Rachel McGrath's Blog, page 6

Living a Child’full’ life – the ‘Ever Upward’ Story

This weekend I read ‘Ever Upward’ by Justine Brooks Froelker, a woman has bravely suffered the pain of infertility.

Justine’s own story is different to mine, yet much of what she writes resonated closely with the feelings and emotions I had experienced. At times I felt she was truly talking to me as she captures the pain and misfortune associated with her own quest to be a mother.  Each woman who is dealing with fertility struggles has their own unique story. In essence, this book shows that we are not so different, and like Justine, we need to redefine our destiny to focus on finding a rich life with or without children.

 

Justine’s story also enlightened me through the process of IVF and surrogacy, options I may need to consider if I want to continue my own pursuit of a family. Reading the first few chapters helped me prepare my own emotions and thinking towards these paths. I agree wholeheartedly with fears Justine portrays about the myriad of hormone treatments and medical procedures that form a part of IVF. Following our own losses, we have had many suggest IVF or even adoption as our ‘next step’ in this journey, assuming that these options will quickly lead us to our ‘rainbow baby’. Justine quite aptly highlights the stress, trauma, costs and physical impacts of IVF, and similarly with adoption, she rightly states that nothing is ever guaranteed, and it is certainly not a straightforward process. Both have their own unique challenges, and are not decisions to be taken lightly as a couple.

 

Like Justine, my biggest priority is the relationship between my husband and myself, and we have remained strong so far, but we need to continue to focus on our strength as a couple. Whether we do decide to pursue these options, they would be considered for all the risks and factors involved. One of my favourite chapters was ‘reigniting the spark’. Whilst I feel both my husband and I have continued to prioritise our relationship through our journey so far, the process has taken its toll at times. So we are taking a leaf from Justine’s book, and capturing unique and exciting date ideas, and each month we will surprise each other to create our own ‘year of dating’. After all, we deserve to invest in time out, just for us!

 

What I loved about Justine’s story was that she tells the reader how it was important to focus on her self, and feeling okay about being a childless couple. She owns being a family with her husband and dogs, something I have started to reconcile for myself. Whilst many still question us, I am accepting that it is okay to have a lifestyle that doesn’t involve children of my own. I found comfort in Justine’s own journey, and it enabled me to picture how our lives will be fulfilled regardless of the direction it takes.

 

In any effect, it comforted me and relaxed me to hear how Justine has approached her options, and knowing that I am still in the midst of my journey in trying to conceive, it potentially relieved a little of the pressure I’m placing on my own situation.

 

Justine, I hope to live by your own words: ‘ever upward to dare greatly with great courage’. Thank you!

 

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How to kill a conversation…

There is a certain kind of awkwardness that sometimes arises in conversations when asked whether I have children – a family. ‘I am married’, is my standard response, hoping this closes off further enquiry. Nonetheless, many will continue to probe, asking: ‘kids?’

Of course there is nothing truly intrusive with this question. A simple ‘no’ and moving onto a new topic is often the most natural route for such conversations. Some do take the hint, and carry forth with a different subject, realising that perhaps this is not something I wish to discuss further.

Others however follow the conversation with persistence.   Perhaps it is curiosity, or even misreading the signals; whichever, the subject stays focused as I am further questioned, ‘any plans to start a family?’  There is no option to divert now, and as I hesitate in response, as I see the conversation starting to fail.

Should I just be honest? Or do I say what most want to hear? Help the conversation get back to a comfortable stance?

Of course I want kids and would love to plan for them. However, at this point in my life, I’m starting to accept that it may never be my reality. The problem is that I haven’t truly accepted this fate myself. Yes, I’m still hopeful.

I also have to be realistic, and this particular subject consistently circles around my consciousness. Nevertheless, it is not my intention to bring others into my own inner turmoil, and starting a conversation around infertility and experiences with miscarriage just makes everyone uncomfortable, right?

Uncomfortable because it’s something we still don’t fully understand, and of course because it is a dream I may never fulfil.

Maybe I am the awkward one, and perhaps it is my own feelings of discomfort with my personal situation that creates this unease? To be completely truthful, I don’t know what to say when some ask me these questions. My answer is that I have always ‘planned for kids’ but those plans went astray with four miscarriages and now problems with my cycle returning to normal. The fact is I cannot get pregnant today, and it is likely that I will struggle to carry and retain a pregnancy to full term.

Now that’s a conversation killer!

