Jeff Mach's Blog, page 21

On The Virtues Of Conspiracy Theory

At the time of this writing, many people believe that “conspiracy theories” are inherently crackpot ideas–worthless at best, dangerous at worst.

This is patently untrue. Some of the most insane, implausible, complex, far-fetchedc conspiracy theories turned out to be absolutely, verifiably true. MK-Ultra, for example.

Conspiracy theories of earlier times might attribute today’s war on conspiracy theories to a very simple cause and effect: those running conspiracies don’t want you to believe that they might be real, because it would wreck the secrecy, and thus the core structure, of that system.

But I’d like to propose a simpler answer.

Consider a world which is run, or massively affected and changed, by one or more massive conspiracies.

This would mean that SOMEBODY KNOWS WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, AND WHY.

Now consider that the reason so many people have abandoned rational thought in favor of emotional pain (on all subjects, across all political and social spectra and spaces); the reason so many people feel so particularly lost; the reason people are demoralized, anxious, attention-deficient and unhappy is because

THERE ARE QUITE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO BENEFIT FROM A POPULATION WHICH IS PERPETUALLY WOUNDED.

Now, if people were able to believe that some of this was INTENTIONAL, they’d know they might fight it. They’d know they SHOULD fight it. They’d know it was some kind of organized attempt to make them demoralized.

So they need to teach us that there IS no conspiracy, because that would just be TOO DAMN COMFORTING.

Can you prove this? I doubt it. Any conspiracy or set of conspiracies able to do this much damage won’t let its existence be visible. At least not easily.

So I propose the following conspiracy:

CONSPIRE TO BELIEVE THAT A LARGE FORCE IS OUT TO GET YOU, AND YOU CAN THWART IT.

It’s much more comforting than assuming all this is happening by accident.

And also, it happens to be true.

We’re not a species divided against itself. We’re a species capable of unity and thought, being ambushed by those who desire neither.

The post On The Virtues Of Conspiracy Theory appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Animatronics Are Probably Not Secretly Alive

It appears that people have an incredibly powerful desire to believe in hidden monsters. So I’d like to reassure you:

Animatronics are not secretly alive. In fact, the more frightening or dangerous an animatronic appears, the less likely it is that the thing is not actually a robot, but is, instead, a sentient, malevolent individual, able to move on its own and determined to rend and wreck human flesh and destroy human life.

Honest.

I certainly understand that if you’re at, say, a haunted house, or an amusement park, and you encounter a mechatronic puppet, the thing doesn’t feel like a puppet. That T-rex, that shark, that ghoulish hand and arm, that peculiar character, it’s intended to act in a lifelike manner. And I do get that the uncanny valley is, like most valleys, imperfectly definable; that is, you can probably tell the deepest part is certainly within the valley, and at a certain distance out, the flatland or less-indented land is probably not within the valley. Likewise, the distance between that which has life and intentionality, and that which merely mimics it, is not easily defined in the chest and the gut.

But as long as we use logic and reason, we are fine.

I don’t mean the kind of ‘logic’ and ‘reason’ which rule out the supernatural, or say that all unknown things are actually known things in forms we don’t happen to understand. That’s more a dogma than an analysis. I simply mean that it’s unlikely that your local haunted house has actually located an active werewolf and convinced her to put on performances for tourists.

So the next time you visit a haunt and see an animatronic, don’t worry! It won’t actually attack you! It’ll just PRETEND to attack you.

At least while you’re at the haunted house.

And it probably won’t follow you home.

I think.

 

The post Animatronics Are Probably Not Secretly Alive appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Wishing Welt

If I could make wishes come true, I wouldn’t live in a well.
If I couldn’t make wishes come true, I might live in a well and pass on the idea that wishes might come true

if you throw a few coins into the water.

Making wishes come true is a matter of magic. Making people pay you when they want to wish,

that’s marketing.

(or at least, it’s a certain kind of marketing.)

If you could grant wishes, you’d have an incentive to make  yourself difficult to find. Granting wishes can’t be easy

(it’s a whole lot harder than denying wishes, for one thing)
–and you’d want to conserve your resources.

On the other hand,if all you wanted was the gesture, the opportunity for people to wish,
then all you need to do is convince themto spend their money on the goal of making things appear without effort–

it’s unlikely, but it’s such an attractive prospect, compared to the effort of doing things.
So you need to promote the rumour that throwing a shiny or two into the water might just grant one’s desires.
And you need to spread it as far and wide as possible.

