Sharon Y. Edlin's Blog, page 11

Stalked By A Drone!

Now, when this thingy called a drone came out, I thought, “What in the heck would you use that for and how in the heck will it deliver a 50# box from Amazon to me?”

Then they started talking about regulating them for safety in the sky, well duh!

My kids then showed me YouTube videos of people using them to spy on the naked lady laying out in her backyard, spying on the weird neighbor across the street, or spying on just about anything else you could think of. I saw some impressive videos on earthquakes, floods, etc. using a drone to video. Well, then I thought, “Huh, now I can see that.”

So, last Christmas, my bonus son got a drone from his grandparents and wouldn’t you know my husband has taken it over.

At first, he stunk at flying it. He would run into the fence, the house, the barn out back, run it into me, and one day a gust of wind got ahold of it and it ended up way out in the field behind our house. It was a hoot to watch the video afterwards and listen to him freaking out!

Now, though, he’s gotten really good at flying it. He terrorizes the dogs, me when I’m trying to pull weeds, and anyone else he can find to use it on. He even had the audacity to spy on the new neighbors moving in behind us a few months ago. Such a goober!

Now that I’m familiar with drones thanks to my husband and the videos I have watched, I was rather irritated the other day when on my walk, one came out of nowhere and followed me for 10 minutes. It was too far out of reach for me to grab the sucker and teach the idiot doing this to me a lesson. I was too dignified to flick the darn thing off, I know that may shock some of you who know me well, and it came at me from so far away, I had no idea who it could possibly be.

So there I am huffin’ it down the sidewalk on a rather hot day now made worse by my drone spy shadow. At one point a dude pulled up next to me, rolled his window down and said, “Hey, you know there’s a drone following you right?” I felt like messing with him so I said, “What? Where? Do you think I’m in danger?” He looked at me with raised eyebrows like I was some nut case because at that point I probably looked like I had a husband who didn’t trust me that I was walking so had to follow me with his drone to make sure.

I finally said, “Yes, I know. The damn thing has been following me for 10 minutes now.”

His reply, “Well, that’s just weird ain’t it?”

Ya think?

Now, I’m not sure who the person operating the drone was but who in the heck wants footage of some 45-year-old lady in pigtails, sweating, huffing, and puffing? And buddy, if you get your kicks from a sweaty middle aged lady, well, that’s just sad is all.

I came home and told my family about my little ‘experience’ and immediately my daughter says, “OMG it’s probably that old boyfriend of yours still spying on you!”

To which I replied, “Oh for heaven’s sake will you drop that already! That’s over with!”

Of course, my insane son says, “You should have flicked the bird at them or picked up a rock and hummed it at it knocking it down!”

Good grief people.

My bonus son laughs and jokingly says, “Who would follow you, I mean really, come on, you’re an old lady.” Ha ha! I love that kid to bits.

My husband remained silent through all of this and finally says, “Honey, let’s face it, you’re hot even when you are huffing and puffing and sweating.” Love this man!

I’m leaving to go on another walk in a bit, wonder if weird drone shadow will be out again? Who know’s but it gave me and my family something to talk and laugh about, which their laughter is music to my ears.

For all you dronees out there, thanks for the entertainment!

Love y’all!!♥

 

 

I Am The Victim of a Hate Club!

I have fallen the victim and subject of a hate club in my own darn house.

So, some of you may or may not know but I have joined Weight Watchers with my mom about 8 weeks ago. In that time she and I have both busted our butt’s on this program and it is really paying off. She has lost about 18 #’s and I have lost 23 #’s and I feel better than I have in a very long time, along with some much needed body confidence. Tomorrow, I get to be a part of a group that is on call conference with Oprah herself asking and answering questions. It’s quite exciting!

Now, I have 20 more pounds to go, although my husband says, “There is no way you have 20 more. You’ll be too skinny. I like you right now the size you are.” Bless him, I hide poundage well and always have.

I cannot believe the inches I have lost all over my body and I will say that my skin is a bit loose in places and I really hope a miracle will happen for it to tighten back up. In addition to the weight loss and inches lost, I have finally gotten excited about exercising again and have set my goal at 5 times a week now. I do Pilates, walk, run some, my bowling league, and plan on adding a 6th day when it cools off to play some tennis with my husband.

Several of the mother’s of my OT kids have noticed my loss and have inquired about the WW program and what exactly I am doing. One of them made me laugh the other day when she called me ‘The Incredible Shrinking Sharon.’ I loved that!

Well, the hate began on Friday and has escalated to about 12 members from what I understand. After one of my power walks the other day, I observed my daughter sitting on the couch watching TV. I have lost enough weight to where I can wear my form fitting tanks which really shows how much I have lost. My daughter says, “Mom, I’m so proud of you for working so hard. You look great and wait a minute, stop right there, put your feet together and face me.” I put my feet together and she lets out a string of rant saying, “Are you freaking kidding me right now, Mom?! I hate ‘on’ all your guts!! You suck, I’m running away, no, actually I’m starting a hate club about you!” Not realizing what the heck she was talking about I looked at her with a questioning face. “Mom, duh do you really have no idea what I am talking about?” I didn’t.

She gets up, comes over to me, and points to the space between my thighs and screams, “You have freaking thigh gap and I hate ‘on’ you so much right now because I don’t.” What in the world is this psycho child talking about? She grabs me by my arm, takes me to the full-length mirror in our bathroom, points out what she was talking about, and sure enough, there was a gap. Something I have not noticed until that moment.

I turn and looks at her and ask, “What does it matter if I have thigh gap?” She looks at me and rolls her eyes and says, “Mom, you have no clue,” and then walks away.

