Douglas Cootey's Blog, page 7

Three-Digit Phone Number for Suicide Prevention Signed into Law

A few weeks ago, local Utah politicians (Rep. Chris Stewart and Sen. Orrin Hatch) helped get a suicide prevention bill onto President Trump's desk that he signed into law. It tasks the government with creating a three-digit number that works as a shortcut to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) for suicide and mental health crises, much like 911 for medical emergencies. It also authorizes an investigation into the effectiveness of both the lifeline and the Veteran Crisis Line.

If you would like to see changes to either of these services, now is a very good time to contact your congress critters and give them your feedback.

Without comment, President Donald Trump signed into law on Tuesday legislation sponsored by Rep. Chris Stewart and Sen. Orrin Hatch, both Republicans, to require the Federal Communications Commission to study the feasibility of such a hotline. 

It is also ordered to recommend which three-digit number would be best for the hotline, examine the effectiveness of the current National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Veterans Crisis Line, and recommend ways to improve the current system. 

Stewart and Hatch hailed the new law and said it is long overdue. 

“We now have the opportunity to make the National Suicide Prevention Hotline more accessible and easier to remember,” Stewart said. “By creating a hotline dialing code that is short and easy to remember, we are taking an important step towards potentially averting tragedy. This new law truly has the ability to save lives."

More can be read here, here, and here.

Helping to Prevent Suicide Only Takes Moments

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. This means that your social media timelines will suddenly be filled with celebrities sharing the national hotline. The cynic in you may roll your eyes. These celebrities will care very, very deeply in 280 characters; lots of their "show somebody you care" posts will gets thousands of likes and reposts, but where were they on August 31st? Where will they be on October 1st? Chasing a new cause, probably. Mounting their social media steed and charging to the next virtue signal over the hill beyond while shouting, "Don't forget to like and retweet!"

With the sea of hotline tweets will come angry killjoys ranting about how these celebrities don't really care, or they don't care enough, or those hotlines are terrible and they trace your call and alert the police so don't call them guys!

It can all be a bit much.

Personally, I think it's wonderful that celebrities take time out to share the national hotline with their followers. Even if the celebrity doesn't care (and who are we to decide that from the moral might of our phones & keyboards), that number will be seen by millions of users. Surely somebody out there needs to see it. The problem with suicide prevention is that we find out about the problem when it's too late to do anything about it. Broadcasting the national suicide prevention hotline can only be a good thing.

But, the detractors have a point. Sometimes, a call to a call center isn't what a person needs. Sometimes they need a strong emotional network to rely on.

This is why I encourage you to touch base regularly with people that you know who struggle with depression. Don't put them on the spot, shouting, "Don't kill yourself! Your life has meaning, my dude!" They're not going to appreciate you confronting them like that. From my own experience, telling people you want to end your life is a very hard thing to do. It can be terrifying, in fact. Being silent is the easiest solution as a result of that fear. There's no rejection and no recrimination that way. Unfortunately, shutting others out is exactly the wrong thing to do. The dark voices echo louder in a mind that is isolated and alone.

Instead, play the long game. Take a moment out of your day every few days to keep that contact healthy. Gently check in on how they're doing, and be patient. Not every person who suffers from depression also struggles with suicidal ideation, but how are you to tell? Keep in mind that the depressive you talk with might smile and tell you everything is hunky-dory. This is why you need to regularly touch base with them. Only over time can you establish a rapport that is built on trust. Otherwise, you're just checking in on them with all the compassion of a dock worker checking off a shipping manifest.

By establishing a relationship, they may turn to you when their thoughts take a dark turn. Obviously, you are not responsible for the choices that they make, but if you do your best to offer a life line, and you are sincere, they just might grab ahold.
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I've written a book that gives insight into how the suicidal mind thinks by using old blog entries of mine as test cases. Each chapter covers different ways that suicidal ideation manifests itself, but offers tips and suggestions for both those who struggle, as well as their loved ones. You can buy or rent it here.

