Amy Fish's Blog, page 5

Not: A Tale of Three Ubers

1. I Am Not Gina
I walk out of the train station onto a busy street. I see my Uber in a black Camry.
I get in and he takes a left, and says Just to confirm, you're going to Northern Ave?
I'm like No, I'm going to -  Shit. Did I put in the wrong -
Wait. He says. You are Gina?
(I am Not Gina.)
I burst out laughing, he chuckles politely and pulls over to the curb.
Thank you for not killing me! I shout as I grab my bag from the trunk.

2.  I Am Not Learning My Lesson
Later that same night I walk out of the hotel and my Uber is waiting for me in a white GMC.
I get in the back seat.
Who are you looking for? I ask because now I'm getting smart.
Guy turns around.
I'm not an Uber he says.
Oh my g-d I'm so sorry. I got into some guy's car and he is not even an Uber driver.
I jump out faster than you can say Check the license plate next time.

3. I Am Not The Only Tim Horton's Fan
I check the license plate before I get in.
I was upgraded to a Lexus due to availability.
I tell Uber driver about my inability to correctly identify a moving vehicle misadventures.
You think you have problems he says.
This morning I picked up a girl from Texas who missed her flight home, couldn't find her friends, had no data plan, packed only summer clothes and was severely hung over.
(Oh man that does not sound good.)
What did you do with her?
I drove her around for about 20 minutes.
And then?
I let her use my phone.
And then?
She still couldn't find her friends.
So then?
I did the only thing I could think of
Which was?
I dropped her off at a Tim Horton's and wished her luck.

We Try Harder

J rents a car at the airport.

Drives to meeting. Parks in empty lot. Has meeting. Walks through empty lot and gets back into car.

Drives back to airport and drops off car. Does not even stop for frozen custard which seems like a pity because when in Rome. Although in Rome it would probably be gelato or sticks of dripping fruit. But here, it's frozen custard. Which he doesn't stop for.

Gets call from rental agency.

Car has ding on left side near bumper.

Uh-huh.

And we blame you.

It wasn't me. I drove to meeting, parked in empty lot and drove back to airport. To be honest, I didn't even stop for frozen custard.

Well there is no note on the file that there was a ding on left side near bumper. It is not displayed on the pre-rental inspection sheet.

Uh-huh.

And we blame you. You owe us $1500.

It wasn't me. I will not be paying for damage I didn't do.  I understand that this wasn't caught on pre-rental inspection. Guess someone screwed up. I didn't ding the car.

(Six months of emails, phone calls and repetitive conversations).

Hi, this is the Collections Department of the Car Rental.  You owe $1500.

No I don't.

Yes. You rented car on such and such date. Car was returned. Ding was discovered on left side near bumper. It says here you didn't even stop for a frozen custard.

I understand all of that. However. I did not ding car and I will not be paying $1500.

But the car was returned with a ding. And you were the last person to drive it.

J has an idea. He says to Collections: How about if you check who had the car before me? Maybe their pre-rental inspection was more thorough and the ding was caught.

Good idea. Collections verifies pre-person's pre-rental and calls back. No luck. The ding did not appear on the previous person's rental. However, the record does show that they stopped for a cone of butter brickle.

J has another idea. Look. He says to Collections. I travel a lot for business. For the past 14 years I have exclusively used your car rental company. If you look in my past records, you will see that three years ago I was in an accident with your car and I took responsibility and paid what I owed. In this case I owe nothing.

In fact. Why don't you look up how much I have spent with your company? You will see what a loyal customer I am. You will see that I rent cars from you all the time. I go directly to my destination and then back to the airport. I am very straightforward. If you continue to harass me about this $1500 that I don't owe, I will never rent from you again.

Thirty minutes later, Collections calls back.

Hi Mr. J. It's Collections we have decided to waive the fee thank you for your business goodbye.

What J Thinks the Key Complaint Lesson Is
1. J thinks that the main point is that he changed the conversation. What was initially an argument over $1500 in damages that are probably paid for by Car Rental Insurance, became a conversation about $6000 or more in annual revenue generated by J's business travel.

