Honey Badger's Blog, page 3
August 24, 2016
Invisible
A poem that I wrote about how I feel about what has happened in my life. I will not stop telling my truth of what six men did to me, how society protected them and blamed me. I will not stop telling about what happened when I was as a child, at the University of Cincinnati and in the Navy.
Let Go: A poem from My Journey Back to Myself: A Book of Healing Poetry
Poem called Let Go. In May, I kept on hearing this little voice inside of myself saying let yourself cry, feel the feelings, let your therapist be there for you, let my support system support me and be the real me. I listened to that voice, took the steps and allowed my to feel what I needed to feel. Slowly day by day, I am letting go of the pain.
August 23, 2016
Excerpt from The Journey Back to Myself
One of my poems, PTSD
PTSD
You are the enemy I fight
Every single day,
You are constantly there,
I do my best to keep you at bay,
I do not know when you are going to
Rear your ugly head,
I do not know what will happen
During the day to cause me to
Flashbacks and nightmares,
I do not know when
I will be triggered
And get into fight or flight,
All I know is that
there are times
When I am afraid,
There are times when
I cannot stand noise,
There are certain smells,
There are times when
I cannot stand being
Around people.
There are certain places that I avoid,
There are times when I am constantly
Looking over my shoulder,
There are times when I am afraid that
Something will happen to me,
There are times when I get
triggered that the
Images replay over
and over again,
Cannot relax,
Afraid,
There are times when
I cannot sleep and
I toss and turn
I finally get to sleep
I wake up crying,
My palms are sweaty,
My body is shaking,
My shoulders are tight,
My knee is hurting,
My ankle is hurting,
The nightmares that I had felt
like they are raping me again,
I leave me body,
I am not breathing any more,
I hear what they said to me,
Hear what the police officer said to me,
Hear what chain of command said to me,
Keep replaying over and over again
What he said in email and
how they did nothing to him
Try to tell myself that I am safe,
Try to do deep breathing
But when I breathe deeply
Start crying more and more.
The Journey Back to Myself
Excerpt from the beginning of my new book:
To My Reader,
My first book was where I told the stories of what happened to me when I reported that I was raped when I was 11, 19, 23 and 25. This book contains poetry that I have written this past year as I have continued my healing journey by finding my way to Nia, movement based body-mind-spirit-emotion practice, continuing therapy and finding my scared livelihood. In these twelve months I have learned many things about myself and continue to come home into my body. I have learned that I can love body and myself. I have learned that I am safe to express the feelings that I am feeling. I have found my voice and continue to speak my truth.
In early 2014, I went to a retreat called Artemis Rising in Bluemont, Virginia. The retreat offered EMDR therapy, art therapy, kayaking, hiking, archery, acupuncture, equine therapy, and somatic therapy. One of the therapists at Artemis Rising introduced us to a dance routine called “Break the Chain.” We learned the choreography and I felt so empowered. This is when I started to realize that I like to dance, and by dancing I am able to access feelings that are locked away. Though dance, I can let the tears come out.
After the retreat, I came back home and got involved in my life again. At the same time, I found out my mother’s cancer had returned and was feeling very emotional. I began to look for a way to express what I was feeling. A regular Nia practice, taking classes, and attending “belt” intensives, has helped me to feel again, to come back into my body and to heal on a deeper level. Nia is teaching me I do not need to leave my body, but that I am safe to feel what I need to feel and to express what I am feeling. Most importantly, it is doing what therapy has not been able to do, and is allowing me to access feelings I cannot talk about.
I took the Nia White Belt in July 2015 with an amazing trainer, Kate. That was an awesome experience! By doing the White Belt I developed a relationship with my body. I realized that I do not need to be ashamed of my body and can love my body. I learned where I hold my feelings and memories, and instead of criticizing and hating those parts of me, I began to accept and love those parts of me. Kate taught me to be present, to talk to my body, listen to my body and be loving to my body. I learned that I can dance and trust myself and embody the 52 moves of Nia. She taught me to listen to the music. I am all about the base, and I love music that has drums. I am coming back home to myself.
After this amazing White Belt, Kate recommended that I do Reiki Jin Kei Do with Haven. I was coming home into my body, experiencing pain in my right knee and left ankle were I held trauma memories. By doing Reiki, I was able to release energy, feelings and continued to process what I was feeling. I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling and allowed the tears to come out. At times, when I was laying on the table I shook. I got scared. Haven told me that I was safe and that it was my body doing what it needed to do to let go of the energy of all of the traumas. Also, she told me that I was safe with her, that she had me and that I could be real with her.
In September, I took the Green Belt with Stephaney. which continued to build on the foundation from my White Belt, learning where I hold my memories and about music, how to cue on the three and six. I learned the importance of just trying, and that I don’t have to be perfect. Also, I learned to that I did not listen to my body and that I continued to push through the pain when I did not need to do that. So from this point on I started to listen to my body more. My best varies from day to day. When something hurts it is time to stop, listen to my body and tweak the movement.
