R.B. O'Brien's Blog, page 2

People need to listen more. And start talking less.

So many people are talking about the indie community of writers being volatile and destructive to one another right now. But it’s really not about writing or books or publishing. At all. It’s about politics and the state of the world, and the divide is large and strong and angry. My question to you is this: Should writers in the indie community be putting forth their political views? Does doing so incite angry responses, drama, and controversy? Of course it does. Does it mean they shouldn’t be able to voice their opinions freely and openly? After all, they are writers, aren’t they? They should be able to communicate their views with ease and grace and coherence, right?

I’m an Indie author. And trust me when I say that I have strong beliefs and opinions about the state of the world and politics. I happen to live a life deeply close and embedded in politics. But I am also fortunate (or not) that I don’t use my real name in my indie world. In my indie world, yes, I have views and thoughts and ideas related to all sorts of things other than poetry and romance and erotica, but I save much of it for me. Me in the flesh and blood world. Me the teacher. Me the activist. Me. Not R.B. O’Brien.

That is my own personal choice to split things that way. When it comes to politics, I care. I care a helluva lot. I care about all the issues I see people fighting and tearing each other apart over. I'm not saying people should remain silent about things that matter or things they care about. But I don’t bring it to my timeline or my author pages very often or at all. Why? Because I, personally, have other places to do so, where I’m not R.B., the romance writer, a place that makes more sense for it, a place, where, I know, for the most part, I can have healthy debate when necessary.

I’m not opposed to saying something when it’s necessary (like right now). But many people post things full-well knowing it will cause a ruckus, full of charged language. And then, they complain that people are getting angry and commenting on their posts with passion and fervor and volatility. It’s not that the indie community has gotten nasty or no longer support one another. I find so much strength in people here. It’s that the world is divided in a way that is almost impossible to bridge, and the indie writing community is just a microcosm of that. Morals. Treatment of others. Protests. Calls for peace. Calls for violence. It’s a mess. And no one seems to want to listen.

If you want to focus on the publication of your indie books and find support for it, perhaps remember what you’re here trying to promote and do. Just as I don’t want religious propaganda taking up my timeline or my inbox, so too do I not want political rhetoric that is infused with hidden agendas and veiled in hate or intolerance and far too often, ignorance. Maybe we need to start listening to people who live things we never will live ourselves, and therefore, can never fully understand. Maybe we need to stop defending our mistakes and admitting our wrongs. Maybe, we need to start reading history more, rather than writing our opinions about it as if history doesn’t exist. And maybe it’s time to become just a little more educated and empathetic, rather than being right.

Put down the pen for a bit, and instead, entertain the idea of opening up your mind. People need to listen more. And start talking less.

Goodbye Is A Feeling

Saying goodbye to someone or something you love is never easy. But it happens all the time in life. It doesn’t mean the love is gone. It just means it has changed or morphed or outgrown a heart’s size for myriad reasons. And for now, I am saying goodbye to something I love.

It is with a heavy heart that I am closing The Nu Romantics’ Facebook group. It doesn’t mean The Nu Romantics are completely disappearing. Not now. Maybe not ever. But there are reasons why I no longer could put all my time into supporting a group at the expense of myself. It sounds selfish saying that out loud, but if there’s one thing I’ve been taught from writing—writing of ANY kind-- is that when we stop being honest, we have nothing to say that’s meaningful.

I put my heart and soul into creating a group for writers and readers to come to explore and grow in a safe place. It was a place I got to fulfill so many of my creative urges. For anyone who knows me, they’ll tell you, my mind rarely shuts down. There is a creative side to me that’s almost a monster, gnawing at me, sometimes so voraciously, I completely lose myself. I’m constantly stopping to takes notes of ideas, writing, creating…and sadly, second guessing. I think a lot of us are like that. I’m not the exception.

Without getting into too many details, I don’t think people realize the extent of work that goes into making a really successful group, and I’m not a half-assed person, about anything, a curse and a blessing. Some do realize it. Some joined us on the administration staff, only to realize how much work and dedication was required. At the expense of my own work and projects, I continuously put NuR first. Trying new things. Inventing new posts to engage people in an almost 1000-person group by its end.

