Arlene Manocot's Blog, page 19

He found me when I was loosing myself (Part 2)

I stayed at home for a week and didn't come to school. I didn't care if there would be nothing left in my salary. I just didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to teach. My thought was what's the point of doing all these when I would just die. Everyone would just die. Why even try to live if pain was the only thing you can get out of living a temporal life on earth... might as well die. Physical death is gaining freedom. I was also ready to cut ties from my work. I prepared my resignation letter. I only needed to submit it. My mother allowed me to resign in one condition, and that was I can apply for other jobs except for teaching because I really, really didn't want to teach anymore. I might as well be a domestic helper abroad somewhere in middle east instead of teaching.

That's why I applied online to be a DH. I went to a recruiting agency somewhere in Quezon City. I had my agent, she was excited to send me abroad. She even held my passport just to be sure. But as always, it didn't go the way I planned it. My recruiter told me that I needed to renew my passport even though it was still six months before its expiration. She even asked me to entrust her the passport, and that she would be the one to renew the passport. I didn't like the idea. I was suspicious that she might do something illegal with my passport. I retrieved my passport from her and decided to go home. So I went home defeated, and again, failed with my plans. I guess I really don't have the guts to be a domestic helper. I was a coward, again, more so indecisive, confused in this world I badly wanted to get rid off.

I was absent for a week, and thought the I would be dismissed from my job because of my AWOL (Absence Without Leave). Some of my co-workers were asking me if I was alright or what happened to me, but I didn't have the courage to tell them what I was going through. They never got a decent answer from me and I never wanted to talk to anybody during those times. Everyone was a toxic person for me, except for a few sincere persons who had been patient to me. I was grateful to them.

I tried to return to school after a week since I failed in getting a job abroad. But returning to school didn't go well, it was a disaster. I was a subject coordinator and had to attend meetings with my superiors. Some of them had sharp tongue. Reckless and tactless. I was super sensitive during those time. There was a time when I burst out crying during one of the meetings, in front of my co-teachers in the principal's office. My tears wouldn't stop. They kept on falling from my eyes, flowing on my cheeks, I lost control. My emotions was unstable. I got hurt easily. I didn't want to bother others that's why I distanced myself from my workmates. I didn't want to be a burden to them, but I was aware that I was already a burden by the way I was behaving. I couldn't laugh, or even smile. I was always sad, tears on my eyes never ran dry.

I knew it wasn't normal. I was depressed and I needed to seek help. My mother was the same. She knew I needed help. She was supportive as well as my father. I had a friend who had a relative who experienced similar condition as mine in some occasions. I asked her for help. She was very accommodating and welcoming. She never made feel like I was going through was a bad case. She understood my situation, and didn't treat me like a hopeless case.

I got in touch with the secretary of the doctor through the contact number that was given to me by my friend. I was given an appointment with the doctor. I didn't have any idea of what's going to happen when I face the doctor. I didn't know what I was going to tell, where in fact in the place I couldn't even put into words what I was going through. It was chaos inside my mind.

The night arrived of the appointment with the doctor and I didn't go. I let another week passed by, I was indecisive. I was in denial of getting professional help. I thought I got this. I could overcome this without any professional help. Then my condition got worse. I filed for a sick leave instead of resigning since it's best to do that due to my loans.

The day I decided to meet the doctor I wasn't included in the list of persons who made an appointment. I was a gate-crasher. The secretary was bit disappointed. She told us that there was no guarantee that the doctor would see me because I was not included in the list. I told her it was okay and we were willing to wait. I was with my mother and father. It was already dark and there was a cue of persons seeking professional help. My father waited at the parking lot while my mother was with me waiting in the line.

