Joshua D. Jones's Blog, page 15

Is NewFrontiers A Cult?

Hey Joshua,My sister finally decided to start going to church! I’m really happy about that, but it’s a NewFrontiers church. Before she gets too settled there, I wanted to know what you thought of them. I heard someone say NF was a cult – is that true?

Big question! The short answer is a qualified ‘no’.
Now here's the long answer…
NF is a diverse movement - churches are self-governed. Just because one finds a good or bad church some place, doesn’t mean they’re all that way. So not everything mentioned here may apply to your sister’s congregation. For readers outside the UK - though NF is largely a British movement - chances are you have a church or network similar in your nation. So there are things here you may find relevant.
Let’s Start Positive
What’s good about NF? To begin, they generally have a strong commitment to mission. They want to plant churches/ campuses and reach the lost.
Secondly, they have a strong commitment to Bible teaching - at least in theory. That doesn’t mean all NF churches have great preaching. But it’s at least a stated value. Their high view of Scripture has allowed them to take on the Chalkites and other theologically progressive intoleristas who have sown confusion in the British Evangelical church for a while now. For that, we ought to applaud them.
Third, we should also commend the majority of them for their openness to pursue God in spontaneous worship and to exercise the gifts of the Spirit in a Biblical way.
Concerns to Address
But we must face some legitimate concerns that – as we don’t like to rustle jimmies here in the Evangelical world – are often left unmentioned.  They are issues that your sister should consider before she makes NF her spiritual home.
The first apprehension is the potential spiritual elitism that can subtly - but easily - come with the Restorationist Theology which NF espouses. At the risk of oversimplifying, it's the view that God is in the process of restoring to the Church things that were supposedly lost during the last 2,000 years, but which He is now bringing back in stages. They believe that God is now restoring the ‘offices’ of apostle and prophet and that their movement is part of God’s latest stage of restoration. It doesn’t take 20/20 vision to see where the tar pit lay. There can be a danger in believing that your movement is the latest and best of what God is doing in the world. You may see all of God’s people as part of his arrow… but you’re the very tip.
In spite of this questionable doctrine, there are many NF leaders who maintain true humility. The next concern is greater –but may be connected.
Personal Story
Sadly, the NF church that I had the most experience with was unhealthy. Perhaps that’s a bit unfair - there are many great young men and women of God there who genuinely love Jesus. But in my experience the top leadership had – behind his whimsical speaking style – a dark side. No, I’m not speaking of the NF congregation we have here in Cambridge. I’m speaking of the one back where I used to minister. The lead pastor of that church is – in my own opinion – the most spiritually manipulative minister I’ve yet to personally meet in the UK.
As I was a local church leader there myself, I talked to more devastated young lives bleeding out of that church than any other I’ve yet encountered or ever hope to encounter. Of course I met disgruntled people drifting around from other churches - but this was different. The stories here were traumatic and usually the same: the pastor would corner someone in a back room and seek to exercise control over them with certain canned speeches. I repeatedly heard about people being asked – when he was pressuring them to do something they wouldn’t otherwise have done - ‘Are you naïve, or a rebel?’ or if someone started asking questions or raised a concern they might hear, ‘I think you have trust issues. Submit to me and I'll help you deal with them.’ 
He was sharp, confident, and…seductive. No, that’s not me being comical - looks have nothing to do with it. He was seductive in the way he would push someone down, and then draw them close again when they conceded to his will. It produced intense loyalty among those he led. When they submitted, they were rewarded by being told they were no longer rebellious – they were now 'humble'. It’s as if they were led to believe that if they submitted to him, they were submitting to God – that if they were his sheep, then they were Christ’s sheep too.
It was a form of leadership straight out of the book, The Art of Seduction.
I had two meetings with him. During the second, I told him that his actions were ‘spiritually abusive’. Sadly, he laughed at the idea. While ministering there I met young people who needed counselling after these encounters. I’ve sat across from shaken former, younger staff members who dared to question the way things were being run. Sadly, I know all too well the look of one who has been spiritually violated – one whose optimism in God and the church has been nicked.
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For those elders who persist in sin, rebuke them before all, so that the rest may stand in fear.-1 Timothy 5.20_____
From my experience, this was not an issue with the other main Evangelical pastors in the city who lead in a more Christ like manner. As spiritual leaders of the city, it would better - and from my understanding more Biblical - if they were to issue a public rebuke and distance themselves from this minister. This would be both in hopes that he would repent and to prevent local Christians from coming under the authority of one who wields it in an ungodly way - even if this risks ‘unity’.
It’s recently been heard that this congregation has left NF. (Others have said they were asked to leave - we are not sure.) This is disconcerting as they just left New Ground - a smaller church network they were in - in 2015. Though this provokes concern for the people still in the church, you may ask how this then relates to your original question: why bring up this extreme, splinter element of NF? Surely your sister’s congregation can’t be like this? Can it?