Shaking Things Up to Fight Depression

*Feeling like the daily grind is getting you down? I felt that way lately, and here’s how I turned things around. *

One sign of depression is that you lose interest in things that you used to find engaging. This is different than an ADHD whiplash pivot into a new pursuit. It’s more like your love for a favorite pastime dies with a weary sigh. I’ve been through that type of phase many times in my life. I gave up reading Science Fiction & Fantasy once. Stopped enjoying anime for many years. Stopped watching favorite TV programs here and there. I even stopped playing the tinwhistle, something I have enjoyed since Sailor Moon and Lisa Frank rocked my daughters’ world. These were all activities I did daily, then suddenly didn’t.

Usually, these changes happen slowly. I can’t pinpoint, for example, what day I stopped playing the tinwhistle for a few years. It might have been the month of my divorce when I moved into my own place. I do remember the sound of the tinwhistle felt too loud in that empty apartment, but I don’t recall making the decision to put it away. One day I realized that I hadn’t played the whistle in months, apathetically shrugged, and moved on. Fortunately, I’ve learned to manage this aspect of depression.

I happily play the whistle now, along with my ocarinas. In fact, I’m playing the tinwhistle at my oldest daughter’s wedding tomorrow. I’m a bit nervous because I’m playing solo with three different whistles for each key change. That’s a first time for me, but I’m happy to share this skill with my girl on such a beautiful day.

However, I’ve been depressed this Summer. Very lackluster & listless. I suppose ennui has cast a shadow over my life. I can’t think of a single even that may have triggered this latest bout. Instead, I’m just down overall.

Sometimes there isn’t a good reason why we are depressed.

Fighting Depression

So I decided to do something about it. Instead of drifting off aimlessly, I decided to identify which activities I was losing interest in, and which activities I wish I was doing more of. We can get chained by the shackles of our routines, leaving us feeling obligated to things that don’t lift our spirits. If we’re not careful, the activities that shout at us loudest take priority, silencing the voices of activities that we used to enjoy. I wanted to avoid that this time around.

I didn’t want to do anything radical. I simply wanted to shift my time a bit in order to make a change that would lift my spirits. It’s a mixture of points 6–8 in my Depression: Ten Ways to Fight It Off[1] article:

Change Your Surroundings: I decided to take a social media vacation. This was big. Social media is where I interact with other adults like myself. As a stay-at-home dad/author, I live a solitary existence. I decided to just take one week off, but it’s moved into three. I miss it, and I wish I could say that the extra time has been used wisely, but overall, it was a good move to make. The algorithms are not my friends. They emphasize vapid sharing, and deep discussions are hard to come by. Also, the partisan bickering and ignorance is boring. I feel better walking away for a while.Engage Your Mind: I made the decision to take a blog break and read more books. I was already losing interest. However, I value this blog too much for it to become one of those things that I wander away from aimlessly. Taking a break was great idea.Do Something Fun: I wanted to spend more time with my family. I’ve been able to do that with my busy daughters, though not always at the same time. This was a great move. I feel energized and grounded. I want to make even more time for them moving forward.Do Something Fun: I began a secret project. It’s something that I’ve been wanting to do for years, and I took the plunge at the end of July. It’s a physical activity that I do late at night in the privacy of a parking lot or garage, but I’ve begun taking it to the streets in the daylight lately. I’ve lost weight, and two inches off of my waist. I only regret that Fall is around the corner, putting an end to my project. It’s been challenging.

A month ago, I just logged out of Facebook and Twitter. My opinions haven’t changed, and I miss sharing them with friends, but I’d like to channel my observations into my writing more instead of wasting them on other people’s platforms where my comments are buried, flagged, deleted, ignored, etc. These are caustic times. I’m much happier now.

The end result is that I’m happier and a lot less depressed. I recommend taking control of your changing moods. Don’t let depression rob you of joy. Prioritize your life and make room for the things that will make you happy. You’ll see the difference as soon as you adjust to the new schedule. Good luck!

~Dˢ
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Coping Strategy: Think small, not big, when making changes. You want to adjust for depression before it adjusts you, and making big changes can be chaotic, terrifying, or overwhelming. Take away one activity that makes you sad, and replace it with something that nourishes your soul. Build from there.

