Douglas Cootey's Blog, page 4

Four Tips to Build a Support Network While Sheltering in Place

If you’re feeling down from too much social distancing, how do you build a support network when you’re sheltering in place‽

Support networks are the sort of things you’re supposed to have already put into place for that time when you need them. You’re also supposed to file your taxes on time, separate your recyclables, and brush your teeth twice a day. There are a lot of things we’re supposed to do, but for one reason or another, we sometimes don’t get around to doing. Support networks take effort to build. Because of that, it is easy to avoid putting yourself out there when things are going well.

Then your government tells you to stay inside or else, and suddenly that support network seems a lot more important than it did before. Fortunately, communicating with each other over distances isn’t limited to letters via post. Now we can private message, video chat, audio chat, and text over phones lines and the internet. If you deal with depression, you know that you can’t always tell when you’re going to have a bad day, but you don’t have to be a psychologist to know that social distancing and sheltering in place can feel like isolation. Having access to supportive people is key to managing your depression.

As I blogged about before, I’ve been social distancing for many months now. Fortunately, I already did the work to set up my support network, but I’m always looking to grow that network. The more people you can rely on, the better your chances are to reach somebody when you need help.

When I want to expand my network, I follow these steps:

Reach out to people with whom you already have a rapport. I wouldn’t recommend reaching out to people you think would be good to rely on. Reach out to people who already seek you out in social situations. These people have already proven that they care about you.Send them a “test” message to see how they respond. Send a relatively short message sharing your current struggle. Don’t manipulate; don’t overshare; and don’t directly ask them if they’d like to be in your support network. If they respond with a supportive tone, you may have found a new resource of strength.Give them a second chance. If their first response came up short of comforting or encouraging you, reach out to them again. They may have been busy, caught off guard, terrified, or happy to discuss anything with you EXCEPT mental health.Move on to the next person. If the second response is the same or worse, don’t force the issue. Some people are friendly, but not your friend. You can continue socializing with them. Light social connections are important, too. You just won’t rely on them for help.

I was feeling down recently. Nearly seven months of social distancing is hard to bear. I have up weeks, and down days. When I decided to test the waters with a new friend, I opened up to them via text message. We’ve had excellent conversations over the last four years, but I had not shared my mental health struggles before. They replied with a kindly platitude. I decided to wait for a few days before trying again, and they haven’t responded since. Time to move on.

Never forget that the people you want in your support network are just people, not professionals. They have their own problems to deal with. We may think that we’re just looking for somebody to lean on when we wobble, but they may see it as us asking to be carried. They may quail from the subject. They might not know what to say, or be overly concerned about saying the wrong thing. They might be totally terrific, but far too busy. They may be stretched thin helping other people. You simply do not know, so don’t judge and condemn.

I’m disappointed that person couldn’t be counted on because I liked them a lot, but I’m not going to hate them for it. I’m not going to withdraw my friendship. Maybe they just want to keep things light, or maybe their plate is full. I’ll look elsewhere. If I ever find myself in a bleak, desperate place where I need to call someone at three in the morning, I know the people in my current network will be there for me.

It is important that the people in your support network are reliable and willing to help. With careful effort and patience, we can expand that network. Now that we’re all sheltering in place, we can put the time in to do it right.

⁂

If you are suicidal and lean on the wrong person, you can find yourself falling instead of being supported. Please remember that the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can help put you in touch with local people who want to listen to you. Dial 800–273-TALK (8255). If you’re worried about them tracing the call, dial *67 before dialing the hotline. You can also reach them with an online chat.

Top Ten Ways I've Survived Social Distancing

Sequestered away and worried about COVID–19? It’s good to take this crisis seriously, but social distancing doesn’t have to be as dire as people online make it seem. Here are the top ten ways I’ve kept my attitude upbeat while isolated from others.

As I’ve written before, I’ve been sick and social distancing since September 2019. I have asthmatic bronchitis, rhinitis, and chronic respiratory inflammation. Consequently, my body has been so busy struggling to breathe, it hasn’t had much oomph left to fight off every cold & virus in Utah. At first, I just thought I was getting a lot of colds for some reason. As soon as I got better, I’d go out again, but by the end of September, I was staying clear away from everybody as much as possible. By Christmas the isolation became difficult to bear. I’d do things with family, wearing a dust mask to filter out the smog, but it would only work for a short time. I was too sickly, and I ended up sicker and sicker. I had to stop socializing entirely.

Which brings me to today. COVID–19 has brought our societies to a standstill. We’re told to self-quarantine if we suspect we’re ill and practice social distancing if we’re healthy. I’ve started seeing articles popping up on how lonely social distancing is going to make us. From experience, I can tell you that social distancing may not be party, but it doesn’t have to be an experience of extreme isolation and loneliness, either.

Social distancing is different than self-quarantine. It’s easy to avoid others when you’re sick because you’re often too sick to mix and mingle, but social distancing when you’re healthy feels wrong—like you’re a paranoid nutcase who’s overreacting. I’ve been there. Unlike self-quarantine, you’re not locking yourself away with social distancing. You’re only minimizing contact and exposure to others. Taking precautions for yourself and others, you can still go out.