What I Think the Key Complaint Lesson(s) Is (Are)
1. If you are a loyal customer, mention it during your negotiation it will give you leverage.
2. If you are really willing to stop doing business with the company, mention it during your negotiation, it will give you leverage.
3. J knew his limits and what he was willing to pay so he held strong during all the back and forth.
4. Sometimes if you refuse to pay an unfair charge, the issue will get escalated on their end until the person who calls you is authorized to negotiate or in this case waive the fee entirely.
5. Frozen custard while definitely worth the detour can be a distraction from the greater issues.

Books I Haven't Read Yet But Am Recommending Anyway

Books I Heard About at the Writing Conference I Just Went to, List Leans Non-Fiction, By Which I Mean All Non-Fiction Except One

The Lie: A Memoir of Two Marriages, Catfishing & Coming Out
Blood & Ivy: The 1849 Murder that Scandalized Harvard 
Immunotherapy and the Race to Cure Cancer
Lost Girls
Kickflip Boys: A Memoir of Freedom, Rebellion, and the Chaos of Fatherhood (I heard this guy twice and then Instagrammed him like a fangirl because his book looks so amazing)
To the Bridge: A True Story of Motherhood and Murder (If you are like me and judge a book by it's cover, this is your moment, in other words, jaw-dropping cover)
Love and Trouble: A Midlife Reckoning
Fruit Geode (Poetry, but in a good way)
Bad Jews and Other Stories
First Impulse (True Crime in the Phillipines)
I'll be Gone by Dark: One Woman's Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer
Fact of a Body: A Murder and A Memoir (Embarrassed that I haven't read this yet, everyone keeps recommending it to me)
All the Agents and Saints: Dispatches from the US Borderlands
Jane: A Murder
Chernobyl The Incredible True Story of the World's Worst Nuclear Disaster
Leaving Tinkertown ( I could never read this because it's about Alzheimer's but the author was friendly and she hugged me.I'm sure it will be a good read)
The Possibility of Everything: A Memoir
The Lost Chapters: Finding Recovery and Renewal One Book at a Time
The Art of MIsdiagnosis: Surving my Mother's Suicide
Red Clocks: A Novel

Books That Were Mentioned In The Documentary I Watched On The Flight Home
The Sports Gene
Out of Our Minds: The Power of Being Creative
The Late Show (Mystery)

Issues on a Monday

I had a blog post prepared to go this morning including a zippy graphic
Accidentally pressed delete instead of post
Couldn't figure out how to get it back
Went in my browser history and found it (see, nothing really ever gets deleted from the internet, tell your kids/nephews/nieces/neighbors)
but couldn't get it to repost
Copied into blank document, copied back into blog
Doesn't look right
Read it over to make sure still like it
Hated it
Changed a bunch of things
Font still off, list not numbered, one section is gray
Then decided it's not the best story for today because:
1. It has nothing to do with April Fool's Day
2. It has nothing to do with the writing conference I just spent 72 hours at
3. It's generally on my nerves
At that point Husband called. I picked up breakfast and coffee for you, I will drop it off in five minutes.
Oh. Monday is looking up.

Why this story accurately reflects writing, and if you think about it, life:
Sometimes you plan something and it doesn't really work outEven if you tinker with it, sometimes it just doesn't feel rightYou probably should listen to your gutIt's ok to lean on loved ones for support (and breakfast)An act of kindness can change someone's whole outlookThere a few problems a fresh cup of coffee can't solve

