to my white family members to help them understand my experiences better and to also help them be allies in their wards and communities. I really wish every member would have to take this class before getting a temple recommend.” 

By Violadiva, “As a white woman, I appreciated hearing truths, the difficult, uncomfortable truths, shared during the meetings in a spirit of love, trust and vulnerability by the Black sisters speaking. I was grateful for follow-up actions and meetings to steer my motivation and eagerness into the next steps, and very glad that the future initiatives are Black-led and based on the advocacy needed. I especially noticed the atmosphere of humility and desire to improve, not by performative strokes of ego on part of Jenn or other white coordinators, and how she publicly asked for and invited correction from the Black women several times in each session. This showed me that the class was not a space to cater to white comfort or feelings, that racial literacy and stamina was being developed by everyone, and that modeling cultural humility and learning is ongoing for everyone – including her. This example helped me see ways to make my advocacy for anti-oppression progress in the church more impassioned and effective. When I asked for their consent to share the registration info on this blog, she replied, “Please share the info with your readers – we want as many to participate as are willing.” 

By Ramona Morris, the SassyDay Saint and influencer running ldsvisibiltyproject on IG, “I think this is a perfect way to start talking about the hard things. I think a lot of white people get in the space where they’re comfortable in their whiteness, especially members of the church, and they really struggle to see anything outside of what is normal to them. I would recommend it because it puts the introductory steps for them to learn about people who aren’t of their race. And this isn’t the place where the learning should end – there needs to be participation in the larger group afterward as a way to hear the voices of the marginalized groups, and their testimonies of what they’ve endured as a member of the church. It will be helpful to put names and faces to the stories of marginalization, and not just go back to old habits or performative actions. I think it’s a good place to start, and then ask ourselves ‘What are we doing after that? The work on the inside has to keep going” 

From all three of us, we unanimously recommend this course to our white and non-Black LDS sisters, family members, ward members and friends. 

The next session of courses begins THIS SUNDAY, May 16, 2021 and registration is open until May 15, 2021.  

To register for the course and get the zoom link to participate, fill out this Google form by the end of May 15, 2021. Follow-up contact and meeting info is sent after registering.  

I Have Failed… But I’m Not A Failure

Staring back at me were three “F” letters and in my eyesthose signalled that I was three times the failure

Before I joined the church four years ago, I would’ve never considered myself much of a crier. As a young child, I remember only crying when I got into my dream school after taking my school placement exams (Common Entrance Examinations) when I was 11-years old.

I found that as the years rolled by, that I cried only when I got into trouble or in the rare occasion when someone died. It meant that by the time I graduated high school at age 16, I had already become a master of emotional regulation.

This all changed when I became a member. I’d like to think that somehow, I had found a way to tap into the emotions I had suppressed during my teenage years.

 I soon found that this was a double-edged sword which had the power to inflict more emotional trauma than I ever thought possible. Less than a year into my membership, nosy members sought me out as their target for possible matchmaking with available boys who attended sacrament meetings. Although their intentions were pure, the anxiety left in its wake left deep scars which I hope one day will heal entirely.

I remember fondly one such experience where I felt like a complete failure after my branch president at the time suggested that I not return to Barbados single following two trips in 2018 during the midsts of mourning my grandmother’s death. Returning without a prospect for marriage meant that in their eyes my entire trip had been wasted and I was more likely to become one of the “left-over women” who were extremely unlucky in love and couldn’t seem to find Mr. Right.

It didn’t matter that I had always been a strong, independent woman who valued her freedom. It didn’t matter that I had always marched to the beat of my own drum. What mattered most was that in the eyes of others, I had become “lesser-than” simply because I had failed to secure “time and all eternity”. I didn’t matter that I hadn’t seen anyone who was my type. All that mattered in my eyes was that I had failed.

And so…I cried. I cried a lot.