NF as a Movement
Unfortunately, Heavy Shepherdingis an accusation that NF has been dodging from the beginning. No, not every NF pastor does it. But enough have to get the movement a reputation. The Wikipedia article on New Frontiers cites the Journal of Belief and Values saying of NF:
‘There is a toughness about this style of leadership that is unlikely to be distracted by opposition. The disadvantage is that this style of leadership can leave some individuals hurt and marginalised for what is seen by the leadership as the overall benefit to the organisation.’
Terry Virgo - the founder of NF – attempts to justify the movement’s heavy handed leadership in his book, Restoration in the Church. In the chapter ‘Flocks and Shepherds’ he allows room for this practice by arguing that an elder, ‘must have enough access into the lives of his people to speak directly to them about areas where they fall short.’ (p87). But an elder demanding this type of access into everyone’s personal life is beyond the authority that the New Testament actually gives him (see Should Christians 'Obey' Pastors?' ). Because of this, some senior leaders have even left the movement over the years, calling it to repent of its form of leadership. (See Here).  
Hope
In spite of all this, we may still be hopeful that your sister is in a good church for at least two reasons. For one, as the NF movement has grown and matured, it’s reasonable to think that there are NF leaders who have learned lessons from the excesses of the movement’s early days – even if not all have.
The other reason we can be hopeful is that this type of spiritual abuse is harder to pull off nowadays - British laws have changed. There’s now a legal category called ‘vulnerable adults’. It puts leaders who act in psychologically abusive ways - and trustees who allow it - at risk of a lawsuit. In addition, the once overly timid, British Christian is starting to value those courageous enough to be a prophetic whistle-blowers – be they whistleblowing through legal means or their own attempts to raise concern through online channels. (Example Here.)It used to be easy to silently send away an abused, guilt-induced sheep. Less so now.
So your sister’s church may be one of the many good ones - I’ve met people that have had great experiences in NF. Make no mistake, there are some really good NF churches.  Ask around. If the congregation is led by humble, godly leaders – then enjoy! I would never want anyone to leave a congregation simply because it was part of the NF movement. As we said at the beginning, in a movement where the congregations are all self-governed there will be good and bad eggs.
And if you – the reader – are part of the NF movement, please know there is much your movement can contribute to the wider church. You’re not a cult - but there have been some leaders among you that have adopted a controlling, cult-like understandings of submission and authority. Unless what is good in your leadership is willing to expel these elements within your ranks, then you risk disqualifying yourselves… and the British Church will be all the poorer for it. All this is written as a friend of the movement – with a desire that you succeed.
Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example.-1 Peter 5.3

[And if you found this helpful, please consider sharing this article with someone who may be in a controlling church situation – whether it is in NF or some other group. You may be saving them years of heartache later on.]

Is Masturbation a Sin?