Look for numbers 6 & 8 in part two of “Depression: Ten Ways to Fight It Off” http://thesplinteredmind.blogspot.com/2006/04/depression-ten-ways-to-fight-it-off.html  ↩

Six Steps to Tame Way Too Many Projects

Too tight; too long. With added arch supports, they fit even worse. I bought these Rowley Slims Vans in the 00s because they looked cool, and I thought I’d get back into skateboarding, but I never bought a skateboard. I couldn’t even wear the shoes more than every once in a while. They hurt my arches because they are a size 11, and I wear a 9½–10. I was too impatient to special order ones that fit me. I was going to start skateboarding with clown shoes on a skateboard I hadn’t purchased yet. What was I thinking? My life has been filled with false starts like this. Intentions the size of mountains, but follow through measured in millimeters.

Since the writer’s conference in June, I’ve floundered a little. My days have been filled with family, as well as the fallout from pushing myself too hard. I have too much to do and too little time to do it. This isn’t a new situation I find myself in, however. My problem this time has been that I’ve used wishful thinking to map out my summer goals. Like when I bought the Vans, I’m enamored with the idea of these projects, but I didn’t think them through before committing to them. I often refer to this as Multi-Irons Syndrome.

People have a tendency to start more projects than they finish because it’s easy to come up with ideas, but hard work to bring them to life. Adults with ADHD have this problem, too, but their natural aversion to boredom amps up this process. If they don’t pay attention, they can have ten or more projects going and no projects near completion.

The way I avoid this problem is:

Write down all my current open projects.Decide which are the top three.Organize the top three by priority.Resolve to work on the top project, and only the top project. (The hardest step!)Finish a project.

Dreams Mean My Efforts Are Working, but Do They Have to Be so Weird‽

One of the nice upsides to fixing my insomnia is that I’m suddenly dreaming again. I had forgotten how weird they could get, so of course, I have to share one of them with you! Hang in there for the plot twist.

The other night I dreamed that I met a girl and her young daughter at my book signing. I’ve never done a book signing, but there she was. She was 24. This is important information, because she invited me to her home for dinner. In real life, I don’t believe something like this could ever happen even if I became so rich that I wore pants made up of $100 bills sewn together. Also, my oldest daughter is 26 years old, which means I don’t see twenty-somethings in a romantic light, but this dream was not interested in my sense of propriety.

At any rate, in my dream, 24-year-old girls invite old dudes home for dinner where I met her three, beautiful sisters and their elegant mother. However, I was smitten only with the 24-year-old, who was the loveliest of all. Her 4-year-old daughter loved me. Her mother, who was the same age as I am, loved me. (Yes, the dream emphasized that she was 51-years-old.) All that mattered, it seems, was that I loved this girl, and she loved me. So it was decided over bread rolls that we would marry.

I knelt before her and her mother and produced a grass ring with an opal set in it to place on her finger. We were all so happy. Somehow, my daughter Joy (who lives in Ireland), Cathryn, Lorelai, and the Brownie all flew in to meet us at dinner. They were wondering why I asked them there, then they saw the girl and simply knew. Nobody was upset at the vast age difference. Nobody was creeped out by the fact this girl was younger than my oldest daughter. The young 4-year-old, realizing her mother was marrying me, exclaimed, “I get a new daddy?!” and leapt into my arms. Everybody was happy, except the girl’s sisters, who were jealous of my daughters’ beauty.

Then I got a phone call. A sink hole had appeared at my fiancé’s grandfather’s home, revealing the remains of children in his backyard. The family was a bit upset over the news. Suddenly, I was there in his yard, looking at the skeletal remains poking out from the disturbed earth. The sidewalk had been swallowed up, as well as several cars. The childrens’ little hands and tattered clothes filled me with sadness. At this point, the dream broke down. I was lucid enough to realize that this dream was bath salt crazy. I immediately woke up.

I laid there sleepy and groggy from the dream, disorientated because I hadn’t adjusted to reality yet. For a moment I was put out that my fiancé & I had never kissed. Then, as I became more and more awake, I started to realize that we agreed to marry without knowing each other. Without dating. In fact, there was no romance at all! Also, why did I know everybody’s age, even her sisters? And why did I get the phone call about the grandfather? None of the dream made any sense. At that point, I was awake and thoroughly bemused. Let’s hope my first date after my divorce goes a bit better than that dinner did.