Later, after she had texted, Snapchatted, and whatever heck else she does with her phone to everyone, she informed me that all of her friends hate ‘on’ me and they now have formed a hate club against me because I have thigh gap. Good Lord!

I’m gathering that thigh gap is a desirable trait one I have never actually thought of because I maybe have never had it?

My daughter is by no means fat, she and I are built differently. She is actually built like my ex-mother-in-law. They even have the same noses.

Great . . . my daughter just informed me there are now 13 members in the hate club with my name on it, lovely, they’ll probably tempt me with Fritos or those darn stinkin’ Sour Cream and Onion Pringles so my thigh gap will disappear. I will hold strong though because I have worked so hard and want this weight gone for good and never ever have to deal with it again.

For all of you out there struggling with weight, consider Weight Watchers. I did and so did my mom and it has made all the difference. I’m a new person!

Love y’all!!♥

 

Wednesday’s at Publix!!!

Why oh why do I subject myself to the frustrations of shopping at my beloved Publix on a Wednesday aka Geriatric Wednesday? You may be asking, “Well, what on earth do Wednesday’s at Publix look like?”

I would tell you this . . . it can look like a few things . . . drunk snails, the walking dead, or old people gone wild.

Now, I have said it a billion times how much I love people especially geriatric American citizens. These folks have been there done that and have loads of knowledge and wisdom. I have met some of the sweetest, funniest, and most interesting geriatric citizens there is to meet, however . . .

Wednesday’s at Publix are senior citizen day and oh boy howdy do they flock in on foot, walker, wheelchair, being carried, on a darn stretcher, you name it, they are there, y’all.

Now, for some reason only God knows why, I forget about the reigning down of the old people on Publix every single stinkin’ Wednesday and end up thinking that I’ll run in ‘quickly’ in between patients or carpool or whatever, to pick up a few things. Well, would you say quickly describes a drunk snail? No! Would you say quickly describes a walking dead citizen? Well, no? Would you say old people gone wild are quick? Well, heck no!!

So several weeks ago, my father was going to run in ‘quickly’ to get a few things to bring home for dinner and found himself behind a catatonic couple standing dead still holding a can of green beans reading every word of the label right in front of the area he was trying to get to. My father is a patient man especially when it comes to the geriatric citizens, it’s just how he was raised. So he waits and he waits and he waits and FINALLY the catatonic couple comes around and then shuffle off to their next area of catatonic zombyism. To hear my dad tell it had me peeing my pants. My dad is one funny dude!

I was talking to another friend of mine about her Wednesday at Publix and she said she was waiting in line for sushi behind a very old geriatric woman holding a great big bottle of red wine. My friend looked away for a second when all of a sudden old woman Jenkins fell right out smashing the wine bottle all over the floor. My friend looked in horror at the old woman Bambi’d out on the floor with wine all over her and glass everywhere. Someone screamed out, “Oh my Lord, she’s dead!” My friend said it was a scene and no she wasn’t dead but you just never know on ‘Geriatric Wednesday.’ The possibility is all too real that someone will fall out dead!

So, yesterday I’m at my Publix happily pulling into the parking lot when I noticed a sea of Lincoln Town Cars and additional hoopty cars and thought, “Crap, its Geriatric Wednesday!”

I cautiously make my way to the front door and pray for Jesus to touch me and give me patience at this moment in time because I am sure the heck going to need it for the next 15 minutes.

As I walked in, parked right smack in front of the door are two ‘Geri’s’ hanging out looking over the Publix sale paper. For fear of being smashed by the sliding doors, I gently said, “Pardon me there fellas.” NOTHING! I got nothing!

In that instant it dawned on me that they probably couldn’t hear me, bless them, so I said it a little louder and only then did they turn around seemingly unaware of where they were and what going on. So, as patiently as I could, I explained that I needed to get into the store and that I couldn’t because they were blocking the entrance. FINALLY realizing what I was talking about, they shuffled a couple inches forward. Seriously? Giving up, I pushed my cart back into the cart line and grabbed a basket instead because I was not getting by in the few inches they had left with a cart.

Slightly exasperated already, I trudged on.

Standing at the meat counter waiting my turn, I casually glanced at the cutest little old lady on one of those motorized Publix scooters. As I glanced back at the meat dude and gave my order, I was run down by the cute old lady on the scooter. Evidently, she revved what she thought was the brake but instead hit the innocent I just want to get the heck out of here as quickly as possible, shopper. After I was knocked sideways several feet from the impact, I have no idea how I didn’t fall, I regained my balance and looked into the eyes of my hit and run lunatic geriatric scooter driver and said, “You might need a helmet if you keep getting that crazy!” She apologized and laughed after I showed her which handle was which. I am now supporting a nasty looking bruise!

So now I’m exasperated, injured and hurting, what’s next? I shouldn’t have asked.

I would later get rammed with a cart to the Achille’s Tendon by one of those drunk snails I was talking about and then have an old man Jenkin’s, who mistaken me for an employee, to lead him to the marshmallows. Well, I am a human adult and could maybe work here someday but I had my work shirt on clearly stating the name of my practice which did not say Publix on it, I had a basket,  and I was putting items in my basket. Needless to say, I led old dude to the marshmallows and then he tried to tip me. Good grief!

Nearing the end of one really bad shopping experience on Geriatric Wednesday, I made my way to the front to check out and got in line with an old dude who insisted on talking about his corns and bunions on his feet to the poor cash register girl. I about barfed right there in my mouth, good God who talks about that to a stranger? The look on the poor girl’s face was of someone just horrified!

