R.B. O'Brien's Blog, page 17

FALL Natalie's Edge 2

Well…

Fall, the second book in the Natalie’s Edge series, came out May 15th from Extasy Books and will be up on Amazon in about 10 days. I would love to hear from any of you who read it.

I felt like the beginning might be a little slow but of course the last chapter is a killer. I really struggled with that scene. Is it too much? Do you hate Michael? Should I have toned it down? I must admit: That scene was much harsher in its original draft. MUCH. Much to the urging of several editors, I softened it. In fact, that last scene was why some agents declined publishing it.

After all is said and done, I’ll share the original version with you…just to hear your opinion.

But the truth of the matter is that Michael has some demons. He is far from perfect and his story needs to be told. And THERE IS MORE. And Natalie? Some of you are still mad at her for cheating. Perhaps she needed to get her just desserts? Maybe she is discovering what she truly needs through it all. Sometimes, a little pain can bring about much pleasure.

So, please, let me know your thoughts, both good and bad, and tell me your favorite scene! I happen to like the night of the Halloween party. J

Redemption is due out at the end of the summer…if I can finally finish it. It’s so hard. Rebecca. The BDSM club. Lots of loose ends. Any ideas? Suggestions? Hopes? Let me know.

Happy Reading!

WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP I WANT

Hi all!

It’s been a while since I last blogged. Sorry about that. Here’s what’s been up:

Writing. Editing. Getting the final touches on Fall Natalie’s Edge 2. Final submission is due Monday. Yikes!

Falling in love.

 Falling out of love.

What a whirlwind it has been. I think I may have thought I was living in my novels!

Seriously. The relationship I was pursuing was intense. Insane. Full of passion and angst. Misunderstandings. Miscommunication. But man. It was alive! Full of energy and new ideas. It made me question myself and my life. What do I really want in a relationship? Here is what I concluded:

WHAT I WANT:

I want passion.

I want to be pushed to my limits.

I want trust and respect .

I want the sex to be hot and passionate and even unpredictable at times.

I want to be cared for.

ABOVE ALL, I want to be loved and understood.

WHAT I DON’T WANT:

I do not want a narcissist.

I do not want someone who is insensitive to my feelings.

I do not want to be walking on eggshells at every turn.

I do not want to be made to feel like I must be perfect.

I do not want someone who expects things of me that he is not willing to give.

AND! I do not want to mix fantasy with reality ever again.

My takeaway from all of this?

I’ll stick to writing tumultuous, passion-driven novels with flawed male characters like Michael L. Black. But in my real life, I’ll be sticking with my sweet, kind, and trust-worthy man. Angst be damned! I’m sick of the all the pain that comes with it.  How about you? What MUST your relationship have? What can you live without? Because as we know, nothing is perfect. Or is it?

Love. What is it? Infatuation? Obsession? Mere Lust?

Okay. I’ll admit it. I love Romeo and Juliet. It’s a timeless classic. I’m a sucker for any love story filled with passion and pain. Love at first sight, young love, first love. All that. I’m a romantic at heart. There is something beautiful in the upsweep of first falling in love or falling in love fast, spontaneously, unexpectedly. The “creek after thaw” as Linda Pastan writes in her poem, “Love Poem.”  That.

Perhaps that is why I had Natalie and Michael fall so quickly in love in the Natalie’s Edge series. They are both sort of lost. Unfulfilled. Knowing they’re missing out and yet not fully knowing. The sparks fly. The passion fuels. The lust explodes. And the love grows. But it doesn’t do so without pain. Without obstacles. Without some heartache. It’s fun to read, especially if it’s a romance, because romance, by definition, means a happy ending. But perhaps why Romeo and Juliet remains so universal and timeless is because it doesn’t fall into the constraints of romance. We all know: There is no happy ending in Romeo and Juliet.

