Rachel McGrath's Blog

A Different Storm

It’s been a few years since we last connected, I realise that. A lot has happened in that time. My fertility journey was closed, as I become a ‘one and done’ mum in 2016. After everything I went through, I just couldn’t repeat it all again. I couldn’t risk my own health, or the attention away from my amazing miracle rainbow. I finally got what I always wanted… Motherhood!

I know many are still waiting for that one chance, and so I’m always incredibly grateful for our happy, healthy little boy. At the same time, I am also conscious of not overtly making others feel upset or anxious, as they may still be on that difficult journey to try to conceive or carry a baby to term. It’s a difficult one for sure.

However, as I look back on this year (2020), the events that we have experienced have made me reflect on everything and we are ALL dealing. My biggest wonder is how people are coping? What helps us and what makes us anxious. No one truly knows how long we will be in the middle of this Covid Storm, but like I tell my friends and my colleagues – we are in the same storm, just different boats. Different countries, even counties, or whether you have children or pets or living alone, we are all going through our own set of emotions and experiences.

Writing has always been cathartic for me, and my way of expressing my own thoughts, feelings and even my anxieties. This blog doesn’t feel like it is the right place to do that as the topic and content doesn’t fit. So I created a new site embracingthisstorm.com. A theme around storms and rainbows I know, but it’s all relevant, and certainly provides the right platform for my writing.

I would love you to connect with me on this site, and even subscribe to hear regular updates, things to do and tips on how I’m coping through lockdown and beyond.

Big Love to you all … Rachel xx

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The post A Different Storm appeared first on Finding the Rainbow.

Believe in Yourself – No Judgement Necessary!

Before becoming a mum, I had often heard about this thing called parental judgment which is often imposed on new Mums. I perhaps shrugged it off, not fully understanding. However, having now experienced such judgement, I now truly understand the impact it has.

The scary thing is that this judgment does not only come from other mothers. I have experienced loaded questions, opinions and sometimes unwelcome advice from those who have no desire to become a mum as well.

It’s literally everywhere…

My son is now twelve months old! Can you believe that? Where does time go?

I am not a perfect mum. I don’t make perfect choices. Nonetheless, my son is my world and I love being his Mum more than life itself. For me to be the best Mum I can be, I need to be true to myself, and so I have to balance motherhood with the person I was before I became a mum. That is important to me!

What does that mean? I enjoy motherhood, and I enjoy my life outside of being a mum – my career, my friends and of course, my relationship with my husband! Yes, things have changed since our son arrived and our priorities are different. However, for me it is about finding the right balance.

I knew even before starting our journey towards parenthood, that I could never be a full time, stay at home mum.  This was my personal choice, and every mum has different priorities and family situations.  We all have to make our own choices based on what is right for us. Whether it’s full time or part time work; alternative options like home working; or even not working at all; the only person that matters is your family – it really is no one else’s business.

Yet, despite my decision, I still get loaded questions about my choices. ‘How do you cope?’ ‘Aren’t you exhausted?’ ‘Don’t you feel guilty?’ ‘Why have a baby?’  ‘Aren’t you missing out?’

There are so many more, I could go on all day. It makes me smile to myself; there is no right answer, and until you live in my shoes you won’t truly understand.

I’m sure the stay-at-home mum gets their own judgment too! No one is perfect. Either way it is a tough gig, and we all do it our way. In the eyes of those judging, we Mums can do no right.. no matter what.

At the end of the day, I love being a mum. I wanted my son with every ounce of my heart and more. However, my choice was to go back to work, and focus on balancing my priorities. I knew that I would become a better mum for being completely true to myself.

So, what I want to say to all those new Mums out there; those who have struggled to become a mum, or those who feel ‘guilty’ because of other’s impositions. Know that your choice is your choice. You are the best mum you can be. Your child/children, will love you no matter what. Walk away from the loaded questions and the judgement, it’s not worth even giving them airspace.

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Live and Dream

I haven’t posted for a while… A lot has been going on in my world. I have an almost ten-month-old baby boy, I returned to full-time work three months ago, and so juggling motherhood and work have been a little tougher than I expected. As well, my father has continued to fight his battle against cancer, until last Sunday. So whilst I have a lot going on in my head, I’ve literally had no time to sit and write it down. But I’m still here!

I remember when he was diagnosed with cancer, and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. He fought against his disease, and I prayed hard that this time my pregnancy would last. My father defied the odds given to him on his diagnosis and I defied my specialist who advised that I may not ever be able to carry a baby to full term. When Dad passed away last Sunday, we had a short conversation just ten minutes before. He was still in good spirits and telling me he was ‘great, on top of the world’. His positivity was always inspiring.

