Gerald Zgabay's Blog: The Sobering Faith Newsletter, page 3

Recent Podcast Interview - Marriage, Internet Porn, and Healing

I am thrilled to share with you some exciting news!

My wife and I were recently featured on Adi Tilford's podcast, 8000 Promises, where we discussed how we are saying "Yes" to God's promises for relationships and how we can continue to do that more effectively. Our conversation was centered around my most recent book, Opening Up, and we were reminded of the importance of bringing addictions, strongholds, and dependencies in our lives out of the darkness and into the light.

During our conversation, we highlighted the importance of being co-workers together in marriage and how being each other's biggest fans is critical to a successful relationship. One topic we delved into was Internet Pornography, which is, unfortunately, becoming more widely accepted as a cultural norm. However, it is not the norm, and this addiction or dependence on it is the erosion that corrodes our marriages and relationships from the inside out.

We also discussed how healing happens when struggling with Internet Pornography. My wife had an amazing response for the spouses struggling with a partner dealing with this addiction - freedom, and healing is not just for your spouse, but for you as well. It's essential to understand that while God can heal and save us, the individual is responsible for getting help, breaking pride, and walking in humility. To experience freedom from Internet Pornography, there must be a conscious decision to take steps to get help. The first step is always the hardest, but finding a trusted person who has experienced freedom or walked through the challenges associated with Internet Porn can help tremendously.

Overall, our conversation with Adi Tilford was enlightening, and we hope it will encourage others to open up about their struggles and find the support and resources they need to heal and grow. Let us continue to say "Yes" to God's promises for relationships and live a life filled with love and joy.

Check Out the 8000 Promises Podcast! https://www.aditilford.com/

Also, if you have any follow-up questions or would like more information on how to get help, please reach out to us!

Dealing with Shame and Guilt: How Pornography Addiction Affects Relationships and Quality of Life

Life is unpredictable, and we don't always have everything figured out. We all have our struggles, and for some, those struggles involve addiction. Addiction to certain things can be very embarrassing and difficult to talk about, especially when it is an addiction to pornography. When a man has a secret struggle with Internet pornography, it can negatively affect his relationships, work, and emotional well-being. When a man has an addiction to pornography, it can significantly impact his relationship with his spouse. When one partner in a relationship is addicted to pornography, it can take away from the intimacy and trust that is supposed to be there. It can also harm the other partner's self-esteem; they may feel like they are not good enough or that their partner is not attracted to them anymore. Pornography addiction can lead to a breakdown of communication in the relationship, with the addict hiding in secrecy to watch pornography instead of spending quality time with their partner.

The effects don't stop at the relationship level. Pornography addiction can also impact a person's ability to parent effectively. When a person is struggling with addiction, their mind is consumed with it, making it difficult to stay focused on other things. This can lead to neglecting their children or not being present with them when they need them most. This type of addiction often leads to feelings of guilt and shame, which further erodes the individual's ability to be a present and responsible parent.The idea of addiction to pornography brings feelings of shame and guilt. These feelings come from the addict's inability to control their addiction and not wanting to share their struggle with anyone else. Guilt also stems from the fact that they recognize the addictive behavior is wrong, goes against their values, and can jeopardize their most cherished relationships. It's essential to acknowledge and confront these feelings head-on.

One primary way to overcome shame and guilt is to talk about the issue with a trusted friend, family member, mentor, therapist, or life coach. Opening up to someone willing to listen and confidentially is freeing and can help relieve some of the stress and anxiety. Seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist specializing in addiction is critical. These trained professionals help addicts identify their addiction's root cause, devise an individualized plan to overcome the issue, and help them rebuild their relationships effectively.

Dealing with shame and guilt while hiding an addiction to pornography can profoundly affect one's relationships and quality of life. These feelings can be debilitating and make life seem unbearable. However, the path to healing begins with acknowledging the problem and seeking help from trained professionals. Talking to someone we trust, combined with a supportive network, can offer hope and encouragement to those struggling in their relationships, making them better at parenting and able to prioritize the most important things in life.

Here are just a few resources to help start the process of opening up:

She Recovery - Porn Addiction Support for Women - www.sherecovery.com Live Free - A Private Community for Men Seeking Freedom - www.livefreecommunity.org Be Broken - Helping Individuals and Families Move from Sexual Brokenness to Wholeness in Christ - www.bebroken.org 180 Recover - Safe Communities where Men Find Freedom - www.180recover.com A Proven Plan for Men - Book by Douglas Weiss, PhD The Last Relapse - Book by Sathiya Sam For Your Eyes Only - Book by Kirk Samuels

If you have any questions or want to continue the conversation, please email me at info@geraldzgabay.com or connect with me on social media.

Long Road - Part 4, The Resistance

"Haters gonna hate." A phrase that I have adopted over the years meaning that I make an attempt not to let others’ opinions ultimately affect me when dealing with my journey; my faith journey. Back in the day, the phrase was used to justify and protect actions that were looked down on by the general public. But here is a hard truth, haters are on both sides of the cross. Meaning I had haters before I chose to follow Christ and after. 

I have had to grow some thick skin over the years because of reactions to some of the decisions I have had to make to not drink or socialize as I did previously, before proclaiming my faith ( check out Hangover to Jesus for the whole story ).  Why? Because when I made the decision not to drink, smoke, hang out all hours of the night, put myself in compromising social situations or participate in drugs I started a ripple effect. The ripples crashed on the shore of others’ expectations of me, causing frustration, and irritation for some. The ripples were felt in the workplace, in my marriage, and in my social circles. People around me weren't intentionally acting out of those emotions, but they just didn't understand. Suddenly, you have nothing in common with a person that you seemingly knew for years. I think most of the awkwardness is from being surprised, caught off guard and understandably confused.  It is literally like you are speaking a different language that they cannot understand. Especially if Christ is at the center of your recovery. And those closest to us are the most affected by it.  My wife and I had to learn all over again how to interact with each other without the influences of some chemical induced emotional state. We also learned that friendships would be strained by our decisions. In most cases, we had to end relationships or limit interaction with some who were detrimental to my recovery; to our recovery in our marriage. Mostly, because they just didn't understand why. Why would we just stop? The truth was more intimate and confusing for me, and for us as a married couple. Intimate because we had this shared experience with the Holy Spirit at the Salvation Army in Waco ( read Hangover to Jesus for the whole story ) that we couldn't completely explain at the time. It was like one of those "you had to be there" stories. Confusing because I was navigating newfound loneliness and separation from what I had considered a large part of my existence. My wife and I spent a lot of nights just being with each other, which isn't a bad thing. But, to go from a highly socialized situation to just us two, things naturally changed and were often challenging. I am fortunate and blessed. God placed an incredible woman in my life, Tabby - my wife. She supported me, encouraged me, and pushed me in ways that would help me see the forest, not just the trees.