Late in November, I got a job working as a Photographer. I quickly learned that my Post Traumatic Stress still affects me. I tried my best to work there but there were to many triggers. One day I came into work and the manager asked if she could talk to me. She told me that one of the customers told her that I would not allow her to fix her daughter’s hair when I was taking pictures. I told my manger that was bogus and that one of the other photographers was in the room with me. We both told her mother, to go ahead and fix her daughters hair. While my manager was talking to me, I fell apart. She approached me the wrong way. I told her that I was done for the day and came home. I never went back to work there. The next day, I went to see my therapist and told her what had happened. My therapist helped me to work through this and asked me if I really needed to be working. I told her that the only way, I could envision myself working would be as my own boss at my own business. That was the last day I worked. I have continued to go to therapy, do Reiki, and dance.
January is a rough month for me since January 17th, is the anniversary of when I was raped in the military. I was driving in my car listening to music when I heard several songs that I loved. I found out who the artists were. I realized that the music had touched me deeply. I took the music I found to Lynda Heymen. I asked her if she would listen to the music. She loved the music so we started to co create a routine called Steppin In. This process helped me to get through a rough time of year. Also, it helped me to understand the principles of white belt on a deeper level, how to bar music, what goes into creating a routine, and deepened my practice with Nia. I changed the meaning of January and will remember co creating an amazing routine with Lynda.
In May, I took Reiki Jin Kei Do training with Haven where I learned more about being a Reiki Jin Kei Do energy healer. The week started by Haven making this fabulous grape detox drink that cleansed my insides. I noticed that I was feeling a lot of emotions, that I was letting go of the past and was able to feel what I was feeling. I learned about the history of Reiki Jin Kei Do and how to do a session. Haven attuned me and two other people. One of the women in the training picked up on my energy when we were getting attuned in the morning but did not say anything until it was my turn to practice Reiki on her. She told me and the others that she could tell that I was really sad. I started crying. Haven was there to hold me and told me that it was fine to let the tears come out. That day I was able to let go of the emotions and learned that it was okay for me to cry in front of people.
After the training, I started doing a 21 cleanse that involved drinking teas, and water, as well eating vegetables and fruits. Every morning I got up, made my smoothie with kale, spinach, strawberries, blueberries, flaxseed oil, orange juice and fish oil. Then I meditated and performed a self-treatment on myself. I noticed that I was more present in my body and centered. I was able to breathe easier. I processed what I was feeling by writing in a journal and allowed myself to feel more completely. I had compassion for myself and others. When I became angry or jealous, I wrote down why I was feeling that way. It helped me to see what was going on inside of me and to process what I needed to process.
Then, later in May, I took Blue Belt with Winalee which continues to build on the foundation from White Belt, learning to have intimate knowledge with 52 moves of Nia, music and relationship. During Blue Belt, I took a slow dive into my mind to learn about myself. I learned that I have a gift for finding music that creates magic and movement. Second, learned to have a relationship with myself, the class, the 52 moves of Nia, and the music. Third, I learned I love being on the floor, that; is where I feel grounded, safe, connected to earth, and am able to allow myself to feel. Fourth, I learned the many truths about myself and as I continued to allowed myself to feel. Fifth, I learned that I am great at writing poetry and have put together this book to continue to tell my story of healing. Blue Belt was amazing for me and taught me so much about myself.
In July, Lynda asked me to take a training with her called Hakomi Somatic Psychotherapy. This workshop was amazing. I learned so much about what Hakomi is and learned about how my body still holds the trauma memories. I learned that mindfulness is very important in my everyday life, helping me to move beyond my normal ways of thinking and to stay connected to myself. I am able to have compassion for myself and others. Also learned about how important unity is. We are all connected in this world. We are all one.
Every day I am continuing to learn more about myself. I am continuing to go to go therapy and Hakomi Somatic Psychotherapy to heal my body. I am discovering who I am, what my place is in this world and what my talents are. Right know at this moment, I am meant to teach Nia, continue to heal, help other survivors to heal, find music that helps people to heal, dance, write poetry, take photographs, take as many trainings as I can, and to be a Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer. I am meant to continue to heal myself. This is my purpose. This is my truth.
I hope that you enjoy reading this book of my poetry, written as I’ve healed over the course of one year.
Shut Up and Listen to Survivors
You were not there when I was eleven years’ old
And a friend forced me to give him oral sex.
You were not there when I was choking and crying.
You were not there when he forced himself on top
Of me and did not care that I was crying.
You were not there when he
threatened me to kill me and
My family if I told.
You were not there when I was told to
Just forget about it and move on.
You were not there when two men raped
Me in a dorm room at University of Cincinnati.
You were not there when a police officer looked at
Me and told me that I deserved what they did because
I was drinking underage and the two
men had every right to rape me.