What the last few months have taught me is that life goes too quickly. I watch my little boy grow and develop before my eyes, and he is now a toddler, no longer a wee baby. As I attended my Dad’s funeral, I was in awe of the people who came to show their respects, and the love that they shared for him. He was a kind and gentle man, who wanted nothing more in his life than to have a loving family. He achieved that goal, and seeing the crowd at his ceremony I realised that his family extended far beyond the blood relatives sitting in the front row. As simple as his goals may seem, my father sought to embrace everyone who entered his life and he made no judgments or exclusions. He was known as the ‘gentle giant’, a tall, large man who wouldn’t hurt a flea. Although he did hate spiders… He always taught us respect, honour and integrity – and if I can take anything from him, it is to love and accept differences, no matter what, and that family are everything.

Now he leaves this legacy to his children and his grandchildren. A legacy that says we must live our lives and follow our dreams. Whatever we aspire for in life, no matter how big or small, it is our dream to follow, and we should do so with every ounce of our heart. Don’t stop, always fight for those dreams and never let go.

Rest in Peace Dad, you are no longer in pain, and you fought hard. You were able to meet my baby boy, and hold him, and that I will forever be grateful for. Watch over us and in time we will meet again.

 

In remembrance of my Dad, Casey Giezen (9 December 1950 – 28 May 2017)

 

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A Mother’s Day to Remember

It feels strange this year as Mother’s Day approaches and I will be celebrating my first seven months as a mum. For years now this was all I’ve ever wanted, and the significance of my journey leading up to this day. The day is not about flowers, perfume or any other gifts; it is about finally celebrating my journey to become a parent, enjoying the day as a family and taking stock of just how fortunate I am.

I am fortunate; I remind myself of that every single day and I am continually in awe of my baby boy. The sad fact is that many couples will never get this opportunity. Infertility is still something that many are struggling against with no real answers and only heartbreak and loss. Those four little angels of mine that will never be, are joined with millions of other angels all around the world. For many, Mother’s Day is a reminder of what cannot be, and the never-ending struggle that so many women are facing against their own bodies.

Motherhood is a gift, and it saddens me that there are some that take it for granted. Having fought so hard for my baby boy, I can now relax, but I will never forget the journey I took to reach this destination.

For me, this first Mother’s Day as a mother, I will celebrate my family and the gift I have been bestowed; but I will also say a prayer for those women who have not or cannot bear children of their own. I will also send my wishes and good health for the expectant mums who are excited but perhaps nervous about their pregnancy journey and the safe arrival of their new-born babies, and will continue to hope that more research and development will be supported to help understand infertility and its causes.

I still carry the heartbreak and memories of my infertility struggles, and so I know all too well the feeling of loss and emptiness on this day when you long to have a child of your own. I therefore encourage all of us to remember that Mother’s Day will have a different meaning to many women around the world, and that not every woman will be celebrating this Sunday.

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Embracing the Storm

It’s done; I’ve finally completed my follow up memoir, and I feel so grateful and nervous all at the same time. This was my story, my journey, my fight through a cloud of uncertainty and grief, to search for the beauty of the rainbow.

Throughout it all, I kept a journal, capturing all of my experiences, my feelings and sometimes my insanity. It was cathartic and it helped me through some of the darkest moments. My first story was published – Finding the Rainbow – but sadly it didn’t end with the rainbow I had searched for. At the end of that story, I had experienced four losses and many setbacks, but I still had hope. This story – Embracing the Storm – follows on from ‘Finding the Rainbow’, capturing further obstacles and my relentless quest to become a mother.

Throughout it all, I discovered a lot about myself. I found out how strong I could be, despite the challenges we faced, and I was encouraged by the love and support we received from family, friends and the people I have met along this journey (either via my blog or readers of my memoir).

This journey never really ends for any of us. The damage and destruction from the storm will always remain a memory, and whilst I have been fortunate to reach my rainbow, I am aware many are still fighting their own storm. I continue to strongly advocate for those who are fighting against their infertility, and I hope I can offer an empathetic ear should anyone need support or comfort on their own quest.

Where to from here? The next chapter for me is exciting as I launch my memoir, and I celebrate in the joys of motherhood. I can now only hope that I will be the best mother I can be!

 “If you do not have hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.” St Clement of Alexandra

EMBRACING THE STORM is available on AMAZON now to purchase.

 

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My Christmas Wish

It was twelve months ago exactly that my world completely changed. Twelve months today I took that test – the test – that has given me my long awaited baby boy!