~end of part 2~

I Found You e-book edition at $0.99

We're now on the 4th week ECQ or Enhanced Community Quarantine in Luzon and many cities, towns, and provinces already declared LOCKDOWN due to the inflation of CoVid-19 cases in their respective areas. I hope you're doing fine as you read this and if not I pray that we'll be able to survive this pandemic safe and sound, in Jesus name.
In line with the implementation of ECQ, many of us are stuck in our house. Probably at this point you run out of things to do inside the safety of your home. Some of us are maybe taking this time as an opportunity to read all of our TBRs waiting in our bookshelves, and for some writers, they are making the most out of this ECQ to meet their deadlines. Same here! I am trying because for the past weeks, I was just binge watching on Netflix and reading graphic novels. 
After finishing Kingdom season 1 and 2, Crash Landing On You, some classic Ghibli movies, manhuas, mangas, alas, I have finally decided to make an e-book edition of 'I Found You'. You may pre-order now 'I Found You' on Amazon Kindle. Get it for $0.99. Release day is on April 13. Don't forget to pre-order on Amazon Kindle now! And I have another surprise for you on April 13. Tune in to my blog, Facebook page, or Instagram. Hope you get a copy of IFY. Stay safe! God bless!

He found me when I was loosing myself (Part 1)

When I was just a kid, I thought life would be easy once I become an adult. I guess I was wrong like all the other kids who had the same false idea. Life became hard as I journey to adulthood, being a grown up sucks. And I try my best to fit in to the world of the grown ups, it was never easy. I knew I was different from the other kids ever since I discovered that it was hard for me to acquaint myself to other people or engage to any social gatherings. So, now I wonder how I was able to survive my social life in school. I think my survival from school's social aspect is all thanks to my friends, those who are remembered and some are forgotten. The credit belongs to them, most part the 50% of survival rate, 30% from my parents, and 20% from my own effort.

I was perfectly adjusting to adulthood in my 20's. I had a career, stable with good pay, and a promising promotion scheme with my academic credentials. I was never enrolled in a grand and prestige school. I am a full-blooded public student, thanks to the government. But I was pursuing post-graduate studies and that made me feel somewhat ahead of my co-workers. I was aware that I am full of myself sometimes, but I always chose to humble myself to the point of unconsciously practicing false humility whenever people try to praise me.

I was happy. So, I thought so. I am a teacher and I didn't like it before. I didn't want other people to know that I am a teacher, I was afraid that they may expect a perfect human being, and I was far from being perfect even as a teacher. I struggled with how I deal with the students, how to impose discipline without violating CPP (Child Protection Policy). Teaching different subjects and different grade level every school year give an additional challenge in my already challenging life as a human being more so as being a teacher. It was hard, but it was stable job with a good pay. So, I decided to stay and sucked up the system. I was guilty for prioritizing money instead of getting motivated because of my students bright future.

I started to hate myself. It wasn't fun anymore. The money that I got from my job didn't make me happy anymore. Everything wasn't enough. There was always lacking. I was never satisfied. The happiness I got to feel from time to time is just spurs of the moment and it disappear like vapor. No mark, no trace left behind. It was an empty form of happiness. Something that is temporal.

As I hated myself, I began to project the feelings I had inside as I hated others. People who are bad enough to be called evil, I hated them, I despised them. People who treat others unjustly. People who lies to make themselves look good. People who say bad things to others. I was angry at them even though most of the time I was not the victim of their doings, I was just a mere witness. As a witness, I didn't do anything to prevent what was happening. I was a coward. The hate that I felt didn't do me any good. It just turned to a hideous form of depression.

In 2019, my breaking point was when a student committed suicide. She was never under my class. I just happened to buy a chocolate milk drink from her parents' sari-sari store whenever I'd like to get a decent cold drink. I had never seen a hint of her being abused. She was beautiful and a bright girl. She was always polite and welcoming whenever I buy from her even though I was never her teacher in any subject. I thought she was just doing fine.

I thought to myself, I could end what I have been struggling with just like what she did. It was easy. I just have to end my life and that's it I can forget everything, every single hint of pain that I have been keeping to myself. All the hurt and bitterness will be gone just like that. I will be free, at last.

I stopped going to school. Confused and overwhelmed of the news about the student who committed suicide, I succumbed to the desire of freeing myself from all of the things that had been holding me back: family, work, pride, what others will think about me, money, my dreams. I must let go all of these to be freed from the chains that had been dragging me down. Nothing else matters, only my selfish desire to be free from the pain.

