Long Road - Part 3, Alone I Break

To obtain true freedom from addiction; to experience real change a person must own who they are. Not accept it as an identity but own what they have done, experienced, participated in and seen. There are so many lies that float around within our minds about who we are that are fed to us from various sources every day. There are many men and women who ended their lives way too early, in part, because of the lies fed to them, lies they believed and at some point accepted as identity. I believed those lies at one point myself. While it is an oxymoron, I believed those lies more when I made the decision to change my life, to walk away from participation in drugs and alcohol. When I stood at the Salvation Army Church in Waco, Texas raising my hand in acceptance of Jesus Christ. The lies overwhelmed me each day. During the daily, hourly, minute by minute battle to walk in truth and transparency - the lies of being filthy, perverted, worthless, addicted, unworthy, unqualified and out of place began to become my truth in my own mind. My dependence on drugs, alcohol and other risky behaviors was bred out of lies. Lies that I believed, fear that I carried for years, confusion of who and what God was; but nothing compared to the lies that were directed at me when I became aware of an addiction to pornography.

The disciples in Matthew 16 are asked by Jesus, "Who do the people say the son of man is?" After a long answer that I am sure was the best they could come up with; he points the question directly at them, the men who were closet to him, the disciples. "Who do you say I am?" Peter boldly states, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." This is the "real" truth. This interaction with the disciples comes on the heels of the Pharisees wanting to test Jesus and treat him as some sideshow "Bob" by asking for signs and tricks. He asks the disciples who do the people say I am first, not because he is curious, but because he already knows. When he rephrases the question and directs it personally at the disciples. "Who do you say I am?", it is a teaching moment. We, along with the disciples, learn that it is one thing to hang out with Jesus because of what other people think, but it is entirely something else to be with Jesus because of what we, personally, think/believe. The reason I bring this into this conversation is to point out the "real" truth concerning addictions. Whether it be drugs, pornography or whatever, addictions are being used to escape. To escape from the emotions of feeling unwanted, alone or less than; or suppressing past hurts and pains, or feeling selfish or owed something - we are running from something to something. What Jesus is doing in the heart of this conversation is challenging the very men who have been walking with him to see the "real" truth when he asks, "Who do you say I am?"

Jonathan Davis and Brian Welch of Korn wrote a song called Alone I Break. The lyrics are intense and hard to listen to once you realize their meaning. Music was and still is huge for me as a tool to process feelings, emotions and just clear my head. The song Alone I Break hits home for me, and I imagine for a lot of us, especially those in the midst of faith crises or battling secret addictions. One section, in particular of the song, really encapsulates the battle when faced with an addiction:


Am I going to leave this place?What is it I'm hanging from?Is there nothing more to come?Am I going to take its place?Am I going to leave this race?I guess God's up in this place?What is it that I've become?Is there something more to come?
The battle becomes fiercest when we make a choice to take action and actively battle that which is enslaving us. Pornography is a drug like no other. It is widely accepted, widely mocked and is culturally saturated in every area of our life. We must be most careful when we are alone because we will break if we do not know who God is to us. I accepted Jesus Christ because of what those around me believed, what other's testimonies revealed but I didn't know Jesus first hand. If I was in the group and Jesus Christ asked me "Who do you say I am?", I would have stuttered and stumbled to figure out the right answer in an attempt to make those around me believe that I was "saved." The lies are so powerful when we are battling addictions mostly because we are still trying to define our relationship with Jesus. While when the churchgoer, Christian says "just pray, accept Jesus in your heart and you will be healed" can sometimes be true, it is not a reality for most of us. Most of us walk in and out of vices, white-knuckling our way through our triggers in an attempt to be healed while trying to walk, talk and act a certain way to be perceived as healed or saved already.

Healing starts with who you say Jesus Christ is in your life. Who is God to you? When I was leading a small group of teenage guys in a weekly bible study and doing all the right things I thought I was saved. I thought that I was okay even though I was really good at hiding my secret addiction to porn. When I was alone, I was breaking, wondering what I had become and if there was indeed something more to come. There was a lot more to come, but I had to get honest with myself and with those trusted individuals around me. I had to answer the question, "Who do you say I am?" 

When you are alone, breaking, sweating, just wanting to not screw up wondering if there is more. Wondering if you will ever taste true freedom write the question down - "Who do I say Jesus Christ is?" You need an answer to this question, its why Jesus asked it. He had a group of men who had decided to say "yes" we know what people have said about you, but he needed them to be challenged with who they believed He was before moving forward. You must know who Jesus is to you because in those moments of crisis, those moments where you feel the furthest from your true self when lies are coming from all directions it matters who you say Jesus Christ is to you. 

There is so much more to life than struggling through addictions and faith crises. Do you want to learn more about mentoring, about what walking in true freedom looks like, what actively battling really looks like? If so, reach out to me at Be Brave Be Free. Also, check out my book for more of my story of redemption through the most uncommon of ways, Hangover to Jesus.

Photo by Dmitry Ermakov on Unsplash