I remember that day so clearly, like it was just yesterday. On a whim I decided to ‘pee on a stick’, cynically telling myself I was being silly. We had stopped ‘consciously trying’. I say consciously because no infertile couple really ever stops trying. However, as a couple, we had come to the conclusion that it most likely wasn’t going to happen for us, and so we had taken our foot off the pedal.

 

When that stick flashed up with a positive result, I thought my heart would stop, and I remember my husband’s reaction when I showed him the result. “How? What? How?” His wide eyes just looked at me, a few days before Christmas, as he registered what it meant.

 

Our special Christmas surprise!

 

However, we didn’t pin our hopes on a happy ending at the time, and given our history we tried to remain realistic but we were still hopeful of what might be.

 

We did have a very rocky start, which exacerbated our fears of the past repeating itself. However, as each week progressed, and milestones were reached, our confidence started lifting – perhaps the little fighter growing inside my belly might just be…

 

Today, I couldn’t be happier, as I prepare to celebrate our first Christmas together as a family. If anything, the past twelve months have shown me that we should never lose hope. Infertility can be a real bitch, many couples are still fighting the battle, and I feel for them, as it is a hard, uphill journey that often has zero rewards.

So this Christmas I have only one wish. I wish for the same ‘Christmas Surprise’ to be bestowed on another deserving couple. Or more, I hope that the Christmas season brings many surprises for those fighting the infertility battle.

 

Never give up. Remain hopeful. But most of all, be kind to yourself!

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One and Done?

“So when are you starting on number two?”

Yes really, I am already being asked that question. My son is just under four months old, and already I’ve encountered the rush to add another sibling to our new family of three.

My response… “You have heard about my struggles with fertility right? You know I wrote a book about it?”

Now don’t get me wrong. These well intentioned questions are merely looking at my age (I’ve just turned forty) and the fact that I’ve clearly taken five years to conceive and birth a healthy new born. But seriously?

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to offer my son a sibling, but the entire process of getting pregnant and being pregnant puts an immediate fear into my heart that I cannot even fathom or want to enter into again.

 

For the very first time in five years I feel free! Free from ovulation cycles, dates, symptoms, pregnancy tests and disappointment. I’m also free from the worry, anxiety and stress that came with pregnancy. Yes you heard me. Even though this pregnancy, my fifth, was successful, I spent every single day worrying about the baby growing inside me. In fact, it wasn’t until my son was handed to me in the flesh that I could even believe that the pregnancy would succeed. I’m sure that this anxiety and stress was caused by my earlier struggles with infertility and pregnancy loss. So why would I want to rush into all of that again?

It’s almost liberating to not go through each day with the on going mind-mess that is trying to conceive or pregnancy itself. For me, personally, it became far too all-consuming. I’m now enjoying being a first time mum, and for the first time in years, I feel relaxed! I love my son and I’m happy with my family today.

The fact that I am forty is also a factor. Time, as it progresses, is making any decision even more difficult. I wouldn’t and couldn’t even start to think about another pregnancy right now. I want to enjoy my son, and his early years. If I were to give myself the gap I’d always envisioned of about two or three years between children, that would make the odds of miscarriage, disabilities or worse even greater. I would be heading towards my mid forties.

The question arises, what if it takes me another four years and a bundle of miscarriages to offer my son a sibling? Is it worth all that anxiety once again? What would that do to the relationship I hope to have with my young son?

 

So what is the answer?

One and done?

More than that, there should be no pressure, no questions, just acceptance that I bore a miracle baby boy. A baby I never thought would actually come to fruition. My husband and I had begun to conclude that our lives might never involve children. To have one son is a blessing and a miracle. For now he is all that we need! No ifs, buts or maybes. We are complete! We are a family. This was all I had ever hoped for.

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The New Eve Fertility Method

I recently had the privilege to read Bridget Osho’s New Eve Fertility Method prior to it’s release. Bridget is a strong advocate for women who have experienced the loss of miscarriage and stillbirth to channel the strength of their body and mind to conquer their infertility. Even more amazing, Bridget asked me to write the foreword for her new release.

Bridget doesn’t give you a miracle cure, but she does offer some truly valuable insights and advice to support women experiencing obstacles on their pregnancy journey.

The New Eve Fertility Method is available now on Amazon.

* * *  

I understand how frustrating it can be when your body is fighting against your need to become a mother. I never expected that having a healthy baby would be so heart-wrenchingly difficult. In fact, like many women; I had organised the timing of getting pregnant to fit around my lifestyle, fully anticipating that motherhood would fit into my well-planned future. Well I was mistaken.