But I found when it came time for reciprocation, it just wasn’t there in the way I always dreamed. We, and our incredibly industrious PAs, were sharing and making graphics for people across all social platforms and commenting and encouraging people’s writing daily. We published two anthologies with no monetary compensation up front—collecting, editing, creating covers, editing, making graphics, editing (have I said editing?), and promoting and promoting and promoting. But The NuR family often remained silent during these times and the support only seemed to consist of a handful of people who really seemed to care or support those endeavors or understand the time and effort that goes into such things. To those people who were always there supporting the people in the group, and there are many, you are always a part of me and my growth and everyone else. And I thank you. You have marked me in the best possible way for life. That may sound bitter. It’s not. Please don’t take it that way. It’s a reality. NO ONE HAS MORE THAN 24 hours a day, that includes me and other admins. It’s not that people didn’t want to support (at least I hope so), it’s that none of us has that kind of time. We have lives. We have friends. We have families. We have lovers. We have full-time jobs. We write full-time too. A third full-time job? How? And yet, we admins were often expected to find time to support everyone all the time and when we didn’t, our inboxes would sometimes let us know.
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So after months of debating and fighting with myself, it was time to take a break. I want to be creative. I want time to write. I want to support others. I, too, want support. And so starts a new chapter of how to balance the idea of success with that of support, especially when I have new releases or takeovers, how to balance creativity and time, and how to balance expectations with reality. The state of affairs in the world right now, especially in the US, won’t allow me to live on some cloud in the sky anymore. There is shit to be done. Work to do. And until someone devises a way to make more than 24-hours in a day, the reallocation of priorities is mandatory. Goodbye isn’t a word. It’s a feeling. And sometimes, goodbye feels right, but it’s never without sadness.

We Can Learn A Lot from Bob Ross

I haven’t written a blog post in a long time! Writing a novel, editing the crap out of it, and publishing it is exhausting. And truth be told? I don’t know when/if I’ll be doing it again.

I decided this summer I’m going to do what I love for the sheer joy of it, not to try to sell things. I’m going to write and read…and yes, even PAINT. And I’m not an artist that way, not at all. The few classes I’ve taken at the MFA have gone virtual for now, and I’m not doing that. But I discovered someone old to many but very new to me. Mr. Bob Ross.

Now I know. I KNOW, “real” artists say he’s no good. No depth in his paintings. No real meaning or artistic value, except maybe in his sky or clouds. But you know what? I’m throwing my middle finger up at those people. The same things are often said about certain styles of poetry or erotic writing. There are all levels of all things, and Bob Ross did something magical.

He painted for the sheer joy of it. He shared simple techniques and color combinations and brush strokes for the everyday man who never in his wildest dreams thought of painting. Just watching and listening to him is a meditation. I can feel my heartbeat slow, my breathing deepen, and watch the world disappear into this 30-minute blissful surrender. Writing these blogs make me feel the same way. It’s a mental therapy of sorts. Whether anyone reads them or not makes little difference to me.

His style, though poo-poo’d generally speaking, puts one right into the landscape, takes the watcher along his journey into the mountains or oceans or trails or high into the sky or trees or deep into the brooks. And it’s no wonder his voice has become synonymous with the phenomenon known as ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response).( You can learn more ASMR by clicking this link if you’re unfamiliar. I find myself lost in his voice as he makes “happy” trees and tells us it’s our paintings and to do whatever we want with them…
The saddest part, for me was learning how young Bob Ross died, and further, that he didn’t make one damn dime off his paintings. Now? They go for 8,000 to 10,000 US dollars at auction houses. Not too bad for such a shitty painter, huh? Of course the art elite will say it’s because of his celebrity not his talent. I say? Thank you, Bob Ross. You’ve inspired me to try your technique. You’ve inspired me to buy some supplies, sit out in the sun this summer, and just…paint. Not for accolades. Not for money. Not to impress people with statements. But for pure joy.
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When I write—my poetry in particular—if I inspire one person to try free-verse poetry, which I’ve been told I have successfully done--then that is enough for me. I don’t need to sell it. There is something to be said for doing the things we love just because…they bring us some semblance of joy, or release, or surrender in the magic of the imagination. Do what makes your soul buoyant. Whether pen or paintbrush, tune out the static chatter of naysayers, and remember: “We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents.” ~Bob Ross

Why New Adult Romance?

We all have guilty pleasures. What is yours? Mine, of course, is reading...but why have I latched on to the New Adult genre? What has grabbed me about it, and why would I write such a tale now that I'm far removed from being a college-aged student myself?

It was a summer morning, and I had been binge reading on the  After  series (Are you familiar with it?) --you know that summer reading that you don't want to take too much time on or take too seriously?

