Amy Fish's Blog, page 2
January 13, 2020
Out On A Limb: Part One
December 2018Write first ever book review for Hippocampus Magazine and submit approx 12 hours before piece is due. Turn off computer and take first ever digital/screen/social media break with no access to email or text for a week.
January 2019Return to world of screens to discover multiple emails/messages saying that file was never received or was impossible to open.
Deadline missed.
Heart sinks.
File then re-covered and re-sent, posted in Jan 2019 issue.
Problem solved.
Yet: left with lingering sense that have taken fantastic opportunity (book reviewer for a lit mag) and ruined it for myself, reputation will be forever destroyed and all future book reviews will be read through the lens of skepticism because personal credibility is now very much in question.
Realistically: no one cares.
Summer 2019Receive another book for book review for Hippocampus Magazine and it's called: "The Uncomfortable Confessions of a Preacher's Kid."Problem/Concern: I'm Jewish. Very Jewish. How will I relate to this book.On the Other Hand: That's why we/I read memoir. Obsessed Interesting to learn about other lives and walk in other shoes preferably shiny new sneakers.
Fall 2019Do nothing about this upcoming project. However leaving something to marinate in the back of your mind is not exactly the same as doing nothing because sometimes it takes (me) a while to come up with a solution/idea.
December 2019Read book. Have idea for review but know that it's a bit out there. Instead of straight book review will write it in Evangelical prayer form. Our Father, etc.
Write review.
Send it in weeks ahead of deadline.
Put in cover letter: I went out on a limb with this one. Please let me know if it's too much and I will write more normal version.
Also put in cover letter: I will be going screen-free for a week so I'm cc'ing my Husband here. Please let him know if there are any problems/issues/concerns re file so that we don't have a repeat performance of what happened last year even though I'm sure you don't remember but I am still recuperating and he will let me know.
December 2019Response from Hippo: Got review. All good. Happy New Year.
January 2020Hippocampus Magazine comes out.Book review is not in it.
Possible Explanations:1. Everyone remembers what happened last year and decided that if I'm going to be presumptuous and take screen breaks without being sure that my file was opened then I get what I deserve 2. Once my review was opened and read, it was deemed too horrible to even send a rejection letter and so someone else was assigned the book to do a more normal review3. Someone was offended about the Jewish/Evangelical thing and no one knows how to talk to me about it.
What Really Happened:Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you the rest of the story.
January 2019Return to world of screens to discover multiple emails/messages saying that file was never received or was impossible to open.
Deadline missed.
Heart sinks.
File then re-covered and re-sent, posted in Jan 2019 issue.
Problem solved.
Yet: left with lingering sense that have taken fantastic opportunity (book reviewer for a lit mag) and ruined it for myself, reputation will be forever destroyed and all future book reviews will be read through the lens of skepticism because personal credibility is now very much in question.
Realistically: no one cares.
Summer 2019Receive another book for book review for Hippocampus Magazine and it's called: "The Uncomfortable Confessions of a Preacher's Kid."Problem/Concern: I'm Jewish. Very Jewish. How will I relate to this book.On the Other Hand: That's why we/I read memoir. Obsessed Interesting to learn about other lives and walk in other shoes preferably shiny new sneakers.
Fall 2019Do nothing about this upcoming project. However leaving something to marinate in the back of your mind is not exactly the same as doing nothing because sometimes it takes (me) a while to come up with a solution/idea.
December 2019Read book. Have idea for review but know that it's a bit out there. Instead of straight book review will write it in Evangelical prayer form. Our Father, etc.
Write review.
Send it in weeks ahead of deadline.
Put in cover letter: I went out on a limb with this one. Please let me know if it's too much and I will write more normal version.
Also put in cover letter: I will be going screen-free for a week so I'm cc'ing my Husband here. Please let him know if there are any problems/issues/concerns re file so that we don't have a repeat performance of what happened last year even though I'm sure you don't remember but I am still recuperating and he will let me know.
December 2019Response from Hippo: Got review. All good. Happy New Year.
January 2020Hippocampus Magazine comes out.Book review is not in it.
Possible Explanations:1. Everyone remembers what happened last year and decided that if I'm going to be presumptuous and take screen breaks without being sure that my file was opened then I get what I deserve 2. Once my review was opened and read, it was deemed too horrible to even send a rejection letter and so someone else was assigned the book to do a more normal review3. Someone was offended about the Jewish/Evangelical thing and no one knows how to talk to me about it.
