Pratyush Sinha's Blog

Let it go…

when the pain reaches your threshold

when that feeling of loss is not mutual

when painful eyes find them happy without you

Its time for you to let them go

when they make reasons to avoid

when you are made to feel like a void

when it always keeps coming back on you

Its time for you to let them go

when that pain of they don’t care creeps in

when your eyes are the only ones still looking

when those paths you walked together are lonely

Its time for you to let them go

when you feel the guilt for their sorrow

when you cant see things together for tomorrow

when you feel they would be happy without you

its time for you to let them go

when you try everything but still fail

when you feel you are the reason for their pain

when its not you they are looking to

its time for you to let them go

letting it go is not that easy said and done

its a grind of pain that one has to undergo

so to all who will raise a finger to say i didn’t try

letting it go is the biggest thing one can try

2015 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

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Here's an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,600 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 60 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

आज चीख उठी इनसानियत

आज चीख उठी इनसानियत, जब देखा तेरा पागलपन

तू धर्म बचाने निकला खुद का, इमान कहाँ छोड़ आया है

बेकसूरों को मारता बुज़दिल क्या कभी किसी का घर बसाया है

तेरे बन्दुक से निकली हर गोली ने तोडे़ है कितने परिवारो को

जब बरसाता है सरेआम गोलीयाँ क्या मजहब भी पूछ पाता है

लहू का रंग क्यों भाता तुझको, क्या कभी कोई जख्म भर पाया है

आज तू मारे कल हम मारेंगे, ये सिलसिला अब बस थम जाना है

मजहब – मजहब करता है तू कौन सा मजहब नफ़रत सिखाता है

ये तेरा खुद का मजहब है, गीता क़ुरान को क्यो बदनाम कराता है

बस बन्द करो ये पागलपन तुम, हम अब और सहन ना कर पायेंगे

मन्दिर मस्जीद के फसादो मे हम अपने ईमान को ना थुकरायेगे

तु लड़ता है तो लड़ ले हमसे, मेरा मजहब है प्यार सिखाता

वो होगा कोई और ही मजहब, जिसपे तू इतना इतराता

आज चीख उठी इंसानियत

आज चीख उठी इंसानियत, जब देखा तेरा पागलपन

तू धर्म बछाने निकला  खुद का, इमान कहान छोड़ आया है

बेकसुरों को मारता बुज्दिल, क्या कभी किसी का घर बसाया है

तेरे बन्दुक से निकली हर गोली ने, तोडे़ है कितने परिवारो को

जब बरसाता है सरेआम गोलीयाँ, क्या मजहब भी पुछ पाता है

लहू का रंग क्यों भाता तुझको, क्या कभी कोई जख्म भर पाया है

आज तू मारे कल हम मारेंगे, ये सिलसिला अब बस थम जाना है

मजहब – मजहब करता है तू, कौन सा मजहब नफ़रत सिखाता है

ये तेरा खुद का मजहब है, गीता क़ुरान को क्यो बदनाम कराता है

बस बन्द करो ये पागलपन तुम, हम अब और सहन ना कर पायेंगे

मन्दिर मसजिद के फसादो मे हम अपने ईमान को ना ठुकरायेगे

तु लड़ता है तो लड़ ले हमसे, मेरा मजहब है प्यार सिखाता

वो होगा कोई और ही मजहब​, जिसपे तू इतना इतराता

Wake up before the Sun Set

The day Amar realised his fault; it was too late. The guilt of how badly he has treated Vrinda was killing him.

“What have I done?” Raj could sense the guilt, the pain and the anger in Amar’s tone. But he was as helpless as Amar, he knew it was too late. The sun that always shined over Amar, had set. Vrinda who gave life to Amar was gone forever.

“Amar, you need to come out of this. I don’t think she is going to come back ever. Please don’t kill yourself with the guilt. It was not only your fault.” Raj tried making a reason.

“I know she won’t come back. Shit! What have I done, how badly I ruined something that I cherished the most. I killed ‘Us’, all because of my anger.” It was getting tougher for Amar to control his tears.

Raj didn’t know what to do, was he with the same Amar. Amar was so full of life, he always wear that smile on his face and today all that was left in him was a lost face full of sorrow and guilt.

