Jeff Mach's Blog, page 25

Low Carb Savory Tuna Tea-Cakes with Roasted Red Pepper-Chive Aioli

Recipe by Jeff Mach; Adapted LOW CARB RECIPE by “The Recipe for You”

We sometimes note a certain confusion over the concept of “Tea-time”, in that, for some benighted reason, many seem to believe that this implies a portion of the day wherein one drinks the boiled leaves of certain herbs.  In point of fact, there are many different kinds of “tea”. (See Simon & Garfunkel’s “A Simple Desultory Phillipic”.)  For example, when we say it’s “time to take a spot of tea”, we probably mean “Earl Grey and crumpets”.  If, however, one mentions a “knife and fork tea”, one can presume one is in for what the Continentals might call a meal. Or, as we Dark Lords say, “Never bow your head to say Grace, because the Hobbits will make off with your elevenses.”

 

I feel compelled to return to the dashing Captain Nemo. Did you see that 1950s version of “20,000 leagues under the Sea” wherein, for reasons explicable only to the authors of said film, the brilliant scientific mind behind a submarine that was literally centuries ahead of its time made the ridiculous and unhelpful choice, for essentially unexplained reasons, to attempt to imitate non-seafood using only the flesh of underwater beasts, resulting primarily in food that looked like ordinary food but tasted disturbingly like fish?  If you’re like us, you wonder: “What in the world were they thinking?” Let this be a lesson: many an anti-Hero has found a certain lack of motivation about the world when even world dominion appears likely to bring about a lifetime of elegantly-plated but generally boring meals.

 

The treasures of the sea are vast and myriad, and certainly Villains have a long history of enjoying many of the fruits of the Sea, although we still wonder about the wisdom of attempting to win a naval battle with sea monsters; wouldn’t you be better off avoiding the whole damn battle and simple becoming rich from the sashimi?

 

Because we’re nerds, we keep asking: “Why in the world would Captain Nemo attempt to emulate the land that he hated, instead of making brilliant and sumptuous repasts from the bounty which quite literally surrounded him?”

 

He wouldn’t. He would totally do cool things with fish. And so we borrowed this recipe from him in an effort to set the record straight.

 

NOTE: If you are not of a culture which takes tea on a regular basis, you could serve these with coffee, instead. That’s not fatal. On the other hand, unless you are in relatively cosmopolitan company, we suggest renaming this dish; or, at least, we advise against calling the product of this particular recipe ‘tea-cakes’. Have you SEEN the expression on someone’s face when they’re expecting a sweet and get a rich, meaty, somewhat salty taste? ISN’T IT HILARIOUS?

….erm, we mean, ah, “THAT WOULD BE VERY, VERY WRONG. SHAME ON YOU, YOU MONSTER.”

Yield: 24 cakes

Skill Level: 2

 

Cakes:

12 ounces albacore tuna

1/4 cup finely diced celery

1/4 cup minced fresh chives

1/4 cup avocado mayonnaise

1 large egg

2 teaspoons Dijon mustard

1/4 teaspoon Kumana Avocado Hot Sauce

1 1/2 cups finely ground pork rinds

¼ tsp garlic powder

¼ tsp onion powder

¼ tsp ground oregano 

Pinch of ground black pepper to taste

Pinch of sea salt to taste

Roasted Pepper-Chive Aioli:

⅓ cup Avocado mayonnaise

¼ cup canned roasted red peppers, chopped and drained

1 tablespoon fresh chives, minced

2 teaspoons lemon juice

1 teaspoon minced garlic

 

DIRECTIONS:

 

For Pork rind bread crumbs, combine pork rinds, garlic powder, onion powder, ground oregano, pinch of salt and black pepper and mix in a small bowl. Set aside. Do not eat it all before you can actually apply it to the rest of the disk.

For Cakes : In a large bowl, combine remaining ingredients and mix well but gently. Add ½ cup of the pork rinds mixture in the mix and mix again gently to incorporate.

