Jeff Mach's Blog, page 19
August 28, 2022
Reasons To Date An Orc Girl
(This is, of course, a follow-up to Why You Should Date An Orc.)
Humans have fascinatingly poor memories for various ideas of what we consider attractive. Ask the average evolutionary biologist, and they’ll tell you that human ideas of beauty have changed so often that anyone who edits a fashion magazine should be legitimately made entirely out of shame and sadness. But here’s why you should REALLY date an Orc.
10. Some of them are Nazgul, which is triple extra hot.
9. No Orcs are Hufflepuffs.
8. They ain’t Kobolds, either.
7. Orcs are very good at erotic intimate relations. I mean, they may bite your head off after sex, but really, who wouldn’t?
6. It’s not easy being green, but it sure increases your libido.
5. Orcs are (as noted) green, and therefore vegan.
4. This is a very large axe.
3. It is usually the gift of an Orc family to the lucky groom.
2. This gift is often placed directly into your treasure store
But might be buried in your skull, instead.The post Reasons To Date An Orc Girl appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.
August 17, 2022
The Martians And Time Travel
H.G. Wells never talked much about time travel. He enjoyed the various depictions of himself as travelling through time; he thought it was very flattering, as a writer, to be a sufficiently interesting futurist that people made jokes about you having seen it.
In his own time, it’s said he was a gentleman. (Is “gentleman” still a complement?) But he was, of course, an epic troll.
The Martians were, indeed, pitiless, and smarter than we are, and they were not primates. Their species did not have mock battles of dominance and submission. They were not big on oblique symbolism. They weren’t terribly emotional.
But you can teach the unemotional to be emotional. Especially if they don’t know they should guard against it.
We were always taught that the Martians died of (and can something a century old have spoilers? I think not, but if you’re worried, skip the rest of this) –
…the common cold.
Yes, those incredibly advanced life-forms simply had no defenses against the germs of Earth, a thing any advanced and intelligent species, observing from a nearby planet, would totally fail to notice because… reasons.
No. I doubt that’s what happened. I live only about forty minutes from Grover’s Mills, New Jersey, where the Martians landed. It’s quite a healthy place. It’s hard to catch a sniffle there.
But more importantly, anything capable of building gigantic tripodal machines which could devastate all of Mankind’s structures and armies are pretty damn likely to have reasonable medicine.
No, I think that the Martians actually took over the 19th century world. Then they found H.G. Wells’ time machine, and used it to spy on our future.
That was pretty much the end. In their search for some sort of advanced weapon to use against us, they happened to scroll our social media feeds for a few minutes.
The damage was instant. The deaths came soon after.
But not soon enough to stop the oddly-pitched Martian screaming.
The post The Martians And Time Travel appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.
August 15, 2022
A Very Brief Fairy Tale
That’s when they realized they were in a fairy tale and everything was going to end happily no matter what, so they stopped trying, and the story went on around them, inexorably, and they realized, too late, that the hard work of acting on your own is far better than the trauma of relinquishing the rights to your life and putting it into the hands Fate, who is not always kind, and not always a very good writer.
The post A Very Brief Fairy Tale appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.
August 13, 2022
How Fandom Was Conquered By The People It Was Supposed To Help
No, this isn’t going to be some whimpering tale of unexamined privilege, of someone who never noticed that his kind ruled the world, and thus never saw oppression. Sorry. This isn’t ignorance which you can dismiss. These are uncomfortable truths from someone whose credentials, though tarnished beyond recognition, can’t be ignored.
You can hate me, if you want to just participate in ignorance yourself. You can treat me like an enemy. Or you could listen to me. Because, like it or not–I’m not wrong.
This is how colonization tends to work:
A small group of disadvantaged colonists arrives in new (to them) territory. If we’re lucky, they arrive somewhere that doesn’t already have indigenous people, and so the story doesn’t begin with the slaughter of innocents. The plucky, scared colonists set up lives and try to exist and build a way of life.
Eventually, they reach a level of technology and agriculture which permits then to have an identity beyond mere survival.
