Joy Leftow's Blog, page 14

Loss and Bereavement - Tribute to Camille Vega-Willard

I recently heard my beloved friend, Camille Vega-Willard, passed away. Her husband Michael Willard wrote to let me know that Camille had passed away on August 4th and that he was "flying with her physical remains and sisters to let her join her mother and father in the family plot in Luquillo, Puerto Rico." Michael added, "Request good memories and positive energy to help her on her journey." As we age, it is inevitable that we will experience loss.

Here follow my good memories and thoughts about my dear beloved friend Camille.


I recall Camille fondly, nursing a bottle of fine and inexpensive red wine with her wit and intelligent banter, listening to her pontificate on a variety of subjects, listening to her short whispered insights and stories. Her lust for life and her love for Michael were evident in every word. She was fun to listen to too. She could discuss any subject with clarity and sensitivity. Camille knew how to use satire in her talk. She was very precise and short winded. Listening to her made me laugh and made me think. Camilla made me feel special, like my ramblings mattered.
I remember when we were in Columbia University together. I had a young child and Camille was very friendly. Camille convinced me to take a class on film with her. One day, my young son Joey, 7 years old at the time had no school and I had my movie class. The class was packed and Camille led me to in front of the front row of seats and we lay down to watch Fassbinder. Joey loved movies too. He ended with his head on Camille’s shoulder with her arm around him. After this, Joey loved Camille too. When I texted him that she’d passed, he came down and we commiserated several hours remembering Camille.  

I remember when Camille would do one-third the amount of work I did for a class and she’d pull an A and I’d pull a B or B+. She gave me her paper to study, telling me to say less and focus more. All of our professors loved her too. One came to weekly family dinners and it seemed like roles switched when his marriage was on the rocks and Camilla acted like his therapist.

I recall when she told me she’d met Michael. I asked how they got together. She told me that she’d been planning to go to Mexico to study a Gypsy community there and Michael protested that they’d just only met; he didn’t want her to go. Camille said she presented her solution: “Marry me and go with me to Mexico.” He did and they’d had a big adventure in Mexico.
Camilla was honest and forthright. You knew you could depend on her not to bullshit you. If you wanted the truth of what she thought, she’d give it to you straight. She wasn’t beyond offering coddling when needed either. Plus she was simply and deliciously beautiful, inside and out. Whoever knew Camille knew Camilla could make you feel special. Camille never tried hard to look sexy or pretty, she didn’t have to. She naturally had the most beautiful hair, the greatest skin, and she had va-va –voom!
Camille had many special talents. She made you feel like every utterance, every incantation, every word, was only meant for you and that your every utterance was just as meaningful. I remember how impressed I was when Camilla began exploring her more creative side with photography. Up till now I’d only seen her intellectual side. She even began producing her own photos in a dark room she designed and made with Michael’s help. Her photos were stories that began to develop into complex tales. She became very adept and I imagined her work in galleries. They were good, tasteful, and artsy.
I will achingly miss her. What I will hold dear in my memory is that Camille is a bright light who shined upon us in this world. I was blessed to have been included in part of her life.

True Love Longings

I’m beginning to thinkIt doesn’t existIt’s do or be done toEat or be eatenDo to surviveOr die inside tryingBe conqueror or conquered
I don’t want to play these rolesI want to drive my ownI want to survive, live and thriveHelp and be helpedLove and be lovedFeel intimacy tingle From toe to fingertip
Be alive with desireFeel it flow to and froIt can’t be perfect I knowStill want it nonethelessI want someone to love
Someone to love me

