Amy Fish's Blog, page 6

Three Unrelated Stories That Come Together At The End

1. Try the Door
When my sister and I were in High School our parents took us to France and Italy to see art and eat baguettes and cheese. We went to one museum that to the naked eye looked locked, abandoned and five minutes away from becoming a luxury condo development. There was no internet so we could not look up the opening hours. Instead, we stopped passers-by, all of whom said the museum was closed and had been for decades.

My dad was convinced it was open.

After attempting to enter the building eleven different ways, he insisted that we go around the back and "try the door."

The door was open.

He was right.

I have talked about this, blogged about it, it is mentioned in my first (purple) book, and I am bringing it up again today to tell you that "try the door" has become our family expression for "leave absolutely no stone unturned."

Even if a museum door looks like it's locked, you still have to go and try, because maybe your dad will be right and it will be open.

2. My College Roommate
I went to college and lived in a double room with a roommate I had never met.

Because there was no Facebook at the time, they sent us each other's home addresses in advance. I got a letter from my future roomie saying she was an aerobics instructor and went to an all-science high school. She wanted to be a cheerleader and sounded frankly a little perky.

I wrote her back that my hair was pink and yellow, and would probably be faded by the time school started. I was in a languages and literature stream and was thinking of learning Italian.

(It didn't sound like a love connection.)

Oh, was I wrong.

From the first day we walked into our sub-basement dorm room, and stacked her peach monogrammed towels next to my shredded rejects from the bottom of the linen closet, it was love at first sight. We lived together for all four years, walked down the aisle at each other's weddings and dried each other's tears over late night calls and texts.

3. Book News
I wrote a book called I WANTED FRIES WITH THAT: How to ask for what you want and get what you need and sold it to a publisher in California called New World Library. I am brand brand new to the publishing industry because my last book was published by my late uncle may he rest in peace and he took care of everything for me. The book is coming out in October, and yesterday I had a cover reveal party where I showed everyone what the cover looks like and I posted a million jillion pictures because I am so excited about it.

Bring it all home - options
1. College roommate went to museum and ate a baguette
2. Book publisher dyed hair pink and loved science school
3. Door to college dorm looked locked, but my dad was right

And what really happened:
Roomie saw cover reveal pics and decided to "try the door" and see if book could be pre-ordered. She was right, pre-order link is live as of right now and she was the absolute first person to order my book. It couldn't have happened more poetically if I tried. Well deserved honour, well appreciated friendship and here's the pre-order link for you:
CLICK HERE TO Pre-order my book.

Tip: How to Get the Best Table at a Spa

New Friend turning 50 and deserves Fancy Lunch.
Open app to make reservation at Fancy and no tables for 2 at 12:30 available.
No tables at 12, 12:15, 1pm or 1:30.
Reservations for 2 people not available on app.
Tell New to meet me at Fancy anyway, will figure something out.
Get there early.
Do you have a reservation?
No. There were no reservations available but I thought I would try my luck (smile).
Let me see what I can do (no smile).
Server wearing catsuit and mink eyelashes sees me to table and just as other server pulls out chair, a guy comes over and says. She had no reservation.
Mink says Yes but we have this table available.
Other guy says Without a reservation you can sit over here (less desirable part of Fancy restaurant).
Thank you I say. But there was no way to make a reservation because we are two people and the app doesn't take reservations for two.
Guy looks at me like I am dim witted.
That's right he says. The app doesn't take reservations for two. That's why you pick up the phone and call us to reserve your table for two.
Oh.
Never even occurred to me. App said No and I took No for an answer. No Questions Asked.
Pick up my coat and purse and slink over to less desirable section of restaurant which was still extremely Fancy and had a lovely time.

Couple of weeks later Someone Else is turning 40 and spa day is proposed. E-mail suggests that we book our own spa treatments and meet up after to chill and whatnot.
Open app to make reservation for river rock stone massage and no reservations are available for that day. No herbal wrap facials. No aromatherapy reiki sessions. Everything fully booked.
Oh, hey, I know this one.
Pick up phone and ask for reservation for exact time and date that I want. I say nothing to them about the app or possible lack of available reservations online.
They don't mention it either.
Sure, let me book you right in here, says chirpy voice and e-mail confirmation pings before goodbyes are said.