And what about real life? What happens when you fall so fast for someone that it’s completely inexplicable? Unexpected? When something you always thought was mere fantasy, an illusion of the romance novel, now becomes real?  It happens to you.  You feel it. It happens within a blink of the eye. You know it’s real. Your body tells you it’s real. The constant thrumming of your heart, your body. The pitter-patter of pulsing excitement. The longing you feel when you’re not with or talking to that person.

And worse, what if it’s forbidden? Not acceptable?  The wrong time at the wrong place. Is there going to be a happy ending? Probably not.  As soon as it starts, it’s almost certain to end. That kind of feeling. That kind of passion. It takes its toll, doesn’t it? And now you find yourself in a sort of Romeo and Juliet of your very own. And it hurts. And it’s out of your control. And it’s no longer fun because you’re not reading it, you’re living it. You then ask yourself: Wait. Is this love or lust? Obsession? Infatuation? How do you know for sure?

Have you been in a love-at-first sight type of situation? Your own Romeo and Juliet? Do you live by the motto: Better to have lost at love than to have never loved at all? I have been there. Am there.  And I'm not sure which side of the fence I'm on. Is the pain worth it?

I’m still trying to figure that out. Would love to hear your stories! Share.

Writing with a Pseudonym

The life of a writer with a pseudonym…

Many of us who write erotica, erotic romance, or bdsm-related stories cannot reveal our real names. Some of us don’t even reveal anything even remotely real about ourselves at all. Let me tell you. It’s difficult and lonely.

I can’t connect with “real life” friends on Facebook or Tweet them my favorite event of the day, or share a review I got on my book. Because I teach, and just the nature of my life in general, people in my ‘circles’ would never believe I write what I write. Everyone I know knows that I write, but they will never know my books or my stories. It’s just not worth it to be judged like that. Never mind that I need my job and happen to love it.

But…I must write what I write or wither and perish altogether. It’s my only outlet to explore those things I can’t begin to understand or explore in real life. Again, I’ve blogged about my obsession with writing.

Before I published the Natalie’s Edge series, I didn’t have a Facebook page, couldn’t even fathom the concept of Twitter, and creating a website or blog? I used to pride myself a Luddite actually. The social media stuff just seemed to be asking for trouble in my line of profession.

Case and point: When I first starting teaching, I taught high school seniors, and I was just barely older than them. I certainly didn’t want to open any doors that were unnecessary. Some of the stereotypes are true. Boys are horny ALL THE TIME.  (And no. I do not find that fantasy exciting in the least bit. Sorry.) My very first year teaching, my name was written in the boys’ bathroom. “Teacher most wanted to fuck.” It didn’t turn me on. It made me really upset actually, even though I knew I was a good teacher. So social media? I didn’t want that kind of trouble.

So why do I tell you all of this? Because some of you are becoming a very real part of my life, in this crazy virtual world.  I’ve connected with many of you, could see myself having a beer or a glass of wine with a few of you (you know who you are!), and a part of me wishes everything didn’t have to be so secret. It’s much harder than I thought it would be.  I wish society was more open, more open to sex, to erotica, to writing taboo subjects. But presently, that is impossible. So I share my triumphs and failures with you. Thank you for letting me.

SILENT LUCIDITY MY RESPONSE TO COMMENTS SO FAR

Oh my. Where to begin with such great comments and feedback? So much to ponder and think about. I think I need a break from thinking. Teaching takes the starch right out of me. Next topic needs to be lighter for sure! Any suggestions?

I wish that it were easier to soul search…that maybe I had started that search earlier. It’s hard when you’ve always been a people-pleaser, the good child, daddy’s little girl. How do you “determine if your fantasies are just fantasies, dark desires, or actual needs”? Where do you even start? And where do you begin to explore deep desires when you’re in a committed relationship?

You don’t. And for Natalie, she didn’t seek it out either. It came to her, unexpectedly. It came to her without her even knowing she needed it. Lucky for Natalie. We should all be so lucky. Even if Michael can be an “entitled asshole,” he will help Natalie discover what she needs. And she may just discover that part of her needs are masochistic in nature.