“I need her back in my life. Raj, please help me. I can’t see a life without her. She completed me. With her, life looked so beautiful and now it feels like I am dead forever.” Amar could not stop his tears, he was helpless.

He wanted her back, but he couldn’t do anything. She has moved on, he tried everything he could but all he got were failures.

Relationships are strange, it would never succeed if only one person wants it. A mutual bonding is needed to make a relation successful. No matter how harder you try alone, it would never succeed till both make some effort. Amar realised the fact. He had tried all the possible ways to bring Vrinda back but never got any success.

“I wished Vrinda just hated me. Why she had to move on? Why she behaves like she has no emotions left for me?” Amar was able to realise the loss.

It is easier to win back a person who hates you. Hate is love just gone wrong; what is unbearable is the phase of apathy when nothing matters at all.

Amar knew that Vrinda has reached that phase. She has now stopped fighting and getting angry of whatever Amar said. Whenever he would call her or message her, she would just listen to what he has and would never react. The coldness in Vrinda’s behaviour was killing Amar. He wanted her to get angry, shout on him, say bad words. But all he got to all his messages was a cold “hmm”. What killed him the most was when Vrinda would look blankly towards him as he didn’t exist there at all.

Amar knew there was nothing left in her. The girl who loved him so much. Whose life started and ended on him has not sent him any message or haven’t talked to him for so many days.

“How was she able to do this? Does she has nothing left for me?” Amar was still angry with Vrinda and anger had now got mixed with pain and sorrow.

He remembered how beautiful life was when they were together.

“It felt so nice.” Amar remembered as if it was yesterday. “You know Raj, we shared every moment that we lived.” Raj remembered how even when not with Vrinda, Amar was always with her. They were always connected with the help of WhatsApp and it was only sleep which could part them away.

“I know Amar, but you would need to understand that what happened was past. Get into reality; she is gone. Either work on getting her back or just move on.” Amar was jolted back to today by Raj.

“How can she return to my life Raj? I have been so mean to her. How can I even expect her to forgive me and come back?” Amar was again filled with the sense of guilt. He knew he was to be blamed for it was him who has ruined what was the best phase of his life.

“I wished, I could have controlled my anger on time. I had been so possessive. Jealousy ruled me always. I made her life so miserable. Why Raj, why? Why did I not realise what I am doing to her?” tears kept flowing from Amar’s eyes. Yes tears have nothing to do with the gender. It is related to the feelings.

“You know, yesterday I was reading our Whatsapp conversation that we used to have. She was so much with me. She so much cared for me. She would always try making me feel good. She bothered when I used to get angry and would try to make me feel better by sharing her pics or by sending me her sound clips. Those made so much sense to me. I cherished them as my most precious treasures. Just listening to her voice or looking at her melted me like a butter kept on a hot pan. My anger would go away only to return soon.” Amar shared with Raj, the pain in his tone was making Raj feel sorry for him.

“Everyone saw the love in her eyes. I still kept making issues of smaller and big things. If only I would have been more considerate. If only I would have understood her. If only I would have not been so possessive to chock her. She would have still been with me and I would have not been in the state that I am.” Amar could not bear it anymore.

“Amar, I know how you two have been. You looked so good together. Just perfect for each other. Why don’t you try getting her back?” Raj was trying his best to calm Amar.

“Because now it’s too late Raj. She has moved on. Till when she would have tolerated me. This was bound to happen one day. I wished I could have taken the hints she kept giving me. She tried everything to make “Us” happen. I was such a fool. I ruined it all.” Amar was filled with guilt. Raj wished he could help Amar, but whatever Amar was going through was something he asked for. It was his anger and jealousy that ruined things between him and Vrinda.

Raj knew it was too late now; Vrinda has finally moved on. All the rantings that Amar did, all the fights that Amar had with her; snapped whatever was left between her and Amar. Moving away from him was the only option she had. She went through a painful process and became strong to have the peace which was now missing being with Amar. She still had some weak moments when she would reply to Amar but slowly she was able to control those weak moments too.