My mother consented my resignation from my work when she realized how miserable I was since I stopped coming to school. There were a lot of times where I tried to convince myself and my parents to allow me to resign and find another job, but we were so against to the idea, we thought we're losing a very good opportunity to make our lives a little better out of our poor situation.         
    
~end of part 1~

How to start your relationship with God? (Reconnecting) | Paano Nga Ba?!

How to start your relationship with God? (Reconnecting)

I've got 3 must have:

1. Bible

2. Journal notebook

3. YouVersion app

How to stay single? | Paano Nga Ba?!

How to stay single? I suggest 3 effective ways:1. Huwag lumabas ng bahay2. Maging man-hater3. Taasan ang standard mo

How to trim down your waistline? | Paano Nga Ba?!

How to trim down your waistline? I've tried 3 ways how:1. Sweat belt2. Mag-gym3. No rice

The Possession

Cleo

I can't remember how, but it feels so familiar being with him. It's like having a brother I never had and it makes me wonder, when did he get so close or should I say when did let my guard down? It has always been me and only me dealing with this unstable thoughts inside my head. Sure, I have Eve with me, but she's like another me who is unbelievably weird and feels so out of this world like my existence does not fit anywhere.

Now, my thoughts are running away from me. They are slipping away from me like I have no choice but to let them be taken away. I try to hold on to my own consciousness, but there is an enormous force taking over me, and there, I am, defeated by an imaginary villain inside my head.

"Wake up, sleepy head." The voice feels so familiar that it perfectly fits with the engraved rhythm inside my ears. He is a lullaby that ironically wakes me up in my shallow slumber.

"Don't bother her, Eric." A high-pitched voice stops him from gently shaking my shoulder. Her voice is coming from my side. It's like am seated between these two nosy being, but Eric is not nosy for no reason, he knows exactly what has been dragging me into a deep sleep. I probably will slip away from reality anytime if it is not for him. He tries to keep me from falling into darkness where I surely like to stay. Darkness that will bring me to him, to the man from whom Eric is trying to cut me off.

"It's almost time." He insists, his voice will not budge. The urge to open my eyes finally falls upon me. Yes, he is right. It is time for that, it will show anytime soon, and that's why he is bugging me. Isn't he too excited for this getaway? I guess first timers do really have this inexplicable feeling of excitement, I can't deny having the same anticipation with him.

"What...?" I yawn and pretend like I didn't hear their little conversation.

"It's midnight and we don't want to miss the Halley's comet." Winry's all hype up and giggly. She is kinda geek in spite of her reputation for being trendy and lively.

I've been anticipating the passing by of Halley's comet for this generation. Ever since, I discovered that the comet will pass by the earth I have this desire, an urge not to miss it. And I can't think of any significant reason behind my wanting, aside from knowing that it happens once in while so I must not miss it, probably because of Winry, she is a big fan of galaxy thing.

The sky looks peaceful. The stars are visible, indicating that the area is not much polluted. They are still twinkling, shining with their own beauty. All are burning in their own fire, the same fire that shows they are alive.

"We should not miss her." Winry reminds us, as if we are waiting for the arrival of a real person or someone who is important or famous.

"Okay..." I say, feeling a little sleepy.

Eric is just there, being himself, the gentle one. Letting Winry does what she always does. On the other hand, she is giggly as she excitedly wait, she looks bright. And bit by bit, she become more shiny, which is unusual.

I watch her back, she begins to laugh wickedly. The kind of I will not want to hear. She sounds hysterical, crazy which is not so like her, as if she is turning to a different person as we see the comet across the sky.

"Finally..." Eric mutters to no one. The grin on his face is visible as I stand beside him as if he feels celebratory like Winry as they gaze at the comet.

"Jesrael..." He says again. This time he steps towards Winry.

"Israel..." Winry turns to Eric. "It's time to go back and fix some things.