After old man corn and bunion Jenkins moved on, it was my turn and me and the checkout girl laughed about this story. She went on to say she has heard even grosser stories on good ole Geriatric Wednesday. I told her not to go there and we laughed a bit more.

Finished with what had become 40 minutes not a 15 minute shopping experience from heck, I ventured out into the parking lot and was nearly run down by one of those Lincoln Town Cars I spoke of earlier! In fact, the little old person was so short, it looked like the car was driving itself.

Safely in my car heading home I reflected on the last 40 minutes of my life and thought to myself, “Growing old sucks and once you get there its pretty rough and tough. You watch your friends and family members die and wonder when it’s your turn. You lose bits and pieces of the function of your body. However, you have the memories, if dementia and Alzheimer’s avoids you, the memories of what life once was, the things you did, your adventures, etc.”

My hope for the lovely geriatric citizens of the world is that they still have lovely memories of what things once were for them because even though they are older, they had a life that looked much different from Geriatric Wednesday. These folks are people, people who fell off of their bike and scraped their knees, played a sport, fell in love, kissed their first person, cried when their heart was broken, got married, had kids, grew old, became grandparents, etc.

So when I accidentally arrive on a Wednesday at Publix, I’m going to take a deep breath, put a smile on my face, and just let it go. It might take a little longer than usual and I might sustain a hit and run but I’ll be in those shoes someday and I’d want younger folks to be patient and kind to me because I am human.

I love you, geriatric citizens! Keep on keepin’ on!

Love y’all!! ♥

 

 

 

Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, I Have a Boner to Pick With You!!!

Pringles, I love and hate you for existing on this pretty planet of ours. Why in the hell do I find those damn perfectly shaped chips in my pantry and why in the hell can I not stay away from them!

So, I’ve been going to Weight Watchers (WW) for 7 weeks now and have managed to lose 21 pounds and I am damn proud y’all but I’ve got another 20 to go, although my husband says I’m crazy and that I’ll be too skinny. Ha, that’s never been my problem I can assure you. As an aside, we had an interesting discussion at our meeting last Friday and I’d like to mention it to all of you.

Now, Oprah has bought into WW and I was impressed with that and our leader told us that she looks amazing and has successfully lost quite a bit of weight herself. I can attest to this because, y’all, the program is completely different, easier than ever, the super terrific WW app that makes keeping track just a damn piece of cake, my group leader is awesome, and it’s successful! So the ladies and gentleman at my meeting on Friday got into a discussion about the goings on at the WW headquarters.

Evidently the CEO of WW is stepping down, I know not why but then we got into a discussion about the marketing of WW and how the few commercials we do see don’t really feature Oprah who is one helluva money maker, lets face it, plus they don’t really emphasize how different and easy the program has become. I mean brag WW about the ease of your program, brag about your fabulous offices, app, and your fabulous group leaders. Interview regular people like me and let me get on my soap box because now I can get up there now that I’m 21 pounds lighter. Get people excited to see what’s what and damn it y’all, utilize Oprah!! Come on this should be a duh! Don’t have duh moments like me, have ah-ha moments like Oprah!

We also talked about the fact that WW is down something like $11 million, my group leader used to teach 20 meetings a week and is now down to 7. Something is wrong and maybe that’s why the CEO has stepped down because of failing this fabulous program backed by science and research for years and years and it works y’all but I will say this, like anything it’s slow and steady, a commitment, and you have to go to the meetings because you learn so many new things, meet great people, and get inspired. It’s like an AA meeting only we are all addicted to food and eat for the wrong reasons and eat the wrong things. Ugly facts but true facts.

Okay, so I am on my way to successfully losing this weight and by the grace of God, keeping it off this time because this will be the third or maybe the fourth time I’ve lost it but I can’t keep the damn stuff off. This time is different, I can feel it!

Alright so here I have to say ROLL TIDE, y’all because my team had me and my husband on the edge of my damn seat last night. Ole Miss gave us a run for our money and we finally beat them after being beaten by them the last two years. Thanks for a great game fellas!

Well, my husband and I have what we call ‘couch tailgating’ so we were really whooping it up last night and I had a few shumalings and was feeling very very happy happy. Y’all know that forbidden phrase called ‘getting the munchies?’ Well, that don’t sit to kindly with someone who is working so damn hard to lose this God forsaken weight.

Hello, sour cream and onion Pringles, where have you been all my life?

DAMN IT ALL!

My husband went out to grab a beer from the frig and I practically dove into the pantry containing the container of sin chips that I was about to get crazy happy with. I DID NOT want my husband to see my greedy crazed face as I shoved a stack of sin chips into my unhinged jaw and inhaling them into my person and probably just put all 21 pounds back on damn it.  I freaked the hell out because I was running out of time to be caught and quickly wiped my mouth off, capped the can, and threw them back into the ‘sin-try.’ As my husband came back in, I feared there were still some sin chip crumbs hanging from my face so I quickly exited to the bathroom to clean my face up and hide my sin. What in the hell is wrong with me?

Coming back out to sit down and couch tailgate some more because now we were watching the Auburn game, I was so pissed at myself and plan on confessing at next week’s meeting. But wait, my husband has gone to the bathroom, yay, another opportunity!

Dashing into the kitchen and diving into the pantry again, I repeated the same horrific sin again. In my frantic inhaling of these damn chips, I dropped some on the floor but never fear, I have 3 K9’s at my house so my evidence was eaten rather quickly. I heard my husband coming back out and quickly shoved the sin chips back into the pantry.

WHAT THE HELL? WHAT HAS TAKEN OVER ME?

