Sharon Y. Edlin's Blog, page 10

Self-Injurious Behaviors

I am having some personal crisis that only became aware to my brain this morning while standing naked in the bathroom waiting for the shower to warm up. As I looked into the mirror, I spied with my little eyes exactly 11 bruises on my person. 11!!!

Now, I can only account for 4 of the 11. For example, the embarrassing one gracing my belly just below my belly button was from being friendly while mowing the lawn last weekend. My neighbor waved to me as I was mowing and little did I know that I would run head on into the grave stone AKA those things that are in your yard that all those wires are in and ram the handle of the lawnmower into my belly. Not only was it painful but embarrassing especially when my neighbor laughed, shook his head, and gave me not one but two thumbs up. I felt like a dumb ass!

The small one on the toe of my right foot was me getting in too much of a hurry while emptying the dishwasher in-between patients and dropped a damn pan on it. I said several choice words but I won’t print them here. That hurt like hell! I wonder if the damn thing is broken because it has several colors to it. Man I don’t have time for a broken toe!

The one on my hip was when, in hast, I tried to get past my husband in our small kitchen and he was taking his sweet time pouring his sweet tea, good Lord, so I’ll just try and slip in-between the countertop and my husband when WHAM, I nailed the corner of the countertop and said several more choice words followed by my husband saying, “Well, love, its your own fault Ms. Impatient.” I wanted to come back at him and say, “Well, if you wouldn’t move as slow as a damn drunk slug, maybe I’d have avoided a hip injury!” But I didn’t. I wanted to though.

The one on my left inner arm is from repeatedly having to empty the riding lawn mower buckets about 283 times while mowing our backyard last week. I was trying to surprise my husband who kept saying, “Man, I need to cut that grass.” He has said this for the last 2 months. Yes, the backyard grass has not been cut in 2 months because we have had no rain at all. Now, the part of the grass that did need cutting was the back part near the barn because it is all crab grass and although it had stopped growing, it was still long enough to need cutting. Well, genius me lowered the cutter too low evidently and had to empty out the grass catcher so damn many times, I believe the bruise on my arm might be permanent.

The one on my shin was from falling up the stairs, again, in hast, because I had an abdominal attack of epic proportion either from bad fish or a stomach bug. Let me just say this, I barely felt the fall onto my shin as the pain in my intestines overshadowed it by a mile or two. After recovery, I now have a fat ass bruise on my shin and it looks quite nasty. I hate bruises on my legs, it makes me look like I’m 2 years old and learning how to walk.

Now, the other 7, well, let’s just say that I have no Earthly idea. Maybe I’m being beaten in my sleep by elves, I’m beating myself up at might while I sleep, or who the heck really even knows. All I know is I have 11 bruises on my person and they ain’t pretty, y’all.

Part of my problem is that I get in a hurry trying to get the 124,789 things I have to do each day. I am not the queen of multi-tasking although I try but I have bruises from my attempt evidently.

I find it quite fascinating that I can lose so much track of my person that I can’t account for all the bruises! That tells me a couple of things.

I have entirely too much on my mind and must completely ignore pain inflicted to my body.
I might be losing feeling throughout my body, who the heck knows.

I think my point is, I need to slow the hell down, stop and smell the roses, and breath. Just breath, y’all! We got this!

Love y’all!!♥

 

 

 

 

 

Bags O’ Crap

Okay really y’all? Does what I’m about to say seem like the dumbest thing in the world that you have ever heard of?

So, the last couple of weeks I began noticing something, something strange and made little to no sense to me but seems to have turned into an epidemic all of a sudden. Here’s what I mean . . .

I was out on another morning walk and was making my way around the second cul-de-sac to get to the sidewalk that leads to the greenway. As I looked both ways so as not to get taken out by Edward Scissor Arms or the Nazi bikers that zip through there at the speed of light and roll their eyes at you as they pass because they think they own the greenway, all was clear. I made my way to the walker side of the path and noticed a small white bag tied closed with something dark and lumpy in it lying in the grass. Ewww, it was a bag of dog poo and why in the hell would you bag it up and then leave it there?