Keeping up with RJ

Hard times have fallenBut the sun will shine againIt’s going to be all right baby But I can’t say whenWell it’s hard times now But the sun will shine againDon’t know where I’m going, But it’s better than where I been
Phone rang this morning, Woke me out of bedA hand came through the receiver Shook me upside my headWell there’s hard times people, Getting worse every dayBad luck’s got hold of me, Every which way I turnShould sell my soul to the devil People say don’t talk that way
Hard times have fallen But the sun will shine againI'm a steady rolling womanI roll both night and dayBut I haven't got no sweet thing To roll along with meNo one to roll along with me
Makes me feel so lonesome, Can’t keep from crying, Can’t keep my eyes dryLosing love’s tough that way, Got to keep on struggling to get byNo time to worry if my life’s been in vain
Felix gone, left me behindBeen on my mind, left me quite blindLife and death entwinedI’m a steady rolling woman Staying on my grindHoping the stars stay aligned
Boarding that trainNot high on cocaineHolding off the pain, feigning delight, Got to slay these blues tonight
I'm a free rolling woman Heading down life’s highwayA steady rolling woman Standing at the crossroads Lost track of time, brain out of whackA turning tempo of timeExpecting the devil by & byWith his bag full of illusions Want to find out whyGot my eyes on the prize, Devil got his eyes on me
Lost love along the way Don’t know night from dayRolling along singing my songNot too lonesome to Write a poem in vain
Soul trains coming, Looking for a rideTo follow my dreamFollow them alongMy mind’s going for a ride tonightThe blues are on my soul tonight
Got to keep struggling, rolling alongA rolling stone gathers no moss, Fight those blues Trying to stay right
I’m a steady rolling woman Rolling to the crossroads Keeping time with my hand jive  Making up my mind Where I’m going this day in time



*  I wrote this song some time ago, way back in 2012, and somehow it never made its way here.  Of course it's for Robert Johnson. I own his complete collection and I love RJ. Everyone knows the story about how he went to the crossroads and the devil took his life. If not - look it up. Pretty fantastic stuff. 

Foster Peace In a World of Abuse

Propagate hope, knowledge widens the scope, Many see trickle down abuse encompassing earthCome see, you know whom I mean! They ~ the big they, you know who they are, They will not give us back this glorious great land. They fight for coin and silver.Slowly we go to slaughter, Like pigs, goats and cows, We kill ourselves in their sham.Forced to pay more than our share of taxes It’s only paper you know, No more gold in Fort Knox.
All the gold owned privatelyThey're in charge of our governmentSymbols lurk every place you seeSmall, insidious, devious concerns surround us, Controlled by society, daily news, TV, our jobs families, forget our conscienceOur desires prevent our seeingFacebook and twitter rule you can’t see Enough to spin your head, dizzy,
Can’t comprehend why FacebookWarns you not to add more friends, You can only add so many each nightIsn’t adding friends a boon to Facebook?Every day it becomes more difficult to understand the world I’m living in
They are not going to give our land back If we don’t fight for our rights, if we don’t take earth back from the usurpers who have stolen our planet, We can’t inherit the earth by common assent, agree our land is not sold for gold, this land is god’s gift, is not ours to give or buy, but to love and care for like we do our children …
This land is your land, This land is my land
From California to the New York island;
From the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream waters
This land was made for You and Me.

GOT THOSE HEEBIE JEEBIE BLUES FROM WAY DOWN YONDER IN NEW ORLEANS

I’ve got the all kinds of bugs blues, Got rid of bed bugsThen fleas got a hold of meGot all kinds of bug blues Either way I lose
Insects invade my house like Squatters who refuse to pay rentInvade my space from all anglesFruit flies fly into my eyes & ears, Fly around my computer screen
Fear drives me, makes me seeBedbugs aren’t the only parasites  More afraid of how we liveOur entire lives invaded consistentlySign petitions on the InternetFear instills me with those bedbug blues for sure
Stinkbugs threaten to enter, Cling to my 16th floor window screen Insects invade my heart & soulPosttraumatic stress syndrome sets inObsessed by the insect kingdom Imagined their numbers grew and grew Because all the all kind of bug blues
Bemusing I clench my fistCapture what first seems a Knat Inspecting it in my palm and transfer to a bottle,Can’t make heads or tails of it. Excuse the pun.
I visit the bug shop on the corner.Give my sample to the shop’s proprietor Ms. Young Lady declares she’s an expert, In her eyes, definitely not bedbugs-
I breathe a sigh of reliefShe affirms it’s a kind of mealy bug – whom eats food
I watch as stink bugs crawl through my windowClimb right in between the glass and screenAll the way up to the 16th floorI wonder how they do it
Why do they pick me?These Stinkbugs fly, buzz around my headHelp me get rid of them
Please explain, where do All these bugs are come from?