~Dˢ

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Coping Strategies: Insomnia is a wonderful lifestyle unless you have to wake up in the morning. Truth be told, I don’t function well with under five hours of sleep. When my sleep gets out of wack, it is because I have forgotten that sleep is important. I need to frame sleep as a benefit. When you are used to working through the night, however, that’s a hard sell. I find it helpful to think of the upsides sleep gives me. Stamina, health, and better focus are my top three, but wacky dreams is a nice incentive as well.

Best Depression Blog Three Years Running

During my whirlwind Spring, I noticed that I received another award from Healthline.com. That’s the third year in a row. I was, and still am, greatly honored. I posted about it on Twitter, but haven’t had a chance to share the news with you here.

I don’t expect my advice on this blog to be helpful for everybody, but maybe something I write is just what somebody else needed to read that day. It’s all I can hope for, and I am humbled that Healthline recognizes my efforts. My journey here is a personal one. I am not an expert with a degree. I just share my experiences in a humorous and earnest way that I hope will connect with others. I have struggled with ADHD for 51 years. I have struggled with major depressive disorder for 35 years. I have struggled with Tourette Syndrome for 25 years. The struggle can be frustrating, discouraging, exhausting, as well as alienating and lonesome. However, I have only two choices. Either I learn to overcome my burdens, or I let them overcome me. I’ve tried the being overcome bit before. I much prefer the heat of battle.

Of course, disclaiming expert status doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion. I share my mental health observations monthly with my readers. I stand by them. I believe we are more powerful than others would have us believe of ourselves. I believe that we can master our mental health issues. And if medicating is not a valid option for you, you can still vanquish these issues. To that purpose, I continue to self-analyze, experiment, refine, and fight. I invite you to join me. It is a satisfying battle. You may disagree with something I write, but by working together we enrich ourselves and expand our understanding.

All that being said, I don’t always write about depression. I cover coping strategies for ADHD, too. I also write about writing with mental health. Often, people follow me for one topic, then grow impatient because I cover others. I encourage you to have faith in me. Reach out to me. I will come around to your topic of choice. I always do.

In the meantime, please check out Healthline’s list of Best Depression Blogs for 2018. There are some excellent writers out there covering depression, recovery, and coping strategies for success. Healthline has done an excellent job putting some of the best together in this concise list. Take a break from social media for a while and dig deep into these blogs. If my writing style doesn’t appeal to you, I am certain you will find a blogger in this list who does.

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Coping Strategies: If you are in need of new perspectives on depression, check out my awards page. Each award leads to a list. There are dozens of new blogs awaiting your eager eyes.

Obstinance or Brilliance

I am still paying the price for pushing myself in June, and I thought it was time to share with you what I’ve been up to, how it went, what worked, and what I could have done better. The TL;DR version is that I did too much, loved almost every moment of it, and then I ended up feeling like a haggard and disheveled octogenarian who had dragged a couch up a mountain trail.

To give you an idea of what I’ve been up to, here’s a concise whirlwind from April to present. I have left out my daily duties and medical care for my daughter:

I signed up for the conference in April, had to write 6000 words in two days, took six weeks to design a story from scratch and write 8000 words instead, finished in time to design & complete my daughter’s very late wedding invitation—as well as her web site, prepared for the conference, attended the conference from June 11–15, attended my daughter’s wedding on June 16th, stayed up late tearing down decorations, moving tables, and stacking chairs, attended church and performed my duties, spent two days ticking, spent 11 hours purchasing gear and packing my youngest daughter for her all girls church camping trip, recuperated for one day (ticking), packed myself and sped across Utah to stay on site at the campground just in case my daughter had a seizure, read thirteen volumes of My Hero Academia, wrote three articles, wrote one blog, finished a bound journal, went for a hike, practiced my tin whistle on a mountain top, got lost (briefly), came home at the end of the week, then ticked for three days before coming down with a virus for a week and a half.