Soon after that, I miss important 45th birthday party and Friend deserves Fancy Lunch just the two of us.
Call Fancy and ask for hot stone seaweed wrap.
Just kidding.

Things to Remember:
1. Apps are convenient but sometimes they are liars.
2. Alexander Graham Bell went to a lot of trouble to make sure we could get tables for two and sometimes he is under-appreciated.
3. If all your friends have birthdays around the same time, you are going to live like a king briefly and spend the rest of the year at Tim Horton's.

Six Things About What Happened When My First Book Review Was Published

1. Cherry Broken: I have been reading since I cracked open my first Trixie Belden mystery when I was four, but this is my first ever published book review. Click here to read it.

2. Heart Broken: I was so excited for the review to come out but I almost missed it because my beloved (revered, adored) great uncle died in his sleep at the age of 93. Read more about him here.

3. Heart Singing: During that same week, my spectacular niece won the Governor General's Gold Medal for the highest marks in her graduating class of high school. This is unrelated but I have been working this achievement into every conversation because I am blown away.

4. Toronto: We were in Toronto for a basketball tournament and my daughter's team won the Gold. (Also working that into conversations.) While I was there I saw my cousin and while I was telling her about the book review, I realized how much she would like the book because cooking features heavily and she is a Cordon Bleu chef. It's on its way to her right now.

5. New Beginnings: Somewhere in this same week my sister left her old job and is starting a new amazing job which is related to the book review because my sister also reads books, also cooks a lot and the narrator of the book has a sister (I think she has two sisters, but all you really need is one).

6. Book Submitted: At the end of this very week (yesterday) I completed my own book and sent the first draft to the publisher. Chances are by next year at this time, someone will write their very first book review about my book. And post six things about it on their blog.

Deep. Dive. Into. What.

Problem Statement:  Going on vacation and have decided to be screen free for a week. This includes no kindle or iPad.

Acknowledgement: This is not a real problem.

My sister: Calls non-problems like these champagne problems.

Justification of Pressure: If pick a dud, will not be able to download something else.

Opinions: Brought this up with fellow writer yesterday who said: "I went screen-free for three weeks last summer and it was wonderful. I spent six months curating the most interesting list of..."

Oh: Leaving shortly and so far curation strategy has been wandering from bookshelf to bookshelf to see if there are any books lying around that I haven't read and that don't weigh a lot.

Roasted: "That isn't going to work," said fellow writer. "You need to take a deep dive."

Problem Statement #2 (Acknowledgment implied):  Deep Dive Into What.

Crime Books Would be Perfect for this But: If I'm going to deep dive into anything, it really should be non-fiction because I got to keep my head in the game (first draft of new book due Jan 15).

Also: Crime books weigh a ton.

Other Things That Swirled Around in My Head: Am listening to James Patterson Masterclass where he says that it's interesting to combine things from all different parts of your life and that's how you come up with the best plots. Before that, I listened to Malcolm Gladwell who says that Janet Malcolm is a writer's writer and that she takes deep dives into her topics and that he never understood why she is not a huge commercial success.

Doing the Math: James Patterson's advice to combine a bunch of thoughts (Fellow Writer's suggestion to deep dive + Malcolm Gladwell's recommendation for an author that deep dives) - Crime/Suspense/Thrillers = Problem Solved.

In Case You're Confused: Which means between inter-library loan and amazon I now have six books by Janet Malcolm in my hot little hands.

Also: Deep diving on vacation can mean different things to different people.