 Although I can’t turn back the hands of time, I recognize that I simply can’t handle failure that well. When I believe that I haven’t done my best, I tend to take the path of self-sabotage and undo all the work I’ve accomplished in other areas, so I don’t feel the dull ache of letting myself and others down.

Now, although I know I am the Latter- Day Saint Bridget Jones when it comes to romance, failure in spiritual matters can sometimes be the hardest trials we have to overcome. In my short time as a member, I have heard countless stories from women (and a few men) about what they assumed were their own shortcomings. Most of the times, these self-inflicted thoughts can be so damaging in every aspect of their lives and without the mindset to change their thinking, these negative thoughts will continue with them until they believe in themselves.

Recently, I had my own experiences with this. Back in February, my family and I (excluding our four pupperinos) contracted Covid-19. Before my exposure, my grades were extremely good. However, after three weeks of bedrest trying to recover, I realized that no matter how hard I tried that I couldn’t concentrate on the assignments.

To add insult to injury, I could barely sit upright for more than five minutes at a time. Two of my instructors were super understanding and tried their best to help but with a body on the mend, I had to put my own health over my education.

Week by week, my grades plummeted, and I was unable to complete my final exams. I thought of so many things during this time. I thought about the fact that I couldn’t afford to retake these classes. I thought about how much I had let myself down and how much I had let my parents down as well.

   It didn’t matter that my parents understood. It didn’t matter that they said that I could retry at another time.

In my eyes, I had failed. I was a failure. I had failed. Me… Momo. On the day when I realized I had failed all three classes, I called myself such horrible names. Then I self-sabotaged by closing my emotions off.

  It was only that night when my parents inquired about my grades that I finally broke down. My dad hugged me tight and told me it was okay.  Still… I only heard all those awful words.

 I recognize that now after all that I’ve endured that if it ever comes down to my health over any achievement, that I will choose my health each and every time. Still, I realize that doesn’t mean the sting gets easier to accept… in fact it may just get harder.

 The lesson that I have discovered here, is to see myself as someone who has failed.. but who isn’t a failure. I’ve learned that I need to be kind to myself and to trust in my ability to succeed.

Especially in this uncertain time, the best lesson we can learn is to be kind to ourselves. Failure is not our final destination… it’s simply a roadblock on a path of winding roads throughout our life. If we find the strength to overcome and muster through, we will find that these temporary setbacks only bring us to greater successes in the future.

The Chosen Man

Guest Post by Jamie Stokes. Jamie is a reader, runner and writer based in Salt Lake City, Utah.

The idea of a “chosen one” abounds in today’s pop culture. The growth of the Marvel Universe speaks to how much we like stories about human beings who are special, endowed with powers to use for good or evil. “Stan culture”, in which fans follow celebrities so closely it amounts to devotion, is also evidence of our belief in singular, extraordinary individuals.

In the secular landscape, the chosen can be male, female or non-binary, trans or cis, any race. Beyonce, Harry Styles, LaVerne Cox, Ariana Grande, BTS, Taylor Swift, and Lill Nas X are good examples of the diverse array of people who might be “stanned,” worshipped and followed.

We cement idols in our own image. If many types of people are deemed preternaturally cool, stylish and talented, our hope perseveres that someday, we might be too. In a capitalist framework, hero worship is evidence that working a little harder may allow us to be chosen by the masses — celebrated and richly rewarded. Whether or not you believe an economic meritocracy actually exists anywhere in practice, the idea of it at least finds its root in some sort of egalitarianism. Anyone could theoretically be “chosen” if they possess enough vision and drive.

Ancient myths and modern religions also speak to humanity’s fascination with special, chosen groups and individuals. This time, though, the choosing is done by God. This time one’s religious context may significantly impact whether or not they believe they can be chosen to be a special witness of God. In the specific Mormon context, it appears that God’s choice is often predicated on gender.