Two things stand out to me while reading that list. First of all, I cannot believe how much I was able to accomplish. This is phenomenal progress for me. I was focused and productive, so ADHD was managed, and I kept myself upbeat & positive, so depression was managed. In fact, they weren’t even a factor. I noticed, however, that I began to run out of steam, tic more, and eventually got sick as the whirlwind moved deeper into June. Tourettes is still my Achilles heel. I can keep the ticking at bay for hours at a time, but it always overpowers me with a vengeance at the end of the day. If I push too much, it will take me down for days.

Here are shockingly simple things I did right and plan on doing again:

I woke up at the same time every day.I ate a healthy breakfast, lunch & dinner every day.I used protein shakes and protein bars as snacks, making sure to eat every two hours.I kept myself hydrated.I took breaks as needed by the end of each day, and allowed myself to leave early during the breakout sessions. I had to drive home while I was able before TS prevented me.To manage the TS, I used fidget spinners ߷ discretely during the workshop, usually under the table and hidden within my hands, to manage mild ticking. I also used industrial strength exercise putty to manage the moderate ticking. I would take a break when the ticking became severe.

Most of these coping strategies sound simplistic, don’t they? Yet these strategies are the first things I toss out the window when under deadline and rushed. I forget to eat and hydrate. I work without breaks. I sleep irregular hours. Then I start ticking, crash hard, and become useless. Keeping ADHD & Depression in check involves steady maintenance. As evidenced over the past few months, I am much better at this now (and it’s about time…).

There’s still room for improvement, however. I missed an awful lot of breakout sessions at the conference because I petered out by the end of each day. I also struggled with ticking as the conference week wore on. Afterwards, I ran on pure adrenaline to be there for my daughter’s wedding, then the following week getting my youngest daughter prepped and sent off on a camping trip. I was forced out of the game for a day, then hyped myself up on adrenaline again to get myself prepped and sent off to the same camping trip! Once all events were over, I crashed for days—shambling about on forearm crutches because I couldn’t even walk properly. Also, after weeks and weeks of pushing myself to my limits, is it any wonder I also became sick?

I’m glad I was there for my girls, but adrenaline shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice. The price we pay for using that fuel is too high. Stress, depression, insomnia, heart failure… I owe it to my daughters to live healthier and smarter.

Here’s where I went wrong: 1. Since I was under deadline for my daughter’s wedding projects, I didn’t spend time before the writer’s conference to read and review everybody else’s stories. I saved that for the week of the conference. That means I had to read several 6000 word stories multiple times and then review them before I could go to bed. What terrible and stressful planning! 2. I stayed up late every night getting that work done, surviving on less than three hours of sleep a day on some days, but mostly less than four daily. It seriously impacted my stamina. That may seem self-evident, but if you’re an insomniac like I am, you’re used to functioning on too little sleep. It can seem normal over time, but it’s detrimental to productivity. 3. I didn’t exercise during the conference week. That resulted in higher stress and less stamina when I needed it most. No wonder I ticked so much!

Some of these faults may have been unavoidable this time around, but that doesn’t mean I can’t analyze where I have room for improvement for my next conference. You may have noticed that the things I did wrong had a cascading effect, like massive cement dominos crashing through my life. If I set up my work flow differently, I could have avoided being crushed by my own short-sightedness. Better organization would have led to better planning and pacing. Better sleep would have led to better productivity and stamina.

Lastly, many people with TS don’t believe in suppressing tics. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed, they say. Embrace the tics because we pay a price for suppressing them, they advise. It can be like holding back a flood. You can stop it up for a short time, then be washed out with the deluge, or you can just let the waters flow . Those folks aren’t necessarily wrong. One shouldn’t be ashamed of their involuntary tics, but unfortunately for me, my tics aren’t benign. They pick up steam and intensity, then interfere with my cognition—meaning I can’t learn or think well while ticking. I have memory lapses. So I suppress them whenever I can. I’d much rather push hard all day and get things done, and then tic at the end of the day after meeting my goals.

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe this is just me justifying bad habits. As I refine my coping strategies, I’ll know better when I’m being smart and when I’m being obstinate. However you choose to manage whatever ails you, keep pushing! Carve out a life for yourself. It’s hard work, but worth the effort.

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**Coping Strategies:** The ToDo list is your friend. I’ve written many blogs about using them, yet keep meeting [adults with ADHD][adhd] who won't use them. Baffling. Read more about the advantages of task lists here, here, and here for starters.