Put the remaining 1 cup of pork rinds in a shallow bowl. Shape tuna mixture into 24 cakes, each about 2 inches wide and 1/2 inch thick. 

Turn each cake in the remaining pork rind mixture  to coat on all sides, pressing gently to make pork rind mixture to adhere.

Place cakes slightly apart in an oiled 12- by 17-inch baking pan.

Bake in a 475° regular or convection oven until golden brown, 15 to 18 minutes. With a spatula, transfer crab cakes to a platter. 

Roasted Pepper-Chive Aioli: In a blender, mix avo.mayonnaise, roasted red peppers, chives, lemon juice, and minced garlic until smooth. Spoon a dollop onto each cake.

Garnish platter with fresh chives. Serve hot.  Beware of sharks. 

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That Hobbit, On Dragons

HOBBIT (very drunk):

And from there, you can guess the sordid details
A series of cascading fails.
The Dragon killed everyone but the Princess
Who wisely buggered off, I guess.

The starving guards, in turn,
Got the pound of Dragon flesh they earned.
Charred corpses of man, and scales well-gnawed
Spare the catapult, and spoil the rod.

The humans died. But they were quite nutritious.
Dragons fried them where they lay—no need even for dishes.
The guards mounted a last attack,
Bravely stabbing at the back.

The treasure disappeared – are you surprised?
Such perfidy! Damn their eyes.
Now they’re all dead, and in Heaven rejoined
And me? I have a lifetime coined.
And some really nice jeweled goblets, plus a very, very good single malt the Grand Vizier kept in a case labelled “Do Not Open Until The Revolution”.

Anyone want a drink?

[FIN!]

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Dragon and Princess – Continued

DRAGON: It would look bad.

PRINCESS: To the people whose monarchy you’ve destroyed?

DRAGON: Well, no. I mean, yes. I mean, what do I do if not what I know.

(The Princess smiles up at the thunder lizard.)

PRINCESS:

I’ve got an answer, mostly because
I’ve no desire to tear my dress up on your claws
Why restrict your pleasure? I sure won’t tell.
You are a Dragon, demonic and fell.

Why not eat what you choose, and drink very deep
And if some Dragon should observe and creep
You’ll be stronger by far, and can remove its throat
A nice touch that, a finishing note.

DRAGON:

You can’t kill Dragons! We’re nearly extinct!
Our actions and deaths are linked
No, I should eat you and be done
It won’t take long. Of you, there’s just one.

PRINCESS:

But what if the Princess, throughout the Realms
Have put on their tiaras and thinking helms
And knowing Dragons would come, made a plan.
Don’t slay us. Just end Man.

DRAGON:

I thought I was the serpent in this equation.

PRINCESS: You can’t be the Devil on short half-rations.

DRAGON: What must I do, then, Princess-Witch.

PRINCESS: First, let me teach you:
Blood makes you rich.

[Scene III. A throne room. Notably not as full of servants as usual, and the ones who are there are…distinctly nervous. A King. A Throne. A Dragon. A Hobbit on one side, drunk.)

KING:

Dear Royal lizard, dear bane and honor of kings,
I’m embarrassed, and the simple truth stings.
My daughter’s a coward, saving her skin
If I were in a grave, I’d spin.

Let’s end this ugly business; your poor dignity
Deserves the utmost courtesy.
Let me give you that which you crave,
And I’ll beat my daughter like a roguish knave
(While you fly, contended, to your cave.)

DRAGON: I am listening with excitement. I am all ears.
My acute hearing; your eventual tears.

HOBBIT: You know who’s really rich? He who is happy with what he has.
(At a signal from the King, a guard throws a pike at the Hobbit. He retreats, muttering.)

KING:

See, it’s better than death and better than fail
We have ourselves a mountain of kale
We’ve carefully converted our currency to gold,
That material you love to marry, have, and hold.

Gold! As a bed unsurpassed.
Gold! A full hoard at last!
All the gold we have to spare
Minus fees, taxes, duties, depreciation, and certain fees, but why care?
Tonight, you sleep on comfortable iron-hard sacks of yellow metal. That’s fair.