What Really Happened:Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you the rest of the story.
January 1, 2020
The Straw That (Part 3)
Let me catch you up to date.
First, if this is the first you're hearing about a straw debacle - check out parts one and deux here and here.
Here's the latest-
B's adorable girlfriend comes in and says she saw a package outside our house and picked it up for us before it could get stolen (by what are now called porch pirates - you're welcome).
A package? Hmmm. I think everything on sale in the Western Hemisphere I ordered has already arrived.
Wait, it's from the same people that inadvertently sent me those nesting straws. What do they want now?
Did you order something from them? Husband asks.
I don't think so, I say with all the conviction of someone who accidentally ordered face scrub from Spain.
I open the package and it's the same package of nesting straws.
No.
This can't be possible.
Check the packing slip, and yup, poor Amy Fish from Monroe Township loses her straws once again. In fact, according to the slip, these were sent URGENT and FOR QUICK DELIVERY.
Husband takes a closer look at the straws than I ever did and figures out that in fact they do come with a cleaning brush so let me print a retraction right here and say I'm sorry for the Ew.
I immediately pull out my phone and contact customer service, letting them know that once again, they have the wrong Amy Fish.
Just kidding.
We finish dinner and forget about the reusable nesting straws.
Three days elapse.
Oh right I forgot to deal with the straws.
Jump back on to website and chat box with same guy.
Try to explain what happened but he keeps referring to it as "my order".
I tell him this is the furthest thing from my order, I never asked for these straws, and if anything they are becoming the opposite of environmentally friendly as they continuously re-ship them incorrectly to not only the wrong person, but the wrong country.
(I am wondering what poor Amy Fish is using for straws while this all gets ironed out)
Chat box guy is stumped and told me he needs to research this further and get back to me.
Meanwhile I am seriously considering one of the following:
Moving to Monroe Township to see what other mail I can interceptChanging my name to Cardi B, I'm sure her online shopping is better than a few lousy strawsSending the straws to Amy at my own expense Using disposable straws as a lifetime protestThis story is probably not over, stay tuned.
First, if this is the first you're hearing about a straw debacle - check out parts one and deux here and here.
Here's the latest-
B's adorable girlfriend comes in and says she saw a package outside our house and picked it up for us before it could get stolen (by what are now called porch pirates - you're welcome).
A package? Hmmm. I think everything on sale in the Western Hemisphere I ordered has already arrived.
Wait, it's from the same people that inadvertently sent me those nesting straws. What do they want now?
Did you order something from them? Husband asks.
I don't think so, I say with all the conviction of someone who accidentally ordered face scrub from Spain.
I open the package and it's the same package of nesting straws.
No.
This can't be possible.
Check the packing slip, and yup, poor Amy Fish from Monroe Township loses her straws once again. In fact, according to the slip, these were sent URGENT and FOR QUICK DELIVERY.
Husband takes a closer look at the straws than I ever did and figures out that in fact they do come with a cleaning brush so let me print a retraction right here and say I'm sorry for the Ew.
I immediately pull out my phone and contact customer service, letting them know that once again, they have the wrong Amy Fish.
Just kidding.
We finish dinner and forget about the reusable nesting straws.
Three days elapse.
Oh right I forgot to deal with the straws.
Jump back on to website and chat box with same guy.
Try to explain what happened but he keeps referring to it as "my order".
I tell him this is the furthest thing from my order, I never asked for these straws, and if anything they are becoming the opposite of environmentally friendly as they continuously re-ship them incorrectly to not only the wrong person, but the wrong country.
(I am wondering what poor Amy Fish is using for straws while this all gets ironed out)
Chat box guy is stumped and told me he needs to research this further and get back to me.
Meanwhile I am seriously considering one of the following:
Moving to Monroe Township to see what other mail I can interceptChanging my name to Cardi B, I'm sure her online shopping is better than a few lousy strawsSending the straws to Amy at my own expense Using disposable straws as a lifetime protestThis story is probably not over, stay tuned.
December 18, 2019
Faster Than A Speeding Salad I Mean Bullet
Can not face making one more lunch so go to work with nothing.
Order $30 superfood salad for delivery which will come to approx 37 cents per kale leaf and 11 cents per pomegranate seed but worth every penny.
Order superfood right to my office door with suite number in the address and the notes.