When you make a choice to change, to take a leap of faith, to truly engage God in your life - the resistance will come. It is part of the "long road out of hell." Unfortunately, this resistance often comes from those closest to us (spiritual warfare is also a major contributor to resistance, more on that in a later blog). I can't tell you how many times I had some of the closest people in my life ask me if "I was still not drinking?" How many people would make comments like "you still not smoking weed?" "How long are you going to be sober?" My response would be "as long as I can" or "forever." People just didn't get it, and they didn't need to get it. While some were proud and giving the "...that's cool" or "I only drink on weekends" responses, they just didn't understand why, and they didn't need too. It was my conviction, my journey; not theirs. Again, most people were acting out of misunderstanding, awkwardness or ignorance, and some out of deep convictions they themselves had but ignored.

Nehemiah, a man convicted and deeply passionate about rebuilding the wall in Jerusalem, is ridiculed by a couple of "haters", Tobiah and Sanballat. At first, they were confused about the decisions Nehemiah was making. However, it quickly turns to mock and ridicule when they realize Nehemiah isn't playing around. This isn't some weekend project. He is committed. In chapter 4 of the Book of Nehemiah, Nehemiah overcomes the discouragement. How? First, in prayer, he asks God for help, and when they placed their fear in the hands of God they found the resilience to push forward. As Sanballat speaks negatively about the types of materials the Jews were using and Tobiah makes comments in earshot of the wall builders attempting to sway them with scoffing remarks, they simply keep pushing forward. In other words, they "shake the haters off."

Dr. Brene Brown writes in her book 'The Gift of Imperfections',

"Without exception, spirituality - the belief in connection, a power greater than self, and interconnection grounded in love and compassion - emerged as a component of resilience."

She goes on to say that three patterns emerged out of her research of resilience: cultivating hope, practicing critical awareness and letting go of numbing and taking the edge off vulnerability, discomfort, and pain. Making a decision to stop drinking, doing drugs and ending relationships with people who are detrimental to recovery is vital to sobriety. Now think about the challenge of pornography addiction recovery? Many men and a growing number of women are losing hope and are overcome with the feeling of being powerless against its lure. While some deny that there is an addiction with pornography, many sit in addiction cycles that never reach the light of day. Porn addiction is the very essence of 1 Peter 5:7-9, "...that enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 

Creating resilience is essential to overcome the vices that hinder us and prevent us from truly experiencing God for ourselves. From starting on a path to a truly authentic, life-changing relationship with God. How do you build resilience in your addiction battle? Even with the very best desires, we can be reluctant to do the work of building boundaries, setting realistic goals, and believing in our selves. Why? We aren't prepared to battle, and we minimize the fact that with addictions it is truly a battle that will have wins and losses, some worse and more profound than others. We are all at different stages of the battle. Some of us need to enter the battle. Others need to honestly tell someone trustworthy about the addiction or stronghold. Then there are those who need to really answer the question, do you want to stop? Seriously? Lastly, we need to remind ourselves of Jesus' words to a man who he invited to be a disciple in Matthew 8:22. "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." This man sadly walked away from an invitation to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. Jesus is not being harsh but pushing a gut check moment. Those closest to us will at times be our biggest "haters". Whether it is deciding to not see a certain movie or go to an event. When honoring the boundaries, you build resilience but you will also be resisted. Jesus reminds us that he is calling us to walk with him, not make excuses for worrying about the dead. Or in other words, "shake the haters off" and walk with Jesus. 

Not sure what to do next? Have an addiction or need some practical guidance? Reach out to me at gerald@bebravebefree.org or go to www.bebravebefree.org for more information. 

Image Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/black-whit...

Long Road - Part 3, Alone I Break

To obtain true freedom from addiction; to experience real change a person must own who they are. Not accept it as an identity but own what they have done, experienced, participated in and seen. There are so many lies that float around within our minds about who we are that are fed to us from various sources every day. There are many men and women who ended their lives way too early, in part, because of the lies fed to them, lies they believed and at some point accepted as identity. I believed those lies at one point myself. While it is an oxymoron, I believed those lies more when I made the decision to change my life, to walk away from participation in drugs and alcohol. When I stood at the Salvation Army Church in Waco, Texas raising my hand in acceptance of Jesus Christ. The lies overwhelmed me each day. During the daily, hourly, minute by minute battle to walk in truth and transparency - the lies of being filthy, perverted, worthless, addicted, unworthy, unqualified and out of place began to become my truth in my own mind. My dependence on drugs, alcohol and other risky behaviors was bred out of lies. Lies that I believed, fear that I carried for years, confusion of who and what God was; but nothing compared to the lies that were directed at me when I became aware of an addiction to pornography.

The disciples in Matthew 16 are asked by Jesus, "Who do the people say the son of man is?" After a long answer that I am sure was the best they could come up with; he points the question directly at them, the men who were closet to him, the disciples. "Who do you say I am?" Peter boldly states, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." This is the "real" truth. This interaction with the disciples comes on the heels of the Pharisees wanting to test Jesus and treat him as some sideshow "Bob" by asking for signs and tricks. He asks the disciples who do the people say I am first, not because he is curious, but because he already knows. When he rephrases the question and directs it personally at the disciples. "Who do you say I am?", it is a teaching moment. We, along with the disciples, learn that it is one thing to hang out with Jesus because of what other people think, but it is entirely something else to be with Jesus because of what we, personally, think/believe. The reason I bring this into this conversation is to point out the "real" truth concerning addictions. Whether it be drugs, pornography or whatever, addictions are being used to escape. To escape from the emotions of feeling unwanted, alone or less than; or suppressing past hurts and pains, or feeling selfish or owed something - we are running from something to something. What Jesus is doing in the heart of this conversation is challenging the very men who have been walking with him to see the "real" truth when he asks, "Who do you say I am?"