In thinking about who Mormons believe has been chosen by God throughout history, the most obvious example who comes to mind is Jesus Christ, the Son of God in the flesh. Obviously a man on earth, but perhaps not essentially so. His status as half-man half-God means that he was both chosen by God but also capable of doing the choosing himself. In our records of him, Jesus appears to have been inclusive in his selection of with whom to share his messages. He revealed who he was for the first time to a woman, the woman who we know simply as the woman at the well. Mary Magdalene was the first person to view Christ risen from the dead and walking.

Jesus was rather progressive for His time in who He chose to be special messengers and witnesses. According to most readings of the King James Bible, however, He selected only men to be His apostles. Perhaps the stories of female apostles were scrubbed by the men who wrote the Bible, perhaps men were chosen because of what would have been culturally accepted at the time or perhaps men were the most inherently qualified due to their being men. Either way, such choices, whether heaven or culture-based, have left a long legacy on Christianity and the Mormon Church.

Although we rely heavily on the Bible for our understanding of Christ’s church as it existed in His day, we also rely heavily on the Doctrine and Covenants and testimony of the Church’s founding members for our understanding of who God chooses. In every sense of the implication, we believe Joseph Smith was chosen by God to lead a restoration of His church. As a 14 year old boy, Joseph spoke to God and Jesus Christ who told him that none of the current churches were entirely correct, and that Joseph would be the leader of a new one.

Would Joseph’s questions have been answered if he had been a 14 year old girl? The teachings of our faith express that God is no respecter of persons. The God I believe in would answer the questions of a girl. But the very organization of the Church, the passing of the prophetic mantle from man to man to man, the images of eight men witnessing golden scriptures, and the dearth of women at the top of Church leadership lead me to believe maybe Joseph had to be a boy to get his questions answered. After all, only a boy could start a new Church.

Perhaps this isn’t really God’s fault at all. Maybe, as a resurrected Christ appeared to Mary, God continues to appear to women,but because they are women, people simply don’t believe them. We’re more inclined to take a man’s word for his wisdom than a woman’s. Joseph may have been branded as a heretical witch if he had been Josephine. Even in today’s Mormon culture, we understand men and women as having the same ability to bear witness of Christ, but women are not entitled to use their witness to wield authority in quite the same way men use theirs.

Men derive authority from priesthood power, which men officially hold and women don’t. Many wonderful interpretations of women’s relationship (or lack thereof) to the priesthood have been written, so I hardly need to re-till supple ground. An element of those arguments that I think is often forgotten is what priesthood power means for one’s relationship with God and one’s potential understanding of Him.

In the early days of the Church, it was men who reported seeing Elijah and Peter, James and John. Women often joke that they wouldn’t want the extra responsibility of handling the priesthood, but who wouldn’t want to meet Peter, the rock on whom the Church would be built? Peter returned to Earth to restore the priesthood, and because women weren’t getting it, they had no need to be there.

Similarly, bishops and stake presidents talk about learning from God and seeing people as He does. While such lessons may be open to everyone in theory, the intensive internship portion of the class is only open to men because of the priesthood power they hold. Men have the opportunity to teach and lead with authority, to leave a prophetic legacy that is studied for years and to speak for God. Women are counseled that their personal revelations are not to be publicized as guidance for others.

The question of whether or not women have the priesthood is also, inadvertently, a question of who God wants to formally work with. Who does God want to mentor? Who will He allow to have opportunities to know Him better? My status as a girl and then as a woman means I am not ordained to the priesthood, and therefore won’t need to be in the room when men formally talk to God. I might be chosen for a scholarship, for an award, to perform this essay as a monologue, but I will not be chosen by God to be a bishop, stake president or mission president. As it stands, the Church wants me to nurture my own children, but doesn’t want me to have a formal role in nurturing His. Even in my own home, with my own children, the authority I have is limited by the power my husband has to “preside” over our family.

I know God loves me. The Church tells me God loves me. But elements of Church structure sure make it seem like He doesn’t trust me for some reason.

As a Little Child

At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, ‘Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.’

