Honey Badger's Blog, page 41

Rage and Depression

Simple this is how I have felt this week. I have wanted to yell at agencies that are there to help women veterans.

What is your malfunction and what are you fucking stupid.

Simple Question

Al I have is a simple question. How does being raped, having PTSD become an erroneous enlistment? I had PTSD due to being raped twice in the same day. I was seeing a therapist and paying for it out of my own dam pocket. Tell me how in the hell when you are raped that the Navy can put on your DD-214 JFT RE-3F Erroneous enlistment?  The did nothing to help me. They did not give a damn about me. They ruined my career. They allowed him to freaking admit to raping me in an email and they still do not do shit about it. So someone please tell me how being raped, dealing with PTSD and a knee injury is erroneous enlistment.  I should have been medically discharged. This is the biggest bull shit.

Waves

Betrayal

Tears

Trying to Change

Trying to change the way that I feel about things

Trying to feel feelings instead of running away from them

Trying to take small steps to be visible instead of invisible

Still dealing with the fear of being retaliated against and

Still trying to find my voice.

What happened to me when I was raped was not my fault.

It is their responsibility and their shame.

They committed a crime

And they are the ones that should be punished.

I no longer have to be invisible.

I can be visible and so my face because I did

Not rape myself.

They took what I had not offered to them

They are the ones that should be ashamed,

Then when society says, It was your fault.

They are wrong

Because I did not ask to be raped and I had no

Choice in the matter.

They forced there selves on me and I did not consent.

Again it is their shame, not mine, not my fault,

And I will be visible.

They will hear my story and they will know who

I am.

Grief and Rising: Author Honey Badger reads one of her poems

Knee Pain and PTSD

Today has been a total self care day. I have been struggling the past couple of days. My knee that I hurt while serving on the aircraft carrier has been bothering me. I fought with my chain of command for two years over my knee. Then once I got out finally got MRI and CT Scan and had to have major surgery to fix what the medical department on the ship said did not exist. The doctors at the VA did an arthoscopy and Fulkerson osteotomy to fix what was wrong. They needed up having to put four screws in there to fix it.

Through going to therapy, I have found that the trauma goes there. I do not understand how this works but my therapist says that the body holds stress and memories. So for the past two days, I have been trying to take care of my knee and I have been crying. I just do not do well with PTSD and physical pain. I have been sobbing and actually called the VA for an appointment. The soonest they can get me in is in two weeks. I am just really down and just am really sick of PTSD and the memories from being raped.

I contacted a crisis line today because I just needed to talk to someone and needed to cry. I am just overwhelmed and hurting. Then earlier today when I went out to get some stuff, I just totally dissociated.  All I want is for someone to hold me and let me cry.

intense feelings

Intense feelings,

Triggers hitting,

Tears coming to the surface,

Nightmares of what happened

Replaying that day over and over again,

Spinning, PTSD symptoms high,

Hear certain words over and over again

Then the flashbacks come and tears start coming

Out

Strong women veterans that understand, and

Are there for you and watching out for you,

But being around so women veterans reminds

You of what happened and how the chain of command

Did nothing,

But want to be around other survivors,

Just intense feelings that need to come out

Want to heal,

It is different because being around so many survivors

Understand what it represents and how we are all trying

To heal and that we are all fighting to survive and trying

To get legislation passed so that other women do not

Have to deal with the same

So much pain.

Intense feelings after going to Conference.

Have been taking a break from blogging because I the PTSD symptoms have me spinning. Everything that has happened and all of the memories have been coming to the surface. I went to a conference this past weekend and just  go so triggered. I went to this one workshop and the presenters kept on saying MST and rape over and over and over again. I started flashing back and was in tears. There is still so many tears that need to come out. The first night, I got back home I kept having nightmares about what they did to me. Then I have just been so emotional. It has been a long time since I have been around so many women veterans. I mean the last time I was around so many women was when I was at my last command and that was back in 2008. Just intense feelings and memories, that have caused PTSD symptoms to come out in full force. There is still so much sadness because of what happened, all that they took, the chain of command and so on.