So, this morning, as I’m sitting there eating my WW perfect breakfast, I observed a couple of chip crumbs on the ground positioned tellingly right in front of the pantry door prompting this blog today and I chuckled to myself followed by shaming myself. I know better than to succumb to those damn sour cream and onion Pringles and that, folks, is a huge food trigger for me and I didn’t even know it. I don’t usually eat chips at all so this is new for me.

One of the other things we focus on at WW besides food trigger awareness is that the scale does not define you and I love that. Because I have lost 21 pounds my confidence level in myself has sky-rocketed. I’m walking around my bedroom/bathroom naked in front of my husband instead of hiding in a towel or waiting to take my clothes off when he leaves to get in the shower. It feels real good, it really does. I’m wondering if when I lose the other 20 I’ll go damn streaking because I believe my confidence will just be out of control?! Just kidding, although that’d be a trip!

If any of you are looking for a new route to losing weight, eating and being healthier, having renewed confidence in yourself, and any other reason you have, WW is for you. You deserve to do this for yourself so go for it and know that I’m in the trenches with you.

One other thing, I am going with my mom and I believe that is THE key to success, having a partner. My mom is doing fantastic too and we have daily discussions and confessions about the program. I love you,Mom! Glad we are in this together!

Y’all hang in there, you’ve got this!

Love y’all!! ♥

 

 

 

Mother Trucker, AGAIN!!

You know what? Sometimes it’s just not worth getting out of the damn bed for these days from hell, y’all! I’m serious!

So, the day began early because we had to be at the Surgery Center for my bonus daughter’s tonsil surgery. For some reason, I forgot to account for the fact that my son sprung on me the night before that he couldn’t take my daughter into school because he was meeting the Young Life leader and a bunch of other boys for breakfast. Crap!

I’m getting ready as fast as I can and what I am about to say may be TMI but you know you have done this too . . .

I had to ‘drop the kids off at the pool’ not once, not twice, but three times and it put me further behind. With my daughter and husband breathing down my neck to hurry, I finally got it together, jumped in the car with them, felt a little sweaty and stabby, but we were finally on our way. Ha . . .

As we neared my daughter’s high school the traffic was nearly at a stand-still and I looked over at my husband and said, “Well, we just can’t have a smooth start can we?” He just shook his head and then suddenly my daughter blurts out, “OMG! There are cops at those apartments next to my school and someone has been shot! They are going to put the school on lockdown!” She was on her drama phone of course and all of her friends were dinging her drama phone like mad stirring up the police drama. Of all the stinking days for this to happen.

I started to sweat some more as if I wasn’t doing that enough already and laid my head on the steering wheel. We finally started drunk snail crawling up towards the school and as we neared the apartments next door, there were not one, not two, not three, but 5 cop cars at the head of the road that you drive down to access the back apartments. Of course the hold up was everyone rubber neckin’ to figure out what the hell was going on. In a panic, my daughter starts freaking out that she won’t be able to get into the school. I assured her that we would assess the situation once we got the hell up there and then decide.

We FINALLY make it up to the drop off line and I observed the assistant principle standing out front assuring the kids as they walked into the school. With my daughter safely inside, my husband and I made our way out of the parking lot back into the drunk snail traffic, when suddenly an ambulance came screaming past us coming from the over populated police car scene. We would later find out it was a false alarm but we are wondering today what gives on the ambulance coming from that scene? Hmmmm.

Okay, so for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction, right? We are finally riding along at a fairly decent pace when we hit yet another traffic jam further on ahead, which makes sense because of the earlier clog near the school but damn it all.

My husband texts his mom that we are running late because of some crazy traffic shit and a dash of cop drama, which sux because he wanted to see his daughter before she went into surgery.

It gets better . . .

As we are pulling into the parking lot of the Surgery Center, my eyelash decides to commit suicide again and yes, it was the same damn one I tried to kill the other day stuck to my husband’s back. Shit!

I drop my husband off at the door and in a panic try to glue the damn thing back on, yes I carry spare glue everywhere for these sort of suicide situations. I must have been shook or pissed or just plain stabby because it took me 10 minutes to accomplish what should have only taken 2 minutes. I was just finishing up when I got the shit scared out of me by my husband knocking on the window and yelled out the F-bomb. Not my style but I was there, y’all.

As I’m getting out of the car, my husband informs me that he missed her before she went in and I apologized for my tardiness as well as my ‘pool visits’ putting us behind. He laughed and we walked in.

Now, we are in the waiting room with my in-laws, my husband, and his ex-wife which is awkward, to say the least. I’m sure it’s awkward for her too but it is what it is.

We make some small talk as we wait for them to call us and hopefully tell us she’s okay. In the meantime, my mother-in-law discovers that she has lost one of her real life gold earrings. I tell her to look around the waiting area as I head into the bathroom where she had just come from. I search around and see nothing. As I head back out the door I have a head on collision with and impressively sized woman and find myself bouncing off of her and hit the back of my head on the bathroom door. Smooth! After an embarrassing apology for assaulting her person that way, we both chuckled and went our own way.

This shit’s real, y’all!

After a few more minutes of waiting, and oh, my mother-in-law found her earring, she simply walked up to the desk and asked if anyone had turned one in and sure enough so my bodily assault plus head hitting was unnecessary, we get called and find out that our girl did fine in surgery.

They relocate her to a room on the second floor for recovery and we sat and all watched her for signs of okayness. She was good but nauseous, hurting, and cold.

Eventually, my husband and I moved onto our next adventure which would involve an asshole from hell at our local courthouse.