And then they become powerful enough to rule, and to persecute others.
And then those others, eventually, stand up and fight for equality.
…no, just kidding. After a long time of persecution, if the persecuted get power, they very very seldom decide to forgive and forget. Why should they? How could they?
They might start seeking equality, but the oppressed haven’t even been given a chance to know what “equality” would feel like. So they fight to be strong enough to be safe, to be heard, to be present, to never go back.
And some of them, enough of them, fight for the only place where that’s really possible: they fight to take over.
It’s a fucking bloodbath.
Welcome to modern fandom.
The post How Fandom Was Conquered By The People It Was Supposed To Help appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.
August 12, 2022
The Dungeon Doggerel Never Stops
Goblin, Goblin, burning bright
In the caves of endless night
None can tell thy symmetry
Because you ate the whole party, including me.
Troll, troll,
Once the brightling Sun stole
Your flesh, and now, you’re made of stone.
You’re just like my heart, and now I’m not alone.
Dragon, Dragon, for you, careful words
Terror of lizards, planes, spaceships, and birds.
Some fear thy awful breath of flame
But they die slower than those who speak your secret name.
Demon, demon, closest foe
Please drag me with you far below
I long to leave this light-drenched limbo
With a tail to lash, and goat-legs akimbo.
The post The Dungeon Doggerel Never Stops appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.
August 7, 2022
On Chasing Dreams!
“did you know that there is a million bucks hidden in the house next door?”
“But there is no house next door.”
“No? Then let’s go build one!”
-Groucho Marx
There is a lie of omission which has messed up the lives of many a creator and entrepreneur, and it’s a very popular lie.. It happens whenever anyone says, “Follow your dreams!” and doesn’t add “…repeatedly, because the first several attempts are very likely to fail”.
It’s absolutely true that most people with dreams need encouragement – lots of encouragement.. It’s scary and difficult to try to break out of where you are, and do something new, especially if it’s something that few people, or no people, have ever done before.. And you should absolutely support your local dreamer, but–
But frequently, a large part of that support comes in a “certificate of attendance”-style – “Hey, that’s great, you have dreams! Definitely follow them! Go for it!” Because that’s what we get told – “Tell people to follow their dreams”.. Because we love that tale – we love the story of the person who has the courage and vision to dream big, and who tries to make those dreams real, and who finally succeeds against all odds.
Do you actually know anyone who’s had that experience? I don’t.. Having the skills, and the knowledge, and the infrastructure to create something successful your first time – is rare.. And most of the time, some of it is something not easily distinguishable from luck – the right idea at the wrong time seldom succeeds.. And sure, there’s something in knowing when the time for something is right.. But there’s also the good fortune of being around at a moment when your idea can find acceptance.
How do you assure that your dream will come true, then, if you don’t have tons and tons of experience, knowledge, and resources?
You don’t... At least, not to start... Not the first iteration of that dream.
What you can do is be ready.. Not “ready to fail” – don’t defeat yourself before you start.. But “ready for what happens”.. If what you have is success, fantastic! If what you have isn’t success – then, tell me, what will you do to succeed next time?
Brought to you by Steampunk Halloween.
The post On Chasing Dreams! appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.
August 5, 2022
A Few Silly Thoughts
The post A Few Silly Thoughts appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.
August 2, 2022
Pumpkin-Spiced Halloween Steampunk (In Advance!)
― H.P. Lovecraft
For behold! It is Halloween season, and the world turns its eyes to Steampunk!
I would like to say that I know this because I’m deeply attuned to the cosmic resonances and the Ley lines. secret knowledge from both extraterrestrial and earthly sources, and thus I have a perfect awareness of when Steampunk is rising high. But actually, I just tend to keep an eye on how popular certain search terms are in Google. Which is almost the same thing.
It does seem a little peculiar to me that steampunk gets so much attention during the Halloween season. I can understand that Steampunk includes certain styles of dress, and while am highly biased, I find those styles to be simply smashing, iridescently wonderful, splendid beyond belief. Okay, yes, I’m definitely biased. But seriously… Is it just because people want to be Steampunk once a year, on Halloween?