New song I wrote for Grandson, Oliver

Oliver loves this song and shakes his booty and claps when I sing.


Make Music
Going to dance with you all night tonightGoing to dance all nightDance all night,
Dance in bright moonlightDance until the stars shine brightDance all night till the moon goes high
And the stars shine brightGoing to dance all night with you
Dance until sunset Dance all night under shiny starlightGoing to dance with you till the sun shines brightDance and watch sunriseGoing to jam with you under starlight tonight babyDance like I’m in a trance
Dance the night away tonight babyDance the night away sweet nightHear you whisper my nameDance past midnight Dance till night turns to sunlight I want to dance the night away
Hold me tight in fading moonlightDance the night away with you Dance beneath bright white stars Dance the night away Shine bright like a star Dance night into day
I want to dance with you Until dawn arrivesI want to dance with you Until daylight arrive
I want to dance with youTill the sun shines brightYou’ll hold me in your arms Press my right hand to your heartAs we glide across the floorOh what a sight we’ll make
I want to dance with you in the pale moonlight Dance all night tonight babyI want to dance with youTill the stars don’t shineI want to dance with youTill the sun shines bright
Dance with you all through the night

Ancestry and other B.S.

Son's DNA kicked this process off and got my curiosity heightened.
I recently had my son's DNA tested out of curiosity. I followed his belief that after he was tested, I'd know what my DNA was too. This was not the case. After Joey was tested, we read the results eagerly. The tests gives estimates and basically there is a leeway of 5 to 10 percent.

35% to 39% European Jew. Hey no surprise there right? This includes all regions found in Germany, France, Lithuania, Latvia Slovakia, Czech Republic, Romania, Bosnia, Serbia and Estonia.

8% Benin/Togo African which includes Ghana, Nigeria, and Mali. I figured that's got to be his father. Joey's dad is Dominican. 1% Senegal, the Gambia, Mali, Mauritania, and Guinea-Bissau are included here.

3% North African including Morocco, Algeria, Egypt and Libya. Everyone I knew said, "Oh that's his Dad too.

Turns out he had about 10% Irish and English. Everyone thought that was me. I was like, no way - I'm not white like that.

A large 18% is Italian and Greece and 17% is Portugal and Spain.

3% from India.

Then there were traces of up to 3 percent each of Asia Central including Turkmenistan and Afghanistan DNA, 3% North American Indian DNA, plus Middle Eastern, formerly Persia, now known as Syria, Iraq, Jordan, Oman, Yemen, United Arab Emirates, Lebanon, Israel, Iran, Pakistan, and Saudi Arabia.

Now for my surprises!
Turns out I have no West European, English or Irish DNA.

No surprise either since Joey has 2 parents and he was 39% European Jew then that I'm 76% European Jew right?

I am 12% Italian and Greek. Primarily located in: Italy, Greece
Also found in: France, Switzerland, Portugal, Spain, Serbia, Hungary, Bulgaria, Austria, Croatia, Bosnia, Romania, Turkey, Slovenia, Algeria, Tunisia, Montenegro, Albania, Macedonia, and Kosovo.
2% India DNA labeled Asia South and this includes India, Pakistan, Nepal, Bhutan Bangladesh and Sri Lanka.