ADHD Jumps in Reasoning - When I'm Like Kanye West

I’m sitting here typing deep in the Uinta-Wasatch-Cache National Forest, east of Spanish Fork, and cut off from the internet. I came along to be on hand for my daughter’s girls camp just in case she had a seizure. I don’t have much to do except keep myself busy. I’ve finished a journal. Wrote three articles for submission to a magazine. Practiced my pennywhistle and ocarina daily. Exercised. Went for a hike in the mountains and got lost. Followed a path that became, I assume, a deer trail. Followed the trail deep into the thicket all the way to an animal den. Didn’t get eaten. Made my way back. I plan on writing a few blog entries to get ahead. I want to work out a Middle Grade non-fiction idea for submission to an editor. I may start revising my current novel with the feedback I received from WIFYR last week. And now I’m thinking about Kanye West and that brouhaha from a few weeks back.

I wonder if people need to be trained in understanding metaphor. I listened to Kanye’s interview. I heard him spark to what the interviewer was saying. You could almost see him pick a seed of thought from what the other guy was saying. I then heard Kanye wax philosophical about slavery as a state of mind. I understood what he was trying to say. I followed along. I know a lot of people on my social media timelines got what he was saying. Then I watched the aftermath. Many people were like the interviewers. They were horrified by his comments. Somebody on my Facebook timeline was so angry about this interview that they spent hours ranting about Kanye. They even called Kanye an Uncle Tom, which for a white person is quite the trick. When people are that angry, it’s hard to reason with them. They don’t want to be told that they’ve misunderstood a metaphor, or that he didn’t intend to imply what they think he implied. They certainly don’t want to be told to calm down. They want to brand the flaming pitchfork of justice over their heads and drive the offender out of town.

I have been in Kanye’s position so many times on different subjects in my life. I won’t deign to diagnose Kanye, but I can tell you that ADHD has fueled many a misunderstanding on my part. I think the culprit is that ADHD tendency to let words fly when emotions surge. Many adults with ADHD get so excited about a concept that we forget to explain ourselves. We skip all the steps that led us to our point of view and just blurt out the conclusion, then get surprised when people can’t follow along. I do this all the time. It is one reason why I prefer to write than talk. With writing, I can catch those jumps in reasoning. When talking or texting, the words leap out and do their damage. People judge you by what you say, not what you intend. I have this problem with social media, too.

I haven’t had any misunderstanding on the national scale like Kanye West just experienced, but I’ve lost friendships. While it may be true that some people look for things to be offended about, I’ve also put my foot in my mouth, and then kept shoving that foot all the way into my stomach. Here’s how I have reduced those incidents greatly:

I don’t do social media on bad neurological days. It’s just asking for trouble. That means I won’t tweet if I’m ticking (Tourettes), but I also avoid social media if I’m particularly foggy headed from ADHD.If I want to weigh in on a political or social issue, I will often open up a text document to type out my thoughts before posting online. The small social media text windows can obscure text if the entry is too long. I need to see the whole entry to make sure I’m connecting the dots in my reasoning.Refrain from engaging with people when you are upset. ADHD tends to add intensity to much of what we do. Interacting with people when we are upset just makes them misinterpret everything we say as an attack.Related to No. 3, when passionate about a particular topic, train yourself to slow your breathing down. Every time I confuse or overwhelm people, I haven’t been slowing down my breathing. This is a hard one to learn, but I can assure you that the effort is worth it. I have far more stable relationships with people now than I did even five years ago, and I attribute it in part to slowing down when talking to people. Breathe slowly!Choose your audience carefully. Some friends will love you no matter how much you bounce all over the conversation. Not everybody will have the same patience or understanding. You might have a great point to make, but if you chose the wrong venue or timing, your point will be lost in the blunder.

ADHD can be a hot kettle of passion, but if we aren’t careful, we will scald more people than serve tea. With practice and determination, though, we can implement coping strategies to help ourselves manage our minds better. Or we can embrace our unfiltered genius and blaze across our social landscapes like an incandescent ball of glory. As we come crashing to the ground, leaving a crater and debris in our wake, we shouldn’t be too surprised if some people are too focused on our delivery than on the point we were trying to make.

