Gerald Zgabay's Blog: The Sobering Faith Newsletter, page 4

The Empty Sermon

I have heard sermons upon sermons on sexual purity and sexual sin in all different types of churches of all different types of denominations. I have even spoken at some churches on this very subject and lead group discussions and teaching on the subject of pornography. Since walking through my own pornography addictions, sexual related issues and stepping into a role several years ago to mentor and support those in the midst of their own addictions, I've learned about the empty sermon. 
The first sermon I heard about pornography and sexual addiction was the first time I didn't feel completely alone and weird about my own addictions. But as soon as I walked out of the church, got into the car and started to process the sermon I began to feel hopeless. Why? Because there was no follow up to the sermon. No one to follow up with. No resources other than the Bible. I am not saying that the Bible is useless or not life changing - it is. With addiction though, an addiction that has been built on years of actions, habits and behaviors that have supported that addiction, there is a need for some practical tools. I have mentored 40 to 50 men who struggle with different sexual strongholds such as, addictions to pornography and some to crossdressing and even some to homosexuality in a heterosexual marriage. I have walked with weeping men in ministry as they try to make sense of their pornography addiction while trying to lead a church and hold a marriage together. Men who had little knowledge of the Bible but knew that sexual addiction was tearing their family apart. Sermons are great, and they need to be spoken but the fact is that sermons on sexual addiction stir up shame, guilt and awkward emotions. The verses thrown out and personal views from the pulpit, while it can be constructive it can also be damaging to those in some deep seated addictions.
My first book Hangover to Jesus (You can find it here) is a memoir of how I came to have a relationship with God that was my own. That radically changed my life. But as I end the book I touch on the battle that had just begun with pornography, the battle to overcome the addiction. Throughout the book I attempt to draw a picture of a life that has been built to support a life of sexual related addictions. I found community, hope and real practical tools that helped me combat pornography addiction through a para-church program. Was it perfect? No. Was it the answer to everything? No. Was it effective? Yes! When I speak to a group no matter the crowd, church or civic organization; I safely assume that 80%-90% of my audience has some level of sexual habits that can be classified as undesirable and/or complusive. Whether it be pornography addiction, sexual acting out outside the marriage, purchasing sex, sexual related fetishes or fill in the blank. I assume this because for one it helps put myself in a posture of humbleness and honor. Secondly, it reminds me of my own battle. I remind men I mentor that when I am put into a position to mentor them, I am nothing more then a man who is further up the road of recovery and has experienced freedom through the battle. I am simply trying to get them further up the road. Freedom is not obtained then never fought for again, freedom is fought for everyday. My freedom is a bloody battle at times and some times its a walk in the park.
The point is that a sermon on "sexual sin" that offers no battle plan for freedom is empty for those with addiction. Sure it is a great speech that rallies the troops but then leaves them standing awkwardly because of a lack of a plan or resources. For Christians it seems to be more difficult to admit issues with sex, pornography or sexuality because of the huge judgement cloud that looms over Christians. There is so much more condemnation and misunderstanding and embarrassment that exist when a man is struggling with looking at porn. The levels and depths of porn and sexual addiction can range from so many levels. The "going to hell" crowd that instantly condemns those that say are in a heterosexual marriage and look at homosexual porn. Its rough. Those that our outside of the church, or maybe have a hard time with God, Churches and Christians I find that these people find an incredible faith through their recovery. Both groups realize one thing when they jump in the battle of their addiction.... they have a distorted view of God, God's love and who they are. 
This is why we do what we do. No matter the outcome and without any judgement we make ourselves available to those struggling. We love seeing people enter the battle, fighting for their freedom, their marriages and their families. If you have felt that feeling of despair and hopelessness after a talk focused around sexual addictions, we would love to hear from you. We have some great resources and would love to share what we have for your needs. Also we will be launching our website very soon, www.bebravebefree.org. If you are a church, ministry or any other leader that is having a hard time filling the gaps. Developing programs that are sustainable and life changing - contact us. We would love to talk with you!
The last thought is this. If you have that "gut" feeling that something is just not right with the way you view sex or the things you are involved in then find someone to start a conversation with. Trusted people, people that have some maturity and wisdom. If you have tried a thousands things or had those "this is the last time" moments and it never is - find someone. While we want the answers to come from our church family and our church leaders the fact is that while a lot of churches have solid people in leadership, others are struggling theirselves. Don't get so caught up in religion and denomination that you give your self an excuse to not get help. Your relationship with God your conviction and your life is a gift from God. And God wants the best for you. You can only love unconditionally when you have loved yourself unconditionally. 
Gerald Zgabay / Be Brave Be Free 
gerald@bebravebefree.org
Photo by Patricia Valério on Unsplash

Part 1: Are you a Christian…..and still battling with a sexual related addiction?