Watch Delivery Guy pick up food and drive it to my office on the app.
Message: I am here.
Walk to office door.
He is not here.
Message Delivery Guy. You are not here. I am at the office and I don't see you.
No answer.
Get a message on the app: Delivery Guy tried to contact you and you did not respond. Your order will be cancelled.
WHAT? No way!
(What's worse than paying $30 for a delivery salad? Paying $30 for an undelivered delivery salad!)
Call Delivery Guy 850 times. He does not pick up.
Write on app: Where are you? I am here and I don't see you.
He does not respond.
Meanwhile, timer is ticking down on message Your order will be cancelled.
On app, can see car in front of building but looks like car is still moving.
Maybe he is in the office lobby.
Take elevator downstairs and lobby is completely empty. Ask security and they have seen nothing resembling a $30 superfood salad or a Delivery Guy.
Walk outside of building which is on very busy corner plus it's freezing to see if can identify Delivery Guy. Nope.
Go back on elevator, back to office, maybe I missed him.
Nope.
Call and message a few more times. Nothing.
Finally get message on app. I am here.
Ok, I write back. DO NOT MOVE. I will be right down to lobby to get superfood which at this point I am hoping comes with superpowers because I may need them. I am about 90 seconds away from Order will be cancelled.
Back on elevator, back down to lobby, back outside in balmy Montreal December.
Delivery runs across the street and hands me the bag. Sorry About That. He says. I got a ticket from the cops.
(Oh man, it is really not his day)
Here are my issues:I'm sorry he got a ticketNo one asked him to park illegally or make an illegal u-turn (In other words Who Knows Why he got a ticket)(However of course I still feel badly for him, but I don't feel responsible)Still it was wrong of him to report me as unresponsive when he was the one being non-responsive.
Grab salad, take elevator back up to office, open app and tell them what happened.
Ten minutes later, response: We are sorry your superfood salad was not delivered. We are refunding your order completely.
Here are my issues:I didn't say the order was cancelled, I said he was about to cancel meI don't deserve a full refund, I am three kale leaves away from finishing the damn thing(However if you aren't going to read my complaint correctly I can't be held responsible)(So thank you for picking up the tab)In conclusion:It's ok to feel badly for someone (like the driver getting a ticket) without feeling responsible for his actions. And, it's ok to report someone for something they did wrong (like saying I was not responsive and they should cancel my order) if there's a $30 salad at stake - or anything else that is dear to your heart. And, if you report the situation accurately and that moves someone to refund you completely, then it's ok to put the money in your virtual pocket and walk away. You can use it to buy another salad next week.
Order $30 superfood salad for delivery which will come to approx 37 cents per kale leaf and 11 cents per pomegranate seed but worth every penny.
Order superfood right to my office door with suite number in the address and the notes.
Watch Delivery Guy pick up food and drive it to my office on the app.
Message: I am here.
Walk to office door.
He is not here.
Message Delivery Guy. You are not here. I am at the office and I don't see you.
No answer.
Get a message on the app: Delivery Guy tried to contact you and you did not respond. Your order will be cancelled.
WHAT? No way!
(What's worse than paying $30 for a delivery salad? Paying $30 for an undelivered delivery salad!)
Call Delivery Guy 850 times. He does not pick up.
Write on app: Where are you? I am here and I don't see you.
He does not respond.
Meanwhile, timer is ticking down on message Your order will be cancelled.
On app, can see car in front of building but looks like car is still moving.
Maybe he is in the office lobby.
Take elevator downstairs and lobby is completely empty. Ask security and they have seen nothing resembling a $30 superfood salad or a Delivery Guy.
Walk outside of building which is on very busy corner plus it's freezing to see if can identify Delivery Guy. Nope.
Go back on elevator, back to office, maybe I missed him.
Nope.
Call and message a few more times. Nothing.
Finally get message on app. I am here.
Ok, I write back. DO NOT MOVE. I will be right down to lobby to get superfood which at this point I am hoping comes with superpowers because I may need them. I am about 90 seconds away from Order will be cancelled.
Back on elevator, back down to lobby, back outside in balmy Montreal December.
Delivery runs across the street and hands me the bag. Sorry About That. He says. I got a ticket from the cops.
(Oh man, it is really not his day)
Here are my issues:I'm sorry he got a ticketNo one asked him to park illegally or make an illegal u-turn (In other words Who Knows Why he got a ticket)(However of course I still feel badly for him, but I don't feel responsible)Still it was wrong of him to report me as unresponsive when he was the one being non-responsive.