Hey Joshua,So, we had a big debate in the halls last night about masturbation. What’s your take on it? -N
This is the awkward question a lot of Christians wonder about but only a few have the courage to ask. Well done. I’ll answer first as a Bible teacher, then as a pastor.
With my Bible teacher hat on, I have to tell you that Scripture is silent on the issue. Now that hasn’t stopped people on both sides of the debate from relentlessly and creatively seeking for a verse to support their view. But there is none. And that’s not because the Bible doesn’t talk about sex or sexual sin. Scripture describes sex as a good gift and the sin that perverts it as evil. The Bible cites fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, pornography, homosexual acts, polygamy, polyamory and many other such activities as unfitting for the people of God. But on masturbation – the Bible utters not a whisper.____Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.- Ecclesiastes 9.10[NOT a verse endorsing masturbation]_____
It is important for you to know it's not clearly condmened in Scripture because some have heard it is and the guilt they feel in association with the practice is disproportionate and largely unnecessary. For some, it is not masturbation that is destroying them – it’s the sense of guilt that goes with it. They need to know they don’t stand condemned under God’s law.
BUT – and this a big but, I cannot lie – I do advise against the practice as a pastor. I am not pontificating law here, but rather sharing the wisdom of a man who has carried a robust sex drive within him since the days of his youth. So…why do I think you’re better off doing something else with your hands?
First of all, in our day, masturbation is closely linked with pornography. I have worked with many Christian guys who want to kick the habit of porn (and occasionally counselled a Christian gal on the same issue). For many of the guys, if they want to get free of porn, they found that they needed to get rid of the habit of masturbation as well. In previous generations porn was harder to come by and few Christians would risk losing face to go to a store and buy a one-handed lad’s mag. Now it’s on our phone and everywhere. It’s the petrol that fuels most people’s addiction to orgasm.
For married couples, masturbation can become an easy substitute for marital sex - if you’ve been married for more than a couple of years, you know what I mean. When a Christian couple first gets married, sex is usually new and exciting. But over the years, sex gets intertwined with many other issues. If the marriage as a whole isn’t working well, then sexual intimacy doesn’t work well either. When this happens, finding sexual release by taking matters into your (ahem) own hand can be much simpler. This is a sad state for Christians as our God rejoices in a married man and woman sharing erotic love with each other.
I’m not saying that masturbation is always wrong in marriage – but it often leads to things that are wrong or unhealthy. I know of one couple where the man has to take long business trips. When doing so, he takes sexy photos of his wife with him (with her knowledge) that he uses to masturbate with. When he returns from his trip, they resume normal marital intimacy. It would be wrong of me as a pastor to condemn them for this. I’m glad he is doing this instead of surfing the net for porn, hooking up with a girl in a bar or hiring a prostitute.
Often lust, sexual sin – or unhelpful sexual habits – express themselves because other issues are not quite right. I find that people who are lonely or lacking in healthy, intimate relationships are more prone to masturbation, porn and other sexual sins. Their lack of healthy relationships make them prone to seek affection and security in other, unhealthy ways. Sometimes masturbation isn’t so much the problem as it is a false solution. 
Jesus died a shameful death in order to remove our sin and shame. Finding health in a daily relationship with God through the forgiveness Jesus brings - and healthy, affectionate and transparent relationships with brothers and sisters in Christ - strengthens you. This makes the addictive hold of unwanted sexual habits weaker.
So, in short, I don’t want the Christians I pastor to come under a cloud of condemnation for masturbating, but I would advise them to avoid the habit as it can easily lead to other things that really are sinful and destructive. If you are in sexual sin, repent. Give Jesus your sin and he will give you forgiveness. There is no sin that Jesus cannot forgive and he will accept everyone who comes to him humbly. 

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For more about healthy friendships between Men and Women check out Forbidden Friendships available on Amazon in Paperback and Kindle in the  USA  and the  UK

5 Reasons Remain Voters shouldn't Slit their Wrists

Crap...It's Independence Day
So, you’ve campaigned hard. You’ve put memes on Facebook that have caused some to unfriend you. You’ve tried to persuade others about the dangers of a Brexit – but you woke up this morning to see you lost. Here are five reasons not to end it all:
England has always had an anti-European streak. Be this decision smart or stupid – we’re being true to our historic selves.We’ve seen the exciting movies about a Zombie Apocalypse. Now we get to see the real thing, free of charge.Today the Hollywood film ‘Independence Day 2’ is out. Now you have an even greater excuse to nip to the cinemas.  'Well done Britain, Baby!'Donald Trump thinks we’ve done the right thing. What more could we want than to go up in his books?If you’re a Christian, neither England nor Europe are your home. You’re living for an everlasting Kingdom. The EU, the UK and other nations would fail one day. In the scale of eternity, this will mater less than we assume it will
______________________________ For more, check out our book Forbidden Friendships available on Amazon in Paperback and Kindle in the  USA  and the  UK