Matthew 18:1-3

We’re told often that we should become as little children. Usually this means to sit down, be quiet, and take whatever comes our way. Anyone who uses those qualities to describe children hasn’t spent much time around them.

I’ve spent most of my adult life teaching primary. I’ve probably spent more time in primary than in Relief Society. Those kids keep me on my toes. The quality that I have most observed from children is that they ask hard questions and aren’t afraid to keep asking for more information if they’re not satisfied with the initial answer. If we want to become as little children, we should do likewise.

One of the most common questions frustrated adults hear from a toddler is “Why?”. Children are little philosophers. And they’re not satisfied with “Because I said so.” They want reasons. And then when they hear the reason, they want a reason for the reason, and a reason for that reason. Just as children ask questions, we should, too. After all, the church started because a teenage boy had a question.

Whenever the children in my class ask me a question I don’t know the answer to, I give them the respect of telling them that I don’t know. Then I help them figure out how to find the answer. Sometimes we look it up in the scriptures to see. Sometimes I ask them what they think. Sometimes I suggest that they ask their parents. And sometimes I look the answer up during the week and come back with it next week. But what I don’t do is tell them to stop asking questions.

Questions can sometimes be uncomfortable, especially if they hit at the heart of some of our assumptions. But if we want to become as a little child, we need to keep asking them. Such is the kingdom of heaven.

In no specific order, some questions that I would like an answer to:

We’re taught at church that the blessings that come from the sealing to a spouse are so important that a sealing isn’t dissolved upon divorce without going through a major process. What are those blessings? And if they’re so important that we keep people who aren’t married anymore and who don’t like each other bound to one another, why can’t we also grant those blessings to the never-married?Why can’t the sacrament be blessed by telephone or over a Zoom call? If we can offer baptism to the deceased, why can’t we offer the sacrament to single women in a pandemic?There are things we look back on in history in horror, wondering how people could have behaved in such an ignorant and/or counterproductive way. What are we doing today that people will look back on in a century with the same horror? What can we do to identify and correct that behavior now?How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Young Women Lesson: How Can the Holy Ghost Bless Me Every Day?

In my opinion, this lesson has the potential either to be deeply affirming and encouraging, or to be utterly alienating.  Of course that might be said of any lesson.  But when we study the manifestations of the Holy Ghost in the scriptures, one takeaway might be that no one you have ever met has had an experience like that.  Who among us has had a “cloven tongue like as of fire” sitting on you? (Acts 2:3)  In 3 Nephi 19 we read that what the people “desired most was that the Holy Ghost should be given them” (v.9) but then what follows includes being encircled by fire and multitudes of angels descending and ministering.  While many of us might have earnestly desired the Holy Ghost, the angel part is not relatable on a personal level.  Even the passages that list the various forms the Spirit might take (diversity of operations, prophesy etc.) can feel like a list of talents you don’t have.  So.  I think it is important to try to steer this in a positive, relatable direction.

One way of thinking about the Holy Ghost and the Gifts of the Spirit that I have found to be useful is to relate it to the pop psychology book “The Five Love Languages.”  The author of this book posits that people express love and feel loved through “languages” like gift giving, touch, quality time, acts of service and words of affirmation.  For example, perhaps your partner is someone who says “I love you” by doing service – washing your car, doing the dishes, picking up items at the store.  But if that is not your love language (perhaps you need someone to pay compliments and to frequently say “I love you”) then all that service won’t be sending the message your partner thinks it is.  I don’t intend to digress further into the topic, I just wanted to give a little overview in case some readers are not familiar with this book.

I think it can be helpful as we read lists of the gifts of the Spirit to think of them in terms of “Spirit languages” – some people feel the Spirit strongly in contexts that others really don’t.  The Holy Ghost does not work through people in the same way, but one manifestation is not more valuable than another.  The important thing is to figure out your own “Spirit languages” – how you can hear/feel the Holy Ghost, and how the Holy Ghost works through you.  These may or may not be the same.