As I moved on I had to ponder why someone would risk getting smelly dog crap on their hands to get it into the bag, then tie it closed, hoping again for no dog crap stains on their hands, and then drop it into the very grass from which it came from? What the hell?

Another thought struck me that perhaps the human pooper scooper decided to leave it there and grab it on the way back not really thrilled about carrying it the entire walk. Surely, that is the explanation?!

On my walk this particular day I spotted not 1, not 2, but 3 bags o’ shit along the greenway and I was looking forward to my walk the next morning to see if my not-wanting-to-carry-a-bag-of-crap-on-your-walk theory was true.

So the next day I couldn’t get on the greenway fast enough to check on the bags o’ crap and you won’t believe it. My theory was correct on one of the bags, it was not there but I’ll be damned if the other two were. Either they forgot or they are the dumbest people on the planet and they are in charge of a K9 American for crying out loud! That does take some brains so as not to kill the poor thing.

So, wow, there really are people who would take the time to bag up crap, carefully tie it closed, and then drop it back in the grass. WHY THE HELL BOTHER?!!!!

Wait a minute, wait a minute . . . surely they just forgot.

The next day I thought, “Surely those two bags will be gone, surely!” Nope, they were still there.

For the rest of the week I looked at those bags o’ crap and just shook my head thinking the dude or dudett who dropped them there has either died, had a stroke therefore can’t walk so well, has developed organic brain syndrome, or really are two of the dumbest people on the planet.

What, do you think if you bag it up you are doing a kindness for a poor soul’s shoe? “I’ll just bag this shit up so no one steps in it, they will merely step on the bag. Oh, I am a genius!”

On my walk today, there were 3 more bags o’ crap lying on the side of the greenway in the grass. You have got to be freaking kidding me. A little further up the way, someone had decorated a sticky out tree branch with their bag of crap. Oh, how thoughtful, you put your bag of shit a bit higher so someone can run their face into it, good thinking!

I don’t get it y’all! Someone please explain to me why this is happening? Who are the freaking people?

Love y’all!!♥

 

 

 

Finding Edward Scissor Arms

I didn’t even know I was looking for Edward Scissor Arms until I came upon him on my walk earlier this morning and I’ll say this y’all, the dude is alive and well and scary as hell.

So, this morning as I let my two dogs out, I realized that it was quite chilly and I needed to change from my tank top to a t-shirt that covered my shoulders and back more because I would freeze for sure. An aside, since I’ve lost some of this weight, those hot flashes I was having seem to have fallen away indicating I was too damn insulated. I’ve also discovered that I don’t have a butt anymore so if you find a couple of cheeks lying around, could you pass them back to me so I can stick them back on? I wish I could direct the weight loss accordingly, ya know?!

Anyway, after eating my breakfast, I journeyed out my front door into the gorgeous day to get some fresh air, exercise, and a little sun. After rounding the second cul-de-sac in my neighborhood, I was well on my way to the greenway to really start a good pace. I side stepped a couple of ‘finishers’ of the greenway, looked both ways before entering so I wouldn’t get taken out by one the Nazi bikers that frequent the greenway, and was off.

I had a great pace going and as I rounded a corner, oh shit, what the heck is that?! It’s Edward Scissor Arms himself walking away from me, thank God!

Now let me paint this picture for you.

Edward was about 6’4″ I’d guess and had a dark blue long sleeve button down shirt on, long black athletic britches, hiking boots, and a tan large brimmed hat pulled way down so you couldn’t really see his face. You may ask, “Well, how did you see his face if he was walking away from you?” Well, have you ever seen that Sasquatch footage where Sasquatch is walking and kind of looks back, that’s kind of the same scenario here, he looked back at me and startled the hell out of me.

Let me continue painting, he swung his arms in such a violent over exaggerated way it reminded me of scissors going to town like Edward Scissor Hands would do in that movie.

As I watched Edward Scissor Arms chop the hell out of the air I thought, “Now that’s what dude needed last night on The Walking (Gruesome) Dead instead of that primitive grotesque barbed wire wrapped bat he used to smash skulls to smithereens. Edward Scissor Arms could have beheaded them in one swoop thus ending it quickly instead of the way if was done last night.”