A Reckless Response to Islamisation

Western Ideals are weak in the face of Islamic Ideology
Tomorrow Britain goes to the polls to vote on whether they will remain in the European Union. There are many political and social issues turning up the temperature in this high stakes experiment in democracy. One of those issues is immigration – and particularly the immigration of those coming from an Islamic culture. Those who generally oppose further immigration of migrants are often accused – rightly or wrongly – of xenophobia. The ones who oppose Islamic immigration in particular are oft accused of ‘Islamophobia’.
CS. Lewis once talked about how a word dies. ‘Verbicide’ is the term he used for the murder of a word through excessive and misuse. ‘Islamaphobia’ has become one of those words and trying to have a discussion on it in modern culture has all the loaded tension of telling ‘yo mama’ jokes in old western saloon. The problem is that in using the word we rarely make the clear distinction on whether we are talking about Islamic ideology or Muslim individuals. We live in a culture where tongues are sharp – but not minds. How are we to find the path of sanity in the midst of such a conversational minefield?
Free speech… that was sooooo 20thcentury.
Before the tolerance police come and arrest me for daring to pose such a question, may I simply ask: Is there an Islamic country – by history and majority culture – that has freedom of speech, freedom of assembly and freedom of religion? There are many Islamic countries – I have spent time in some of them myself - but I’ve yet to see one that has anywhere the level of personal liberty that Westerners are currently blessed with. Even Egypt – which many regard as one of the more Westernised Islamic countries – arrested a group of six yesterday for holding an unregistered prayer meeting in someone’s home. (Here)
For those interested in preserving Western values, it is understandable that they want to try and limit Islamic influence. Sadly, a desire to resist Islamic ideology is often misdirected at refugees who themselves are seeking asylum from countries that embrace Islamic ideology. But as a Christian, I am not particularly interested in a wholesale protection of Western values. Countries like USA and UK are only temporary organisations and excessive patriotism is a distraction from the real battle – the battle for the hearts of mankind.  The American Bill of Rights and the British Magna Carta will one day turn to dust. But people – from the well-off bank CEO in London to a refugee floating to an overcrowded raft in the Mediterranean – will last forever.
I’ve been blessed to know many ex-Muslims. I think of the Afghan I met who became a Christian – only to see his wife and kids murdered before his eyes in an Islamic ‘honour’ killing. I think of the Iranian who – upon being discovered with a Bible hidden in his room – was thrown of the family and cut off from his community. He had to flee Iran to save his own life. Following Jesus cost them everything. None of these former Muslims have any rosy-cheeked, naïve ideals about what Islam - in its pure, undiluted form - really is. The ex-Muslims I know hate Islam because it blinded them from knowing Jesus – and the forgiveness he brings. (Western secularism can do the same thing).
This is why I hate Islam. I hate Islam because I have Muslim friends that I love and pray for. Is loving Muslims but hating Islam ‘Islamophobia’? Or is modern liberalism too impatient to appreciate the distinction between a person and the ideology that holds the person?
When calmly considered, Islam may genuinely be a threat to some Western values. But politcal nationalism and the unloving treatment of individual Muslims may make sense if you're a patriotic secualrist - but not if you're a Christian. 
If you’re a Christian who’s particularly drawn to politics - be careful in what you fight for. From a certain strand of the Brexit supporters (not all) on one side of the Atlantic to some of the Trumpkins (not all) on the other side, I am hearing a call to protect Western culture. ‘British Sovereignty!’ and ‘Make America Great Again’. National politics can be seductive. You are called to fight for something much higher. You are not called to fight against secularists, atheists or Muslims. You are called to fight for them – fight in prayer, love, hospitality, and in the humble sharing of who Jesus is. 

God’s not interested in saving Britain. He’s not interested in saving America. Jesus died to save people. Are the things you’re fighting for worth Christ dying for? 

Should Christians Obey Pastors?