Okay, when we got married, we filled out paperwork to have my name put on his house and his name put on my rental house only the courthouse did it wrong, my name is on my husband’s house but the idiots took my name off of my own house and put his on only. So, this all got shaken down to equate to my mortgage going up almost $300/month because of some blah blah blah shit that I don’t understand about escrow and homestead. Whatever, all I know is that is a shit ton extra a month and now my rent isn’t even covering this increase. Shit!

We arrive at the courthouse and now we have to take all of our shit off and do the catwalk through the metal detector into the damn courthouse once again. We go to the office where de-ja-vu have we done this before? Okay, here’s where I get into a fight with the asshole.

I am called up to the desk and begin being assisted by a young man who looked terrified like it was his first day. He is sitting in a chair at his desk and we are standing at the tall counter, this will make sense in a minute. I’m going over the paperwork with the little scared worker dude when this hoity toity tall dude in his early 60’s with white hair glasses and an attitude from hell struts up to new dude, rips that papers from his hand (rude), looks them over and then begins to yell at me, yes yell, that its people like me that should get a lawyer to do this kind of stuff for them because we don’t get it right and if I was his sister, he’d tell me the same thing. He went on to say, in so many words, that I was an idiot for doing it this way. Oh hell yes, here we go . . . it’s time to unleash!

At this point, the entire office of about 15 people have completely stopped what they are doing and are witnessing my attacker letting me have it out of nowhere above new dude’s poor head. He’s looking down at his keyboard wide-eyed and trembling and that did it for me.

“Well, let’s see here. This would be the second time I’ve had to come down here to take care of something that should have been done right the first time, because of the error, my mortgage has gone up quite a lot putting me in a bit of a bind. It’s people like you that need to do a better job of managing, because that’s what I assume you are since you have elbowed your way into my business that I was conducting with this guy here that you are yelling at me over his head as if he doesn’t exist, oh and you ripped the damn paper from his hand which was stinkin’ rude as hell. You know what? I’m damn glad I’m not your sister because that would be a horrific experience I’m sure. Now, go away, I am dealing with this fella and thank for the attack, I haven’t had one in a while you ASSHOLE!”

I saw several smiles come across some of the other worker’s faces and I figured I had just told off the office bully who tucked his tail/penis and slinked away.

We get everything squared away with the innocent new dude and when we were finished I said to him, “Stay away from that asshole and learn from someone with a heart. I am so sorry we had that verbal tennis match over your head. Hang in there kid and have a nice day.” He grinned from ear to ear and my work here was done.

After walking out, my husband shook his head and said, “It is never and will probably never be a dull moment with you, huh?”

“Hey, he attacked me and put the little guy in an awkward and embarrassing position, that shit don’t fly with me and you know it.” He chuckled and we went home.

Oh but wait, let’s throw more gasoline on the fire . . .

Just when I think things will settle down, more shit hits the fan.

So this morning, everyone, minus my bonus daughter who is living with her mom now much to our sorrow, and my bonus son who is over there because it’s Wednesday, her day, so basically my two are getting ready for school.

As I am seeing them off telling them I love them I say, “Be careful don’t speed I don’t want another damn ticket okay kid?”

Well, I jinxed myself when I said “be careful” because not 10 minutes later I get a call from my frantic daughter that my son had been in a car accident. My first words out of my mouth of course is are y’all okay and how is the other person? Everyone was fine and I found out from my son that he had rear-ended someone. Shit!

In the meantime, I also find out that my bonus daughter had been taken into the ER because she was having severe pain and nausea as well as not sleeping. I’m not sure this was necessary as all they did was change her pain meds and sent them on their way. Dear God in heaven!

My husband and I sat at the table just now looking at each other and before I knew it, we were laughing our asses off at the ridiculousness of all the shit we are dealing with. I am so thankful for my husband because if he wasn’t riding next to me on this damn rollercoaster, I’d undo my own belt when we were going around that loop, well, not really but y’all know what I mean. Pray without ceasing y’all! We’ve got this!

Love y’all!! ♥

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mother Trucker!!!!!

This picture pretty much depicts how I felt after tripping and falling my way through yesterday, which was from hell.

Now, I know that days will have bumps, I pretty much have probably never had a bumpless day, if I did, I’d probably be dead. However, some days there are so many bumps you feel like running screaming into the night and not coming back. Some of my bumps are small, like someone putting the toilet paper roll on the wrong stinkin’ way, but many of them are boulder size and in addition to having to climb these boulders, you have to fall over the other side and that’s not always fun especially if you land in a sea of ragweed.

Here’s what I mean . . .

I was supposed to wake up early to get my walk in but when my alarm went off I hit what I thought was the snooze button but oh no, it was the off button, therefore I missed my walk. Small bump but I’m really trying to lose this weight. When I finally did come to and realized I wasn’t getting my walk because I had slept in, I was mad at myself. I looked over at my peacefully sleeping husband on his side facing away from me and to my horror, the poor man had a big ass hairy spider on his back. Shit! I tapped him gently on the shoulder and told him not to move because he had a big spider on his back and then I whacked the sucker with my carpal tunnel brace I have to wear each night and boy did I whack the shit out of him and happily watched as he tumbled down to the sheets. Now normally, I’m a no kill kind of gal but when a big ass hairy spider is on your husband’s back in your bed, you have to take action. Well . . .

As I walked into the bathroom to get a kleenex to get the spider with, I looked into the mirror and to my horror and astonishment, one of my strip false eyelashes had come completely off and at the same moment I realized that the hairy spider I just mutilated on my husbands back was indeed my missing lash strip. I started laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants and my poor confused husband took on look at me as I came back to the bed to get my eyelashes and said, “Have you gone crazy or something?” To which I responded, “More than likely, let’s just hope the days gets better.”