So it’s important to send forth elves, magic, whispers, curses, and geotargeted mobile hypertargeted advertising

to make sure people believe in the satisfying feel of the coin in your hand, the sweet note of the drop into the water, the power of pure wish

and that they stop trying things that are bad for business,

like effort,

thought,

analysis,

more effort.

In this way, you can get a lot of wishers,

and if very little gets done, why worry?

You’re at the bottom of a well. The outside world can go to Hell.

The post Wishing Welt appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

If I could make wishes come true, I wouldn’t live in a we...

If I could make wishes come true, I wouldn’t live in a well.
If I couldn’t make wishes come true, I might live in a well and pass on the idea that wishes might come true

if you throw a few coins into the water.

Making wishes come true is a matter of magic. Making people pay you when they want to wish,

that’s marketing.

(or at least, it’s a certain kind of marketing.)

If you could grant wishes, you’d have an incentive to make  yourself difficult to find. Granting wishes can’t be easy

(it’s a whole lot harder than denying wishes, for one thing)
–and you’d want to conserve your resources.

On the other hand,if all you wanted was the gesture, the opportunity for people to wish,
then all you need to do is convince themto spend their money on the goal of making things appear without effort–

it’s unlikely, but it’s such an attractive prospect, compared to the effort of doing things.
So you need to promote the rumour that throwing a shiny or two into the water might just grant one’s desires.
And you need to spread it as far and wide as possible.

So it’s important to send forth elves, magic, whispers, curses, and geotargeted mobile hypertargeted advertising

to make sure people believe in the satisfying feel of the coin in your hand, the sweet note of the drop into the water, the power of pure wish

and that they stop trying things that are bad for business,

like effort,

thought,

analysis,

more effort.

In this way, you can get a lot of wishers,

and if very little gets done, why worry?

You’re at the bottom of a well. The outside world can go to Hell.

The post appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Among the primary goals of the Technocracy is the general...

Among the primary goals of the Technocracy is the general avoidance of the existence of a Technocracy.

One might think this would be difficult to merge with the Technocracy’s boundless desire for recognition and approval, its desire to be the first among inequals by pouring itself into the shape of organizations which are similar to other corporate and governmental entities–just better.

But if you offer wealth, status, power, more power, and some extra power, you can employ as many of the humanistic sciences

(or pseudosciences)

as you want.

If you find a rapidly-changing culture, amidst even more rapidly-changing technology, and people don’t even notice the technological changes except as incremental annoyances and minor improvements, you’re probably under control.

If Clarke is right, and any sufficiently powerful technology is indistinguishable from magic, any sufficiently powerful technology can create magical thinking, such that we stop analyzing the equipment, the gear, the machines, the mechanical intelligence which runs most of our lives.

I’m sure that hasn’t happened to you.

Especially if you’re not reading this online.

The post appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

The Bloody Bullshot

 

The Bloody Bullshot – A Seriously Macho Villain’s Drink

 

Some of you might know my general opinion that, in the original Bond novels, there are always at least two major villains: Whoever the book’s alleged villain is, and also James Bond. And I don’t know that Bond would have necessarily disputed this idea; certainly, it’s no spoiler to say that, the single time he’s brainwashed, it’s with the idea that he’s always been a weapon, simply pointed in the wrong direction.

There’s a lesser-known Bond story where, while there’s no grand scheme, everyone seems guilty. (This is not a spoiler; it’s a murder mystery where everyone has motive, and the ‘victim’ is eminently dislikable). It’s the aforementioned jerk who introduced us to the ‘Bullshot’, described as ‘iced vodka in beef consommé’. (…no, we wouldn’t drink that, either.)

Now, I roamed far and wide in researching this book, and was fortunate, with the aid of a kindly birthday gift certificate, to get to Morton’s, The Steakhouse, here in lovely Mordor, New Jersey. There I encountered a bartender who was willing to indulge my wildly insane ideas involving my obsession with Islay single malts and my madness involving obscure culinary ideas.

 

I give you, then: The Bloody Bullshot!

 

Concept: Jeff Mach, and The Angry Ghosts of Ian Fleming and Trevanian

Creation: Kai Smith, Bartender

 

1 ½ ounces Laphroaig
3 ounces beef au jus
Dash of lemon juice
2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
2 dashes tabasco
Celery salt to taste
Ground pepper to taste
Garnish: Lemon Wedge

 

Put on flameproof gloves.

Mix everything together in an Adamantium shaker. Or just pour into a glass and stir with a spoon.

Serve warm or chilled, depending on the season and your own personal madness.