The Shepherding Movementof the 1970s screwed a lot people up. It was a movement that introduced an intense form of accountability and submission to leadership and it primarily affected newer British and American charismatic churches. The leaders of that movement have since all repented of this teaching - that should have been a clear sign to avoid practices associated with the movement. But no – sadly we are more foolish than we like to think. These bad practices floated like pollen through the evangelical air and have settled in all sorts of places. So from time to time I find people in the church who have been wounded by the spiritual leadership that should have been causing them to flourish.
I want to comment here on just one Bible verse in this post because it is more misused than any other by leaders who want to exercise control over others in the local church. It’s this…‘Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account.’ -Hebrews 13.17
Does this mean what heavy shepherding leaders want it to mean? Are you to obey whatever your pastor tells you – as if you were submitting to God himself? Can your pastor tell you to quit your job, marry someone or even attend every service the church runs?
I understand the appeal of this verse to leaders. I am a church leader myself. At times there are conflicts or issues in the church and it would be nice to command everyone’s obedience in order to fix any and every problem. Heavy Shepherding leaders teach that this verse does give them such dictatorial powers.
How do we respond? Get your ouzo bottles and sun cream out boys and girls – we’re going Greek!
'We might not do economics, but we sure got some gret words!'Here are the Greek words in the New Testament that are translated as ‘obey’:
The first word is ‘peitharcheō’ and it is used 4 times in the NT. It means obey in the clearest and strongest sense. It’s what most of us mean when we use the word ‘obey’. It is twice in reference to obeying God and once to obeying a bit of sailing advice that would have kept a boat from crashing. One more time it is used of an actual person in a leading role - to a civil leader and the law:
‘Remind them to be subject to rulers, to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good deed.’  - Titus 3:1
In other words – obey the law. Pay your taxes, stop at those red lights. Christians shouldn’t be in jail. Unless they are asking you to sin, do what they say.
The second Greek word that is translated as ‘obey’ is both more frequent and more nuanced. It is the word hypotasso. It is frequently translated as the word ‘submit’ and it is used 40 times in the NT. Here are two examples:
‘Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.’ – Col. 3.18and..‘Jesus went down with them [his parents] and came to Nazareth, and He continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.’ –Luke 2.51
This is a type of obedience that is – to a degree – voluntary. It can’t be purely commanded. It is a calling, not a simple military act. I am called to sacrificially love my wife in the same way that my wife is called to submit to and support my leadership. But those aren’t things we can’t really demand of each other and expect they be given in their full measure. We do these things out of respect for each other and love for Christ and his ways. Which word do you think is used for ‘obey your leaders’ in Hebrews 13? The stronger word or the slightly softer word?
Neither.
Naughty of me. It was a trick question. There is a third word here and it is ‘peithō’. It means to persuade or be persuaded by. It appears 63 times and the vast majority of the time is used simply to mean persuade, to listen to or to win over. Here are some examples:
‘But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowds to ask for Barabbas and to put Jesus to death.’ –Matthew 27
‘But he said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be persuaded even if someone rises from the dead.’ –Luke 16
If it is most often translated as persuade, why is it translated as obey in Hebrew 13?
First of all not all translations do translate it as obey. The CEB translation tries to reflect the softness of this verb by translating it as ‘Rely on your leaders and defer to them’.
Secondly, we use obey because we really don’t have good English way of translating it. ‘Give your leaders a chance to persuade you’ is a mouth full of chalk to read – even if it is a more accurate rendering.
Lastly, in this qualified sense, we really should obey our leaders. We should listen to them, consider what they have to say and stop opposing them and making their jobs difficult. But this is a far cry from the complete obedience that the Shepherding pastors try to make it out to be. We do not submit to them like we do Jesus. We are his sheep and we follow his voice. Pastors are guides and we should – if they live godly lives and faithfully preach the gospel – respect them.
Be assured, the word used for ‘obey’ here is the least dictatorial of the three and it cannot be commanded by the leader. Rather, scripture calls elders to never ‘lord it over the flock’ (1 Peter 5). 
Hope this helps to clear things up. If you found this helpful, please consider sharing this article with anyone you know who has been subject to heavy shepherding and spiritual abuse.

The ISIS Christian Union & a Blind Britain

So… we heard at the begging of the week that a Christian Union (for Yankee readers that’s a Christian student club) was disbanded at an unnamed British college under the government’s new anti-extremism laws. Yesterday, David Cameron said that such an act was ‘ludicrous’ and that people needed common sense in applying these new laws meant to battle intolerance, hate speech, extremism, etc.
The trouble for Cameron – and for most of the secular, philosophically anchorless West – is that there is no longer any consistent measuring stick that we can use measure what extreme is. When we throw out what is absolute, we have all the strength of a dried leaf to face the destructive. In place of Christianity, we try to teach ‘British Values’ in our schools. But what worthwhile ‘values’ does Britain have that didn’t grow out of its once held Christian world-view? Before the gospel came to this country we were running around naked, worshipping frogs and eating each other. #BritishValues 
Ironically, arch-atheist Richard Dawkins recently and reluctantly quipped that only Christianity as a movement has the ideological strength to confront the growing tides of radical Islam. Even he realises that no Islamic terrorist group is going to be persuaded to lay down their weapons upon a reading of his ‘God Delusion’.
Cameron – and most of secular Britain that his comments represent – is simply blind to how dangerous Christianity is to all other world ideologies. Cameron and those like him see Christianity as a toothless movement: safe and boring – but nostalgic enough to warm the heart of their grandmother.
There's a reason that Islamic countries burn copies of the Bible and imprison or kill Christian leaders and converts. It’s because they see clearer than most Westerners. There’s a reason that early Christians were fed to the lions in Rome. We are proclaiming that Christ is King over all world powers, that he will one day judge his creation and that -through his death on our behalf - only he can forgive of sins. The Romans rightly saw the early Christian movement as one that ‘turned the world upside down’ (Acts 17.6). 
Cameron – and most of the UK – is blind to what Christianity is. ISIS, the Taliban and most of those in power in the Islamic world see much clearer. Christianity is best understood from the inside – as a believer. But if you are not an insider, then the best view is from a distance - like one observing a mountain. The worst possible position from which to have a clear view of Christianity is from just outside on the door step – which is where the UK is now.
Those who disbanded the unnamed Christian Union may just be getting far enough away to see properly. 

