David Vienna's Blog, page 244

I love that we’re all fucking up as parents together.

I love that we’re all fucking up as parents together.

Code Yellow

For those who were asking about the Code Yellow story, here’s what happened:

We were checking out at a department store when Wyatt let us know he had to use the bathroom in his typical fashion—singing “POOP! POOP! I NEED TO POOOOOOP!”

I decided to take Boone with me, just in case he needed to go, too. As my wife talked with the cashier, I said, “I’m taking the boys to the restroom,” which she apparently did not entirely hear. Later, she said she understood I was taking one boy, but not both.

But that’s why, when she turned and saw no kid, she thought one has wandered off. To make it worse, I’d left my phone with her, so she couldn’t call to ask if I had them both. (In hindsight, I shouldn’t have done that and now I have a great explanation for why I’m always looking at my phone.)

She asked the cashier if somebody from security could look around. The cashier suggested a Code Yellow, which locks down the store. To my wife’s credit, she didn’t think it was necessary, but the cashier insisted.

So, the store was locked down, no one could enter or exit as security searched for the “missing boy.” As I exited with restroom with Wyatt and Boone, a guy trotted up to me and asked, “Is one of your kids named Boone?” I said yes and he spoke into his walkie-talkie, “He’s with his dad. Call off the lockdown.”

I was like, “Lockdown?” Then, I turned to Wyatt and Boone and said, “Okay, guys, look. When we see Mom, she’s going to be really upset, so don’t make any sudden movements.”

She was actually fine, but I stopped at an auto supply store on the way home and had LoJacks installed on each kid.

Just when you think you have this parenting thing figured out, your family causes a “code...

Just when you think you have this parenting thing figured out, your family causes a “code yellow” at a department store resulting in a lock down.

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WIN. THIS. BOOK.Yes, knockknockstuff is doing a Calm The F*ck...

WIN. THIS. BOOK.

Yes, knockknockstuff is doing a Calm The F*ck Down giveaway, this time with Good Reads.

The deadline to enter is April 6, 2015. But enter now, don’t wait until the last minute. I waited until the last minute when applying for colleges, which is why I ended up graduating from Brian Gorfner’s University & Transmission Repair.

Some of us work differently than others.

Some of us work differently than others.

DAVID VIENNA reads from his parenting book CALM THE F*CK DOWN

DAVID VIENNA reads from his parenting book CALM THE F*CK DOWN:

Calm the F*ck Down (Knock Knock): Based on a no-holds-barred post that swept the internet, Calm the F*ck Down is for parents who desperately need a chill pill. This helpful how-to offers a diaperload of practical advice from parenting blogger David Vienna.

For those who wanted to attend the recent reading of my book, but couldn’t make it: You just got hooked up.

You can now download the audio of the event, which includes the entire reading and the Q&A that followed. (The download link is at the bottom of the post.)

If you start it and Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon at the same time, they totally sync up.

It seems our boys misled the new babysitter last night. Usually, they help guide new ones through...

It seems our boys misled the new babysitter last night. Usually, they help guide new ones through the evening routine. But, after convincing last night’s sitter they could watch TWO movies, they were up and eating at nearly 10pm when we got home.

Clearly, they’ve started using their charming personalities for evil.

Time to call an exorcist.

Watch this video. Your life will be better for it.

Watch this video. Your life will be better for it.

The boys haven’t wanted to learn how to ride their bikes...

The boys haven’t wanted to learn how to ride their bikes since we took off their training wheels. They didn’t like practicing and, quite frankly, I’m too out of shape to run along with them on the street. Seriously, I get winded just taking out the trash.

Our friend Tom (also a dad to twin boys) heard our plight and said, “Oh, I’ve got a super easy way for kids to learn how to ride. Take them to a small grassy hill and just keep letting them roll down until they get the hang of it.”

He claimed, using this tactic, his boys were riding within an hour. Needless to say, we were skeptical. But, when Wyatt showed interest in giving his bike another go, we decided to use Tom’s method.

So, this morning we went to a park with a small grassy hill, set Wyatt at the top and let him roll down. Not only did it work, but it worked on his first try.

First.

Fucking.

Try.

Wyatt rolled down the little hill and just started pedaling. When Boone saw Wyatt doing it, he wanted to give it a go. Same result.

First.

Fucking.

Try.

They rode all over the park. Sure, there were a few wrecks, but that’s what the grass is for—softer landings. By the end of the outing, Wyatt had even mastered skidding.

This morning my kids couldn’t ride a bike. This afternoon, they can.

Now, I just need to master trash day.