I have to admit that our family show was a no go for me last night. After they swung back around to what had happened earlier at the camp I had to tap out. I could not watch anymore and retreated to my room with horrific scenes in my head of poor Glenn. I might just tap all the way out. I can’t watch such horrible stuff like that even if it is fake. I don’t need those scenes in my head.

So anyway, I was not the only one alarmed by Edward Scissor Arms as I observed a lady walking towards him and she did a double take and fled for the bridge that joins the greenway to a nearby ball park. She literally fled from him in terror because I’ll bet she thought she would end up a paper doll cut out. I laughed out loud when after he passed and was up a ways, she got back on the greenway following in his wake.

I then observed these Asian ladies, the same ones that fight sometimes which is hilarious watching them point their little chop stick fingers at each other spewing God knows what at each other . . .

Anyway, they side stepped him too onto the grass and after he passed by, they both whipped out their cameras and took a video of him all the while giggling like they had just sucked in helium, it was hilarious! You can’t make this stuff up, y’all!

I have never seen a human being walk with such violence in his arms! It was freaking weird!

I guess the positive in this is that he is out there walking, getting his exercise it just looks like murder is all but keep on trucking Edward Scissor Arms!

Love y’all!!♥

 

 

 

The Little Dude in my Watch

There is a little dude in my watch who is supposed to help me but there are times I will actually get annoyed and yell at him a little bit and yes, I might have mad cow disease, you just can’t be sure of me these days.

Again, going back to my weight loss journey, I decided to get the new FitBit Charge 2 and I absolutely love it and think its the best one yet. I use it to tell the time, see how many steps I’ve taken towards my daily goal, see what my heart rate is after a good walk, see how many calories I’ve burned, and I use the stop watch feature in my clinic when I time my OT kids doing an activity that requires being timed.

Well, one thing I didn’t bargain for is FitBit Frank, the little dude that bugs the shit out of me sometimes wanting me to move. He will say things like, “It’s get a move on o’clock,” as he vibrates my FitBit on my arm, which is startling when you are sitting still reading a good book or ‘dropping the kids off at the pool.’

He will also say things like, “Take me for a walk,” God bless him he thinks he’s a damn K9 American. One time he went so far as to say, “Get your fat ass up lady because it ain’t getting any smaller!” Well, I never . . .

Just kidding he didn’t say that but his little vibrational ‘digs’ do get me off my butt, I will admit.

However, the other day my husband and I were showing each other how much we love each other when FitBit Frank got jealous I guess because he kept vibrating on my arm. Eventually my husband asked, “What in the hell is up with your vibrating wrist?” Panting, which to me should have been an indication to Fibit Frank that calories were indeed being burned, I said, “It’s FitBit Frank and I think he might feel left out or jealous or something. Just ignore him.” My husband about fell out laughing at me and said, “You are the weirdest most wonderful woman I have ever met.” Awwwww!

FitBit Frank is there to help me, I know, but I think the little dude requires as much attention as a K9 American sometimes and it can get annoying, but I will say this, he gets my ass out of my chair even if it is to walk circles in my clinic.

The other day FitBit Frank vibrated my wrist again and it was such a lovely day but I didn’t feel like walking any further than circles on my driveway. My youngest bonus son happened to pull up on his bike as I was circling the entire driveway trying to get a few more steps in to appease damn Frank.

As he pulled up he started smiling and shaking his head and asked, “Are you seriously walking in circles on the driveway?”

I replied, “Yes, damn it all, Frank made me do it.”

He looked at me like my hair had caught on fire and said, “You are one weird woman,” and walked away with a smile and a chuckle.

If we don’t have fun with life, even when it sux, what the hell are we going to do but waller in our own misery. Humor is my medicine and I will continue to be weird and write about it. And Frank, I love you little dude!

Love y’all!!♥

The Leg Lying in the Street

Yes, there has been a leg lying in the street for about 3 weeks now. It’s just far enough from the curb to not be in the middle of the street but close enough for someone to do something about it for crying out loud!

Now, at this point you may be thinking that this Blog Blending lady has lost her friggin’ mind and you might just be right, I really feel like running into the night screaming here lately, but here’s what I really mean . . .