“I wished I just get to meet her once. Just once so that I could apologies to her for what I did to her. I wish she meets me just once and let me open my heart to her. I just want to let her know how much sorry I am for whatever I did to her. She was so much with me and I ruined it so badly. I wish I could meet her just once.” Amar prayed for just one meeting. Today even meeting that girl who used to make two to three excuses every day to meet him was not possible.

Amar was filled with the guilt, he woke up finally; realised what he has done. Wanted to correct his fault but alas it was too late.

The sun that shined always above him has finally set bringing him darkness and sorrow.

 

 

Life, why are you so…

At some juncture in our life we do get into a situation when we just want to walk out but something stops us. Rohit was in a similar situation, he felt trapped and every attempt to come out of it was not working.

Rohit had a successful life. After finishing his engineering from a premium institute he got placed in a reputed organisation. He was climbing the stairs of success slowly. A successful software engineer, he was well paid and was respected in his team. Life was good and he enjoyed the respect and success.

He was famous in his organisation and people loved him. He was good looking, intelligent smart and had a great sense of humour. “A perfect guy” was what he was referred as by all.

The project in which Rohit was working was growing and new team members were getting added regularly. This was how he met Anamika, she was a new joiner and was assigned in the same team. Rohit was attracted to her at the first instance itself she was different. The confidence that she had, her smile her look everything made her stand apart from others. Rohit was smitten by her. But he was wise enough to control himself, this was a professional set up.

Anamika was a different girl, she was intelligent and gorgeous. Her confidence made her more attractive. She was the perfect example of beauty with brains.

Rohit was falling for her, he used to admire her silently but soon he started getting close to her. He was too caring, she liked the way he use to involve her from day one and never made her feel that she is in a new environment. They soon became good friends and started spending their free time together at office. Meeting at office soon got added with chatting on Whatsapp post office. Both of them were getting close. They started matching their metro timings; she coming from Model town and he coming from Dwarka; they would meet at Rajiv chowk and then board the metro to NCC together. They were getting close day by day. Their post office chats started growing, stealing glances while in office was becoming a habit. They started predicting what the other person wanted and tried making it happen. The closeness was growing day by day and it soon changed into liking for each other.

Anamika was a bindaas girl she didn’t care much about what people feel and she always did what she felt like. Though she changed for Rohit a lot. He was a priority to her and it was always evident. She use to take care of him in return he ensured even her casual wishes would turn into reality.

He always prayed Anamika never ask for the moon, it would be too difficult to bring it on earth he always thought.

Things were moving fine, yes they were in an unannounced relationship. The only thing which was missing between them was the confirmation.

Both were taking all efforts to make the other person feel special, but Rohit was somewhat overdoing it. He was getting emotionally attached to her and had started feeling bad on things which he didn’t see happening. Getting insecure for her was one of the things he developed, he wanted her to be with him when free.

Anamika was cool about this idea, she liked giving space and having her own space. The bomb was ticking and the bitterness started creeping in. Has to happen, Rohit had a lot of expectations from her.

Wrong ones of course; but when you expect you only expect don’t think it is wrong or right.

If they are not met it does hurts even if they are wrong.

For Rohit whatever he expected was not wrong, because he was giving everything for her, wanted her to do the same.

“What’s wrong in expecting, you only expect from those who are close to you.” he used to say always.

Keeping expectations is not wrong but expecting all your expectations would be met is wrong. Rohit never felt he was wrong he was doing everything for her and wanted the same in return.

“For me you are priority so why can’t you give me some priority” he would always complain to her. She tried accommodating but she was slowly reaching her breaking point and now started finding it difficult to manage. Every time she would make plans with her friends he would complain. She was feeling chocked, she liked him and hence she kept trying.

Fights were now a common part of their life. He would react on her not giving him priority and she would react to his reactions.

She was finding things stupid and he was finding them painful.

It was getting hard for Anamika to handle this, she really liked Rohit and wanted to work on this relation but the constant nagging from Rohit was pissing her off. She never liked being forced to do something. If she wants it she would do it else no one can force her; that was her attitude.

Rohit had a more sacrificing attitude. Anamika ruled his life. For him she was the priority, he was ditching all for her and expected the same from her. It was now difficult for him to live without her not being around. The days she was not in office he was not at his best.

He was able to sense the change in Anamika’s attitude.