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If you’d like to learn more about ADHD, you should read my articles. I’ve written quite a few.

Three Ways to Fight the Stigma of Suicide

Last week was a sad week for celebrity suicides. You may not have known much about those who took their own lives, but if your social media timeline was like mine, you were connected with many people whose hearts were touched by the news.

We began the week with the passing of Kate Spade, a fashion designer who built a handbag empire and turned her name into a multi-million dollar brand, then finished the week with the passing of Anthony Bourdain, celebrity chef and CNN host whose stories about exotic cultures and food entertained audiences worldwide. They both chose to hang themselves—a gruesome end to their stellar careers.

Many people ask themselves, “Why? How could this have happened‽” I’ve seen others sneer. Some even faulted the departed for selfishness because they left behind grieving loved ones. These are the typical responses one finds online. The internet is filled with many insensitive souls who are drunk with their own superiority, but generally, most people are good at heart. Suicide shocks them to their core.

We expect moody teenagers or troubled individuals to struggle with those fatal urges, not successful individuals at the height of their empires. I sometimes suffer from the same misconception that many people have: I equate money and success with happiness. How often have you thought you’d be happier if you just had more money?The problem is that successful people are too busy to make time for physical or mental health checkups, or they fear the public response to their private problem. In a way, their success costs them their lives.

Although I knew of both celebrities, their deaths did not impact me in the same way as others that I know. I never purchased a Kate Spade bag, and since I don’t have cable, I’ve only caught Bourdain’s show here and there at doctors’ offices over the years. What did impact me was these events happened on the same week that I was dealing with my own suicidism. What strange and macabre timing.

Somewhere about 73 days ago, I was lying in bed, trying to quiet my mind from the stresses of life, when it suddenly occurred to me that my problems would be solved if I killed myself. Just as suddenly, I was horrified at the thought. Where in the world did that come from‽ I sat upright as if launched by rockets.

The monsters in my bedroom don’t live under my bed. They leap out from the shadows and wrestle with my mind. I hadn’t experienced anything like that—with such intensity—in years. Suicidal urges are few and far between for me these days. There is a reason for that. I am still here today because I’ve developed a set of coping strategies that I follow immediately. They keep those dark urges in check.

When my thoughts take a deadly turn, I pray for help, and also immediately tell somebody in my support network. Then I schedule a followup with a mental health professional.

Those three coping strategies have turned me away from many darkened corners. If you tend to mock prayer, think of it as a form of mindfulness. If you mock that, too, make sure you tell somebody what you are struggling with. Suicidism thrives in the dark. It feeds on fear, depression, and shame. You must shine light on it or risk it growing. Part of shining light on that darkness is sharing what you’re going through with a professional, yet spilling your guts to a stranger can be embarrassing.

Suicidal urges are often considered shameful and embarrassing. People generally don’t like to admit that they are struggling. This isn’t Tumblr where kids post photos of their slashed arms. Pride, stigma, or fear keep most people quiet. If I’m describing you, then please consider taking action to preserve your life.

However, I can’t pretend that sitting in a chair and telling a stranger that I wanted to kill myself isn’t surreal. First of all, the urge passed months ago. Second of all, I have no idea how this person will respond to what I am sharing. That is the part that can be unnerving. I recommend taking things slow, sharing innocent details about your life and gauging their reaction before pulling back the curtains for the whole sordid show.

I force myself to follow this coping strategy because it is important to hold myself accountable. I cannot let suicidal depression take root and ruin my life again. If telling a stranger is the price I need to pay to keep those urges at bay, then I gladly pay. I’ve been in the dark wishing I was dead. I’ve lived with that as a daily urge. No thank you. I am glad that I crawled out of that darkness and embraced living instead. It’s been twenty-six years since the worst point in my life. That means twenty-six years of upsides—the entire life of my oldest child who I would have robbed by taking myself out of her world.