This Was Supposed To Be An Obituary

This Blog nearly died a tragic death today but CPR was administered by four local bloggers and a vat of tzaziki.
Blog was seen gasping for air and clutching a souvlaki pita until Blogger 1 stepped in and said “I will not let you perish!”Amy Fish, writer of the Blog attempted to defend herself with the statement “I haven’t written a word since May, I honestly thought she had passed away peacefully.”Onlookers believe that Fish has committed herself to a book and  has not devoted enough time and sunshine to the Blog. “I heard Amy got a book deal from New World Library in, California”said an onlooker who asked that her name not be used. Fish confirmed that she does have a book coming out November 2019  “I Wanted Fries With That: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need”, but she added “that’s not why I left the Blog behind, is anyone finishing that Greek Salad?”Local bloggers convinced Amy that the Blog was worth saving, even if she only contributes sporadically. They also suggested she skip the onions next lunch.
“What if you have something to say and the Blog is gone?” Insisted Blogger 2 quite loudly. “Then you won’t have a platform!”

The Blog was last seen passing out breath freshener and sticks of mint gum. 
She is grateful to be alive and thanks all the local Bloggers for their CPR, TLC and SEO.

Put Away Your Grapefruit Scented Bath Bombs and Your White Chocolate Kitkats

Here's what I want for Mother's Day this year:

I want you to talk to your kids about sex.

Reasons Why This Is Important:
1. Sex can be complicated and can get kids into trouble
2. If your kids get into trouble it will eventually become your problem
3. Lots of sex related issues are preventable with information
4. You have the information that can help your kids

Reasons This May Not Pertain To You:
1. Your kids are too old
2. Your kids are too young
3. You do not have kids

What To Do In Those Situations
1. Skip over today's blog and we'll catch you next time. Thanks for showing up.

Amount of People Who Have Told Me They Don't Have to Talk About Sex With Their Kids Because Their Kids Aren't Having Sex

Too many to countAmount of People Who I Think Are Dreaming in Technicolour May Be Underestimating Their Kids' Sexual Knowledge and Involvement100%Risk of Talking About Sex With Your Kids Even If They Are Not Currently EngagingZero risk. Information is always a good thing.
Suggested Sex Topics for Discussion With Examples

1. Condoms.

Idea for how to bring up the topic: Let's say your kid is older and going away for the summer. Bring packing list into room and say: "Condoms. Is that something I'm getting you or something you're getting yourself?" Supportive comments might include: "If you don't use a condom and get an STD your junk will burn and drip until you wish you were never born." Or, "Do you know where they need to swab to confirm an STD?" Then, shudder visibly for extra effect.2.  Morning After PillDepending on where you live this could have varying levels of complexity. Know the laws.Your kids should be aware that this exists and is designed for situations where condom breaks or where you accidentally forget to use one. They should know where to get it.Supportive comments might include: "You don't have to tell me all the gory details but if you or any of your friends need the Morning After Pill and you can't get it on your own I can help you."3. No.You are allowed to say no to sex. There is a video with tea that you might want to watch with them here.Or you can text it to them and tell them to watch it.You may want to quiz your kids on this topic for example: "What if you are in the middle of hooking up and you change your mind?" And the reverse: "What if someone changes their mind on you? Are they allowed?" Supportive comments might include: "It's your body and you can say No any time. If you ever need me to come and get you, call me. I won't ask any questions."4. Sex at PartiesIf you hook up or fool around or have sex with someone you only kinda know at a party, you are taking the following risks:The person might tell everyone your private business and you might be embarrassed (this includes taking potentially embarrassing pictures of you while you aren't paying attention and posting them even if you don't want them to)If you are a boy and have sex with a girl and she gets pregnant it's up to her whether or not she wants to continue with the pregnancy and keep the baby and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT ITIf you are hooking up with someone who is drunk and therefore can't consent to sex you might GET ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH ASSAULTYour kids need to know that this is riskySupportive questions might include: "If you get into trouble at a party, do you know how to get out of it?" "What if one of your friends needs help? Do you have a code or something so that you can call each other?" 5. HeteronormativityThis means acting like girls will only like boys and boys will only like girls. In fact, there is tons of variability here and there is really no reason to assume that your children will be heterosexual, cis gendered or binary. If you don't know what I'm talking about ask your kids.Therefore, when talking about dating and sex with them you may want to consider avoiding pronouns or using he or she or they. I personally get tripped up with they so unless someone asks me I find it easier to be vague. So here's an example. Instead of saying "Were there any cute boys at the party?" you may want to say "Anyone worth discussing at the party?" Or, if discussing sleepover rules, instead of saying "You can't have girls sleep over", you may want to say "No sleepovers with people you are dating."Complaint Tie-InsMany of us have complaints/issues re Mother's Day so I thought I'd create a diversionThis is the one day a year where your children are not allowed to complain about how annoying/embarrassing you are so I thought you could use this time wiselyRather than complain about the gifts I want like for example clean your rooms please and am not getting, I thought I would ask for a gift from you.And, in case you haven't figured it out yet, this post is actually my Mother's Day present to you! Happy Mother's Day