Jonathan Davis and Brian Welch of Korn wrote a song called Alone I Break. The lyrics are intense and hard to listen to once you realize their meaning. Music was and still is huge for me as a tool to process feelings, emotions and just clear my head. The song Alone I Break hits home for me, and I imagine for a lot of us, especially those in the midst of faith crises or battling secret addictions. One section, in particular of the song, really encapsulates the battle when faced with an addiction:


Am I going to leave this place?What is it I'm hanging from?Is there nothing more to come?Am I going to take its place?Am I going to leave this race?I guess God's up in this place?What is it that I've become?Is there something more to come?
The battle becomes fiercest when we make a choice to take action and actively battle that which is enslaving us. Pornography is a drug like no other. It is widely accepted, widely mocked and is culturally saturated in every area of our life. We must be most careful when we are alone because we will break if we do not know who God is to us. I accepted Jesus Christ because of what those around me believed, what other's testimonies revealed but I didn't know Jesus first hand. If I was in the group and Jesus Christ asked me "Who do you say I am?", I would have stuttered and stumbled to figure out the right answer in an attempt to make those around me believe that I was "saved." The lies are so powerful when we are battling addictions mostly because we are still trying to define our relationship with Jesus. While when the churchgoer, Christian says "just pray, accept Jesus in your heart and you will be healed" can sometimes be true, it is not a reality for most of us. Most of us walk in and out of vices, white-knuckling our way through our triggers in an attempt to be healed while trying to walk, talk and act a certain way to be perceived as healed or saved already.

Healing starts with who you say Jesus Christ is in your life. Who is God to you? When I was leading a small group of teenage guys in a weekly bible study and doing all the right things I thought I was saved. I thought that I was okay even though I was really good at hiding my secret addiction to porn. When I was alone, I was breaking, wondering what I had become and if there was indeed something more to come. There was a lot more to come, but I had to get honest with myself and with those trusted individuals around me. I had to answer the question, "Who do you say I am?" 

When you are alone, breaking, sweating, just wanting to not screw up wondering if there is more. Wondering if you will ever taste true freedom write the question down - "Who do I say Jesus Christ is?" You need an answer to this question, its why Jesus asked it. He had a group of men who had decided to say "yes" we know what people have said about you, but he needed them to be challenged with who they believed He was before moving forward. You must know who Jesus is to you because in those moments of crisis, those moments where you feel the furthest from your true self when lies are coming from all directions it matters who you say Jesus Christ is to you. 

There is so much more to life than struggling through addictions and faith crises. Do you want to learn more about mentoring, about what walking in true freedom looks like, what actively battling really looks like? If so, reach out to me at Be Brave Be Free. Also, check out my book for more of my story of redemption through the most uncommon of ways, Hangover to Jesus.

Photo by Dmitry Ermakov on Unsplash

Long Road - Part 2, The Action

For a person of faith, porn addiction is not necessarily about how much porn, type of porn or duration of watching porn, it's about how guilty and condemned a person feels as they participate in porn. You may have seen the "Jesus Saves" signs in front of the adult video stores, strip clubs or the "Christians" standing in front of an adult entertainment convention. What emotion is triggered in you when you see this display of the clashes of "Good vs. Evil," "Righteousness vs., Rebellion"... "the condemned vs. the hypocrites."  
Craig Gross of XXXChurch was massively protested during the first years of XXXChurch and their type of outreaches. They would send teams into porn conventions and actually rent space out at the conference to set up their "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" booth. They gave out bibles and offered a prayer for the people around the convention. People on the outside looking in started to protest and demonize Craig and his teams as they enter the convention with a message of love. The purpose of these picket signs and people who sign up for these protest where... well hell I really don't know what the goal was. Because one group was showing love by action the other was being the judge, jury, and executioner by telling everyone walking into these conventions, including XXXChurch team members, they were going to hell. All the while millions of men struggle with porn addiction within the church framework and Christian environments in mostly secret addictions or cycling in and out of porn binges. These groups take it upon themselves to pass judgment of people they knew nothing about, they don't know anything of their past, their pains, addictions or the negative experiences they may have had with proclaimed Christians or within a church. And we wonder why so much secret sexual habits reside within the very places that are meant for healing, acceptance and unconditional love. These picketers, billboards, and protest provoke guilt, shame, sadness, anger, and condemnation; which, is actually some of the core emotions that drive a person to visit an adult-related business, participated in pornographic activities or a sex-based business. 
While some disagree with XXXChurch's approach, mock and judge the faith based on Jesus Christ's teachings that are at the core of what they do, there is a tremendous amount of hope, recovery, and freedom that comes out of their ministry. I am not an XXXChurch apologist, but I am partial to them. When I started this journey of porn addiction recovery - it was XXXChurch that I felt comfortable to reach out to. Why? Because there was a considerable amount of honesty,  transparency, and willingness to say the things that were in my porn addicted mind. Versus the denial, fake, "I pray for you bro" approach that I was experiencing around me in the local church. I was dying for someone to actually not lie, or attempt to "pretty up" the horrific, disgusting thoughts and if I can be so bold to admit, the excitement of the expectation of the euphoric rush of porn or some other form of sexually acting out. 
In my experience of my own journey of sobriety and the recovery process; and with mentoring men both one-on-one and in group settings - it is honesty, authenticity, and transparency that is the most useful attributes to start the journey. It is the feeling that a person is not weird, different or not accepted. I believe one reason sex-related industries keep growing is that the church has fallen short of bringing people into a loving relationship that is free of condemnation, judgment and a fake response of prayer. For the hand full of churches we have worked with behind the scenes there is a denial of an issue or an issue within the leadership group that prevents effective programs to be launched within a church. But most of the time there is a lack of individuals that are on a journey of recovery, therefore, a lack of leaders in pornography addiction recovery. Hints why para-church organizations like XXXChurch and Be Broken thrive and my wife and I have a voice with Be Brave Be Free. While prayer is a valuable tool, the addiction is real and must be approached like that, an addiction. While sin is the bedrock of the addiction, that doesn't help the addict in the moment of crisis. An addict must first realize there is an addiction, realize there is a problem. If you have broken your leg you don't need someone telling you all the reasons why you broke your leg, you just realize your leg is broken, and you need help. In my personal experience, and with other men, usually, the explanation of the sin associated with the addiction is not the game changer. It is the realization that they can live without porn, realizing that their life is fuller and has more life without porn. Realizing that they will always be a porn addict walking in sobriety and that the awareness of triggers, situations, emotions and their responses will be critical to that continued success in walking in a real recovery. Walking through any addiction usually uncovers vast amounts of pain, hurt and yes past sin that is not always isolated to one particular "sin." It is typically several factors of pains, misunderstanding, distortions of truths and lies that have to be realized before true freedom is achieved. Addictions are all-encompassing.    
When I was interviewing my dad for my first book, Hangover to Jesus; I discovered something that was incredible enlightening when I asked my father about how Alcoholic Anonymous freed him from his addiction to alcohol:  
Me - "Tell me how Alcoholic Anonymous broke your addiction to alcohol?" Dad - "AA didn't break my drinking..." Me - "What? I thought that AA...."Dad - "No, it helped, but it started with a decision. A decision to stop. I had to make the d ecision. "
It wasn't XXXChurch that "broke me" from pornography. It wasn't some sermon or prayer. While those may have played a part, it was a decision. While people praying for me and books read played a part, they didn't decide that I needed help. I did. After a night of leading a bible study for teenager guys, cleaning up our house of trash, pizza boxes and mopping the floors I settled in for the night. I took my laptop to the bathroom to do my business. The idea, the lie was that I was just going to listen to a sermon. I ended up watching some XXXChurch videos of their programs and what they do. I remember this feeling of "this is crazy, no one has porn addictions. Porn is just a normal action. Porn doesn't affect me." Then ten minutes later I am watching porn.
Some of the most depraved, disgusting porn. I realized what I was doing almost in a trance. I close the laptop, place on the vanity, and sat in complete conviction. I believe conviction from the Holy Spirit. Not from anyone but from a spiritual place. There was no condemnation, guilt or shame at that moment. It was a realization that I was addicted to porn and the thoughts, past experiences, horrible things that ran through my mind where not good for me. That my desire for porn and everything involved with me getting that shot of dopamine ( Click here to find out more about Dopamine ) was a problem. 
I made the decision at that moment that I would get help. I took the action of sending an email to XXXChurch and received an email back the following day. I was in a support group before the end of the week. Now I wish I could say that everything was over and healing took place immediately but it is a process. The process has to lead me here. This is why the action must be taken by you, the porn addict. Don't let others judgment or condemnation or weird sermons of the subject draw you back from what you need to do. What is your next action? Is it to simply make a decision, to reach out, to involve someone trusted in the journey?
Take the action. Be Brave Be Free - Mentoring
Other resources hope stories: Brittni new found hope - 2013, Diamond Dee - Redemption Story
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Long Road - Part 1, Christians we have a Problem