 

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Stopping the Race

This week has been a little rougher than most, testing my fragility and my ultimate quest to be optimistic. It made me reflect on how I feel about my own situation and my strength to keep going. As a women struggling with fertility, I have moments where I struggle to breathe with the thought that my quest to become a mother may never be fulfilled.

Nonetheless the week is almost done, the sun is coming out, and I’m still determined to stay away from that dark cloud that frequently haunts me.

It is ok to be sad sometimes…

Sometimes we need to take time out for our emotions, allow ourselves to heal. There are moments where I need time and space to reflect on what life has dealt, no matter how much I try to put a brave face on or smile with the masses. What is important is how I pick myself up and get myself through the ‘sadness’. The world is full of possibilities and new ways of dealing with setbacks; I just need to find an alternative route.

There is always a way through the cloud…

It may not be the outcome I had originally dreamed of, but there are endless possibilities, and so many alternative options; I just need to be prepared to start again. It seems at times that everyone around me is at that penultimate finish line – they have had successful pregnancies, babies, multiple babies – and me, I’m still running, left behind, and that finish line seems further away with each step forward. Then I ask myself, why am I running?

There is no race to be won here…

This is not a competition and I am only running against my own expectations. So now it’s time to catch a breath, slow the pace and refocus my energy towards that end goal. . I remind myself of what is important to me – myself, my sanity, my relationship and my friends.   The finish line is there in front of me, I’m just running a little further than I had expected.

 

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Defying my Limitations

Many women and men are facing infertility every day. In fact Resolve (the National Infertility Organisation) quote that 7.4 million women (11.9%) have received fertility treatments, and that 1 in 8 couples in the US have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy.

So, essentially there are women all around us facing daily roadblocks, hurdles and obstacles and potentially being told that their chances of motherhood are limited. Sadly, some may need to consider other options aside from conceiving their own child. All these women also include me.

It’s difficult to feel like you’re just a statistic. It’s even more difficult to picture a future where potentially you may not get the child you’ve always dreamed of – your own biological child. Whilst I am confident that if faced with a future of alternative options, I will always be a devoted and loving mother. Any child that I am lucky to be charged with will be my own precious baby.

Nonetheless, I still wonder what it might be like to carry a child to full term. The joys and woes of pregnancy, that anxiety and fear of facing labour, and that the first time the midwife hands over that wriggly, gooey bundle, knowing that you will be connected for life. It’s a difficult concept to know that perhaps this was just never meant to be, and my destiny will possibly follow an alternative route.

Like many women in this situation, I feel as though my quest towards motherood has become an all-consuming physical and emotional ride which constantly challenges my strength and energy. Nevertheless, each time I hit a barrier or reach a point where someone tells me that this road is becoming too hard, I become more determined to look for that one further option, that last chance which may prove fruitful towards my pursuit of a family.

I am therefore defying the statistics. I am focusing on pushing my own limitations and what I’ve been told I can do with my own fertility. It is difficult at times, and I am of course a victim of the regrets and reflections of a woman who ‘could have done things differently’. But this is the now and present; I can only control my future, not my past. So I will push the bar and find a way through this dark cloud to a bright tomorrow.

Who is with me?

 

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Dancing in the Rain

One lesson I have learned through this very challenging journey is that life doesn’t stop; you cannot plan for something you have no control over.

 

Initially when we started trying to conceive I would plan my year around when I expected a pregnancy or even planned due dates. Holidays were scheduled with the third trimester pregnancy in mind, and I would hesitate before planning events and social outings months in advance in hope of what ‘could be’.

 

Then as we lost our pregnancies or in between those months of waiting to conceive again, I felt my life start to take a ‘yo-yo’ effect. I became wary of committing to longer terms plans; even making decisions for my career and opting out of opportunities put in front of me.

 

I had started managing a strict savings schedule, fearful of spending too much money; thinking of the nest egg I would need to help me through maternity leave. After four miscarriages, I owned a healthy savings account, but nothing to account for it. I wasn’t living; I was just waiting.

 

I read a line on a poster the other week, which said: ‘life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about dancing in the rain!’

 

I realized that I had stopped ‘dancing’ through life! Whilst I still enjoyed many lovely things over the years I realize now that I had over planned my lifestyle to fit around a baby-making schedule.

 

If and when we do finally conceive a child, plans can always be changed, and my lifestyle can be adapted for pending motherhood. Meanwhile, I have learnt to relax, enjoy myself and take the time to dance in the rain. Life should not be about ‘what ifs’ or regrets. Taking my finger off the pause button, helped me to accept that I cannot change fate, but I can still live my life no matter what.