Since I have started my Weight Watchers journey, I’ve managed to shed 27.6 pounds with 16 pounds left to go. As I have mentioned before, I have added exercise to my plan especially walking. I have a couple of routes that I go each day, one of them being the two cul-de-sacs in my neighborhood on the way to the greenway which runs along a creek and is just lovely.

It is on this particular route that I have spotted the leg and I find it simply ridiculous. Now, let me clear up that it is not a human leg, I just wanted to get your attention, it is the leg from a chair or a desk, I’m not sure. The people who live at the ‘leg’ house seem a little detached from having things in order. I mean they have had to step over the leg to bring their garbage can down to the curb for the city to take their trash. You couldn’t bend over, pick the leg up, and toss it into the trashcan sitting right next to it?

You may be asking, “Well, why don’t you pick it up and throw it away for them?” I’ve thought about doing that a lot as it is not uncommon for me to pick trash up along my walk and discard it but I was curious. Curious to see how long it would lay there in the road and I know its part of something that was in a pile they threw away 3 weeks ago but the garbage dude let the leg get away apparently.

Also along my route there is this particular house in the second cul-de-sac that has just let all their stuff/house go to shit. Now, I’m not judging as I do not know them and maybe they are having some trouble but here’s why I am judging just a bit . . .

So, last week we had some of the most spectacularly perfect weather and I was out on one of my walks just soaking it all in. I happened to pass the run-down house and noticed that they had this door open on a closed off veranda on the front of their porch. As I passed by, I heard a TV blaring from that little door as well as an immediate jump upon getting barked at furiously by two yapping little dogs. I didn’t mind as I kept walking but oh boy howdy, the screaming lady inside did as she spewed every profanity she could muster at them. I’m thinking, “Clearly you know they are barking at a human being out here cuz that’s what dogs do!” She didn’t give a crap as the yelling and cussing escalated. I was floored and, God forgive me, I thought, “No wonder your house is challenged, there is a challanged woman inside and what’s more, I think I heard rumor that y’all sit out on your now completely surrounded with a privacy fence deck (yes, they have put a privacy fence around their deck, and smoke damn pot. I’m judging and I think y’all stink!” I also remember my daughter telling me that one of their kids threw a rock at her at the direction of her father because she was next door playing and was too loud for the pot heads. Yay, love our run-down, cussing, pothead neighbors! Thank God I don’t live next to them but bless the folks that do.

As I made my way to the greenway shaking my head, I see the same sweet old man Jenkins with canes in both hands on his daily walk and every time he sees me he says the same thing, “Looks like ya got a good pace going little lady.” Bless him. I always say back, “I’m trying. Have yourself a good walk.” Love this little guy.

I love my walks and I’m thankful that I have a nice route that I go but damn that leg in the street.

On the third week a miracle happened and the leg was gone. Gone! You’re gonna laugh cuz I actually thought, “Well, crap, what am I going to complain about now?”

Well, not too long after that I was followed by a drone, nearly stepped on a snake, saw a dead bob cat, and witnessed a cat fight between two Asian ladies on the greenway.

Who would have thunk there was so much entertainment to be had by simply walking along a route.

Love y’all!!♥

 

 

Moved To Tears By Tata’s

Yes, this kid was moved to tears over Tata’s yesterday at the Liz Hurley 5K Breast Cancer Run and I was shocked at how moving it was.

I myself have never personally experienced cancer, thank God, but my mother-in-law fell victim as did several women that I know personally. I cannot imagine how terrifying it must all be knowing you have a killer living inside of your body.

The thing that got me yesterday, as we were walking for one of my mom’s friends, was the fact that the ‘This Is My Fight Song” was playing, there were women of all ages and stages with their little scarves or hats on their sweet bald coconuts, and there were hundreds of people running or walking to support them. Tears sprang into my eyes several times as sadness, honor, awe, and love washed over me at how proud I was to be a part of this.

I met one woman who has battled twice to save her life because of that devil called cancer. I almost had a come apart as she was telling me her story in her adorable little wig. I had to hug this stranger and touch such a brave warrior. I was in awe y’all, I really was.

Song after song of ‘battle’ played as we walked on behalf of the fallen and the still kicking, screaming, and fighting for their lives. Along the path were hundreds of pink lunch bags with ‘In memory of . . . ‘ written on them with someone’s name either still fighting or an angel in heaven.

