Shut Up and Listen to Survivors

 

You were not there when I was eleven years’ old

And a friend forced me to give him oral sex.

You were not there when I was choking and crying.

You were not there when he forced himself on top

Of me and did not care that I was crying.

You were not there when he

threatened me to kill me and

My family if I told.

You were not there when I was told to

Just forget about it and move on.

 

You were not there when two men raped

Me in a dorm room at University of Cincinnati.

You were not there when a police officer looked at

Me and told me that I deserved what they did because

I was drinking underage and the two

men had every right to rape me.

You were not there the night when I cried myself

To sleep and slept for over sixteen hours because

I was emotionally exhausted.

You were not there when I stopped caring

About going to my classes and got into a depression.

You were not there when I was terrified that I would

Run into the two men on campus.

 

You were not there when I went upstairs

And wanted to jump off of the building but

The stairs were blocked with a locked gate.

You were not there when I broke

down and sobbed and sobbed.

You were not there when everything

I ate was vomited back up.

 

You were not there when a friend took

Me in the bathroom and raped me.

You were not there when my friend looked

Right me and told me that

her friend would never do,

a thing like that.

You were not there when I fell apart and

Started drinking more and more,

because I wanted the pain to stop.

 

You were not there the day,

When he forced himself on top of me.

You were not there the night,

When he waited for me to pass out,

From drinking too much.

You were not there when he,

Took what I did not consent to.

 

You were not there when I had the rape kit.

Done and the stupid male officer forgot to,

Cut hairs and had to come back in to cut hairs.

You were not there when I talked to the police

You were not there when I was told that

it was my fault by chain of command

 

You were not there when command

had safety stand down,

And I could not sit in the room

because it was very triggering.

I kept on getting up and

going out into hallway.

Then a Chief followed me

and told me that I had

To sit in there and listen to this.

They were blaming me for being raped twice.

 

You were not there when I fell apart.

You were not there when Senior Chief said to me,

“We believe you but there is nothing that we can do

About this. Promise me that you will go to counseling. ”

You were not there when Chief called me a liar and

Would not let me leave the ship to go to counseling

I had appointment at rape crisis center and

I had appointment card in my hand and

he still called me a liar.

 

You were not there when I

started to cut my arm and burned my arm.

You were not there when I started to

have flashbacks, nightmares

And wanted to kill myself.

You were not there when Chief

started telling me that I

Was fat and that I was nothing

more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped.

 

You were not on deployment and

had no one to talk to.

You were not there when a second

Class petty officer shoved me into the wall.

You were not told that you are

going to talk to a male about being raped.

 

You were not there when I told

chain of command there was no

Way in hell that I would talk

about being raped with a man.

 

You were not there when the chain

of command would do

Nothing about my knee and

called me a liar about that too.

You were not there when the

chain of command sent me to

Anger management classes with

men that abuse their wife’s.

 

You were not there when I was

discharged because I had gained

Weight because of Post-Traumatic Stress

And the problem with my knee.

 

You were not there when I started

going to the VA for therapy

And fell apart during EMDR.

 

You were not there when the

bastard that raped me sent me

An email straight up admitting to

it and they still did nothing

 

You were not here when I got

call from Special Agent saying,

“We do not care what he admitted to.

We have to investigate you

And know who all you slept with

and about any other sexual assaults.”

You were not here when I threw

phone across the room and fell apart.

You were not here when that

destroyed me and I wanted to die

 

You were not here when I was

triggered by the way a woman

Came at me and I got into fight or freeze.

You were not here when I was talking

To my supervisor and was in tears.

You were not there when she told me

That I need to go to the VA for

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling.

 

You were not there when I lost

my job because of Post-Traumatic Stress.

You were there when I went

to an intensive 15-day retreat center.

You were not here when I cut

my thighs over 40 times because I hated

Myself and wished that the bastard

that had raped me had killed me.

 

You were not here when doctor at

The VA told me, “I should be fine sitting

In a room full of men and have no

Reaction because I am not on base.”

You were not here when that same doctor

Looked at me and said, “What do you want

Us to do helicopter you in?”

You were not here when I went to the Outpatient

Facility and was called back into hallway

And told by Physician Assistant, “You do not

Have an appointment today.”

 

You were not there when I was driving

Home from the Outpatient facility and

Was thinking about killing myself.

You were not here when I

lost three jobs because of Post-Traumatic Stress

You ignore what we survivors

have told you over and over again

And you only listen to the damn

brass that have everything to lose.

 

Then you ignore survivors of

university rape, childhood rape, and do nothing

About human trafficking.

You were not raped so how in

the hell do you know what it is like?

 

How you do know what the chain

of command does and does not do?

You have not been raped, so shut

up and listen to survivors

That know firsthand what it is to be raped,

betrayed, thrown away, have life destroyed.

You have not been in my shoes.

So sit down, shut the hell up and listen to

What I have told you and what other survivors

Have told you.

 

My life has been changed forever.

I cannot just forget it.

I do not want to hear a damn

thing from you until you

Know what it is like to be raped

and have your life destroyed.

 

You do not know what it is like to live

with Post Traumatic Stress

You do not know what I go through each

and every day to just function.

You have not had to pay thousands of dollars

for therapy after you were raped.

Why should I have to pay for

therapy when I did not rape myself?