I can see the madness on Winry's face. There's grosteque on how she looks right now. As if she is a different person.

The lamp that has been providing us an ample amount of light starts to blink. It turns on and off. They both turn to me. Staring at me. Glaring at me as if I have done something wrong, something sinful.

"Come on, Eve, get out. Let's talk." Those words from Eric send chill to my spine.

How did he know? Who is he now.

Run.

What?

I said run. They're not Winry and Eric.

What do you mean? Are we the same?

No more questions. Run!

"Looks like Eve already warned you Cleo." It's Winry this time. She holds her tight on her shoulder.

"Wait, Winry. This isn't funny. Don't grip me like that." I plead.

"Does it look like to you we wanna to have fun?" She looks at me with disgust.

"Stop it, Jesrael. Don't get personal with her."

"Don't tell me you're still want her Israel?"

"Instead, we need her."

They're exchanging words as if they are engage in a battle with the intesity of their glare at one another.

"Let's stop this. Let's just take her and finish things."

The world around me shifts. Eric is no more Eric, he is now Israel. And my best friend Winry, she is gone. She is now Jesrael.

"Who are you people?" I can no longer contain myself. I blurt out question that is obviously and already answered. They are not Eric and Winry. My friends are no longer here in this realm. They are in a state of dormancy somewhere. I regret not listening to Eve. I should have run for it.

Told you so.

"Shut up, Eve!" Jesrael growls at me. She knows Eve, she can even hear her.

"The surprise on your face is priceless. Of course, I can hear her. We're in the same condition, only we fully take over your friends bodies and send them into a deep sleep. Right, Eve?" She taunts Eve as if she waits for something more to happen.

"Take over now, Eve." Israel commands.

The darkness is all around and I can see them no more. The once exciting star gazing we planned turns into possessions of our bodies human bodies.

"Take over now..."

The Premonition

The light shines immaculately as she walks down the aisle. Few petals from the decorative flowers on both sides are all around her as she trails the path towards the light. This is the day she has been waiting for. Finally, graduating from college is not just a dream and it is happening right in front of her eyes. Everything seems so surreal. In a fast paced rotation of her life, she ends up finishing her degree.

Life will be easier from now on.

Seeing her mom and dad happy and fulfilled says she has done better and with those bright eyes from her siblings, she can't be any happier than this. It means they can have a better life. A life wherein they can have a more edible set of meals to eat. It means they won't be short in paying bills and expenses. It means she can buy what she wants.

As she continues tracking the light, a round of applause reminds her of how glorious this day is, for her, for Winry, for Eric and for every classmate and schoolmate she has. It's been a long four years of journey, four years of failed and passed midterms and finals, four years of tears and laughter, four years of presentations and discussions with their cool and awesome professors; indeed it's a four years of hardships and success.

Calling each name of the graduates is the highlight of any commencement exercises. Nervous and fidgety, she feels the excitement as her turn draws near.

"Gajauco, Eric... Haron, Winry...Harwite, Cleo..."

Handshaking with every top ranking officials and professors on the stage brings tons of pressure on her. Tripping on the red carpet is the worst thing that can happen. Carefully and slowly, she passes every hand offered by the people on the stage. With her sweaty hand, she complies with what the occasion demands.

"Congrats!" A greeting from a familiar voice knocks some sense out of her. It is him.

What the heck is he doing here?

Surprised with the unexpected guest at this splendid ceremony, she's speechless. Seeing again the face of this man brings an unfathomable pain and sorrows. It rips her heart to see this man. She tries to shift her hand right away to the next one, but he won't allow her.

Pulling her hand from his hand cold as ice, he won't budge. Worse, he won't move. A smirk of insanity is stuck on his face, his jaw dropping face.   

"Let me go." Whispering her demands isn't enough to provide liberty from his tight entrapment. "Please, let go." Granting emphasis on her every word doesn't make the situation any better, instead he opens his mouth for the second time and she hears the words she never expects coming from him.

"Please save me... Save us..."