 

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Storm Damage

It has now been twelve months since the last storm (aka, my fourth miscarriage), and I’m still in search of my rainbow. However, to be perfectly honest I have taken some time from seeking out that colourful aspiration, and I have focused on giving myself time to heal throughout the aftermath.

 

I have bruises, scars even; and although they are fading, their pain is always with me. My biggest concern today is how do I move past this pain? When will I feel brave enough to try one more time? Of course I can try, but for me the fear of loss prevails more so than the hope of what could be. Am I alone? Surely there are other women feeling this same inherent paranoia that is now circling their every decision and experience, from one cycle to the next.

I found a related article recently, commenting that women, who have experienced pregnancy loss or fertility treatments, are often haunted by the stress and anxiety of loss throughout their entire pregnancy and even beyond. Somehow it didn’t surprise me, and yet it comforted me. Those sometimes irrational thoughts that periodically whir through my mind suddenly didn’t feel so ridiculous. Is this the new normal for someone like me?

 

In fact I find myself getting defensive, even defeatist before even starting down that road again. A friend asked me the other day why I wasn’t positive. I guess it is now my natural inclination to manage my own expectations. If I expect the worst, the fall won’t be so hard?

 

What makes this so difficult is that this process is so very uncontrollable and there is nothing I can do, nor anyone else, to make this succeed. My future is literally in the hands of fate and I need to trust that there is a greater purpose, a reason for my pain and heartache so far. I also need to build up the courage and the stamina to give myself that extra chance. If this is truly my dream, and I genuinely want to be a mother, I need to make a choice on how I want to pursue this.

But when and how?

Surely I will know when the time is right, when I’m ready to search beyond those storm clouds, even just for a glimpse of that rainbow.  It will be only then that I will fight beyond the aftermath of memories, in search of what’s beyond the rainbow, pursuing my dream with every ounce of my heart and soul.

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Finding A Different Rainbow

Those who have now read my memoir ‘Finding the Rainbow’, will understand exactly what this little man means to us, and how he came to join our small family. Coco Pops (yes that is his name) is now 18 months old. This amazing little dog has become a very important member of our family, and unbeknownst to him, he has helped us through a very challenging and stressful time in our lives. Who would have thought that this vibrant little brown-eyed dog, would be our salvation of sorts, giving us a different perspective and focus, and essentially helping us heal the wounds of loss and grief.

Many have asked, can a dog replace a child?

Well I am not sure I really need to say either way. What is more important is that Coco is our family. Like any family member, we love and care for him, we spoil him silly and now, we could not imagine our household without him. Of course we have our moments, such as times when he destroys things, barks in the middle of the night, craves constant attention, or chases poor Willow (our six-year-old cat) endlessly around the house. But his love is unconditional for us, as ours is for him.

I suppose that you may be wondering why this ‘dog’ is being blogged about on a social media page all about miscarriage and fertility?

Well, as I reflect on my life and my future, the fact is that I would love to be planning my first child’s birthday party, play dates, or even thinking about schooling options. Nevertheless, this is not my current reality. I realise that people mock my motives when I talk about Coco’s new tricks, or that we secured a ‘dog friendly’ holiday cottage, and that sometimes we pertinently bring out pictures and videos of our pets in dinner conversation. Perhaps it does sound a little bonkers, but these little four-legged darlings make our lives complete today, and without them, our home would be an empty nest.

The realism that we have tried, unsuccessfully, to fill our home with little human feet, would be far more apparent if we didn’t have animals to feed, nurture and clean up after each and every day.

Each person has their own way of filling that gap and dealing with their options when facing infertility challenges. Even more so, it’s not just a gap, it’s a way of moving forward, creating a reality that helps you find something alternative to face the future with, looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.

There is always a light, a rainbow of sorts; it just may not be the rainbow you dreamed of.

 

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My Bucket List

Yesterday I enjoyed the experience of the RHS Chelsea Flower Show for the first time, with a group of friends. Having only lived in the United Kingdom for eight years this has always been on my ‘bucket list’ of things to do. The ladies I was with yesterday all had the same mission, and it got me thinking… How do I define what is on my ‘bucket list’ and why?

The ‘bucket list’ is defined as the things you want to do before you die (so in essence before you ‘kick the bucket’). It is supposed to be a way of making your life memorable, and it is not about dying, it is about living.