You were not there the night when I cried myself
To sleep and slept for over sixteen hours because
I was emotionally exhausted.
You were not there when I stopped caring
About going to my classes and got into a depression.
You were not there when I was terrified that I would
Run into the two men on campus.
You were not there when I went upstairs
And wanted to jump off of the building but
The stairs were blocked with a locked gate.
You were not there when I broke
down and sobbed and sobbed.
You were not there when everything
I ate was vomited back up.
You were not there when a friend took
Me in the bathroom and raped me.
You were not there when my friend looked
Right me and told me that
her friend would never do,
a thing like that.
You were not there when I fell apart and
Started drinking more and more,
because I wanted the pain to stop.
You were not there the day,
When he forced himself on top of me.
You were not there the night,
When he waited for me to pass out,
From drinking too much.
You were not there when he,
Took what I did not consent to.
You were not there when I had the rape kit.
Done and the stupid male officer forgot to,
Cut hairs and had to come back in to cut hairs.
You were not there when I talked to the police
You were not there when I was told that
it was my fault by chain of command
You were not there when command
had safety stand down,
And I could not sit in the room
because it was very triggering.
I kept on getting up and
going out into hallway.
Then a Chief followed me
and told me that I had
To sit in there and listen to this.
They were blaming me for being raped twice.
You were not there when I fell apart.
You were not there when Senior Chief said to me,
“We believe you but there is nothing that we can do
About this. Promise me that you will go to counseling. ”
You were not there when Chief called me a liar and
Would not let me leave the ship to go to counseling
I had appointment at rape crisis center and
I had appointment card in my hand and
he still called me a liar.
You were not there when I
started to cut my arm and burned my arm.
You were not there when I started to
have flashbacks, nightmares
And wanted to kill myself.
You were not there when Chief
started telling me that I
Was fat and that I was nothing
more than a walking mattress
That deserved to be raped.
You were not on deployment and
had no one to talk to.
You were not there when a second
Class petty officer shoved me into the wall.
You were not told that you are
going to talk to a male about being raped.
You were not there when I told
chain of command there was no
Way in hell that I would talk
about being raped with a man.
You were not there when the chain
of command would do
Nothing about my knee and
called me a liar about that too.
You were not there when the
chain of command sent me to
Anger management classes with
men that abuse their wife’s.
You were not there when I was
discharged because I had gained
Weight because of Post-Traumatic Stress
And the problem with my knee.
You were not there when I started
going to the VA for therapy
And fell apart during EMDR.
You were not there when the
bastard that raped me sent me
An email straight up admitting to
it and they still did nothing
You were not here when I got
call from Special Agent saying,
“We do not care what he admitted to.
We have to investigate you
And know who all you slept with
and about any other sexual assaults.”
You were not here when I threw
phone across the room and fell apart.
You were not here when that
destroyed me and I wanted to die
You were not here when I was
triggered by the way a woman
Came at me and I got into fight or freeze.
You were not here when I was talking
To my supervisor and was in tears.
You were not there when she told me
That I need to go to the VA for
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling.
You were not there when I lost
my job because of Post-Traumatic Stress.
You were there when I went
to an intensive 15-day retreat center.
You were not here when I cut
my thighs over 40 times because I hated
Myself and wished that the bastard
that had raped me had killed me.
You were not here when doctor at
The VA told me, “I should be fine sitting
In a room full of men and have no
Reaction because I am not on base.”
You were not here when that same doctor
Looked at me and said, “What do you want
Us to do helicopter you in?”
You were not here when I went to the Outpatient
Facility and was called back into hallway
And told by Physician Assistant, “You do not
Have an appointment today.”
You were not there when I was driving
Home from the Outpatient facility and
Was thinking about killing myself.
You were not here when I
lost three jobs because of Post-Traumatic Stress
You ignore what we survivors
have told you over and over again
And you only listen to the damn
brass that have everything to lose.
Then you ignore survivors of
university rape, childhood rape, and do nothing
About human trafficking.
You were not raped so how in
the hell do you know what it is like?
How you do know what the chain
of command does and does not do?
You have not been raped, so shut
up and listen to survivors
That know firsthand what it is to be raped,
betrayed, thrown away, have life destroyed.
You have not been in my shoes.
So sit down, shut the hell up and listen to
What I have told you and what other survivors
Have told you.
My life has been changed forever.
I cannot just forget it.
I do not want to hear a damn
thing from you until you
Know what it is like to be raped
and have your life destroyed.
You do not know what it is like to live
with Post Traumatic Stress
You do not know what I go through each
and every day to just function.
You have not had to pay thousands of dollars
for therapy after you were raped.
Why should I have to pay for
therapy when I did not rape myself?
The Journey Back to Myself: Available in Paperback.
The Journey Back to Myself is available in paperback on Amazon.com Link to my new book is:
Source: The Journey Back to Myself: Available in Paperback.
Link to the video for my book is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KiyhSUEGvE
