Honey Badger's Blog, page 42
March 25, 2015
Jumpy
Every little noise is making me jump today. I am just feeling really edgy and scared. I just feel like being
held and want someone to just be there.
March 23, 2015
Standing Tall
Picked up lighter and a razor blade
To burn and to see the blood
Feel the burn on my arm
See the carving of my thighs
And tears fill my eyes.
I am cutting my thighs because
I am sick of the pain.
Sick of being told that we do not care
Sick of being told that since you are
A woman that rape is fine and that
The laws do not apply to you.
That we will protect them
That you are nothing more than a walking mattress
That deserves to be raped
Tears streaming from my eyes,
Feeling alone, betrayed, hurt, angry, worthless
Overpowered by the memories and fears
In the dorm room they took their turns
The third class petty officer did it twice in the same day
Was told by police officer and chain of command that
It was my fault that I deserved what happened to me
My fault for being raped four times
Those memories still haunt me
And still feel like it was my fault
Every night I wake up afraid, Wondering if
They are going to come back and rape me again
Wondering how to escape the pain.
If someone would have only listened and cared
If someone would have only put them in jail
If someone would have said you do not deserve this
If someone would have said It was not your fault.
Tonight I stand tall, I will be tough,
And for once they can no longer hurt me
Trust
Trust is something that does not come easy after you have been hurt as many times as I have. Today, after seeing my therapist for five months, I have started to trust her and can tell her what is really going on with me and let myself cry. Today was the first day that I talked for over an hour and half and let myself cry with her. I told her what has been going on and how there has been one trigger after another, how I have not wanted to take a shower, and how I feel.
I told her that I felt betrayed by the men that raped me and the chain of command and NCIS, OSI, and the DOD. There is just so much more that I have to say. I am trying so hard to shake off the pain. I am trying my best to move forward and to no let them have control over my life. It’s complex because of everything that happened and how I have been betrayed.