Jim Gaffigan is an American comedian that is known for his satire at the expense of the most well known fast food establishments in America. He has this one practical rant about McDonald's that is, in my opinion, some of the most hilarious and quick-witted material he has done next to the Hot Pocket bit.  There is a particular bit about McDonald's that he reveals that embarrassment and denial that people go through in admitting they eat at McDonald's (Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YDTf...). He explains that so many people deny eating at McDonald's or are embarrassed to be seen at McDonald's because of the overly opinionated, overly conscientious community that we live in of health food enthusiast. The point he makes is that "McDonald's sells six billion hamburgers a year and there are 300 million people in this country...I think everyone is going to McDonald's!" It's a great skit. People laugh because it is true. There is the negative reputation that McDonald's has that stems from the quality of their meat to the ingredients of the food to the way they have been placed into the childhood obesity discussion as a significant contributor over the years. But still, we all line up in those drive-thru lines and go into those plastic paradises of red and yellow decor seeking a cheap meal made with cheap products that for the most part has no health benefits. 
There is a great parallel we can draw from this joke concerning the rash of denial, ignorance and over blatantly ignoring of the porn addiction and the effects it is having on individuals, relationships and the culture.

For the point of this discussion, I want to discuss the massively unspoken issues with porn usage within organized Christian churches and denominations. Not to demonize one church over the other but because my passion, my drive is that porn addiction would be a more recognized, respected and resourced area of churches. I truly believe that families could be radically changed by one man's choice to abstain from porn, to be mentored through the addiction and create real responses to the daily triggers that are associated with the addiction. Churches would become more abundant in transparency, and the development of authenticity would better equip us as people to actually help people from a place of complete truth and openness. The intensity and love behind discipleship would be free of the barriers of sexual strongholds and porn addictions from both parties.

I once told a senior pastor of a large church as we met about what addressing porn addiction in the church would look like - that I would first assume that 90% of the men in this church struggle in some degree with some type sexual stronghold or distortion. Maybe not a full blown porn addiction but something sexual that is either related to sexuality, fetishes,  frustrations, abuse, dreams, thoughts or other areas that deal with medicating, acting out or dealing with emotions by acting out sexually. I am just not pulling numbers or making up stats. Some is based on reliable studies done by the Barna Group; (https://www.charismanews.com/us/45671...) who in there last study that focused on porn and affairs of those who identify themselves as born-again Christians revealed 95% admitting that they have viewed porn, over half of those within the last month and the remaining seen porn within the last 90 days. Also, 30% had an affair, and about 30% were erasing internet browsing history consistently. The stat that blows me away is that only 18% admitted to a porn addiction - when in reality all 95% had a porn addiction at some degree. I have mentored 40+ men through porn addiction, and for the most part, these men were men who had admitted that they have a problem. All these men where proclaimed Christians by their own convictions. I fell into this as well. I was a self-proclaimed born again Christian who used porn regularly. I can tell you I have talked to way more men who have denied an issue with porn, or skirted the question or attempted to cover up their porn usage in there lives with mission work, discipleship, spirituality or overly referencing books. And those where the self-proclaimed Christians. 
So let's think about this, a little sneak peek at what rolls around in my head when it comes to churches, porn, men and families. Now I do admit I didn't grow up entirely in a church environment and my journey to the cross is a little different then most but I believe closer aligns to most then credited (read about that journey here: Hangover to Jesus). But I have also worked in business for 19 years, and there is something called outside consultation. This is someone or a group that comes in to give an assessment of what the company is doing. They dig into leadership, products, compliance, financials and on and on. You are essential standing nude in a business sense and allowing some to point out and question whatever they want. And you pay them for this! The idea is that you have a fresh vision and can enhance areas that are going well and fix areas that are not so good. I have also worked in churches and with leadership, sometimes more in the "shadows" talking about issues related to porn addiction and all the effects associated with porn addiction. What I have found is that people either recognize the problem, skirt the issue or are crippled by their own secret, lonely, dangerous addictions to porn. And this is where I land at, it is a long road out of the depths of porn addiction. While some attempt to mask their addictions with the intense faith and intense spirituality the truth lies right under the surface - the dangerous addiction to porn that is waiting to destroy, to seek death and to pull the individual deeper into the addiction all while proclaiming Christ.