Stunned by his incomprehensible words, she gazes at him. His once serene oceanic blue eyes turn to the familiar bloodbath she had seen. Blood flows from the edges of his eyes down to his pale colored cheeks. He's crying. His tears scream for blood.

Scared as hell, she pulls her hand with all her might. As frantic as she is, there's no trace of commotion all over the place. Everything is stagnant. People are motionless. She tries to call Winry who is still on stage and a few paces away from her; she's making sounds for some reasons. Calling her friend once again, Winry turns to her and pours the same color of tears. She's crying with blood. Her mouth utters the same words the man did. She wants something. Help. Be saved. Redemption. She pleads as her eyes scream of excruciating pain. 

Betrayed by her voice, Cleo beseeches. She screams, but no one hears. She pleads, but no one responds to it. She cries, and feels the thick fluids flowing on her cheeks. With her free hand, she wipes her face and in her horror, she sees the same blood that is coming out from him. Bleeding brings the same excruciating pain she sees from her friend and from everyone around her.  

Anyone. Someone. Please save me. Save us.

Trap in the bloodbath that surrounds her, she's helpless. Deserted and abandoned, she is in great need of redemption. A redemption that will save the whole human race.

"Fuck!" She gasps as she wakes up from the horrific dream she came across with in her sleep. She stumbles upon the floor uncontrollably. Her butt hits the concrete stone of the floor as she hisses shit.

That will not definitely happen, he's gone already. Dreams are just dreams.

Despite her attempts of denying the nightmare that continuously haunts her every now and then, summer vacation arrives blissfully and Cleo, being stuck in the heat, can't help, but feel surreal that another year of her college life is about to end. Currently at the end of her third year, and finally just one more to go she can probably finish the 14 year-curriculum of the Philippine educational system. Overcoming the thesis defense along with her classmates is a reason to celebrate. Some classmates have planned for a getaway and beach is without a doubt the best place for celebration during this time of the year. Heat bothers her, as well as her classmates. For many, it's a season to flaunt some skin, but for some it's just the perfect time to visit and just enjoy the breathtaking view of the best beaches in the world. Some are planning to visit Boracay, Batangas or Palawan, but why bother to travel miles away from your hometown if one can find a great scenery in one's own. Her province, Laguna, is proud of its magnificent and famous water falls, the famous Pagsanjan Falls. She has been wanting to visit the place ever since. Nature is one thing that never bores her. And as a complimentary for passing the thesis defense, her parents have allowed her to visit the falls along with her friends. It's the perfect gift for her. She doesn't need car or other expensive things as a gift, trusting her to travel along with her friends is more than enough. And she's well aware that her parents can't afford far destinations. This would be enough for her.

All giggly and excited, they take on the blazing sun as they get near to the majestic falls. Aside from the van they have rented to reach Pagsanjan, a boat ride by the river is a must to get a view of the falls. The river connects all the way to the falls. They all beam with excitement. Cleo along with her friends and groupmates, Winry and Eric, laugh as they experience the smooth and bumpy boat ride. It's a first for Cleo. This encounter with nature is a refreshing feeling for her.

Don't make it sound pitiable.

I am not.

Yes, you are. We're poor, but at least we're living a decent life.

Alright, alright. I won't argue.

The Blurb

Vengeance: The Retribution
Blurb
Cleo's life turns upside down ever since Ikeda came to her life. Peace is out. Chaos is in. 
Discovering the power sleeping inside her, things around her seem to be surreal. Knowing the past reveals the answers to all the questions in her life.
Knowledge is power, and power is a responsibility. What if that knowledge will bring  destruction to all creations? Will Cleo take the responsibility to stop the end of the world? Or she might as well let it happen to the world full of sins.

Winner of I Found You Paperback Copy and More Giveaway - PH Only

Congrats Margarette! You just won from "I Found You Paperback Copy and More Giveaway - PH Only". Please reply to my email so I can arrange the shipment of the prizes. And for those all who joined, a big thanks! 'Til next giveaway. 
Special thanks to Shosekishoppe for the book sleeve!