Well, no actually the day from hell continued . . .

After I exited the shower and got myself all fixed up because I had a Weight Watchers meeting to get to, I stepped on a dog turd and smashed it into the carpet and then proceeded to have to clean it all up along with the bottom of my shoe. Damn K9’s!

I’ve just let the 3 dogs out and I’m making my breakfast when it dawns on me that my mom’s dog, Fritz, who I am caring for, needs his arthritis pill. As I make my way outside with his pill, something is amiss. My dog, Scout, is standing at my feet but the other two are gone. I call and call them and nothing. In a panic, I start hunting around the yard and then discover that the back gate is open. Shit!

Behind our fence is a little strip of land and then a drop off into a very dried up ditch so I go running back there hoping that is where they are and sure enough they are. They must have rolled down the ragweed infested hill into the ditch and the walls of the ditch were too high for them to get back up so they were pacing and panting back and forth in the dried up ditch. So, what was once a search has now turned into a search and rescue. As I’m surveying how the hell I’m going to get down to them, I start sneezing like crazy. So here I am clean, in flip flops not conducive for a rescue, chin deep in ragweed, starting to sweat which sux after a shower, and I’m going to be late for my damn Weight Watchers meeting, plus I’ll probably get Lyme Disease from a stupid tick.

I run back into the house, take my flip flops off, put on my bonus son’s tennis shoes, and then dash back outside for the rescue. As I’m vicariously making my way down Ragweed Hill, I am cussing up a storm. I finally get down there and I’m covered in all kinds of nature shit, sweating profusely, and I almost busted my ass bad getting down there. I hoist both of the dogs up out of the ditch and place them on the hill. My dog Lucy takes off up the hill and back into the backyard but oh no, the remaining arthritic K9 hunkers down and looks up at me like, “Please, I am a geriatric K9 citizen. I must be carried.” Are you F-bomb kidding me right now?! Well, I did because he is really a sweet dog and I had to get going.

Oh, but it gets better . . .

I scream back into the house, clean myself up a bit, reapply deodorant and perfume, grab all of my stuff, and head to my car. Well, the ragweed must have still been stuck to me because as I started to back out of my driveway, a big ass sneeze took hold of me and that damn strip of eyelashes I mistook for a spider earlier flew right off and landed in my lap. Shit!

I turned the car off, ran back in to reapply this demonic strip of lashes, and was in such a hurry, I poked myself in the eye and got glue in it to boot making me looked stoned. Fantastic!

In the meantime, my daughter texts me that she accidently left her project on her bed and needs it today before 2pm can I please help her. Shit! I run back in and get her project and go back to the car for what I hoped would be the last time because I was getting quite stabby.

Of course, at this point, I’m running a bit late and that’s when the blind and deaf drivers of the world decided to join me in my quest to get to my damn meeting on time. When a sign clearly reads 45 and you are going 12 in the left lane, that is not okay, especially after the shit I’ve just had to deal with. In a rage and a slightly crazy moment in my life, I let out a blood-curdling scream, man I hope Ole’ Man Jenkins didn’t see that in his mirror, but wait, yes he must have because I’ll be damned if he didn’t whip it over into the right lane as I zoomed by. Yes, Ole’ Man Jenkins, I’m crazier than hell right now, don’t make me run you off the road!

I two wheeled it into the parking lot, did one more scream before I got out of the car, and then walked into the building to a long ass line for weigh-in’s but I was relieved that I was finally there.

Well, the light of my day happened at that Weight Watchers meeting which made my morning a bit more tolerable. I was down another 3 pounds making my total weight loss in 5 weeks 18.5 pounds and I was freakin’ pumped. This particular meeting was spectacular too and I learned so much and have even more motivation.

After my meeting, I ran by my daughter’s high school, was buzzed in, and there she stood waiting for me and then proceeded to beg me to check her out because she was ‘sick.’ Bullshit! After saying no for the 746th time to her, I walked back to my car and was nearly ran over by a person in a car texting. Terrific!

Well, I’m still alive today and I’d not like a repeat of yesterday. I’m going to sit back and relax with my husband and watch some Alabama football in a few minutes. It’s these moments that make all the crap worth it, to be able to sit next to the one you love and watch some SEC football. Roll Tide, y’all!

Love y’all!! ♥

 

 

 

Roll Tide Y’all!

I was born in Springfield, Illinois almost 45 years ago now. Football was not something that everyone talked about all of the time, they just didn’t. In fact, I don’t know what in the hell they talked about now that I’m in the South cuz football is the shit here!

My father attended the University of Illinois so if anything we were some fighting Illini fans I suppose, though again, I don’t really remember a shit ton of food being prepared to sit in front of the tv for 4 hours to watch football. The only time food was made was for my mom and dad’s Pinochle night or Yahtzee night, food we were not allowed to touch or else.

So imagine my surprise when one of the first questions I was asked at 13 years old starting at a new school in the South in the middle of my 7th-grade year, “Who ya for?” I can only imagine what my confused face looked like as I tried to figure out what this dude was talking about so I muttered, “I’m for Jesus, man! What about you?!” He laughed so hard he farted and then said to me, “You are awesome! Would you go with me?” To which I asked, “Go with you where? I just met you really and class is about to start.” He laughed some more, walked away to take his seat, and this kind girl sitting next to me in class explained football and dating all in one single breath.

So there it was, “Who ya for?” This is some serious shit down here in the South y’all and if you don’t know who ya for, you better damn well figure it out.