I have Major Depressive Disorder and Persistent Depressive Disorder, and I’ve managed to keep my spirits up these past six months. I’m all set for COVID–19. With some preparation and planning, you, too, can avoid the doldrums and make your isolation less lonely. I’d like to share with you my ten most successful activities. I hope they give you ideas to adapt in your own lives:

Stand your ground. Not an activity, but the first important step. I skipped a writer's conference last month despite a friend offering to pay my ticket. It was hard, but I'm glad I didn't go. I'm sure I would have picked up a case of impending death from somebody. COVID-19 isn't the only virus out there. Fight the temptation to gather with large groups of people. Get good rest. Being forced outside of your regular school or work routine, you'll be tempted to either stay up late or sleep in. An irregular sleep schedule fuels fatigue & depression, so maintain a routine, or you'll suppress your immunity system. Daily/Weekly exercise When a valiant attempt to hike my neighborhood hill ended in an asthma attack, I found indoor activities to boost my metabolism. I'd dance for 20-30 minutes, or walk on my treadmill. I even practiced longboard dancing while watching TV. If you're not sick, go out for a walk. Go for a run. Walk your dog, and so forth. You can go outside. Just keep your distance from others and wear a mask. Limit your screen time. Don’t waste your time in front of the TV, or endlessly scroll on Instagram or TikTok. I binged plenty, especially when I was bedridden, but I kept an eye on the clock. Passive activity can induce depression, so I mixed up my activities. Play video games. Dragon Quest XI S_ saved my life in October. I sought out games that engaged my mind and lifted me up, and I made sure to cut out other screen time activities as pointed out above. In addition, online games can keep you connected with others while keeping your mind active. If video games aren't your scene, replace with any other hobby that engages your mind. Balance work projects with fun Even if you can't work from home, you can still keep yourself busy. Now is a good time for ignored projects like tackling paper piles or preparing expense reports, but always make time for fun. Over the past six months I've done many projects, both fun & productive. One day I chose experimental baking. (My poor family!) I refused to let boredom settle in. I kept myself productive, alternating fun with work. Don’t be a stranger! I kept in frequent contact with friends and family. FaceTime, Skype, Hangouts…even old-fashioned phone calls. Don't let social distancing turn you into a hermit. Upkeep your grooming. Once I started to recover, I made sure to shower, shave, and dress. During the worst of the sickness, I didn’t shower or shave much, but now that I have more energy, I shower frequently. At first, I tried to shave at least weekly. Now I'm up to twice a week. Boosting your self-esteem and self-image can help offset depression. Prayer helped me find peace with my situation. It's easy to be angry and frustrated when our social life is curtailed drastically. However, we can’t change our situation anger and frustration. If prayer isn't something you do, meditation and yoga can also be effective ways to release stress and find peace. Keeping my attitude upbeat and in check was key to surviving these past six months.

And the number one activity that helped me?

Japanese Light Novels! No? Well, at least consider getting over your resistance to eBooks. Since I couldn't physically go to the library, I borrowed plenty of ebooks. Using a Kobo and Overdrive's Libby app, I borrowed ebooks from my device. The same can be done via the web with a Kindle (and other eReaders via side-loading). I also purchased plenty of eBooks from the Kindle and Kobo online stores. Audiobooks are just as easy to download from home. Both Kobo & Kindle (through Audible) offer subscriptions with endless books to fill your ears. I believe ebooks are better read on iPads, tablets, or dedicated ereaders, but you have to use whatever you have at hand, even if it's a tinier phone. Whether you prefer ebooks or audiobooks, reading keeps the mind honed and sharp, and by borrowing everything online, you can avoid contact with strangers.

I am very proud of my efforts to fight depression while dealing with self-quarantining and social distancing. I managed my depression and kept my spirits mostly up. With my health improving little by little, I hope to add working on my next book to my list of projects, but I have forgiven myself for not being as productive as I would have liked.

Now that COVID–19 is on the scene, I’m not apprehensive about social distancing. I’ve been doing it for six months and still maintained relationships with others while maintaining a positive outlook. Don’t let yourself get discouraged. This isn’t forever. In a short time, a vaccine will arrive and we can all stop hoarding toilet paper. In the meantime, please believe me that social distancing isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t even have to be boring.

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If you liked this article and don’t have a Kobo account, please consider setting one up through this affiliate link: https://share.kobo.com/x/dMaBW5. Once you buy an ebook, this gives me some credit to buy my daughter & I more to read. My social distancing days may not be over when everybody else gets cleared to resume normal activities. Thanks.

A Sneak-Peek of Spring

Yesterday I saw my immunologist. We discussed quite a few things, and she wants to see me continue social distancing, as I have been for six months, but also to try and get out more. That’ll be hard to do with this coronavirus pandemic we’re dealing with, but yesterday was just too good to not take her advice. 
I just went around the neighborhood. I was so weak—so little stamina after a long, hard winter of sickness. I had to take several breaks. Even with the two ventilator valves on my mask, carbon monoxide builds up when I’m breathing hard. I lasted about 30 minutes total. It was a good effort.
Today, I strapped on my asthma mask and headed out to the Jordan River Parkway. The weather was gorgeous and it felt good to get out without a jacket on. I loved feeling the sun on my face again. 
The cracks along the parkway had widened during the cold, dry winter. I couldn’t take them straight on but had to run across them obliquely. At first I was very rusty, catching the wheels in the cracks here and there, but eventually muscle memory kicked in, and I cruised along while carving across the cracks without difficulty. My stamina had improved, and I didn’t need to stop to catch my breath. Instead, I had to stop to stretch out my feet from cramping. The muscles moving my metatarsals weren’t used to carving and counterbalancing, especially while bearing my winter-blessed weight.
After 20 minutes I came to a stop at my destination, a cement bench underneath an overpass. I pulled out my ocarina and played through my repertoire, musing over how well my lungs were holding up. It’s all thanks to that mask. I’ve been using it since December, and it’s made a massive difference in my ability to stay outside without having an asthma attack. 
I, also, was struck by how unafriad I was by people hearing me play.  Various cyclists and joggers would pass me as I played. They would acknowledge me, thank me for playing, or complement me. I usually experience quite a bit of social anxiety when performing in front of other people. I’ll have to try to analyze this later to see why I experienced none of that today. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been practicing so much that I felt confident in my skills. Or perhaps I was simply so exhilarated to be outside and enjoying the day that I forgot to be worried. Perhaps it was a little bit of both.
After running through all my songs, I geared up and headed back the way I had come. This time I rode goofy. I like to practice riding regular and goofy. One, it gives my abs an equal work out, but two, I need to strengthen both my legs,  quicken my reflexes, and improve my balance if I ever hope to make progress longboard dancing. I guesstimate that I have 10 years before I’m too old to do it, so I’m anxious to accelerate my learning. 
The ride back was wonderful. Riding goofy isn’t wonderful, however. I am not good at it yet. My leg muscles were screaming, and my ankles had reduced strength to minimize board wobble. I probably should have headed out riding goofy when my body was at its freshest. Although, it was a rough and wobbly ride, I persevered all the way back to my car, stopping only once to take in the spectacular Maxfield Parrish sunset. 
Here’s hoping the Spring will boost my health and allow me to roam freely outside again, even if I have to wear a mask. With luck, I am seeing a return to my stamina. 
~Dˢ