Where do we start? One person, one man at a time. That's where we begin. The Catholic Church is going through a massive issue with sexually related issues that have destroyed and brought a significant amount of pain on people. The Catholic Church has been highlighted, but this happens in literally hundreds of other churches in all denominations across the US but fly under the radar for one reason or another. I look at these situations from the outside looking in and see men, men that know the Bible better than most and have some relationship with God, so wrapped up in porn addictions for years that lead to these horrific actions. Addictions are progressive. There is always a need for more; hence why porn is considered the gateway drug to sexual trafficking, prostitution, rape, and sexual abuse. What I have seen through my own experience while working with leaders with porn addictions, is this: isolation and lack of trust in people to share with is a significant component of the ongoing unwanted habits. Someone to trust to admit the addiction to, and the ability or offering to walk with a real mentor, or counselor or psychiatrist that has to experience freedom from porn addiction is missing for one reason or another.

Why do some people have an inability to control their use of pornography? While do some people continue to have sexual encounters with multiple people even in the face of consequences? Porn addiction and other sexual strongholds are complex. But with an active mentoring relationship the addict of porn can discover factors like the history of abuse or addictions in their own lives, realize a biochemical problem, be aware of abuse or trauma that has contributed to the addiction. So many people accept Christ, proclaim their alliance with God and say "I am Free From Addiction!" But in most cases, it doesn't work that way. If you have been depended on porn for years upon years you must develop a battle plan, you must be equipped. You must learn this new life, this new approach without porn being the secret outlet, the secret little dark place that you act out your frustrations, angry's, other emotions and deal with lives up and downs. You must be provided resources, tools and weapons to fight. That is why my wife and I do what we do. Its why we provide mentoring, resources and tools. Its why we find great outreaches to work with like Be Broken (www.bebroken.com) and great resources and tool sites like Covenant Eyes. Check out www.bebravebefree.org for more information about resources, tools, and services.

Christians we have a problem, everyone is saying they are not struggling with porn but is that really the truth? Are we as Christians being honest with what is going on in us and around us? Are we willing to allow someone from the outside take a look around those secret places, those areas of our lives we are shielding from our Christian friends, co-workers? Are we as Christian leaders being open and honest about the struggles with porn and sexual strongholds? If your not - reach out!


Photo by Hunter Haley on Unsplash

Holiday Season Interruption

Ahh.... the holiday season. A time to break our routines from the other ten months of the year to spend the months of November and December in a state of anxious bless in the attempt to accommodate family and friends. A time be in a mad rush to satisfy all the expectations brought on by everyone around you. The time of the year that brings the culture pressure to participate in all of the Americanized traditions of Thanksgiving and Christmas. No wonder there our more predetermined binge drinking nights sandwiched around the holiday season. Lord knows I participate in my fair share. The Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is a popular one where family members and friends get "liquor upped" in preparation for the all day events of food, watching football and dealing with family that are rarely seen or dealt with that seemingly have an option about everything. Now, please hear some of my sarcasm. I know this is not everyones experience with the holidays and I know there are some truly good memories surrounded around the holidays. Additionally, I am not against the holiday season; however, there are some real struggles of interruption for those who struggle with addictions and emotional triggers during these holiday seasons. 
Each year I am reminded about the real pressure and triggering events associated with the holidays that results in relapses and binges. Especially pornography but alcohol and drugs or even food can be throw in that as well. No matter the age or life stage; whether you are single or have a family; the triggers of the holidays slap us all in the face in one way or another if we aren't prepared. I walk men through a various of exercises while building a life that supports sexual integrity one of which is foundational: identifying triggers. Recovery is impossible without identifying the triggers that results in the urges and unwanted desires associated with "acting out" (IE: looking at porn or masturbation; getting drunk, over eating). For the context of pornography addiction or unwanted sexual desires the trigger categories consist of: sexual triggers, emotional triggers and non-sexual environmental triggers. In my experience both in my own recover and with those I have mentored, triggers are essential to the recovery process and act as a organically growing resource for the individual as life changes. 
The next step of identifying triggers is coming up with healthy, realistic responses to those triggers. For example, if your sexual trigger is walking in the mall by Victoria Secret; your healthy realistic response would be to either avoid the mall all together or if you have to go to the mall then predetermine a route that avoids Victoria Secret. Another one would be if sexual scenes or sexual language are triggers in movies or TV sitcoms, then the response would be to research the movie  or TV sitcom before making a decision (FYI, Plugged In Online is an awesome resource for this). An example of a emotional trigger would be the emotion of loneness and an example of a non-sexual environmental trigger would be a time of night or atmosphere of a room. In which the responses would include predetermining a person that can be called upon in those lonely times and making some environmental and cosmetic  changes to room. Triggers are surface level at first but the idea is to continue to dig deeper and as the surface level triggers become second nature to respond to them in a healthy and realistic manner it opens up the opportunity to tackle the deeper, more intense triggers. This is were the deeper elements of addictions are brought out, where root issues are discovered, where brokenness and hurt is dealt with. 
Triggers and responses are a great tool and a great daily practice for those struggling with addictions. These practices work amazingly in our normal routine because we build our healthy response around our daily routines, interactions and normal interruptions. But how do we handle major interruptions like... Thanksgiving or Christmas? You build a battle plan. We don't like to think about the holidays as a battle but it is a battle of the mind when a person struggles with addictions or is in active recovery and is bombarded with triggers all at once. Build a battle plan. What's this look like? Well, it looks a lot like a battle plan for war. Here are a few guidelines:Prepare for the unknown - Depending on the situation, stage of recovery, family and life stage prepare for what could happen. Just like in battle things change, things happen. For example: if you are traveling a long distance you could have a flat tire or car issues; if you are traveling with a car full of kids there could be a child who throws up in the car; traffic; road closures; if you are in marriage the tension of preparing for holidays usually causes some "healthy" banter.... This is an excellent time to grab your spouse hand if your are married and pray over the trip, holiday, kids and whatever happens. If you are single, take time to pray with a friend or mentor to prepare and gain insight. Develop Realistic Expectations - We all have expectations of how situations should go or how we will experience them; however, our expectations usually our far different then the reality. Therefore take some time to ask God in pray about expectations of the event. Retreat, hide or withdraw when needed - Lets be honest for a moment... a lot of the holiday season for most of use is forced. We are forced into holiday parties, family gatherings and events that if some of us are honest throw us into complete oblivion. Don't be afraid to retreat, hide or withdraw. Now I am not saying to sit on the steps outside the house until its time to leave but what I am saying is to be free. If someone says something that throws you into a trigger, or you feel an emotion building up, or someone offends you or challenges you - take a retreat. The best military leaders of our time were strategic in knowing when they needed to retreat, come up with a new strategy and get back on the battle field. This is were battle verses come into place, Romans, Proverbs, Galatians.... Predetermine an escape plan - Determine when you are going to leave the situation. Write down a time to leave and stick to it. This is were boundaries are really important. If you are married with kids, predetermine how the kids will be watched and when to get them ready to go. Prepare your kids as well. Also if the situation gets be to much, then retreat and come up with a plan to escape. This doesn't have to be super weird or awkward; it just needs to be work for you. Remember it is your journey, your life and you ability to escape a situation that can potentially throw you into relapse and binging. In 2 Corinthians 10 there is a statement that the Apostle Paul says that is used in sermons and debates a lot but still the simplistic notation is usually missed. In verse five he states, "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." What is the holiday season but one lofty opinion after another when it comes to how we are living our lives; judgement comes from all sorts of channels. But no matter what channel that lofty opinion comes from Paul is reminding us to take every thought captive. Build a battle plan for your holiday season and I guaranty you will find more joy in the holidays. The whole context of 2 Corinthians 10 is Paul defending the ministry - but to defend our ministry we must have a battle plan that is effective, life giving and diligent. On that note - have a Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas. 
If you have any questions about this post please feel free to email me at gerald@bebravebefree.org. 
Photo by Med Badr Chemmaoui on Unsplash
        