Grab salad, take elevator back up to office, open app and tell them what happened.
Ten minutes later, response: We are sorry your superfood salad was not delivered. We are refunding your order completely.
Here are my issues:I didn't say the order was cancelled, I said he was about to cancel meI don't deserve a full refund, I am three kale leaves away from finishing the damn thing(However if you aren't going to read my complaint correctly I can't be held responsible)(So thank you for picking up the tab)In conclusion:It's ok to feel badly for someone (like the driver getting a ticket) without feeling responsible for his actions. And, it's ok to report someone for something they did wrong (like saying I was not responsive and they should cancel my order) if there's a $30 salad at stake - or anything else that is dear to your heart. And, if you report the situation accurately and that moves someone to refund you completely, then it's ok to put the money in your virtual pocket and walk away. You can use it to buy another salad next week.
December 13, 2019
Straw (Part Two)
Scour Instagram and Facebook Sniff around for clues about the other Amy Fish and come up empty.
But.
There is an email us and we will respond within 24 hours address on slip.
I take a picture of the address label to Amy Fish, Canada next to the packing sheet that says Amy Fish, Monroe Township.
I send it to the 24 hour help email saying I got a package I didn't order, I think you sent it to the wrong Amy Fish.
Then I go to sleep.
Wake up to an email saying:
As a Holiday Gift, Please Keep The Straws. We have already requested that a new package be sent to the original orderer.
Thoughts:
Why doesn't Amy Fish from Monroe Township dream bigger like for example a GG Marmont velvet shoulder bag in fuschiaObviously they were going to let me keep the straws, I could've not reported it and just put them in my pocket and walked awayI like that they tried to pass it off as a Holiday GiftI also like the use of the word Holiday Gift instead of Christmas Gift, very politically correctAlso:I still don't know how this happened and I never will. Isn't nice that there are just some unanswered questions in the universe.Lesson LearnedSometimes you need to complain on behalf of someone else even if you don't know them. If I would have said nothing, the web site might not have believed Amy Fish, Monroe Township when she said her package was never delivered. Or, if the straws were sent to Amy as a gift, she never would have received them and would have thought whoever sent them was a liar when they said How did you like the straws. Or, maybe they would have been mad at Amy Fish for not sending a thank you note when she never even got the gift or knew it existed. So basically, it's fair to say that my quick email to the company is instrumental in keeping families and friends together. You're welcome.
But.
There is an email us and we will respond within 24 hours address on slip.
I take a picture of the address label to Amy Fish, Canada next to the packing sheet that says Amy Fish, Monroe Township.
I send it to the 24 hour help email saying I got a package I didn't order, I think you sent it to the wrong Amy Fish.
Then I go to sleep.
Wake up to an email saying:
As a Holiday Gift, Please Keep The Straws. We have already requested that a new package be sent to the original orderer.
Thoughts:
Why doesn't Amy Fish from Monroe Township dream bigger like for example a GG Marmont velvet shoulder bag in fuschiaObviously they were going to let me keep the straws, I could've not reported it and just put them in my pocket and walked awayI like that they tried to pass it off as a Holiday GiftI also like the use of the word Holiday Gift instead of Christmas Gift, very politically correctAlso:I still don't know how this happened and I never will. Isn't nice that there are just some unanswered questions in the universe.Lesson LearnedSometimes you need to complain on behalf of someone else even if you don't know them. If I would have said nothing, the web site might not have believed Amy Fish, Monroe Township when she said her package was never delivered. Or, if the straws were sent to Amy as a gift, she never would have received them and would have thought whoever sent them was a liar when they said How did you like the straws. Or, maybe they would have been mad at Amy Fish for not sending a thank you note when she never even got the gift or knew it existed. So basically, it's fair to say that my quick email to the company is instrumental in keeping families and friends together. You're welcome.
December 12, 2019
The Straw That (Part One)
Not sure about you but have been shopping online more than strictly necessary saving lots of money over here.
For example ordered a suitcase online and specified that it be left at my front door if I'm not home.
Come home yesterday to small box on my desk.