 

Over a five-year period, I fell pregnant five times. The first four resulted in the heart-breaking loss of miscarriage. For a long time, we had no answers and I went through a tirade of emotions – grief, frustration, anger, jealousy, fear, pain and many more. I questioned everything I was doing and all of our decisions around starting a family. As a female we are designed to procreate, and yet my body was failing me. My age was the overriding factor, but much of the diagnosis around my infertility also remained an unknown.

 

I longed to become a mother, and as time progressed I became obsessed with ovulation, testing, timing and any tactics that could quickly increase my chances of a successful pregnancy. I soon learned, that we cannot control this process it was important to first understand myself, and my body.

 

We were fortunate; after trying for so long, and wishing very hard, we fell pregnant, naturally, and we were blessed with a beautiful baby rainbow boy.

 

Through all of the obstacles we faced, I had always remained hopeful. I was determined to reach my rainbow, become a mother and conquer my infertility. Through everything, my relationship with my husband was paramount, and more than that, I had to believe in myself, defining my own strength to keep fighting and never giving up.

 

Whilst every woman’s story is different, and not everything in life is clearly defined, I truly believe in the power and strength of belief and hope. Whist sometimes infertility feels a isolating and lonely place, we are not alone on this journey. If anything, this experience has made me stronger. I am eternally grateful and feel blessed to finally have my rainbow baby.

 

Bridget Osho’s, The New Eve Fertility Method an insightful, supportive and powerful read for any woman who is struggling with their infertility. The power of the body and the mind should never be underestimated, and Bridget speaks with knowledge, understanding and empathy. In this book, her guidance is focused purely on the factors we can control, harnessing the power of Mother Nature and understanding your body and its basic needs.

 

I truly wish every woman who wants to be a mother the blessing of motherhood. Believe in yourself, stay ever hopeful and remain strong for yourself and your future family.

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The Rainbow Connection

Somebody pinch me!

 

I’m sitting here at almost midnight with my newborn son who is squirming beside me. He is almost four weeks old, and yet it still feels so surreal that I am his mother. I’m so in awe of this little human and the man he will one day become.

 

It was certainly a journey to get to this place, and every day as I watch him and get to know him, I am thankful to be here. Motherhood is tough, it is what I had expected, and there are times where I’m certainly out of my depth. Nonetheless, I made it here, and whilst I will always have the scars of yesterday, I’ve been given the opportunity of a brightly coloured tomorrow.

 

Many have followed my journey of infertility, my challenges in trying to conceive and carry a baby, and even the hurdles and anxieties that I faced during my pregnancy. Yet now, as I watch my little man, I wonder how I could have been so blessed to produce such a miracle. He is just perfect!

 

So what happens now? My body returns to normal – hopefully. My focus now, is on motherhood, and becoming the best caregiver and role model I can be to the little man that is gurgling in front of me. Everything that I do will now shape this little human to be the person he will one day grow to be. It’s an immense responsibility and I certainly don’t take that lightly!

 

What I know for sure right now, is that all that anxiety, angst and frustration have brought me here today, as I finally hold my beautiful rainbow baby. This was my ultimate dream all along, and what I had fought so hard for.

 

I have to believe that someday we will all find the Rainbow Connection… and that wishes do come true.

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Without the Rain there is no Rainbow

We never forget the storm, but it is the rainbow of hope that promises a new tomorrow.

 

This month is quite a significant month for me. It marks four years since we started our conception journey. Albeit I am appreciative, as many have travelled much longer, some are still on their journey.

 

I also turn forty this month, which marks a new decade in my own life milestones.

 

Lastly, I will meet my much anticipated rainbow baby tomorrow!

 

This beautiful baby we have yearned for; he is our destiny and our hope for a new tomorrow. The anticipation of this moment makes it difficult to relax and sleep. As I feel him move inside my belly, I wonder what he will look like, I worry about the birth and I yearn to hold him in my arms. It is merely hours away now; not days, weeks or months. I just can’t begin to describe my excitement.

 

Women have babies every day, and yet for me, and many other women, it was something that was never a given. Human beings are designed to procreate; it is the primary law of nature. So why do so many women struggle? Why should we have to go through this fight against our own bodies? I know well that feeling when your body is betraying the most basic of expectations, the uncertainty of what the future may look like without children, and the frustration and helplessness that there may be nothing you can do about it.

 

I am incredibly fortunate, but my story doesn’t end here. When my baby finally does arrive tomorrow, I will love and cherish him as any mother would. Yet, I can never forget the damage that the storm has left behind, and I will always advocate and support others who are experiencing their own fertility challenges. I cannot fix but I can understand.

 

To all my followers who have lived with me through this journey, I thank you with all of my heart. Your strength and support has seen me through the hardest moments. To those who are still on their journey, I hope I can be that strength for you, when you need it most.

 

#FindingtheRainbow

 

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