Identifing Roots

The reality is that when death occurs around us it reminds us of our own mortality. The fact that we are utterly out of control, bouncing around the world attempting to make sense of what is to come. What we cannot control. When I was around 12 years old or so I was faced with several deaths around me that were within our family. It may had been earlier then 12 years old but I remember being consumed with the reality of death. If I am honest, the thought still haunts me at times, challenges me. The idea that you are here one moment and gone the next is a insane thought. A thought that can drive anxiety and throttle fear into a place that is paralyzing. Some of you may know this feeling. When I was a young adult I was neck deep into a lifestyle that was completely out of control and yet was so seemingly controlled by me. I was intrigued by the occult, why? Because it seemed to be a instance gratification of something powerfully interacting with me all the while sharing these experiences with a few others. When you have shared experiences with other people and they have the same experiences it is a source of vaildation. There are experiences that I have had with some people during this time in my life that no one outside of us would even believe. But we experienced them. Was it evil? For the most part, yes. Was it real, I think so. I had started dabbling in the occult (of course that is not what I called it at the time) when I was around 16 or 17 years old  (maybe earlier in more childish ways) with a small group of about four or five others. None of us really knew exactly what we were playing with and invoking but we knew that something communicated and that was enough for us. The odd thing was that my interested was perked after some counseling sessions wth my priest at the Catholic Church we attended sporadically. I remember one specific conversation that I prodded him until he opened up about it. The subject was exorcisms I had seen on movies. I had watch my fair share of pretty dark movies with spiritual undertones like Amityville Horror, The Exorcism (I - III), Hellraiser and of course Nightmare on Elm Street (many others as well). These movies did not independently push me into an interest in the occult, wanting to jump into the darkness but it did stoke an already growing frustration with religion and God. My questions while sitting across from my priest were pointed and direct from an awkward 12 / 13 year  old kid. Why is evil so active? Why is God so silent? Why does the 'satan' or a group of demons seem so interested in the living, deceiving and entertaining desires of the flesh? I was consumed with connecting to the spirits through many years of my life and to make matters more intense I was involved in relationships that entertained those curiosities in occultist activity. (find our more by clicking here, Hangover to Jesus) From tarot cards, ouija boards to discussions that minimized the impact of these actives. 
During this time in my life was the most intense time as far as drugs, alcohol, pornography and other actions and things I participated in that I would rather not mention. I look back on this time of my life and am reminded of it every time I sit with a man struggling with addiction. Struggling to say no to pornography or other sexual strongholds. Without getting into the evidence and supporting resources, sexually acting out and distortion of sex is at the core of the occult interactions in some form or fashion. There are a handful of times throughout the Bible that we are warned to stay clear of mediums and psychics, to stand clear of the demonic activity. Now I am not saying that some people don't have a gift and can see more then the average person, what I am saying is that there are warnings in the Bible about mediums and psychics and there are instances where the dead visit the living. I also acknowledge that this country has a dark history of some horrific things that were done to people, among those things was a disturbing event in the 1690's of the witch trials. Over two hundred women were thrown into prison for witchcraft and out of those 200 about 20 where burned alive in public. Disturbing. Later when some realizations and misunderstandings were relized the women in prisoned where let out and the families of those put to death were compensated. What I am getting at is that we just don't have a handle on this as a people group to this day. And as witchcraft and occult religious practices grow in our country in popularity we have a great intrigue going on among people. Why? Not totally sure but from my own prospective fear is playing a role in this. God's message is faith and the freedom to choose obedience to His message of grace, unconditional love and hope. The other side is speaking from a place of instance gratification, entitlement, selfishness and hate. There are two messages with two very different outcomes. 
There is an interesting account in the Bible in Acts 16. Paul and Silas are imprisoned after being beaten publicly. You may remember the story, Paul and Silas are in prison and they start singing hymns and praying while other prisoners listen on. An earthquake occurs creating a crack in the foundation for them to escape. But do you remember why they were in prison? When they rolled into Philippi they were approached by a local medium / psychic who told fortunes. She was a slave girl but apparently had some respect because of her abilities to tell fortunes. As Paul and Silas are walking through town the girl interacts with them pointing them out as slaves of God. Berating them with an onslaught of words for a few days. Paul in is his typically, "I have had enough" attitude goes to the girl and proceeds to perform a exorcism on the spot. The girl is released of the demon and can no longer tell fortunes. The leaders are furious. Why? Because they depend on the psychic, they looked to her for guidance, comfort and direction. They were full of angry driven by fear. Fear of the unknown. 
Fear is a deeply rooted emotion. There are different types of fear but the fear I am talking about is that fear that sits in the gut, turning and tormenting. The leaders of Philippi knew that fear because they turned to something that they felt could provide them a remedy for that fear. They were caught in this worship type, dependent relationship with this girl with psychic abilities. Fear is a driver. Many men are rooted with a fear that is being satisfied or temporary sedated by sexually acting out. Modern day pornography is no different than David looking over a Bathsheba and lusting after her. It is an escape, a place of taking back this temporary control out of a place of fear, anxiety or those feelings of not measuring up because of performance based issues or the feeling of being out of control, out of place. 
Everyone has a root issue. When a man comes clean about the sexually strongholds or secret addictions in their lives, it is time to go to that closet way back in the mind. The place where the root issues lay. Why a person is so passionate about one thing or another? Why a man is so compelled to look at images on a computer screen or cell phone for hours? Why a group of people in Philippi threw men of God in prison for taking away their "god". Everyone has a root to why they are the way they are, and who and what they worship. 
So, how do you get to the root of your addictions, your strongholds the reasons why? While there are simple actions, abuses and overall pain that account for a lot of our root issues; there are also more sinister reasons. What we worship, what we look to for reason and comfort in the midst of fear and the attempt to control becomes our god, the idol. A few questions to ask yourself, what does your free time alone look like? What do you do? Is your faith in God involved in that time? When sadness, fear, anxiety or angry creep in what do you turn to? Social media, food, porn, Netflix, alcohol or do you have some people in your community that are positive, supportive and encouraging people that can have a real voice in your situations? The overreaching point to this is are you reaching out to God or the world? God offers true freedom, grace, inclusion and unconditional love - the world offers instance relief for a temporary time, offers dependence on man and offers a place to have company in your misery. 
What are the struggles? Addictions? Emotions? These are by-products of some root that is deeply ingrained that needs to be eradicated. But first we must be willing to go that deep. Cutting a tree down at the stump doesn't remove the tree, the roots must be removed for new growth to occur.  
Photo by Zach Reiner on Unsplash