I saw Liz Hurley herself, who is a news lady in our town, who was diagnosed, fought, and beat the cancer. She is an amazing woman but damn, so are all those other women too!

I walked behind a family who were walking arm in arm as a unit as the woman in the middle bawled her eyes out because she was newly diagnosed and was getting ready to fight. Her son was on her left with tears rolling down his cheeks and her husband was on her right in the same shape. This got me the worst because this shit is so real for these women and I CANNOT and hopefully will not have to know what it feels like.

The other thought that ran through my head as I looked at all the women with their heads covered was the fact that I had lost all of my hair 2 years ago because of severe stress. I was  DEVASTATED to say the least at the gravity of watching every hair on my body fall out into my hands. However, there is a marked difference between me and these women. I only lost my hair because of stress . . . these women get a double whammy of cancer and hair loss and that just tore me the hell up. (I’m actually crying as I write this one today.)

It’s not fair, it really isn’t but I’ll tell you what, this kind of stuff brings folks together to support one another, love one another, and battle alongside them.

If you are a survivor, just diagnosed, currently battling, or any other situation of this nature, I am in awe of you and I am also praying for every one of you because I was so moved and honored yesterday. You chicks rock and I am profoundly proud of each and every one of you.

October is breast cancer awareness month, it also happens to be the month of my birthday. I was given the greatest gift yesterday and I am profoundly thankful.

Don’t forget to get your Tata’s checked out y’all because you can catch it early and in most cases be cured. I just had to add this picture to get your attention and remind you of your duty to the girls.

Love y’all!!♥

 

 

 

 

If Jesus and Mother Teresa Were Running

 

Now, I am not in anyway shape or form a political type gal. For one, politics is a joke and the people that run things are too. Never in my life have I seen so many chickens with their heads cut off running the show. I’m sure somewhere mixed in the madness there are some good folks but unfortunately, you are not being heard with all those headless chickens.

I unwillingly watched the first debate with my husband because he wanted to hear the rediculousness for himself. After watching these two brats go at it, I turned to my husband and said, “Oh, this is going to be pathetic for our country.”

I likened the debate to two babies sitting in a sand box throwing sand at each other and the sand box they are sitting in is the United States. They’ve both got a load of crap in their diapers and are sitting on our precious United States.

When I was a kid, if you lied about something, especially if it was big, you either got a big ass spankin’, grounded, or if you were older, your car taken away from you. In other words, you were punished and that’s how it should be.

If you said something bad about a person, a race, or anything else bad about people, you’d get a big ole bar of Ivory soap shoved in your mouth for a good 5 minutes. That’s just how things were and in my opinion, should still be.

I have eaten more soap then I’d care to admit but it taught me a lesson. I have been grounded more then most people would like to think about and I learned from my mistakes.

When you lie, cheat, steal, cover shit up with all your money, side step what I’d like to call the Ficticious Balding Idiots that are famously known as the FBI, or any other CRIMINAL act, should you be allowed to run an entire nation? I think not!

About a 100 years ago, I went to work for a jewelry store and after my interview, I had to take a lie detector test, yes a lie detector test, to make sure I wouldn’t steal their stuff. Now if a jewelry girl has to take a lie detector test, shouldn’t we have a helluva lot more standards one has to meet in order to run and entire country?

Now, if Jesus and Mother Teresa were running, that would just be a kick in the pants. God would tell them, well his son anyway, no miracles, you need to do this on your own, son. So, what if Jesus and Mother Teresa were running our nation?

Think about that . . .

I believe there would be peace. People would not be starving in our great nation. Maybe Jesus could summonds Cazoo from The Jetson’s and ask for one wish, wishing our astronomical debt to go away and I believe Jesus would not allow us to fall into the pit of debt once again. What is our dollar worth now like maybe -.100 cents?

I’ll tell you one thing, there wouldn’t be greed in the White House if Jesus and Mother Teresa were running the show, not one bit of it and I believe this is the answer to everything, get the damn greed out.

There are three things that cause crime sex, greed, and too much power. Jesus and Mother Teresa represent NONE of these.