Update 3/21/2020: I was bedridden by the end of the week. Between longboarding and running errands, I overtasked myself. It is hard to know what my limits are since I blow by them cluelessly all the time. 

Sickness, then Celebration – Putting Suicide Behind Me

Even despite the worst sickness in years, I’ve maintained an even keel. Come celebrate with me.

Today is the 650th day since I was last suicidal. Keeping track of this stat is only something I began six hundred and fifty days ago. Before that was a hard spell in 2013, and before that was the two year rollercoaster at the end of my marriage. I thought about ending things quite a bit back then. I’m grateful that I was able to ignore those urges, but as I marvel at the number of days free from suicidal ideation, I am more grateful that I have retained my positivity through almost five months of being housebound with a chronic respiratory illness.

I’ve written here before about the dark clarity that suicidal ideation can bring¹. When our minds are awash in sadness and overwhelmed by the undertow of confusion that suicidal depression brings, we tend to grasp at any bit of flotsam that crosses our path. Some of that flotsam, like suicidal ideation, ironically seems like a lifeline. It gives us focus, clarity, and purpose when before there was only chaos.

One false clarity that suicidal ideation brings is the idea the world would be better off without us. Once we’re gone, we reason, our pain will end and with it will come peace to those we burdened. No more disappointing others. No more failing to meet their expectations. We’ll be doing them a kindness.

When we begin thinking that way, it isn’t long before we find personal reasons to pull the plug on our existence. No more screwing up at work. No more pressure to smile. No more stress. No more addiction. No more failure. No more, no more, no more. Nobody loves us anyway. We’re losers. We don’t deserve to live. And so on…That type of thinking is often a myopic lie we use to escape from our pain. The problem is that we don’t see those thoughts as lies while suicidal depression has sway.

To many who don’t understand what suicidal depression is like, the act of suicide can seem selfish, especially to those who outlive the victim. After all, suicidal people are focused only on their own pain, right⸮

The truth is that we’re preoccupied and overwhelmed with our own pain. We can’t see, or won’t believe, that our departure will cause others pain. Breaking through that wall of thought was what enabled me to put suicide behind me again and again. By viewing the act of suicide as a selfish one, I could glimpse how that final act would affect my family. It helped me come back from the brink when I was close to the edge. By becoming selfless, I saved myself. However, my opinion on the subject has evolved. Dismissing suicidal ideation as merely selfish misses a piece of the puzzle. It’s something I knew before, but couldn’t put into words.

Yes, there are selfish components to a suicidal person’s actions, but what I have come to realize in my struggles since I first started blogging here fifteen years ago is that suicidal ideation warps our minds. It colors our viewpoint. This is the most tragic aspect of being suicidal. What seems selfish, or even cowardly, to others (that we can escape pain, disapproval, responsibilities, or failure, etc. through death) seems logical to the mind of one who doesn’t value their life. Suicide to them would solve everybody’s problems.

I would be hard with myself here in this blog (and in real life) because I needed to draw a hard line that I would not dare cross. I had children who were counting on me. Tough love kept me pushing forward. I chose to frame my struggle with suicidal ideation as a battle. I don’t regret that mindset in the slightest. However, now I can forgive myself for not thinking clearly during those times instead of beating myself up for being “weak”.

This epiphany doesn’t change my coping strategies, though. When I catch myself thinking suicidally, I immediately reach out to family and friends in my support network². I then make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I dislike seeing a shrink as much as the next person, but taking action instead of hiding those thoughts deep inside keeps me accountable to others. I did that 650 days ago, and I’ll do it again if I should ever find myself slipping.

Six hundred and fifty days. I like that number. I like my newfound resilience even more. Getting to this point took work and perseverance, but it also took support from others. Don’t carry this burden in your heart alone. In your silence, those thoughts will become the only thoughts you hear. Let other voices in. Letting people love and support you may seem terrifying, but when you get on the other side of your travail, you’ll have people to celebrate your life with you.

~Dˢ

I’m referring to chapters from my book, Saying NO to Suicide  ↩

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800–273-TALK (8255)  ↩

Easy Goals Even Old Coots Can Achieve

Sometimes the best goals are soft and squishy like an eggnog filled belly.