Is it a Spiritual Problem?

Is pornography and sexual addictions a spiritual problem? In blog entry from August 16th, 'Hell of a Drug - First Action, Confronting the Issue' I posed the question of whether it was a spiritual problem. In my experience, both mentoring and in my own recovery journey; the question has been wrestled with by those in the midst of a sexual related addiction battles in some form of the following:
- "...if I struggle, then I must not know God"- "...if God was real he would heal me"- "...I must not be spending enough time in prayer"- "...I just need to read my Bible more, maybe I have given enough time to Jesus"- "...I need to fast better."- "...God does not love me"- "...maybe I am called to a life of sin"- "...I am being punished from something in my life by God"
....and on and on and on....and side note, Christian men seem to be the most unforgiving and relentless when if comes to believing lies about themselves and God. We will explore this later...
It seems that many addictions begin in the midst of crisis. It's true, addition is often created from a "pain". For me at a young age when pornography entered the picture it was the pain of fear, loneness and acceptance that a few porn magazines were able to numb. Everyone experiences crisis at some point in life and for must there are multiple crisis' throughout life. Crisis comes in different forms and at different levels of intensity from one person to another depending all all sorts of factors. For example, when I was a child a crisis was not getting the toy I wanted or losing at a game and now crisis comes in the form of job loss, sickness or relational issues. All of these are a crisis that deserve a healthy response. We go to great lengths to avoid pain. Anesthesia of modern day is pornography, sex, drugs, alcohol, technology and even entertainment. All which are readily available. I remember the first pastor that I meet with an internet pornography addiction. It was somewhat overwhelming. Me at the time a early 30's in the dawn of my recovery battle and a seasoned pastor of a Baptist church in his mid 40's in a heavy addiction that was just exposed by church leadership. This is were I first learned about pain being the root of addiction. Balancing the emotions and weight of the situation, respecting his lives work while walking through a highly secretive and sensitive area of his life. His marriage was suffering and relationship with children was strained. His ministry was suffering. Stressors about finances and pressure to keep a certain appearance was crushing him. There was a lot of pain. Internet pornography was the anesthesia for the pain. To numb the feelings and fears he would "injected" himself by access porn sites at his office or on his mobile device. This was not something new, he had medicate with porn for years and years. Starting when he was young after pain entered the picture as a young child, around 11 years old. The crisis as a child had created an addiction to porn that was now not exactly about porn but about how he was handling relationship issues. When issues arose in relationships and he felt exposed, judged or minimized his mind, body felt the need for a chemical spike of dopamine. The feeling of euphoria if only for a moment. Some get this by substance drugs, smoking, alcohol, physical harming themselves, and others access pornography and have sexual encounters (unwanted in most cases but seemingly needed to move on).
I believe the tension between expecting freedom over sin and the reality of addiction and sin is a struggle throughout life. Especially for those of us who have taken up the cause and are walking in victory from sexual strongholds. The tension is real for me - the line of victory and the reality that I am a recovering addict is real. Just how hard is this tension for those who are in a active full blown addiction? Monumental. I don't act like I know every addict but I can tell you for those who have seen some victory a prayer life is essential for strength throughout the recovery process. Victories and Freedom are fought for not given, granted or earned. They are fought for, they are sacrificed for, they are died for. The hard truth is that something must die for that freedom, that victory from pornography or any other sexual stronghold. Men and women each day make a decision to be apart of fighting for freedom. This is the Gospel, this is the Christian faith. Jesus Christ died for all sins of man. Why? So that we struggling through addiction would have a choice to be recused from our past our fallen world and be given a clean slate (1 Thessalonians 2). 
At the root of pornography addiction and sexual strongholds, the addiction is spiritual in nature. Addiction is nothing more then the process of substituting a dependency upon God for a dependency upon something else. Back to the pastor who struggle with internet pornography addiction. How did we start a road to recovery? How do I tell a man who knows the Bible, the words and interpretations of the Bible and history or the Bible. Who prayers daily, begging God for help. We started by drinking water and standing outside. Let me explain. We started with looking into triggers. What triggers him to have that sudden urge to want to look at porn. We study the physical triggers, sexual triggers, emotional triggers and environmental triggers. The compulsion was there - a 20+ year addiction is not just wiped away, it is fought against. A new solider in the battle of addiction doesn't usually have the advance weapons, in the case of a pastor or seasoned Christian they usually have the weapons but don't know how to use them. We started small. When you feel frustrated, sad, lonely or depressed; go outside on the porch and drink a glass of water while journaling thoughts, prayers and feelings at the moment. He came up with that response and it was affective. This is were the mentoring relationship started.
There’s no greater disservice to people than Christian men and women who refuses to participate in confessional vulnerability. If a Christian is unable to model confession, the people around will likewise feel an inability to live an honest life. The Christian who suffers in silence works from a depleted spiritual well. How can he or she carry the waters of grace to people when he  or she cannot pull from that well? If you are a Christian you have a unique opportunity to model healing and freedom for people around you in crisis. You have the amazing power to be the hands and feet of Jesus! (1 Corinthians 12:27)
Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