Now, I got to thinking a little further on Jesus and Mother Teresa running the show and I scared myself a little because I then thought, “Well, crap! If Jesus and Mother Teresa were running the show down here and our two pathetic candidates were running the show up in heaven, they’d let any ole riff raff in because they have no morals whatsoever. Shit!”

I tell you what, I don’t want to go to the pearly gates and see those two standing there letting just anyone in. I’ve worked too hard to have my spirit crushed by anyone else claiming to do good for me and my country.

So, I guess that leaves us back to square one and honestly y’all, I’m scared for us as a nation. I really am. The decisions that have been made for us by a corupt government has dug us all in a hole so big I dare say we aren’t ever going to be able to crawl out.

Maybe a miracle will be cast upon us, I just don’t know. I miss Reagan who actually seemed to give a crap about us and our nation. Guess we could pray for a resurrection.

This is going to be freakishly interesting and not in a good way. We all gotta hold onto our butts!

Love y’all!!♥

 

Havin’ A Turn and Learn Moment . . . or Two

Now, you may be asking, “What in the heck is a turn and learn?” Well, allow me to explain that term to you . . .

An example of a turn and learn happened to me that I wrote about on my blog about being followed by that stinkin’ drone while minding my own business on my walk a few weeks ago. As I turned, I learned of this irritating situation, hence a ‘turn and learn.’

I had a turn and learn during my toruturous Pilates session with the Nazi when I turned and learned that the two folks flanking me on either side had fallen plum out and the other one had fallen out into a fetal position.

Why just yesterday afternoon I had a turn and learn standing in line at the store. This dude says to my back, “You really need to let your hair grow out so your cute pig tails are longer.” I turned and learned that for the next few minutes ole man Jenkins was going to try and pick me up. The man was probably older than my father. Now, that’s not to say he is unlovable, no, but I’m happily married and don’t go for the older dudes even when I was single. I was able to squeeze in the conversation about my husband saying he wanted my hair longer too and that I was working on it, thinking he’d get the hint.

Well, another lane opened up so I side stepped my operation pick the pig tail girl up ole man Jenkins situation. He finished first and headed out the door, much to my relief. But no, as I am heading for my car, old man Jenkins has waited for me outside his car so I turned and learned again that he wasn’t done with me. He struts over to me and I’m getting a bit nervous. He says, “You know, you say you are married but I don’t see a wedding ring so what gives?” Oh dear, here we go . . .

“I am happily married and have been for over 3 years. My husband is my moon and stars and the reason I don’t have my wedding ring on is because I just got back from a walk and I don’t wear jewelry when I workout.”

To which her replies, “Well, that’s a bummer and your husband is damn lucky because you are one fine woman.” Good grief.

I bid the odd stranger goodbye and quickly get into my car but let him pull out first and drive far away before I drove myself home. Yikes!

Now, not all turn and learns are bad. I had a turn and learn the other day when I heard my name called and turned to learn that one of my very dear friends was behind me and I was very happy to see her.

One of the funniest turn and learn’s happened to my ex and it was at this moment I realized I really never loved him and probably never would.

We were in Disney World, which was a trip from hell because of him, and we were walking down the sidewalk at Magic Kingdom. My ex turned to learn something behind him, not sure what, but didn’t turn back around quick enough and ran smack dab into a light poll that proceeded to sound like a gong from his head hitting it. I laughed my ass off and so did my mom. My kids thought I was evil but I had the greatest satisfaction in that moment because at this point, he had ripped me and my mom to shreds with his acidic toungue thus ruining the trip and we had had it.

There are other types of learn’s, like look up and learn, look down and learn, etc.

One of the scariest turn and learn’s I ever had was when I was pregnant with my daughter and I was just coming out of the pediatrician’s office with my son, who was famous for ripping his hand from my grip and taking off. Well, the little cuss . . .

I was preparing the car seat to put him in and I was like 9 months pregnant and was moving like a walruss. I had just put the diaper bag on the floor board and as I turned to pick up my son, I learned he was running away from my car and about to be hit by a huge SUV backing out of their parking space. I nearly threw up and knew I wouldn’t get there in time. My turn and learn taught me that God sends angels at the right time because this very old African American man came out of nowhere, I swear on my life, swooped my crazy boy up, thus saving his life. As the angel approached my car and handed my son to me, tears were flowing down my cheeks at how grateful I was for this man. He said not a word but had the greatest smile you’ve ever seen, flashed that smile at me, nodded, and then was gone. True story!