But was was not able to understand she had stopped meeting him saying meeting you only spoils my mood, but the Whatsapp chat and phone calls had continued.

She was too friendly with people, she had this aura which attracted people. She was a famous girl in the office and she didn’t mind this attention. Her circle was growing exponentially, and this made her give lesser time to Rohit at office post office meetings had already stopped. She even started coming with another friend who live near her place and drove to office. This ofcourse added to his agony for now even that one and half hour time with her was snatched from him.

Going out with her friends was becoming more often and it was only adding to Rohit’s jealousy and pain. He had started feeling left out and their fights had grown. He was feeling unwanted and it was painful for him to see how both of them were getting separated.

Anamika did feel bad about it but she was quite practical about things, she liked him and really wanted the relation to work but not at her expense. She hated making efforts, she wanted Rohit to change and accept her the way she was. Rohit only needed more time and attention from her. He liked spending time with her talking to her but none of these were happening anymore. Whenever he would make any plan Anamika would decline and make plans with her friends. He was hating it but didn’t know what to do.

His mental state was effecting him big way, he kept thinking about her. The old cheerful Rohit was gone, what was left was someone he didn’t know.

He wanted to come out of this state. He wanted to move on, be the same old Rohit he was.

But moving on would have meant leaving Anamika behind.

Which meant leaving one of the best part of his life.

How can he do that? The mere thought of moving on scared Rohit, he liked Anamika and really felt happy being with her, but he was also not liking the state he was in.

He felt stuck not able to decide what to do… his mind said move on his heart said keep trying. He had nowhere to go, he felt like his life was getting into a deep mess with him losing all controls.

He continuously looked for an answer to why life was so difficult…

 

 

 

 

Kalam tujhe salaam

You lived to inspire,

Gave our wings that fire.

You are an inspiration Kalam,

Please take our heartiest Salam

You did so much for this nation

Proud I am, I know your vision

Your dream to make India a superpower

You led us on that path, we are empowered

The world knows our strength today

Missile man’s impact is still alive today

A strong nation with its own PSLV technology

We are powerful all because of your Agni

And how you led us to make the Buddha Smile

At Pokhran, we declared don’t dare if you are wise.

You led from front with that polite smile

President you were yet so humble and nice.

You are the man who unites India as a nation

Your admirers live from top to the tip of this nation

The world bows for you in admiration

Every citizen of India sees you as inspiration

As you leave us and depart to heavenly abode

We all stand together with your Vision to behold

We all will bring your dream to reality

 India a superpower, yes will be a reality

The “missile man” will live for ever in his nation

“Bharat Ratna” you are and you are our inspiration

As we bid you farewell with our teary eyes

Superpower we will be, we all are determined

The nation will rise and will pay homage to you

2020 will be a true tribute, we can give to you.

Eternal Love

When I saw her for the first time my eyes got fixed on her. She was different; it felt like a fairy has just landed on this mortal world. That smile that she carried on her face had a magnetic effect. Anyone could get attracted to it, so how could I be spared.

It was a break between our classes, and we were all having fun at the stairs in front of our class when I saw her for the first time.

Her perfume took my attention, she was coming down the stairs and I was just enticed by her perfume. It was “Obsession Night” from “Calvin Klein”, I just loved that perfume. But what made me turn my head was her voice, that chirpiness forced me to turn and see who is this girl with such a beautiful voice. The moment I looked at her I was spell bound. I was out of my senses and my eyes were fixed on her. She saw me looking towards her and she just gave me a smile. My eyes followed her till she was in my sight. Yes she was different and I was completely under her spell.

The day passed with her thought, I had no idea what was taught in the class. She ruled my mind since that day. Her smile, her voice the way she looked and her beauty it was all magical.

Since that moment my eyes kept searching her at college. I was now getting used to her routine, I started keeping track of her classes, her break time. When she use to visit the canteen, when was she in the library or in the sports room and not to miss the time she descend those stairs. I had made note of her complete routine and I was always around her whenever she was out of her class.

She started noticing my presence and in fact her eyes did looked for me. The moment she would locate me, her smile was back. I did nothing apart from looking at her and she always responded with her smile.