Civil Servant Job Security

(Click here to read yesterday's post so that this story makes sense)
Birth certificate, eligibility document, daughter T and I go to her new school for tour and registration.
Emerge two hours later with lots of information, excitement and long list of errands to complete.
Take a wrong turn and accidentally end up at Amy Schumer's new movie.
Turn phones off.
Emerge two hours later feeling pretty. 
Turn phones back on and have multiple messages, an insta DM  and a snapchat all from son G.
He is looking for his birth certificate.
(That's hilarious. He read my blog.)
He also needs his citizenship.
(Oh. Not joking. And clearly hasn't read it.)
He is finna (fixing to) get his SIN number (like SSN but Canadian) which he had and lost. He went to get another copy of his SIN number and the government office people said he needs his birth certificate and his citizenship even though he already registered for a SIN and it is in the government office computer. 
He came back home to get his birth certificate and citizenship and couldn't find them. I didn't answer my phone because I was laughing my head off in a suburban movieplex  in an important meeting. His stress did not de-escalate.
Potential new job calls and tells him they need his SIN by 4pm. Government office closes at 4pm. It is now 3:17.
Again, stress level not shrinking as clock ticks.
Luckily I know exactly where the documents are because I had them in my hand yesterday.
I tell him to look in gray folder on my desk.
He says it's not there.
I tell him to look in gray folder in my drawer.
He says it's not there.
G says. I just found a gray folder. The only thing in it is T's birth certificate.
That can't be possible. T's birth certificate, second copy and third extra copy are all in folder with me.
(If there's a fourth copy I don't want to know about it now).
I suggest FaceTime.
He hangs up.
Calls his girlfriend.
She says. No problem. I read your mother's blog. It says your documents are in a pink folder.
Oh hey G says. Here is my birth certificate. In a purple folder. Don't believe the blog. Mom makes everything up.
Lessons Learned:1. You wonder why there are such long lines at government offices. Now you know.2. Rules of Creative Non-Fiction include merging characters, timelines and locations but substituting pink for purple could actually cause a problem.3. Turning off your phone in movies not only prevents disturbing your neighbours but actually prevents you from being disturbed as well.

Why I Love Tim Horton's

I have three kids.

All of whom have birth certificates. (Or so you would think.)

Youngest daughter T is changing schools.

Had to be accepted academically.

Check.

Had to be accepted on athletic side.

Check.

Last step.

Have to make registration appointment.

Check.

Actual last step.

Have to show up to registration appointment with birth certificate and eligibility (Quebec thing).

Go to desk. Get out folder labelled Complaints Unresolved Bayshore Important Documents.

There is my birth certificate. Marriage document. Citizenship for G who was born in US. Birth certificate for B. Birth certificate for G.

Lovely but not helpful.

Clean desk using certified archeological tools and hazmat suit. Find nothing.

Go through 37 tote bags stuffed under desk the rest of the neatly labelled folders. Nothing.

Look at work.

Nope.

Give up.

Take out pen and write to do list including having to call new school and switch registration appointment because will have to re-order copy of birth certificate, which I already had to do due to losing it once before and having learned nothing have stored both copies together in file which is now missing.

Not looking forward to calling the school.

What do we do when we have a to do list ripe with items we would like to avoid?

Reach into bottom right hand filing cabinet to get Tim Horton's pod from Costco sized pod box. By the time I walk over to office kitchen, heat water, make coffee, wait till it cools enough to drink, I'll be able to call the sch- Wait, what's in that flamingo pink folder leaning against and marginally slipping under
the Tim Horton's Costco pod box?