The post The Bloody Bullshot appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Extra Spicy WAKE THE HELL UP THE HEROES ARE COMING Coffee

(Yes, this is INSTANT COFFEE because we are EXTRA VILLAINOUS. I guess you could use real coffee, but if you already know you’re going to do horrible things to your caffeine source, why go halfway?)

1 cup hot water

3 tbsp powdered milk

2 tsp espresso instant coffee

1 sachet honey ginger tea

1 tsp, Tabasco Sauce

1 tsp, cayenne pepper

(Add other spice IF you want. I enjoy a bit of Coulson’s Mustard Powder, but I also enjoy

NOT ANY, NOT EVEN1/100th OF A TEASPOON of Dr. Burnorium’s Psycho Serum. Really. I looked this up after the third time I drank some. Weapons-grade pepper spray has LESS spice than this stuff. Burnorium Sauce should be used the same way I use a flame when cooking meat for myself and nobody’s watching: I just wave a lighter at the stuff to scare it, and then I shut the lighter and eat. [Note: THIS IS NOT A DARE. I promise, I LIKE YOU ALIVE AND WANT YOU TO BUY MORE BOOKS, unless you’re one of my enemies, in which case, you’re too cowardly to eat this stuff.] If you are a SERIOUS spice fanatic and you do not have medical conditions, and you really must try it, USE THE TINIEST AMOUNT POSSIBLE. For real. Take the warnings on the container seriously. Wash hands THOROUGHLY after handling Psycho Serum. If the amount you’re using looks ludicrously tiny, IT PROBABLY ISN’T. I eat spicy food semi-professionally, and a tablespoon of this will put me on the floor faster than a blow to the solar plexus. Trust me. I’ve tried both. The solar plexus one is easier. You can substitute any insane “Not To Be Used For Cooking” hot sauce, but seriously, anything over 5 million Scoville units WILL potentially kill you except in TINY doses, so you’ll REALLY want to save it for when the Heroes are visiting.

 

INSTRUCTIONS:

 Add everything into cup and stir. chill or add ice if desired. warning: spicy like very.

NOTES:

One reason I like instant coffee is that it’s a sin against all that is decent and right in the world, and it lets me get a head start on a day of Villainy.Yes, almost everything in this recipe is powdered. That makes it perfect for bunkers, desert outposts, and moonbases.You can always add more spice; but remember, at a certain point, it stops being coffee, and starts being caffeinated pain.Really, in my experience, Dr. Burnorium is perfect. NOT FOR DRINKING! Just for intimidating other hot sauces into behaving.

Goes well with:

 

Hellfire S’mores

A little Hellfire, a touch of brimstone, some chocolate, some giant marshmallows, a few lost souls, and voila! S’mores.

p.s. I solicited actual recipes for Hellfire S’mores, and it turns out that there are about a billion S’mores recipes out there. I realized that what I could add was less ‘an unusual recipe’ and more ‘a better philosophical approach to the idea of eating the life-forces of the Damned with chocolate’.

p.p.s. It should be noted that, if one takes the theology of C.S. Lewis seriously, as I do, eating a damned soul would deny that soul to the Devil, who would be extremely, extremely upset. Therefore, I humbly submit that, philosophically, regardless of where you fall on the subject of Lucifer, this recipe is guaranteed to make SOMEBODY unhappy.

The post Extra Spicy WAKE THE HELL UP THE HEROES ARE COMING Coffee appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Jaterničky

“And hast thou slain the Jaternič? If not, try this instead.”
-Not Lewis Carroll

This is a rare and wondrous recipe for Homemade Bohemian Jaternič, submitted by William Votava, who is responsible for all the good things herein. All the ridiculous ones? Blame me.)

As you know from Lewis Carroll, the Jaternič is a deadly and vicious beast which, it is implied, can only be slain if you have a magic sword and the ability to make it into Wonderland’s version of sausage and/or Scrapple. (Sure, he tried to disguise it by calling it a “Jabberwock”, but that was purely to keep more sausage for himself.

Bill’s got you covered, folks. Here you go:

3 hog snouts (no, this is an actual recipe. I know I joke around, but I’ve eaten at William’s when he had a restaurant, and I’m not going to mess with his instructions.