Because usually, when you want to be something for Halloween, it is a thing that doesn’t tend to exist, or thing that we are not. Usually, people who dress as serial killers on Halloween are not actually serial killers, unless they have a tremendous sense of black irony. Usually, those who dress as ghosts and ghouls and goblins and zombies are not any of those things. (They are instead vampires were waiting to get you into a false sense of security so they can suck all of your blood, but that’s another story). My point being…
There such a surge of interest in Steampunk when Halloween comes around…and yet, I don’t see tons of people dressed as steampunks for Halloween. Why is that?
I have my own secret, private theory, and I’ll share with you real quick:
The thing about Steampunk is that it doesn’t really have a barrier to entry. If you want to be our goblin for a day, you can be a goblin on Halloween and maybe an office party and maybe a costume party. But unless you actually are 7 feet tall with giant fangs and purple skin, you will find it difficult to maintain that particular more fake structure and image. Best to do it only once or twice a year at most; otherwise, it’s just too hard.
Steampunk’s not like that.
Absolutely, a lot of people entering Steampunk are very worried that they will not dress right, they will not look right, they will do something wrong. But as I’ve often written, that is not the case. Steampunk welcomes you. What you bring to Steampunk, no matter how “basic” or “amateur” or “weird” it might be–is something that enriches it, not something which is incorrect. There ain’t no such thing as incorrect steampunk. Come in with a whole heart, and you come in ready to make something joyous. You make us better, and we are grateful to you.
So then. What happens with the Halloween Steampunks?
It might be fancy, it might be whimsy, but in the back of my head, I truly believe that people who want to play around with Steampunk for Halloween might, in fact, wear their gear on Halloween. But then they kind of realize that they could wear it more often if they wanted to. And if they do, the world becomes a sillier, a more magical, more peculiar, a more creative place.
Halloween is a day to become something you are not, and feel safe doing so. Steampunk is a place where you can become something that no one is ever been, and claim it for your own. And you can do that every day of the year. And it is wonderful.
Happy upcoming Halloween! And glorious Steampunk to us all!
The post Pumpkin-Spiced Halloween Steampunk (In Advance!) appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.
July 29, 2022
Monster Manual Doggerel
Never say to a Drow, man,
“Don’t have a cow, man,”
Because the Spider Goddess
will web and consume
anything she wants and can.
Drell
I have the sort of heart that pulls
Towards crushes on tentacles.
But if you’re a giant, floating brain,
I’ll abstain.
Beholder
Beauty’s in the eye of the Beholder,
assuming you think it’s pretty
not to get any older.
Hook Horror
You’ve got a hook?
I hope it’s a Captain,
or a boxing punch,
or for fishing,
but not a Horror –
or so I’m wishing.
Storm Giant
Tall as a tower,
and half as compliant,
Ill-tempered tempest:
The Storm Giant.
Red Dragon
No King ever raised a happy flagon
At the appearance of an attacking Dragon.
And the Red Ones are the worst:
The smoke would kill you,
if the fire didn’t do it first.
Lich
Mages for whom Death’s no impediment
A quest with them’s a fun event.
It’s easy to find their deadly lair
And forever, forever, forever stay moldering there.
Aboleth
Eels are bad. Electric ones are worse.
And those who can suck out your brain?
…I think they got everyone else first.
Kobold
Kobolds are dangerous. Be watchful, son:
They’re addictive as potato chips.
Bet you can’t slay just one.
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July 28, 2022
A Note To Mr. Hyde
I promise: I am not the monster in your closet.
I am not the horrible thing under your bed.
I am not the ghost infecting your phone.
I am not the shadows on the wall of your room.
I am not the cold face watching you from the moon.
I am not the presence you sense in the darkness.
I am not the one who pressed half the breath out of you while you slept.
I am not any of those things because they do not exist.
They do not exist because I ate them all.
And gained everything they were.
And much, much worse.
Sleep well, in the shadow of your dear Mr. Hyde.
Dream of me.
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