I was at my family camp (which I'm sad to say I no longer have), sitting on the dock, remembering young love and all the angst that comes with it, from years right there on the dock to that present moment, right there reading. 

And when I went back to the cabin, it just poured out, and I became a college freshman all over again, a young, shy woman trying to find her way, discovering who she was, deciding who she wanted to be, a girl who had been involved with dance and theatre and music her whole life, like the characters who appear in the story and not, and the story just appeared in my mind.

I found myself going back there --to first loves and first times and self-discovery and heartbreak--and then the characters began to talk my ear off. Though fictional, the emotions were anything but. At its core, it's just a simple love story. But for anyone who has experienced the highs and lows of young love, you know: Love is never simple.

There is something moving about New Adult literature, and there is something especially moving about romance. It's the time in our lives we are realizing ourselves with the freedom that allows it. We have rights and privileges we dreamed of having, without the heavy weight of responsibility, especially if you are fortunate to go to college without having to work full-time. Your mind is open, your eyes are wide, and you feel that inexplicable optimism and hope that anything is possible. You believe in change. You believe in fighting the cause. And you believe in love. Education does that to a person; you're closer to reaching your dreams, even as you embrace your dreams shifting. 

And love--love seems to happen most when your heart is vulnerable and available to it. We've not, probably, loved so fully before or been able to understand ourselves enough to know love. It's a time in our lives where it's easier to give ourselves, because we're finally starting to know ourselves...

And so, Play Only For Me is a bit of that journey, two opposites, one a singer, one a guitarist, who try to find not only each other, but themselves. 

Thanks for being patient as I continue to write it. 

Why Are We So Obsessed with Sports?

There is a trend and debate right now about paying college athletes. The arguments are long and make sense—these college athletes are raking in the dough for their universities, and not seeing a dime they, and others, think they are “earning.” Many of the colleges have caved and decided it’s a good idea. After all, these players are working so hard around the clock to practice and play their games, they don’t have time to hold jobs. Without them, many argue, the institutions wouldn’t be making the money they are, so shouldn’t the players see some of it? Some colleges are saying yes. What say you?

The real issue lies in how much emphasis we put on sports in my opinion. And money. If that is what we, as a society, value, sports and money, it seems we’re lost. These athletes get free rides to education, including housing and food. Is that not enough? They say no, because they don’t have time to work, and their “fame” and popularity is what is driving the revenue.

But what about everyone else? What about the music or art or writing or dance student with no financial aid, who works minimum wage, and leaves in debt, because sports isn’t their thing? Many of the "arts" programs have very little in the way of scholarships. You don’t think their auditions and practices and performances are grueling outside of the classroom too? Okay. Maybe they’re not gonna literally “break a leg”  like an "athlete" might, but—yeah—sports isn’t so great on the body--or the head--for that matter. And if it's about the injury or the grueling hours that allow for no job outside that, then there are a helluva lot more students that should be getting paid. Dancers or actors or performers who get accepted into these BFA programs work their asses off too. And a dancer just might, indeed, break a leg. Not a sport, you say? Then you're clearly not a dancer. Yes. There are merit scholarships and need-based loans for others, but the real issue for me is how much people spend on sporting events and paraphernalia. How much sports, above other forms of entertainment, are valued. People won’t even go to college art show unless it’s free, and college drama or performances? Ticket sales are hardly expensive in the grand scheme. What people value. What they’re willing to spend their money on. That is what has me head scratching. We are a society that puts a game above everything else it seems, and certainly education. After all, if you're making money, you're a success.

Many argue that sports is a team-building endeavor. It builds camaraderie and loyalty to teammates. But a group of theatre students isn't? How is it any different? If money is the only driving force behind any passion, at what point does passion stop and greed reign? 

How about, instead, we value all kinds of student passion, level some of the playing fields, and put college education first, where it should be? Never gonna happen you say? You’re absolutely right, because money and success are the new passion. Or perhaps, it's never been anything more...and I’m just late…to the game.

Oh! The Things We Hide...Stop Apologizing for Being Human.

How many of you masturbate? Look at all those hands! LOL! Duh. We all do, don’t we? Seriously, is there anyone who doesn’t? Do you ever wonder why some things have become completely taboo to talk about or to admit? Can you think of other things we don’t admit or lie about? Where has all this denial come from? Religion, I think, would be the quick and fast (no not masturbation—you, dirty minds, you!!

What Gender Identity Means for Grammar...

