Gerald Zgabay's Blog: The Sobering Faith Newsletter, page 2

Overcoming Porn Addiction as a Couple

Tabby and I have been through a lot over the years, but we have also learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship with God. Our journey to overcoming my porn addiction was not easy, but it was worth it. Today we celebrate our 20th anniversary, and we are grateful for the healing and growth that has occurred along the way and continues to this day. 

Porn addiction is a reality that affects many individuals and couples. It can destroy relationships, break trust, and damage self-esteem. As partners, it can be challenging to navigate this addiction, and many may feel responsible or blame themselves for their partner's behavior.

However, it is essential to remember that we cannot change others; we can only encourage and support their decision to change themselves.

When we first recognized the issue of porn addiction in our relationship, it was challenging to communicate with understanding instead of blame, feeling shame, embarrassment, justification, and guilt. We needed to learn how to restore trust and empathy. Our journey was a process of moving from anger to forgiveness and gaining new communication skills and ways of approaching intimacy as a couple.

The healing process took time. I had to face my addiction, speak out and get help. First, I had to get open and honest with myself; I had to be open and trust my wife's response to that openness, then I reached out to a group that specialized in Internet pornography dependency and addiction. We immersed ourselves in healthy activities that boosted our emotional and physical health and helped us regain self-esteem. I did this by having an active support system that included accountability by those with first-hand knowledge and success. Throughout the years, Tabby and I have had therapy and counseling focused on communication, intimacy, and other issues that affected our relationship.

One of the most important reminders we have learned is the importance of being open with trusted, compassionate, honest, healthy, and productive people that can push, challenge, and give practical guidance. Unfortunately, we found this particularly challenging within the church community. A mixed message is presented in some church communities that separates, isolates, and sometimes pushes people away from God. This mixed message happens because of untrained, unaware, tone-deaf leaders possibly fighting their own secret issues, pride, or having a "pharisee complex."

Pornography addiction is an epidemic that destroys lives, hurts families, adults, youth, and children. It harms those whose lives it touches and destroys our faith and relationship with God. As Christians, it is easy to hide our involvement in pornography from our spouse, friends, and we even think we can hide it from God, just like Adam did in the Garden. We justify our actions by pretending we aren't addicted or harming anyone – it's just a phase.

However, when the Holy Spirit dwells in us, we have an overwhelming sense that "this is not right." To ignore that voice is to take another step down the spiral staircase. In our years of mentoring men, women, and marriages, we have seen people healed from this addiction, some miraculously overnight, some through the years. When walking through Internet pornography addiction and its effects of it on our marriages, it is a difficult journey that needs God's power. We must be open to calling out to God and praying constantly. 

For myself, I asked for help and accountability from someone I trusted. I found trust and support with XXXChurch.com (Known today as livefree.app). Above all, I was reminded that God loves me and will never stop loving me, no matter how far I feel from his love. God is the only One who can deliver us and lead us to help, so don't stop begging him for his rescue and mercy. But be ready to make a choice.

Overcoming porn addiction as a couple requires commitment, trust, empathy, forgiveness, and communication skills. The journey may be challenging, but it is possible with the help of qualified individuals and trusted support. Titling this journey as "Helter Skelter," we can say it is like a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs, twists and turns, and moments of fear and exhilaration. However, with perseverance and faith, we can emerge from this journey stronger and more connected as a couple.

The Journey of Faith

In my most recent book, Open, I share my personal journey of faith and how I struggled to reconcile my newfound faith with my past vices and secret struggles. It was a challenging journey, but it was also a journey of growth and transformation. Through it all, I learned that God is a God of process, discipline, and guidance and that our faith journey is not a sprint but a journey that requires patience and perseverance.

When I first accepted Christ and raised my hand at The Salvation Army in Waco, I felt a sense of relief that I had found a savior who could save me from my vices and struggles. However, I soon realized that my journey of faith was only beginning and that it would require more than just a simple raising of my hand. It would require me to change my habits, thoughts, and actions. It would require me to dig deep and confront my hidden secret struggles and dependencies.