Things That Run Through My Head
Please tell me I didn't order a mouse-sized suitcaseI have ordered so many things I don't even know what I ordered anymoreMaybe someone sent me a gift (hopeful)Or did I enter a yarn swap (also hopeful)Open box.Remove tons of packaging to reveal a miniature suitcase.Just kidding.Remove tons of packaging to reveal turquoise cylinder of aluminum, reusable nesting straws.
I Did Not Order These Straws For The Following Reasons
I already have a reusable straw on my keychain which comes with a cleaning brushThis set does not come with a cleaning brush so ewI still use plastic straws and I'm not afraid to admit itAlso I didn't see this onlineNow I need to check packing slip for clues.
Oh this is a new one.
Straws were ordered by Amy Fish, but the one in Monroe Township, not the one in Montreal.
Possible TheoriesAmy Fish of Monroe Township sent me straws for a presentAmy Fish of Monroe Township is coming to surprise me for the holidays and wants to make sure she has the right straws to sip fromThe packager was reading my book as they packed and sent it to me by mistakeThe database got their Amy Fishes mixed upWhat should I do now?
For example ordered a suitcase online and specified that it be left at my front door if I'm not home.
Come home yesterday to small box on my desk.
Things That Run Through My Head
Please tell me I didn't order a mouse-sized suitcaseI have ordered so many things I don't even know what I ordered anymoreMaybe someone sent me a gift (hopeful)Or did I enter a yarn swap (also hopeful)Open box.Remove tons of packaging to reveal a miniature suitcase.Just kidding.Remove tons of packaging to reveal turquoise cylinder of aluminum, reusable nesting straws.
I Did Not Order These Straws For The Following Reasons
I already have a reusable straw on my keychain which comes with a cleaning brushThis set does not come with a cleaning brush so ewI still use plastic straws and I'm not afraid to admit itAlso I didn't see this onlineNow I need to check packing slip for clues.
Oh this is a new one.
Straws were ordered by Amy Fish, but the one in Monroe Township, not the one in Montreal.
Possible TheoriesAmy Fish of Monroe Township sent me straws for a presentAmy Fish of Monroe Township is coming to surprise me for the holidays and wants to make sure she has the right straws to sip fromThe packager was reading my book as they packed and sent it to me by mistakeThe database got their Amy Fishes mixed upWhat should I do now?
December 10, 2019
No Such Thing As A Free Car Wash
BackgroundHave been doing a lot of interviews in conjunction with my new book. One question I get asked all the time is: Do you always complain effectively? Or is there ever a time where you don't complain, or you don't get what you want?
Background 2A couple a days ago I was interviewed for a podcast and the answer to a lot of the questions was: The blog. Complaint Department. I try to post every Monday. I write a piece of creative nonfiction, I guess you'd call it flash non fiction, on Mondays. Yeah, it requires discipline, but I find for my readers, they get used to looking out for my posts on Mondays.
ThereforeHere is a story about me not complaining effectively and not getting what I want. Also, today is Tuesday.
So:Car maintenance A16 needed. Appointment Monday morning 7:45am.Pull up at 7:52am, right on schedule.Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. Your car will be ready in about an hour maybe 45 minutes.In that case, I'll wait. Great. I'll mark a W on your page so that the guys in the back will know to move their you-know-whats. Would you like your car washed.No thank you. I have to get to work. Please just do the A16.Yes Ma'am that's not a problem. Thank you.
Pull book that I'm working on for book review out of my bag and get some reading in.Finish oat milk latte (brought from home, car dealership is nice but come on)Read more pages, call my sister, blah around on social.Oh.Almost two hours have elapsed.
Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. What Happened to My Car.Hmmm. He says. I think they may have taken it to get washed.I don't want my car washed.Yeah, I know. I'm not sure what happened. Let me look in the back.(Looks in the back)
Yup, they took your car to be washed. It will probably be a few more minutes.Well like how many minutes. I thought you said it would be about an hour.Yeah, it should be. But for some reason they thought it needed to be washed.
Senior Automotive Consultant looks up from his computer.I can see right here that you didn't want your car washed. I'm not sure what happened, but I also think we have a misunderstanding.Oh?Yes, you were here at what - 7:30am? The guys don't start working till 8am, so - ?Right. I get it. But I have to get to work and my car is -?
Junior goes in back to see where car is again.
Senior says I can close you out here as soon as they punch in the ticket.(I don't speak car dealership but I think he wants my credit card)I hope you aren't charging me for the car wash.No, no, ma'am that's entirely complementary. Thank you.