For the Christian men out there, those that claim a relationship with Jesus Christ. Those who have raised their hand in desperation and brokenness after coming to a moment where you realized that you needed God. Those that have grown up, raised their whole lives in the church knowing the scriptures inside and out. For those who preach the word, who write books, speak publicly, who are on staff with Christian organizations and evangelize in the name of Jesus Christ and for those who stand behind the pulpit preaching to a congregation – why are you still struggling with a sexual addiction? Those who have converted to Christianity late in life, who have seen the real value of relationship with Jesus Christ, who seemingly do all the right things, who are being discipled, who speak out against the injustices of the world – why are you still battling with that secret porn addiction? Why do you still run back like the unfaithful wife, Gomer in the Book of Hosea? After countless failed attempts, after reading numerous books, confessing to those you love the most, participating in support groups, and praying late night prayers of desperation and fear of being exposed of the secret sexual addiction struggle (IE:internet porn)? The fear of exposure of a secret internet porn addiction, anonymous prostitution visits, strips clubs on out of town business trips, or questionable relationships with another person that crosses lines that you wouldn’t want your spouse crossing cripples with. Why the struggle, why the consistent acting out in a manner that you compulsively seem drawn to still? Is it that you don’t know Jesus Christ? Is it that you are a hypocrite? Is it because you haven’t really believed you are saved? Maybe you haven’t accepted that you’re free from this addiction? Or maybe, just maybe you know all those things, love Jesus deeply, love the Word of God, know the truth and the simple answer is that you are just not doing the work.Carl Thomas of XXXChurch (www.xxxchurch.com) was the first person I heard say, “That the head knowledge needs to catch up with the heart knowledge.” This was said as he led the support group I was a member of several years ago when I was in the trenches battling my own addictions. When he said this, he was pointing out that we as a group of Christian men knew the truth and knew the love of Christ and all God had to offer but our daily approach to life didn’t support that knowledge.In my own journey; wait, let me explain this journey with an addiction. It is just that… a journey. For those reading this that are in the darkness of a sexual related addiction that has thrown your marriage, profession, or public life into question, you are on this very journey. For those who have struggled for years, seen small victories or extended ones with some relapses you are on the same journey. For those who have no clue or realization that sexual addictions are real – you are on this journey to. Why? Because we all have that little voice inside of us that causes us to question, to ponder what we are doing, who we are hurting and what the effects of the decision are going to be. Some have pushed that voice further down with other personal battles and some have run into addictions and horrible acts against themselves or others to be accepted or loved. We all fit into the same category but that’s not what I want to do, categorize you. I look at the journey as a road we are all on. We are at different points. I am further on the road then some, and there are some further up the road then me. The point is that we are all on the same road. Searching for acceptance, love and affirmation. The worst of the worst who does the most violent crimes against humanity is no different than you, seeking out and acting out in a sexual nature. Everyone is medicating.When I started this journey the first step I had to realize and ask myself, several times, Do you want to be free? Sure, we can pull a ton of scriptures that say why not to look at porn or have multiple sexual partners; however, when you ask the question, do you want to be free? It does something to you – forces you to really think about it. There is a great resource I use when mentoring with men who are fresh to the world of accountability or have never really been in an accountability relationship. It is by “Be Broken Ministries” called Purity 101. The reason I love this resource is because it gets directly to the heart of the issue. You! It’s not God, Jesus or the church (while I understand that church can damage us as well as leaders, but that’s another conversation that we do have during mentoring). John 5:5-9 Jesus tells the man sitting next to the pool who is complaining about why he can’t get to the pool for healing, Jesus doesn’t go and pick him up or ask people to move – he says, “Get up, take up your bed and walk.” It is the picture of Jesus being realistic. Knowing that we must believe in ourselves, that we have some work to do as well. You can’t go from a life of sexual related dependencies and immediately walk into complete victory. It is a nice slogan, but the reality is that you must learn to walk. You must build a life that supports your conviction. That is mentoring, that is accountability. Learning from those who are just a little further then you on the journey.First step: Ask the hard questions of yourself and ask God the hard questions. Don’t be afraid of the true answers and don’t ‘church’ it up. This is your life we are talking about! Do you want to be free? Do you fear a life of freedom because all you have known is a life sexually dependent? (I.E.: porn) Are you content with sin and secrecy? Have you lost hope for real change?Image Source:Noah Sillman @noahsilliman