It’s either very late or very early, depending on your point of view. Either way, I’m sitting here thinking deep, New Year’s-like thoughts. In the other room sleeps a friend who almost wasn’t my friend anymore until we patched things last week. Upstairs sleeps my third daughter whose heart is in need of mending as her marriage comes to an end. Hanging out with dad and his friend on New Year’s Eve was either a low point for her or just exactly what she needed.

My thoughts are a warm blend of nostalgia and regret with a subnote of bitterness and peace. I am, as they say, conflicted, but I’m happy. My health didn’t interfere with the night’s festivities. We all had fun and enjoyed each other’s company. We were supposed to play video games together, but ended up introducing my daughter to the wonderful My Hero Academia. Finally, we pulled ourselves away from bright conversation and Crunchyroll to kill each other mercilessly in Sega Saturn Bomberman. We fight for the trophy, a glorious knickknack that was put together by another friend who is spending New Years with my good friend and their two children while her newest, third child hangs onto life in the NICU.

I could lie that my thoughts are filled with a deep concern for mankind and the state of my nation, but honestly, I am only thinking that I had too much eggnog. That, and I am wondering what my goals will be for my fifty-third year. This blog is now fifteen years old. The fourteenth year was a rough one on it, filled with months of neglect and shifted priorities. What writing goals do I have to look forward to? What will motivate me to make time for this blog and my writing projects?

I don’t like to make New Year’s Resolutions. I prefer to make birthday goals. They used to stress me out because they were massive in scope and as unrealistic as the dreams they were born from, but they did drive me, albeit to the edge. I stopped doing that to myself a few years ago, but then I stopped making goals. My life has been about managing my health and disabilities, as well as dealing with my disabled daughter. She has become a handful, as they say. Perhaps two handfuls. My goals are sidelined regularly as I come to a screeching stop to make a sudden u-turn or take an emergency exit. My goals are like baubles bouncing around the back of a pickup truck. If the path gets too rough, my goals end up on the side of the road somewhere.

I can’t say that I’m happy with the direction my life is taking me. Although this current moment is a nice one, I’d like to have a few more like it without all the drama. I like to have more of a say in where I’m heading. With four months of illness, however, I feel that I’ve been bounced out of my own truck, left in a breakdown lane somewhere between Exit 9 and Dissolution.

I’m wondering if I had a more concrete plan than I currently do, maybe my life would be less prone to veering off course. I am meeting all my duties as a stay-at-home dad. One could argue that I am doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing despite ADHD, Depression, and Tourette’s. Raising an intellectually challenged child with epilepsy and cerebral palsy is challenging. I’m not complaining about my duties. My daughter is precious, and I love her dearly, but I feel unsatisfied with my own personal progress.

This is why I have decided to make simple, open-ended goals that will reward effort and not require accomplishment. No matter what illness or emergency lies in wait, my loose list of goals will help me stay on course.

Things To Do While Fifty-Three:❑ Turn my sleep schedule around eventually.
❑ Make more time for writing.
❑ Exercise more.
❑ Play my ocarinas more often.
❑ Longboard in the sunlight whenever possible.
❑ Spend more time praying and studying scriptures.
❑ Fill my sails with hope, keep my eyes on he road, and mix fewer metaphors.
❑ Be sick more often.

That last one will be a challenge, but I think I can nail it.

It’s time for me to rest my eyes and pretend to sleep for a few hours. Maybe I’ll even manage to fool myself and wake up rested by accident. I’m hoping for less conflicted feelings going forward. Less clenched teeth and panicked eyes, more satisfied sighs and smiles. In a few short hours, the chaos will resume, but for now I have clarity. This is going to be a great year.

~Dˢ

Keeping Upbeat During Illness Is a Challenge

Do I still have a blog? You wouldn’t know it by how infrequently I’ve updated it lately. Sometimes life can overwhelm. When that happens, I like to believe that I will always be plucky enough to fend off the doldrums and shake my fist defiantly at the obstacles that beset me. However, when illness weakens your knees and keeps you motionless in bed, is there enough pluck to lift your fist, never mind keep your spirits up?

I’ve been incredibly sick this Fall. I started my journey on September 7th. I attended FanX in Salt Lake City, had a good time attending with my daughter, then came home and tried to fight off a case of con crud. After about a week, I thought I had licked it. The sky was clear for a change, and an open parking lot was calling to me. While my daughter was in therapy, I pulled out my longboard for some therapy of my own. I usually wear gear because of my Tourette’s, but I was certain I could be careful. I lasted six minutes.

The moment my wheels hit that evil, cursed twig, my board became instant friends with friction, and I pitched forward as if I was hinged to the pavement. My hands broke the fall, but I took a lot of damage. Clearly, I wasn’t well. My graceless plummet was all the proof I needed. A few days later I was in the ER late at night, getting my hand x-rayed and describing my cold symptoms to the doctor. I had relapsed.

Off and on, off and on the cold went, but the off days quickly shortened. By the end of September I was bedridden, ravaged by seasonal allergies and a mystery illness nobody could identify. Aside from summoning the energy to attend to my daughter’s failing grades, her IEP, and trips to the grocery store, I laid in bed, waiting to get better. My Tourette’s was out of control, and I had no energy to get anything I needed done. Discouragement and depression had settled in, but I was so sick, who could notice?

We treated the illness as viral at first, then bacterial, and finally, after two and a half months of numerous ER/Instacare visits, a trip to my GP, two chest x-rays, a cat scan, three courses of anti-biotics, a visit to an ENT, and multiple visits with my allergist, we concluded I was having an asthmatic reaction to the poor air quality in Salt Lake Valley this Fall. Or maybe it was a sinus migraine? Big shrugs all around.