And you’re right! The best books have infidelity and flawed characters we love or love to hate. Frankenstein. Lolita (a book I hid from my folks the first time I read it). God damn yes! Best books ever. The list is long.

What happens with erotica and romance is that it isn’t taken seriously. It’s not considered “literature” and quite frankly, most of it shouldn’t be. Right? I mean, let’s be honest. The “familiar tropes” cannot be tainted or obscured; there must be a happily ever after, for instance, in romance. And a lot of the erotica is just pap nonsense often for titillation purposes only. I’ve discussed this in an earlier blog.

But some of us don’t want that in our reading and certainly don’t want that in our writing. Take your book, Michael, Faith, Hope, and Charity. Familiar tropes? I think not. Worthy of literary note? I do believe so. I loved the science fiction elements of that novel, that Orwellian society, juxtaposed against the couple’s exploration of sexual taboos and desires. It was powerful and thought-provoking.

But to W.H. and your experiences with cheating in real life. Man, that’s not cool. I cheated once on my first boyfriend. I was only a freshman in high school. I kissed a senior boy. He was a football player. And he was also my brother’s friend, and I think I just did it to piss off my brother, truth be told! But it ruined my relationship with this boyfriend. Jealousy. Trust issues. Though we stayed together until he moved (then I dated his best friend for seven years! Blog for a different day for sure!), it was riddled with insecurity and power games that were built on distrust. I don’t think I’ve ever been cheated on (am I naïve—maybe), but it wouldn’t feel good if I thought I were happy in the relationship.

And perhaps that’s what it boils down to. Are we happy in our relationships? Should we be forced to be so unhappy? So unfulfilled sexually just to please some moral, man-made code? Again, I'm not condoning cheating. I agree with Devilsthorn in that it's selfish. But as another said, if you're cheating, something is missing. Why not find it? Because would you cheat if you were fulfilled?

Whether Natalie is weak-minded or a cheater...whether Michael is an asshole or egotistical, they are finding love together. Let’s let them have that journey in their FICTIONAL world.

SILENT LUCIDITY

For those of you who have read Temptation Natalie’s Edge, you’ll know what I’m referring to. For those who haven’t, you can still weigh in on your views regarding cheating in general.

When I first looked to publish the book, a few places rejected it but offered to publish it if I took out “that part,” stating: “Our readers don’t like cheating.”

I chose to keep the story intact. Maybe it was a mistake. Time will tell. And at the time, I didn’t really know why I felt so adamant about keeping it in there. I could have easily changed it, but something in the back of my mind kept saying, ”No. This is the story that came out. This is the story that Natalie wanted to tell.” Perhaps I was just being stubborn. But recently, I think I understand now what my subconscious was thinking as I wrote the less-than-perfect story of Michael and Natalie.

Okay. This isn’t easy for me…so let me take a deep breath. I realized something this week about sexual preferences and kinks. Not every one of us is the same. Not every one of us likes the same things in the bedroom. Not every one of us has a connection with BDSM or a desire to submit or to dominant or to be tied up or spanked or humiliated or whatever our kink might be. But those of us who do, probably didn’t always embrace it or admit it. Most of us probably hid it. Most of us probably still do. Wanting, craving…needing those things is not mainstream. It’s not “normal.” It’s not something you discuss with your friends or family while having dinner.

“Hey, Rita. I’d love to be tied up and teased until my head spins, until I feel like I can’t take anymore. I’d like to be left on the brink of orgasm and tortured until HE says when. How about you, Rita?”

No. We just don’t do that. So, some of us write. Some of us read.  Some of us try to make our vanilla relationships as “un” vanilla as our partners will let us. But for anyone who has to live like that, who can’t embrace who they really are, not just who they WANT to be, but who they ARE, who they NEED to be, knows that it can be a living nightmare of sadness, unfulfillment, unexplainable mood swings, and even depression. It’s a long life. It’s exhausting and difficult and yes, even painful. I call it living in silent lucidity, especially once you do discover what you need and who you are, but know you probably can never attain it, not in this life anyway.