On the Brexit Baloney

Hey Joshua,
As we get ready for the big referendum, how do you think Jesus would vote on Brexit.-M

Hey dude,
Good question.
When Jesus walked the earth, he was surrounded by a political brouhaha even more charged than our own. There was tension between those who wanted a ‘Israel for the Israelis’ (the Zealots and Pharisees) and those who preferred strong ties to the Roman Empire (the Herodians and Sadducees). Throughout his ministry Jesus was often asked political questions so that people could pin him on a particular ‘side’ in order to discredit him.
But Jesus don’t play that.
He never fell into their trap and was resolute that he was building his own kingdom – one that was ‘not of this world’ (John 18.36). Even in the OT when Joshua – the commander of the Israeli army – asked the pre-incarnate Jesus if he was on their side or the side of their enemies he responded, ‘No; but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come.’ (Joshua 5.14).
‘So Jesus, should we stay in the EU or get out?’
‘No. I am here.’
‘Huh?’
The UK and the EU are short lived political experiments. Like Rome, both will fall. But the true government will rest on His shoulders and of His Kingdom there shall be no end. Let’s make our priority to get ourselves and others into that one.
'No.'As far as the current debate goes, I have concerns on both sides. First of all – for those who think the UK should vote to leave – please be aware of the unhealthy effects of nostlgic nationalism. I am hearing Brits use terms like ‘national sovereignty’ - only they stretch the word out when they pronounce it as if angels should hush in reverence. On the other side of the Atlantic I am hearing similar patriotic catch phrases as the Trumpkins chant ‘Make America Great Again!’ Patriotism has little spiritual benefit.
But secondly, I am also concerned for the pro-EU crowd. There is a nauseating dosage of naiveté being passed around on social media. Many seem to think that if only we can stay in the EU than peace and prosperity will continue to be ours. That’s a foolish amount of confidence to put in any human institution. We may end up staying in the EU but still end up fighting or broke.
This world is not our home. Vote in such a way as you think others will best benefit. ‘Are Europeans better off with the UK in the EU?' That would be a question that I would ask myself – if I were to vote.-J
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'Can Christian Men & Women be Close Friends?'

A Fat, Christian Dating Quagmire

Hey Joshua,
I pastor a church with a large group of young adult singles and have been so concerned with the way they go from 0-60 in their relationships. One week they aren't dating anyone and the next week they seem to be about to get engaged. Good kids, just no margin. But how to explain the potential dangers and damage without just saying quit it because I'm older and know better?-R
Hey Pastor R,
This is a big problem in Christian dating circles in both the UK and the USA.I don’t know of many resources to point you towards (though if someone reading does, please paste a link below) that deals well with the problem of getting too exclusive too fast. But I’m happy to share some thoughts that I’ll post on my blog for others who may be interested.
In God’s eyes, if we are not married - or committed in formal engagement - then we are unbound (or ‘single’ in today’s speak). Thus dating has no moral authority. If one has a boyfriend or girlfriend, they are free to leave that person for someone else if they wish – that would not be divorce or adultery like it is for married people.
This culture of quick, exclusive relationships usually creates an enormous amount of stress for a guy who wants to ask a girl out in the first place. He may find her interesting, but he’s not sure if she’s interesting in a friendship way or in a romantic, perhaps-this-is-wife-material way. He just wants to get to know her better. But he’s afraid that if he simply tries to spend some time with her, there will be an expectancy for him to commit to an intense and exclusive relationship before he even knows her.
For the girl, it puts pressure on her when being asked out. ‘Does this mean something big?!’ And her romantic heart starts beating wildly. Maybe he just wants to be your friend. Maybe he finds you interesting - and thinks there may be romance there – but it takes time to figure out the other person as well as ourselves.
For unwed people, male-female friendships can lead to romance, but they don’t have to. Sometimes – when we are a young, unwed adult – we are unsure of which direction we want the relationship to go in. There should be socially accepted space to figure these things out. For young men here in the UK, there’s a fear that if they start spending time with various young women – in attempts to get to know them better – they will be seen as ‘a player’. For young women, they fear being seen as a flirt, or one who ‘leads guys on’. Granted that can happen – which is why communication about expectations is important.
I think part of the tendency to ‘go from 0-60’ may stem from a stifled need to connect with members of the opposite gender in meaningful ways. A girl who has meaningful friendships with other guys, may be less likely to go crazy and give her whole heart away when a boy gives her attention asks her out. I deal with this element to some degree in ‘Forbidden Friendships.’
My children are young now – but if they were older and going off to university, I would encourage them not to get in an exclusive relationship the first year. Date? Sure. But I would tell my daughter that before she goes out with Benjamin a second time, to go out once with Alex or Steve once. She gets to know more about young men and more about herself. What’s more, she is not giving her heart to anyone prematurely. When she’s grown in wisdom and fells ready to move more towards marriage, then it may be right to enter into one of those pre-engagement, exclusive dating relationships and give her heart to a guy.
I’ve talked to young adults who are in relationships that they’ve described as ‘suffocating’ – I suppose you have to. They spend more time with their girl/boyfriend than most married people do together. There’s little room for outside friends and friends of the opposite gender can be seen easily with jealousy and suspicion. This is because exclusivity that should be reserved for marriage is being imposed on a dating couple.
If I am a young man who’s dating a girl – but we are not engaged – then I have no Biblical right to think of her as ‘mine’. As Christians we can be zealous to show that we are ‘faithful’ - but there is a type of faithfulness that should be reserved for marriage alone. If we are not committed in engagement, then the young woman I am calling ‘my girlfriend’ is free to date other guys and it not be sin. She may choose not to do that - but I cannot morally demand it of her. Vows have not been exchanged and mimicking marriage - even if the two aren’t sinning sexually through fornication - can lead to problems. If you’re ready to be a true couple, get married. If not, then open up the windows and give each other freedom to explore.