Oh.

Here it is.

First birth certificate. Copy of birth certificate. Birth certificate. Eligibility.

Morals of the Story:
1. Tim Horton's Costco pods may be cheaper than buying in-store but the value they deliver is priceless
2. To do lists are valuable but not necessarily in the ways you would think
3. Keurig coffee makers may be bad for the environment but sometimes they can save your ass

Garbage IN, Garbage -

Get home and see that garbage has not been picked up from inside garbage can.
However.
There was an extra bag of garbage leaning against the dirt brown garbage bin in a yellow plastic bag that costs ten bucks and is only available at city hall. That bag has been picked up.
But the garbage inside the can is still inside the can.
Call City Hall.
Hi. My garbage was not picked up today.
Yes?
I need to have the garbage picked up because Jewish Holiday of Passover is around the corner and apart from not eating bread for a week we generate a lot of extra garbage.
Yes I know.  We will have an extra pick up on Friday because of the no-bread-eating-garbage-generating Holiday.
Excellent. But what about the garbage in the can now? I need it picked up today.
Was the garbage in the garbage can?
Yes. I just said that.
Was the garbage can closed?
Well, it couldn't close all the way because it was filled with, er, garbage.
Was the garbage sufficiently compressed?
Compressed? You mean did I push it down?
Yes. You need to push the garbage down.
Ok. Thank you.
(Go outside. Push garbage down so that lid closes.)
Call back City Hall.  I have pushed all my garbage down so now the can closes. 
Garbage is in can and can closes?  Are you sure you didn't press it down too much? If the garbage is too compressed we will not be able to pick it up. 
Complaint Tie-InsNow that we have Composting and Recycling to deal with, Garbage does not have a right to be so particularI feel like there's a Passover/Passing Over joke to be made here but I can't get the line rightThe expression "it's not rocket science" shall henceforth be replaced by "it's not garbage collection"

Canadians on Phones Not Drinking Coffee

Rainy gray weather with expectations of more snow cause thoughts to turn to piles of hot coffee.

(This may because am doing a two week detox with no access to coffee.)

Thoughts also turn to summer vacation and no time like the present to nail down annual beach vacation which includes a ferry reservation and they sell coffee on the boat.

Credit card declined.

Try again, maybe mistyped or forgot to check I ACCEPT box.

Declined.

Sip mint tea. Shed tear.

Try again, use Second Credit Card.

Declined.

Realize this may have happened before, tracing to Canadian Postal Codes which have letters in them and therefore are not recognized by Zip Code box.

Glance longingly at Travel Mug and call Customer Service.

Blah blah blah ferry reservation, blah blah declined, blah blah Canadian.

Oh, Hon. Customer Service says. I don't have access to those reservations yet. I will only have them on my computer as of January 30th. Till then, you can only book online.

But I can't book online. I have free healthcare.

Wish I can help ya. Maybe try typing in your Zip without the lettahs (best part of calling Massachussetts).

Try without lettahs.

No.

Sip mint tea again. Nine more days.

Try several more things that don't work.

Call Customer Service back.

Someone else answers the phone.

Blah blah blah ferry reservation blah blah declined blah blah Canadian. Is there a way around this?

Yeah, sure Hon. I'm going to sell you a Gift Cahd, and then you're going to use the Gift Cahd to pay for the reservation. How much is your reservation?

It disappeared while I was clicking around looking for your phone numbah, I mean, number. Should I call you back?

I'll hold while you find it.

Find it, type it in, get desired reservation, pay using Gift Cahd. Check, check, check.

Thank you to Customer Service Person Two for giving me excellent Customer Service.

Maybe if I call a third time someone will pour me a coffee.

Complaint Lessons Learned:

1. Sometimes Customer Service people actually want to give excellent customer service.
2. If you don't get what you want, you can call back and try again. Chances are you will get someone else who wants to help you.
3. If you are looking online for a two week detox, try to find one that's sponsored by someone who knows what they're doing.