Opening up about your suicidal urges with people you trust is a frightening step, yet it is so crucial to shrinking the power that suicidal urges have. If the families of the celebrities who recently took their own lives are anything like the other survivors of suicidal loved ones that I know, they are wringing their hands wondering what more they could have done. They blame themselves for not being there when it counted. I can’t say what Spade or Bourdain did or didn’t do in the days leading up to their fateful decision, but if you can learn anything from their deaths, reach out. Don’t hold this darkness inside. Your life is more valuable than you may realize. Stay connected with loved ones. Share your burden. It might save your life.

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If you are looking for help with a suicidal loved one, my book has suggestions for you.

Too Proud to Have ADHD?

Are you too proud for ToDo lists? Don't like to admit you have ADHD memory issues? You aren't alone.

I have a family member who has ADHD. They never write anything down. They don’t make reminders. They insist that they have to remember everything on their own, and of course, they seldom do. I’m so glad I don’t have that hangup anymore.

It reminds me of the hard time we had with my daughter in middle school. Her teacher—supposedly trained to teach learning disabled children—insisted my daughter had to remember to complete all her homework assignments on her own. She wouldn’t tell me what the assignments were so I could help my girl get them finished. Her grades were terrible.

You see, my daughter has severe memory impairment, among other issues. I fought every year to get parental homework reminders on her IEP, and that teacher resisted. She didn’t want to be bothered? She was stubborn? She thought my girl’s memory issue was a discipline problem? I may never know. She’s retired now. However, it took us a full psych eval at Primary Children’s years later before we could have that diagnosis added to my daughter’s IEP. Fortunately, her teacher in high school witnessed and understood that my girl had memory issues. What a difference addressing that learning disability made in my daughters education!

I, too, have memory issues. They are of the ADHD kind. I’ll walk into a room and forget why I entered. I’ve developed the ability to reconstruct my fragmented thoughts and get back on track, but sometimes, there are too many distractions to filter out. For example, I can’t remember more than three things on a shopping list. Heck, I’m lucky if I can remember two. I’d enter those delectable warehouses of colorful distractions and suddenly I’d be calling home to ask why I was there. Embarrassing! So I don’t bother trying to remember anymore. I haven’t tried for over ten years. I write everything down.

I used to be too proud for ToDo lists. I HAD to remember on my own!! But after many years of coming home from the store with the wrong items or worse, having to go back for the items that I forgot, I became a convert. I love love LOVE ToDo lists now.

I wish my family member wasn’t too proud to help themselves out. I’d rather take pride in never forgetting anything than to obstinately insist that my flakey brain had to get its act together. I remember plenty of things, but milk, eggs, and that other thing aren’t among them.

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Big plans! I had big plans to blog every Thursday while finishing up my Pokémon gaming book and structuring my next mental health book on fighting depression. I was also going to start sending out articles for publication again. Yes, indeed. BIG PLANS.

Then an interesting thing happened. I was awarded a scholarship to Writers and Illustrators for Young Readers out of the blue. I took a few days to decide if I wanted to accept the offer, and ultimately accepted. But I was in the middle of one of the longest bouts of illness I’ve had since 2013. Adenovirus led to a sinus infection, and Mother Nature’s ambivalence about whether it was Spring or not left me ill for over 45 days. I was bedridden, coughing up lungs ill. It was a nasty virus. You cannot imagine my relief that it is finally over. I wrapped up my research for the Pokémon book, finished the first draft, caught up with everything in life I’d been unable to attend to while sick, and only signed up for WIFYR two weekends ago.

Then I was told on the 10th that I had until the 12th to submit 6000 words of my story. “What story?” I asked myself. I had hoped to have more time!

I’ve been working long hours plotting, plotting, plotting since last week. My story idea was only the slimmest of thoughts — a cottonwood seed upon the wind. My original plan was to begin formulating the story sometime in the summer. Now it’s planted, and watered, and only needs 6000 words of growth. No worries. The hard part’s been done. Haha…

I have to admit that this ADHD thing of not being able to focus if there’s too much going on is a pain in the binding when I have blogging, writing, caring for a disabled child, and Tourette’s to collate and organize. I’m a mess, but it’s been fun. I began my book last night. I will not allow illness or disability to deprive me of this opportunity. Now if only I was that determined to stay away from Twitter.

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Coping Strategy: ToDo lists are your friend. I’ve written many blogs about using them. Here, here, and here for starters.