Take our gold and live long and well!
And we’ll keep our puny lives in this amusing hell.

You and I are sympatico, we jibe.
How’s that for a bribe, o Lizard King?

(End scene.)

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Dragon – Princess Debate

HOBBIT: Little did the Dragon know that THIS princess was prepared. She had made an extensive study of Dragon Lore! (Takes another pull at his drink, walks off.)

PRINCESS: For the record, I’m prepared. I’ve made an extensive study of Dragon lore.

DRAGON: You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s the most boring subject there is, other than the nightly reminders to pick our teeth in case anything inside is accidentally alive and might steal our treasure. You studied us? What a waste of your highly limited youth. The majority of beings on this windswept beach think you’re an idiot.

PRINCESS: There are only two of us.

DRAGON: Yes, but I outweigh you by eight tons. I am clearly the majority of sentient being here, and one fine piece of Dragonmeat, if I say so myself.

PRINCESS: Why don’t we resolve this in a civilized manner?

DRAGON: Murder?

PRINCESS: Conversation..

DRAGON: …has anyone ever told you what civilization IS?

PRINCESS: Eat me or listen to me. I don’t care at this point.

(The Dragon sweeps off his hat, which is impressive, as he isn’t wearing one.)

DRAGON: Go on.

PRINCESS:

Have you noticed my blood is as blue
As the noble firmament?
Bluer than aquamarine,
You could paint the whole sky with my life’s fluid
And still not nearly be spent.

DRAGON:

I haven’t noticed that for a reason quite simple
Your blood is as red as a pox-planted dimple
Your blood is the same as poor farmer Giles
Who, unlike you, has already run away several miles.

PRINCESS:

That may be so – but look at my frame
All other contenders should now leave the game
You could barely fit three of me into a sack
I’m sure I’ve got the blood you need to fight knights and fly back.

DRAGON:

Do they breed you for idiocy?
I’d have believe so, except (believe me)
If they were trying to fail, all your wise men
They’d fail at failing again and again.

You’re not skin and bones; your bones stretching skin
I’ll get no sustenance from something so thin.
This whole deal is traditional; and that’s all it is.
And when you’re a Dragon, you can’t leave the biz.

PRINCESS: Why not?

DRAGON: It would look bad.

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Dragon’s Blood: Sanguinary Pecuniousness

HOBBIT: Little did the Dragon know that THIS princess was prepared. She had made an extensive study of Dragon Lore! (Takes another pull at his drink, walks off.)

PRINCESS: For the record, I’m prepared. I’ve made an extensive study of Dragon lore.

DRAGON: You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s the most boring subject there is, other than the nightly reminders to pick our teeth in case anything inside is accidentally alive and might steal our treasure. You studied us? What a waste of your highly limited youth. The majority of beings on this windswept beach think you’re an idiot.

PRINCESS: There are only two of us.

DRAGON: Yes, but I outweigh you by eight tons. I am clearly the majority of sentient being here, and one fine piece of Dragonmeat, if I say so myself.

PRINCESS: Why don’t we resolve this in a civilized manner?

DRAGON: Murder?

PRINCESS: Conversation..

DRAGON: …has anyone ever told you what civilization IS?

PRINCESS: Eat me or listen to me. I don’t care at this point.

(The Dragon sweeps off his hat, which is impressive, as he isn’t wearing one.)

DRAGON: Go on.

PRINCESS:

Have you noticed my blood is as blue
As the noble firmament?
Bluer than aquamarine,
You could paint the whole sky with my life’s fluid
And still not nearly be spent.

DRAGON:

I haven’t noticed that for a reason quite simple
Your blood is as red as a pox-planted dimple
Your blood is the same as poor farmer Giles
Who, unlike you, has already run away several miles.

PRINCESS:

That may be so – but look at my frame
All other contenders should now leave the game
You could barely fit three of me into a sack
I’m sure I’ve got the blood you need to fight knights and fly back.

DRAGON:

Do they breed you for idiocy?
I’d have believe so, except (believe me)
If they were trying to fail, all your wise men
They’d fail at failing again and again.