I have a hard time believing asthma could account for three months of being bedridden, but there was that time in 2013 when I was sick with similar symptoms. I suspect I had a perfect storm this Fall of catching a virus at FanX, suffering from severe seasonal allergies due to all the rain this past Summer, and adding the asthma on top to make things exciting

Now you know what I’ve been up to. Writing all of that was cathartic. If only I could brag about how wonderfully I handled my infirmity.

I must admit I have been pushed beyond my ability to remain optimistic. It’s been a challenge. My sleep schedule is flipped around so completely, I’m not going to bed until next week every day. My pride is deflated because I am physically weak due to so many months of sickness—undoing months of physical therapy. And I am professionally frustrated because I haven’t been able to do my freelance work. I haven’t even written here in my own blog, never mind finding time to work on my book projects.

You could say that I’ve been discouraged lately. You could say that I’ve probably had a difficult time fighting off depression, too.

Fortunately, I’m on the mend. Before I improved physically, however, I had to improve my attitude. My first act was to drag myself to the Instacare. And again and again. Then I made appointments with my GP and my allergist. I was too sick and depressed to do it before, but now I was sick of being sick.

I followed their remedies.
I followed up with new appointments.
I treated the asthma even though I was skeptical.
Then I asked my Bishop to give me a blessing.

I mark my turnaround at that point, even though it has been slow. I wanted a Tiny Tim miraculous recovery, but I’ll take whatever I can get. If you scoff at miracles, let’s consider it this way: God helps those who help themselves. I made a conscious action to move forward. I asked for help. I took care of myself. I started to recover.

Once I had more energy:
I organized my finances.
I picked up my living area.
I reached out to friends.
I baked for neighbors who had experienced hardship.
I helped my older daughters with their challenges and difficult times via texting, phone calls & video chatting.
And I finally dragged myself into a barber shop for a hair cut last week.

I’m still sick. In fact, I may be ill for the rest of the Winter, but I’m in better spirits now. I have a tendency to push too far, but I’m mindful now. No more sprained wrists. No more relapses. I can pace myself back to health while also keeping a handle on my depression. I finally have a proper frame of mind to summon some pluck and get better.
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A hearty “thank you” for those readers who bought a copy of my book during my recent hiatus. I hope you found my book on fighting suicidalism helpful.

Don't Apologize for Feeling Suicidal

You shouldn’t feel ashamed for feeling suicidal. Here’s how you can take a stand for yourself.

I saw a news item a few months ago that troubled me.[1] At first, the item was in regard to a K-pop idol (Goo Hara) who my third oldest daughter and I enjoyed watching and listening to in the group, KARA. During KARA’s heyday, my daughter and I followed all their videos and song releases. It was fun—at least until she discovered a guy who had his own rock band. Then dad and K-pop were replaced with an electric guitar and a husband. Poor Daddy.

Reading about anybody’s suicide attempt is heartbreaking, but Goo’s suicide hit home because I remember her so fondly. However, what followed two days later deeply disturbed me. While recovering from her suicide attempt, a press conference was held and Goo apologized to her fans for worrying them—from the hospital. She looked pale and haunted.[2]

Imagine having to say the following while recovering from a suicide attempt:

“I am sorry for causing concerns and a commotion.”
“In terms of health, I am recovering … I had been in agony over a number of overlapping issues. But from now on, I will steel my heart and try to show up healthy.”
“So many things were happening in my life, all at the same time. I am truly sorry. I will show a brighter and healthier side of myself.”[3]

I will steel my heart…

The Korean entertainment industry is very similar to the star system we had here in Hollywood during the 40s and 50s. On one hand you have a corporation that will make use of your skills and talents to the utmost degree, providing you with opportunities to grow as a performer. On the other hand, you are a product that is virtually owned by a corporation as it dictates what you do and say. They often pressure stars to apologize for scandalous behavior because money is on the line. Since Goo is a free agent (due to the scandals of last year), I don’t know who pressured her to apologize. Was it herself? Her manager? It is unclear. All I know is that what Goo Hara went through, many people who experience suicidism can relate. She was put in a position to apologize for struggling with depression.

There were a few times in the early days of my blog when my parents requested that I not blog about mental health because my blog was upsetting other family members. I never knew who those family members were, and that was the extent of the pressure, but the anonymous requests angered me. Eventually, I improved as a writer and my family came around to the importance of my blog. The requests stopped. It wasn't hostile or confrontational, but it was enough to help me relate with those who have felt pressure to stay silent about their struggles. However, if your family or friends are not 100% behind you while you struggle with this extremely serious issue, I have some advice for you.

First of all, I want you to know that you are worthwhile. You matter and your life is important. Sometimes we despair, and I include myself, because we don’t clearly see the horizon. Our tendency as humans is to only see the world that is closest around us. Stress, obstacles, and negative relationships can make us blind to what is good in the world and ourselves.

Second of all, family members who don’t support you are usually struggling in their own way. The subject of suicide frightens people. Some of them shut down mentally because they cannot deal with it. Others may be embarrassed, as if your ordeal is shameful for them personally. Your loved ones may also be terrified they’ll make things worse. They might not want to discuss your struggles for fear that will trigger you. Others hope that sprinkling sunshine and lollipops all over you will make your pain go away. Don’t hate them, but don’t rely on them, either, if they don’t have your back.