I think Natalie symbolizes this struggle. She didn’t want to admit who she really is/was. She didn’t want to admit she had these kinks in her. She knew, deep down she knew, but she didn’t embrace it, accept it, want it. It took Michael, yes it took cheating, for her to discover just who she really is—okay, it takes three books, some pain, a damaged dude who is close from perfect—but it is her journey, her discovery.

I’m sick of people faulting her (a character let’s not forget) for trying to find happiness. Her boyfriend in the story cheats too. People cheat. Get over it. It’s not right, and I’m not condoning it, but it happens, and in this case, Natalie needed Michael. She was missing a piece of her. She couldn’t break up with Scott first, because she simply didn’t know who she was.

And for someone who just can’t understand what that feels like? I say to you: You are the luckiest person in the world.

What say you? Please. I’d love to know what you think—whether you’ve read the book or not.

Anais Nin and Other Influences

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I remember when I was first introduced to Anais Nin. I was taking a class in college entitled, "Feminist Perspectives on Society." It changed me forever.

On the second day of class, I raised my hand to comment on something, and I used the word 'girl' rather than 'woman.' I was ripped to shreds by many in the class. It made me question myself. It made me question who I was. And it especially made me question whether or not I was really a feminist or not, something I had always identified myself as.

When we began to read Anais Nin in the class, I found myself mesmerized. Excited. I realized I liked her ideas and philosophy, and I also realized that the idea of domination and submission was a huge turn on for me. Her writing sparked debate. It sparked arguments. And it sparked, in me, something I hadn't realized about myself. I embarked on a journey of erotic awakening and I never looked back. I still consider myself a feminist today.

Here is a snippet:

Anais Nin diary entry 1932
- “I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

What are your feelings about it? What opened you up to erotica and discovering your true self? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Why Do We Write Anyway?

Hi all,
Thanks for all the great comments I've been getting and for checking in, weighing in, and offering your thoughts. I thought I'd start writing a little more on this blog as I work through my Natalie's Edge Series and a few other projects.

The road has been rocky and not at all what I thought it would be when I decided to publish Natalie's Edge. I had been writing for Literotica for a while and thought, "This is crazy. I should try to make a little money off of my 'hobby'."  I'm sure you've all felt that way.  But what I'm learning is that writing cannot be a hobby if you actually want to make some kind of living out of it.

Writing is more like an obsession than a hobby for me and always has been. It won't just "go away." I have characters speaking to me constantly, ideas popping up at the absolute wrong times, and fantasies as well as realities dying to have their tales written. Sometimes, my characters write their stories, and I have no real control. I can go back and edit their stories, to 'appease' the people who might be offended, but then I lose the organic process that is writing for me. Of course I have an outline, a general sketch of where I think the story will go, the climax perhaps, but ultimately, once I get 'in the zone' and start to write, anything can happen, and I let it.

Maybe we all have darkness in us, deeply pushed down because of societal boundaries just dying to be expressed. Maybe it's pure fantasy when we write. Maybe it's the things we know we need to say but can't really say them in our normal crowds. Whatever it is, I can't stop writing my stories.

My tales will never be pure erotica. Never just smutty sex scenes full of ménage and unsafe sex and romps for titillation only. That's not my cup of tea and you won't find it from me. The mind. The psychological. That's what keeps my blood pumping.

So while my stories will never be sweet romances with perfect characters. They will always be romantic. Perhaps darkly so, but I can't help it. I'm a romantic at heart.

Where do you hope your characters will take you?

Hey guys! It's been a while. Question: What gets you really going, aka, horny? Be as graphic or as sweet as you like!

Opinion: I would love for you to read the excerpts from my New Adult novel, hopefully coming this summer, and my Dark Romance. Which do you like more? Both are close to being finished but I need to choose one to focus on. Any thoughts?