Today I ponder gender identity. And what it means for the future. If you haven’t noticed, the world is changing, and hopefully, becoming more aware and accepting and tolerant. I work in a liberal environment, and in an establishment that recognizes this. It’s as natural as breathing where I live and function. But I realize it’s not so in other parts of our beloved country. And to me, that is tragic.

But I’m not asking about whether you believe in the changes. What I wonder is how the changing world is going to handle this in writing and in speaking. Having taught now for 7 years, I see the trends from when I first started teaching to now. As English teachers around the country used to cringe when pronouns didn’t match in number (one is he or she not they), in writing or public speaking, we’ve started to loosen our grip on those “rules.” While we’ve certainly learned a long time ago that “man” and “he” no longer apply to men AND women, it started to become cumbersome to ALWAYS have to write “he” or “she” or say “he” or “she.” We finally agreed—Okay. Okay. Use “they” if you must but change it to people or persons to match! And that can work…but it’s not. Trust me.
As colleges around the country (including mine) change with the times, now we allow students to tell us what pronouns they use. In fact, it’s the first thing we do at orientation days—hand out name tags and ask students to write their pronouns. And further, our class rosters, now allow students to have the names they’d like used, rather than the name they were given at birth (Records holds the “real” names for tax purposes, financial aid, and the like.) In addition, many emails from professors are also signed with the pronouns they’d like to go by or be addressed with. All fine. Great. Inclusive acceptance. But let’s face it. This is getting too wordy and a little ridiculous. Not because I don’t believe in the idea of it, the idea that people should be who they ARE, but that perhaps we need one pronoun. Period. Language morphs with civilizations. Surely, we could pick one pronoun for singular and one pronoun for plural? Couldn’t we?
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When I first started watching Billions, and Taylor used “they” and all forms of it to identify “their” non-binary gender (and none of the other actors/characters blinked when using it themselves)—I thought—yes! Brilliant. So why can’t we all? What difference does it make? It would take time. It might take work. But give it a few years…and—guess what? Just like words like tweets or selfie or binge-watching or photo bombing or a million others didn’t exist before, so, too, could this change. Rosemary O’Brien for president you say? LOL. Nah. Warren is on “their” way.

Should Art Be Free?

“He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.” ~ Socrates

Do you agree with this quote? Is this true for everyone? Is it human nature to never truly be satisfied? I wonder…are we always looking for…more?

In one of my classes the other day, a student bragged that she can get all her music at such and such a place for $5, that she needn’t buy the music, that the entire album could be gotten for this cost. She bragged of the money she was saving, and I asked her: “But what of the artist who created it? Shouldn’t they be compensated for the amount of work they put into it? For their art?” And she looked at me like I was crazy. “Who cares,” she said with a roll of her eyes.
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Ironically, in another conversation I overheard, a physics teacher discussed jobs vs. careers with one of his students, saying that many of the “great” scientists had “jobs” to pay the bills but did things in the arts, the things they loved, on the side to be fulfilled and happy.

Are, then, the arts and so forth, something that should be given away for free? Would we all be better off with “jobs,” contributing to society in a well-oiled kinda of way, the arts and music and writing be left to everyone to share with one another more freely? Would we all be happier this way? Of course, this is a more socialist way of thinking, but is money the only validation in life to success or happiness? Or is that only a capitalist's way of thinking?

And it got me thinking too, about selling books, the amount of time and effort that goes into it. Would I, personally, be happier taking all my books off the market, and simply sharing it freely, without the strain or stress of sales? Certainly, there are many writers who make a living off their writing, but the vast majority of us do not. I make, in a year, about what I can make teaching a couple courses. Should, then, the arts be something that is just freely given for the pure beauty of it?
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I’ve been at this racket for five years now, and some days, I really don’t know if it’s worth it. I’m fortunate that my “job” and my “career” of teaching lend itself to my creative side daily. But I’ve finally accepted that I’m a writer, that I am a poet. It’s a part of me, for better or worse. I do write for the pure joy…so why sell it then?

​And so, I look inward and ask myself what I asked you all above. With each small step to success, does it only make me want more? Does money, as a motivator, only lead to dissatisfaction? I suppose I’ll have to let you know when I’m famous beyond Papua New Guinea (inside joke—but those of you who have been following me for a while, may understand). For now, I try to find contentment with what I have.