Take Control To Be Happier

We often don’t have a great deal of control over these emotions welling up inside, but we can control what we do about them. That is what defines us. So my tips are as follows:

Establish your support network before you need it. This is easier said than done, but when I made this effort, I suddenly felt far less alone than I did before. Keep the network fresh and updated. Sometimes loved ones burn out. Sometimes they are struggling with their own issues and can’t be relied upon. Find people who care and who will support you when you struggle with suicidal depression.

Don’t apologize for being suicidal. Don’t apologize for having a problem that you are overcoming. Don’t apologize for having the problem in the first place. Fight for yourself. You are your own best advocate.

Always seek help. You may not have to apologize for having suicidal tendencies, but that doesn’t mean you should just sit back and say, “Woe is me.” The important thing is to recognize how bad things can get when you don’t have coping strategies in place. You matter greatly as a person, but you won’t believe that when you’re in the depths of despair. This is why having coping strategies in place is crucial, but acting on those coping strategies is a matter of life or death.

Goo Hara has launched a new career in Japan and has vanquished her domestic abuse issues in court. She’s even taken time to scold her less supportive fans.[4] She has begun the healing process, taking care of her mental health, and learning to advocate for herself. I wouldn’t be surprised to read that she has a support network in place bolstering her during these trying times. I am thankful that I have people I can rely on. I haven’t been suicidal in a very long while, but when the odd thought pops into my head, I immediately reach out to my support network. I don’t have to struggle alone, and neither should you.

Update: Edited for clarity – 9/20/19, 4:37:16 AM

⁂

If you would like to read more tips and coping strategies for dealing with suicidism either as a support or as somebody who struggles, you may want to read my book, “Saying NO to Suicide”.

Korean Star Latest to Attempt Suicide in High-Pressure K-Pop World  ↩

Singer Goo Ha-ra apologizes for suicide attempt  ↩

‘I Will Steel My Heart’: K-Pop Star Apologizes to Fans for Suicide Attempt  ↩

Hara warns malicious commenters, threatens legal action  ↩

Five Frank Tips that Helped Me Manage My Depression

Managing your depression doesn’t mean it goes away. Sometimes life will come at you just fast enough to throw you off your game. Here are five tips that helped me get my depression back in control.

As I write this, I am depressed. I shouldn’t be. There’s so much going right in my life right now, but the feeling of that bleak fist of hopelessness around my heart is fairly tight. I am finishing up what is arguably the most productive summer I’ve had in years, yet I feel like an abysmal failure. This summer I have mountains of paperwork and completed applications to prove my productivity. Logic stammers in awe at the long list of massive projects I have undertaken since May. So why do I feel like such a failure tonight?

The obvious answer is that it’s just my stupid depression talking. I’m not a failure! But I feel like one. For some reason, I am miserable, agitated, overwhelmed by feelings of grief, and crushed under the weight of a stifling sadness. I called a daughter, finding the love and support that I needed. Yet despite my daughter’s earnest cheers on my behalf, I still could not shake the oppressive weight of depression. It was time to change my way of thinking. So I decided as a coping strategy to go for a walk and think about my recent accomplishments.

One accomplishment in particular should have me tap dancing on the moon. I have lost 40 pounds since March 2018. I lost over 8 inches off of my waist. This is a phenomenal accomplishment, ending a twenty-seven year struggle. I no longer wear XXL shirts, and I can fit in size L pants now. No more refrigerator box-shaped pants for me. I haven’t been this trim since my early 30s. So of course I shrug my shoulders apathetically and dismiss that accomplishment as insignificant. However, my dietary health issues have never been so regulated and under control. Why shouldn’t that make me happy?

As I walked, I dictated this blog, putting together a mental list of everything I’d worked on and finished over the summer. Here’s what I came up with:

• Submitted medical forms for girls camp
• Prepped & packed for girls camp (I was a chaperone)
• Submitted reams of documents for the Brownie’s DSPD application
• Submitted more reams of documents for her VocRehab application
• Took a guardianship class
• Drove Brownie to therapy group twice a week, counseling every two weeks, plus went to my own six hours of physical therapy every week this summer. (I also did physical therapy exercises at home.)
• Had a VocRehab meeting and got my daughter enrolled in the program.
• Attended Family Fight Club (better than Uno!)
• Gathered medical docs for my car insurance lawyer (6 year case)
• Gathered and submitted 63 pages of medical forms and evaluations from seven doctors and therapists to file for disability requalification for the Brownie, as well as a CD-R filled with seven years of emergency response reports.
• Registered Brownie for school
• Filled out guardianship forms
• Gathered documents for guardianship submission
• I may have lost 40 pounds, and eight inches off my waist, but I’ve also solved a food mystery that has been plaguing me for three decades. This is a very big deal.

That seems like a lot, but maybe I’ve been too busy dealing with my own disabilities and being a full-time dad of a disabled girl to take notice.

I’ve been so busy, I didn’t even pay much attention when this blog was nominated for a WeGo health award. I didn’t promote it, and I didn’t even check to see what came of it. In fact, I still need to finish the Guardianship paperwork this week, then I’m contacting a lawyer to represent my daughter during the guardianship hearing.

Maybe I’m depressed because after three months of work, I’m still not finished. Maybe all of this work has me feeling isolated. I certainly don’t socialize with other adults very much. Whatever the reason, I’ve been asking myself lately, “When will I be happy?” I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will be. It seems I am never satisfied with enjoying the moment. I’m always looking forwards to the future when things will finally be better.