The way we can best help our young adults is probably by addressing this issue from the pulpit. We can help create an alternative culture with our words of instruction and advice – give them permission to take their time in the midst of a culture that can be too demanding.

-Joshua


For more, check out our book Forbidden Friendships available on Amazon in Paperback and Kindle in the  USA  and the  UK

A Letter to Steve Chalke & A Call to the British Christians

Dear Steve Chalke,
Though this letter is written as a challenge to your more recent actions, I’d like to begin by thanking you for the contributions you made to the Body of Christ here in the UK and to society at large over the years. You have contributed enormously to the British church’s understanding of social activism and the Oasis Trust that you started after your early years as Baptist minister has blessed millions – especially those in poverty. I also greatly appreciate the work of Stop the Traffick which you founded to fight Human Slavery – an issue we both care deeply about.
But sadly, this letter is not about the heroic things you were known for in the past. Rather, I’m writing about the new direction you’ve taken, particularly in regards to your Open Church Charter that condones and even celebrates homosexual activity and in the name of gay ‘marriage’.
I have just returned from a pastor's conference in France where one of the speakers was a man who was formerly active in the gay life style but who is now a celibate pastor - loved, accepted and appreciated by his friends. We should be encouraged to see many emerging leaders in our midst who – though they suffer with same-sex attraction - deny these temptations and live holy, celibate lives, empowered by the intimacy of close spiritual friendships. They send a clear message to our generation: we need love to survive - not necessarily sex. Just as many Christian leaders fight and resist a host of heterosexual temptations, these people fight off their homosexual temptations and are worthy of honour!
But you have taken a different direction then these men. You have presented your charter as a tool for accepting practicing LGBT people into a family, but whose family? The God of the Bible? By affirming people in their sin rather than calling them to repent of their sin, you have demonstrated 21st Century, Western inclusiveness but not Christian hospitality. 
Yes, Jesus calls everyone. And he calls them to repent of their sin - not proudly celebrate it. By all means we should apologise to the LGBT community for times and places where we have insinuated that homo-sex is far worse than heterosexual sins. You rightly call that abuse. But it is equally abusive to swing to the opposite extreme and no say that such actions are not sinful at all.
Instead of offering Amazing Grace that redeems people from their sin, you're offering Appalling Grace that leaves people enslaved in it. Without repentance and forgiveness as the base, you offer only a faux inclusion. In trying to be inclusive as 21st century culture defines it, you've helped exclude them from the one community that really matters - the community of the repentant. ('The sexually immoral and those practicing homosexuality... will not inherit the Kingdom of God.' - 1 Cor. 6)
It was not surprising that your charter never once attempts to quote Scripture. Of course it didn't - you and I both know that every verse that mentions homosexual practice condemns it unequivocally. Rather - in the place of Scripture - you make good use of our current culture's more emotive bits of vocabulary: 'acceptance', 'inclusion' and 'openness'. It shows that you have well sniffed out our generational Zeitgeist, not only by the words you use, but by the words you don’t use: 'repentance', 'holiness', 'self-control', etc.
Even now, let me offer you the loving call which - in your deception - you refuse to give to those who need it most. I call you to repent of your error - lest you find yourself outside the Kingdom. The younger you – the one who once publically wrote to Roy Clements as I am now writing to you - would label as 'false teaching' what you currently promote. 
Your younger you would be right.
Turn back - and the sinful teaching of your later years will be washed and forgiven. Come back home. Those who are now cheering you on as a hero will one be seen kissing enemies before the Judgement Seat.
To British pastors, leaders and Christians I issue an alternative call to that of Steve's gender-bender charter and its faux inclusion. Don't hide from this issue. Jesus condemns those who even tolerate teaching that makes room for sexual immorality (Rev. 2.20). Yet, many of you have been showing all the stalwartness of a kitten chasing a laser pointer when it comes to sexual sin in general and homosexual sin in particular. Stop imaging that 'niceness' has become the 10th fruit of the Spirit. Exchange your backbones of wet tissue for ones of bronze, pick up the sword of the Spirit and obediently 'fight the good fight of faith'.
Let us offer a truly loving call to the LGBT community: Come and join the family of the redeemed - join us as we repent of our fornication, adultery, pornography, slander, rage and greed. As the Father forgives and cleanses our sins, he can forgive and clean yours.
He'll leave a light onfor you.
-Joshua