You’re not skin and bones; your bones stretching skin
I’ll get no sustenance from something so thin.
This whole deal is traditional; and that’s all it is.
And when you’re a Dragon, you can’t leave the biz.

PRINCESS: Why not?

DRAGON: It would look bad.

PRINCESS: To the people whose monarchy you’ve destroyed?

DRAGON: Well, no. I mean, yes. I mean, what do I do if not what I know.

(The Princess smiles up at the thunder lizard.)

PRINCESS:

I’ve got an answer, mostly because
I’ve no desire to tear my dress up on your claws
Why restrict your pleasure? I sure won’t tell.
You are a Dragon, demonic and fell.

Why not eat what you choose, and drink very deep
And if some Dragon should observe and creep
You’ll be stronger by far, and can remove its throat
A nice touch that, a finishing note.

DRAGON:

You can’t kill Dragons! We’re nearly extinct!
Our actions and deaths are linked
No, I should eat you and be done
It won’t take long. Of you, there’s just one.

PRINCESS:

But what if the Princess, throughout the Realms
Have put on their tiaras and thinking helms
And knowing Dragons would come, made a plan.
Don’t slay us. Just end Man.

DRAGON:

I thought I was the serpent in this equation.

PRINCESS: You can’t be the Devil on short half-rations.

DRAGON: What must I do, then, Princess-Witch.

PRINCESS: First, let me teach you:
Blood makes you rich.

The post Dragon’s Blood: Sanguinary Pecuniousness appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

A Sacrificial Princess

Poor farmer Johnson; I’ve stolen his scarecrow
It’s a bit of a rare blow,
Since it’s not something I can be replacing.

But he’s out of sheep,
And his gardens weeds six-feet deep.
If he’s smart, he’ll run off like Hellhounds were chasing.

I estimate it’ll take the Dragon about one-minute thirty
To realize that I’ve done him a bit of dirty.
Then he’ll head to the castle spouting fumes.
Such are the idiotic situations which Fate looms.

My Father, the King made a cunning plan:
I’d be a dead Princess, he’d be a live man.
He’ll sleep on the couch ‘til his beard eats his face.

The Queen Mother wants me sound and safe.
So I can marry and breed and grow rusty and chafe.
Have I mentioned I’m not fond of this medieval-minded place?

But I skipped my every lesson in Astronomy
To study philosophy and demonology.
My brain’s grown a muscle; my skull barely fits.
Don’t fight fire with fire when you’ve no flame—just wits.

And it seems it’s time to get tied to the rock.
There’s a host of villagers—a herd? A flock?
Convinced that my death will change their luck.

They’re picking me up with a ragged cheer.
And I think that Hobbit drank all the beer.
I can predict what’ll happen next: It’s gonna suck.

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From my new Dragon musical

THE NARRATOR: “Big Folks Are Nimrods”

Once upon a time there was no once upon a time
Because even Time would not admit to hosting something quite so stupid.
And if you think that’s harsh, let’s lay a little bet between us;
I’ll bid a barrel of scrumple; what’ll you bid?

See there was a Kingdom (ain’t there always a Kingdom?)
And the point that rendered the thing dumb
Was the sheer force of denial
You live with Unicorns, Wizards, and Hobbits;
Believing in Dragons oughtn’t be some dire mental trial.

But nevertheless, the King made no plans, the Vizier schemed,
But not for this. The Knights said, “No sweat”, and bright their armor gleamed.
‘Till the whole thing was ruined by mile-high blood splatter
And if my narrative seems to scatter
Just wait ‘til we tell the story itself…

The Princes, a fair made, new Dragonlore,
And besides, she’d been on some rotten dates before.
The chains were promising, and might have been fun
But her suitor was a lizard who didn’t want none.

One day the Dragon came, as is Draconic wont,
Ate all the sheep, ‘til the peasants were gaunt,
And in an ancient alien voice, like ice scraping on ice,
The Dragon made demands, and they weren’t very nice.