What a miserable way to live. So I’m going to give myself advice and share it with you here.:

Stop selling yourself short. Depression is heavy enough to deal with without you adding more weight to it.Do something that makes you smile. Surely something positive out there brings a smile to your face, no matter how slight.Make a list of accomplishments. Even a little bit of progress is still progress. Own it.Do something new. The day-to-day grind is a routine that can stifle and suffocate spontaneity. I’m not proposing that you toss your responsibilities out the window, but make an effort to break your routine. Go for a walk. Change your scenery. Do something different.Go have some fun. Find somebody—friend, family member, pet, lover—and go on a positivity date. I know. It sounds so dopey. But if I just hang out with my friends, we always start talking politics. It’s all too negative. I need to do something upbeat and relaxing. Laugh. Smile. Would it kill you to have some fun?

I’ve taken most of this advice tonight as I wrote this blog, and I already feel tons better. I’ll attend [FanX comic con](http://fanxsalt lake.com) this weekend with a daughter and a friend, so #5 will be taken care of as well.

Depression will rob us of joy if we don’t fight it. I can usually handle this battle, but when life is stressful, and responsibilities pile on like sacks of heavy potatoes, it’s hard to get out from under all of that weight. These five tips didn’t magically wipe away my depression. It’s still there, lurking under the surface. Fine. Let it lurk. I’m back in control. At some point you, too, are going to be tired of the sadness. Use that moment to make a change. Recommit to your coping strategies. Make sure you’re taking your medications. And screw your head back on straight. It’s time to start enjoying the moment. You can do this.

~Dˢ

You Can Do It! Defeating Mental Health Issues with Your Own Voice

You’ve heard that you are your best advocate, but are you giving yourself pep talks? Maybe you should be.

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For years, I have been an advocate for talking out loud to oneself as a way to organize one’s mind. I’ve casually blogged about it (as can be read here), and there was one time I gave a tutorial of sorts on the subject over on healthyplace.com.[1] However, I have also been known to give myself advice as well as a pep talk, both here and in person, as a coping strategy for dealing with my depression. I have found talking to myself to be an effective coping strategy for ADHD & depression, despite people around me thinking it’s kooky.

I can do this!
You can do this!
You can do it!

You can find variations of those expressions all over my blog, but the “you” is usually you, the reader. In real life, however, I’ve been known to talk to myself in the second person as well.

Crazy, huh? I’m a certifiable nutter. But the technique works so well, I can’t see myself giving it up anytime soon. To be discreet, I’ve taken to speaking into my earphones as if I’m on the phone so nobody is the wiser.

Talking out loud to yourself is empowering

Recently, I read an article on this very subject.[2] There it was! Scientific evidence I wasn’t a nutter after all! What serendipitous joy! Apparently, saying “You can do it!” works even better that “I can do it!”. In practice, they found that…

…those who used the second person consistently completed the trial quicker and produced more power.

Then I read that the scientists gleaned their findings from the mind-stammering massive sample of twenty-two cyclists. That’s almost no better than my anecdotal observations. How fortunate for me that anecdotal observations are all I need when writing these articles.

Case in point, I once wrote:

Life is stressful for everyone. Where my depression and ADHD contribute is that one makes coping more difficult, and the other adds to the chaos. I tell myself “I can do this,” a favorite mantra of mine, and so I will, but it isn’t a simple matter of repeating the words. Coping strategies are more than mantras or prayers of hope. They are action plans.[3]

There is power in giving yourself a pep talk. When I’m unable to rise from bed, I tell myself “You’ve got this,” then force myself to move. When I’m under deadline and overwhelmed by stimuli, I take a deep breath and say out loud, “You can do this!” Then I do. You can argue that it’s a placebo, but I’m not sure if you can get the same results with made up words like “bibbity boppity boo!”. To me this technique is not a magical mantra. Speaking the phrases out loud engages the mind. I verbally reinforce what I already believe I can do. It’s a pep talk, but one that initiates a calm, focused state of mind. I’ve spent years practicing it.

You are The Little Engine That Could.

You don’t have to be an athlete to give yourself a boost when you need extra oomph. However, you do have to believe in what you say. Otherwise, you may as well be spouting gibberish.

You’ve probably heard of the story about The Little Engine That Could. Where other, larger trains passed up a hard job, the little engine showed them up, all while chanting “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” How curious that a children’s story from last century now has scientific findings from this century to back it up.

We can climb out of bed, shower, eat, and move out into the world despite the influence of depression. We can organize ourselves and prioritize our lives despite the influence of ADHD. The power lies within us to accomplish it. Now, you may say, “But I need my meds!”, and I’m not saying you don’t. I’m just saying that fictional trains may not be quite as trite as we’ve been led to believe. Maybe there is something to giving yourself a pep talk in the second or even first person. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll utilize whatever coping strategy will help me get closer to my goals, even if it makes me look a touch crazy.

So hold that phone close to the side of your face. Place your hand on your earphones as if you’re in a conversation. Find a private place and have a good loud chat with yourself. You’ve got this. You’ll be saying “I thought I could” in no time. You can do it!

⁂

If you’re looking for tips on how to help a loved one who struggles with suicidal ideation, read my book. I provide tips at the end of every chapter.

ADHD Adults: Ways to Talk to Yourself but Not Be Committed  ↩

You can do it! Scientists find urging yourself on in the second person is the key to sporting success  ↩

Excerpt from “ADHD: A Nightmare of Disorganization”  ↩

Eight ADHD Tips to Tidy Your Tabs & Bookmarks

You’ve heard the expression, “Less is more”? Too bad your bookmarks & tabs haven’t.[1]

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a support group out there for adults with ADHD who have a tabs & bookmarks problem.

Hello, my name is Douglas Cootey, and I’m a hard core tabs junkie.