Read Galatians 5:22-23 and write the fruits of the spirit on the board: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (I’m using the ISV not KJV here for clarity).

Where or when do you feel peaceful/kind/joyful/patient/good/gentle/self-controlled?

Encourage students to write their answer, or draw it, in a notebook or on a sheet of paper.  Some students do better if they have more time to process their ideas before sharing.

Invite sharing.

(Do not value any answer over another – encourage thinking beyond “seminary answers” though of course those are acceptable too.)

Answers might include:

When I am alone


When I am with people I love


When I am in nature


When I am in my home


When I am at Church


When I am in the Temple


When I listen to specific music


When I am playing music


When everything around me is quiet


When my body and mind are still


When my body is moving and I feel less distracted

I imagine your class will think of many more – my point here was to highlight that there can be outright opposites from person to person.  If those opposites don’t appear organically in the class, write them on the board anyway.  It’s likely that at least one student felt like they would be “wrong” if they gave a different answer. There isn’t a right and wrong to this, there is only “I feel….”

Have you ever felt a prompting, or as if your question to God was answered? If so, how? Again, give them time to process.  Repeat it if necessary.  Again, write the answers on the board.

When reading scriptures


When reading a book (not necessarily church related)


A friend said something that made me think


While I was praying I felt like I had an answer


I just had a good feeling about something.


I had an ucky feeling about something.


I felt like I should call a friend or talk to ______ about it


The answer on the test just came to me

When have you done something that you felt “I bet that made God happy.” If students just don’t feel like anything they’ve done “Made God Happy” modify the question – what kind/patient/forgiving etc. thing did you do that felt good?

(This may well tie in to the Love Languages ideas – after all, God is love and the way we are inspired to show that love may fall along similar lines.)

I felt great at the service project.


I felt great in the Temple.


I felt great when I showed good sportsmanship toward the other team.
I felt great when I thanked my Dad for cooking dinner.


I felt great when I hugged my sister when she was crying.


I loved making a card for _______.  


Secret Santa felt wonderful


I visited my grandma and just listened to her and held her hand.  I know it made her feel better.

Armed with all this information, I think you are well placed to then enter the question of the Holy Ghost as it is discussed in the scriptures and the lesson manuals. Work with the definitions there to tie them to the manifestations you already see in your class.  Some examples follow:

Corinthians 12

v. 8  The Word of Wisdom – you knew the right thing to say to your brother in that moment

v. 8  The Word of Knowledge – you felt like your studying paid off and you had answers pop into your remembrance.

v. 9 The Gift of Faith – I felt a confirmation that Jesus Christ is my Savior

v. 9 The Gift of Healing – I was able to comfort my sister after our dog died

v. 10 – Working of Miracles – This is trickier – a miracle is in the eye of the beholder.  Perhaps a family rift was healed that seemed irreparable, or prayers for healing of a loved one were answered.

v. 10 – Prophecy – To be a prophet means to offer witness of Jesus Christ.  You don’t need to foretell the future. This is not the same thing as being the Prophet.

v. 10 – discerning of spirits.  I knew that I should not go on that date, or that these kids would not be good friends for me to spend time with.  I knew that man at the bus stop was bad news.

v. 11 – diverse kinds of tongues.  Perhaps you learn languages easily.  Perhaps you have the right thing to say come to you, or you’re able to explain your testimony well even though usually you feel shy.

v. 12 – interpretation of tongues.  Perhaps you can understand what someone is trying to tell you, or you know how someone feels even if they don’t have the words to say it.

All these work by the selfsame spirit.  