I will be late for work but at least I'll be driving a clean -
Is that my car?Yes Ma'am.And it was washed?No. It was in the queue for the car wash, but we took it out to give it back to you so that you wouldn't have to wait any longer.
In Conclusion1. You can ask to not get your car washed and still not get your car washed, but longer version.2. W on the work order can mean customer Waiting or could mean Wash car even when customer says not to (or it could mean What a Sucker)3. I somehow managed to wait an extra 90 minutes and STILL not benefit from a free car wash. How's that for ineffective complaining?
Background 2A couple a days ago I was interviewed for a podcast and the answer to a lot of the questions was: The blog. Complaint Department. I try to post every Monday. I write a piece of creative nonfiction, I guess you'd call it flash non fiction, on Mondays. Yeah, it requires discipline, but I find for my readers, they get used to looking out for my posts on Mondays.
ThereforeHere is a story about me not complaining effectively and not getting what I want. Also, today is Tuesday.
So:Car maintenance A16 needed. Appointment Monday morning 7:45am.Pull up at 7:52am, right on schedule.Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. Your car will be ready in about an hour maybe 45 minutes.In that case, I'll wait. Great. I'll mark a W on your page so that the guys in the back will know to move their you-know-whats. Would you like your car washed.No thank you. I have to get to work. Please just do the A16.Yes Ma'am that's not a problem. Thank you.
Pull book that I'm working on for book review out of my bag and get some reading in.Finish oat milk latte (brought from home, car dealership is nice but come on)Read more pages, call my sister, blah around on social.Oh.Almost two hours have elapsed.
Check in with Junior Automotive Consultant. What Happened to My Car.Hmmm. He says. I think they may have taken it to get washed.I don't want my car washed.Yeah, I know. I'm not sure what happened. Let me look in the back.(Looks in the back)
Yup, they took your car to be washed. It will probably be a few more minutes.Well like how many minutes. I thought you said it would be about an hour.Yeah, it should be. But for some reason they thought it needed to be washed.
Senior Automotive Consultant looks up from his computer.I can see right here that you didn't want your car washed. I'm not sure what happened, but I also think we have a misunderstanding.Oh?Yes, you were here at what - 7:30am? The guys don't start working till 8am, so - ?Right. I get it. But I have to get to work and my car is -?
Junior goes in back to see where car is again.
Senior says I can close you out here as soon as they punch in the ticket.(I don't speak car dealership but I think he wants my credit card)I hope you aren't charging me for the car wash.No, no, ma'am that's entirely complementary. Thank you.
I will be late for work but at least I'll be driving a clean -
Is that my car?Yes Ma'am.And it was washed?No. It was in the queue for the car wash, but we took it out to give it back to you so that you wouldn't have to wait any longer.
In Conclusion1. You can ask to not get your car washed and still not get your car washed, but longer version.2. W on the work order can mean customer Waiting or could mean Wash car even when customer says not to (or it could mean What a Sucker)3. I somehow managed to wait an extra 90 minutes and STILL not benefit from a free car wash. How's that for ineffective complaining?
December 2, 2019
I Can't Think Of A Title, How's This - When It Rains
Middle son G is 18. He wears shoes.
He pays for his own clothes and shoes because up until recently he had a job in an umbrella factory.
(Not really an umbrella factory, but inside joke for those who have read my Fries book.)
G needs sneakers for gym class which he remembers to bring with him but sadly forgets in the Uber.
I am driving him to school when he tells me the story. He is supposed to get there on his own but it is pelting rain and I guess I'm a sucker.
"This all happened yesterday?"
"Yeah. Mom don't worry though. They were very worn out."
"The ones with holes in the bottom?"
"Nah. Those are downstairs. These ones have holes on the sides."
(I guess you will have to find a new umbrella factory to work in/at)
We pull up to school.
Rain still coming down.
"Mom look."
I look through the window and catch a glimpse of worn out Vans, leaning gently against the chain link fence.
The Uber driver brought them back.
Lessons Learned:
1. If you spend all your money on Ubers, you will not be able to afford new shoes.
2. If you need shoes for gym class, hope for rain, your Mom might give you a lift and you will have job security working in an umbrella factory.
3. At first glance it seems like Uber driver was a saint for bringing the shoes back to school but if you can imagine teenage boy sneakers worn to holes and then left in the rain to soak and then left in the car to dry off we can speculate that perhaps the driver could no longer breathe and was longing for the fresh scent of pine air freshener.