Maybe this seems like a first world problem. Maybe you’re asking yourself, “What’s the big deal with several hundred open tabs and a million or two bookmarks?” If that’s how you think, you might need to join me at that meeting.

In theory there’s nothing wrong with lots of tabs and bookmarks. I did things that way for years. The problem I ran into, however, was although ToDo tabs were great, I had so many tabs open in my browser I couldn’t find what I needed. Just as ToDo lists can get long and unmanageable, ToDo tabs multiply until they become noise—no longer useful as resources or reminders. Bookmarks are the same way. Yes, you’ve saved that funny self-surgery with tweezers link, but where is it? Unless you organize your bookmarks regularly, they are probably a jumbled mess. They cease being useful. If you’re searching the internet for something you’ve already saved, maybe your system isn’t working for you.

Productivity takes a hit when our ADHD tendencies aren’t reined in for a simple reason: chaos means extra work. I once had so many tabs up, I kept researching the same material over and over again. I had forgotten the research was already available in two other tabs. Other times, when I do manage to remember my saved tabs, I have to dig through dozens upon dozens of them to find where the web pages I want are hiding. That’s assuming I don’t get distracted by an old tab during my search. I also find that open tabs can weigh on the mind. Many of them represent unfinished projects. When I’m not feeling tempted to finish them, they are probably distracting me from what I should be working on.

What turned me around was when my learning disabled daughter hopped onto my open Mac and somehow reset all my tabs. I had three windows open with 20–30 tabs in each window. Many of the tabs were open as a kind of wishlist on how I wanted to spend my time or money, but the majority were important research for my book. I literally sounded like Luke Skywalker when he met a certain long lost relative. All my research! Gone! Fortunately, my hourly backup allowed me to restore what was removed, but since that time I’ve changed how I utilize tabs and bookmarks. Why did I have so many open tabs anyway? It was terribly inefficient, risky, and a drain on productivity. If you’re as prone to distraction or wasting time on the internet as I am, you might find these tips helpful.

Wipe the slate clean – Sometimes bookmarks and tabs get away from you. They accumulate like Tribbles. Open tabs often represent potential distractions in the form of things you want to buy but don’t need, projects you think you’d like to do someday, or research info on fields outside of your purview. If your tabs are anything like that, just jettison them into space. Each open tab is a potential thief of your precious time. The easiest solution is to start over from scratch with a clean slate. Don’t be afraid to delete – Maybe you don’t have the heart to delete them all. Did you realize that most of your links are probably dead or point to a wrong page now? The web changes constantly, but the fear of losing something will keep you holding onto everything. Before I pruned my bookmarks extensively a few years back, I discovered bookmarks for dead Geocities pages dating back to 1995! Don’t be afraid to delete the detritus to streamline your bookmarks and tabs. If this panics you, there are ways to export your bookmarks into a file before you purge them from your browser. Yes, you could painstakingly prune each bookmark individually, but let’s be honest. Who has time for that? Use a read later app – Instead of loading up dozens of news stories into tabs, I like to send articles I want to read later to Pocket, a read later service. Then the articles appear on my Kobo ereader for later perusal, but they can appear just as easily in Pocket on the iPad. [Kindle]( https://amzn.to/2JPDFo2) users can use Instapaper for that purpose, too. Read all your news later, leaving no open tabs in your browser to distract you or clutter up your work environment. This has the added benefit of leaving no outdated bookmarks to prune through later. Segregate your browsing – I like to do my blog research on my iPhone. Writing research is left for my iPad. On my Mac’s browser, I keep only tabs that relate to my current project. Since I use iCloud, all bookmarks and pages are shared, so the segregation isn’t as hard core as it sounds. However, keeping a theme for each device helps me be more organized. Another way to accomplish the same thing is to use different browsers for your different projects. This can help you manage the clutter and keep important pages from being buried deep in your tabs. When I was researching my Pokémon book, I did all my work in a separate browser from the one I usually used. This made finding my research painless and productive. Segregating by browser or device is extra work at first, but once you get used to it, you will find the productivity benefits worth the effort. Browse in Privacy ModeI – One way to reduce open tabs is to develop the habit to browse in privacy mode, then delete the tabs when you are done. I realize that privacy mode is usually used for hinky sites you don’t want anybody but your ISP to know about, but you can use this feature for other purposes. I prefer to use the [Brave browser](https://brave.com) for this purpose. It never saves privacy tabs. This is perfect for cruising around the web on a whim, but leaves nothing to clean up later. I used to try opening a different browser window for general web surfing to keep my work browser window clean, but I ended up with multiple windows with dozens of tabs in each. Using a browser that deletes its privacy tabs is much more efficient.  Prune your bookmarks in steps – The above tips help out with tabs, but what about all those bookmarks you created? We save bookmarks because we think we’ll need the link later, but how often do we visit them again? As the years pass, the website content may change, or the sites may go down. If you didn’t ever make time to prune them before, then you have hundreds, if not thousands, of bookmarks to manually go through now. It can be intimidating. Unfortunately, without organization, you have chaos. Three steps simplify the process:

A. Make a backup of your bookmarks.
B. Delete all but the most important.
C. Prune the rest.

When I come across a group of bookmarks that I can't bring myself to delete, I remove everything but them, then set aside small, daily blocks of time to prune what’s left. It’s dull, but necessary work. Little by little, you’ll turn your bookmarks graveyard into a bookmark resource library. Keep tab & bookmark names short - To cut down on visual noise, and to make bookmarks easier to scan, use short, succinct names. For example, “Kolleen’s Killer Kettle Korn” can be simplified to “