Ears, lobule and neck of hog’s head

2 to 3 pork hearts

Pork liver

2 pork tongues

3 loaves of dry, old white bread (I will say that I’d probably substitute garlic bread, because that’s how I am)

6 cloves of garlic

4 tbsps salt

1 large onion, lightly browned

1 tbsp marjoram, crushed

1 tbsp white pepper

1 tsp cloves

1 tsp allspice

1 tsp ginger

Cut the meats in fist-size pieces and soak in cold water overnight.. In the morning wash the meats, rinse in cold water, salt and place in a larger kettle, covered sufficiently with water.. Bring to a boil and continue boiling until the meats are tender.. Save the stock.. Debone the meats and chop or grind.. Keep warm.. Do not feed after midnight.

Soak bread in water and squeeze dry.. Grind the bread.. Mash 6 cloves of garlic in 3 tablespoons of salt (yes, in Jeff’s version, this is an unholy amount of garlic, and that’s how he likes it). Then add the onion and all other dry ingredients and mix together.. Add the mixture to the meats and mix thoroughly.. Stuff into casings and tie both ends with wooden skewers.. Strain the stock to a large kettle and bring to a boil.. Place the jaternicky in the boiling stock and continue to boil slowly for about twenty minutes.. Remove from the stock, rinse in cold water, and let cool.

To serve, fry slowly in a skillet until golden brown.. Delicious with boiled potatoes and sauerkraut.. Also very tasty with good black bread and red caviar; but what isn’t?

Alternately, one could be French about this: split a baguette, preferably still warm from the bakery. Slick the bread almost in half, and butter both sides (we recommend Absinthe Garlic Butter) and then add the meat.

Also goes well with Allen Lebowitz’s Fried Borogove: (A Recipe Adaptation):

Make or purchase your favorite dough. Roll it flat.

Slice up some bacon and truffles, and add some smoked borogrove; if you don’t have any of that, add a bit more bacon. Wrap up the dumpling, fry (also in butter), and then, if you’re worried about cholesterol, take another layer of dough, wrap it in that dough, and fry THAT in butter, at which point, your cholesterol should be so high that worrying is pointless. We’re pretty sure this is what Borogoves taste like in the wild, except a bit more mimsey.

The post Jaterničky appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

To Absinthe, Friends

(From my Steampunk rock opera, “Absinthe Heroes”.)

MAYOR (As NARRATOR): Bedtime, and a nightcap. A nightcap of cold, cold absinthe.

ADASTRA: At end of day, I prefer to retire with a healthful glass of warm milk.
MAYOR: I take the glass in hand, and stand by an open window.
ANTIKYTHERA: I admire the moon, and take a reverent sip.
CHAS: Then I throw the rest out the window, and go rummaging for my absinthe spoon.

“To Absinthe Friends”

COMPANY:

Absinthe makes the heart to ponder
Absinthe makes the breath to wander
Absinthe makes the eye beyonder
To absinthe, friends

ANTIKYTHERA:

I dream a dream that no-one’s dreamt
My body’s tousled, thoughts unkempt
I attempt what no-one does attempt
But I’m alone

I sleep a sleep that’s restless cold
I reach for things I cannot hold
I am learned, I get old
Alone

I dream a dream I must forget
I take each chance, I stand each bet
And yet I feel a marionette
And dance alone

ADASTRA:

I sleep like I’m a hunk of meat
And Morpheus I gladly greet
but Thanatos walks up my street
And I’m alone

I dream no dreams ever at all
And into drowse I never fall
I barely feel human at all
Machine alone

COMPANY:

Absinthe makes the heart to ponder
Absinthe makes the breath to wander
Absinthe makes the eye beyonder
To absinthe, friends

CHAS:

I sleep no sleep; I’m vigilant
I sip my hard-won stimulant
But all my hours seem mis-spent
I think too much, alone.

The post To Absinthe, Friends appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

There Are No Ghosts

There are no Ghosts within the walls;
There are no Ghouls without the halls.
There are no Demons, mirror-bound;
There are no Shadows, void of sound.

There is no Dragon, bent on burnings;
No Siren to warp all your yearnings;
No Medusa, serpentine,
No Triffids with questing stem and vine.

There’s no Volcano God, erupting;
No Tempters, knowing and corrupting;
No Pharaohs, from pyramids emerging;
No Leviathan, from deep ocean surging.

There’s no horror out of Space;
No Singularity, your life to erase;
No Meteor, with impact fatal;
No Damien, with dooming natal.

There’s no Monster, closet-hidden,
No Homunculus, murder-bidden,
No Raptors, reborn to kill;
No Universal Solvent, ready to spill.

No Elder Ones, cosmically strange;
No Psychopath, angry and deranged;
No ending of the Universe;
There’s only me

and I
am
worse.

The post There Are No Ghosts appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.