After learning about Alabama and Auburn and what a HUGE rivalry they had going, I had no idea who I was for. I had no ties to either school at this point but when I met my first best friend after our move, her sister went to Auburn, she was for Auburn, and so was her whole family so I thought, “Okay, I’m for Auburn.” My heart really wasn’t in it but I chose, so there.

However, a weird thing happened to me while being an ‘Auburn fan.’ I began to have a heightened interest in the Alabama team. I would sneak peeks at some of their games and damn if they weren’t absolutely an amazing team. Sure they have had their ups and downs over the years but overall, I noticed a well-orchestrated machine on the field.

My first serious boyfriend my Junior year of high school was an Alabama fan but for some bratty reason on my part, I stayed an Auburn fan just to piss him off, not telling him I was secretly being swayed each season of football. If I recall correctly, Auburn beat Alabama the first Iron Bowl I watched with my boyfriend. He was pissed, I was happy, but torn.

I attended UAH and UAB for college and I was going to the damn sister schools of Alabama so it became a no-brainer really. The switch was made.

When I married my ex-husband, I had secretly changed sides but didn’t tell him. He was one of those enormously irritating Auburn fans, hell, we had a damn Auburn room in our house and I hated it. He made football season miserable with his cussing, swearing, throwing things, slamming doors, locking himself in his room so he could have his tantrums, and boy did that suck. During those 16 years, my love of football became torture for me because of my ex’s horrific and embarrassing behavior. Our Auburn friends stopped inviting him over for games because of his behavior. Yay me. I never did reveal to my ex that I was actually an Alabama fan. He was such a fanatic that he wouldn’t even let me get a red car.

Well, after the divorce, I went out and bought the loudest red car I could find and loved every minute of driving it plus I had my ‘A’ on the back letting folks know who I was for, finally coming out of the closet.

Now, while dating my new husband of 3 years now, I was leery of football season. I was worried that he’d be as monstrous as my ex and I’d resent football again and the lovely football season. Luckily, he was an Alabama fan too, he went there, it made sense. I remember being terrified that I’d be let down by bad behavior coming from him if Alabama played bad or lost but . . .

My sweet husband gets worked up, yes, but not even close to what I witnessed for 16 years. He will go so far as to say, “Oh, I hate that that poor kicker missed that field goal for the winning point for his team. I really do.” He’s talking about the team playing against Alabama, he’s just kind that way and really thinks of others and its not even fake.

We watched our first game Saturday night as Alabama played USC and I’m here to tell ya, we had a bit of a rough start but holy cow did we come back! Me and my husband high-fived, kissed after every touchdown and field goal, and really whooped it up. I have the best time watching Alabama football with my husband and never thought that would be possible with anyone.

Good luck to all the football players out there. May you have no concussions or serious injuries and thank you for the wonderful entertainment and hard work that you give. And oh, by the way . . . ROLL TIDE!

Love y’all!! ♥

 

I Will Always Do The Right Thing

They say the test of a person’s character is doing the right thing even if no one is looking. This is how I have been raised by my parents, church, and any other of the thousands of positive influences I have had the privilege of being around. It’s also how I raise my own children.

That’s not to say that I am saying I’m a living breathing perfect angel like the one pictured, no, not at all, I’m human after all. But I have an incredibly strong sense of right and wrong.

I have always and will continue to stick up for those that can’t help themselves, the elderly, the picked on, the misunderstood, and especially all children.

Children look to their parents, teachers, and other loved ones to nurture them, care for them, protect them, make smart decisions for them, and guide them.

As for the idiot I heard about the other day beating up an old lady to bits to get her purse, you are one sick dude. Also, whoever you were that killed the two RN nuns because you are too idiotic to get a job, hell is gonna love having you, buddy.

When I was in grade school and on some stout steroids for my very bad asthma, I was oddly strong. There were a couple of people in my class that kids would pick on and it ticked me the heck off so I did what I had been taught . . . first I warned them to leave these kids alone, they didn’t so . . . I broke a nose and bloodied a lip. They never bothered those helpless kids again. Sure, I was in a heap of trouble, but don’t pick on the little guys, the weaklings, or those that are different because you have NO IDEA what it must be like for them.

Since I have had my own children my sense of right and wrong as well as a new momma bear attitude has entered into my heart. This makes me vulnerable to seeing children get put into a situation that will hurt them both now and later. I cannot keep quiet about that, CANNOT!

How dare any parent abuses a child in any way shape or form. How dare you! I’ve had to report several cases of abuse over the last 24 years I have worked with kids and it breaks my heart all to bits. I pray so much to have the children watched over, all of the children. They certainly don’t deserve some of the crap they get dealt. I can liken it to a situation that happened to me when I was younger.

I was swimming at our neighborhood pool playing with a new friend I had made. This friend I would learn that day was a bit evil. Here’s what I mean . . .

She asks me how long I can hold my breath and do I want to have a contest? I agreed so we both went under and within milliseconds, she went up for air. Determined to win and show off a little, I held my breath all they way to suffering so when I came up for air, I REALLY NEEDED IT. Well, my new evil friend got ticked off that I could hold it so long so that when I surfaced to breathe in a huge gulp of air, she was waiting and splashed a gush of water into my face, causing me to inhale a ton of water. The coughing and sputtering went on for a long time. I will never forget this ambush done to unsuspecting me and that’s what I think of when someone brings a baby into this world and reins their gush of crap all down on that kid.

It’s not right!

Through prayer and quiet observation aligned with quiet behind the scenes positive necessary actions, I will continue to do what it right and just, for all situations and people both young and old.

Love y’all!! ♥

 

 

My Three-Ring Shit Show

Life is the weirdest damn box of chocolates there is. How can I be the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life when all there seems to be is constant chaos? It’s a freaking mystery!