It was like admiring her from a distance and be together even when we never tried coming closer or talking. I thought a lot many times to talk to her but I could never gather that courage. I preferred admiring her from a distance. I know her smile had a hope that I will come to her and try. But for me she was like a goddess and you can just admire a goddess from a distance you cannot get close to her.

Just hug and patch up…

They both wanted to hug each other and patch it up. Both were not liking the state they were in; still they could not take the first step.

The wall that got created between them was very high and they kept making it higher with their ego and anger.

Not even a single unpleasant instance went unattended. Sometimes he took it up and sometimes she took it up.

What died in this were those beautiful moments they spent together. What died was that love, care and affection that they had for each other.

They still cared for each other, they still waited for those moment when they can meet or see each other. They were still inseparable in their thoughts but their ego stopped them from taking the first step.

Yes they were slowly reaching that point which will have no return. They never wanted it but they still kept working to reach to that point.

Both were so different she was a tough girl and he was an emotional guy. She was not able to take it anymore and he just didn’t want to let her go. The struggle to save “US” was being lost day by day.

They very well knew the cost of this loss, they never wanted it. But their ego always stopped them from working on it. “Why should I” and “how many times” were becoming more important.

Those small things they did to make each other happy were all well forgotten. What remained in the memory were only instances which hurt.

The anger always excited them to end this up but the love was still there and ending this was just impossible.

It is such a strange situation. When you love someone so much that it’s difficult to stay away, and your anger is such that it stops you from even trying to get closer.

This strange feeling will keep you disturbed. You will always hate them for loving you so much that it’s difficult to end it. The anger keeps growing and what dies slowly is the love and happiness.

Even with so much hatred and anger their relation was still beautiful, they kept doing things for each other. They refrained from contacting each other directly but they kept luring them on each other’s social media profiles. Whenever they fought there would be an increase in the updates and post of things which interested the other. They would silently look into the posts and feel good, but it was always difficult to take that first step to patch up. The patch ups would only happen when they would reach the threshold of their anger then they would fight it out and then stay together for some days before something new comes up.

Their ego and their anger would always take a toll on their relation. She would hate him for picking up small things and he would hate her for not taking care of even small things. How many times they would say “you know what let’s end this up” but the thoughts of losing each other would bring them together again.

The moments that they lost in their ego was taking a toll on their relation how easy it was to give a hug and patch it up. But ego was something which kept winning always and love was what lost every time.

That guilt I had…

The day Bhaiya asked me about Nirmal and his where about. I was ashamed. What should I tell him? I tried making a story, I think he understood what’s going on. He enquired no further just told me “didi ghar ke paas baith ke intazaar mat kiya kijiye. Neechey hi baitha kijiye aur jab main aa jaun tab upar aaya kijiye.” I knew what he meant and what he was trying to tell me. I was filled with shame.

I was working in this household for almost 3 years and they knew everything about me. They were like a family to me, I not only called them Bhaiya and Bhabhi but I even treated them as one. I never thought I would face a situation like this, when someone whom I treat like a brother would have to make such statement to me. I felt ashamed and preferred to remain silent.

I had a strange feeling I was ashamed that Bhaiya saw me with Nirmal and made a comment; but I was surprised I had no hint of guilt.

And why should I feel guilty? This was bound to happen. It’s been four years my husband left me here and went back to the village. The sorrow of loneliness kills sometimes. That too when you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I was going through a bad phase when Nirmal came into my life. He brought peace and joy to me. With him I felt like I am alive again. He was the reason for me coming out of my darkness. Yes I fell for him, I met him when I was weak and in him I found that strength to fight back. I know what I am doing is wrong. Society calls it a sin but where was the society when my husband walked out of my life. Why should I bother about the society today when the society didn’t care for me back then?

But why is that even when I feel I am not doing anything wrong I am ashamed? If this is not guilt then what is it? Nirmal has given me my happiness back but why is it that I feel ashamed with it. Why can’t I just move on in my life? Why am I still stuck to the old cord, a cord that got broken four years back? Why I still can’t move on and lead a life which is full of happiness. It’s because we live in a society which would never help you when you are alone and full of misery. But will always raise eyebrows if you are trying to make choices and move on….