As I started my journey, I struggled to break free from my old habits and addictions. It was a painful and challenging process, but I knew that it was necessary if I wanted to move forward. My wife Tabby and I had an opportunity to attend a retreat for church leaders; how this occurred was in itself a God moment. This is where we met Doug and Judy, pastors of a small church in East Waco. They became our mentors and helped us to navigate the challenges of my faith journey challenges.

Through this interaction, I learned that God places the right people and pieces in our path as needed. We are all works in progress, and even those who are committed to God's service can struggle with their own hidden secrets, struggles, and, yes, even demons. It was a humbling experience to realize that we all have our own struggles and our own journey to navigate.

The journey of faith requires discipline and guidance. It requires us to trust in God's plan and to have faith that He will guide us through the ups and downs. As Hebrews 12:11 says, "No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Our struggles and challenges may be painful at the time, but they will yield fruit if we allow ourselves to be trained by them.

The journey of faith is not easy, but it is worth it. It requires us to be open and honest about our struggles and trust God's plan, which often makes no sense in our feeble human minds. It requires us to have patience and perseverance as we navigate the ups and downs of life. As we journey through life with God, He will place the right people and pieces in our path to help us along the way. So, let us trust the plan, and let us continue to grow and transform in our faith journey.

The Importance of Support and Acceptance

I want to share a personal story that highlights the importance of finding support, embracing our differences, and loving ourselves and others. In my second book, Opening Up, I talked about a boy named Wil, whom I met while moving to a new town. Wil was a kid who loved music and was constantly moving his fingers as strings on a guitar, beating air drums…

Read more

"It's not your problem; it's mine."

Have you ever watched the Amazon series, Loudermilk? If not, it's a show about a recovering alcoholic and substance abuse support group leader named Sam Loudermilk. WARNING: This series has language and some potential sexually triggering scenes, so use caution before you check this series out, especially if you are endangered of being triggered. Throughout the series, Loudermilk discovers that getting clean is easy, but it's also important to recognize and address the underlying issues that lead to addictive behaviors. 

In one scene, Loudermilk responds to someone who apologizes for drinking alcohol in front of him by saying, "It's not your problem; it's mine." This resonates with the core of addiction - it's our responsibility to overcome it. As addicts or recovering addicts, we need to prioritize our well-being by acknowledging that our actions are our own.

The Sobering Faith Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Internet pornography addiction is a topic that has received increased attention in recent years. Although pornography addiction is not a chemical addiction like alcohol or drugs, it still has the potential to activate pleasure circuits in the brain and develop compulsive, habitual, and obsessive behaviors. In many cases, people turn to pornographic material to alleviate anxiety or fulfill a sense of loneliness. However, when these behaviors become habitual and compulsive, they can be indicative of a larger problem.

Loudermilk's statement that "it's not your problem, it's mine" is especially relevant for people struggling with internet pornography addiction. Recognizing the problem is the first step to recovery. Individuals struggling with internet pornography addiction may feel shame, guilt, or anxiety surrounding their behavior. However, it's important to acknowledge that these feelings are not unique to the individual and can be addressed through proper support and treatment.

One of the challenges associated with internet pornography addiction is the private and secretive nature of the behavior. Many individuals consume pornographic material in isolation without context, awareness, or education of the effects of this secret compulsiveness that affects themselves, marriages, and all realms of life. This can lead to feelings of shame and guilt, which can further exacerbate addictive behaviors. However, seeking support from a trusted individual or group can help individuals struggling with pornography addiction to break the cycle of shame and guilt and work toward recovery.

As Loudermilk points out, getting clean from addiction is the easy part. The real challenge lies in addressing the underlying issues that lead to addictive behaviors. In the case of pornography addiction, individuals may struggle with anxiety, loneliness, or other emotional issues that drive addictive behaviors. Addressing these underlying issues is key to breaking the cycle of addiction and creating a meaningful and fulfilling life.

The statement "It's not your problem, it's mine" perfectly captures the essence of addiction and the importance of recognizing and addressing problematic behaviors. Internet pornography addiction is a growing concern for many individuals, but seeking support and treatment can help individuals struggling with addiction to break the cycle of shame and guilt and work toward recovery. 