On Dating a New Christian

Theologically, how close can our noses get?


Hey __________________ Thanks for messaging me. As always, happy to respond to any questions you have.
You asked about dating a new Christian. Well done. Before getting to the ‘new’ part of your inquiry, allow me a word on the issue of dating in British young adult Christian circles full stop – it will be relevant, I assure.
There is a tendency in British dating circles – and sometimes in USA – for Christians to get exclusive and serious far too quickly. The consequences of this is that for a young man to ask a young woman out is a deed that involves elephantine amounts of stress. First coffee, then marriage! Anything less, and it is assume a man will be seen as being not serious – a player of the field and doer of shameful deeds.
What is needed is to open the windows a bit and allow some freedom to blow through. It is perfectly acceptable for you –as young woman – to have multiple guys take you out during the same season of life with the understanding that they are just friends that have the possibility of romance. No exchanging of hearts too soon. If a shared drink or lunch was seen as a more casual affair, you might see Christian guys doing more asking.
This leads into your question about new Christians. In one sense, you’re perfectly free to date and even marry a brand new Christian. My dad was a bit cheeky as he started dating my mother when they were teenagers. When he realised she wasn’t a Christian, he drove her to meet his pastor so that she would be converted. She was so and they got married as teenagers.
I’m the result. I’ll let you be the judge as to whether that’s good fruit or not.
That story aside, my concern is less for the mature Christian and more for the new – regardless of the gender. When one becomes a Christian, they are beginning a brand new relationship – one with God. If they also get romantically involved with a more experienced Christian at the same time, they mix muddling the two a bit – at least emotionally. The new Christian may look frequently to the more mature one – not only for romantic affection – but also for spiritual direction. Should that dating relationship end badly (and don’t most romantic engagements that end, end ‘badly’?) the person has not only lost a romantic partner, but also the one through whom so much spiritual guidance came?
Generally I would encourage new Christians to focus on following Christ and not rush too quickly to seek out a Christian boy/girlfriend. Leave the relationship open and light for a while. That’s not a law. If you’re already in a more serious and exclusive relationship, I wouldn’t encourage you to end it – just be aware of the possible risks. Don’t try to be their spiritual mentor. Have them find someone else to pastor them closely.
I would also remind the more mature Christian that the newer believer may still have a lot to learn (and unlearn) about sexuality. Sex is for one man and one woman in one marriage for one lifetime. If the new believer hasn’t gotten that lesson yet, make sure they get it.
Finally, both should consider the Christian option of celibacy. British Christian young adult culture seems to assume that marriage is for everyone. It doesn’t have to be. Jesus was single. Paul was single – and thankful for it.
But perhaps that’s for another blog.
Does any of this help?
Your friend,Joshua



For more, check out our book Forbidden Friendships available on Amazon in Paperback and Kindle in the  USA  and the  UK