I had a look down and learn on my walk just the other day when I nearly stepped on a snake in the grass. That kinda freaked me out a bit.

I had a look up and learn the other day on a walk and saw the prettiest rainbow I’ve ever seen.

Such a simple concept but one of great discovery or in my ex’s case, a headache. LOL!

I hope all of you have pleasant turn and learn’s this week. Who knows, maybe you’ll turn and learn that Ed McMann is behind you and you’ve won a gajillion dollars! Woohoo!!

Love y’all!!♥

 

The Pilates Nazi

Alright y’all, I hate to rat out my lovely Pilates instructor in this blog but she went crazy at Pilates on Monday!

So, on this Weight Watchers(WW) journey I am on with my mom, I knew that adding in exercise was key. As I’ve said before, I began walking, riding my bike, tennis, and also Pilates.

I absolutely love Pilates and did it for a few years before my practice took off and I didn’t have much time. Well, when your person starts looking a little like the Stay Puff Marshmellow (wo)man, something’s gotta give.

The motivation I have been feeling from going to my WW meetings, learning all kinds of tips, keeping very careful track of my points each day using that fabulous app I’ve spoken about, has put me at only 19#’s from my goal. I have managed to lose 24#’s now.

Well, in the spirit of losing these last 19, I happily went to Pilates this last Monday . . .

We do all of our usual warm up stuff like stretching out all of our body parts while our backs are perched on our Pilates roll. Feeling very loose and ready for anything, we move on and that’s when the trouble starts.

Our instructor informs us after we had done a ‘100’ but was really a 300 because, “I need this really bad today so you all have to hang with me.” Oh crap, we are in trouble.

So the Pilates Nazi continues to torture us with Pilates moves I’ve never experienced!

There was more moaning in that room than an over-populated orgy and it wasn’t the good kind of moaning either!

At one point, I look over at ole man Jenkins cute Indian dude and he is positioned in the fetal position not moving. Oh, crap!

I hear it before I see it, but I look at another lady who has just slumped to the ground next to me and is not moving. Now, I kept up with the Nazi but I was really concerned about the corpse to my right. In a desperate move, I crawled on all fours over to her, because my instructor was so hyped up on Red Bull Pilates juice, she didn’t even see this gal go down. I just had to check the poor ladies pulse. Right about the time I went over to check her, she suddenly comes around, looks up at me, and whispers, “I’m getting the hell outta here!” And she did just that. She barely got up, rolled her mat up, put her flip-flops on, and staggered right out the door and we had like 15 minutes left!

As I watched the corpse walk out the door, I suddenly remembered ole man Jenkins and quickly looked back at him. He was still in fetal position but I could see his eyes fluttering so I crawled over to him and asked if he was okay. He whispers, “What has gotten into our instructor,” in his adorable Indian accent. I looked at him and whispered back, “She’s like the Pilates Nazi today.” He nodded his head and then I crawled back to my mat.

The torture went on for 15 more grueling minutes and ladies were falling out all over the place and not moving. I expected the Pilates Nazi zombie apocalypse right then and there in that room!

When it was finally over, I hung with the whole blasted thing, I don’t know how, my instructor blurts out, “Well, why are all y’all laying on the floor not moving?”

We have this awesome older lady that has been coming to our instructor’s class for years and they know each other well so it was not surprising when she blurts out to our Nazi instructor, “You need to get laid and not take your sexual frustrations out on us!”

I about fell out laughing, which hurt because my abs were so freaking sore from the over and over again torture, I thought I’d throw up.

It was as if my instructor went into another place in her mind because I couldn’t believe that she didn’t see all these poor folks falling out and leaving until the end.

You know the funny thing, though, we’ll all be back, we will because we want to push ourselves further than we did the last time and make it. Plus, my body is a different shape when I do Pilates, I’m longer and leaner and now am the happy victim of a Thigh Gap Hate Group. Oh well, I like what I see and so does my husband so hate away!