I want to close by sharing my own experience with this.  Not because I think you should share it with your class, but because perhaps it’ll get your juices flowing as to how you can express your own relationship to the Spirit.  A few months ago I was desperately low.  I struggle with depression and anxiety, and neither therapy nor my drug cocktail at the time was sufficient.  One morning I was reading the scriptures in desperation, feeling absolutely nothing whatsoever.  Just utterly numb inside.  I felt a prompting “Call Hilary.”  So I did.  We are not super duper close – we virtually never chat on the phone.  But I asked “can you talk?” and we did for about twenty minutes and she helped me feel better about my spiritual numbness.  After that I felt like I should tell my ministering brother and his wife what I am feeling, and ask them to pray on my behalf.  Why? Because honestly, I’m not faithy.  I don’t have enough faith to think God is going to answer my prayers.  But theirs? Yes.  In other words, while my Gift of Faith may be weak, my Gift to Have Faith on the Testimony of Others is not.  And I kid you not, within a day or two my body adjusted better to my drugs and I began an upswing.  My point with this story is that it could be easy to say that I have the “crummy” gifts.  I don’t have faith, I have the believe in other people’s faith.  Secondhand faith.  I don’t have the answer.  I have the gift of knowing whom to call.  But here’s the thing.  I got what I needed from God.  I heard what I needed to hear and I got the healing that I needed.  My gifts are not in any sense lesser or weaker.  Arguably it takes a certain amount of courage to need to admit weakness to other people in order to receive the answers, instead of being able to get answers in my bedroom.  One gift isn’t better than the other.  Having more gifts than another person does not matter.  Our gifts may change over the course of our lives.  What matters is learning that we are already hearing the Spirit, and are already acting by the Spirit, we just need to recognize it so we can do so more often.

The Insufficiency of Obedience Discourse

Seven Virtues by Francesco Pasellino

Recently my husband decided to start subscribing to the paper versions of all the church magazines. Out of curiosity I took a look, and I’m happy to report that the Liahona and Friend did a good job of featuring inclusive stories of Latter-day Saints from around the world. I was less enthused by the January 2021 For the Strenth of Youth magazine, which was less global in its scope and had an article called “Hear, Hearken, and Heed.”

Now it could be that I’m just automatically turned off by the word “hearken.” As someone who went through the temple twenty years ago, I had been wounded by that word and the way it was used against women. So I read this very short article about hearing, hearkening, and heeding the teachings of the Lord and the Lord’s servants with my hackles slightly raised. And this focus on obedience — because, really, those three H words when used together are ultimately centering on the idea of obedience — left me feeling disappointed.

Mormonism has various rhetorics of morality, but obedience rhetoric is certainly strong in these latter days: obey the prophets, obey the Lord, obey church leaders. Be blessed if you do.

But obedience messages don’t inspire me. They don’t lead to spiritual maturity, to moral maturity. They don’t help me to think bigger and more expansively. They don’t help me to reach beyond myself and love more generously. They don’t help me to become a stronger, more centered person. They don’t encourage me to thoughtfully tackle difficult issues and dig deep for my best self. Doing good things just because you’ve been commanded to by prophets — and because you’ll get blessed if you do and get punished if you don’t — isn’t sufficient moral development for me.

In my ideal world, my church community would deemphasize obedience rhetoric. I especially want this for my children, who are young teens and tweens. I hope my kids will become deeply moral people, guided by conscience, principle, and their best selves — not by facile directives to obey church leaders. Obedience rhetoric largely locates moral decision making outside the self. It’s external. It’s the “When the brethren have spoken, the thinking has been done” kind of approach. I’m more attracted to Joseph Smith’s ideas about teaching correct principles and letting people rule themselves. I want my kids’ moral centers to be located internally within them, centered on core understandings of good principles like fairness, compassion, love, and equality that they embrace and believe in.

One possible discourse that could steer us away from an incessant focus on obedience is that of virtue ethics. When one employs a virtue ethics lens on a situation, one doesn’t ask “What’s the rule?” (which is what obedience discourse bends people towards). Rather, one asks, “What kind of person do I want to become? What action will help me live up to the principles and virtues I admire?” When a person embraces virtue ethics, rules become far less important and developing virtues like courage, compassion, and love take center stage. In the musical Les Miserables, Jean Val Jean’s song, “Who am I?” is grounded in virtue ethics. He makes his decision to turn himself in based on his determination to be a certain kind of moral person. Javert, on the other hand, has a moral viewpoint grounded in rules and obedience.*

One important aspect of virtue ethics is its focus on process, development, and practice. One becomes a courageous person by practicing courage. One becomes a person of integrity by practicing integrity. Habituation and conscious effort to develop oneself are key. Elder Uchtdorf has hit on virtue ethics when he emphasizes the importance of practice, development, and process in our quest to become compassionate and kind people who are disciples of Christ.