A Princess of the Blood Royale
Would provide the beast its feast.
And that’s where we start the flood, my pal:
As the King prepares his daughter to be messily deceased.

Nothing works out as planned, and everything is doomed;
You’ll owe me more whiskey than can fit in this room, you ape.
And here we go!

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Innerspace

Innerspace, Innerspace

innerspace, innerspace, where have you gone?
this isn’t funny.
please come back.

I know we’ve had
our problems in the past
but I swear I’ll never screw around
with the basic nature of time and space
ever again
I’ll even write it on a blackboard:

“I will not get stinking drunk on a random Tuesday night and invent
a machine which destoys the essential fabric of the universe,
no matter how bad my day has been.”

Please come back.
please.
please.
please?

 

___

(An old Jeff Mach piece from, oh, 2002, I think.)

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The Perfectly Adequate Flood

Once, there was a flood which threatened to destroy all sense of narrative.

There was a brave Knight who went forth to battle it, only to return home in a terrible snit with a minor head cold.

There was a beautiful Princess who tied herself to a stone as sacrifice, only to (rather later) report, with some disgust, that rain didn’t actually have any interest in reading princesses.

A wise Wizard went to save then. He failed.

There was an impertinent prince who had been turned into a frog for his un-Princely behavior. And HE was just fine.

Life isn’t at all fair, sometimes.

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With A Crash (from Absinthe Heroes, the Steampunk Rock Opera)

MAYOR (As NARRATOR): And we enter an age of deeply improved miracles–not the
old and tarnished miracles of the antediluvian times, messy with spider gods and oft-devoured
moons; not those long-gone miracles of flaming flora and pillars of sodium and highly
unfortunate prophecy–rather, miracles wrought by the hands of advanced primate specie!
Miracles of cold black iron and sweating copper pistons. We enter, one sunrise from now, a
better time. It is the day before the great Air-Race, sponsored by the Mayor of Thamestown,
glorious capital of Grand Britain!
What wonder, ceaseless wonder, is upon us this day! All is glorious, and no ill could ever
come to such fresh, clean-living people. Truly we are at the zenith of the Great Chain of Being!
CHASTITY, ADASTRA, DR. ANTIKYTHERA, MAYOR:
“With A Crash, And A Bang, And Additional Crash!”
With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!
The future is upon us
It comes like a train
On tracks of mithril bright!
With a whir! and a click! and a hum! and a tick!
The better days arrive
We are harbingers
Of brightling delight!
MAYOR:
My proudest day approaches; my eyes hold gentle tears
And I bless the wonders of the Modern Age
It is the eve of Fair-Day, and I feel millennial
Long shall tomorrow leap from History’s page
We are a simple people; we are good and honest souls
Home from a hard day, tea brewing in the kettle
A little national fervor; it’s excellent for the health
And, of course, an air race, via anti-gravity metal!

With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!…
ADASTRA:
I’ve roasted half to cooking in the mighty Serengeti
Seen a Sultan’s hareem through a golden telescope
I’ve held my breath beneath a ship to try to spot the Kraken
Sniffed snuff made from the strangest Oriental dope
Now I’m off to fly an airship for the renown of my nation
Whose flag will proudly wave about my head
I know my role in life, and I’ll take the pale man’s burden
The people do need circuses, as much as they need bread
With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!…
CHASTITY:
I have a simple duty, and I make my simple way
With oscillation, motion, and refraction
With thermo-electricity, and the motion of the moon
And forays into chemical reaction
I have a certain theory, and I’ve put it into plan
Inside a gallant captain’s vessel grand
I’d say he’s sure to win – but nothing’s really sure
Few things ever go quite as dreamed, or planned
With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!…

DR. ANTIKYTHERA:
I’m just a simple and a humble chocolatier
An essentially trivial profession
I shall come armed with sweetmeats galore!
And give them away free to the procession
Once I was a scientist; but my calling true
Is making all the little children cheer
And I’m not the least bit sinister, nor strange in any way
If you’re seeking evil menace, I’m sure you won’t find it here.
With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!…

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