There Needs to Be More Support in the Indie Community

There’s been a bit of…hmmmm…I’m not really sure what to call it. Nastiness? Drama? Controversy? Whatever you call it, I’m not being a part of it. Perhaps you’re wondering what I’m talking about? And I took a long time today deciding whether or not I should write about it. Am I just adding fire to the flames by writing my whole response this way? I don’t think so. I have every right to voice my opinion. And I believe there needs to be more support in the indie community rather than in-fighting. I'm tired of it.

Let me say this: If you’re an author/writer/poet, and you think putting down other authors publicly is fun, or you think you’re one hundred times better than other writers, or you can’t have a conversation or healthy debate about writing but turn to name-calling or worse, have others do it for you, I’m out. I’m not here to do that. I’m here to raise and lift others, write, share my work, and celebrate the written word with readers and fellow authors. If I don’t like another author’s writing, that’s that. I don’t read it. Or support it much or at all. (If it is abuse or something nefarious, that is different. I’m not talking about that.)

And if you enjoy being involved with authors who do that as a reader or as their fan club, and if I see you being a part of that or a leader of it, jumping on a bandwagon to verbally assault other authors, I’m out of there too. With that said, I believe authors should try to be as honest as they can, that if they say something is autobiographical it should be, and that they shouldn’t be passing things off as the gospel truth. Remember that book there that Oprah recommended? A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, the guy who said it was autobiographical when it wasn’t? Not cool. I agree. Go, Oprah. Glad he got his rear-end handed to him. But see how it came to the surface because of astute readers? Not some other author leading some kind of witch hunt? No one likes dishonesty or being fed a crockpot of lies. No one. But in this indie community, if readers can’t figure that out for themselves, it’s not my job to take care of it. That shit takes care of itself. Watching authors act like petulant and jealous competitors is not my jam. I like to stick with those who support others vying for a chance. I like the underdogs. I love the indie community and the authors I’ve met along the way with the same mentality. I have too much going on in my flesh and blood life to worry about people typing anonymously behind a screen, suddenly so brave, who believe it’s okay to attack and ridicule others. If we can’t have a conversation like adults, if you’re here to make waves to sell books, good luck drowning. I won’t be there to lend a preserver. I’ll be long gone by then.
 
Peace.
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By the Light of the Moon...

I saw a mood ring at Urban Outfitters the other day, and it reminded me of growing up and loving to wear those. I loved watching the colors change on my finger. I laughed at the outcome, and even as it wasn’t accurate, I still wanted to believe. What about the moon affecting your mood? Do you believe the moon has an effect on your behavior? We hear people say a lot—“Must be a full moon or something.” But is there truth in it?

In an article in BBC online this July by Linda Geddes, there seems to be a shift in people’s minds: “The idea that the lunar cycle can influence people’s behaviour dates back thousands of years, but has been largely dismissed by modern medicine…new research suggests there may be some truth to these ancient theories.”

In a study by psychologist, Thomas Wehr, studying bipolor patients, he was convinced there was something to it and even scientists couldn’t dispute the findings—that the mood swings of the bipolar patients corelated “with certain gravitation cycles of the Moon.” However, most attribute it to sleep, or lack thereof, which disrupts mood not the Moon itself or any mystical correlation. We need sleep. Without it, so much happens. Irritability. Weight gain. Health issues. Anxiety. Brain function. Concentration. And on and on and on. The science is firm there.

But the scientific naysayers still can’t deny that if sleep is interrupted by the moon, there is a connection. Is it a simple solution to get a thicker shade the night the moon may be strong? More curtains? Or is there something intrinsic really going on. Wehr thinks so. He states:
​“ ‘In the modern world, there’s so much light pollution and we spend so much time indoors exposed to artificial light, that the signal of the changing levels of moonlight has been obscured,’ he explains. Rather, he suspects that some other aspect of lunar influence is perturbing his patients’ sleep, with knock-on consequences for their mood – with the most likely candidate being the Moon’s gravitational pull.” So much cannot be understood and so many people want answers. The studies, the science, the psychology can’t seem to agree definitively. Are there really any answers to be had at all? What about those of us who aren’t bipolar? Why can no conclusive evidence be found for us?

I’m curious. And so, this month, I’ve tasked myself with keeping a journal, starting on the Full Moon phase of Friday, the 13th. Each day, I want to see if I notice anything. If I’m affected. If my mood swings or not. If I’m more sensitive or in tune or emotional…

Though it won’t be anything but anecdotal evidence, at least I know, I can write about it at night by the light of the moon.