Don't Judge A

Party at our place and kids are welcome to invite a few friends.
Several guests show up ages 14-16.
No one appears outwardly sketchy but then again I hung out at the Thunderdome summer of 87.
Um I find that one girl kinda a bit um, well, she is wearing a full backpack in the house.
Are you sure it's not a purse.
Yeah I'm sure. She's also carrying a purse.  That is definitely a matching backpack and it is not coming off.
Chips, soda, pizza, veg platter.
Backpack still on.
Possible theories:1. She is smuggling diamonds and signed a blood oath with the big boss not to let the backpack out of her sight.
2. There is alcohol stashed in the backpack and she doesn't want the adults to see it and take it away.
3. There is alcohol stashed in the backpack and she doesn't want the adults anyone else to drink it.
4. There are drugs stashed in the backpack and she's afraid that one of our dogs has a powerful snout. (We don't have dogs so this might be the least likely theory.)
Ice cream, cake, fruit skewers served.
Backpack still on.
Do you think we should say something?
Like what. I tried Can I Take Your Coat and it didn't work. Neither did Take Your Backpack Off and Stay Awhile.
Blah blah blah with other guests and notice crowd is gathering around Backpack girl on the staircase.
Slowly back up to where I can fully spycasually see what's up.
She is unzipping the backpack.
Other kids are leaning in.
Is that a diamond glinting in her hand? Was that the winning theory?
No. 
The light is reflecting off the shiny gold wrapping paper. 
What the?
Backpack is pulling wrapped gifts out of the, er, backpack and handing them to the other guests ages 14-16. 
A snow globe.
Calendar.
Toblerone.
Huh. Guess things have changed since the Thunderdome.
Lessons Learned1 Don't judge a book by it's cover unless it's my book cover which I love so feel free to judge me by itand don't judge a Backpack when you don't know what's inside it.2  On the other hand Backpack might have a false bottom to hide the diamonds.3 Like I said, Don't Judge.

Like Thanksgiving. But Green.

My grandmother Freda was born on March 17 1912. She had three kids, one of whom was born on March 17 1950, Maxwell Rubin, also known as my Uncle Mattie.

As you can imagine. St. Patrick's Day was celebrated religiously by my mother's family. We got together in our best green shirts, and green necklaces. We drank from green cups, sang Happy Birthday and wished each other a Happy St. Patrick's Day. We didn't always celebrate Passover together. We may not have made it to Yom Kippur. But g-d dam it, St. Patrick's Day was written in blarney stone.

I was 25 years old when someone told me St. Patrick's Day was about drinking beer. Until then I thought it was for families. Like Thanksgiving. But Green.

It is now 2005 and I am pregnant with my third. She is due mid-April and I have a C-section scheduled for April 3.

March 17 I wake up in the morning and I am not feeling 100%. I speak to my friend D who is living in Ireland and about to go to the St. Patrick's Day Parade which as you can imagine is huge over there.

Maybe you'll have the baby today she says.

Haha. I say. What are the chances. That would be the third St. Patrick's Day baby in my family. Maybe I should name her Clover. It will never happen.

Eight hours later, I am holding my baby girl, Liberty Esther, born on March 17, 2005.

St. Patrick's Day continues its reign as number one holiday for my mother's side. Family dinner. Birthday cake. Green socks, green hoodies, celebratory Old Navy T-shirts. Remember. We are Jews. Trace our roots to Eastern Europe. There is not a drop of Irish blood anywhere.

Now. My Uncle Mattie's daughter Alex is pregnant with her third. The baby is due March 13th.

Wouldn't it be great if it was born on March 17th she texts me.

OMG YES. I write back.

What are the chances though. Third baby coming late? I don't think so.

It is March 16 2019. Alex is in the hospital having her baby.

Kind of feeling like it would've been better if baby could hold out another few hours but at the same time we want them both healthy and happy.

Oh wait.

Not so fast.

It is March 17, 2019.

Baby did hold out.

Welcome to the club Felix James. Can't wait to meet you.

Jewish History In Three Eras

1. Ancient Egypt
Jews were slaves in Ancient Egypt. They were responsible for making giant bricks out of clay in the scorching hot sun and schlepping them around so that King Pharoah could put together cities like Pitom and Ramses and also build giant pyramids. The Pharoahs had all kinds of bad qualities but two that they are known for are: (a) making everyone work in the blazing desert including tiny babies and dear old grandmas, and (b) forcing the Jews to be taskmasters over each other. This means that one Jew had to supervise another Jewish group of workers even if it included his former hairdresser, accountant and sundial repair person. If the supervisor let anyone get away with anything, he was beaten even harder. The taskmasters learned right quick that they'd better listen up because they were not going to be able to escape the desert with a couple of broken kneecaps. This is widely known as very mean because not only did everyone have to work super hard, but they were expected to turn on each other. Ugly.