He pays for his own clothes and shoes because up until recently he had a job in an umbrella factory.
(Not really an umbrella factory, but inside joke for those who have read my Fries book.)
G needs sneakers for gym class which he remembers to bring with him but sadly forgets in the Uber.
I am driving him to school when he tells me the story. He is supposed to get there on his own but it is pelting rain and I guess I'm a sucker.
"This all happened yesterday?"
"Yeah. Mom don't worry though. They were very worn out."
"The ones with holes in the bottom?"
"Nah. Those are downstairs. These ones have holes on the sides."
(I guess you will have to find a new umbrella factory to work in/at)
We pull up to school.
Rain still coming down.
"Mom look."
I look through the window and catch a glimpse of worn out Vans, leaning gently against the chain link fence.
The Uber driver brought them back.
Lessons Learned:
1. If you spend all your money on Ubers, you will not be able to afford new shoes.
2. If you need shoes for gym class, hope for rain, your Mom might give you a lift and you will have job security working in an umbrella factory.
3. At first glance it seems like Uber driver was a saint for bringing the shoes back to school but if you can imagine teenage boy sneakers worn to holes and then left in the rain to soak and then left in the car to dry off we can speculate that perhaps the driver could no longer breathe and was longing for the fresh scent of pine air freshener.
November 25, 2019
A Picture is Worth
Y's daughter is graduating from high school and sits for graduation pictures.
Order form comes.
Smallest package available is $270. Includes four wallet size and an 8x10.
Y figures that after all the time and effort (and cash) they have put into getting daughter this far, what's another 270 bucks. Plus there are grandparents each with a gaping hole in their wallets just waiting for this photo.
Package arrives.
Pics are blurry.
You're kidding.
(This is probably how phones with cameras got invented. A mom was so frustrated shelling out hundreds for school photos she probably figured it would be cheaper to create a smartphone and take the pics herself.)
Y does not want to accept mediocre photographs especially at highway robbery those prices.
Calls place.
Customer Service says: What Can I Do For You.
Y says: Blah blah daughter, blah blah pictures, Can you see the pictures from there?
Customer Service says: Wait a minute, I just have to load em up, my computer is so slow today - hold on - yes -
Y says: Well can you please look at the photographs and tell me - do they look blurry to you? I mean, you do this all day and you're the expert, I just wanted to get your opinion?
Customer Service says: Yeah, actually. They do look kind of blurry. We can absolutely sharpen the image from here and send them out.
Y: Oh, thank you so much, that's terrific.
Customer: Also, I noticed a little pimple on your daughter's chin and we can zap that right out and send these off to you today.
Lessons LearnedRely on the expertise of those around you.Everyone likes to be the hero, even Customer Service It seemed like a big ask - how would Customer Service be able to check if the photos Y received were blurry, and how would they be able to fix the problem remotely, but in the end it worked out better than Y ever dreamed.Customer Service and estheticians have more in common than you would think.
Order form comes.
Smallest package available is $270. Includes four wallet size and an 8x10.
Y figures that after all the time and effort (and cash) they have put into getting daughter this far, what's another 270 bucks. Plus there are grandparents each with a gaping hole in their wallets just waiting for this photo.
Package arrives.
Pics are blurry.
You're kidding.
(This is probably how phones with cameras got invented. A mom was so frustrated shelling out hundreds for school photos she probably figured it would be cheaper to create a smartphone and take the pics herself.)
Y does not want to accept mediocre photographs especially at highway robbery those prices.
Calls place.
Customer Service says: What Can I Do For You.
Y says: Blah blah daughter, blah blah pictures, Can you see the pictures from there?
Customer Service says: Wait a minute, I just have to load em up, my computer is so slow today - hold on - yes -
Y says: Well can you please look at the photographs and tell me - do they look blurry to you? I mean, you do this all day and you're the expert, I just wanted to get your opinion?
Customer Service says: Yeah, actually. They do look kind of blurry. We can absolutely sharpen the image from here and send them out.
Y: Oh, thank you so much, that's terrific.
Customer: Also, I noticed a little pimple on your daughter's chin and we can zap that right out and send these off to you today.
Lessons LearnedRely on the expertise of those around you.Everyone likes to be the hero, even Customer Service It seemed like a big ask - how would Customer Service be able to check if the photos Y received were blurry, and how would they be able to fix the problem remotely, but in the end it worked out better than Y ever dreamed.Customer Service and estheticians have more in common than you would think.