I will say this, I am certified in CPR so if any of the sweet people I share that Pilates room with and our instructor has taken that damn Red Bull Pilates juice again, I’ll save you. I promise!

Love y’all!!♥

Why I Love Being A Self-Published Writer!!

I freaking love Amazon! Not just because they have fabulous merchandise, great service, the Prime Member option, Alexa, my fabulous helping me spell partner, Prime Music, and Prime Movies, they also have Kindle Direct Publishing (self-publishing), CreateSpace, and Audiobook Creation Exchange. Amazon has got it going on, y ‘all!

I have been dreaming of being a writer since I was a child. I loved being read stories and reading stories because, for a bit of your life, your mind got to go somewhere else and using your imagination of what the story might look like brought to life, was something I was good at.

I began writing early on, usually about the trivial things happening around me. I’d write about my Kindergarten teacher who would talk so much she’d get a build up of phlegm in her throat and would then sound like Kermit the Frog. It made me crazy!! I’d make the loud obnoxious swallowing sound, along with several other of us 5-year-olds, but the crazy phlegm talking Kermit the Frog teacher just didn’t get it.

I wrote about a particular evil teacher that my sweet younger sister had who evidently had it out for her. One day I was coming back from the bathroom at our shared Catholic school, when I witnessed the teacher yank my tiny 6-year-old sister out of the classroom by her arm, slam her up against the wall, and then started yelling into my crying sister’s face. This teacher was fierce but as I passed by on my way back to class, my sister and I made eye contact, I gave her the look of, “She won’t get away with this,” as my sister nodded. Later on, after she and I were home, I told the story to my mom of the brutal teacher and what she did to my little sister. Our stories matched and mom made a phone call. The teacher was fired, evidently, she was roughing up other children as well.

I also wrote about that same sister, who loved candy like it was oxygen, was eating way too much sugar, and ended up coming back from the dentist with 7 cavities. My book title was “Too Much Candy,” which in turn won me an award at school thus launching my internal interest in writing even more.

Putting words to paper has always been not only soothing for me but great therapy. I often tell people that the three books I have self-published with the help of Amazon was the therapy I could not afford for myself after my divorce because I was putting my kids through counseling since they were younger and I’d helped turn their world upside down.

My first book titled “Something Dreamy This Way Comes” was my first shot at writing and I had a ball writing it. I love how you can take an actual factual event and then run it in any direction you want, therefore, pushing your reader on and making the story a whole helluva lot more interesting because let’s face it, bits of our actual lives could use a bit of sparkle. Am I right?

My second book titled “A Change of Plans” is, in my opinion, my best work. It is based on a time of my life where I was undergoing a few rites of passage if you will. This book is the reason I love writing. As I was going along, the words just poured out of me and I found myself back out West in good ole Grand Junction, Colorado and the beautiful Arches National Park. If I didn’t know better, I could recall the smells, sounds, and the touch of the environment on my skin like I was actually there. It was amazing!

Now, my third book titled “The Boiled Frog” was very emotionally draining to write but it became a cleansing of sorts for me after my 16-year-old marriage came to a thank you, Jesus, end. Although this book was hard to write and I often found myself back in the dark places of my mind I remembered being during those 16 years, it was worth it, I am cleansed and the anger is gone.

So, why do I love writing? Well for me, it’s been incredibly therapeutic. In addition, writing has helped me work through some of my deepest thoughts and also given me the realization that sometimes things could be so much worse, especially when I run with a bit of an event in my life and blow it all up with words. When I blow it up I think, “Ya know, although this line of thought started out as a bit of my true life, now that I’m blowing it up in another direction, an even more detrimental direction, man I’m glad it didn’t work out THAT way for me.”

Writing allows me to put the impossible out there and watch it grow and grow and get woven into something to keep folks on the edge of their seat, unable to put my book of words down, and maybe give some encouragement to write that book they have been carrying around in their mind for years. To you, I say, “GO FOR IT!” If you can tell a story, you can write. Just do it!

Thank you Amazon for being the multi-faceted company that you are and allowing my dreams of have some of my work actually get published!

Love y’all!!♥