2. Holocaust
The Nazis had a lot to manage between the ghettos, the unethical science experiments and the death camps. Therefore, it only stands to reason that they would enlist the help of some imprisoned Jews to supervise the other Jews and make sure they didn't step out of line. This included all kinds of brutal jobs that I don't want to repeat here because I don't want you to have nightmares like I did when I learned about this in Grade Four, the point being is that skeletal Jews were hand-plucked from the lines to supervise other even more skeletal Jews and make sure they dug graves correctly etc. The supervisors may have received some perks for their work, such as extra broth, which makes matters even worse because their loyalty was called into question when they had no choice but to obey the Third Reich lest they be thrown into the mass graves themselves. The list of Nazi atrocities is so long that I can see why we had to start learning about it in Fourth Grade, decades later and I'm still not done. But. I do know that one of the worst things they did was force Jews to force other Jews to labor camps and worse. Unforgivable.

3. Last Tuesday
We have been on this tangent to remove Wi-Fi from our house during the day to discourage loafing around, but more importantly to encourage all family members to leave the house and be productive members of society. This started with me carrying the router in my purse all day until I broke it it mysteriously stopped working. I know there's an app to regulate WiFi, but my theory is if there's an app to supervise kids, there's an app to outsmart the parents (calculator, I'm looking at you) so my next step was to take the yellow wire with me everywhere. I get to work and realize that I forgot the wire at home. If I call now, I can catch 17 year old G before he leaves for class and ask him to remove the wire and hide it in my extensive yarn collection before his brother wakes up.

Oh.

10,000 Lakes, Minnows and Hard Liquor

Husband is flying to Minneapolis and plane can't land because too much snow so gets re-routed to Duluth.

Minnesota-Canada-February-Snow. Couldn't'a seen that coming.

Wait in Duluth for hours because airport doesn't have the capacity to de-plane volume of people currently on aircraft.

Ultimately, one of the airline staff coughs up a mini van (probably his carpool day) and starts ferrying people to gate, 13 at a time.

No idea when flight will be back in the air.

Husband looks all over smartphone for rental car which is having surge pricing, and finally finds one that is reasonable and has economy two-door available.

Airport staff says. If you walk out of the gate to get the car you will not be allowed to return to this gate. We are not letting people back through security so please make sure you are confident in your decision to drive the rest of the way instead of waiting for the plane to be ready and flying with us.

Husband walks through doors.

First credit card declined.

Rental says. If your credit card gets declined again, you will not be able to rent a car today. Our policy is that if a client has two declinations (?) they can not rent in the US for 24 hours.

Second attempt passes.

Husband gets in car and starts to drive from Duluth to Minneapolis despite the snow and reduced visibility.

Car is slow.

Changes lanes.

Car still slow.

Calls Rental Company. Oh yes, they say, you are the third or fourth person today to call us with this problem. Apparently the sensors on some of our cars are not working today. They think every snowflake is a quickly approaching vehicle and they automatically slow down.

Rental says. You have two options:
1. You can pull over and wait for a tow truck who will tow you all the way to Minneapolis and should be there in 90 minutes.
2. You can keep driving. I'm sure it will be fine.

Husband (who is normally the lovechild of Super Dave Osborne and Evil Knievel) chooses this moment to exercise caution and pulls over to a truck stop.

He is looking for Red Bull, pretzel rods, maybe some roasted but not salted cashews.

He looks to the back of the store, and sees there are no pretzels but there are bins of minnows, swimming around waiting to be used as bait.

He reaches into the freezer and almost touches a lump of frozen larvae, also bait, selling for $20.

Snacks may not happen today but at least there are drinks.

Not so fast.

Where is the Red Bull? The Fresca? The Mountain Dew?

All have been replaced by rows of 40 proof alcool. Perfect for a side of the road pit stop.