November 4, 2019
Things People Have Said To Me On The Book Tour So Far
I think you can read less from the book at your events.I think you could read more from the book at your events.You look way better in person. I had seen your pictures and I wasn't expecting you to look so - alive.I'm also going to write a book. Everyone tells me I should write a book.I ordered your book off amazon and it didn't come yet. Can you call them and get the book for me.I didn't realize you were so good at public speaking.You told me you were good at public speaking but I didn't believe you.You missed your calling. You should be a professional public speaker.Did you take a course on public speaking? Or did you read a book on how to do it?I think you are better with a small crowd, more intimate.I like your energy better with a big crowd, more fiery.I didn't buy your book, I didn't feel like waiting in line.How much money are you making for doing this?You're not getting the money? Then who is?
October 15, 2019
How to Get a Complete Refund
Daughter T playing in basketball tournament in Atlanta.
I am in France.
Basketball television network (not its real name) offers several subscription models all of which have free cancellation.
I take the $9.95 weekly figuring I will cancel after a week.
Sit on beautiful rattan bench in courtyard and watch games on my iPad marveling at the miracles that got me here, her there, and me able to see her play.
Cancel subscription.
Wake up the next morning thinking I don't trust these people 100% and log back onto site, go on to chat help desk and ask for confirmation that I correctly cancelled subscription.
Chat help desk person KAW says I have cancelled your subscription for you.
I have a weird feeling about this so I keep the email with the chat script.
Two and a half months elapse during which time I miss the repeated charges and pay the bill anyway have gone through my credit card statement with a fine tooth comb but somehow miss this repeated charge.
Get an email from Basketball television network about how much they miss me, how they notice I haven't logged on in a while and how they hope I'm OK.
Which is very thoughtful of them.
But.
I thought I already cancelled this subscription. And $9.95 weekly is not a negligible amount of money.
Log back on to site and click on chat help desk.
Tell LBJ that I cancelled subscription on July 30th at 3:56pm.
LBJ says. I'm really sorry about that. Let me refund you completely and right now. Email confirmations will be sent to you immediately and expect a credit on your card within the next few days.
Lessons Learned
1. If you cancel a subscription, you still may get charged for it so be careful.
2. If your credit card gets charged incorrectly and you inadvertently pay the bill, you can still go back and get a refund.
3. If the only way to communicate with this website is over chat, don't despair, you may still be able to get what you want.
4. If your daughter tells you that under no circumstances does she want you to watch her game, and you go all the way to France to feign nonchalance, Basketball television network will help you outsmart even the wiliest teenager.
I am in France.
Basketball television network (not its real name) offers several subscription models all of which have free cancellation.
I take the $9.95 weekly figuring I will cancel after a week.
Sit on beautiful rattan bench in courtyard and watch games on my iPad marveling at the miracles that got me here, her there, and me able to see her play.
Cancel subscription.
Wake up the next morning thinking I don't trust these people 100% and log back onto site, go on to chat help desk and ask for confirmation that I correctly cancelled subscription.
Chat help desk person KAW says I have cancelled your subscription for you.
I have a weird feeling about this so I keep the email with the chat script.
Two and a half months elapse during which time I miss the repeated charges and pay the bill anyway have gone through my credit card statement with a fine tooth comb but somehow miss this repeated charge.
Get an email from Basketball television network about how much they miss me, how they notice I haven't logged on in a while and how they hope I'm OK.
Which is very thoughtful of them.
But.
I thought I already cancelled this subscription. And $9.95 weekly is not a negligible amount of money.
Log back on to site and click on chat help desk.
Tell LBJ that I cancelled subscription on July 30th at 3:56pm.
LBJ says. I'm really sorry about that. Let me refund you completely and right now. Email confirmations will be sent to you immediately and expect a credit on your card within the next few days.
Lessons Learned
1. If you cancel a subscription, you still may get charged for it so be careful.
2. If your credit card gets charged incorrectly and you inadvertently pay the bill, you can still go back and get a refund.
3. If the only way to communicate with this website is over chat, don't despair, you may still be able to get what you want.
4. If your daughter tells you that under no circumstances does she want you to watch her game, and you go all the way to France to feign nonchalance, Basketball television network will help you outsmart even the wiliest teenager.