So then you must be asking, why a flower show? And what else is on my list? Anything truly interesting?

Don’t misunderstand me; it is not as though I have a check box of twenty plus items I am systematically moving down. This is a concept of the things I want to experience or achieve throughout my life, such as a trek of Machu Pichu, or the opportunity to cross the Nullarbor Range. But in essence these are all achievable goals, there is nothing truly challenging here, nothing I couldn’t accomplish; except for one.

There is one particular item on my bucket list which has been an objective since I was very young. It has been something I have dreamed of, something I always thought would be easily fulfilled once my stars aligned and fate gave me the opportunity. But this one thing on the list is out of my control. This one thing, above all others, would negate any other objective. This one thing is to have my own baby, to be a mother, to build my family.

So now I ask myself, what if I could never reach this goal, never achieve my one true desire? What will I do; and has my life truly been fulfilled?

The answer? Well, it is really up to me. My life, my choice, and I can dwell on the things that are outside of my control; or I can take control myself, and find another objective.

So I choose the latter. I choose life and living it for each and every moment, and focusing on what is within my control.  Of course I hope and pray that someday the stars will align, and my one BIG objective will be reached. In the meantime, I will keep adding to my bucket list and focus on enjoying myself.

 

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My Philosophy … My Memoir

Today is an incredibly special day for me! Today is the official launch date of my first published work. This was my personal journal, something that I kept by my side during one of the most difficult times in my life. It carries my intimate story of loss, grief and hope, and I want to share it with you.

Why? Because no one should feel alone during times of heartache, and this is one of many stories that couples are experiencing every day all over the world. It is also a story that is seldom spoken about openly.

Growing up I was always taught to face my fears head on, I was encouraged to speak out and be open about my feelings. I accept that at times I wear my heart on my sleeve, but understand that this is a part of who I am; and I will never change. In sharing my story publicly, my only wish is that it connects with other families, other women; and it helps carry a message that infertility is not a stigma to feel embarrassed about, and that pregnancy loss is by no means an individual failure. I hope that through reading my story, it reveals my focus on staying positive, and keeping my hope alive though all the misfortunes I faced along the way.

Philosophically, today would also have been my late grandmother’s 88th birthday. Marjorie McGrath was a private person; she was strong and proud, and she always encouraged me to the best person I could be. Today I am thinking of her as I proudly launch my memoir, ‘Finding the Rainbow’. She missed out on meeting my husband, or seeing me get married. She always hoped to one day become a ‘great grandmother. I know that she would have encouraged me to carry on, fight for what I really want and never give up.

My story is to be continued. 

My full memoir is available at:  Amazon UK or Amazon US or Amazon ANZ

 

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Spring is in the Air

One of the hardest things for someone going through fertility challenges or having experienced pregnancy loss is the fact that everyone around you seems to be pregnant and having babies.

Tell me I’m wrong. It is as though, everywhere I look, someone has a lovely round tummy, or a gurgling new born just taunting me, reminding me of what I don’t have. It is one of the ironies of my current situation I guess. It is a constant reminder of what I have lost.

But don’t feel sorry for me here please. This is not meant to be a pity party. It is the reality of life. Not everyone was meant to conceive naturally, and there are many women like me in the same situation.

So how do I deal? There is no exact science to be honest. Sometimes it is difficult and sometimes I will shy away from that baby shower, or first born announcement, purely because it’s the only way I can cope, heal and resolve my own feelings at times. What I do ask is for understanding, not offence. Of course I wish for the same as you and sometimes I do envy you, but don’t get me wrong, I’m never resentful. I’m grateful that you have never had these challenges; or if you have had to deal with any hurdles along your journey, I’m thankful you’ve managed to overcome them.

As with the arrival of Spring; the sunshine and colours of a new season, I will always aim to cover my pain and the loss with smiles, and I will focus on being positive. Yet the hardest times are the ones you don’t expect. There is a moment, a memory, or reflection that will suddenly appear, and out of the blue, the sadness sweeps in. For me, it’s important to accept it, not avoid it.

Life moves on, and the delights of birth, children and families will continue to surround me.   My hope is to one day realise that dream of motherhood. Nonetheless, as with anyone who understands infertility or miscarriage, I will always grieve those angels taken before their time, wondering what could have been. That is the winter that will always haunt me, it’s a feeling that a small part of me was lost when they left this world.

 

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