Lessons Learned
Car rental company and airline should spend more time watching Weather Channel so they know what to expect in February.Air travel between two snowbound locations in the dead of winter might have you wishing you brought your ice fishing gear.As long as you get from point M to point M safely,  the journey can be part of the fun especially if you come across live fish in aisle 3.What Happened In The End
Husband waited for tow truck for close to an hour, contemplated splitting a pizza with the clerk behind the counter and ultimately climbed back into rental car and (carefully) drove the rest of the way to Minneapolis where he spent a lovely and uneventful 24 hours before flying safely home.

Also on Worry List
Drinking, driving and ice fishing seem like a lethal combination. Hope everyone involved is using wisely and treading carefully.

Mom, What's a Boner?

Adults only dinner.
Grilled fish, polenta, black rice.

Conversation turns to local politics, art house films and whether the red is too oaky.
Just Kidding.
Conversation turns to our kids and whether or not they should be allowed to watch this movie, that TV show or the other youtube series.
Adult turns to me: We know you don't care about what your children watch.
That's not true;  I care deeply about what my children watch.

But you let them watch everything! So, obviously, you don't care!

Easy there, sailor.  Let's not confuse a No Censorship Policy with a complete lack of policy.
I have a very well thought out No Censorship Policy:  my kids can watch/read/listen to anything they want. I have marinated long and hard about this. Perhaps longer than you marinated the cod, if we are being honest.

From the time I watched 8-mile with my 8 year old, my children have always been allowed to watch whatever they want and if they don't understand what they are seeing, they can ask me questions.

They may ask why Anthony Michael Hall is sniffing panties.  They may ask why "fag" is a bad word, or why cigarette smoking used to be cool (or, and I blame Tom Cruise for this one -  "wait, he's paying her to be his girlfriend? Is that even legal?")
If there is something I don't want to talk about, my go-to lines are:
"That question is too personal.""You realize that I'm your mother?"Look it up."If I am worried that a movie might be too scary I say, "I am worried this movie might be too scary.  Or "too sad." Or "too confusing".

Fellow parents, I understand that this may not work for you.

You may not be ready to answer difficult questions.

Perhaps there are some conversations that you feel can wait until your kids are older.

I respect your decisions. Your children, your choice.

But please, don't think that letting my kids govern their own television watching means that I don't care what they are looking at.

Au contraire, my friend. Au contraire.

The Table is Cold

Went to all-inclusive resort with N and kids who had never been to an all-inclusive resort before.

Kids want to go snorkeling.

Ok. I say. We can go snorkeling. It's expensive though and you have to watch what the pamphlets say. I've been told it's twenty minutes away and been trapped in the back of a pickup truck held together by cinnamon Dentyne and guacamole for close to two hours.

That's fine says N. Plus I know you exaggerate. I'm sure the pickup truck was fine.

Look through three thousand eight hundred and twelve pages of snorkeling options provided by affiliated tours.

This one looks good says N.

It's only a few minutes away. It offers access to a beach hut with real bathrooms and showers. Bottled water. And full breakfast and lunch provided.

N. I say to her again, lovingly. I highly doubt that there are real bathrooms. I can't imagine that two real meals will be provided.

However.

I look at this like gambling. Throw your two hundred bucks on the roulette wheel and take your chances. Maybe there's a beach hut. I guess there could be bottled water. Let's see what happens.

Bus arrives at appointed hour, air conditioned as promised.

Fresh food served. Real bathrooms have doors that lock. Shower room is steamy and smells of eucalyptus.

I stand corrected.

Pile onto boat with snorkeling equipment and pile off boat to see marine life.

There is some lovely seaweed.

No fish.

Not a minnow. Not an eel.

Pile back into boat. Paddle to another location. Spit in goggles for maximum underwater visibility.

But there is nothing to see.

No fish. No turtles. No pretty coral.

Just some more seaweed swaying in the Seabreeze.

Repeat above until children get tired/restless/nauseous and adults get exhausted from swimming against the current.

Return to beautiful hut, take hot shower and enjoy fresh lunch.

Possible Lessons Learned

Marine life scared off by showers and buffet and prefer to congregate where things are a bit less upscale.90% of the time we worry about whether the showers will be hot and it turns out we don't even get to see any fish.Amenities can be exactly as promised yet headlining act can still fall short.Journey can be considered a success even if destination is a bit weak.