Some 2 to 3 percent of Asia Central including those regions Afghanistan, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Also found in: Iran, & Pakistan.
Some 2 percent Iberian Peninsula. Hmm, always thought I had some Sephardic blood and there we go, now a fact.

The 2 percent Middle Eastern (no surprise here) is me and may include his Dad too.

The 1 or 2 percent North African is also me, including DNA from the regions Morocco, Algeria, Egypt and Libya. I figure probably Jews I descended from were traveling Berbers there at some time.

Happy too that I was right that his Dominican Dad, Felix, was the one with the English and Irish DNA and that I knew right away I was the one who had South Asia DNA from India.

Yay! Now I know more about my history.

Did you know the Mormons will help you find out more about your ancestry for free. I plan to go once I'm up and around again.

Luckily for me, some of my father's people immigrated here from Eastern Europe in the 1890's having the foresight to see what was coming.

Other Upcoming News:
Now the partially bad news and good in another way. I am having hip replacement surgery at Columbia Presbyterian this coming Thursday, May 7th. I have been mostly disabled since ripping several ligaments and tendons from doing Pilates on the machine. I did 14 sessions between end of October 2014 and first week of January. Who knew Pilates could be so dangerous? Recently a friend told me she tried it and saw right away that you must have a very strong core and be strong to begin with to do Pilates.

At the New York Reforming Pilates center they encouraged me to do more and come more. I never realized the damage I was causing and thought the pain was caused by minor injuries like pulled muscles. By the time I realized the extent of the damage, it was too late and I could no longer walk. I continue to do the exercises taught to me in Physical Therapy but the right leg doesn't follow my brain's orders. You know how they say the leg's connected to the hip, but I never realized how much the hip controls the legs. At the Pilates center they make you sign a waiver too the minute you do anything there. I should have known better, but it also sounds like neglect on their part.

Most importantly, I ripped the Ligamentum Teres, which holds the hip joint in place. The Minimus Gluteus tendon also had partial tears as did many other things. The hip joint had some arthritis but 14 sessions of Pilates just did me in. I should have stuck with my yoga and when I am fully functionable again I will.

Song I wrote for Grandson Oliver

I sing this to Oliver, my grandson, and he loves it. I began singing it to him when he was a few months old. He is now almost a year old and still loves it.  

I once sang at an outside poetry/music festival and people liked it. 

I LOVE OLIVER


I love you in the morning I love you at nightI love you when you just wake upI love you when you’re crankyI love you as much as key lime pieI love you all the time
Love you in the morning Love you at midnightLove you when you’re bright and sunshinyLove you when you’re crankyLove you all the time
Love you in rain. Love you in sunshine. Love your smile Love to witness your delight.You’re all right with meEven when you’re wrongYou’re all right with meI love you all the time.
Right back where we started from
I love you in the morning I love you at nightI love you when you wake youI love you when you fall asleep I love you when you cry I love you all the time
I love you in stormy weather, I love when we’re togetherI love you everywhereMy love for you defines meYou’re totally divine!You’re the sunshine of my life
I love you in bright times I love you in sadIt’s always understood Loving you makes bad times goodI wish you endless possibilities Love you open opportunities

I love you in the morning, I love you at nightI love you all the time

American Train Trip

Sitting on an Amtrak train heading back to NYCPass through Mystic, Connecticut Quaint country houses, a huge river Big bridge with bright lightsFeel like a character in a movieThe guy at the table across talks rapid fire on his cellAbout Jack Black who was supposed to Hit up the presentation today and how in spite ofJack having that high six figure salaryHe's got no experience at this jobHow he had to take Jack Black's place And do what Jack Black should have donePatricia is supposed to be his boss But he has to tell her what to do“It's like a marriage,” he proclaimsThe train conductor announces Arriving at New Haven, Connecticut in 2 minutesFellow passenger’s cross conversation and my movie endInspired I search for my pen and remember Mariel asked to borrow it and didn’t return itI pull my luggage from the corner Ransack roughly through my clothes 
Find my iPad, pull it out and write this poem instead

All Sentient Beings Count

Every year 10 billion animals, cows, pigs and chickens are slaughtered for food.  Every single second 300 animals are killed for consumption in the USA. Snap your fingers, yes in that time, 300 animals are killed. That is 18,000 every minute, which adds to 1,080,000 every hour, animals that suffer from birth to death in warehouses. Many people behave as though animals have no feelings. Animals love their young, and suffer. Pigs are smarter than dogs. 