Are you struggling with internet pornography? We have good news! Our team is developing an online video support group just for you. With a monthly membership, you'll gain exclusive access to a private and supportive community designed to help you navigate daily battles and overcome challenges. You deserve a healthy start on your accountability journey. Stay tuned for more information - we're excited to share this with you soon!

The Sobering Faith Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Starting the Restoration Process

Restoration is an essential process that can help individuals overcome the negative impacts of life experiences and return to a state of wholeness and health. However, the actual act of restoring something can be incredibly challenging, especially when it comes to restoring a person. Growing up in a family affected by addiction, for example, can have la…

Read more

Recent Podcast Interview

Recent Podcast Interview - Marriage, Internet Porn, and Healing

Read more

Dealing with Shame and Guilt

Life is unpredictable, and we don't always have everything figured out. We all have our struggles, and for some, those struggles involve addiction. Addiction to certain things can be very embarrassing and difficult to talk about, especially when it is an addiction to pornography. When a man has a secret struggle with Internet pornography, it can negatively affect his relationships, work, and emotional well-being. 

When a man has an addiction to pornography, it can significantly impact his relationship with his spouse. When one partner in a relationship is addicted to pornography, it can take away from the intimacy and trust that is supposed to be there. It can also harm the other partner's self-esteem; they may feel like they are not good enough or that their partner is not attracted to them anymore. Pornography addiction can lead to a breakdown of communication in the relationship, with the addict hiding in secrecy to watch pornography instead of spending quality time with their partner.

Read more

The Power of Awareness

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are in autopilot mode, doing things without even being aware of them? It is common to go through life without being mindful of our actions, thoughts, feelings, and desires. However, when it comes to overcoming addiction or any destructive behavior, awareness becomes the key to success. 

Read more

Coming soon

This is The Sobering Faith Newsletter.

Subscribe now

The Power of Awareness: Overcoming Addiction and Unwanted Behaviors

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are in autopilot mode, doing things without even being aware of them? It is common to go through life without being mindful of our actions, thoughts, feelings, and desires. However, when it comes to overcoming addiction or any destructive behavior, awareness becomes the key to success.

The Apostle Paul warns us in 1 Corinthians 10:12, "If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" Therefore, developing awareness daily is essential to cultivate a healthy lifestyle promoting constructive diligence.

To become more aware, it is vital to take it one step at a time, moment to moment. One practical approach is to start your day off with an assessment of yourself. Take time to sit in a quiet place, put both of your feet on the ground, and ask God to give you clarity and focus. Start by asking yourself the following questions:

How do I feel right now? How do I feel physically now? What do I want to do versus what should I do? What emotion was I attempting to mask, conceal, or numb the last time I acted out? Have I experienced any triggers, whether sexual, non-sexual, environmental, or emotional, in the last seven days?

After completing your assessment, take a moment to pray and talk to God openly and honestly. Ask him for clarity, and then sit in a moment of silence. This simple exercise can set you on the path to cultivating self-awareness and developing an awareness of your environment.

Another essential step to developing self-awareness is identifying your triggers. These are the things that tempt you to engage in unwanted behaviors. When you become aware of your triggers, you can make conscious decisions to avoid them or develop strategies to overcome them. Moreover, you will be better equipped to deal with daily stressors that may lead to relapse.

The power of awareness cannot be overemphasized. It is the first step in overcoming addiction and any other unwanted behavior. By becoming conscious of our actions, thoughts, feelings, and desires, we can make decisions that will feed our soul, mind, and body and promote a healthy lifestyle that cultivates love, joy, and peace.

Therefore, take the time to develop an awareness each day, and you will be on your way to living a life free from addiction and destructive behaviors. Remember, God is always faithful and will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. So take heart, keep striving, and never give up.

For more information on recovery, visit www.geraldzgabay.com/books or email info@geraldzgabay.com for questions, concerns, or speaking engagements.

Reference: 1 Corinthians 10:12-13 (NIV) "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."