Another possible moral discourse I would love to see supersede obedience rhetoric is the rhetoric of integrity. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife has articulated this idea beautifully (and with great nuance), arguing that what we should want for our kids and for ourselves is the development of integrity, which involves making moral decisions based on one’s own sense of right and wrong and correct principles, even if it puts a person in opposition to her community.  Finlayson-Fife points out that obedience discourse can put up important guardrails, but it cannot foster sufficient moral development. “You can’t obey your way into adulthood or selfhood,” she says.

Ultimately, for me, a focus on obedience is fundamentally insufficient. We don’t become our best selves when we are trained to export our moral decision making to others, when being good and doing good is located in docility to rules and leaders. I prefer moral decision making to arise from core values and principles, from determinations to be people of kindness, courage, and integrity . This may mean that people ultimately go in different directions with their moral decision making. Principles guide people as they work through issues, but they don’t always point to one exact behavior or destination. Certainly, if homogenous behavior is what you want, obedience discourse will be more effective. But in the end, growth, development, and moral and spiritual maturity are better facilitated when we allow people to work through competing goods and various principles and come to decisions that resonate with their own sense of godliness.

 

*While I critique a focus on rules and obedience, I want to acknowledge that many rules can be pretty good. I’ve always been impressed by Kant’s categorical imperative to never treat another person as a means to an end, but to instead treat them as an end in and of themselves.

Samoan Election Promises First Female Prime Minister

For almost 40 years, the same political party had had power in Samoa, but the current election is now in a deadlock, thanks to a group of amazing women.

 

Fiame Naomi Mata’afa speaking at the Advancing Gender Justice Programme BRIDGE training workshop, in Samoa, 19 January 2014.

Fiame Naomi Mata’afa, is the current leader of the F.A.S.T. party Fa’atuatua i le Atua Samoa ua Tasi (roughly translated to  ’Faith in the One True God’), and is a former deputy prime minister. She is matai (high chieftess), and comes from a powerful Samoan lineage: Her father was prime minister from 1959 to 1970 and her mother was a diplomat, educator and politician

 

Let’s summarise the hot stuff:

 

In 2016 there was a 50-seat Parliament – an extra seat was added in order to meet one of the thresholds required by the country’s constitution. Called Article 44 (1A), it requires that a minimum of 10 per cent of parliament’s seats be occupied by women. As a result, two seats were added to ensure there was enough female representation.A significant portion of the Samoan economy is traditionally based on remittances, though that has declined over the past decade.A renewed diaspora campaign led by Samoan women breathed life into the F.A.S.T. party, currently making the election a deadlock—each political party holds 26 seats.The election comes down to three bills that were introduced in the Fono. These bills each address the three most important parts of Samoan society: customary lands, the traditional institutions of ‘Aiga (family) and the traditional institution of the matai.If elected, Fiame Naomi Mata’afa will be the first female Prime Minister in Samoa. (the incumbent male party leader is playing dirty by spreading rumours – Fiame’s classy response is here.) (And let’s be honest, I love that her middle name is Naomi because of the religious significance and history of the biblical Naomi.)

 

A great summary of this political situation is here and here.

 

A little more than 7% of the Samoan population is LDS; the church is a party of most community activities, such as reported here. The F.A.S.T. party holds a weekly (religious) fast each Saturday. Feel free to join in!  Last week’s is here.

 

The election has yet to be announced, but keep you eyes open for news on this magnificent woman!