Here in the USA our farm animals are treated extremely cruelly from the day they are born till their slaughter. Baby pigs and cows have their testicles cut off with rusty scissors and are given nothing for pain. When infections follow they go untreated and animals die. Cows horns are removed cruelly by sawing them down or chopping. Cows are artificially inseminated and not permitted to graze and forced to eat foods they are unable to digest. Cows, pigs, goats and chickens are not allowed to walk, feel the sun or graze.
We can talk about repercussions of factory farming or intensive animal farming industry although it is clear not everyone agrees because they want to continue eating meat. Sometimes it is because they don’t have knowledge or facts, some people enjoy the taste and others eat because it’s cheaper to buy a dollar deal from Burger King or McDonalds than to have salad, rice & beans, (rice & beans is an entire wholesome protein by itself) cooked vegetables. Very few people care to consider the horrible conditions farm factory farm animals are exposed to.
How many people think about chickens piled body upon body in cages where they die, bodies, wings and feathers squashed and dried on the cage bars. Cows cannot digest corn or grains, but cows are forced to eat GMO corn Cows cannot digest the GMO corn they are forced to eat because their stomachs are made to eat grasses.. Some farmers have ground up the newborn calves and feed them to the mother cows. Cows are naturally vegetable eating species. All animals are forced to survive standing and living in their own excrement. When workers come and clean they get angry and upset having to shovel literally through feet deep shit and piss. Can you imagine the smell?
Because our animals are confined in small spaces where movement is inhibited, they live in such filth they need antibiotics just to survive. Then they are forced to consume hormones to grow. Farm animals experience fear and pain and very little else. Cows are impregnated through artificial insemination. If this were done to a woman they’d call it rape. Their babies are taken from them and birth because the female cows are only impregnated to make milk. If the baby calves survive, workers pick them up by their hind legs and bang their heads against the cement floor, sometimes in full view of their mother, to kill them. We live like we are in a third world country too where only money has a say. Factory farm animals never get to see the sun, are not permitted to graze, to walk or run. They are not permitted to enjoy their short lives and then the only thing to set them free from their pain and abuse, is their slaughter, often performed cruelly too. Animals are often hit with hammers in their head but are still conscious and machines meant to do the workmen used to do, often miss their mark. There is a reason why Muslims and Jews use a sharp knife to the throat to kill animals for consumption.
Thinking about this same animal as a form of your nutriment and diet, realize that hours standing in excrement and urine will enter the bloodstream of the animal forced to live that way. After birth, piglets are separated from their mothers. Kept immovable between bars is how these pigs live.
We cry about dogs in China, Korea, and other countries while meanwhile we treat our animals the same. I had a pet chicken given to me when very small and that chick followed me all day for months until I left the farm where I’d been living. All animals are sentient beings have feelings. We need to clean up our own back yard before complaining about the world. Our farm animals also watch in fear as others are slaughtered and mistreated.
I am tired of all the killing and cruelty in the world; from farm animals in factory farms who only get to live 2 years the most if they’re lucky to dogs in east Asia. Cows and pigs can live 15 to 25 years if allowed. All of these animals are mercilessly beaten and treated. Why do humans need to eat cows and pigs? And if they must eat them do they really need to eat so much? Do you really look at a pig and baby sow and say wow yummy?
Calves here are killed at birth for the milk industry and they call that veal. They are not permitted to suckle and are taken from their mothers as soon as they are born. Then there's the force fed ducks. It is all too disgusting and I'm tired of all the cruelty. Man's inhumanity to man and animals is disgusting and we need to be ashamed - since we are supposed to be the "highest species.” Pigs are smarter than dogs. Why don't more people care?