I can tell that my two sisters are having their own three-ring shit show as well because my hilarious as hell middle sister sent us this link below last night:

I laughed my ass off as I listened to this video and so did my younger sister. Boy, we sure needed to hear and see this video. If you need a laugh, copy and paste the link, its freaking hilarious!

One of the hardest parts of blending a family is accepting each other’s parenting styles. Now, wrapped up in a divorced person’s parenting style is a load of guilt, levels of wanting to make your kids happy since you tore their world apart so you tend to overdo, or in my case overdo and underdo, I don’t sweat the small stuff, my husband does. Plus, our kids are so vastly different.

In comes the extrovert vs introvert three-ring shit show . . .

I have mentioned this before but it needs mentioning again here in this blog but my son is an in your face happy-go-lucky, calls it like he sees it, humorously loud kid with a shit ton of friends. My daughter is loud, sings constantly, loves to laugh and loudly, has a shit ton of friends, and seems to be making a ton more now that she is in high school.

I too have a loud personality, call it like I see it, don’t take shit off of no one, talks to oneself, loud laugher, and I cuss like a sailor. I know you are all shocked about that last one. I have many friends and can make friends easily, though I have only a few very close friends if you know what I mean.

The other side of my blended family is the exact opposite. My oldest step son is a mix of introvert/extrovert and has several friends but he’s relatively calm and quiet. My bonus daughter is very very introverted, shy, and has a few friends. My younger bonus son has kind of surprised me in the last year or two as he has bloomed and has gone from very introverted to leaning towards the extroverted side, he has several friends, has been speaking up and standing up to situations he does not agree too, and finally has an opinion. I’m actually shocked at how much he has changed in the last two years really.

Now, my husband is introverted, quiet, does not like confrontation, has a few friends, is a homebody, and doesn’t like a lot of activity in the house because it irritates him.

So, you’ve got this pot of opposites and sometimes it boils over . . .

Then you throw in a couple of the ‘others’ in there, not in the immediate family I speak of but still unfortunately involved and the damn pot explodes all over your kitchen. Oh but wait, throw in college woes, loans that should have never happened, an escapee, high school, dog hair, no room for the tinkerer, possible menopause, kidney stones, a new boyfriend, work, laundry, and running everyone around as they spend all of your money as if it is water . . . your whole house goes up in damn flames.

As your neighbors are all standing around your burning home, they wonder, “Well, what the hell happened here?”

As my husband and the 3 we have left in the house at the moment, long story, stagger out covered in black soot and some food stuffs, the neighbors gather around and ask, “Are you alright? What the hell happened in there? There was an explosion!”

As I peer into their searching wondering eyes, I wearily say, “That’s the aftermath of a blended family and it can get damn ugly. Welcome to my three-ring shit show, y’all.”

Love y’all!! ♥

 

 

 

Body Language

Body language is one of the most fascinating things around and is defined as communication by the movements or attitudes of the body. Why talk about this?

Here’s why . . .

The other day, I watched two deaf people signing to each other and it was very clear by one of the folks fearsome signing to the other that she was pissed as hell. It was all over her face, in the way she clipped out her angry hands as she signed, and I could see the guy she was signing to backing slowly away so as not to get attacked by pissed off hands and angry body language. It was utterly fascinating to watch, though truly I was eavesdropping because I do know some sign language. I won’t share what she was pissed off about but she was in her own right, I can assure you.

Going further with it, I stopped off at the liquor store the other day and walked in on Robert, the friendly liquor store clerk, laughing his ass off at something he was looking down at on the counter. Once I got what I needed, I walked up to the counter and said, “What’s so damn funny over here, Robert?” He grabs the small newspaper he was looking at and says, “Get a load of the recently arrested in our county.” As I looked at what he was talking about, there on the first page was a mug shot of a guy I had gone to high school with!

I sat my item on the counter and continued to thumb through my small town’s most wanted and evidently caught criminals. They had bad check writers, child porn folks, DUI’S, rape, theft, etc., etc. One of the things I immediately noticed under the rape section of mug shots was that two of the dudes there had their chins up in the air as if their shit didn’t stink and they’d rape again if you dared them. It pissed me the hell off! Another dude was freaking smiling for the camera as if to say, “I love rape, bring it on.” WTF!!

I looked at Robert, who is an ex-cop, and said, “What do you notice about these two with their chins in the air?” Robert looked at me in all seriousness and said, “It’s guys like that that I’d like to kick some ass for their arrogance. And that guy smiling right there, I’d kick his ass too because who in the hell smiles for a damn mug shot for rape?!”

Exactly! What kind of punk ass are you to rape, get caught, and smile for the damn camera, you stupid piece of crap?!

I cannot tell you how many times I have pissed off someone via text for something that I innocently sent with no knowledge that it would actually tick them off.

My point is technology is causing body language to be on the list of lost arts and let me tell y’all something, body language is key in full understanding and essential in communication. Am I right?

Although body language is essential for communication boy can it piss me off when I’d be in yet another argument/fight with my ex and he’d get that ‘look’ on his face or he’d point at me to make his point or better yet, get right up in my face so his nasty breath was all over my precious face. I just wanted to blurt out, “Back your body language up sir cuz it’s screaming at me and brush your damn teeth to boot.” Boy howdy, that man could and still does piss me the hell off!

Although technology is awesome it really is, there are arts that are being lost to it such as cursive, sitting on your neighbor’s porch having a sweet ice tea talking about the weather, playing outside, exercising, and body language is slowly making its way on that list.

Embrace technology but don’t forget about the humanness of life. People need each other!

Love y’all!! ♥