Hell of a Drug - First Action, Confronting the Issue

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug." Rick James made this comment after explaining his past behavior with drugs. The comment was to make some light about his addiction, issues and other drugs he was consuming. However, it was also a severe truth in his life. His life would eventually be affected heavily from these drugs. Like cocaine, pornography is a "hell of a drug". While the masses seem to still shy away from the word drug and addiction when the word pornography is associated with it, it is just that., a drug. This drug is just as addictive and damaging just as cocaine, heroin or any other ingested drug. The difference is pornography requires some screen time and has a general acceptance  and justification among the population, including church-goers. But what is that drive, that compulsion that demands the attention, the participation in an addiction? Well this is a question that can't be fully answered or discussed in one discussion nor fully explored but let’s unpack a common question surround pornography addiction.

Is pornography and sexual addictions a spiritual problem? When you have an addiction does this immediately equate to a strained relationship with God? Does an uncontrollable fetish or sexual stronghold determine your relationship with Jesus? Does this issue with pornography and sexual sin discount you from being used by God, to experience all of God's unconditional love?

Well lets go to straight to a staggering truth. According to the latest Barna Group study there are more than 50,000 U.S. church leaders using porn on a regular basis. That is 1 n 5 youth pastors and 1 in 7 senior pastors. In my small interaction with accountability and mentoring through porn addiction over half of the people I have mentored have been in some form of a church leadership, this includes pastors, youth pastors, missionaries,  and youth workers. But the number that totally drives me crazy is that 75% of pastors for the Barna Group survey said they do not make themselves accountable to anyone for their Internet use. If a portion of church leaders are suffering from pornography addiction then where can we assume the congregation is on this subject? So, I ask the question again; is pornography and sexual addictions a spiritual problem?

What I want to be careful of on this subject is not to give a free pass to just go on in addictions. Nor do I want a blanket judgment to go over all church leadership. My hope is always to bring awareness and a sustainable approach that brings on active recovery and sobriety to those dealing with an addiction and healing those who have walked or walking with the addict. So here we go...

First what is addiction? "Addiction is a complex disease, often chronic in nature, which affects the function of the brain and body. It also causes serious damage to families, relationships, school, workplaces and neighborhoods. Symptoms of an addiction include: loss of control, continued use of despite serious consequences, preoccupation with using, failed attempts to quit, tolerance and withdrawal." (Center of Addiction) [Side note, compulsive sexual behaviors are not recognized by the World Health Organization (WHO) under section 6C72 of impulse control disorders.]

Now what does the Bible say about addiction? A lot actually and this is why so many recovery programs and groups are focused on Biblical teachings. The one that I will point to is more obvious in 1 Corinthians 6. There is a lot that the Apostle Paul is discussing in this chapter and I am sure that there is a theologian that can break it neater then I am but overall Paul is going over a lot of situations that are causing separation. He is reminding them, the Corinthians. The Corinthians had caused much division and stress in the church. He isn't even talking to those that were outside of the church. He is reminding leaders and members of this church about greed, cheaters, drunkards (those under the influence of drugs or alcohol), idol worship (people, materials worship other then God), and sexual immorality. This was again inside the church walls. Paul very simply reminds them that "....do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) He is reminding them that even with all the junk they were in to that God loves them. That it is not to late, all is not loss. Encouraging them to step out of these strongholds. Just like then, now it is hard for someone to simply stop. Just stop something that has been a source of escape and comfort from various emotions, habits and behaviors built over the course of life's journey.

Why is pornography a hell of a drug? Because it is a drug that can be isolated, hidden and the outward affects our minimum unless you know what to look for. There are people reading this now that have an issue with internet pornography. The odds are you are running into people everyday at your work, at home, at grocery stores and at church that are struggling with a porn addiction that is realized, questioned, denied, unrealized, unacknowledged or on a recovery journey. It is the one drug being used throughout our Christian church movements among leaders and congregation. This drug of porn has multiple levels of distribution that feed a demand for some of the most vile, twisted industries that make mainstream pornography business seem like something on Mr. Rogers neighborhood.

Freedom and healing from an addiction is not a overnight process and sometimes not a year process. It varies from person to person, and depends on exposure and triggers tied to the compulsion and need to act out (in this using a computer for a "fix").

There are some immediate actions that can be taken and the first someone in addiction has to do is confront the issue directly and with total honesty and admit the problem. Face the fact that an addiction to porn  exist and the porn and/or sexual strongholds are causing your life to become more and more unmanageable. Without this admission, the choice of healing cannot be made, and lasting change is not possible. Denial is almost always present in any form of addiction, and it will try to convince you otherwise. But only the truth sets us free, and acknowledging the truth about what is happening puts a person on the road to healing.


Photo by yang miao on Unsplash