Fine - eat your meat – and consider the effect on health. How much mean protein do you think you should consume to maintain good health? How much do you need? Do you want to know the truth about factory farms? Do you want to know scientifically how the animals treated like this effect your health; examine the abuse and treatment of the animals killed for consumption? Eating the meat of an animal abused its entire life, flooded with adrenaline and fear, and force-fed indigestible foods, hormones and antibiotics cannot be good for your health. Animals are forced to consume the antibiotics and hormones to permit them to grow and survive in the filth the factory farm animals are forced to live in. 
Our children living near by factory farms get cancer caused by contaminating ground water. Imagine our outcry if we no longer processed human waste, like Typhoid Mary all over again, only this time it’s caused by waste from concentrated animal feeding operations instead of human waste.  Big money is slowly killing us but we turn a blind eye. March willingly to our demise, like another Adolf Hitler. We assist in earth’s destruction, contribute to the consistent abuse; make the poor more poor, while we all die from cancer. Struggle over pennies rule us and soon with all the runoff waste and fracking, we won’t have an earth to sustain us.
Groundwater contamination from feces from eight billion chickens slaughtered yearly to satisfy the human race. Bones so weak they can’t stand because they never see the light of day, force-fed antibiotics because they live in such filth, so the antibiotic causes a growth spurt. Poison the ground so even us vegetarians and vegans are no longer safe. Tyson escapes pollution regulations through loopholes. How many of you can afford to eat organic food?
Middle class Americans under attack, our country isn’t what it’s meant to be.  We need to take our lives back. Give small farmers back their share and let them care for animals meant to be human food. Let animals graze and see the sun the way they’re supposed to. Agriculture should require waste treatment centers for animals waste just like for human waste. That is how they farm in Europe where they have already outlawed factory-farming practices for being unsafe, unsanitary, unhealthy for consumption, plus creating groundwater contamination. We are led like we wear blinders and rarely do we see the truth, similar to the movie, The Matrix. Were we permitted actual reporting instead of the news we see on TV, our eyes would open. The world is overcrowded and people refuse change. It's ok - another 5 million years will rid the earth of us.
The minute I heard about the dead bear cub about 6 months old found under a bush in Central Park I said, “This bear cub was kept as a pet and abused.” Instead all of the initial reports said the cub’s injuries show he was run over. Over 10 days later it is reported there are slash and stab wounds.
Animals have no voice. My heart can’t turn off the pain so I beg for mercy for them. Please stop the trickle down abuse. My voice is lost on the 1 percent. I turn to you and cry “Mercy for the planet!”
Please pledge to love our earth. Before it’s too late to reverse the devastation and we’ve all been sent to damnation, let’s escape this trickle down abuse Matrix. Let’s join instead to spread the love, create a world where there truly is a greater good for all men together, where every man supports for his brother and sister, a peaceful world where future generations can survive. For those of you who choose to eat meat, buy from small farms where animals are permitted to graze and well treated. Many farmers are now turning to new ways by blocking off tracts of land in a grazing circle; animals are permitted grazing year round. Farmers save money on hay and the animals are happy being moved to a fresh grazing area daily. 
A righteous man regards the life of animals – Proverbs 12:10
If you have men who will exclude any of God’s creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men. - St Francis of Assisi
Never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the well being of a person or animal is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our sould when we look the other way. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
I hope to make people realize how totally helpless animals are, how dependent on us, trusting as a child must that we will be kind and take care of their needs… (They) are an obligation put on us, a responsibility we have no rights to neglect, nor to violate by cruelty … - James Harriot

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated – Mahatma Gandhi